My ANTM Addiction Starts Here

This is dedicated to the hilarious members of the IMDb ANTM forum. I made a thread:

So… why haven’t we done a bathing suit photoshoot this cycle?

by Amanda-Winslet 2 hours ago (Mon Mar 30 2009 09:10:07)

Fuck you Tyra.

*

And I got two replies that are worth sharing…

by SusiePancakes 1 hour ago (Mon Mar 30 2009 09:58:31)	Ignore this User | Report Abuse
UPDATED Mon Mar 30 2009 10:03:02

by Mikeismyname 1 hour ago (Mon Mar 30 2009 09:55:40)

Ignore this User | Report Abuse

---

Maybe they could do a photoshoot where they have to portray different effects of leaving a baby with a coffee pot? Tahlia can be eliminated for letting it to get to her, even though when Tyra was seventeen and in Paris, she was left with a coffee pot and pulled it on her, but made it fierce ‘cos that’s what a top model does?

I dunno if anyone but my #1 fan read the first post I made about the first two Aussie shoots from AusNTM 4, but I’m going to continue them.

Photoshoot #3-Mary Kyri shoes… And they’re strapped into harnesses and stuff. So it’s a height thing.

Alexandra-

She looks completely fearless… Her legs look amazing… And I don’t care that her neck is hidden… It doesn’t need to show when you’re in motion… And I can see the shoes. I like that too.

Samantha-

Great legs… Even in yellow tights… And the shoes look really unique. She’s not powerful like Alex, but she looks strong and in control.

Rebecca-

It’s a little unflattering on the right leg, but I like everyone else about it a lot… and I like that the bend in the aforementioned right leg highlights the show. She looks good in the face too.

Leiden-

She’s doing that weird jaw thing she did in the Napoleon ad, but it actually works here, because it’s like she’s Spiderman or something.

Caris-

Despite her fear on set, there’s no evidence of that now. The legs look amazing, and she sells the shoes, but from the waist up, there are some problems– Her ‘I’m freeee’ pose makes her arms look sort of bizarre, and her eyes are much too buggy. But I can’t believe that this shot came from a girl who was afraid of heights.

Belinda-

I like the uniqueness of the pose, with the leg kicked out. The left shoulder is too high, and it blocks her face… And she’s missing one of the shoes, but what I can see is fabulous.

Emma-

I hate to sound like Tyra, but her right arm lacks tension. It’s just sort of thrown haphazardly over her head, and her face looks disengaged. One really awesome thing here is her legs, but it sort of seems like she had an advantage, seeing as how tights aren’t the most flattering thing in the world. But yes, she sold the shoes,so she did decently.

Alamela-

Well, the pose is awesome… But there are a few issues that some of the others girls have had in their pictures that are magnified a bit here. Her bent left leg stumpifies her, and her face is sort of lost. Still, I love the Spiderwoman pose, so it’s not like it’s a complete mess.

Jamie-

Her face looks great… She’s really an adorable girl and you can see her sparkle here more than in anyone else’s, but the pose sort of sucks. She’s sort of in a sexy taking a dump pose, and her legs look REALLY short. The shoes look nice, but I look at the body flaws before I see them.

Alyce-

How my mighty two top callouts in a row has fallen! She suffers from a similar fashion poop pose to Jamie, except she wasn’t lucky enough to have an adorable face. She looks like she’s about to sneeze, and the skintight blue leggings do nothing for her body.

Demelza-

This reminds me of Saleisha’s rock-climbing picture, in that it’s hailed for being sort of daring and awesome in theory, but it misses the point. She’s meant to be selling shoes and I can barely see the one that she isn’t hiding. Also, her hips look REALLY wide. So, sorry Baby D. Worst of the week for me.

Alex Perry’s Lookbook- Photoshoot #4

I really, really wish they’d do pictures like this on ANTM… Tyra is always harping about the girls are going to do catalog and make money, and they never do photoshoots in glam outfits like this with simple poses. It’s all about contortions, and it’s pretty stupid. So, these are some of my favorite pictures from Australia’s Next Top Model. They’re gorgeous.

Samantha-

Friggin stunning bitch… Her hair looks amazing cascading down her shoulders like that. Her body is just perfect, as is the pose– I love the placement of the hands. Her best picture so far <3

Demelza-

So, she was a heinous bitch that week… Like, most heinous bitch ever. But the picture is MONEY. That gorgeous, sculpted face is magical, and I dunno if it’s the dress or if its her, but all of her body isses are like… non-issues. Gorgeous picture. No way around it.

Caris-

She’s sort of perfect, isn’t she? I love that she can look this hot in a dress with a huge bow splashed across the front of it… and I love her face so much that I want to marry it. Also, you can tell that she knows how to pose. She knows her hips are a little wide, so she turns herself so she looks slimmer. It’s hot. So hot.

Rebecca-

I don’t care if the stylists and the team did all the work… The finished product is to die for. I love her hands, I love the cascading waterfalls of hair, and honestly, I love the hourglass figure. I know it’s not really fashion to have that much junk in the trunk, but I love it. I think she’s gorgeous.

Alyce-

Nothing about this is a number 5 picture… It’s gorgeous. What puts it below the others is the tightness in the hips. I know, I’m nitpicking, but when the other pictures are so flawless, I have to. It doesn’t fit her as well as the other girls, so she gets bumped down to 5. I’m sorry Alyce… Your face is perfect. Like, really, really perfect.

Alamela-

I think this picture is overrated because of her ordeal the week that it was taken. No doubt, the bitches were definitely in the wrong, but they all took better pictures than her. Now, I DO love it… I think her dress might be the prettiest one, but there is a stiffness in her face, and her body that I’m not a huge fan of. If the rest of the pictures weren’t so damn good, I’d easily give this a top 3… It’s that pretty, but it’s not the best. Had I been a judge, you bet your ass that I would have called her before any of the bitches, since they’re all safe anyway.

Leiden-

The thing I like about this is how unexpected it is… I would figure she’d look very out of place in a dress, but she looks adorable. I love the look in her eyes, like ‘Aren’t I cute?’

Jamie-

It’s not her fault that less of the dress is showing than the other girls… But what is her fault is the sort of dead eyes she’s got going on. The glam factor isn’t as natural for her, and I think she’s trying to be seductive, and it isn’t working.

Alex-

The color looks great on her skin, but unfortunately, I’d say that the ‘good’ ends there. The face is stiff, the dress doesn’t really fit her (not necessarily her fault, but she could have stood differently to fake it) and the hands are boring. Amidst so many beautiful pictures, this one doesn’t stand out.

Belinda-

She has that same, pissy expression on her face as always. I think Charlotte Dawson said it best when she said ‘You look like a beligerent tomboy who has been forced to wear a dress’, so we’ll leave it like that.

Dramatically Different Call-Out Averages-

Caris (3.7)- 3/4/5/3

Alyce (4.2)- 1/1/10/5

Samantha- (4.7)- 9/7/2/1

Alexandra (5)- 5/5/1/9

Demelza (5.2)- 2/6/11/2

Alamela (5.5)- 4/3/8/7

Jamie- (6.2)- 6/2/9/8

Rebecca (6.2)- 8/9/3/5

Leiden (8.5)- 12/12/4/6

Emma (8.6)- 11/8/7

Kristy – 9

Belinda (9.7)- 13/10/6/10

Kamila- 10

So… if you actually believe in Tyra’s mindless bullshit, you won’t like this recap. If you actually have been brainwashed by Tyra’s ‘inner fierceness’ crap and think Tahlia is a model, you should probably kill yourself, and you won’t like this recap. You’ve been warned.

Previously, on America’s Next Top Model… The girls walked in a Jill Stuart fashion show and had to pose as New York characters. Hey look, Fo and Aminat yelling at each other! I love them! Nijah didn’t push her potential and she was sent. home. 10 girls left… who will be eliminated tonight? The camera chooses to linger on Tahlia (who will have a bitchy nickname by the end of this. MARK MY WORDS) for about 10 seconds. Foreshadowing? Do we really think Tyra is smart enough to send her pet project home yet?

I’m going to step in again and warn you one more time that I’m so over Tahlia. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, and I still think she’s a cute girl (not a model, but a cute girl), but I am completely done with this vile human being. So, for the last time… If you like her, you should just stop reading.

During the commercial, Drew Barrymore tells me that six million people use Lash Blast mascara. That’s cool.

The girls come back from panel and Simone’s (good, but overrated) photo is on the screen in the house. The comments say ‘Bam!’ and ‘Attitude!’ which is kind of hilarious. The best they can come up with is ‘Bam’?

Simone, with her typical humility, tells us in first interview that, wow, she looks so hot. She finally feels like she’s redeemed herself  with her ‘bomb ass picture’. She says that she knows she’s better than them, and that they know it too. Oh Simone, haven’t you learned by now that you’re a better model when you’re acting like a human being with a soul?

Fo and Aminat, along with a few others, are hanging out and collectively decide that Simone’s picture wasn’t the best of the week. They felt that they did better as a group. They’re not wrong. Fo and Aminat knocked it out of the park last week. Tahlia, who needs to talk about her confidence, I’m sure, since we haven’t heard her nails-on-a-chalkboard bitching in a week, tells us that ‘everyone needs to understand that it’s a competition.’ She admits that ‘getting positive feedback raised her confidence’. Oh look, Tahlia is happy. She’s a model now. Nevermind the sexy, editorial jiggly thighs and the flabby stomach. Tahlia is homesick, but she knows she can do this. For the next five minutes, until someone tells her she sucks again, and then she’ll doubt her place in the competition again.

Liverpool gives us an interview and she’s all jumpy and over-enunciated-

(Sorry, I just love using that)

She says that they’ll all hanging out and then the doorbell rings and they’re all like ‘Uhhh, WHATS GOIN ON?’ Y’know, if she continues to not be a STREET. PREACHER. I’m going to really like her, and then I’m sure she’ll get eliminated. But anyway, there’s someone at the door. Who is it?

It’s TOCCARA, from Cycle 3. I think it’s Celia who says that Toccara is known for being ‘notable’. We cut to Toccara being BIG, BLACK, BEAUTIFUL AND LOVIN. IT. She’s really wonderful, and she looks amazing… Natalie tells us that Toccara went ‘really far’ in Cycle 3. Uh, what? Nat, she came in seventh. She was eliminated for her lack of spirit, which will probably happen to you too, babe. Not exactly ‘far’, but whatev. That was when the show still was semi-legit. Moving on, Natalie tells us that Toccara is every girl’s inspiration.

I hate to be the big bad bitch here, but are we for real here? I mean, Toccara had that weird, scary freak-out on Celebrity Fit Club where she was about to do voodoo on someone. Is she really an inspiration? In the scheme of things, she’s one of the more successful models from the show, but that’s not saying much. She introduces herself (needlessly, of course, since she is an inspiration to every girl) as Toccara and she is FABO-lous. And… she is here for a SLUMBER PARTY AND! She brought them all Mira Kelis lingerie. Celia loves this, and thinks it’s sweet and ‘unplanned’. Oh Celia, don’t be so naive. This is the most planned thing since Nicole’s elimination.

I love how Tyra is trying to act like Toccara won Cycle 3. She gave her that stupid lifetime achievement fiercee award on her talk show. If she was so awesome, which she is, then why didn’t she win so that stupid Whitney Thompson didn’t have to fill the plus-size quota?

Toccara talks about having lots of personality. She tells them that you need it to get anywhere in this industry. You need that, and you need confidence, so be you, and if you have something to say, say it. She asks them to go around and talk about their personalities. Aminat tells us that she’s ‘loud and okay with it’. SHUT CHO MOUTH AND SAY IT AIN’T SO, AMINAT. I HAD NO IDEA. Kortnie says that she’s an old male comedian stuck in a hot body. Giiirl, you the plus this season. You don’t have a hot body. Except you’re not plus, so maybe you do. Simone doesn’t like Kortnie. She thinks it’s stupid that she makes everything a joke. She says that it’s a ‘maw-del’ competition, not a comedy show. And suddenly, Kortnie has a place in this competition. She’s clearly toast.

Someone asks Toccara what she’s accomplished since the show. She was the first black plus-size model to appear in Italian Vogue, she does corresponding on BET, and she just did an exercise video. With all sincerity, good for her. I’m glad she’s successful. Tahlia, who I think should possibly be called ‘The Great Whine’, but I’m not sure, is inspired by Toccara. She wants to be an inspiration too with her scars. OKAY, SO BE A CAMP COUNSELOR.

Next, Toccara asks whose picture is provoking the ‘Bam!’ comments. Simone is all ‘Oh, that’s me’. Toccara is like ‘Oh, so this is the best picture’ and a few girls give a ‘Well, I guess’ type face. Natalie says that Fo was better last week. Simone goes ‘Well, it doesn’t matter because that wasn’t the decision’ and Teyona is like ‘Hmmm, well…. we don’t agree’, showing a glimmer of personality, which I LOVED. It was more of the same old shit from Simone, but Teyona was cute. Toccara looked amused by it all.

Toccara then interviews, in the ghetto ass confessional that all the other girls have to use (which cracked me up) that there are a lot more personalities than the girls that were on her cycle, but nobody really stands out. Giirl, too bad you weren’t there when Aminat had a ‘fro. Toccara thinks they all need to just let. go. They all go to bed. Why do I think that this took place at like 3 in the afternoon? Oh, because 10 seconds later, they’re all awake and Toccara is in full, gorgeous hair and makeup and is like ‘I hope my words stuck, because whoever wins this is has to be a spokesperson, so don’t just rely on looks’. Yes, that’s why McKey won. Best personality ever. Not just stunningly hot. Toccara gets a big hug. Celia says that it perked everyone up, and that she knows that you have to put yourself out there. How inspirational.

TYRA MAIL: ‘If you can’t move to the music, that might pose a problem’.

They get carted off to this placed called Marquee and Fo is like ‘What is going on?!’ I like it better when Liverpool narrates where we’re going, cuz she darts her eyes back and forth. Well, guess who is at the Marquee to greet them?

Benny Ninja! I love this guy. Kortnie ‘knows that they’re posing’. Whoa, did Kortnie just do a confessional? Bitch is so out tonight. It’s obvious. Aminat loves Benny’s posing. She’s in awe of him. I’m in ‘aw’ of Aminat. She’s just so cute. Benny brought his friend Skye, who is a former model and is now a DJ.

Benny tells them that music and fashion have an intimate relationship that invokes emotion. Basically, music motivates posing, and they’ll have to pose along with the music. I just want to say that I saw this part on a preview when it was silent, so the girls were rocking out to nothing, and it was hilarious. Benny does like, a 10 second show where he rocks out and tells them to ‘pay attention. To what they’re. HEARING’.

Liverpool and Simone do posing inspired by heavy metal music. Liverpool must be ‘into heavy metal, because she did a good job– She had a good face and the right emotions. Simone looked lost, despite trying to take over the shot. She needs more emotion in her eyes. Benny doesn’t think she’s aware of her body or the music, and that she’s basically clueless.

Allison and Natalie do rock. Allison, according to Benny, sucks. ‘It’s not brain surgery… IT’S POSING’. Ooh, Benny is bitchy! He’s probably mad that Tyra hasn’t given him a full time position yet.

Teyona and Fo do country music. Fo needs to get more into it, and smell hay. Or horse dung.

Kortnie and Celia do hip hop. Kortnie needs to get it together, because Celia wipes the floor with Kortnie’s tig old bitties. Kortnie defends herself and says that she’s ‘here to poooose’. Celia confirms Simone’s earlier confessional about Kortnie always trying to be funny.

Aminat and Tahlia do jazz. Obviously, Tahlia sucks. That’s what she does best. Aminat rocks it. Benny agrees with me. Tahlia thinks too much and needs to commit. Girl, you’ve been talking about it for weeks now. Stop talking and actually do it. Benny tells Tahlia that she needs confidence, and that she’s shy, and it shows. Tell me something I don’t know, Benny.  He says that you have to believe in yourself, or nobody else will.

They go home, and Allison tells us that she was basically scared shitless. She was shaking and nervous during the challenge. Girl, why? You can pretty much count on Tahlia sucking more than you in a challenge because Tyra won’t be there to lick her scars after. Celia loved the challenge. Allison says that she felt like she sucked, and needs to not be so stiff. Or you could take a leaf out of Tahlia’s book and suck consistently, but just get some burns from coffee, and then your suckage would be excused. Scars >>> Creepychan, Allison. Allison wants to just ‘chill out and be positive’.

Kortnie tells us that she tries to be funny because it helps her. Since when is she funny? We haven’t seen her since day 1, so I’d say her problem is BORING, not funny.

TYRA MAIIIIL. Celia picks it up, looks at it and giggles. ‘It rhymes’, she tells us. Hahahahha. ‘Practice your posin’, if you wanna be chosen’.

Hurrah, Liverpool narrates for us that the Hideolamobile has taken them to a place called the MAN.SHUN and like, WHAT ARE WE DOIN HERE?!

Benny is there, with two blonde people, one of whom may or may not be a woman. They will be headlining for New York’s Elite in a medley of music, fashion and posing. They’ll have to use the music to ‘motivate’ the fashion. The prize is a couture gown by the Blonds, who are the blonde people standing with Benny. The one who sort of looked like a girl, is named Phillipe.

Whoops. My bad. In my defense, he’s wearing a long Blond (it will be capitalized for the rest of the recap) wig. Essentially, the challenge is a pose-off. There will be two heats of five girls. Liverpool ‘doesn’t know about this’. Kortnie is basically like ‘Fahhhhh, posing!’ Benny tells them to go get their ‘HAIR DID’ and something snatched. Whoa now, that’s sounding dirty.

Celia, who I love, looks ridiculous in her Blond wig. She just looks very reptilian. Allison is nervous. Turns out, the fashion show will be attended mostly by drag queens. Celia feels alive and wants to ‘come out’ with all the elements surrounding her. Tahlia says she can’t move in her dress and that she’s overwhelmed. I need to start making a list of things she bitches about every episode.

Benny tells the audience to applaud for good posing, and boo for ‘foulness’. Allison goes first. She thinks they can ’smell her fear’. She gets booed. Teyona looks like a dude, and gets some cheers. Kortnie’s boobs are busting out of her dress. She only poses when Benny says ‘Pose’. She gets booed. Sandra looks hilarious in her Blond wig. She tries to do simple poses and gets booed. Celia looks like a stripper, and gets tons of cheers. She ‘thrived’ on their energy. Didn’t she thrive last week on eyes all over her? Celia wins heat #1.

Aminat poses, and gets booed. London didn’t look too bad to me, but she gets more boos than Aminat. Tahlia gets the most boos of all. Her voiceover says that she was struggling to keep the hair out of her face. She sucked, obviously. Natalie looked like even more of a stripper than Celia. She gets cheers. Fo got a few scattered claps, but mostly boos. Natalie wins heat #2.

Celia tries to work the garment while Natalie tries to keep her balance. All her stripperish awesomeness is gone. Celia clearly won, and she’s thrilled about it. She’s on a high and wants to channel all this energy into everything she does.

Hey look! A picture of April!

Tahlia struggled today. What the fuck else is new? She hated the boos. Get used to them, Scars. Maybe that’s her new nickname. She was overwhelemed. Whiiinge. Then, she drops the big one. She tells Allison that SHE. WANTS. TO. GO HOME. She didn’t know the toll that this competition would have on her, and thinks it’s doing her more harm than good.

Allison, quite the little instigator, tells Celia what Tahlia said. Celia says that Tahlia refuses to put herself out there and that she isn’t strong enough for this competition.

MCKEY’S LIFE AS A COVERGIRL. You know, I love this girl, but I didn’t catch anything except bold and beautiful. And tinted mascara.

TYRA MAIL- Models aren’t the only ones who migrate to New York for their dreams to come true. They think they’ll be made up as birds. Oh come on, this show is clearly on a budget. Like they’re going to spend money on feathers. Liverpool flaps and does her bird imitation.

They get driven to hair and makeup and haven’t been told what the deal is yet. Tahlia knows she did horrible at the challenge. She feels suffocated and fed up by the whole thing. She knows she signed up for this and thinks that it’s great, but isn’t sure it’s right. Celia tells us that she can see Tahlia breaking down. She basically says that if Tahlia doesn’t think this competition is the way to go, she SHOULD LEAVE. Let those who actually want this have a chance in this competition. Amen, Mama.

Mr. Jay meets them on a ferry. He’s wearing a coat that looks like a dress. No lie. It has a flared skirt and everything. He gives the girls a mini history lesson about immigrants and Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty, and tells them that they’ll be posing as immigrants coming into Ellis Island. It’ll have to be still, because they’ll be using long-shot 8×10 cameras. No Saleisha jumping, ya hear? Benny Ninja will be playing the ‘husband’ and there will be random children playing the kids. Liverpool loves this. Brian Edwards, photographer of C11’s Natural Disaster shoot, is their photographer today. The point is to put sort of a modern spin on the past. Easier said than done, I’m sure.

Simone needed more body drama. She’s boring in the face, so apparently she needs more face drama too. She’s too stiff. Simone tried putting her hands in her ‘poe-kets’. Jay said that she disappointed him and basically just fell off his radar. Not that his radar is very wide, mind you. It’s mostly full of thoughts of naked men and his own Canada’s Next Top Model.

Fo said that she ‘felt’ old fashioned, and hopes she looked it.

Liverpool was inspired by Kate Winslet in Titanic, wearing the big ass hat. She didn’t say that, but that’s who she looked like when she tilted her head up. Jay loved her, and said that she *was* her character.

Natalie tried to be like Marjorie, by hunching her back.

Teyona didn’t look like an alien at all. She actually looked amazing.

I just noticed that Jay is looking at the shots on a computer. If they’re using old fashioned 8×10 cameras and Brian is pulling slides out… then isn’t it film? Won’t it need to be developed? Hahahahahaha. IDIOTS.

Kortnie was excited, because most of her family immigrated. Seriously, I miss Marjorie and Elina now. Remember them and their ‘We’re immigrants. We’re better than you’ thing? Sigh. Kortnie hoped to make her family proud. Giiirl, you made them prouder when you hopped on Dale Earnhardt’s junk. Her position was weird. Jay said she struggled, and ended up looking like a sack.

Tahlia has grown immensely since week 1. We’re treated to her crazy eyed madness from the childhood games shoot. She’s grown in leaps and bounds, and her eyes told a story. She was soft and feminine. Fucking kill me.

Celia says that she ‘isn’t strong at photoshoots’. Oh Celia! Don’t listen to Tyra! She’s been one of my favorites from the beginning. Jay says she did well.

Aminat didn’t use her face. She did great, interesting poses, but forgot about her face.

Allison is in love with the camera. Seriously, if you haven’t googled creepychan, I recommend that you do so. She’s not only in love with the camera, but she’s in love with freaking my ass out. She felt amazing, and loved the shoot. I was really blown away with her look during the shoot. She looked veryyy fashion to me.

TYRA MAIL. Tomorrow you will meet with the judges… blah blah blah. They all have ‘I love New York’ sweatshirts on. How cute. Simone feels a little nervous. She prays that she did well. She thinks Tahlia will be out. Tahlia is stressed out and overwhelmed. I need to just copy and paste that because it’s all she ever says. Can the editors of this show please stop beating me over the head with this girl? Tahlia feels like she got a good shot, and her confidence is up. So, now she doesn’t want to go home?

Celia, Natalie and Allison (maybe Fo is there, but I’m not sure) think that if Tahlia doesn’t say anything about wanting to leave at panel and she isn’t eliminated, she should ‘fire back’. Natalie sums it up the best, and because of that, she gets a bolded quote:

‘When Tahlia does well in this competition, she likes it, but when she sucks, she wants to go home, and that’s annoying’.

God, I could not agree more. Seriously, I am so fucking sick of Tahlia, in case you couldn’t tell. I think I officially have a least favorite contestant of all time. Celia thinks that it’ll ’cause mayhem’ if Tahlia doesn’t go. Allison says that someone should tell Tyra because it isn’t fair.

Reasons why I can’t stand Tahlia:

1. The show is forcing her sob story down my throat.

2. She forces her sob story down my throat, as if it entitles her to anything.

3. She’s way too jiggly to be model.

4. She complained about being ‘covered up’ at the first fashion show and thinks it was her scars, when really, it was her icky body. Read: Denial

5. She’s always stressed out and overwhelmed.

6. She took a game of Truth or Dare too seriously.

I’ll be adding to that list every episode that she stays here.

Once, there was a supermodel who blah blah blah, except this one has ‘traveled through many foreign lands’. I seriously don’t even know what to say except ‘Fuckin A’. There’s a long focus on Kortnie when Tyra says ‘Only 9 will go on in the hope of becoming America’s Next Top Model’.

Benny Ninja is the guest judge, naturally. Teyona’s hair looks like the original chocolate Ramen again. J laughs really queerly when Tyra introduces him. Tyra cracks a whip to start judging.

Teyona- Looks sensational in her picture. She’s acting, and she managed to pull it off very well. Tyra sees a story in her face. I see Nijah in her face. She looks seriously pretty. Someone says something about Teyona looking like a captivating romance.

Liverpool- Looks about 1 1/2 feet tall in her picture. Ugh, you say that now when I start to like her?! They hate that the picture is in profile. Nigel says that she looks pretty, but he doesn’t like it with the rest of the picture. Uhh, so why didn’t they choose a picture where she was straight on and not bundled up like a ball? I call sabotage. And yes, I’m officially a Liverpool fan. So of course, she’ll probably go next week. Tyra does this fucking stupid demonstration about calling out 1 2 3 FIERCE. 1 2 3 FUNNY FACE. So that everyone looks the same. Nigel’s funny face was really cute. Ew, gross.

Simone’s picture is in profile. Nigel doesn’t want to see another profile shot from her. There’s a disconnect because she isn’t straight on. Benny tattles about Simone sucking in the challenge. That… isn’t fair, seeing as how nobody else’s shit-tastic performance in the challenge has been brought up.

Allison looks editorial and fashion, but she looks more like one of the kids than the proud mama. How dare you look young and waifish, Allison?! HOW DARE YOU LOOK CURRENT IN FASHION. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU.

Aminat looks great. Her expression is really working. Benny thinks she needs more range. Ugh, I’m sick of him. He can go now.

Fo’s picture is like London’s. The profile makes the picture unrelatable. It’s Paulina’s least favorite shot of Fo. I stress this again… Why wasn’t another shot chosen?

Natalie looks like Keira Knightley in her picture. Sort of. Not really. They all talk in british accents for the rest of her critique. It’s a stunning, fashion pose, and would have been perfect if her face was tilted up.

Kortnie’s face is ’sour’. She doesn’t look like she’s thinking about anything and has dead eyes. She lacked TEN.SHUN. She was ‘there’, but needed to be ‘there’. Yes, Tyra did one of her squinty, smiley things as the example for where Kortnie needed to be. Oy vey.

Tahlia’s picture gets the biggest tongue bath since Lauren Brie’s hot air balloon picture. I wish I was joking. It’s the best one so far. It’s gorgeous. It’s exquisite. She looks like a Spanish flamenco dancer coming to ‘Nueva York’. She looks related to everyone in the picture. She has more attitude in her picture than everyone else does so far. In person, she needs more attitude, and her hair looks like ‘the hair’ in “There’s Something about Mary”. It’s a good picture, but is it THAT good? Seriously? More on this shitshow at the end of the recap.

Celia has been upstaged by the little girls in her picture. There’s no story in her eyes. She needs to pull her body up.

Honestly… at this point, I’m so pissed off. It’s obvious to me that Tyra chose terrible pictures of strong competitors Fo, Celia and Liverpool so that Tahlia would look good. I know for a fact that Fo and Liverpool didn’t do all their shots from profile, so if that’s going to be a topic of concern, why pick that one?

Deliberation. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sit through the Tahlia slobberfest.

Liverpool doesn’t relate to the kids in the background. She has no legs in the picture, but she has pretty eyes.

Simone is as boring as ‘homemade soap.’ Okay J. Whatever that means. Tyra thinks Simone relies on pretty. How can she when she has a day-glo yellow scalp? Nigel thinks that Simone needs to ‘bring it’ to the forefront.

Allison has an adorable, distinctive look that you’ll either love or you’ll hate.

Kortnie is not model quality. I actually like her picture. It’s about 30889258792357295 times better than the one from last week, that’s for sure. Nigel likes her legs. You can practically see his erection from here. J says she’s knock-kneed. Tyra defends knock-kneed girls and says that they can be ‘unknockified’.

J loves Aminat. Nigel thinks the picture works as a closeup, but as a longshot, not so much.

Paulina love Fo, but not in this picture. They all think the sentiment on her face looks fake.

Celia gets ragged on for using the same pose as the one in Nigel’s shoot. Oh. PLEASE. Cycle 6’s Danielle had the same face in every picture and she won. If it ain’t broke, DON’T FIX IT.

Tahlia’s picture is the best one. Yeah, because Tyra chose a bunch of shitty ones for everyone else. They briefly touch on how she’s one person in photos and another in front of them, but mostly just take more time to suck her photographical butt by saying she’s like a sweet, Spanish lullaby and a hot mama. Gag me with a spoon. It’s a good picture, but cut the fucking hyperbole.

Natalie’s fate is sealed in the competition when the judges say that she’s dull and not inspirational. Come here, Nat. I’ll dump some coffee onto your body and then you’ll inspire everyone to model. Except, oh wait, you don’t look like a 35 year old soccer mom, and your ass doesn’t jiggle. Just kidding. Won’t work. You’re too hot to be a model. Resting on pretty. Nigel says she needs to match her personality to her pictures.

Teyona IS a model. In person, she needs to be a model too. Benny thinks she’s a little sour. Jesus Christ.

Tahlia, of course, gets first fucking call out. Not one mention of wanting to go home. Celia looks PISSED. The rest of the call out order is Teyona, Allison, Natalie, Liverpool, Aminat, Celia and Fo. Simone and Kortnie are the bottom 2. Kortnie was obvious, but Simone wasn’t as obvious to me this week.

Allison is about to do voo-doo while Tyra drones on about Kortnie not having any alertness in her pictures. She’s beautiful, but dead in front of the camera. Seriously, Allison’s eyes are about to bug out. Simone is pretty, but the judges are disappointed. Honestly, she was never going to live up to her pre-show picture anyway. It’s wayy too amazing. Simone is resting on what her parents gave her. What? A stank personality? Simone also sucked at the challenge. Yup, but first call out Tahlia sucked even worse, but of course, no mention of that.

Simone is saved from elimination. Celia literally goes cross-eyed. She steps forward and says, in this shaking, meek voice, ‘All due respect, Tyra, but I have something to say.’ She tells Tyra about what Tahlia said about wanting to go home. She thinks it’s unfair that someone who wants this is getting kicked out. Tyra says ‘Right, Tahlia… Get your jiggly ass out of my judging room, you wannabe. You’re dead in my book.’ Tyra then dies, and Janice shows up to replace her.

I wish.

Actually, what Tyra says is that she thinks it’s unfair that Celia is saying this, seeing as how Tahlia didn’t bring it up. WELL, DUH. YOU GUYS WERE TOO BUSY MASTURBATING TO HER PICTURE. She tells Celia to ‘get back to her place’. It’s, without a doubt, the most infuriating thing I’ve seen in a long time on this show. Girls have been eliminated just because Tyra THINKS they don’t want to be here, but because Tahlia is the sob story of the cycle, she gets special treatment. Also, I hate that the whore just stood there and made Celia look bad. You could tell that Celia meant it, because her voice was all quivery. Yes, Celia’s timing was bad… She probably should have said something before Tahlia got first call-out and Celia got seventh call out, because it makes her look a litttttleee bit jealous, but I’m still 100% on Celia’s side. Team Jiggles can burn in hell. Honestly, last cycle, a girl is rewarded for being honest about confessing about her breast implants. This cycle, the most level-headed woman in the house is hit in the face with Tyra’s invisible bucket of ribs.

Disgusting. REALLY, REALLY DISGUSTING.

Kortnie is sad to go. She feels like she had potential, but just couldn’t catch up. She hopes the house isn’t too crazy.

BUT, NEXT WEEK ON AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL-

Everyone is fighting! Fucking Tahlia is like OMG CELIA, WHY’D YOU SAY THAT!? I WAS HUMILIATED. What?!!?!?$@$?#@ Tyra defended your cellulite encrusted ass, you delusional whore! You weren’t humiliated at all! You were being called out on your actions! I’m sure that’s new to you, since you think you’re entitled to do whatever you want because of your scars, but THAT’S HOW LIFE WORKS. Aminat and Natalie appear to be fighting too.

I cannot wait.

I really hope Tahlia gets dumped like an empty bucket of KFC (Tyra’s midday snack) sometime soon.

And, this is my call-out order on the photos:

So, I’m a liar and I didn’t finish Britain’s Next Top Model. I will, but I just don’t feel like doing it right now. Tonight is a new episode of ANTM, but since I’m bored and inside because I have a monster zit on my face, I’m going to do some of Australia’s Next Top Model, Cycle 4. Cycle 3 is coming eventually, but four trips my trigger at the moment.

Anywho, I know that Demelza is evil and stuff, but as usual, I’m not including personality in the ratings.

Photoshoot #1- Vogue Cycle Advertisement Thingie.

Full Size Shot Can Be Found Here-

Alyce-

She has this gorgeous, sort of snotty appeal to her in this picture, and I love her body. LOOOOOOOOOOVE.

Demelza-

Occasionally, Alex Perry and I agree so much that it’s frightening… and I agree with him 100% about her looking cinematic, and older than she is but ‘not old’. She just looks like a movie star in that picture.

Caris-

Welcome to my love affair with Caris’ face. She looks so beautiful, like a doll or something.

Alamela-

I don’t like her hair, but that’s the fault of the styling, not her. I just think she has such a pretty stance… the ‘gorgeous ballerina straight back’ as the Vogue Australia woman called it. I love the aristocratic tilt of the head too.

Alexandra-

Another sort of snooty pose that works so well in this shot. Her mouth looks tight (obviously… I mean, her lips are frozen solid from all that collagen!) but I like the rest of it a lot.

Jamie-

I like that she’s got a little color, although it doesn’t work with the whole ‘China Doll’ aesthetic of the shoot. I like that her whole face is smiling sort of mysteriously, like ‘I have a secret, wanna know it?’. In the full shot, you’ll see that the body pose isn’t all that exciting though.

Kristy-

Her face is like… wonky. Her mouth is just SO tight in the corners and stuff and it looks horrendous, but I love the hand on the side and the whole ‘looking regal on a ladder’ thing.

Rebecca-

Now seems like a good time to tell you that if you love Rebecca, you won’t like me. There’s just nothing of interest really going on here! It’s a serious meh.

Samantha-

Don’t worry folks… She never sees a spot this low again. EVER. She suffers from dead eyes and uninteresting pose here. Also, her dress is sort of oddly fitted around her boobs. But that’s not her fault.

Kamila-

Her mouth does look stupid, like she’s trying to catch a bug on her tongue or something, but I love the hair swooshed over one shoulder and the tilt of the head. Certainly not an elimination worthy picture.

Emma-

Everyone seems to hate Emma, but I think there’s something sort of cute about her face. Her pose, however, is a disaster. She has no energy, and her left arm looks like a vagina!

Leiden-

Cock-eyed is an understatement. Add some neck wrinkles, a weirdly ajar mouth and odd, slicked back hair and it’s just not a picture I can get with.

Belinda-

She seemed like she had a fun little personality, but to me, it’s clear that she’s not a model. She looks completely unfocused, her mouth is weird… Ugh. A clear least favorite for me.

Photoshoot 2- Napoleon Perdis Waterproof Makeup.

Napoleon Perdis is such a loser. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

For the second time in a row… I bring you-

Alyce-

The blue nails look sort of stupid, but the rest is gorgeous. I like how she tilted her head so her ears wouldn’t look so big. The water sort of glides right over her face, where everyone else looks basically drowned. No, seriously… She’s the only one that looks above water.

Jamie-

Drowned, but still pretty! I like her eyes, and how they’re still flirty despite a sheet of water. And I also really like that her ears aren’t massive.

Alamela-

Nothing about it really stands out, but that’s not a bad thing in a shoot where flaws are easy to come across. Again, I like the not huge ears, and the way she doesn’t look completely drowned.

Caris-

This is one of the more drowned ones, but I love it, because in spite of that, she looks so… sexy! It reminds me of a movie still where the romantic lead was just kissed in the rain and she’s about to smile at you, but the picture was taken right before the corners of her mouth turned in. I mean, look! The eyebrow is all wonky and everything! That’s just a beautiful scenario! And I love Caris’ face. Even when it’s all wet.

Alexandra-

It’s funny how the rain drops beaded perfectly around her lips, as if they could sense the collagen implants. I like it, despite her over abundant ears. It’s just not my favorite.

Samantha-

You can barely see the water on her! I hate her hair all scraped back like that, but when you have eyes like that, how bad can the picture really be?

Demelza-

Alert the Keebler factory… One of the elves is missing! But, even I can’t deny that her face is made for beauty… She has great eyes and pretty lips… But damn, those are some Dumbo ears!

Emma-

Same face as the other picture… cute, but nothing extraordinary. Also, does her water look weirdly sperm-like to anyone else?

Rebecca-

Why the eff did she get first call out for this? She looks bored and a little pissed off.

Belinda-

If she was supposed to look pissed, this would be the best one. But since nobody else looks mad, I can assume that she just had the wrong approach. I hate how far away this is… she has like no chin.

Kristy-

Wonky face and no top lip! Bye bye! But not the worst!

Leiden-

Bottom 2 again with that monstrous jaw! Too bad, because her lips are great. But ugh, share some chin with Belinda, Leiden! Yikes.

Call-Out Averages After 2 Shoots-

Alyce (1)- 1/1

Caris (3.5)- 3/4

Alamela (3.5)- 4/3

Demelza (4)- 2/6

Jamie- (4)- 6/2

Alexandra (5)- 5/5

Samantha- (8)- 9/7

Rebecca (8.5)- 8/9

Kristy (9)- 7/11

Emma (9.5)- 11/8

Kamila- 10

Belinda (11.5)- 13/10

Leiden (12)- 12/12

It’s been a while since she told you… But Liverpool is a…

The more I watch her say it in her cute over-enunciated voice, the happier it makes me. I can’t believe I like this one!!!!!!!!!!!

(Thanks to Curdledandspoiled from All-ANTM for this GIF!)

Previously on America’s Next Top Model… Fo couldn’t stop crying about her awesome hair. Jessica was a box who thought she was hotter than everyone else, and she was SENT. HOME. 11 girls remain. Who isn’t going to the top 10?

The girls come home from judging, and Teyona is THRILLED to see her picture. She smiles the biggest friggin smile I’ve ever seen and I’ve honestly never loved her more. It’s cute to see how happy she is. She says ‘Bam’, in response to the comments on the screen, which say ‘This is a model!’ and something else that I can’t see. Bam? Did Emeril enter ANTM? Teyona’s jaw is big enough for two, if you’re interested, Emeril! Anyway, whoopee Teyona, but that first call out belonged to Creepychan. Your picture was overrated. And so are you, for that matter. Everyone on IMDb is hot for your ass, but when you win, they’ll all betray you. Happens every time.

Teyona interviews first about the competition getting harder and not wanting a friend to be eliminated, but secretly feeling glad it’s not her. Hahaha, bitch. Except I would be the same way. She then hilariously says that ‘Well, at least there’s extra space’. ROFL.

St. Aminat knows that every week someone’s gotta go home. Every week. She will now be known as aforementioned St. Aminat because of her ability to give great advice. She is smarter than Tyra’s lowermost fat jiggle. Nijah confesses that every time Tyra calls her name, she tries to grab the picture and run. Nijah, please! You know that you have to stand submissively while Tyra tells you that you’re still in the running ‘towards’ becoming America’s Next Top Model. Nijah does second confessional (Two black women in the bottom two? Not even! The bottom 2 rule doesn’t apply this episode. I’m calling it) about not being a boring person and needing to work on her intensity. She says she needs to show her personality, and that she’ll have it right this week. NIJAH, PLEASE. Your ass is so grass with a confessional like that. Haven’t we learned yet that unless you’re a burn victim, you need to already be perfect.

Speaking of imperfections, has Kortnie interviewed once this season?

Tahlia is upset by the critiques she received at judging about not being ‘on’ at the set and letting insecurity devour her ass. So many mean things I could say right now, but I won’t. I’m better than that. She’s binging on grapes. 

I do love a girl that binges on grapes. St. Aminat tells Tahlia, ‘Don’t check yourself out until Tyra checks you out.’ Honestly, if this modeling thing doesn’t work out, Aminat needs to open a bumper sticker business, because she’s pure gold. ‘Keep it cute or put it on mute’ (Fuck you, Chris Crocker. You didn’t invent that!) was the first of many gems and I suspect that we’re in for many more. Because Tahlia is binging on grapes, I forgive her for the (soon to be broken record) statement about not having experience or knowledge in modeling. Cough, why the fuck are you here again, cough? She says it’s hard to not have confidence when she started out so strong. Cut to the burn victim in the bikini. Sigh. She really is a cute girl, but I wish she would be hilariously bitchy or something, and not wallow in self pity. She’d be so much more interesting if she did that. St. Aminat tells Tahlia that this is New York and that this is the time of her life, so she needs to be good and be interesting and if she can’t, she shouldn’t be here. Now THAT’S bam worthy.

TYRRAAAA MAAAAIIIIL.

‘Mind your Ps and Qs. And J’. Oh my god. That is seriously the lamest thing ever. Who are the writers for this show? Keep it smart, or shut the fuck up. Did Chris Crocker invent that one too? I’m not crediting him. The girls decide that it must be runway ‘class’. Has that douchebag given any constructive help since Cycle 3? I think not. He mocks the people who suck and makes weird faces at everyone else. I’m not happy with him these days. Most of the girls are happy about the supposed runway teach. Allison is like ‘Shit, runway time.’

Natalie tells us that she loves her walk and feels that she has an edge, since she’s modeled before. She feels she’s a great model. Giiirl, you better deliver with that kind of attitude. St. Aminat doesn’t like Natalie’s big head and isn’t impressed with the cockiness. She thinks that maybe Nat feels she doesn’t have to try so hard to do well and can just relax, so St. Aminat thinks maybe she should have some humble pie. To illustrate this point, we see Natalie criticizing everyone else’s walk. Hahaha, bitch.

The hideola bus drives the girls somewhere, and Allison (Chris Crocker’s ex sister… I’m sure) is insecure about her walk. She’s nervous. She’s trying not to think about it and not be consumed by her fear. Oh Allie. Just think about the pre-creepychan days when you and Chris Crocker were friends. Oh, they didn’t exist and he’s a lying piece of crap? Not surprising. Okay, then think of the creepychan days when your life consisted of turning the green hue up on photoshop and turning your bug eyed 4chan pictures into nightmare material. There there, Allison. Amanda will make it all better for you.

Everyone runs into some old Victorian mansion. Liverpool, in her loud, over-enunciated voice which I am growing to love (I’ve literally almost forgiven this girl for being a STREET. PREACHERRRR. What is the world coming to?!), LOVED THE SCENERY, BUT DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. Well doy. You just got there. Don’t be so numb, Liverpool. Out comes Miss J, dressed as a school marm. Hankie, teacup, glasses. He welcomes them to his charm school. Y’know, in spite of my feelings for him this week, I kind of like it. It’s campy without being Tyra like ‘Oh, fucking kill me’ terrible. He tells them all to ‘Simmer down’, and then remarks that they all look dreadful and need to scurry on and change into something appropriate. Does that sound stupid? It is. But it’s pretty bearable compared to some of the shit I’ve sat through. They change into some WOOOOONDERFUL ([/sarcasm]) tan pants, and we hear Nijah talking about feeling confident about her strong walk, but needing to push herself. NIJAH, PLEASE. YOU ARE SO BOTTOM 2. JUST SHUT UP ALREADY.

The walk is about pace… poise… elegance… Smooth. Uh, one of these things is not like the other. Noun… noun… noun… adjective? Celia tells us that J floats. She is blown away by his beautiful floating. I’m blown away by the fact that I’m sort of enjoying this. They all walk. Celia wants a signature walk that defines her. Her eyes need to focus. Aminat needs spirit. GUUURL, WHAT?! How soon we forget that first runway. But he’s right… She does look sort of bored. IT’S THAT MISSING FRO, I TELL YA. Fo walks too fast. Nijah has no presence and looks mad at something when she walks. NIJAH, PLEASE. What happened to pushing yourself? Kortnie made J spit his tea out. Bahahaha. Congrats pit-lizard. That’s your biggest achievement in this competition so far. Sandra has a case of the shoulder wiggly jigglies. J mocks, of course. Tahlia is too slow and she has bad posture. She needs more confidence. Shockerrr of the century. Liverpool has no poise or grace. Teyona got an ‘Oh dear’. Allison needs work. Her walk says ‘Help me’. So does the demon living in her stomach. Plus, she’s got bug eyes. Did you know? J puts a book on her head, and tells her to walk again. She’s embarrassed that everyone is watching her, and knows she’s overanalyzing everything she’s doing. J says that she needs all the help she can get. Natalie has a confident, ‘I know I’m pretty’ walk. J loves her and he loves her body. Fo likes Natalie’s walk too.

J calls for Bianca and Chantal. WAIT. Binkers and Barbie Chantal? HELL YES, IN THE FLESH. Two women more deserving of an ANTM title than Saleisha… Well, except for that whole ANTM being cursed thing, so I guess she was deserving of being a complete failure in the modeling world. T-Zone camp for the loss at life! Bianca has let her hair grow back, which looks surprisingly good. She’s gorgeous. Chantal ditched the bangs and looks very Nikki Taylor. Teyona was excited to see them in person… I wonder why they agreed to come back. Both of them have respectable modeling careers… well, compared to most of the ex contestants. They demonstrate ‘catwalk respect’ by passing each other on an imaginary runway. The Cycle 12 girls practice too.

Chantal tells them to be natural and confident. Bianca says that, for her, it’s about not overthinking it. CUT TO ALLISON. Cue end of Bianca and Chantal appearance. Ta ta, says J.

Back at the house, Liverpool informs us that they play a lot of games… especially truth or dare. She rolls her eyes at this, but laughs. I don’t know why, but I figured I’d point it out. Kortnie reads, ‘Who has the cleanest nose?’ from a ‘truth’ card and Nijah cuts in on a confessional and says ‘Our dares are crazy’… we immediately cut back to Kortnie LICKING Nijah’s nostril. KORTNIE, PLEASE. You don’t have to lick ANYONE’S boogers to justify your place in this competition! Nijah’s turn! She has to do her best Carlton dance impression. She says that her look and her personality make her stand out. Natalie’s turn. She gets a truth and it says ‘Who had the worst picture other than Jessica last week?’ Wait, who? Jessica? Oh right… Boxy McUglybitcherson. They tell her to be honest and she assures them that she will be. After a few seconds of pondering, she picks Tahlia. Tahlia gets this crushed look on her face and leaves the room. She says ‘Am I at the bottom? Yes. But I don’t have the knowledge that the others have, blah blah blah’. Cry me a river, Tahlia. Nijah rushes out and tells her to not let someone’s opinion ruin her chances at this. Tahlia doesn’t like Natalie anymore. Natalie is selfish and inconsiderate, and because of that, she’ll either win or fall hard on her face. Wait, is that how it works? It’s one or the other?

Honestly… that whole thing further proves why Tahlia has NO business being here. It was TRUTH OR DARE, and Tahlia’s picture WAS the worst one after Jessica’s. If she can’t take a harmless little game, there’s no way in hell she’d make it as a model anyway… NOT THAT SHE WOULD ANYWAY, SINCE SHE IS NOT MODELESQUE AT ALL. Seriously, McKey could loan Tahlia half of her bone structure and she’d still be more model-y. Binge on some grapes, Tahl-Tahl. And shut up.

TYRA MAIL. Take it from me, the runway is the worst place for excess baggage. Everyone thinks that they’ll have an elimination after the show. Don’t you bitches know ANYTHING? Double eliminations only happen when there’s 14 of you to start out, not 13! They all practice walking. Allison is nervous and needs to learn how to do a turn. The girls all sort of roll your eyes like, ‘That’s not all you need, bitch’. St. Aminat tells her to take longer strides. Allison is very worried that she’s toast in this competition.

Teyona comes home from getting her jheri curl fixed. It really doesn’t look that different. Sandra, who I keep calling Simone when I talk about her and so now she will be called that, of all people, is like YAY. Wait a second… where’d our HBIC go? Methinks someone was given a nasty edit! Or maybe she really does suck and is just toning it down. Teyona is ready to ‘get out there’. I assume she means to work. I see that Nik picture again and I really wish she’d won Cycle 5. Sigh.

The Hideolamobile takes them somewhere. St. Aminat is wearing glasses with no lenses. Um, what’s the point? To look stylish? Well, she does look pretty hot with them, so I’ll forgive. J tells them that they’ll be modeling Jill Stuart’s spring collection. Isn’t Jill Stuart like… almost a legit designer? What the hell was she thinking when she agreed to this? To make it interesting, they’ll be carrying bags. Liverpool thinks this is hilarious. I just noticed that Allison’s weave is a ratty mess. Why the hell don’t they do weave upkeep?! Think about it… Kahlen, Lauren, now Allison. What a bunch of half-assed douchebags. Tahlia really wants to get her walk right, and she looks friggin beautiful in the hairdo chair. Seriously, she’s never looked so good. If only she could look that stunning like… in her pictures. Natalie, who is trying to take over for Simone in the head bitch in charge role, thinks everyone is practicing too much, and that they’re gonna psych themselves out. Enter Amanda’s least favorite person ever, Ann Shoket. What a birdface. She’s so excited to see them ROCK. THE RUNWAY. She thinks they LOOK AMAAAAAZING. Stop trying to be like Tyra. It isn’t flattering, Annie.

Celia starts the show, which has a light that changes to ‘Walk’ when the doors open for her to step out onto the runway. She’s beyond excited. She thrives on eyes being all over her. Or something. She thinks the bags are uncommon, but she loves them and all the obstacles of the challenge. Her walk is awesome. Natalie likes to take risks so she can stand out. She does a twirl about halfway down the runway. It’s the most retarded thing ever. The Aswirl twins haven’t cameo-ed yet, so she has no business doing a twirl without their guidance. Jill tells J that she LOOOVED Natalie. J looks grossed out by this. Tahlia hopes she won’t fall. J is disgusted by her sad-ass excuse for a turn. Liverpool’s dress does nothing for her hips. She got really into the music and forgot all the obstacles on the runway. Birdface Shoket made an ‘ew’ face when Kortnie walked. Perhaps all Anniepoo can see is tig ole bitties, like the rest of us. Nijah is confident and excited to be walking. J doesn’t like her at all. MAYBE IF YOU TAUGHT THEM SOMETHING, THEY WOULDN’T SUCK SO MUCH, RUNWAY DIVA EXTRAORDINAIRE. Weird creepy music starts playing as Allison confesses to being afraid of narrow spaces where she can fall. St. Aminat and Simone walk and both do fine. Birdface loves Simone. Allison is backstage having a mini panic attack. She goes out and feels nervous, but tries hard not to get too anxious. Fo tried really hard to be energetic, and she loved the runway. Did I miss Teyona? Liverpool thought this was the end all. O rly? What happened to Jesus, Liverpool? She’s like NOW I CAN SAY I WALKED FOR JILL STUART. Yes, yes you can. And then God shall smite you for being a harlot.

J, Birdface and Jill Stuart come backstage to give critiques. J has a seriously ‘Doyyy’ like expression on his face. Jill was happy that Celia opened. She looked angelic and beautiful. Fo had a big personality out there. Teyona (seriously, did I miss it?) looked a little stiff. Allison was cute and quirky. J applauded her for taking his advice. She said she was very proud of herself for not sucking it up. Natalie had a beautiful walk, and she looked lovely. She was confident and strong. They hated the twirl. Showing off is fine, but only if its good. Hahahaha, and how! Tahlia had a weak walk and needed more confidence, as her discomfort was obvious. Cue the violins. This girl is going to be talking about this for weeks… if she stays that long… GOD FORBID. Nijah looked pretty and feminine, but she needed a stronger walk. Natalie and Celia did the best, but… Natalie wins. Celia goes from looking thrilled to looking seriously pissed. They kept talking about how Natalie was great, despite her stupid twirl. She wins Jill Stuart collection items. She’s thrilled that her twirl wasn’t enough to ruin her walk.

Tahlia calls her sister, Marquis. Interesting name. Tahlia and Marquis. I like it. This mom, despite leaving her baby alone with a hot coffee pot, seems like she might be cool. Tahlia says she wants to go home (!!!! Fo(licia) real?) because things aren’t going well. Marquis says that this experience will make Tahlia stronger. Tahlia wants to make the best out of the situation, but that it’s really hard for her. Ugh. WE KNOW. Time for another grape binge, babe.

TYRAMAIL.

Kortnie comes running into the room with Celia on her back. They’re both yelling and it’s quite alarming. Okay, so Kortnie’s four contributions, in four episodes, have been… 1. Defining Pit Lizard. 2. Making J spit his tea everywhere. 3. Licking Nijah’s nose. 4. Giving Celia a piggyback into a room. Hurr-ah. At least Tahlia has a story line. And she eats green grapes. What are you feeding the cans, Kortnie? The Tyramail says ‘Give it your all tomorrow or you’ll get thrown under the bus.’ Teyona does her best ‘under a bus imitation’. She looks remarkably like last week’s ‘Find your light’ #1 call out picture. ONE LOOK PONY, TEY TEY? Tahlia NEEDS to show her confidence. Uh huh. So do it. Stop talking about it and do it.

The Uglybus drives them… somewhere… One of those double decker NYC tourist buses drives up and Mr. Jay gets off of it. He tells them it’s a gorgeous, chilly day in Manhattan and that they’ll have to put their modeling skills to the test today… Wait, what? You mean they haven’t been put to the test already? Jumping around like pedophile wank material and holding light up vibrators to their faces wasn’t modeling skills? You’ve got to be kidding me. Jay says that they’ll each be telling a story. The photoshoot will be New York themed, and they’ll each have a character from a specific New York area to portray. They needed a photographer who was good at telling stories with his lens…

OH MY GOD. MIKE ROSENTHAL… Aka the best person to ever live. The man who will always secretly by the ideal father for my not yet existing children. He’s wearing a hat. I wish he was nude. He tells them to give him big energy. Oh, I’ll give him energy. He is the hottest man alive and really needs to replace Nigel on panel, because nobody likes a bald douche with three inches of Coverstick covering his wrinkles.

Sutan doesn’t think Nijah looks like a SoHo ‘artiste’ at all… Bahahaha. Way to totally insult the show, Sutan. He better not get fired.

Fo and St. Aminat are first. Fo says that they look like power bitches. St. Aminat says no way. They’re women. Bitches don’t look like they do. Fo, in what is definitely her best moment yet, says ‘Well whatever, I’m all about money’. She thinks they should look busy. Jay tells them that they’re very ‘fashion meets wall-street’. They start talking and bantering, acting like real stock brokers. They yell about money and look pissed off. It’s hilarious and cute, and Jay loved it.

SoHo time. SoHo is Jay’s favorite area to shop. Do they sell shirts with cleavage on them in SoHo? (Please tell me that someone remembers what I’m talking about) He wants them to be not just women, but an artist and her muse. Nijah immediately stands like a robot. NIJAH, PLEASE. So much for pushing yourself. She wants both of them to look good in the picture, but it ain’t happening. Kortnie is giving it. Nijah isn’t taking it ‘there’. DO WHAT MIKE SAYS, NIJAH, OR I’LL DO IT FOR YOU.

Celia doesn’t know how to hold a baby. She says that she’d probably hold it by its foot. She and Simone are meant to be overly fabulous nannies who ignore the kids. They look like sluts, but in a good way. Simone gets praise for using her hands. I wonder if she’s had lots of practice, if you know what I mean. They both did really well.

Liverpool and Allison have to be snobby, boozing socialites, or ‘Mike on a Sunday’, according to Jay. Is that what he does? Sign me up for a snobby, boozy Sunday with Rosenthal, please! Allison is excited to work with Liverpool. Ew, why? You’re so much better… Until this photoshoot, when she can’t figure out how to be snotty. Liverpool ‘looks like such a bitch, it’s fabulous!’ Allison has ‘real problems’ and can’t play a convincing bitch. She thought the creepo eyes would pull through for her, but apparently it didn’t transfer.

Tahlia, Teyona and Natalie are tourists in Times Square. Teyona is holding a soft pretzel, and takes a huge bite, and then promptly spits it out. How bizarre, and what a waste of perfectly good soft pretzel! Tahlia says that she needs to get over her dislike of Natalie so she can pull out a good shot. Jay says that Tahlia is delightful and that the other two need to feed off her energy. Natalie is ‘pantomime modeling’ because she used a fake camera when there was a real one right by her feet. What a dumbass. Jay says that Natalie looks like a model, but she isn’t giving them what she has. They all yell TIMES SQUARE. It’s queer. Tahlia continues to do better than the others. Natalie is sort of happy that Tahlia did well, and hopes that she managed a good shot herself. Awww, a redemption edit so soon? I sort of liked bitchy Natalie. At least she had a purpose.

TYRA MAIL. I feel like there’s been A LOT of Tyramail this episode. Teyona has pantyhose on her head. Is she trying to hide Jheri Curl part 2? What happened to it being so much better?! Natalie feels like she’s all set in the competition.. Liverpool is fascinated with analyzing who will be in the bottom 2. Girl, if you leave the bible at home, we can watch Cycle 13 together and figure it out in less than 5 minutes per episode. Allison is scared shitless about panel. Oh creepychan. Just think about the video your ex brother Chris Crocker would make for you if you were eliminated. LEAVE ALLIE (You guys know her as Allison?) ALONE… PLEEEEASE. Nijah doesn’t think that she’ll be in the bottom 2. NIJAH, PLEASE. Don’t be so moronic! You’ve been talking about bettering yourself all episode. That shit doesn’t fly when you’re the prom queen and Tyra wasn’t. Like I said before… you need to have burn scars to play that card. THIS IS CYCLE 12. HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING? The editing is so hilariously obvious… Every time the words ‘Bottom 2’ are mentioned, they flash to Allison and Nijah.

So, I took the time to copy down Tyra’s stupid public service announcement this time. It really is a laugh inducer. Here it is, word for word:

‘Once, there was a supermodel who wanted to guide future girls. So she broke out her rules to her owning your inner fierceness. Sometimes, getting lost is the only way to be discovered’. WHAT. THE. HELL. DOES. THAT. SHIT. MEAN?!!? First of all Ribsy, YOU’RE RETIRED. Second of all… I hate you. So, so much. And yet, I keep watching your damn show.

We’re introduced to the judges… including Paulina, who is ‘rocking the ponytail and the bang’ (She swings her head around to show it. Bahahah.) and the NOOOOOOOOOOOOTED, SEXIFIED fashion photographer, Nigel Barker. Ew. Anyway, is he really noted anymore? He’s been doing this crap since like 2003 or something… Has he done any photoshoots other than the one shoot per cycle? Guest judge is… Jill Stupid Stuart. WHERE IS MIKE ROSENTHAL? Hopefully he’ll show up for a second photoshoot like he did in Cycle 11. I just realized that both of his pictures earned Marjorie her first call-outs. I love him even more than I did before, since Marjorie is in my top 5 favorite contestants of all time and stuff. Tyra hopes judging will be as festive as her shirt. I hope it’ll look as festive once you spill barbecue sauce all over it when you devour the rack of ribs backstage after taping ends. The girls will be evaluated as a group and then BROKEN. DOWN. INDIVIDUALLY. Tyra needs to stop breaking her words up so much. She sounds even more retarded than usual.

Kortnie and Nijah are first. And…  WHAT. THE. SHIT. You cannot expect me to believe that this was the best shot when Kortnie was getting a generally good critique. It is seriously one of the worst shots in Top Model History. I’m not kidding when I say that. J doesn’t see the ‘artist muse’ thing at all. Neither does Paulina. Paulina essentially tells them that the picture is crap. Nijah, who is by far the better looking of the two in the picture, although that isn’t saying much, is apparently bringing the picture down by looking too ‘model-y’. As opposed to Kortnie, who looks like she has a stick rammed up her crack. Kortnie has intensity (she doesn’t, but what do those morons know?) and Nijah looks dead. NIJAH, PLEASE. Except you really don’t suck the most in this picture.

The picture doesn’t work. No shit, Nigel. Get out of town and get Rosenthal in your spot. You’re tired and boring to me.

Fo and Aminat both look amazing in front of the judges. And they do to normal people too. I’m even used to St Aminat’s Naomi Campbell weave.… Paulina loves the picture and calls it “Outrageously great” and says that it “makes her happy”. Aminat’s working her bone structure, and is doing the pouty thing she does without looking mean. Fo just looks awesome, and they’re happy she’s back on top of the game. Yeah, me too. Fo was in the bottom 2, but Tahlia and Kortnie haven’t been yet. What the hell. Even Simone is better than those two.

Speaking of Simone… She and Celia look GREAT in person. J asks her IF HER KNEES ARE ASHY. HOLY RACIST STATEMENT, except of course, I cracked the hell up. She’s like ‘Uh no… I put lotion on them’ and he’s all ‘Oh, okay. I guess you’re right.’ Why did editing choose to leave that in?! Perhaps for my amusement, since all I’ve heard this episode is how Tahlia needs confidence, and how Natalie has too much confidence and… blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. BLAHHHHHHHH. Their picture is editorial… They don’t look like nannies, but it works because they’re insanely awesome. Simone’s whole body screams editorial, and she steals the shot, even though her face is in full profile. She makes the shot come alive. Celia looks great, but doesn’t have as much feeling projecting from her as Simone. Jill thinks she looks a little stiff. Yeah, no one asked you, Jill. Celia looks amazing. Trust me, and not that witch.

Next we have the tourists. Paulina buys their fake smiles, because it feels real to her. Tahlia looks alive and joyous. Teyona looks like an alien. Seriously, her hairline starts at her ears. I hate her picture. Tyra comments on the pretty teeth she has way back in her head. Uh, what? I see a face that could eat me. Natalie looks pretty, but not genuine enough.

Allison’s dressed like a little girl… AGAIN. She and Liverpool are playing ‘frenemies’. Tyra is disappointed because they had the most pop culture to draw from, unlike the others. Say whatta what now? Are there not like sixteen Nanny shows on various networks? What happened to the genuine joy of the three tourists? HYPOCRISY. Tyra clears it up for me by name dropping CW show Gossip Girl… What a sell-out. Do you think Creepychan watches Gossip Girl? She then does her failure music… the “Waaaah waaah waaaawawawaaaaaa’ thing. Apparently they failed, although Liverpool looks pretty damn good to me. Allison didn’t give as much as she should have. She knows she overthought it. Paulina tells Allison that she looks like a hungover Olsen twin, which is mean, but I’m sure Allison took it as a compliment. She’s probably like, ‘Next time I want to look like the corpse of an Olsen twin!’. Nigel loves Liverpool’s condescending face. Tyra loves Liverpool’s look, even though she just bashed the entire picture. Liverpool’s panel outfit is seriously not doing her any favors. She looks so wide! It’s terrible!

Panel time! Which girl is getting on the Greyhound and leaving the New York State of Mind? Paulina says that Kortnie has a little bit of potential… More than she thought she did originally, anyway. Proof that Paulina will never be Janice. Janice would not accept Kortnie’s tig ole bitties. Janice would know that Kortnie’s picture sucks royally. Nigel wasn’t ‘a-mused’ by the muse and artist picture. Please die, Nigel. Nijah is wasting her model potential. She’s a yawn. A pretty yawn, but still a yawn. More on that later. This is the first great picture of Aminat, according to the judges. I liked her first one, but it wasn’t great, so I guess I agree. Jill Stuart says Aminat is the girl next door. WHAT?! Where the hell do you live, Jill? Fo was one of the weakest last week, but now she’s on top and she’s awesome. Yeah, her picture wasn’t weak last time, bitches. It was her incessant crying that was weak. Her picture was certainly better than TAHLIA’S, and Natalie agrees. So there. J loves Fo. Simone and Celia are the most fashionable in their picture. Tyra loves Simone’s blonde hair. I guess it’s safe to say that she ISN’T getting a new makeover, bahahaha. Celia is a model from head to toe. She has a sense of style. Paulina says she might not be a top model, but a model. Shut up Paulina. I’m at the front of Celia parade. Natalie is boring. Nigel doesn’t buy the emotion. Neither does Paulina. They all agree that she’s attractive. I think she’s pretty hot, but she’s gonna need to keep those eyebrows in check. I mean, I’ve got bionic eyebrows… They grow back like 2 hours after I pluck them, so I can dig a strong brow-line, but she’s getting a little Planet of the Ape-y. The only thing you can see from Teyona is her unflattering pose. Tahlia has never looked better… Her pose is flattering and fabulous. Lay it on thick, you pinheads. It’s not THAT good. It’s not fashion at all. It looks like a candid. You’d never see that in Vogue. Tyra, Vogue is this magazine that’s really famous and you get in it if you’re A GOOD MODEL. I KNOW YOU’RE OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY, SO IM REMINDING YOU. Also, how were these pictures edited? Nobody looks super-imposed at all. So, are you telling me that Teyona and Natalie may have had a better picture but they had to accept this meh-ness for Tahlia’s gleeful tourist picture? I. Call. Bullshit. That doesn’t seem fair at all. It explains Kortnie’s picture (sort of) but it’s still retarded. Liverpool looks good in the picture, despite the shot overall not doing anything for anyone. She has potential. Allison could have been better, and she gave the same bug eyed look as always. Well guys… Her eyes ARE buggy. She’s not doing that to be one note… Her eyes just look like that! J demonstrates. It’s actually funny. I still hate J. Paulina likes the bug eyed look. I still hate you too, Paulina.

11 beautiful wannabe New Yorkers stand in front of Tyra… But only 10 of you can continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s. Next. Top. Unemployed. Model. Simone gets first call-out, followed by Aminat, Tahlia (!??!$#?%@$# OH MY GOD), Fo, Celia, Kortnie (You have GOT to be kidding me), Liverpool, Teyona and then Natalie. Does winning the challenge count for nothing these days? Natalie was definitely better than Kortnie and Teyona. The bottom 2 is Allison and Nijah, to… NOBODY’S surprise. They’re both there for different reasons. Allison makes people go ‘Whoa, that’s interesting!’ There’s something special about her look. The photo lacked the interesting-ness. Is that a fluke or is it going to be a standard thing? It was depressing for the Rib Queen to see.

Nijah is gorgeous, but she’s pure filler… She can’t duplicate the shiny first picture that had TEN.SHUN in her body. After trying to push herself all week, Nijah is eliminated. NIJAH PLEASE. Sorry, I just wanted to say that one more time.

Allison is instructed to find her light (isn’t that from last week’s challenge?!) and is told not to rely on her eyes.

Nijah would still be around if her competition wasn’t so strong. Uh, what? Nijah is lightyears ahead of Kortnie and Tahlia. Seriously… these two just need to go. Can we please have a shocking double elimination? Tyra tells her that she has the goods, but needs to do more than rely on what mommy and daddy made. Oy. Way to make Nijah think about her parents having sex. TYRA, PLEASE. Teyona gives Nijah a big ass hug. Don’t kill the girl, Tey. She’s already eliminated. Tyra plugs TEN.SHUN once more.

Nijah is disappointed that she lost. The competition opened her eyes (Too bad you couldn’t smile with them… OH SNAP. Ugh). Her elimination speech is classy, especially compared to Jessica’s self assessment about how hot she is from last week’s episode.

Next week… Someone is getting bullied. Or something like that.

Some post show thoughts-

Why does Tyra even cast these gorgeous girls if she’s just going to eliminate them for being pretty? I’d rather look at resting on pretty than downright fug from Kortnie. Is it an inferiority complex? Jealous of Isabella’s epilpesy, Jessica’s boxiness, Nijah’s prom queen title?

Liverpool is quite possibly the least effective STREET. PREACHERR. Ever. I like her because of this.

Teyona’s teeth remind me of the Joker. I still am not on board.

I think St. Aminat’s advice is meant to be genuine. She probably responds well to pressure and so she wants to have to step it up as much as possible. If she does well, she’ll know she was against the best everyone else had to give.

If the judges like Allison’s bug eyes, why did they style her with a hat that covers half of her face? Also, she’s surprisingly nice, despite the fact that she’s the only ANTM contestant with pre-show work that makes sleeping difficult.

Simone is a way better model when she isn’t being a bitch.

Miss. J was funny as a school marm, but he’s still fired for being a horrible teacher.

I think ANTM’s suckage is rubbing off on Mike Rosenthal. He used to be the best photographer ever, and this cycle… his shots were… Okay. They really need a beauty shot or something. I’m so sick of these bluish hued group shots.

This is totally stolen from Television Without Pity, but it’s so damn accurate, so I thought I’d share it- ‘Tahlia reminds me of that old joke, “I broke my hand! Will I ever be able to play piano again?” “Yes, in a few months.” “That’s great! I couldn’t play piano before!”

Tahlia’s version is, “I got horribly burned as a child! Will I ever be able to model again?” “Sure, if you go on ANTM.” “That’s great! There’s no earthly reason why I’d be considered as a model in any other venue.”’

Please let Kortnie or Tahlia go home next week…

To see my ranking of the photos, watch the following YouTube. I’m not going to be posting the photos on here for a while because of the hyperlinkers-