I stole this.

I would normally be kind of upset that they only allowed him to take pictures and not be the guest judge, but Alek Wek is ferocious, so I’m over it. Also, is he gay now? He looks gay. It’s definitely going to put a damper on our relationship if he is.

This episode was a lot truer to form than the premiere. Any semblance of maturity was more or less evaporated when a catfight broke out about marinating chicken, affectionately referred to as ‘Marinate Gate’ by the internet. MARINATING. CHICKEN. Such idiocy hasn’t taken place since a fight over ‘REFRIGURRRATEDDDDD’ vegetables.

Basically, Alexandria had raw chicken sitting in a bowl of barbecue sauce. It was wrapped in foil and it was in the fridge. Monique, in her infinite wisdom, found this all very offensive.

She’s saying ‘This is friggin nasty’, for those that don’t read lips. And for that, Monique is a treasure. My stepmom is NOTORIOUS for saying things are ‘nasty’ when she doesn’t like them and it’s hilarious.

So then, Alexandria comes in and doesn’t get why her chicken is sitting on the counter. Dalya tells her that if something isn’t going to be consumed right away, it needs to be put in a freezer bag and ‘not in a bowl that we eat cereal out of’. Finger pointing ensues. Dalya gets called missy. Jaclyn is terrified of Alexandria whooping her butt-

I, personally, thought Dalya seemed like kind of a dick about the whole situation. A bowl that we eat cereal out of? So… wash it out before you put your damn Fruit Loops in it.

Alexandria is getting an old bitch edit and she’s looking more and more like Renee every time I look at her. Interestingly enough, her crispy ass is still around despite Nicole being ejected from the competition for looking ‘too old’. AKA Alexandria is interesting and Nicole is as dull as dishwater.

Oh, and don’t get it twisted… I love Alexandria and her bitchantics. She is definitely keeping things interesting and more trashy around the house.

And she stabbed herself in the eye while putting makeup on. Girl, you are one of us.

Following this, the girls are subjected to the kind of bullshit exploitation that we’ve grown accustomed to on ANTM. The premise was a therapy session masquerading as an acting challenge where some creepy fuck acting coach ‘plays their inner critic’ and they have to be stronger than that which bothers them.

Honestly, I don’t get my panties in a bunch over most things ANTM related these days. The show’s been on forever now, and we all know it’s going to be ridiculous. THAT BEING SAID… When a girl is crying about how she forgives her adoptive mother for giving her up and creepy fuck acting coach says ‘I could have kept you, I just didn’t'… I’m all:

That, by the way, is Sara’s only notable contribution to this episode.

So, Molly gets shit on for being adopted. Nicole is her own worst enemy. Ondrei, in a truly tragic moment, breaks down when faced with her inner critic- the person who murdered her brother just weeks before the show started. She did briefly talk to Dominique about this at the beginning of the episode and I think Dominique summed it up best

But thankfully, Jaclyn shows up and lightens the mood by yelling at herself! ‘YEW THINK THAT YEW CAN’T MODEL BAHCUZ YEW HAVE A BAYBEEFAYCE AND PEEPULL SAY YER VOICE IS TOO HAH!’ In what was starting to be a major downer of a challenge, Jaclyn and her idiocy lightened the mood exponentially.

Even Alex and her blackened soul can’t help but laugh at you.

Photoshoot time!!!

Mr. Jay makes a few bee related puns before introducing Sexxographer Mike Rosenthal and explaining that their photoshoot will be beauty shots surrounded by bees, which we all knew thanks to the cycle preview with Jaclyn asking if they were killer bees. CHILD, STOP TALKING. As it turns out, Jaclyn is allergic to them, so I guess all bees to her are killer.

Ondrei is completely unfocused and can’t stop thinking about her brother. Nicole is boring. Brittani is $000 ANTM FIERCE@!@!!

She may be a fan favorite, but she’s still mousy and overrated to me. All I see in that GIF is rodent.

Monique owns it, Mikaela starts off flat but gets stronger, Hannaleigh has a panic attack (although we don’t see her saying that like we did in the preview) and Monique makes fun of her for being a sniveling ass, but she manages to deliver.

At judging, Ondrei decides to quit the competition. She’s way too distracted by goings on in her real life. I was so happy that Tyra didn’t try and lecture her about this show being more important than dealing with tragedies.

So, the bee pictures are amazing. My call out order for them:

1. Monique

As evidenced by my previous post, I love this photo. Jizz in my pants worthy. ALT kept saying Shanghai about it and Monique was all WHATTTTT’S SHANGHAIIIII? IS THAT LIKE HIIIIIIGH??? Remember when Tyra compared Mo’ to Shalom Harlow? Yup, I see it.

Molly-

This was, somehow, in the bottom 3. Possibly one of the stupidest call outs since Angelea’s pubic couture getting a second call out. How come it’s okay for Whitney Thompson to have her yap hanging agape but when Molly does it, she’s not ‘bringing enough’? I love this. She looks Swedish or something.

Mikaela-

Now THIS is racial ambiguity. Her face is so striking that she doesn’t even need to do much to look amazing. The M-girls are the way to be this cycle.

Hannaleigh-

This POOR bitch is sobbing her head off and yet, the finished product is pretty stunning. Still not entirely clear what her problem is– it seems like she was just stressed out and started tearing up, but I applaud her for delivering something so pretty.

Brittani-

I really don’t like her but I can’t help but rank this highly.

Also, got a blog comment on this post asking me why I’m ranking her low if I don’t like her. Apparently I have to be fair. First of all, being ranked 5th is NOT low, it’s the ranking she deserves. As for being fair… I’m definitely allowed to have different favorites from you, dumb shit. Suck my balls.

Alexandria-

The full effect of this is lost because of the way it’s cut. Sure enough, it’s a beauty shot, but I can see plenty of Brittani’s scrawny body. Alexandria had sort of a Vitruvian Man thing going on during her set with her arms outstretched and it looked AWESOME. Like Mikaela, the straight on-ness of this photo is a big strength.

Kasia-

Some people said this looks sleepy and likened it to Whitney Thompson, who keeps coming up in this recap, but I think it’s beautiful. It’s serene, which is not something I’d expect to achieve with bees, killer or not, crawling all over me.

Sara-

There’s nothing explicitly wrong with it… I just think the way she’s opened her mouth is sort of unflattering… It looks like she has buck teeth and a massively large jaw.

Jaclyn-

Come on, chick. If you’re going to stick around and be the dumbass of the cycle, can you please be a good model too? It really does look like a random pair of hands is touching her and ruins what is an otherwise beautiful profile.

Ondrei-

I can definitely see hesitation on her face… She still manages to look pretty albeit a little uninteresting.

Nicole-

I think, after staring at this for a little while, that the biggest problem here is the severe looking mouth. They axed her for looking old, which is hilarious because Alexandria looks much older than her, so what they mean is useless to advancing the plot of the show. I digress. It’s just an altogether average picture.

Dalya-

Um, blah? I continue to grow more and more concerned that she’s going to completely SUCK if we see the full extent of her face. First picture was in profile, second picture has closed eyes… What is the deal here? I think I’d be more on board with the closed eyes ethereal thing if her face didn’t look so long and horsey here.

Dominique-

Dominique should just stop modeling and stick around for entertainment purposes. I know that she’s an ‘interesting’ beauty but I am not interested. Her head is too small for her neck and her tongue is bugging me. What a hater I am!

On the show, Nicole and Dalya were the bottom 2 with Nicole being eliminated. In a way, it’s for the best. She has amazing pre-show work and now her name isn’t sullied by ANTM and she can hopefully go back to actual modeling. She said herself that she felt she was focusing too much on being ‘fierce’ and that it isn’t her. Don’t worry, Nicole. It isn’t the fashion world’s thing either.

I’m really bad at predictions so instead, I’m just going to post some speculation on each girl.

In her favor- She’s one of the best when it comes to hilarity (I not-so-secretly love Monique’s dumb Barbie routine, but it’s not for everyone) because she’s not over the top. Her look is unique. She had a bottom 2 in week 1 so she’s really got nothing to do but improve. ALT seems to like her.

Against her- That same unique look doesn’t always translate into photos (see: promo photo). Despite being funny, she doesn’t have much of a storyline or ample screen time.

In her favor- The token awkward girl. Tyra loves taking a hot scruffy mess and giving her a drastic makeover.

Against her- Has she gotten more than one confessional in two episodes? Seriously… She has no storyline. Her pictures have been average-ish and her call outs from the judges reflect that.

In her favor- Photos are generally well received. She’s an instigator, which gets her plenty of bitchy confessionals. I may just be imagining this, but does she seem to narrate quite a few events?

Against her- Called third for her absolutely stunning bee photo, which is a good sign she’ll be eliminated sooner than she deserves. She provides drama, but Alexandria seems to be getting a much more prominent bitch edit.

Kasia-

In her Favor- Plus sized model with an absolutely amazing body. The judges know her from before the cycle so if there’s Saleisha-shit going on, I expect to see her approximately forever. Even when her pictures are weaker (i.e Week 1), she isn’t heavily criticized.

Against Her- People are still wary of plussies because of Whitney. Tyra may want to avoid another scandal. Her pictures are nothing wow-worthy thus far.

Dalya-

In her favor- Franca Sozzani posted on Vogue Italia’s website that she wants to see more black models in her magazine, and Dalya is it. She’s heavily featured in confessionals which will probably provide her with a redemption arc after her disastrous photo this week.

Against Her- As I’ve said before… She photographs well in profile but straight on, she is all kinds of masculine. We all know that unless you’re the pre-selected winner, that’s never a good way to win.

Jaclyn-

In her favor- Basically provides the comic relief of the cycle, but does so without resorting to bitchery. Therefore, she’s going to be a fan favorite for being ‘cute’. She also happens to have a bitching body.

Against her- Cuteness only takes you so far. Her photos have been pretty blah so far.

Molly-

In her favor- Did ANYONE expect her to be so amazing after her shitty promo picture? That’s a success story in itself! She’s adopted, which is a nice sob story. Her first photo got first call out, which almost certainly guarantees her a spot overseas. She’s also blonde and there have only been 2 blonde winners in all 15 cycles.

Against her- Her gorgeous bee photo was in the bottom 3? Are they trying to turn the audience against her so soon?

In her favor- Mr. Jay seems to love her. The obscene amounts of praise he lays on her remind me of his love affair with Kayla last cycle. The judges seem to love her. Skinny and malnourished looking, like so many models currently working.

Against Her- That mousiness isn’t going to work for every photoshoot, is it? Truthfully, I don’t see much against her right now and that scares me.

leigh

In her favor- Getting a first call out after having an emotional breakdown on set is always good because it means the judges don’t think you’re a basket case. She’s… cute. If Jaclyn’s appeal wears thin, Hannah can be her more photogenic stand in.

Against her- Analeigh wouldn’t be in my top 5 if I got to clone myself into another ANTM girl. She doesn’t seem to have much of an edit thus far.

Alexandria-

In her favor- House bitch. Freaks out over people criticizing the way she wraps chicken which equals good TV. Kicking body. Generally photogenic. I also don’t believe in theme song conspiracy theories but she *is* featured last, which generally signifies importance.

Against her- Nicole was axed for looking old… How long will Alexandria stay fresh in the judges eyes? At what point does bitchery lose out to actual modeling prowess?

In her favor- Breathtaking face and bone structure. Photogenic and generally well received for her photos. Seemed to do a lot of talking in episode 1.

Against her- I’ve heard a few people mention that her proportions make her look short. She was barely featured at all in episode 2. Is that face too strong sometimes?

And a few brief words on the eliminated/quitters-

What’s in store- She’s honestly lucky to have escaped from the jaws of ANTM so soon. She can re-adopt her modeling identity of Chloe and turn out more amazing stuff like her pre-show work.

What’s in store- I hope she gets counseling or whatever will best help her deal with the tragedies she’s faced. It would be really cool if she could somehow come back to a later cycle because she’s beautiful and I think she would do well in this competition.

What’s in store- Yuck.

Some things just make sense.

Due to the initial WTF-ness of the promo pictures, I had hilariously low expectations for the cycle and just expected it to be a mess. There weren’t any Tahlias to be seen, but nobody really seemed above average either. While I’m not about to blow my load over anyone just yet, I don’t think this is Cycle 14 either.

Since the photos are out, I’ll start with them. To put it simply, each girl was photographed getting ready for a runway show. The concept sounded a little bizarre initially but they were shot by Russell James, who is more than competent, and they’ve all grown on me.

Mikaela-

She was my initial pre-show favorite, but after seeing various media of her looking like she was going to try and embalm me, I was a little concerned about her. I think she looks kind of weird in person– her eyebrows and bone structure are so exaggerated, but it completely translates in this picture. It’s a caught moment, but she knew that the camera was on her.

Alexandria-

So close to first call out. She kind of reminds me of Nicole Sullivan from Mad TV. She’s getting this bitch edit but… She can be bossy and twatty all she wants if she turns out shots like this. Is this pose-y? Hell yes… But it’s HOT– those cheekbones, the sultry hand in the hair. I love it.

Molly-

A perfectly acceptable first call out and a massive surprise from someone whose face looked like it was lopsided in her pre-show shot. There’s something about this that reminds me of a working model but I can’t think of who it is. It’s more pose-y than some of them, but… I’m okay with that. The point of the shoot wasn’t to look good in a candid, some of them just ended up being like that.

Brittani-

Not into this girl at all, but I have to admit that this picture pretty much exemplifies exactly what the shoot was about. If I saw this on The Fashion Spot or something, I would think it was a fresh faced up-and-comer getting ready for a show. And I have to give her kudos for looking relaxed despite a pencil getting ready to impale her.

Monique-

The only fault in this picture is the obstruction in the front! What’s up with that? It makes it harder to see Monique’s gorgeous face. I’m pretty much obsessed with this girl because everything she does is sexy. Even her voice, which sounds sort of like a stoned Malibu Barbie, is weirdly hot. And I love this picture. She looks excited about getting ready.

Dalya-

I think she completely nailed the candid aspect of the shot… almost too well, actually. If she had been a little bit more present, this would be like Mikaela’s and probably be up top with her… because, seriously? Dalya is STUNNING. She looks like Jourdan Dunn and Sessilee Lopez mutated and created something marvelous.

Ondrei-

This seems stupid, but her hands majorly bug, especially the left one. It’s like she’s clawing onto the chair, which I suppose is quite candid, but it bugs me. Maybe I’m holding onto resentment because my chosen senior picture for the yearbook is gorgeous except for my right hand being balled into a fist. What was I thinking? I digress… Ondrei’s face is lovely, but those hands. I can’t get past them.

Hannah-

Hannah looks hot in this picture. No doubt. She, unfortunately, is right next to the stunningly gorgeous Molly and because of that, some of the focus is taken off of her. Also, how gross is Angelia in this picture? Her face is so dumpy looking. Do not miss.

Kasia-

The general consensus on the Internet is that she looks like she’s playing with her boobs. That may be so, but I’m so pleasantly surprised by her lovely face that I’ll forgive her for nipple tweaking.

Jaclyn-

Is this blurry-ish to anyone else? She looks pretty, and she’s downplaying her baby features, which is nice, but this, like some of the others, doesn’t seem present enough for a legitimate photoshoot. And it’s blurry.

Dominique-

Exponentially better than what I expected from her. I actually just got my ass handed to me on a forum for saying that she looked gross in some promotional pictures I’d seen, and that somehow translated into me being a racist… You can tell it’s ANTM season when THAT word starts getting thrown around. Anyway, this is pretty, but boring. She doesn’t seem aware at all that there’s a camera on her.

Nicole-

Everyone’s pre-show favorite delivers this snooze-fest, and the fandom mourns. I think the composition is largely to blame, as she does appear to look pretty behind the half dozen things that are distracting me from looking at her. But really, her film either sucked ass or there’s some sabotage going on behind the scenes… why would they choose this shot?

Sara-

She’s completely clueless and she has a rat tail. Her face shows some promise, but the picture is just completely average.

Angelia-

Um, biggest disappointment ever? This is, at best, a pretty Facebook picture.

The episode started with Tyra letting us know that the casting episode isn’t happening this cycle. She, being the queen of behind on her pop culture references (seriously, remember how she had the MyFierce pages despite MySpace being dead?), decided to be Ashton Kutcher and ‘punk’ her actual chosen 14 and tell them that they were the ones going home.

These bitches got all weepy and sad JUST LIKE IN REGULAR CASTING WEEK.

She has nothing to live for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then, Tyra was all PSYCHE, and they found out that she was just kidding. And that ended that.

In the house, Dominique established herself as abrasive and obnoxious right off the bat. Mikaela and her monstrous eyebrows were not too impressed. Also stepping up to the bitch plate is Alexandria, who is not nearly as Olsen Twin-y as I thought and looks more like a MILF. She’s bossy to Jaclyn, who is perhaps number than a pounded thumb. Everything she says sounds retarded. Of course, she’s an immediate fan favorite. I think she’s cute but I’m disappointed that she doesn’t look as much like Fran Drescher as she does in her pre-show shot. Brittani is from a trailer park and looks like every mousy little girl from the trailer parks in Maine, my place of residence. Everything she does is awkward and when she cries, which is often, she looks like she’s leaking. I just want to give her a tissue or something so she can wipe the snot off of her.

The girls get to meet Erin Wasson, who is pretty much perfection with hair. Their mission is pure ANTM… Get inside some plastic bubbles and walk on a 12 inch wide runway without falling. Jaclyn is worried that she’ll get stuck in the ball for the rest of her life. Seriously, get this girl a government job. Bonus! They get their pictures taken while they get ready, as shown above.

When showtime rolls around, the results are about what you’d expect. Everyone sort of skulks along, except for Brittani, who gallops as if she isn’t even on water.

Alexandria as a real life hamster.

Ondrei is the first to fall on her ass. This is her only notable contribution to the cycle, thus far. Dominique’s, however, is the type of moment that we ANTM addicts live for. She crashes and burns and then can’t get up, so she basically rolls around in the ball for a while and then gets up and does a big ta-da thing.

A truly stunning performance.

Angelia fell too. Am I the only one who noticed how fucking dumpy she is?!? She looked like such an exotic babe in her pre-show shot but she looks like a drunk hummingbird in person. I can’t stand looking at her for too long because she looks doughy or something. What a disappointment. I don’t really remember much about her falling except that it happened. So over you, Angelia.

Panel is my favorite part of the show, especially during the more low-key cycles in the house, because you know the stupidity will always be at an all-time high over there! Especially with Nigel Barker and Andre Leon Talley on panel! Tyra is hot again this cycle, although she’s wearing a shirt with ALT’S jowly face on it and can’t seem to stop touching herself:

I apologize in advance for that GIF being the size of Thumbelina.

Erin Wasson is the guest judge and she is both helpful and well-spoken. Best guest judge since Marisa Miller, y/y? Seriously, fire Nigel and get a supermodel back on the panel.

The judges are up to some of their old tricks, naturally. For example, Nigel thinks Nicole’s mouth looks like a ‘cat’s bottom’ in her shot… He demonstrates and what he means is duck face

Perhaps there’s a language barrier since he’s from some bizarre planet where a fake tan and a sleazy British accent equal valued opinion. Andre is wearing some sort of makeup brush on his hat

He then has the nerve to criticize Brittani for wearing a tacky dragonfly ornament in her hair. Ahhh, hypocrisy. I’ve missed you so. Nigel finds that Angelia’s face is BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. He may be right on this one, but if I had the opportunity to wax philosophical about Angelia’s messy face, I’d come up with something better than that. I mean, really. The possibilities are endless.

Their call out order doesn’t differentiate all that much from mine: Molly, Brittani, Alexandria, Mikaela, Dalya, Hannah, Ondrei, Monique, Nicole, Kasia, Jaclyn, Sara. Bottom 2 is Dominique and Angelia, and thankfully, her royal let-down goes home. If Dominique falls on her ass every episode, I may be willing to accept her into my life.

I’m trying to come up with innovative ways to incorporate media into this blog and until someone can teach me how to make GIFs, there will be A LOT of still frames. I know, it sucks. So, to bulk up this decidedly uneventful episode, feast your eyes on my revised rankings of the girls overall. Also, I wrote this like 3 days after I ranked the photos so if I contradict myself, whoops. I change my mind a lot.

1. Monique (Up from 6th)

She is so sexy that it hurts my heterosexuality. Every shot of her was like upskirting because they wanted to make her look as trampy as possible… and I loved every single second of it. For the love of God, let her stay around longer.

Perfection.

2. Molly (Up from 11th)

I knew that revolting pre-show shot had to be a fluke… there was just no way in hell anyone could actually look like that. There’s ‘unique’ and then there’s melting face, and Molly’s promo shot was the latter. So, good news! She’s totally hot and will more than likely go overseas because her first photo received first call out!

3. Mikaela (Down from 1st)

I gave her picture first call out but she’s a little harsher in person than I generally go for. Photogenic as helllll, but her eyebrows look like they’re consuming her face, generally speaking. The above picture purposely does not highlight this.

4. Alexandria (Up from 12th)

So, she may have leathery skin and be potentially skanktastic but I love a good bitch and I especially love one who photographs like a dream. So for now, she is allowed in my top tier, if she continues to look sexy in her photos. Also, she looks less like a cracked out Olsen twin and more like Nicole Sullivan from Mad TV.

5. Hannah (Up from 9th)

We didn’t see any H-H-HAVING A P-P-PANIC ATTACK Hannah that was on the preview in episode 1, but she was seen continuously sporting some baby prostitute-esque pigtails, so I suppose there is hope yet for her to be just a complete blubbering mess. So far, that void seems to be filled by Jaclyn, and Hannah is more of our pedophile dream girl. Just look at that blowjob face!

6. Kasia (Up from 13th)

I KNOW, RIGHT!!?!?! I was so sure she was going to look like a fat bug but she really surprised me. I’m one of about 2 that actually thinks her backstage photo is acceptable. Not a stand out, but not the abomination some people are comparing it to. And she seems nice. Her runway walk is balls though.

7. Dalya (Up from 8th)

My biggest reservation with Dalya is the fact that she seems to photograph exquisitely in profile and…. hella masculine straight on, as seen above. I dunno if it’s the picture but yikes. As we know from this show, you just can’t make it exclusively in profile (3/4 if you’re Teyona, but she was an exception). Bottom line is that I’m not getting too attached.

8. Jaclyn (Down from 7th)

I wasn’t big on her picture, nor am I particularly on board with her bordering on mental retardation personality, but at the same time, I have to like her for being entertaining. She’s clearly dumb, but she’s also weirdly endearing.

9. Ondrei (Down from 5th)

She’s really adorable but I know nothing about her except that she’s the bittiest of the bunch, her picture was acceptable and she fell on her ass during the runway show.

10. Nicole (Down from 2nd)

Ouch, how the mighty have fallen. While I did like her promo shot, I knew that there was no way she could live up to the high expectations set for her by the majority of the fans. She’s pretty, yes, and that pre-show work is a force to be reckoned with… BUT! Her picture this week was blah, and she’s forgettable.

11. Dominique (Up from 14th)

I don’t think I will ever like her, to be honest. Her freckles sort of look like acne and pockmark scars. It’s… not so cute. But I have to give her some kudos for the infamous disaster at the runway show. Favorite moment of the episode, for sure.

12. Brittani (Down from 4th)

Ooooh, unpopular opinion time! Brittani, to me, looks like any other trailer trash in this country. She’s constantly crying and it’s annoying. Her picture was great but it’s hardly dynamic modeling skills.

13. Sara (Down from 10th)

I wanted her to be a whole lot weirder than she was. Her edit for this episode was basically ‘Dumbass with a rat tail’.

14. Angelia (Down from 3rd)

WHATTTTTTTTT A LETTTTT DOWNNNNNNNNNNN.

So, that wraps up the premiere of ANTM. Next week, beauty shots with bees! They’re traiiiiiined, rooooight?

Due to the Oscars being doneskies, I plan on having  blogs up on Mondays from here on out. That probably won’t happen, but look for them anyway.

What the WHAAAAAAAAT?! Didn’t the paint just dry on Cycle 15? Or am I really that behind?

So, onto Cycle 16. If these promos are any indication… this cycle is going to be an absolute blast, because EVERYONE is disgusting.

EEEEEEVERYOOOOONE

There’s really no point in ranking them because they’re all embarrassingly bad. There is, of course, the slight possibility that these are just sucky promos, but I hope they aren’t. I will have tons more fun.

Starting with the absolute dregs-

Dominique-

WHAT THE FUCK?! There’s no way in hell anyone can convince me that that’s a female. ‘She’ is just standing there, clueless, trying to keep her dick between her legs and looking stankity stank while she does it. She makes Cycle 10′s Dominique look like Sasha Pivovarova! WHAT IS THIS?!!?!?!

I don’t even want to consider her as anything but first out, but someone on my forum was all ‘I hope she’s like Mahatma Gandhi, but in a diva kind of way’… And I couldn’t have put it better myself. If she has to stay around, please let her actually be decent, otherwise I’m going to burn out my retinas.

Kasia-

How can I… just… what…. no. I can’t. I just can’t.

Okay, yes I can. If Gemma Ward got smashed in the face with a frying pan and then was force fed sixteen thousand cheese toasties and poured into a glittery condom with arms… she’d still look better than Kasia.

Alexandria-

I suspect that she was smoking crack with her long lost sisters, the Olsen twins, before taking this picture. They all got high and Mary Kate tried to get her to wear a sack and Alexandria was like NO, I WANT TO HAVE MY OWN STYLE and proceeded to wear as many sparkles as possible, hoping they would detract from her sweaty body and crunchy hair.

Molly-

Is her face… completely lopsided? I’m immediately reminded of this:

I mean, hello Attack of the Wonky Eyes Part II! She looks like she’s winking!

EDIT- HAHAHAHAHA, just saw her pre-show work. She’s HOT. I suck.

Sara-

She appears to have a plausibly modelesque body. If I could just cut off her head, she’d be one of my favorites.

Hannah-

Completely confused by this one. Sometimes I look at this picture and think ‘Why is Analeigh’s cousin trying to melt the camera with her laser beam eyes? AND FOR GOD’S SAKE, TAKE AN ADVIL IF YOU HAVE A HEADACHE’… but it’s possible that she’s actually cute with a… nice body? whaaaaat? we’ll stick with the former, for now.

Dalya-

I think she and Dominique both use the men’s bathroom, but Dalya is blessed with long, willowy limbs that make her look taller than 5’9, despite a retarded pose. Sadly, the longer I stare at her, the more she resembles Wesley Snipes.

Jaclyn-

This is Fran Drescher after a spin cycle in a Benjamin Button machine. Nobody can convince me otherwise.

Monique-

Despite hoping that this cycle is a complete mess from head to toe, I’m also hoping that Monique’s thighs aren’t this big. Remember Celia’s promo shot? Everyone thought she was plus and she had an awesome body… so there’s hope. Because God knows Kasia is more than enough plus sized model for this cycle. Fuck me dead.

Ondrei-

Of course, the prettiest girl is the shortest. She’s 5’7, which means she was eligible for the midget cycle. Whyyyyy meeeeee?! I mean, THAT FACE. She looks like Rose Cordero mated with a Strawberry Shortcake doll. I just want to hug her. WHY YOU BITTY?!

Brittani-

Stank faced and malnourished… We’ve got ourselves a fan favorite, everyone!

Angelia-

When I saw that there was an Angelia this cycle, I immediately though of Angelea and then of Anjelica Pickles. I’m kind of bummed that she doesn’t look like a Rugrats character… but I’m told she’s originally from Germany. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE HAVE AN ACCENT. I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Nicole-

In case Alexandria wasn’t enough cracked out blonde for you, we have Nicole to curb your enthusiasm! According to her stats, she’s 5’11, which begs the question… Why the hell is she posing like that? Still, in spite of wanting to do so, I think she could be one to watch.

Mikaela-

Surprised? I think she may be the result of an Iekeliene Stange and Idina Menzel sexperiment… and when everyone looks like shit, I may as well root for someone with cheekbones that could cut butter. If she’s first out, hahahahahaha.

For prediction purposes, I’ll just reverse my order and predict Dominique as the winner.

Week 1- Bullying- Essentially, pick a hurtful word that people used to call you. Have it scrawled over your body. Take that insult and make it into something positive. Scrawl that all over you too.

For some bizarre reason, these shots were never released in decent quality, except for Ann’s. Various photoshoppers have made the faces look decent, but the bodies are still blurry. I’ve included the best possible versions I could find, which have the bully/power words right on them (except for Ann’s)

Ann-

Bullying Word- Giant

Power Word- Amazon

The gentle giant begins her reign of terror (or awesomeness, depending on who you ask) over this cycle. I think this is gorgeous, probably because she strikes me as the type who actually *was* bullied so she was able to pull genuine emotion into the shot. Her mega-tallness only helps here… All those spindly limbs look amazing when she’s contorting herself.

Kayla-

This was originally my favorite but it basically comes down to thinking Ann is, in general, more awesome than Kayla. Kayla looks pretty awesome in this picture though… I wish they’d just straightened her hair and kept it blonde. Based on her crying, and her straight up admittance of being scared of the opposite sex, I think that she too was bullied in school and therefore is giving a genuine emotion here.

Either that or I’ve totally bought into Tyra’s bullshit about people actually ‘drawing emotion’ into their kitschy photoshoots. Maybe Kayla didn’t give a shit and she just looks pretty. I dunno.

Chelsey-

I look at this and literally think ‘ghoulish’. I LOVE it. Chelsey got compared to Lara Stone a few times this cycle (I suspect it’s the gap in her teeth when really, Lara’s more famous just for having kind of awesomely bad teeth in general) but this is the only time I saw a resemblance. Lara would definitely stand all slack jawed, covered in paint and look amazing. Perfect example of how doing nothing can be a good approach.

Lexie-

I’ve talked to Lexie a few times and I get the feeling that she was NEVER picked on. She just seems way too like… ‘Oh, fuck you… Whatever’ about people in general. Like, let’s just talk briefly about that bizarre hate group she had briefly on Facebook that called her a racist Satan worshipper. What did Lexie do? She made a video about it laughing at them. So was she really mocked for having elf ears? If so, she probably just threw her ear wax at her attackers.

Also, I love this picture.

Kendal-

I love how the eyeshadow contrasts with her skin… Normally I’m sort of ‘ummm, ewww?’ about such mod-style eyeshadow but Kendal likes to turn things upside for me. Like, for example… my sexuality? Her body is ridiculous. If anyone ever picked on her, it was because they were jealous. She’s GORGEOUS.

Anamaria-

No doubt about it… home girl is skin and bones… I’m about 99% sure that if she had told Tyra that she had a problem, she would have stayed, because she just has a natural ability about her. She does bear a resemblance to Lady Gaga… although minus the tranny and meat dresses.

Jane-

I love that big square is a powerful word for Jane. Between this and being a huge Demi Lovato fan, I would have assumed she went to a Redbook school, not Princeton. Awww, just kidding Janey! I love you! Seriously, she’s so hot it hurts. But… it is a boring picture. It’s only pretty because SHE is pretty.

Liz-

This is the prettiest she looked for the entire competition… Her eyes are absolutely gorgeous and I love the way she’s staring down the lens. No coy eye batting from this broad. Her body doesn’t live up to her face, but it’s a decent picture.

Kacey-

I wish she didn’t look so… aloof. This would work so much more if she was giving even an iota of emotion. Her body looks great, her hair looks great… but the face. Bah. Boring.

This is where the shots cross into bad territory for me-

Sara-

Her hair looks like a ratty Barbie doll and I don’t know why she would emphasize her stomach like that… Whenever someone cups their belly like that, I immediately think preggers. The saving graces of this picture are A) her face is pretty and B) her left arm… The way it’s flexed totally represents ‘athletic’.

Chris-

She looks like Aretha Franklin minus 300 pounds, but I blame the styling for that more than I blame her. I do have to shit on my girl Chris for cupping the belly preggo style… She hasn’t even had a kid so what’s the deal? The eye contact is pretty… she looks amazing with her eyes heavily lined like that… but love her though I do, it’s a weak start.

Esther-

I know she can’t help her knockers but she didn’t have to thrust them out like that. They just look cartoonishly huge… Like she’s about to fall over or some shit. Also… the expression is bland.

Rhianna-

Love her choice of words… Seriously. Unfortunately, it’s like the only good thing about the shot. She has those amazing willowy limbs but she made her body look so… trunk-like with that pose. And her face looks like she’s rolling her eyes back in her head.

Terra-

Poor soup cooler! You can tell she’s pretty… Look at her eyes. But you can only look at them so long before you notice the utter cluelessness going on. She’s like ‘Amidoinitrite?’ No, sweets. You’re not.

Week 2 Part A- Makeovers

I don’t usually judge the makeovers, but considering that there was an elimination that directly correlated to them, I did this time. They didn’t do a call out order, but it was actually pretty fun since the girls this cycle are attractive and all look nice in these pictures, for the most part-

Jane-

Favorite makeover picture of all time. Not even kidding. This is where I really picked up on the Magdalena Frackowiak/Natasha Poly attributes and decided that Jane was actually as hot as people were saying. Seriously, beyond precious.

Kendal-

I do need to comment on the complete hilarity of the two girls from Tyra.com actually being the two hottest girls of the cycle. Tyty is always like ‘Resting on pretty, what mama and daddy gave you’ and then these two sex goddesses emerge. The Naomi Campbell has been done many a time in ANTM history and Kendal wore it best.

Rhianna-

Her makeover made her look less like a hybrid of Slut Tits/Blossom and a lot sexier. I think the long waves actually suit her personality, which is a stupid Banks-y type thing to say but fuck it, it’s true.

Kacey-

Can’t stand this bitch, but she looks awesome in this picture. Almost babe material.

Chris-

Love her expression! This is the beginning of the love train for Chris, probably thanks in large part to them axing her far less amazing sister.

Ann-

Awkward turtle which may as well be the name of Ann’s signature fragrance or something. I love what a spindly and long-limbed mess she is, yet she still looks cool.

Esther-

Like a less STD be-ridden Megan Fox who doesn’t suck dick in the sewer. Like, don’t love.

Chelsey-

Sigh. The newly shorn teeth and the hideous blonde hair that looked good at first but later turned Chelsey into a brassy mess. I think this picture looks a little drag, but it’s okay.

Kayla-

This is SUCH a bizarre makeover photo. There really never has been one so completely unlike the rest before. I mean, she’s not even looking at the camera straight on. That aside, her haircut looks like a red version of the Saleisha Tootie haircut. Do not want.

Liz-

Is it just me or does she look like she’s sniffing her own armpit? I think she does the short hair thing better than most, but the armpit thing really detracts from what is an otherwise decent picture.

Terra-

Cute, but forgettable. She doesn’t look engaging at all.

Lexie-

What on god’s green earth were they thinking when they dyed her hair mousy brown? Since the show ended, Lexie has dyed her hair black and platinum blonde and both look infinitely better. Lexie said she was hopped up on Flexeril during this photoshoot and well… it kind of shows. Sorry Lexie. Love you.

Sara-

What Tyra was thinking when she did this- Let’s take a relatively ordinary but pretty girl and give her luscious, chocolate-y brown hair. We’ll turn her from bimbo blond to brainy brunette, even though she can’t spell jealous correctly. OH WAIT, I KNOW HOW TO REALLY ‘ELEVATE’ HER LOOK SINCE THIS IS THE ELEVATED CYCLE AND ALL. WE’LL BLEACH HER EYEBROWS BUT NOT ALL THAT WELL SO YOU CAN SEE WEIRD GRAYISH PATCHES OF FUZZ OVER HER EYES. IT’S SO PERFECT.

Week 2 Part B Fallen Angels.

Like I said in my epic recap… These shots came out and everyone assumed that they were well edited outtakes since some of them are REALLY terrible. Each girl chose an attitude to convey in their shot, which consisted of them writhing around in a harness. In the finished product, the harness was airbrushed out. Their words are in the closeups, but I’m not really judging them since almost everyone did a horrible job portraying their word well.

Ann

Is it just me or is Ann… pretty damn hot in this picture? I actually buy her emotion here and I find her expression captivating. For those keeping score… This was her second consecutive first call out for Ann from both me and the judges. Get it, Annie.

Kayla-

Another shot where the emotion is actually convincing and the shot doesn’t suffer because of it. Her Tootie haircut must have softened a little bit because it’s kind of mussed up and frankly, pretty hot.

Rhianna-

This perhaps isn’t worthy of some of the wankage I’ve seen over it, but the fact that it was excluded from that top tier group of 5 is pretty lame and a douchey way to make her upcoming elimination seem justified. I think she looks effortless and nothing like her promo shot.

Chelsey-

She looks terrifyingly like CariDee, which doesn’t sit right with me. Otherwise, it’s a pretty great shot… She looks focused and intense.

Chris-

Her awkward hand kind of bugs me, but I love her expression in this too… Bitch worked in this week. Also, her picture is one of the ones that is totally impossible (thanks harnesses) but doesn’t look like she was emulating a ballerina.

Kendal-

She could just as easily be balanced on his erection since there’s no sense or airborne like all the others… But I like how they’re having a moment.

Kacey-

She looks like she’s about to propel herself at him and karate kick his ass. Either that or they’re in ANTM on Ice. I don’t hate it but I don’t think there’s anything genuine about the emotion nor anything especially interesting about the pose, hence the average rating.

Jane-

This is hideous, but Jane is so beautiful that it escapes the bottom tier. Her head looks like Giada De Laurentiis’… It’s so massively large compared to the rest of her body. Also, the shoot is absurd and everything but can you imagine being that guy if a girl was resting all her weight sans harness on your hand like she’s doing?

Liz-

So ugly… It’s all BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I’M WALKING ON AIR and she has ZERO connection with her model. Her hands look awkward, her feet are weird. It’s a big Lizmess.

Lexie-

I actually think her pose is okay… But they captured her face right before she was about to sneeze or something, because she looks sweaty, disheveled and cursed with an itchy nose. Deaditorial, hahahahha. THAT ISN’T EVEN A WORD, TYRA.

Sara-

I want to know why some of the girls got to wear their hair down and why they insisted on giving Sara a lunch lady hair do for this shoot. You’ve already bleached her eyebrows and she needs all the help she can get! The resulting look is Soccer Mom doing Ballet.

Esther-

Absolutely frightening. She looks like she’s about to hurtle herself through the screen and give me the Dementor’s Kiss. And what in God’s name are you pointing at, child?!

Week 3- Matthew Rolston ‘Seafood’ Beauty Shots

Esther-

From the bottom to the top. Bitch is GORGEOUS.

Ann-

Awwww, record broken. The judges gave her a first call out for this and I’m not violently opposed to that since she looks effortlessly stunning but still so… Ann. Someone on one of the forums photoshopped this picture into a V cover, and it looks right at home.

Kayla-

She was bizarrely compared to both Ariel from The Little Mermaid and a country singer. Strange. This picture emphasizes how hideous her makeover really is, since that’s the actual color of it and these pictures are purposely over the top bright and Matthew Rolston apparently didn’t use Photoshop to edit them. Nevertheless, this is cute as hell. I love her hand.

Chris-

I’ve been trying and trying to think of something sarcastic and twatty to say about this picture but I REALLY can’t except that the bubble effect in her picture is the most noticeable and makes me wonder if perhaps she farted. I still like it though.

Lexie-

Lexie’s picture appeals to the ‘Pro-Choking’ crowd and she looks beautiful while asphyxiating herself.

Rhianna-

I love the serene expression but I just really can’t embrace her face. She’s not ugly like I originally thought but her look just isn’t all that appealing. Completely undeserved elimination but I’ve seen some people rank this picture first.

Jane-

This is so obviously Katie Couric and not Jane that I refuse to comment further on it.

Kendal-

It’s not surprising that she looks a little spooked by something because she don’t like seafood.

Liz-

I think the seafood in Liz’s picture was rotting because bitch has major case of stank face going on. I don’t think this picture is the hot mess that a lot of people do, but it’s definitely bad.

Chelsey-

Absolute tranny mess. I really don’t understand how anyone can say Chelsey is ‘fresh’ after this picture. She looks like they took the makeup gun and set it to ‘drag queen hooker’. It’s really abysmal.

Kacey-

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This honestly looks like a retarded, swollen potato abortion. Do potatoes have abortions? Ask Kacey’s head. And while Lexie shows us how choking can be a wonderful thing, Kacey looks like she’s throttling herself. Probably the worst shot of the cycle.

Week 4- Lucha Va Voom Wrestling-

Chelsey-

THIS is how you do tranny hooker! The shoot brief is completely campy and she took it and ran with it… It’s oversexed, sort of unattractive and I LOVE IT. Her best (minus her flawless Covergirl) of the cycle.

Chris-

Take note Analeigh and Saleisha– THIS is how you do a jumping shot. She doesn’t look like she’s about to take a dump on someone’s head or go Village of the Damned on an innocent bystander. She’s jumping in a shoot that is perfectly appropriate for a jump and kept her face cute. Love.

Liz-

She looks like she is simultaneously possessed by a demon and about to shit herself but again, for a shoot so campy, that’s almost acceptable. I appreciate that she gave some energy.

Kayla-

This is hideous. Her arm is only slightly longer than that of a T-Rex and she looks like she’s passing a kidney stone, but again… Kudos must be given for having energy and actually embracing the camp appeal of such a stupid photoshoot.

Jane-

She was criticized for looking pornographic but my favorite part of the picture is how she’s got her legs splayed open like it ain’t no thing. REJOICE said the fandom. I think her face is kind of like ‘Oh, I’m pretty, don’t you think?’ Which is totally WRONG for this, but whatever. Can you believe this shit was bottom 2? Wait till you see Kacey’s disgusting picture.

Ann-

From a concept standpoint, her picture is one of the strongest. I love that she totally made this chicken man her bitch and stuff, but I think she looks way too sad. Plus, the other guy is blocking the weeping chicken man, so it’s kind of boring overall. This is her only first call out that I’m vehemently opposed to.

Esther-

She looks clueless and stupid and her pose is… awkward, at best… But Esther has the body for leather wrestling gear. It’s really the only thing putting this above the last three.

Kendal-

I really want to like this more because Kendal is so hot and my picture rankings don’t really reflect my love for her, but she looks sweaty and cross eyed. If she borrowed like 1/10th of Kayla’s over the top pose, she’d be much higher.

Lexie-

I read a photo critique that likened this picture to a drunk country music star in a wrestling ring, and I couldn’t really put it better myself.

Kacey-

She’s wearing these awesome shoes and did something almost cool with her body, and then I’m forced to look at her ridiculous expression. Revenge of the swollen potato abortion! I mean, her lips look like sausages. On what planet is that a wise choice? It’s not even tranny fierce like Chelsey’s picture… It’s just foul.

Since this post is now nearing 3000 words, I’m going to make it Part I of the pictures and work busily on part 2.

Amanda, you alive?! Giiiirl, I'm shocked!

I owe all of my faithful readers the biggest apology ever. I can’t really blame anything for my absence other than lack of inspiration. I’m not defeated like I was last cycle– the only girl I disliked was Kacey and she’s not like a Tahlia or a Trangelea– but I sit down to write about this show and then I think of ALT reading his imaginary Vogue where Malaysia’s ass picture is editorial and I feel nauseous, and then much side tracking takes place. I also started a new job, which is a nice change, but it still takes up a lot of time. SO… This is going to be the longest fucking entry ever… WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON!

First things first… I know I mentioned her on my brief Diane entry but I love this GIF so let’s talk about Anamaria some more-

Robbed. And accused of having an eating disorder. By Diane Von Fursternberg, no less! The same Diane Von Furstenberg who has cast models Sigrid Agren and Olga Sherer in her shows THIS VERY RUNWAY SEASON, both of whom make Anamaria look like Whitney Cunningham. Is she thin? Yes, but not uncomfortably so and damn if the point of fashion isn’t to be thin. 71 year old Veruschka just recently walked in a fashion show, but you can bet your Botox that if Veruschka had turned into Marlon Brando, the only place she’d be walking was to the refrigerator. Embrace it. Thin is quintessential to fashion.

And telling someone to eat an avocado and some bread with butter is probably the worst advice I’ve ever heard. Not to mention a waste of an avocado when it gets puked up.

Back to Diane for a moment– I know I called her a hypocrite above but damn if she isn’t the cutest. She gave all sorts of inspirational commentary about how being free will allow you to fly all while not sounding like a pretentious douche who makes up words to sound cool (glares at ALT), plus this, of course:

Bahahaha, no ‘We are the world and are single-handedly going to stop bullying’ circle for Von Fabulous. No sir. Perhaps she saw how well Tyra’s quest to maintain childhood innocence worked out when Cycle 12′s Tahlia got knocked up at the end of the cycle and refuses to be part of such a dismal joke of a cause.

Hey guys, did you know that Esther has 30Gs?!

(I know I posted that one before too… This was initially going to replace the Diane von Fabulous entry but I hate deleting posts with comments so here it is again, in case you forgot what a sick fuck Nigel is)

Yes Nigel. I was serious. Now, you’ve had your pervy moment and I’m the only one who is allowed to talk about Esther’s funbags from now on.

Also in episode 1, we learned that Ann’s ideal man is a 60 year old, fire spitting hobo/warlock who likes to eat sushi and that Kacey looks really fucking stupid on an elevated runway-

Oh hell yes... Put on that party dress.

Sarah managed to psych everyone out and have us believe that maybe she was sticking around because she looked like Claudia Schiffer’s CLONE in the runway show-

But of course, Tyra bleached her eyebrows off and turned her into a Neanderthal, so that was not to be.

Onto the photoshoot… Bullying. The girls had to hone in on something that they’d been made fun of for and have it scrawled all over them in red. To counteract this sheer smackdown of ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’, they had to take their bully word and make it into something positive.

I loved the assumption that every single one of these girls was picked on. Hey, most of these bitches are hotter than I am and I can honestly say that I’ve got nothing for a bully word. ‘Shops at Old Navy while the rest of us baby prostitutes are at Delias’ doesn’t really have a great ring to it but it’s the best I’ve got. I think my ‘positive spin’ to that would be ‘Isn’t a drunk whore’.

I’ll do a formal ranking of the photos in a separate post because if I do them now, this will literally stretch on for days. Photos to follow. Got it? Cool!

In retrospect, only three of the bullying photos were anything special, so I’ll talk about those 3 girls here and hopefully find a way to talk about the others over the course of the other photoshoots. Wee, format changes a go go!

Everyone knows by now that Ann the Marfan Giant had a monopoly over the first five photoshoots– receiving first call outs for all of them and, of course, she faced major backlash for that. I personally thought she deserved it for the first two and didn’t dislike the other 3 that she was lauded for. Her glory days ended with a still-good third call out at the famous designers photoshoot (unpopular opinion was that I actually liked the results of that) and then she came crashing down, literally:

I crack me up.

With the commercial. Ouch. My tailbone hurts whenever I watch that GIF.

The jury is out on Ann… Her backlash has gone down exponentially now that the judges aren’t automatically showering her in FCOs, but a lot of people don’t see how she can lose this. It would be SO like the judges to lather her with praise and then break her down in the double elimination…

Oh, what are you pouting about? I was wrong!

Awwww, Ann… I love you! She gets called Annwardus Supremus on one of my forums and I can’t help but think of her as that… and sometimes I call her ANN!!!!!!!!!#!@#@%@#@!@!!! as a way of showing my appreciation for her. Also in Ann news… This bitch went to the Versace go-see and was deemed bookable. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE! It also helps that her statue photo is my favorite of the cycle. Final consensus on the gentle giant- Yes, you may win this, even though you do sound like you’re weeping in every fucking confessional.

And, if Ann wins, it means that Tyra had to do media damage control before the cycle even started for her winner! That makes Ann even more exponentially awesome in my eyes! Causing controversy before this shit even starts!

So now, we move onto Kayla, who is the muff diver of the cycle. She’s hoping to use this to gain a place on Tyra’s Diverse Wall of Winners. Of course, the sob story ALWAYS has backlash, and I’m usually down but I actually am aboard the Kayla train. Call me crazy, but I actually find her endearing when she’s worrying about interacting with boys. I much prefer it to her insulting people for not looking ‘high feshun’ when she herself has short legs… and, I hate to say it, a decidedly pedestrian face.

With that being said… Kayla has taken some great pictures this cycle.  She’s gotten something like three second call outs from me, as well as two (undeserved) first call outs from the judges, and on top of that… SHE KNOWS THIS GAME. During the commercial, she broke down to Mr. Jay about being sexually abused when she was 11 and living with a deep fear of the opposite sex, present company excluded I guess since he’s glowing orange and silver-

She tearfully told him that she’d never told anybody and that he was the only one who knew. NOT ANYMORE HE ISN’T! Bam, Kayla just converted thousands with her tears. Now, like I said… Kayla’s sob story doesn’t have the usual effect on me, so I like her in spite of it. Plus-

If she takes a shot like that, she can be teary eyed about having an unprotected gangbang at a Redbull ranked school for all I care.

At the time of this entry, Kayla is in the top 4, and she’s easily the least deserving for me, but I’m not sad she made it as far as she did. I won’t be quite as happy if she wins.

(!!!!!!!!!! SQUEE, SHE’S OUT!)

Last in the ‘great bullying photos’, we have Chelsey, whose bullying picture is positively ghoulish and a great piece of evidence that greatness can be achieved by doing little more than standing still (see: Marjorie’s windmill shot, Teyona’s Immigrant). Chelsey’s makeover still makes me cringe– she had her two front teeth shaved down to widen the gap she already had-

Squick.

This does make her more fashionably appealing considering that top models Lara Stone and (ew) Lindsay Wixon have gaps, but it also seems like a fucking IDIOTIC procedure to even suggest considering how short a shelf life an actual supermodel has, let alone a contestant on ANTM. Also worth noting– Chelsey has been edited to be jealous of Ann and disdainful of Liz, but I don’t think I buy it… Ever since Kacey’s departure, the editors have been scrambling for a bitch edit and it’s hard to find.

My favorite part about Chelsey is how red-faced she gets every time they find out they’re going to meet a famous designer. As for her modeling prowess… Wellll, my interest in Chelsey has waned considerably. She still has some die-hard fans who have wanted her to win from the beginning, but she’s doing a consistently average job week by week for me, plus her bleached blonde hair is starting to look hella brassy and I’m not seeing this ‘freshness’ thing everyone else is still talking about.

Chelsey is also in the top 4, and I don’t want her to win, but if she did, it wouldn’t be a huge injustice or anything. I just currently have more love for Ann and Jane.

Yeah, well same to you… bitch.

With week 2, we had a bizarre photoshoot that, when leaked, made everyone think that the shots were perhaps just well edited out-takes since they looked so damned amateurish, plus an out of panel elimination that separated the sister brigade. So, Terra left and Chris went on to become my favorite personality this show has had since Cycle 6′s Danielle Evans. I know, shocker… I was SO not on the Chris train when this all started but bitch had something. We’ll get there in just a second, I promise.

At panel, Tyra called out four names– Ann, Kayla, Chelsey and Chris. They were the only 4 who had taken even decent shots and were safe from elimination, in that order. Also, it’s worth noting that Ann, Kayla and Chelsey were called first, second and third, respectively, for the bullying shoot too.

I didn’t know this at the time, but Rhianna was being set up for elimination the following week, so despite taking a shot that I personally prefer to Chelsey’s and Chris’, she was the first called out of the ‘good group’, aka the best of the worst.

Rhianna’s elimination, the following week, was a weird one… People acted like it was one of the great injustices in ANTM history, and sure… she didn’t deserve it (Kacey did… Holy fuck, if you haven’t seen her picture yet, get ready to laugh your balls off), but for me… Rhianna wasn’t going too far anyway. She was given a filler edit, just like we’ve seen countless times. Sucks, but it has to happen, and I wouldn’t have taken her overseas anyway, so it was all a matter of time. But her fallen angel photo? Lovely. And deserving of that top 4 call-out. I wish I had a GIF or even an interesting picture of her, but I don’t so let’s move onto amazingness-

CHRIS… CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS. LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THIS BITCH. I really was expecting some sort of horrible combination of Malaysia and Trangelea when she showed up at the auditions, but she quickly proved herself to me. She was able to give confessionals that accurately described what was going on without being a twatty ho and even more surprisingly… she took some DAMN fine pictures during her stay, finishing in a shocking fifth place. She crashed and burned in Italy, to the surprise of no one, but while they were still in California, she did an amazing job, especially during the Patrick Demarchelier photoshoot. It was almost like Terra’s presence was dead weight, holding her back… because once Terra was gone, Chris blossomed.

Chris at the conveyor belt runway challenge.

<3

Oh, and Sara was eliminated. I guess I should mention that here since um… her ass is gone after this episode. Yup, she took that gorgeous runway photo but otherwise, she did nothing exciting for me. Ever.

With that, we’re at week 3 aka Swollen Potato. Since I hate Kacey and she never took a great picture, we’ll switch format briefly AGAIN and I’ll talk about her here, despite her taking the worst photo of the cycle for this week. In perhaps the second dumbest decision of the cycle, after letting Anamaria leave first, the judges actually PRAISED her for this monstrosity:

I know I said I was going to save the pictures for another entry, but REALLY?! You have to see that to believe it.

The most offensive part about the photo is that it was called second. Now, I can’t blame Kacey for that, just like Ann can’t be blamed for her five first call outs, but I can blame Kacey for being a dumb ho and screeching so loud that she shattered mine and the entire world’s ear drums when she won a runway challenge– WHICH, by the way, totally was Lexie’s victory. Hmph.

The Scream Heard Round the Planet

Pretty much everyone in the house hated Kacey, and it was made a major plot point, thanks to her messiness and general idiocy, which, if Cycle 11 was any indication of how she is now, was probably intolerable. She should have left this week over Rhianna, but I was sadly forced to look at her for two more panels. Aaaand, to cap off her uselessness, she pretty much lost her shit ENTIRELY when she was eliminated, as though her life was over. Your life must have been pretty damn shitty if your ANTM elimination is the most devastating thing to ever happen to you. It’s called perspective, eyebags, and you need some.

As for the good shots in this particular photoshoot, which is essentially a beauty shot surrounded by ocean matter and shot behind glass that gives the illusion of water, we had Annwardus Supremus, queen Chris, Kayla, Lexie and Esther.

Esther is… Esther. She has the infamous huge rack, but she ended up being pretty much a massive disappointment, providing me with little material for tit jokes! Her work ranged from stellar (this beauty shot, and the Patrick Demarchelier one) to hot mess (pretty much everything else), so it baffles me when I see people taking her further than Ann or even Kayla, who, despite her terrible body, has a much stronger body of work than Esther. She took a deserving place of 7th for a terrible commercial, but easily could have gone the week before, for me. Pretty girl, terribly uninteresting, and not the strongest model… Although I can see her doing great things post-show, as long as there’s no ANTM kitsch element involved.

Taking a distant second to Chris in the personality department… we have LEXIE. Lexie is awesome, not only because she takes the time to talk to all her fans, even the ones who comment on her statuses about her life to ask her questions about the show, but she also had zero tolerance for Kacey’s bullshit and has made it very clear, post-show, that Kacey sucks. I think she’ll be the tell-all worth reading when ANTM is over, since she seems like she’s itching to spill dirt on the whole thing.

Lexie wasn’t the best model on the show, but I love her underwater shot, even though some say she looks like she’s choking herself. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

Lexie’s crowning moment of awesome was planting a false makeover list to shake things up in the house, with the help of cohorts Rhianna and Ann. In an Academy Award winning performance, Lexie mustered up actual tears so as not to incriminate herself when she saw that she was to get a strawberry blonde afro for a makeover. There are quite a few chops out there, but this one my favorite-

Courtesy of Rich, of course.

Another great thing about Lexie is that she was always opening her mouth obscenely wide to fit food into it, resulting in a number of pornographic looking screenshots that she herself is happy about.

and

What a minx.

Her presence, after elimination in the following photoshoot, was missed, simply because nobody else even took the time to argue with Kacey, and the editors had to turn Chelsey into this bizarre not-bitch otherwise the catty factor would have been at an all-time low.

Final thought on Week 3- Although Kendal didn’t take a particularly strong shot for me, she did give the best quote of the cycle since her ‘I don’t like semen on my hand’, when she said that their impending photoshoot was scary because, ‘For one, I don’t like seafood’.

Moving on-

Week 4- Lucha va Voom. Also referred to as ‘the wrestling shoot’, or ‘the biggest fucking tranny mess I’ve ever seen’, for some of the more candid ANTM fans.

Not a big week to report on… Best shot was Chelsey’s, by far, because she managed to embrace how camp the whole brief was and deliver something that was so wrong that it was AWESOME.

It was this week that Jane’s cult (which I wasn’t yet a member of), really took a huge hit to their egos. Their princess, who had taken ‘the best shot of the week!!@!’ when the photos leaked, was slapped in the bottom 2 for looking pornographic. My TV cut out during most of panel, but apparently Nigel did some obscene imitation of Jane’s spread-eagled pose. Squick.

Week 5- Rodeo Drive. A great week, because we got to be rid of Kacey and the girls were shot by Patrick Demarchelier, who is a pretty bad-ass old pervert-

For me, he took some of the cycle’s best shots with Jane and Chris, and Kendal delivered too. So, <3 for Chris and… onto the two hottest girls of the cycle!

Kendal impressed me early on with her dislike of semen. I knew she had no chance in hell at this, thanks to looking like a less prehistoric version of Krista, but when Tyra gave her that Naomi Campbell weave, Kendal transformed into Krista Jr and became Babe Central. She’s truly one of the most stunning creatures this show has ever seen. When the designer photos were leaked (the following panel), I knew her elimination was inevitable (her picture simply isn’t ANTM fierce), but it still saddened me that someone so stunning would be axed. The overseas group could have swapped out Liz for Kendal, and it would have been perfect, for me.

She was, sadly, not given much screen time, but she gave us a few ‘blink and you’ll miss them’ gems, such as her agitated expression and slight cower at Kacey’s ear-piercing challenge win scream-

Seriously, she’s priceless there. She’s just like ‘Bitch, outta my face’.

Now also seems like a good time to mention that Raina, from Cycle 14, recently wrote this obnoxious blog post about the Cycle 15 girls, all of whom pretty much wipe the floor with her boxy frame, and she said that Kendal needed to buy a bag of energy and she would ‘have it’. If Kendal bought a bag of energy, Raina wouldn’t ever be booked for anything again because Kendal is hot… and Raina looks like a box.

Erm, right. Sorry. Side rant– Fake bitchery is perhaps the most annoying thing on the planet. If you have a problem with someone or something, just say it rather than blinking your big eyes and acting simperingly sweet. You’re doing nobody any favors. Yes, Amanda no longer likes Raina.

Time to get THAT bad taste out of my mouth and move onto the stunning Jane.

Ahhhhhhhhh, my love.

I know I said I was going to wait to upload the photos, but you can deal with seeing that twice. Seriously… cutest makeover photo of all time.

I was hesitant to get aboard her love train, because they are an OBSESSED bunch, but I figured that I already had high hopes for her (see my first blog post about cycle 15, where she was my 2nd favorite from the start) and I may as well hop on. Seriously, Jane is this beautiful combination of Natasha Poly and Magdalena Frackowiak which immediately makes her bookable considering the bounty of work those two are getting… but unlike Chelsey, Jane is a blank canvas and her look will translate through multiple seasons.

She’s been criticized by the judges for having no personality, which is generally the kiss of death on ANTM, but it’s the top 4 and she’s still kicking. If miracles can happen, Jane will pull a Nicole Linkletter on us, get the first call out in the penultimate episode, and win the whole thing. Farfetched? Maybe. Can I dream? Yes, I can.

(Sad. But hey, it was a nice thought)

Now, a cycle 15 unpopular opinion: The fashion designers photoshoot (in week 6, which we’re at now) was a great idea, and well executed. They could have chosen some better designers, since bouncy Betsey Johnson is a lot easier than Christophe Decarnin, but… I still like it, overall. None of the girls had anything on Iris Strubegger who did an entire editorial based on this very concept:

Iris as Karl Lagerfeld.

… but most of the shots were pretty good. It also helps that they were shot by cute as a button Francesco Carrozzini, Franca Sozzani’s hot son:

And that leaves us with just one contestant… Liz. This bitch… Bah. I knew I’d have problems with her because of the whole ‘I don’t have any money, but I’m going to go on ANTM’ thing, but I didn’t realize what a whiner she’d be. Her designer photo is stellar though… easily the best of the week, although playing John Galliano shouldn’t be too hard since Liz isn’t all that feminine-

Whenever I looked at her, I kind of expected her to smell sweaty, or maybe like a really nasty floral deodorant. It’s quite telling that she didn’t take a photo even worth mentioning until the top 8.

And then, even yuckier, she was all immature in her post-show interview and acted like she’d been edited wrong when the whole damn interview REEKED of making up excuses for your piss-poor performance. TAKE RESPONSBILITY FOR YO SELF, LIZ.

So, that’s all the girls in a nutshell… Did anyone else notice that nobody got a nickname this cycle? What the fuck… I guess my procrastination really did hurt the quality of my writing. The photoshoots, to be honest, have been relatively uneventful. No appearances by Super Smize or anything, probably to try and retain an iota of credibility for this ‘elevated’ cycle. Pushing on with the rest-

The commercial came, as usual, in the top 7, casting out Tits McGee Esther and landing Ann her first bottom 2. Rather than the usual Covergirl abomination, they did a commercial on ROLLERSKATES for something Tyra made up called H2T water. Remember when I said they were trying to remain credible? I may have lied.

I would have sucked BALLS at this seeing as how I could never do much good on skates and generally just camped out by the CD player. The results were, as expected, pretty ridiculous… with only Chris excelling and Jane saying ‘eep’ a lot. She’s so cute.

Onto Italy they went!

One of my favorite GIFs ever came in this episode when Tyra told the girls that they were going to Venice:

That, coupled with Miss. J’s ‘Damn, it smells like ass up in here‘, courtesy of fourfour, had me audibly snorting for like 5 minutes, legit.

The photoshoot was a group shot in a gondola, and it was hilariously divided up into ‘Plausible models’ and ‘Hot messes’ consisting of Ann/Chelsey/Jane and Kayla/Chris/Liz, respectively.

Jane's hotness

Kayla snagged the first call out and complaining ass Liz went home.

Also strange– The girls were swathed in Missoni designs from the winter collection:

These were CLEARLY made of heavy materials seeing as how Chelsey almost keeled over and died during judging. Still not sure what the point of that was, since, although Margherita Missoni was guest judging but probably wouldn’t have cared if they showed up in regular clothes since half of the girls have a better shot of hell freezing over than walking in a Missoni show.

The next week… GO SEES!

What a mess those ended up being, since Chelsey was the only one who could make it to more than one, but still only ended up getting booked by one client. You could tell that Tyra was ITCHING to be like I CAN MAKE IT TO 504384 GO-SEES, WEARING A PEG LEG IN 4 HOURS, but to keep up appearances, she kept her yap shut. The most exciting part of the whole episode was Annwardus being told she was suitable for both runway and print for Versace. Yes, VERSACE. I like to affectionately refer to Ann and Versace as friends; for example:

‘Versace, Raina said I wasn’t confident enough to be a model,’ Ann said, nearly bursting into tears, as usual.

‘Raina is a box and nobody cares about her.’ Versace patted Ann’s head affectionately. ‘She probably pronounces my name like Ver-Sayce.’

Coupled with my favorite photo of the cycle, and suddenly, I was all aboard the Ann train, since it was clear that my hottie Jane wasn’t taking this thanks to a bottom 2 about her lack of personality. Piss on that.

Despite my euphoria about Ann, Chris went home this episode too, which sucked.

AND NOW, WE ARE FINALLY CURRENT. It took a long time, but we made it. As is now the norm for ANTM… a dreaded double elimination took place in the top 4. I really do hate this because the 4th place eliminations have cut dead weight on numerous occasions– think Cycles 1, 3, 6, 9 and 10, but because they’re literally chopping the contenders in half, someone amazing usually gets the cut along the way. See: Erin, Cycle 13 and Alexandra, Cycle 14. We can now add Jane to the list, sadly. In a shocking twist though, Jane is so hot that she actually made Tyra make sense. The elimination of her and Kayla essentially went like this-

‘Kayla, you should try acting. Bye. Jane, you have such amazing bone structure and I think you should get an agency and test, test, test and you’ll make so much money!’

As for the brief… This week, Tyra added ‘director’ to her resume and did this kinky motion editorial of the girls whippin they hair back and forth, moving seductively around a ballroom and garden and then erotically whispering their name at the camera. Most found it cheesy… I thought it was amazing. Jane looked every bit the part of a model:

She makes me question my sexuality.

Kayla looked like Zoe from Zoom:

Come on and Zoom!

Chelsey looked a little bit like a drug addict:

Requiem for a Chelsey

and the Annwardus actually managed to pull off sexy, despite being all gawky and angular:

No personality, my ass

As for Franca… I had high hopes that she’d show up and be like CHELSEY, YOUR GAP IS TOO BIG… KAYLA, YOU ARE LIKE DINOSAUR… ANN AND JANE, YOU COME WITH ZE FRANCA AND MEISEL WILL TAKE PICTURES but sadly, she was polite and her best comment was what appeared to be a mumbled ‘creepy’ about Kayla.

Awww, love Franca… even if she did say that Jane’s face didn’t have enough character.

SO!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations (!!!!!!) if you actually sat through this whole thing. I really wish I had a better reason for not recapping week by week, but I don’t, and I feel bad about that so I hope this is a captivating enough consolation prize for those who have checked up every week on me. The photos will probably be up sometime next week (It’s my birthday on Saturday, so I won’t be able to do them then!) and I look forward to sassing over them for you all.

And really… does anyone totally not delusional think Chelsey can actually win this over Ann? Chelsey has the far superior runway walk but you’d think they’d have thrown her the first call out for the motion editorial if she was to win this. Nope, instead… Ann breaks ANTM history again with a sixth first call out. Take it home, mama.

Please rest assured that an epic post is coming your way ASAP.

I was, overall, quite impressed by this episode. Maybe not as much as Nigel was by Esther’s tig ole bitties, but still impressed.

HOWEVER… HQ versions of the faux-tos are nowhere to be found and what is the fucking point of recapping without them?!

First things first-

This bitch was robbed. And she doesn’t have an eating disorder just because she’s on a calorie restricted diet. Who the hell are we to judge her when all we see is selective editing? Skinny? Fuck yes. But not necessarily suffering from a problem. And Tyra telling her to eat some bread and butter and avocado was pretty ridiculous.

Love her. She didn’t need to throw out a bunch of pretentious sounding made up French bullshit– I’m still not sold on ALT who brought back ‘gauche’ when describing Jane– because she was able to effortlessly class up the panel without even trying. And when Tyra couldn’t hold back any longer and splooged about ‘inspiring young girls’, Diane quickly moved her hand out of the WE ARE THE WORLD prayer circle that Tyra, ALT and Nigel were making. I love that despite being on the show, she knows she’s above it.

HOWEVER… Her whole song and dance to Anamaria about beauty being health was bullshit because both Olga Sherer and Sigrid Agren have walked for Diane’s runway shows despite making Anamaria look like Whitney Thompson. Although I suppose rabid hypocrisy is to be expected even from fashion elite. This IS ANTM, after all.

Anyway, I really do want to recap this episode, but without the photos… it feels very bare bones. Plus, I worked all weekend and my brain is fried!

Cycle 15 literally came out of nowhere! I was in the middle of writing a post about Australia’s and found out that the premiere was on in four hours! Color me surprised.

Maybe it’s because I wasn’t invested in those bizarrely cropped pre-show photos but now I finally feel like I can give at least SOME witty banter about each of the girls thanks to auditions and all of that.

Before I go there though… Can I just say that I find it really hilarious that after 14 cycles, ANTM is finally trying to legitimize itself? It’s like ‘Uh, we’re sorry about pretending that Seventeen and a Covergirl shot that was put in roughly zero stores nationwide would launch a career, so we’re changing shit up!’ Although, finally, the winner of this show has something more than handful of cheesy prizes to look forward to. Whoever wins may not be the next Sasha Pivovarova, but not everyone can say they had a spread in Vogue Italia.

So, I’m going to recap the girls, starting with my least favorite and working up-

Sara-

Uh yeah, no I don’t. The title of this entry is dedicated to Sara and her only notable contribution to my ANTM life as of yet– Posting an angry Facebook status about ‘jelous bloggers’ hating on her for pursuing her dream. I often wonder, when people use the whole ‘I’m following my dream’ thing, what the fuck show these girls are watching. They didn’t know that this cycle was actually going to have decent prizes when they signed up! Yes, following the dream of being, for the most part, unemployed? How ambitious of you!

On top of her poor spelling skills, Sara seems like one of those people who doesn’t know when too much is enough. She came in to her audition with this scary, thundering voice to deliver a rap that literally just meshed together and sounded like roaring. She will either be out first for being as boring as dry toast or she’ll make it way too far.

She gets the slightest props for choosing Diet Coke as her survival item on a desert island.

Kacey-

This bitch was back for all of five minutes and she started stirring shit up, talking about how Jordan (the most repulsive semi-finalist of all time, btw) didn’t want to be there and then pinning the very concept on Lexie. Hating on Lexie is a sin punishable by death, first of all… but I do like drama, so it wasn’t necessarily the way this all went down that turned me off but REALLY?! YOU SAY YOU’VE MATURED AND THIS IS HOW WE START THINGS?

I see Kacey as a video hoe with nice cheekbones. She’s attractive, but she’s not special. The judges have already sealed her fate by talking about her massive eye bags (not to be confused with Esther’s funbags!) and how aged she looks, and usually that shit is saved for a few episodes in. Can’t say I’ll miss her when she’s gone!

Final thoughts on this bitch– We didn’t want her in Cycle 11 when she was making comments about Isis’ penis (LOVED when Miss. J saw her and was all ‘Your boyfriend just texted me… He’s out with Isis!’ By far his funniest joke in legit years) so why would we want her in a Vogue cycle? Don’t let the door hit you on the eyebag, Kacey.

Hoo child.

Terra-

She’s the older and more jank of the sister gimmick. They collectively remind me a bit of Jack’ee Harvey, the mom from Sister, Sister. Color me stone faced, but I’m over their whole act already. You can’t tell me that there aren’t some funny sisters out there that actually look like models.

I just look at this and see a cousin of ShaRaun… Gross. She was called last into the house at the semi-finals and when her name was finally called, she and her sister about shit the bed freaking out. Wait, didn’t you both say that it didn’t matter if you both made it? So much drama. So over it.

Lastly, whenever I look at pictures of Terra, I think of Tyra mimicking Krista’s vampire picture and saying ‘I smell dookie’. I think that says it all when it comes to Terra.

Chris-

Hardly an upgrade from her sister, but I can see her being stronger in the inevitable side by side comparisons that will come fast and loose until their eliminations. Is it bad that I am DYING to see them in a double elimination together? Preferably with Rhianna: ‘Chris, you may have beaten Rhianna….. *long pause* at the challenge, but you and your sister are eliminated’.

I didn’t follow that whole ‘tick tick flash’ thing or whatever she was going on about in their audition and would be hard pressed to tell you what it all meant because I was pretty much already cross eyed from the whole ordeal. Boo hiss, Amanda’s a hater.

Also, check this hot picture out!

GIVE HER THE PRIZE ALREADY, Y’ALL!

Liz-

HUGE problems with this one right from the start. To all my welfare receiving fans out there, stop reading this shit and get a job because you’re going to hate me by the time I’m done dissecting Liz.

She admits to receiving food stamps and government assistance, which I take huge offense to, kid or not, because she COULD stop getting piercings and buying gladiator sandals AND GOING ON A CRAPPY REALITY TV SHOW and then she wouldn’t need to take freebies from tax payers. WORST OF ALL… Tyra tells her that admitting she’s a mooching slug is ‘noble’. This is the same woman who practically sneers at anyone with an education. Oh, piss on you for going to an Ivy League school but GO FOOD STAMPS. I work at a shitty fast food job too and it pisses me off to know that my deductions are going to people like Liz.

Plus, she looks like Prince.

Rhianna-

So, she was my ultimate dead last pick because she reminds me of this bitch that my former roommate used to bang and said bitch was effing disgusting… We all called her Slut Tits behind her back because she was just dough faced and repugnant to boot. A few things have boosted Rhianna in my opinion though…

1. She registered on RTVGames as ‘Antmdirtysanchez’… That is so boldly profane and disgusting that I can’t help but admire her for it.

2. This chick can pose… Tyra told her to pose like a weeping willow and she sunk into this fantastic representation without having to be like IS DIS FIERCE?!

3. Her body is as great as her face is gross. I still don’t like her ill attempt at Blossom what with all those hats but I’m almost willing to forgive it because she is tall and thin.

Tyra wants to call her ‘Willow’ thanks to that aforementioned imitation of a willow tree that she did. Since I doubt I’m going to get any Rhianna/Chris jokes out of this cycle, I will potentially be embracing this. Either that or she’s Dirty Sanchez.

Lexie-

After reading her posts on RTVGames and formspring, I can safely say that this is one cool chick. I would love to put her higher but I can’t embrace her look just yet. She’s still a little too long faced, although she does appear to have all of her chromosomes– what a pleasant surprise!

I dig that she’s gracious to fans… In the above GIF, that middle finger is to Cycle 7′s Melrose for being a snot nosed fuck face to ANTM worshippers. I love this.

Lexie got kind of a stealth bitch edit in the first episode, but I wasn’t too perturbed by this. So she hated that blockhead semi finalist Jordan? Dude, so did everyone with a brain. I’m anxious to see where she goes from here for me.

Ann-

Ann both terrifies and annoys me, but I do have some hope for her. She is one of those quintessential weird girls– All dreary, stoned sounding voice, kind of like Nicole Fox only about 40938492304 times less hot. I suspect that she has Marfan syndrome, actually. No offense intended.

Ann caused controversy because Tyra ‘Kiss my fat ass!’ Banks was all googly eyed over Ann’s tiny waist (reportedly the smallest in the world?), which caused all the ‘Obese is beautiful too!’ people to get up on their high horses and act disgraced by the very notion that someone tall and thin was trying to be a model. The horror.

For real though… Ann needs a lot of work. And 6’2 is hella tall– I know that Karlie Kloss is 6’0, and Tiiu Kuik is 6’1 but I can’t think of any models that are 6’2. When you’re already a giant, that one inch makes a difference.

Kayla-

I can already see my love for her rising exponentially (especially after seeing the preview for episode 2… She makes my heart flutter a little bit). I loved that she came into the audition with ramen noodle hair. The fact that she couldn’t walk in the room without making a wrong turn plus her white blonde hair kind of reminded me of Anya, which is ALWAYS a wonderful thing.

And, she also is the first sob story of the cycle! I totally stole this from RTVGames but it’s so funny that I had to-

Apparently our curly haired little pumpkin slept in a sleeping bag until she was 13 because her mom was poor. She should have taken a page out of Liz’s book and stolen my tax dollars. Oh wait, fuck everyone who does that.

Esther-

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS!

BOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBS

What else is there to say about her except that she’s super pretty and owns amazing bras? My guess right now is that she’ll be praised initially for keeping the puppies under control but will then be eliminated for being too busty. As if her tits grew four cup sizes during the show.

Kendal-

She has probably the smallest chance of winning thanks to looking like a less prehistoric version of Krista from last cycle.

They really are alike– Krista voiced her disdain with white penises in her audition and Kendal hates semen. No, really. Tyra asked her why, at 23, she was still a virgin, and here I am expecting this religious answer and then she says she hates splooge. And she likes cuddlin’.

Simple solution is to a) stop giving handjobs and have sex with a condom or b) consider lesbianism.

Anamaria-

Thanks to her invisi-edit… I can’t find a GIF of her ANYWHERE so here’s a closeup of her shot with Chelsey during the semi-finals

I am seriously hoping that she doesn’t die on the elevated runway seen on the preview for next episode and that she is a stealthy bitch. I am crazy about her face and she is one of the thinnest girls there (rest assured, that’s a good thing coming from me and I have no intentions of shunning her for that). She, for some reason, was practically invisible during the first episode though, so we can only hope that this isn’t a sign of a no personality edit.

I also asked her about her favorite models and she mentioned Karina Gubanova which is a sure sign that this chick actually follows fashion. Rather than the standard ‘Gisele/Adriana/OMG TYRA BANKZZZZ’ answer, she gave someone who isn’t even on Models.com

Jane-

Erm, another one that is GIF-less. Interesting that my top 3 (because the same is true for Chelsey) didn’t have any GIF moments.

Doomed before the show has even begun. Despite sporting an absolutely beautiful jaw and rock hard abdominal muscles… Tyra hates her for going to Princeton and having a barn with horses. Check it out– Food stamps are noble, but going to Princeton is worth curling your lip at. Total bullshit. This is the same edit as Victoria, Katarzyna and Natalie. It sucks, because she’s gorgeous (although hugely overrated by my forum– The sun does NOT shine out of her ass!) and I hope she makes it far.

Also, it’s worth mentioning that Jane (and Kendal!) were both scouted via Tyra.Com, which just might work in Jane’s favor since Tyra will be all I FOUND YOU ON MY WEBSITE AND I AM DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SUCCESS YOU HAVE. Don’t think it will work with Kendal because of the whole Krista’s little sister thing I mentioned above!

Chelsey-

If there is any justice on this planet… Here’s our winner.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s address some shit stains on this premiere episode-

-The opening. Tyra is dressed up like a school girl and is re-enacting her model voyage, all while talking about Italian Vogue as though she was one of Franca’s regulars. I promise to never make fun of this show again if there’s a conversation like this one:

Tyra- This isn’t Italian Vogue at all…

Hamster- HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?!

Also, I am taking bets now about whether Tyra will appear in the Vogue Italia spread, like she does in the winner photos. It’ll be her way of saying LOOK Y’ALL, I WAS IN VOGUE ITALIA.

-The diary debacle. This was so irrelevant seeing as how it involved two girls who didn’t even make it into the house. Basically, this bumpkin named Emily gave the requisite confessional about being from a small town and therefore sheltered. Can you say racist edit?! Surprise surprise… Another reject named De’Yana (I wonder if she and Spontaniouse knew each other!) totally broke one of the cardinal rules and read Emily’s diary which apparently contained a blurb about ‘having to share a room with a black girl. Ew’.

Oh, give me a fucking break. First of all… Don’t read someone’s diary. Kind of like don’t read someone’s text messages because they might be talking about what a fuck you are. But really… both of them suck. Don’t say ‘ew’ when talking about someone’s race, even if you’re not racist and just an idiot.

-Vanessa and Jordan. Vanessa, to me (and Tyra!), looked like Megan Fox. She was about as helpful to this episode as Megan is to the film industry.

Jordan, however, makes Vanessa look like Mother Theresa, possibly even in a diva kind of way. She is, without question, the most utterly repulsive semi-finalist they’ve ever had. One of my ultimate least favorite things on this planet is hipster emo bitches who shun anything mainstream and whinge incessantly about how different they are. YET HERE YOU ARE ON A FUCKING CW SHOW, CRYING YOUR EYES OUT WHEN YOU’RE REJECTED AFTER COMPLAINING ALL CYCLE ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU DON’T WANT THIS AND HOW EVERYONE IS SOO INFLUENCED BY POP CULTURE. I WISH YOU WOULD BE INFLUENCED BY THE RULES OF HYGIENE AND TAKE A SHOWER.

Beyond heinous.

And I loved that Lexie and Jordan had to be partners for the ‘direct competition’ part of the episode. (POSE WITH THE PERSON MOST LIKELY TO BE YOUR COMPETITION AND OUTSHINE THEM!) Whoa, poor Lexie. Being likened to Jordan is just offensive. I did think it was great when Mr. Jay was like ‘Jordan is trying to be sexy with you, and you’re not having it!’ to Lexie. Uh, kudos Lex. I wouldn’t touch that scabby bitch with a twenty one and a half foot pole.

And there you have it. Cycle 15 is upon us and I already like it more than Cycle 14! Here’s hoping to more excellence for the rest of the cycle!