My ANTM Addiction Starts Here

This episode reached all new levels of boring, so it’ll be the shortest one I’ve ever done. Sorry guys… It is what it is. I guess along with shrinking Tyra and the contestants, the producers also decided to make this show less retarded and slightly legit to compensate for the lack of height thing. Nice, but bad for sarcastic blogging.

Things we Learned on ANTM this Week-

-Loving your picture that is awesome (like you, and YOU KNOW IT) and even secretly loving your boob that is threatening to bust out is grounds for a bottom 3 appearance and a quote from a short ass model saying that you’re ‘not all there’.

'I'm awesome... AND I KNOW IT'

-Erin has totally been given the Natalie edit for this cycle… Personalityless on set, great pictures, possibly catty but possibly the victim of editing.

'How the mighty have fallen... Damn, my pictures are fierce'

She pushed people out of the way to try and win a challenge (she lost to Sundae, btw) and then when she was called out about her recent stankishness, she started crying and blamed fatigue. BITCH, PLEASE. You can’t have it both ways. At least Natalie never started bawling after being called S-T-U-P-I-D.

Biyanka doesn’t want to be in the bottom 2 again. Can you say kiss of death? I can! Of course, Biyanka was eliminated this week for basically looking like a man in her photos. Poor ‘Yank. She didn’t look so bad in this week’s shot (more on that soon), and I think that, in general, she just had some lingering abuse issues that made her seem unpleasant. But she wasn’t too terrible. Not even close to the level of our original Biyanka, that’s for sure.

'Jesus makes me hit myself'

-Putting the chill on a popsicle is a vair good thing. Also, saying ‘oh my god’ in apparent fear about a really stupid challenge is endearing when you’re the prettier, less bitchy half of the albino club.

-Now that Biyanka AND Luly are gone, we need someone with a new nickname. I vote this week’s receiver of first call out (which was a funky chicken… Tyra, who shot the photos, and Mr. Jay chose the best performance on set and that person was exempt from elimination AND got to do a photoshoot for Tyra’s website)…

'I am NOT Brittany! I'm Sundae's height!'

That’s Angela Bettis, by the way. Not Brittany. But their resemblance is sort of freaky… Brittany is probably a little less coked out, but Angela is less pointy. So… Brittany is now Angela. When I remember. Also, she did nothing else of consequence this episode, so I don’t feel guilty not finding a GIF of her.

-You can look like an ‘after shot’ of an extremely terrible face lift that mated with a reindeer and still get second call out on this show. Also, if you are the token Asian, you will be commended for screaming like a horny chicken on set and getting a shot that is not remotely ‘beauty’esque and instead makes me wretch in horror.

'YOU DID NOT PUH-SUEDE ME, JENNI-FAH'

-Being a gorgeous, flawless looking emo child guarantees you a second or fourth call out until otherwise noted-

'Bitch better have my first call out'

-If you are discovered on the Tyra Banks show, you can survive 3 wardrobe changes and be subjected to a ‘falling short’ joke.

… yeah, sorry, Ashley’s way too boring for a GIF.

-Going to Wal-Mart every five minutes is only acceptable if your name is pronounced like an ice cream product

'I am the only one left with a nickname! =('

-Wind machines benefit those with homemade clothes made by a fierce woman named Wanda Sue-

This is what I got when I googled Wanda Sue.

That was in reference to Laura, by the way. She also taught me that admitting to being a loser can be endearing, but only if you’re from the South.

-Nigel Barker is being extra utilized and it’s grossing me out. Also, his wife is pretty, but she’s a robot.

'I'm a big douche and this is my Real Doll'

-You can be second eliminated on ANTM and be acknowledged 5 cycles later in a top models in action segment. Maybe sometime this millenium, they’ll acknowledge Elyse Sewell-

'I had to be a lesbian and then a ho, and Natasha STEALS THIS GIF RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER ME'

-ANTM is totally trying to be Australia by playing ridiculous elimination music (seriously, it was like a bleating TOOOPP MOOOOODELLL type yodel thing). It almost distracted me from Biyanka’s elimination speech, was by far her most endearing moment in this competition. Also, this seems like a nice place to point out that olive green is totally that woman’s color, and she’s never looked more beautiful. EVER.

Uh, here’s the call out order!

Brittany (Chosen at the shoot and exempt from elimination)

Jennifer (One of the worst shots of the cycle and the only major faux pas in the call out order), Rae, Nicole, Erin, Laura, Sundai, Kara, Ashley, Bianca. Obviously, I’ll do my photoshoot ranking tomorrow… Tyra’s shoots are usually pretty well done and this panel was no exception.

Oh god, look what I’ve been reduced to. Complimenting Tyra. Dear lawd.

Anyway, thank you for sticking with me despite this uber-dull episode. I hope the excessive media makes up for the lack of witty text. I considered just writing BIYANKA WENT HOME and posting that, hahaha. I will be featuring a special episode on the many faces of Tyra sometime before the next episode to make up for this utter joke of a recap.

Oh, and since I stole a couple of his GIFs again, I urge you all to go to Fourfour.typepad.com.

Thank you for reading, as always <3

Seriously, who does Biyanka think she’s kidding with her recent love for Jesus? I mean, THAT’S COOL, THAT’S COOL, but Amber has already totally exhausted our need for religion, has she not?

Yes, I am still mourning her loss. Moving on to the ‘elongate yourself’ photos. There are no closeups yet, from what I can find, but honestly, the face is pretty unimportant for the brief.

The first three shots called out by the judges happen to be my favorites too. Starting with Kara-

I don’t mind that her left boob is threatening to escape. Seriously, homegirl looks long and lean and out of control. Her legs look amazing, as does the rope wrapped around her left stem. She’s doing the tension thing that gets Tyra all hot and bothered without looking too stiff. I know I just said that the face was unimportant but her face is looking purdy too.

Nicole-

As a shot, this one is my absolute favorite. She really does look about 400 feet tall. THAT BEING SAID… I think she can credit the photographer for clearly shooting her at an angle that makes her appear taller… That is to say that the stunningness of this shot doesn’t have much to do with Nicole’s posing as much as it has to do with her hotness. And even taking that into account, I have to rank it third. It’s just SO hot.

Erin-

Erin takes the albino cake from Rae again with this picture. First of all, I love her blue shoes. I wish I had the confidence to work electric blue velour pumps. Secondly, this pose is hot. She’s so tall and lean and pretty, and her ass looks amazing. I’m almost always a fan of the way she’s holding her right hand. Gaw-juss.

Jennifer-

I cannot tell a lie. Idi Amin looks great… I love the bend in her body… It’s creating such an interesting angle. Her face still looks stupid as hell, but I solemnly swore not to take the faces into account… much. The pose is fierce. I rest my case.

Laura-

Okay, so she’s not looking like an Amazonian goddess but if I can rank Nicole second for standing still, I can rank Laura fifth for looking hot in teal green. She certainly hasn’t stumpified herself, amirite?

Luly-

As stankity stank as she is, I have to admit that Luly’s photogenic-ness should have saved her from elimination for at least a few more weeks. Smizing indeed. And I bet the picture would be 10x hotter if they’d let her wrap the rope around her neck. As it stands, her right thigh bothers me, but I actually think the rest of the picture is… pretty hot.

Sundae-

Her face just… bugs. Seriously, she looks a bit like some desperate skank trying to get laid at a club or something. BUT, does she look 5′3? No suh, she does not. So for that reason, AND BECAUSE ON MY HONOR, I AM NOT COUNTING THE FACE AS HEAVILY AS I NORMALLY WOULD, she goes here.

Rae-

I’m worried for Rae. I think her first call out shield has worn off, and I can see her being eliminated for something really stupid. Which would make me sad, because she’s beautiful, and this picture isn’t as bad as the judges painted it out to be. Is she doing anything particularly special? Definitely not. But I don’t see anything BAD about the shot either.

Ashley-

Her body shape has caused the dress to cut her in an extremely unflattering way, and she’s stumpifying her legs to the max. Also, not to act like Tyra gives valuable advice but the lackluster way that she’s grasping the hoop bugs the shit out of me. Act like you give a damn, Ashley. After sitting on it, Luly was robbed. Ashley hasn’t delivered a good shot yet. All of Luly’s pictures have been at least decent.

Biyanka-

THIS is the start of the redemption edit?! THIS SHOT?! Her legs are adorable, but the pose is a joke! WHY does this girl think she is Queen Marjorie?!!? SHE’S NOT. THE HUNCH IS NOT FOR YOU, BIYANKA. Rest assured, I actually like her, despite her more than lackluster portfolio but THIS PHOTO?! Does Tyra expect the majority of viewers to buy this shot as ‘good’ and see it as a turnaround point for Biyanka? I call BULLSHIT. It’s gonna take more than that, Miz. Banks.

Brittany-

Everything about this, short of her standing on her tip toes, is a mistake. Her turned in knees look about five inches long. The dress being pulled out to the side makes her look like a human chode. Even her face is just a pointy mess. I hate this picture. Right down there with Biyanka’s travesty of a horse photo, for me.

Numbas-

Nicole (2.3)- 1/4/2

Laura (3)- 3/1/5

Kara (4)- 6/5/1

Rachel- 4

Erin (4.6)- 8/3/3

Rae (5.6)- 2/7/8

Luly (6.3)- 7/6/6

Courtney- 6.5

Brittany (7.3)- 9/2/11

Jennifer (8.6)- 11/11/4

Lisa- 10

Sundae (10)- 14/9/7

Ashley (10.3)- 12/10/9

Biyanka (11.6)- 13/12/10

Rich is your God. Fourfour.com

I didn’t know how else to start this episode, so I figured I’d pay tribute to the chick with the best photo of last week, and the cutest accent since Anya. Which leads me to my first feature of this week’s recap… Is anyone else seeing any similarities between this cycle and cycle 10? I’ll give you a hint… it has nothing to do with plus-sizedness and more to do with major, major stankosity.

Seriously, I’m going to be so bold as to say that each one of the remaining Cycle 13 contestants have something in common with at least one Cycle 10 contestant.

Laura—-> Anya, in that they both have wonderful, adorable accents. Not so much the overachiever that Anya was (didn’t Anya have like 16 first call outs by the third panel?) but the accent thing is enough

Nicole—-> Lauren, in that they both always seemed stoned. Not nearly as obnoxious as Lauren with her ‘I’m so punk rock’, though the ‘I brought a wheelbarrow to school’ thing was retarded.

Biyanka—-> Dominique, in a big way. All the other bitches are picking on her, even though she’s just annoying but generally harmless. I’d say that ‘SOME OF THESE DISHES AREN’T CLEEEEEAAANNNN’ is the new ‘I wanna be like freakin Mother Theresa, but in a diva kind of way’. So far, anyway.

Sundae—> Stacy Ann, in that they both had infectious auditions and are both bubbling balls of energy. DOOO DOOOO DOOOO DOOO DOOO.

Kara—> Also Dominique, although I think Kara is hot.

Luly and Ashley—> They possess the stankosity of both Fatima and Racist Allison, although neither of them made below the belt shots about clitorises, junk in the trunk, or eating disorders.

Rae and Erin—–> Albinoness of Anya, lack of screentime like Katarzyna.

And maybe I’m being harsh here but Jennifer —-> Whitney, in that they are both reeking of token winnings here. And also, Jennifer goes PFFFTTAHH when she’s in an argument. Whitney was more stank, but just as annoying.

Now, you may be asking when Luly and Ashley turned into stank bitches. Last we’d heard, Biyanka was the worst contestant of all time and needed to peace out like… two weeks ago. But somewhere between panel and the shorty funhouse, Luly turned into a bitcher and backstabber. That is SO real.

What would Brandy say, Luly?

So, what I gather is this… The hamsters all get home from panel, ooh and ahh over Erin’s photo, Biyanka expresses insecurity over her two consecutive bottom 2s, and editing cuts to Luly and Ashley talking shit about how much Biyanka sucks. They hate her. She’s a bitch. Her attitude sucks. Bloody Eyeball is unimpressed by this, for as you know, she was picked on in high school for her quaaludes-esque demeanor and thinks you should get to know someone before you hate them. In general, I agree with her, but some people suck and you can tell that just by looking at them. It is nice, however, to see one of the girls that I like taking the high road and not stanking it up with the rest of the crowd. Just sayin’.

Now seems like a good time to tell you that Erin’s albino-brows are totally gray and that Rae continues to win in the game of albino hotness. Also, prior to this episode, I’m pretty sure Erin never gave a single confessional. I feel like Erin’s elimination reason will be ‘you don’t stand out’.

Back to the Luly and Ashley Duo of Stankosity… Every time the setting switched, one of them was talking shit about Biyanka or Brittany, who apparently became the target of Stanky and Stankier for having piercing eyes. Bloody Eyeball said that Luly was Ashley’s sidekick, but I felt like she was the nastier of the two. She belonged in a Dr. Seuss book, ya know?

‘I will be stank inside a box. I will be stank, and don’t like cocks. I am stank, oh yes I am. AND YUM, I LOVE STANK EGGS AND HAM’.

In all seriousness, Luly fell victim to one of the classic blunders. All episode, she talked about how she was doing so much better than everyone else. During Miss J’s notteach, she was all ‘This is my signature walk and it’s going to make me famous’, even though she looked like a pony with Downs. Girl, you are NOT Camille. She told her bitch Ashley that Brittany did the worst at the photoshoot. Pretty much a bullseye to the bottom 2.

And even though Luly reached all new levels of gossiping bitch, it was over before we could even get used to the new stomping grounds of this cycle. She’s gone, which means we’re probably stuck with Ashley for a few more weeks, since she’s clearly the new house bitch.

OH AND DID I MENTION THAT ALL THIS CRAP STARTED BECAUSE OF SUNDAE?! CLEARLY THE ICE CREAM HAS SPOILED A BIT, BECAUSE SHE WAS STARTING SHIT… Biyanka explained that she missed Courtney, and Sundae was all ‘Oh, but she didn’t like you. She thought you had an attitude. Luly knew but she didn’t tell you’, which started the whole shitshow.

Moving on, lettuce discuss the runway notteach. Actually, let’s discuss this piece of work first:

What the effing crap?

Diva Davanna (No idea if this is her real name) was brought in to show that you can work a runway even at 4′1. She’s like 9, and she’s completely mastered the art of baby prostitution in her 5 years of modeling. Is anyone else freakishly reminded of ShaRaun from Cycle 11? Does anyone else think it’s hilarious that they brought a NINE YEAR OLD IN to show them that they weren’t utterly useless on a catwalk?

Basically, J did his typical broken record routine, telling the girls to give more energy, take longer strides, and to loosen up. Sounds sort of like sex coaching, to me. Betcha never wanted to think about Miss. J getting it on though, didja? The only notable part of the notteach was Laura saying that the frozen food aisle of the grocery store was her personal runway. Ohhhh, you.

At the runway show, there’s another awesome moment where Rae and Erin almost bump heads again and almost become albino siamese twinsies again, but alas, it is not to be. They are introduced to designer Kevan Hall, who reminds me of a super gay Snoop Dogg.

And then, all hell breaks loose on my television screen.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

KILL IT WITH FIRE. KILL IT WITH FIRE! AHHHHHHHHHH!

For those who have not been acquainted with the wench in the above photo, let me introduce her.

She is Ann SUCKett, editor in chief of Seventeen magazine. She is a pathetic, aging hipster with a huge eagle beak and no taste. She has participated in some of the worst eliminations in ANTM history, and she never says anything worth noting. It is your job, as a reader of Euphoria, to hate her as much as I do.

I screamed when I saw her. I literally yelled NOOOOOOOOOOO. That’s how much I despise this bitch.

The challenge? Walk next to normal sized models and don’t make an ass out of yourself. What they didn’t mention was that the normal sized models were just that… normal sized. Seriously, I think I saw stomach rolls on one of them. And on top of that, the big girls had to wear these hideous, unflattering potato sacks (Janice would not approve. If you’re wearing a potato sack, make it look like a 100,000 dollar potato sack, BITCH) while our petites got to dress in cute cocktail length dresses. Unfair playing field, I say indeed!

The entire thing was boring, since nobody fell and nobody even looked particularly bad. Laura, yet again, has the only good line when she says she’s worried about ‘looking like a midget’. Brittany won the challenge, and took Kara and Laura with her to the Seventeen spread prize win, and they got to model prom dresses.

Ugh, moving away from all things associated with SUCKett before I get hives. The photoshoot this week was pretty simple… Make interesting body shapes so you look taller. Easier said than done, right? The highlight here? Luly was all kinds of boring, prompting King Jay to start referring to everything she did as ‘ish’… as in, she was ‘decentish’. She finally got a decentish enough shotish and then Jay was like FINALLY, GUUUUURL, YOU GOT IT and he choked herish by wrapping his hands and shaking her. She was all MMMMMMMMM THAT’S WHAT I NEED and I was disturbingly informed about Luly’s sex life. Jay was all ‘Enough of this ish, we done here’.

In a very distantish second, Biyanka finally softened her face after confessing that Jesus warms her heart.

In panel, we were introduced to 5′6 supermodel Jaime Rishar, who gave perhaps the most constructive critiques since St. Clay Aiken, but because of this, made for a very uninteresting panel. At least SUCKett wasn’t there. PERHAPS THERE IS A GOD AFTER ALL. Tyra told them that they had to appear taller in photos so they would be hired for print work. Which is hilarious, seeing as how she has them wear flats to panel.

Each girl had to admit to their shortcomings (OH, I CRACK MYSELF UP) and then their photo was deemed ‘Yes, you look taller’ or ‘No bitch, you shortened yourself’. It seemed like the majority of the girls added as much height as they could while still being plausible. Like Kara? She was ‘5′6… and a half’. What editing didn’t show us was that she’s 5′6 and a half and a few centimeters and possibly a few millimeters too. GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT, KARA GUUUURL.

You’ll see the photos tomorrow, but believe me when I say that Nicole, Kara and Erin did the best. Jennifer, despite my dislike for her Forest Whitakerness, also had one of the stronger shots, and no apparently lazy-eyedness.

And now, the moment I’ve been waiting to talk about all recap. GUYS, TOP MODELS IN ACTION IS BACK. AND GUESS WHO STARTED IT OFF?!?!

Vogue Itahlia!

Tahlia has been making waves everywhere, literally. The full extent of her work can be found here, but believe us, she’s done print for such prestigous brands as First Response Pregnancy Tests and Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans! In addition, Tahlia has appeared in Pregnant Whores Volume VI. CONGRATULATIONS TAHLIA.

Uh, right. Actually, it was McKey, whose notable achievements include stomping in a runway show that was actually a prize for winning a challenge in Amsterdam and uh… not much else. Which kills me, seeing as how McKey is flawless and should be working like mad.

Back to panel… Kara gets the first call out, followed by Nicole, Erin (a worthy top 3! Who’d have thunk?!), Sundae, Jennifer, Biyanka, Laura, Ashley and Rae. The bottom 2 is Luly and her prime target all episode, Brittany. Seeing as how Ashley is totally able to cover the HBIC duties, Luly stank ass is sent packing. I’m hoping Ashley really rises to the task, hopefully reverting to calling Jennifer a lazy eyed psycho or perhaps referring to Rae and Erin as skank ass albino bitches.

The entire elimination felt very… spliced together? Like, as if Tyra forgot to narrate it and they had to film it at a completely different date? Or maybe I’m just sleepy. And to add insult to injury, Luly dropped the stankosity the second she was eliminated and didn’t give a bitchy exit speech. She was all teary and ‘this has opened doors for me’.

All I can say to that is BAI BITCH.

And with that, another boring episode has come to a close. Check back tomorrow for the photos.

As always, Rich, host of fourfour.typepad.com (Seriously, visit it) took a screenshot of Erin and Rae, the conjoined albino twins.

Let me share it with you:

LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE.

Also, I totally forgot to make the quippy comment about Biyanka being less Dennis Rodman and more RuPaul in this week’s photo. Perhaps she will eventually reach the level of awesomeness of… Naomi! You thought I was going to say Tyra, didn’t you? Bitch, please. Although, hopefully Biyanka doesn’t last long enough to eventually become Naomi. That means we’re stuck looking at her yucky photos for a few more weeks.

Okay, carry on with your everyday lives.

Okay, so I apologize sincerely for the delay in this post. First, I tried to post it and for some reason, it only saved up to Luly’s picture. Then, I had major computer trouble. Finally, although I’m sure you’ve all seen the shots already, I have them for you. Sorry about the technical difficulties. This week was NOT my week.

So, let’s just get down to business. I don’t really care what the judges said about the pictures, because let’s face it, they’re stupid. But for the most part, they did okay with their call out this week, save for the elimination and their placement of Forest Whitaker. I don’t give a fuck about whether the girls were smizing because that was pretty much the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of, so these are ranked  on how good they are, not how much they squinted.

Best shot of the week, although there were like five that were great is–

Laura-

Look at this girl’s face… She’s like a doll, she’s that beautiful. I have to agree with Tyra (UGH, GOD, WHAT?! *SLAPS SELF*) in that the kicky, vampy vibe to this picture is what really makes it hot. I love the cocked shoulder and the attitude in the right hand… So unlike country bumpkin Laura. It’s a hot picture.

Brittany-

This is another seductive, gorgeous picture. I love how rich and dark her hair is… it’s the first time that I’ve really looked at Brittany and gotten her appeal, to be honest. And that body pose? TO DIEEEE FOR. LC actually said something intelligent when she said that Brittany looks photoshopped onto the horse.

Erin-

This was a really tough call, because I really do think this shot is gorgeous… Her face, all pissed off and angry, looks incredible. Even the albino-ness is working in this picture. I love the way the corners of her mouth are downturned. The arms are a little twisty, but that is offset by the way her candy floss hair blends in with the mane on the horse. Deeeelicious.

Nicole-

There are so many extraordinary things about this picture… Her hair, like Erin’s, is blending in with the horse’s mane but it’s RED!!! <3 Her face is stunning. She definitely doesn’t look short at all…. In fact, she’s looking stunning. But! I think the melancholy expression isn’t the best approach to the brief, and so that’s really the only reason it’s ranked fourth.

Kara-

I’m happy that Kara was able to tone down the hardness of her face and look this soft for this shot. She looks extremely sexy… Her body is so kickin’…  Look at her silky legs! Meow!

Luly-

This is, without a doubt, the prettiest Luly has looked all competition. I think she’s looking extremely flirtatious and cute in this picture… I love the primness of her folded hands mixed with the slouchy poster… It’s very quirky.

Rae-

I love how badass this picture is… Rae’s body pose is AMAZING… And her face is strong… which is perhaps the one flaw in the picture… Her eyes look a little crazed. It’s quirky and weird, which I dig, but it’s a little much. Big eyes are fierce if you’re Allison Harvard or Rachel– =( but not when you’re Anya or Rae.

Courtney-

Biiiiiitch pleeeeease? This isn’t even close to the worst shot of the week. Now seems like a good time to say that I was wrong about her possessing no edge… She looks very sensual and sexy here. There is a general blandness about the shot compared to the ones above, but bad? Not remotely.

Sundae-

Okay, so rest assured…. this shot of Sundae is far from great. The face is actually pretty stupid… She’s doing this weird, pursed expression and her eyes are doing a little Jennifer wonkyness. But! I love her body! Seriously, I don’t care that she’s pint-sized. She’s looking absolutely adorable, body wise, in this shot. I really want to LOVE her pictures though, because she’s sooo cute and infectious. But thus far, she has yet to deliver.

Ashley-

This picture is basically the opposite of Sundae’s, for me. Her face is pretty– again, I see Coryn only softer, but the body is just… blah. She’s basically just standing there, chilling. Not so exciting.

Forest Whitaker-

WONKY EYE WONKY EYE WONKY EYE!!!! Hahahahahah WONKYYYY! Seriously, the pose is just lacking intensity… she’s half-heartedly grasping the rope, and then that closeup… Eeeek. I’m sorry… okay, no I’m not sorry, but that eye is just a distraction and a half.

But Forest’s shot is NOTHING compared to the shitshow that is… Biyanka-

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. GROOOOOOSSSSS. Granted, the shot was probably always going to suck because Tyra has this notion that blonde looks great on a black woman, but JESUS… She looks like she was just served hot dung or something… OY. It’s really just a horrible, horrible picture. Even the body is unsaved by silky skin because she looks uncomfortable. sorry Biyanka. You failed miserably here.

Scores so far-

Laura (2)- 3/1

Nicole (2.5)- 1/4

Rachel- 4

Rae (4.5)- 2/7

Erin (5.5)- 8/3

Kara (5.5)- 6/5

Brittany (5.5)- 9/2

Courtney (6.5)- 5/8

Luly (6.5)- 7/6

Lisa- 10

Jennifer (11)- 11/11

Ashley (11)- 12/10

Sundae (11.5)- 14/9

Biyanka (12.5)- 13/12

Congrats on getting the title GIF yet again, my big eyed friend.

NO CHARISMA, MY ASS. Seriously, eliminating Rachel outside of panel because she CAN’T SING A MUSICAL THEATER TUNE ON THE SPOT has to be one of the worst eliminations in the history of this shitshow. And trust me, there are plenty of ‘em. But this just takes the cake. First of all, she didn’t say she was Idina Menzel. She just said she does musical theater. MAYBE SHE’S IN THE CHORUS. MAYBE SHE DOES STAGE CREW. Either way, it’s ridiculous for a MODELING agent to ask a girl to sing a song and expect them to just open their mouth and be Susan Boyle.

Now, about the title of this entry? Right in the middle of the photoshoot, we have a damn fire drill. How do I know it’s a drill? Because I saw another dorm getting the spiel about an hour prior. DOES THIS SCHOOL KNOW NOTHING?!?! IT’S WEDNESDAY NIGHT, FOLKS. DO A FIRE DRILL ANOTHER NIGHT. Because of this, I missed the beginning of panel and therefore, you will be subjected to my made-up details.

Tyra: Hello short asses! You’re all looking so fierce in your flats today! But not as fierce as me! Several people have mentioned how svelte I am looking… You know about our prizes… You will receive a contract with Wilhelmina Models, the agency responsible for inexplicably kicking Rachel out earlier… A cover and 6 page spread in the quintessential fashion rag, Seventeen… and a 100,000 contract with Covergirl, which sounds legit but involves one picture that is shown nowhere! Work it out! And of course, you know the judges… The noted and pervy master of pancake makeup himself, Mr. Nigel Barker. Luly, you became acquainted with Nigel’s massive ego, which compensates for his lack of genitalia, earlier in the episode when you were asked who your favorite photographer was and you DIDN’T say his hiney-ness. There’s Miss. J, who is on payroll and nobody is sure why… and our special guest judge this week knows about as much about fashion as a piece of plastic, which coincidentally, she herself resembles… Please welcome, Miss. Junior Famous for Doing Nothing… Lauren ‘LC’ Conrad!

My contributions to society include talking like a moron and crabs!

LC- Uh, heyy. Modeling? Fierce. Hay gurl?

Tyra- Perfect. You fit right in.

That’s accurate, right?

We’ll start with the inoffensive and work our way up to the unbearable parts of the episode… As with last week’s recap, I won’t go through every single tiny detail because I read some of my recaps from last cycle, and they were way too bloated.

First things first… Let’s address the ‘new’ theme song. It’s actually the same theme ‘You wanna be on top’ and then excessive dirty pillows from Tyra, but there’s some added text about Tyra being a pioneer and then everyone’s height is listed along with their name. It’s… fine, I guess. If not a little lazy.

Okay… now that we’ve gotten that out of the way… It’s time to make fun of Jennifer and her kooky eye. Much of her screen time was spent explaining that she has some condition that stretches the muscle in her eye, causing the wonky effect.

Gah, get Jennifer away from me!

Jennifer’s two contributions to ANTM are 1) her Asianness and 2) her lazy eye. Seriously, she’s not even interesting when she’s being stanky. At some point in the episode, Biyanka put some dirty dishes into a clean load of dishes… Rather than a lot of GIRL, YOU STANK HO WHATCHU DOIN THAT IS DIRTY, Jennifer just started ‘pfft’ing and rolling her eyes. At the fight’s climax, she retorted ‘I don’t have a problem with the dishes… I have a problem with YOU’. Ooh, damn Idi Amin. Thems fighting words. Like, really? Isn’t this cycle 13? You gotta do better than that. Now, don’t get me wrong… Biyanka is seriously stank… I called her suckage from day 1 (look back a few posts!), but at least she was all ‘Jennifer is all mad about the dishes… SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM’. Indeed, just like your apparent gum disease, ‘Yanka:

Oooh jaysus.

I mean, don’t get me wrong… Biyanka is all kinds of stank, but at least she knows that fighting on ANTM is more than just blowing raspberries. Which leads me back to my original glee over Jennifer’s wonky eye being brought up both at the Wilhelmina agency– In fact, that buttplug dude even said that she couldn’t ‘work and squint all the time’, hahahaha and also at panel– Tyra, of course, was all ‘Just ask the makeup artists to hide it’… And then poof, goodbye story line! Gawd Tyra, didn’t Tahlia’s incessant whining teach you anything?!

I can’t wait to get a screenshot of this, and there’s no other place to mention it, but after Rachel’s elimination at Wilhelmina, Erin and Rae were leaning against each other and they looked like some bizarre two headed albino thing. Two heads, zero eyebrows. FIERCE.

The photoshoot- The girls had to pose nude next to/on top of a horse while ’smizing’ (more about that later). They all were adorned in epic, huge extensions that covered their girly bits (or in Biyanka’s case, her schlong)… Laura, who is easily the most watchable person in the house, said that she ‘just loved nudity’ while gyrating all over a horse. GIRL, WORK. But ultimately, the quote of the episode relating to the photoshoot came from Miss. J about Biyanka’s photo– ‘Biyanka looks less feminine than Isis did in Cycle 11′.

For those of you who aren’t well versed in Cycle 11… Isis was a pre-op transgender. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

OH, EXCUSE ME. I’M STILL PISSING MY PANTS AT THIS.

But in all seriousness, they clearly put a stick up Biyanka’s ass before this photoshoot and then stuck a long, tranny, blonde wig on her royal baldness. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU, TY TY?! BLONDE AND COCOA DO NOT MIX. It really was a shitshow. When the pictures come out tomorrow, I will have great fun ragging on it. It’s a horrible picture.

Okay, it's not THAT bad... but I didn't know what else to put.

So, was her royal stankosity eliminated? PUH-LEEZE. House bitch doesn’t bite the dust this early! Instead, Biyanka survived her second consecutive bottom 2 (a feat managed by a handful of people, but the only person to get bottom 2 in the first two panels and survive is CNTM 2’s Steff) and Courtney, the cheerleader with the busted foot, was booted for ‘giving up’? Legit? I’ll give you my take…

Basically, Courtney was pissed because she had to wear the stupid constrictive boot thingie on her foot while doing the photoshoot. She felt limited in her ability to pose, and essentially gave up. Previous cycles would show that giving up= massive no-no. Moral of this story? Don’t be a cheerleader, and then you won’t bust your foot while tumbling. Even smarter, perhaps? Don’t go on this show and give up on things that are more important.

Moving our way up the totem pole on our trip towards grotesque… Let’s pause briefly at the odd, cancer chic motif that keeps occuring during the confessionals. Fourfour’s Rich brought it up in his recap of last week, but it’s very much alive and well… Why? Is this some sort of bizarre fashion trend among short people? I myself am 5′5 and don’t even own a bandana. I must be missing out on a major thing here. Observe-

Shit, Rae. When I first saw that picture, I actually felt kind of bad for her until I realized that SHE DOESN’T HAVE CANCER. WHAT THE FUCK.

Now, we’ve reached a part of the recap that makes me extraordinarily happy… It’s called ‘Let’s rag on Nigel Barker’

Nigel met the girls at Wilhelmina for their impromptu go-see that led to the downfall of Rachel… Any extra Nigel time is bittersweet, as it provides me with the opportunity to rag on him, but at the same time… I’m forced to look at his douchey face. His most notable moment of douche was mentioned earlier in my makeshift introduction of the judges… Yes, our dear Nigel was offended when Luly didn’t cite him as her favorite fashion photographer (for the record, she didn’t name ANYONE… She was just like ‘Duhhh’)… Yes Nigel, your career is just SO illustrious. Your last job? Teaching some ANTM how to hold glow in the dark dildos.

You could tell that Nigel was hard when he got to do the Tyra-esque ‘The girl who is eliminated must bag their bags and go home’ line when the elimination was announced. He’s been sitting next to Tyra for like, 9 or 10 cycles now? And he’s just now getting to say that? I bet the room smelled horrible… He was probably sweating and farting up a storm, all worried he’d mess up his big moment. Back behind the desk, Nigel.

By the way guys… Did you know that Tyra went to six agencies in LA before she was signed? AND SHE’S 5′10. YOU AREN’T.

And now, we’ve reached the top of the mountain… the essential moment of tonight’s episode… The smize.

Remember last week how I said the show seemed far more legit and less ridiculous? I take it all back. ANTM reached a new low this week with Super Smize.

The girls were greeted by a weird, short little fellow who started barking at them to get in front of his camera and get a good picture in one take. Laura yet again steals the show by saying that ‘this petite man is SO rude!’ Then, Tyra, barely recognizable (naht) in thick glasses and a trenchcoat, bumbles in and tries to satisfy this man’s impossible task. After barking at Nottyra for sucking, he mocks her and the ‘itty bitty models’ behind him, referencing Munchkinland.

What ensues is best described as mix between Cycle 4’s infamous WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HOW DARE YOU STOP IT TIFFANY I HAVE NEVER YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE and Hurricane Katrina. Tyra busts out of the coat and the glasses and is adorned in a glittery cape… She stomps her feet and the entire screen shakes. She starts talking about the power of super smize, and the little petite man cowers and runs away. Presumably to go kill himself.

Smizing is Tyra’s new term for ’smiling with your eyes’. Luly is all orgasmic over the things Tyra can do with her eyes. Tyra tells them to think about something delicious to envoke smizing. Tyra, of course, thinks of ribs. And not the new fat free kind.

Highlights include Jennifer ‘Forest Whitaker’ McLazyEye not even being able to open her eyes properly, let alone be able to smize. Sundae says she’s thinking about noodles, and it becomes clear that she means 15 cent Ramen as soon as Tyra asks her what flavor and she says ‘Beef!’. If anyone else was trying to smize to beef noodles, I’d be grossed out, but Sundae is so damn cute that I let it slide. Courtney is thinking of pepperoni pizza, and makes a pointed, unimpressed face at Tyra when Tyra is all ‘Girl, you can’t smize’.

In a bizarre turn of events, the girls are suddenly outfitted in bodysuits that cover their whole body except their eyes and they have a ’smize off’ that results in Courtney ousting Erin, Luly beating Rae, Laura beating Sundae, Kara beating Bloody Eyeball, Brittany beating Ashley and Biyanka beating Idi Amin. The winners get to nosh with Wilhelmina Douche and the losers have to wash dishes.

In case you were wondering, Kara, Ashley, Brittany and Nicole literally do nothing in this episode.

OH… AND OF COURSE… I CAN’T BELIEVE I ALMOST FORGOT TO MENTION THIS… Upon ‘reaching the decision’, Tyra pretty much crawled onto Nigel’s erection and started smizing. Homeboy PULLS OUT A DIGITAL CAMERA and starts snapping pictures of Tyra smizing her cooter off all over him. It was so uncomfortable for me… I felt like I was watching two people who’d had sex like three years ago and STILL don’t really know how to act around each other. IT WAS SO AWFUL.

And honestly… that was about it. It was seriously bland. A huge letdown after a promising premiere. I honestly feel like this is my worst blog ever, but I think I did okay when you consider the boring material I was given. Granted, the whole smize thing made me want to assassinate a bunch of people, but the rest of the episode was just made of yawn.

The upside? Most of the photos from the horse shoot, like I said, weren’t bad. The judging, of course, was hilariously inconsistent. I’ll touch upon that tomorrow when I rank the photos. Yes, this is my shameless attempt to make everyone check back tomorrow. DEAL WITH IT.

Thanks for reading, lovely fans! Hopefully the next episode is less retarded.

You’ve been warned… The following content is not safe for parents or for work. It’s… boobies.

Okay, I warned you. So, we all recall Cycle 12’s London Levi, affectionately referred to as Liverpool by me, correct?

Ah, the yester years!

In case you can’t read lips… Liverpool was a ’street. preacher’ and she went out on the weekends, or the weekdays ‘if she wasn’t busy’ and told people about Jesus Christ. She was eliminated, although they didn’t actually say this, for gaining too much weight on the show.

WELL LOOKIT MISS. LIVERPOOL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa, child! Does God know that you’re posing for Playboy? YES, PLAYBOY. Guess she lost that excess weight… if that first picture is any indication… she put it on in all the right places.

Farewell, sweet street preacher! Hello Liverpool the Vixen!

(Told you she had huge eyes!)

So, the photos have been released on the CW’s website, which basically makes them fair game for me to rank. They’ll be posted in order of preference, with witty commentary by me. Also, I’ll post the makeovers directly following the pictures from the photoshoot. The brief was decidedly ambiguous- They had to modernize a baby picture of themselves. Sweet. It’s worth noting that Jennifer, the token Asian, got third call out. Why is this note worthy? Cycle 11 and 12 winners McKey and Teyona were called third at the first photoshoot. Just sayin’

All bias aside, the best photo of the week belongs to-

NICOLE! HELLO GORGEOUS! Seriously, look at that pose. She’s all broken down like a rag doll… I love the placement of her hands… I agree with Tyra (don’t expect me to ever say that again)– if she’d done a LITTLE more with her face, the picture would have been even better, but it’s still seriously hot. Work it, by redheaded muse. You are divine.

Next, the bitch that got the FCO, and honestly, I’m okay with it-

Rae-

First of all, look at her shoes. She’s wearing EIGHT INCH HEELS. I think Rae is like 5′5, which puts her at a staggering 6′1, which uh, is a bit overkill, no? Also, Rae looks exactly like Anya in closeup, and Anya is the best contestant ever, so this is a good thing. I’d even go so far as to say that Rae rocks the no eyebrow thing, which is NOT easy. Just ask the Givenchy girls. Seriously, Adriana Lima can’t pull off being eyebrowless. I love how ethereal this picture is. I do not love that Chanel Iman was like ‘Girl. Awesome. Girl. Wow. Girl.’

Laura-

I think the face absolutely rocks in this picture. In her baby photo, she was hugging her sister and she had her eyes squeezed shut. To modernize it, she’s carrying the baby doll like a purse, but her face is so soft and motherly and sweet… I LOVE it. Ties the whole thing together. Not nearly as editorial as the two above her, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s conveying an emotion, and it works.

Rachel-

You can tell that homegirl is itty bitty in this picture. It’s sort of endearing… She’s rocking the busted up pose and she’s looking elegant, and then… she’s little. It’s so quirky… Almost like something I could see from supermodel Siri Tollerod. My ANTM forum friends are going to hate me for associating Siri with shorties, but suck it, I do what I want =D

Courtney-

Okay, so I’m not nuts about her big man arm either, but her FAAAACE! Hello lovely! It’s nice to see you! I might be giving Courtney too much credit for a dress here, but daaayum, that thing looks amazing on her! It’s so gorgeously draped over her body… I love it.

Kara-

First of all, Nigel Barker can die in a fire. Ahhh, it feels nice to say that. It’s odd to be jumping to the defense of a contestant who did nothing other than talk about organic sheep, but you know what? I like Kara. I love that her face is bizarre. And damn, she has one stunning profile! Nigel is all OH BOO HOO, YOU CAN’T DO STRAIGHT ON… Well Nigel, guess what, buttface? You can’t do ANYTHING without six inches of pancake makeup.

Hi, I'm Nigel. I suck at life.

So yes, I like this shot. Like I said, she’s Lisa D’Amato without the need for Intervention.

Luly-

So, at first, I had Luly down a few spots. I really dislike her… First her head looked photoshopped on and then I saw her stank ass tattoo, and I was just like Giiirl, why ya gotta be the token lesbian? But you know what? This shot is sort of cute, in a boring, pedophile wank material sort of way. She doesn’t look stubby, which is cool, and she’s wearing the sort of odd wardrobe pretty well, actually. I think her eyes look a little beady, but I’m going to blame Tyra and her need for weave over that.

Erin-

This picture is sort of boring, and Erin didn’t really do anything except sit there and look like an albino in a ruffly shirt, but at least it’s interesting to look at. The rest of the shots, from here on out, will warrant some sort of nasty, bitch commentary from me for being either A) ugly or B) hilarious. Or both. I love both.

Brittany-

This is the shoot that was pornographic about 2/3 of the time. Take one look at the prop in Brittany’s right hand and figure out why. Okay, so I said that Erin’s picture was the last one that wasn’t ugly or hilarious. I lied. This one isn’t ugly or hilarious, but it’s boring. I would have liked to see one where she was fellating the pixy stick, personally. Or, even better! I wish she had dumped the powder all over her nose, like crack and was staring, all strung out, at the camera. That’d be modern! Kate Moss would LOVE IT. AWWW SHAAAAAZAAAM.

Lisa-

The legs are downright gaw-juss, but the expression really holds this picture back. It’s not even CLOSE to worst of the week though, although I don’t consider Lisa’s elimination to be a big loss. Maybe I’m just too obssessed with legit editorial, but when I think clown, I think chance to be fun and carefree, not pissed off. Must say though… Her baby picture was just too cute for words.

Jennifer-

Um, ew? Are people seriously blowing their load over this one? UM, EW?! Seriously, she looks like she’s got perpetual open mouth syndrome and can’t take a deep breath. Also, I don’t care how nice your damn jawline is… I see too much of it. Her left hand looks stupid. Seriously, being Asian is not synonymous with awesome. And don’t even get me going on her lazy eye.

Ashley-

Longshot? Super nice. She doesn’t look stumpy, although she may want to check her thighs out in the mirrah a bit. CLOSEUP? WHAT THE FUCK, CHILD?! YOUR EYES ARE OPEN! AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING?! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!! I DONT SLEEP WITH MY EYES OPEN. DOES ANYONE ELSE? WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!

Biyanka- (Yeah, you know what? That’s her name)

GURL, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? YOU ARE *NOT* MARJORIE. NUH UH. HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME WAS OWNED AND RETIRED IN CYCLE 11 BY THE GODDESS OF AWESOME, MISS. MARJORIE CONRAD. Also, doesn’t she look less like Nnenner and a bit more like Ebony Haith and a big scary man’s offspring? For serious, this is just not working for me. BACK TO THE HUNCHBACK FAIL… YOU ARE NOT TALL ENOUGH TO HUNCH. YOU ARE LITERALLY COMPRESSING YOURSELF. UGH, I AM SO PISSED AT THIS PICTURE.

Sundae-

Ugh, you don’t understand how badly I want to love this little peanut. She is so cute, and in the close up, I am briefly reminded of Fatima. This is very good news for our little scoop of ice cream. UNFORTUNATELY, this whole thing screams bad MySpace photo. Her hands are like these really unfortunate, lifeless mitts and the lips are just way too ‘I’m sexy, I am!’. Doesn’t work. Another good thing– She doesn’t look 5′3 in this picture. Really, I have no complaints about her pint-sizedness.

Okay, so unless you’re stupid, you see what my call out scores are thus far. We move on to a quick recap of the makeovers, in alphabetical order, since none of them were particularly disgusting.

Ashley-

Upgrade. Everyone, especially Tyra, loves a Naomi weave.

Biyanka-

Downgrade. Her eyebrows looked fine before. I don’t care if Givenchy is doing it… At 5′whateversheis, she’s not going to be in Givenchy.

Brittany-

Upgrade. The brown makes her infinitely more interesting, and apparently sluttier.

Courtney-

Neither upgrade nor downgrade. She looked fine before, but this new thing is pretty cute, in a Kim Stoltz lesbian way!

Erin-

Massive downgrade. This is one of two makeovers that just doesn’t work for me. Sure, she’s a little ordinary in the before shot, but at least she looks like she has pigment. Also, sorry Erin, but Givenchy is not in your future. Your eyebrows miss you.

Jennifer-

Don’t care. Can’t stand her.

Kara-

Upgrade, I guess. It’s certainly bigger, and it doesn’t look WORSE. Does she remind anyone else of Kimmy from Full House? Hot damn, I just noticed it and it won’t go away now.

Laura-

Teeheehee, she is SO cute. I’d say it’s neither an upgrade or a downgrade… It’s just bigger.

Lisa-

Hot damn, these makeovers are boring. I’ll say upgrade simply because she looks a bit more polished in the after shot, although that rope-kini (what the hell is up with those things anyway?) is struggling to contain her rack.

Luly-

Upgrade, by default. No photoshopped head for Luly anymore. See what I mean about Brandy, though? You totally see it, right? Also, look at her nasty tattoo in the before picture. Anyway, I like her makeover, though I don’t know if I get the orgasm over her eyes. She and Jennifer could be lazy buddies, if you catch my drift, if I’m being honest.

Nicole-

Everything she does is perfect, go die if you disagree. But seriously, UPGRADE. REDDER AND FLUFFIER?! WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?!

Rachel-

Loooooooooooove! Seriously, I just think the darker brown is LUSH on this one. And I am totally crazy about her lemur eyes.

Rae-

Shockingingly enough, upgrade! She really works the no eyebrows look! And maybe, with some 8 inch heels, she can do Givenchy! I think the candy floss blonde really works on her.

Sundae-

Sadly, a downgrade. This wasn’t her week, unfortunately. I’m basically just seeing uber ghetto, and I thought her weave, despite being ratty, looked cute on her. The Rihanna look doesn’t work on someone so damn little.

Uh, so before you leave me, I decided to bring up some things I totally forgot to mention last night-

-Tyra’s ‘Rules To Owning Your Inner Fierceness’ appear to be on hiatus. Thank god for that.

-All the girls were wearing flats at panel last night. Now, in a normal cycle, this is grounds for elimination. But, I s’pose they’re meant to be owning their inner shortness. Even more hilariously, Tyra’s little perch at panel seemed even higher than usual, so when the hamsters received their photos, they were like a foot below her. Guys, Tyra isn’t giving you a chance to model. She’s mocking you.

-The panel is out on Nicole. Some people think she’s ridiculous and needs some uppers… Some people love her. Unfortunately, I think the emo population of America will identify with her, which sucks, because she’s not RELATABLE… she’s just awesome. I read something awesome about her on TWOP today– She’s essentially America’s shorter answer to Australia’s Next Top Model Cycle 3 Winner Alice Burdeu, who has achieved actual success after her win. People are constantly bringing up Alice– wondering if she would have won on ANTM because she had little to no personality. Will we see the same thing happen to Nicole, who is almost ridiculously high fashion compared to the rest of the girls and plausible in the modeling world at 5′7? Time will tell.

Before I get ahead of myself, let’s just say that I consider the loss of Amber to be a major one. Homegirl was even more over the top than Tyra. Perhaps that was the problem. See, folks, this premiere episode of ANTM was… relatively normal.

I KNO, RITE?! (Thank you, as always, to Rich for being so damn fucking amazing)

So, for those of you who didn’t get a chance to meet Amber-

The quality of the screenshot sucks, but it tells you all you need to know… She’s wearing a hat that resembles Big Edie Beale and she was modeling for Jesus. She rapped and danced with the homeless on Friday nights. She. was. insane. And we can’t even blame Tyra for not being blessed with more Amber (well, maybe we can, but the jury isn’t out yet) because I suspect she failed the psych screening they give each girl before thrusting them into a house without much sleep. More on Amber later… Right now, let me just take this time to say WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BAAAAAAAAACK. It feels like absolutely no time has passed since the Reptilian Queen was crowned America’s Next Top Unemployed Bitch. I mean, the promo shots came out and I was like ‘Shit, midgets? Already?’

So, I’ve decided to retire the not so flattering term ‘midget’. Wait, WHAT?! AM I GOING SOFT?! No, but the thing is, these girls are actually pretty. There are no Tahlias in site… Every single one of these girls is at least plausible as a model, save for their shortness. So, they’re all at an equal disadvantage, since A) They’re on ANTM and B) they’re all short. So, we’ll move on from their vertical challenges and address their other issues every week. In grave detail.

I’ve decided to condense the recap style a tiny bit this cycle just because I was staying up until 3:30 am painstakingly recapping each detail, and most of it didn’t work out of context anyway. Don’t worry, you won’t miss much.

Now, since I can barely contain my love for her, let’s get to Nicole:

I’m pretty confident that despite her generally stoned demeanor (hey, I know what junkies act like, okay?!?) and the fact that she uh, carries a rusty wheelbarrow to school, she is going to remain the absolute star of this competition in my heart.  Seriously, she’s like a combination of Cintia Dicker and Alice Burdeu, she’s a natural redhead, and she wears a necklace with an eyeball charm on it, to remind her of her bloody eyeball. I mentioned this in my pre-show thoughts– Is anyone else reminded of Creepychan? Or Marjorie? Or Lauren? Perhaps Autistic Heather? Seriously, the weirdos are always amazing! These girls better watch the fuck out. And really, she’s about 500000x more beautiful than this picture reflects. When the weird-pedophile-esque-but-still-kinda-awesome photos from the episode come out tomorrow, you’ll see. I have never been so right about the awesomeness of a contestant.

OH AND GUESS WHAT?! SHE’S 5′7. HUZZZZZZZZZZZZAH. Tallest one in the bunch, mmmmhmmm!

My Nicolgasm is almost over, I swear. It’s very important to note that the picture of heterosexuality, Miss. J Alexander himself, said that she was both expensive (EXPINSIVE! stolen from Petra Starke, the hottest Austrayan on the planet:)

and EXQURZHIT. That’s his made up cum gobbling word for exquisite. It is ALWAYS a compliment. Nicole got a big, fluffy lions mane of fiery red hair for her makeover. Delicious.

Moving on, let’s talk about the overrated annoyance of the cycle. She is the pesky fly on the CW screen. I don’t think she uttered one inteligible word the entire time she spoke.

YEAH, AND TAKE YOUR LAZY EYE WITH YOU, YOU ANNOYING ASIAN. She makes me long for Gina, because at least Gina was funny. And where there was Gina, there was Jade. She got her split ends cut off. Yawn.

Like I said, I’m not going to go through the entire two hours, because frankly, there really wasn’t enough entertaining stuff to keep either of us awake. After hearing the 409585th quote about how Tyra is so generous to give short girls a chance to model, you’ll want to castrate a cow. SPEAKING OF WHICH, HERE’S LAURA!

Sorry, I can’t find a picture of her that isn’t the promo shot that everyone’s seen of her, so I figured a cow was a good bet. Laura, is quite adorable. She castrates cows for a living, and when she described ‘cutting their sack’, I wasn’t repulsed. On the contrary– I find pretty much everything she does to be cute. She can stay. At least for now. Laura got what Tyra called some ‘highlightnessness’ which is uh, a fancy word for highlights?

Allison ‘Creepychan’ Harvard, a lemur-type thing and Rachel all have something in common. If you don’t guess right away, you’re a retard. Rachel got dark brown hair for a makeover, and it looked great. Ugh, WHAT THE FUCK. Now is the perfect time to say WHERE IS THE DENNIS RODMAN SCALP, TYRA?! WHERE ARE THE CHOCOLATE RAMEN WEAVES?! it’s almost like she sat down and decided ‘Hey, we won’t make this cycle a joke because people are expecting it to suck’. With the economy being so bad, I’m going to be out of a job if this shit doesn’t get absurd quickly.

If, for some reason, you missed Cycle 6’s Nnenna, fear not! She returns in condensed form!

That shot pretty much sums up Bianca in a nutshell- Major stankosity. She’s a Harvard girl who shaved her head after an abusive relationship but shiiiit- Homegirl complained about EVERYTHING– First, she didn’t like having her eyebrows bleached (that was her entire makeover). Fair enough. I mean, we know what Tyra can do with bleach. Then, she didn’t like the makeup she had to wear in her picture. Child, this is the THIRTEENTH CYCLE. You should know by now that complaining= kiss. of. death. Anyway, the most important thing about Bianca is that she makes me miss Twiggy… Remember how she called the original Bianca ‘Biyanka’? Oh Twiglegs. I hope you’re well.

Next, we have Luly, who will be indeed continue to be called Luly because I typed that every single time I wrote her name down while I took notes.

Luly, who was previously compared to Chanel Iman (who coincidentally, was the guest judge and she seemed like a mega-bitch), looks more like Brandy, especially after her makeover, which consisted of major weavage and bangs-

When the makeover pictures are released, it’ll be easier to see what I mean.

There is literally nothing to say about Ashley except that she reminds me of a softer Coryn-

And that she was spotted in the audience of The Tyra Banks show by Tyra’s hairdresser Oscar. In totally related news, Ashley looked like Tyra in her photo. Leave it to Tyra to spot a girl at her own show that resembles her. Fucking kill me now. Also, Ashley got the ever popular Naomi Campbell weave that we most recently saw on Aminat but probably remember best on Tiffany. We can only hope that Tyra freaks out on Ashley like she did nine long ass cycles ago.

Lastly-

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is a ball of energy, and at 5′3, by far the shortest mid- erm, contestant, it’s a good thing too. Because she doesn’t have much else going for her. She had a rough life… Abusive mom, foster care, the whole she-bang, but damn, her energy was infectious. She will be referred to as Sundae, not Sunday, because she is just so sweet. Her ‘weave that looks like 10 of Tyra’s old weaves’ (You think I’m making this shit up? I don’t do nearly enough drugs for that) was discarded in place of a Rihanna style crop.

And honestly? The rest of the girls are pretty damn boring and didn’t do enough to warrant photo comparisons. I’ll just give you the lowdown on them uh… quickly-

Rae- She’s stunning. I was wrong about her– She’s beautiful and her makeover (described below) is great. She was abducted and raped, and she has a 20 month old baby. So, she’s pretty much the sob story of the cycle, but unlike ewtahlia, she’s actually photogenic. She got the pissed on blonde looked, complete with invisible eyebrows and…. she works it. It takes one hell of a hamster to rock invisible eyebrows.

Kara- I… love her. Most people, including my boyfriend, are going to be like WTF IS UP WITH HER FACE?! but I absolutely dig the weirdness of her bone structure. I see Lisa D’Amato, without the alcoholism. And although I predicted stank bitch, I may have spoken too soon. She gets some beachy highlights that lighten her up a bit.

Brittany- She’s a math nerd and knows all the planes of her face. Yeah, that’s not weird or anything. She’s extremely boring and her photoshoot was hilariously porn like. WARNING BRITTANY– BRITTANYS THAT ACT LIKE PORNSTARS WILL BE TOLD TO CHANNEL THEIR ENERGY AND THEN WILL BE ELIMINATED FOR HAVING NO PERSONALITY. DON’T SAY I DIDN’T TRY AND FILL YOU IN, HOMEGIRL. Also, her candy floss blonde is replaced with dark brown. It’s sexy.

Erin- She sounds like Nicole Linkletter, and is completely boring. She gets pissed on blonde and looks albino.

Courtney- She’s actually pretty adorable. Her notable contributions to the cycle were A) saying that Nicole acted dumb but wasn’t: minus 3 for you, stubby and B) walking down the runway with crutches: plus 2 for actually getting PRAISED FOR IT. Also, her makeover was fierce… She got a spiky, Kim Stolz-ish red crop. Major improvement.

Lisa- Honestly, this poor girl. They showed her strong, threaded brow line for like 2 seconds, then didn’t cast her, then brought her back to replace Amber, and then eliminated her. Why don’t you just stick a dunce cap on her while you’re at it? I don’t consider her elimination to be much of a loss though, to be honest. She got her split ends chopped off as a makeover, so clearly Tyra didn’t care much either.

And now, for something completely different-

Each girl has a different reaction upon finding out that they’re going to be a part of the top 14. I expect that the noises they make while orgasming are pretty similar. So, feast your eyes on this handy dandy list I made, and next time you look at these girls, you know what they cum like-

Jennifer- OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Erin- FUCK YES! (I kid you not… It was by far her best moment all episode)

Rachel- Oh my god, that’s my name! That is SO me!

Kara- OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD OKAYYYYYYYYY YESSSS

Luly- YAYAYAYAYYA (Also, did I mention that she has her girlfriend’s name tattooed on her chest? Fucking weak, dude)

Rae- OH MY GOD!

Ashley- OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWSH! I think I’m going to pass out!

Bianca- *Tribal dance*

Courtney- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Nicole- *Blank stare* Wait, what? Me? Oh my god. (All monotone. Seriously, she is such a drug addict. I love her)

Amber- THANK YOU JESUS CHRIST. THANK YOU JESUS. I LOVE YOU. I WOULD LOVE HIM EVEN IF HE DIDN’T CALL MY NAME. I NEED TO SAVE THE WORLD (She’s ambitious, amirite?)

Laura- *wordless uninteligble yelp*

Sundae- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (Give her a break, she’s only 18!)

Tyra, of course, being Tyra, said that their reactions made her cry because they were going to be pioneers. Wait, what? Short girls have never been unemployed before? Also, Tyra used to make it to all 420495 of her scheduled go-sees while using horse and buggy travel. Suck on that, would-be models.

Because the casting episode wouldn’t be the casting episode without them, we need to do a tribute to the girls that didn’t make it-

Amanda- She lives in a pop-up trailer in New Orleans and she has to go to a gas station to take a shit. She walked like a linebacker.

Raven- Also known as Marvita Jr and That’s So Raven came into her audition doing back-flips. Whatever bitch, this isn’t the Olympics.

Simone- She wore huge ass sunglasses with the lenses popped out, and was way too reminiscent of Cycle 8’s Jael for comfort.

Ciara- A blonde wench with cat eyes that honestly, probably should have made it.

Allison- Some bizarre robot chick that ‘taught modeling’ and was brutally made fun of by the Jays for her odd style of walking.

Hmmm, thanks for playing shorties! Until next time!

Jennifer told the audience that this is the biggest high she’s ever felt in her life. She’s clearly never been high before.

And lastly, what would this recap be without at least a brief ode to Tyra’s psychosis?!

Tyra-

-Looks like she didn’t eat ribs all summer. Seriously, bitch was hot. She was sporting some darker shade of hair that’s completely plausible on a woman of her color

-Spoke in a stupid, corny French accent during the casting episode. Oy vey.

-Actually chose the best photo of the week as digital art for the house. Go Rae!

-Seemed less cunty than Chanel Iman, who acted like she was Coco Fucking Rocha, despite being a pretty sub-par model, in the scheme of things. And when Tyra seems less cunty than you, you probably suck. BYE CHANEL. I WON’T MISS YOU.

-Invented a photoshoot theme that didn’t suck! Seriously, modernizing baby photos is actually editorially plausible. IM NOT BEING SARCASTIC.

-Acted like the reject shorties could get work doing ‘face modeling’… Also known as beauty.

-Tried to convince the audience that the reason the winner gets representation with Wilhelmina Models, not Elite is because Wilhelmina is so welcoming, when really, it’s because Elite hates being associated with ANTM.

Last, but not certainly not least, I think that Amber deserves a little bit more of our time, since we, unfortunately, shall see no more from her. When the topic of virginity came up, Amber raised her hand and said she was because she hadn’t had sex in 2 years. Um. Then she told the rest of the girls that the burning desire they felt should be saved for Jesus, not another man. UM.

She flounced into her audition and when questioned about what the fuck was up with her walk, she answered ‘That was my catwalk. MEOW’. UM.

After hearing the instructions of ‘You have 5 minutes to put makeup on!’ she said she was already perfect and sat down on a chair, ready to go. UM.

Like I said, I consider her absence to be a major, major, MAJOR loss.

To Amber!

Until I have a GIF of Nicole saying ‘bloody eyeball’, this one will have to do:

My exasperation is at an all time low… But fear not, my dears! There is plenty of time for me to want to punch small children out of anger. Please stay tuned for next week’s recap!

In about 8 hours and 20 minutes, we will formally be introduced to the newest crop of girls trying to pass themselves off as models. Since the tall girls never work, it’s safe to say that the midgets will be just as unsuccessful. I’ve sat on them for a few weeks now, and I will give them (Tyra?) this. There are absolutely no Tahlias in this bunch. Nobody is repulsive and gross. They are all just… short, and therefore, pretty much a waste of time.

Will that stop me from blogging about them? Uh, duh. NOPE! So, I ask you, my dear readers, to make the hours of post-show blogging worth my damn time.

Moving back to the midgets… Let me just say that my opinions change pretty much on the hour– The ones I like are Nicole, Kara, Laura, Rachel, Brittany and to a lesser degree, Erin. I also think that maybe I was a little harsh on Rae, but we’ll see. I do seem like a bit of a white supremacist, don’t I? Hoo boy. That’s not my intention. At all.

My first baseless predictions are always fun to look back at and laugh… Consider the following list to be my first intelligent attempt at predictions for the Midg Cycle-

14th- Lisa

13th- Ashley

12th- Rachel

11th-Erin

10th- Bianca

9th- Kara

8th- Rae

7th- Courtney

6th- Laura

5th- Luly

4th-Sunday

3rd- Nicole

Runner-Up- Brittany

Winner- Jennifer

So, those will be fun to laugh at in a couple of months! Enjoy the shitshow tonight, folks!