My ANTM Addiction Starts Here

The most notable moment of this episode was Erin’s ’song’ about the remaining girls:

‘MY NAME IS NICOLE AND I LIKE ART

MY NAME IS JENNIFER AND I LOVE TO FART

MY NAME IS LAURA AND I’VE HAIR LIKE A POODLE

MY NAME IS SUNDAI AND I LOVE NOODLES

MY NAME IS BRITTANY AND I LIKE MATH

MY NAME IS ERIN AND I KICK ASS’

This brings to light some interesting concepts. Are we being denied some serious Jennifer fartage? Why was Sundai so thrilled to be told she likes noodles? This isn’t the first time she and noodles have been put together, so I’m wondering if there’s some sort of sexual relationship going on? Also, Erin, you are such a poignant lyricist. Just sayin.

It’s all, honestly, downhill from here. I know I say that every week but this week was boring in addition to having a bullshit elimination. The girls went to Hawaii, because apparently they’re not special enough to go to a foreign country. Erin won the challenge, which was some mundane surfing thing, and she got a tour of Hawaii but bitched that it wasn’t as good as jewelry. Sundai was called out on her ‘one look’, which by the way, isn’t even cute, but then was praised for looking like a ‘fierce twelve year old’. I invite you all to look back at the uber-amazing Allison ‘Creepychan’ Harvard from the previous cycle, who was bottom 2′d for looking the same in every photo. Unlike Sundai, whose hair looked randomly different this episode, and better, Allison’s look was actually relevant and fashion-forward. BULLSHIT. She delivered another sub-par shot while Brittany and Erin, who took the second and third best shots of the panel, respectively, were bottom 2′d.

Ew.

So, that leaves us with Nicole, Jennifer, Laura, Erin and Sundai. Considering that people were convinced Brittany could pull a surprising win, the possible winner is now up in the air. Jay Manuel recently said that the winner was ’surprising’. So, since there’s really nothing of coincidence to report about, I’ll speculate a bit-

Why each girl would be a surprising winner-

Nicole- An actual deserving winner. Consistently hot pictures, tallest girl which goes against the purpose of a ’short cycle’ ultimately.

Jennifer- Wouldn’t really be surprising. Only thing I can come up with is that she’d be the first one to get a first call out at the first commercial week, which hasn’t happened yet.

Erin- Getting a major bitch edit on top of a brat edit.

Sundai- Is heinously mediocre and her call out reflects this

Laura- Country bumpkin to the max. Goes beyond having an accent and stuff.

Likewise, why each girl could win-

Nicole- For the same reason that she’d be a surprising choice. She’s ridiculously kickass. Also, I feel as though we’re getting prepped for a repeat of last cycle, with the first call outs alternating between her and Jennifer (like they were with Allison and Teyona).

Jennifer- She’d be a nice addition to Tyra’s multi-cultural winners collection. As much as she has irritated me, her win wouldn’t be totally heinous.

Erin- She’s a bit of a Melrose… Overachiever, ridiculously hard on herself. Also, Tyra clearly likes her seeing as how Erin literally looked Tyra in the eye and called her out on bullshit (which was cool. In short, Tyra was the photographer again this week and said that Erin was so dynamic and awesome the first time she shot her, and that she was meh this week. Erin was all ‘UH, YOU SAID I HAD NO PERSONALITY THE FIRST TIME, SO I WAS DIFFERENT’. So kickass) and didn’t get eliminated.

Sundai- As the shortest girl, her win would be the most appropriate if Tyra is serious about embracing shortness.

Laura- Would easily be one of the most lovable winners.

In conclusion, Sundai needs to get the fuck out. Being kept around because you’re the shortest and you look like a Baby gap model= NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I guess we know which girl is up Nigel’s ass this week. Sundai, apparently, can give a hell of a beej.

The photoshoot was, as I said before, shot by Tyra. Guess budget cuts are really getting the best out of them. Laura was sunburned from the surfing challenge the day before, Erin knew nothing about Tibet except that it ‘needs to be freed’ and the concept was, as most have been so far this cycle, pretty kickass. The girls had to portray ‘Hapa’, which is the Hawaiian word for ‘half’, or bi-racial beauties.

The original bi-racial butterfly is NOT impressed.

I’m too lazy to go through and legit morph all these races together, so I took some artistic liberties here and showed you what each girl was going for:

Laura’s Mexi-Greek:

Antonio Banderas and Uma Thurman. Hot.

Erin’s Tibetan-Egyptian-

Brad Pitt and Aishwarya Rai. Oh come on, remember Seven Years in Tibet. Best I could do.

Sundai’s Moroccan-Russian:

YOU DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS MOROCCAN Alicia Keys and the always fierce Vladimir Putin

Brittany’s East Indian/Native American-

Jessica Alba, the picture of multi-culturalism and Al Pacino, who is obviously Native American (or because Kevin Costner, Emile Hirsch, Sean Penn and Marlon Brando weren’t on Morphthing)

Jennifer’s Botswanan/Polynesian-

Rachel ‘I’m not from Botswana, I just helped them in The Constant Gardener’ Weisz and Alfonso ‘My middle name is Lincoln’ Ribeiro

Nicole’s Japanese/Madagascan-

The legit Japanese Mao Zedong and the most absurd submission of all Megan Fox!

Obviously, the photos aren’t quite on this level of awesomeness, but they’re all pretty decent.

And if anyone takes this as some sort of racial thing, blow me. Multiple times. The jury is already out about this shoot, but I loved it. Stop making mountains out of mole-hills, drama queens. K thnx.

And ultimately, two great lines that I just remembered after looking at my notes:

Tyra (to Erin, after telling her she’s survived a second bottom 2, despite acting all insecure and intimidated around Tyra on set): Just imagine me in my underwear!

Erin: That would intimidate me even more!

*****

Laura (in regards to being out in the Hawaiian sun): I’m like a lil piglet roastin in a skillet!

Next week… We can only hope Sundai’s ass is gone. But, expect major revising of ANTM history: ‘Sundai, your photo have been incredible! Nicole, you have consistently sucked! Go home!’ I’ll die. Or vomit.

Pictures will be up tomorrow <3

Apologies on the delay of this post… I couldn’t find any screengrabs until today and Youtube continues to be unhelpful by deleting everything. As of 1:31 pm EST, these clips all work:

Rae-

Jennifer-

Sundai-

Brittany-

Nicole-

Erin-

Laura-

Based on these clips, here are my rankings:

Nicole-

Okay, so listen… She and Jennifer both did an awesome job. Seriously, by far the best of the bunch. But after several rewatches, I felt like Nicole’s, despite ‘not being her real personality’ (which, by the way, C9’s Jenah was chastised for acting too much like her real self and not some bubbly, rainbow spewing mushroom like Saleisha), was REALLY cute and just slightly better than Jennifer, who, if you watch closely, looks a little stiff at places. It’s an extremely close race, but Nicole > Jennifer, and when did a little bias ever hurt anyone? =)

Jennifer-

Rest assured, Jennifer fanboys… She really did do a great job. And she’s never looked more beautiful. I thought the head bobbing (which I’m sure Nigel loved, bahahahahah) was a little over the top after I watched the commercials again. Still, first call out for this commercial is fine by me.

Brittany-

So, she’s a little stiff and lacking in the personality, but she actually looks sweet and youthful, and she has a nice presence. Most importantly, she doesn’t have any awkward gaps in her speech at all.

Laura-

I love, love, love how cute she is… She looks like this picture of Southern adorability, with her hair all wavy and billowing around her shoulders. Unfortunately, she definitely had some awkward pauses, so I can’t rank her any higher, despite thinking that the finished product was pretty good.

Rae-

She looks sort of manic in this screenshot, hahahaha. Overall, I didn’t think she did THAT bad. She sold the product well, probably because she’s so gorgeous, and yes, she had some awkward pauses, but ugh. I’m pissed she left. Her photos should have saved her. Which is more than I can say about the shitshow that is-

Sundai-

I just felt like I was watching some horrible Covergirl salesperson who will eventually need like sixteen facelifts or something. I know Sundai is young and naive and stuff, but she really bugs me… To save her ass from being elimination worthy, she needed to deliver something better than this.

Erin-

There’s really no way around it… This was bad. She’s been this high fashion darling throughout the competition and then she gets slapped with a commercial challenge and realllyyyy fucks it up badly. It makes me sad. I’m glad she wasn’t eliminated, seeing as how she didn’t deserve to go based on one slipup (though, neither did Rae) but yeah, this was shitty. Poor Erin.

New call-out scores-

Nicole (1.8)- 1/2/2/2/4/1/1

Erin (3.5)- 4/4/1/3/3/3/7

Laura (3.8)- 6/1/5/6/1/4/4

Rae (4.2)- 2/7/7/1/2/6/5

Brittany (5.2)- 9/3/11/4/5/2/3

Courtney- 5.5

Kara- 5.8

Luly- 6.6

Rachel- 7

Jennifer (7.2)- 10/11/4/10/9/5/2

Sundai (8)- 14/9/8/5/6/8/6

Ashley- 9.2

Biyanka- 10.7

Lisa- 12

=(

This episode was super boring, in true Cycle 13 fashion. So, allow me to take this time and tell you that you honestly missed nothing special if you missed the episode. Rae was eliminated, and Erin was in the bottom 2 with her- I predicted this, by the way, go me! It was truly infuriating to see two of the strongest models in the competition for not doing well on a Covergirl commercial while the all kinds of meh Sundai (yes, Sundai. Bitch is curdled and is no longer a Sundae. Seriously, all she does is talk shit about the others. In this episode, Erin was ‘obnoxious’. Giiiirl, take a look at yourself!) bounced over to the safe zone with a 4th call out. Seriously, Sundai is supposed to be a ‘commercial model’, yet she keeps failing at these commercial tests… Horrid commercial performance– she sounded like a car salesman– and she booked zero clients at the go-sees. Add in her mediocre photos and ugh, her being there just bugs. After all, she has had a bottom two appearance and no first call out, whereas Erin and Rae have both had first call outs and no bottom two appearances. I’m hoping she’s GONE next, and not dragged to the top 4 like Dominique was in Cycle 10, at the expense of a much stronger girl.

Rant over… for now, at least. Until Sundai gets booted, she will probably be the target of my wrath and Forrest can be spared. We’ll get to her in a moment.

THE HIIIIIILLLLSSS ARE ALLLLIIIIIIVVEEEE

The show really resorted back to its old tactics by having Rae tell us literally at the start of the show that she missed her daughter but knew that being here was the best thing for her. Hello, insta-bottom 2? Erin gave the second confessional and essentially admitted to being jealous of Nicole’s photos, but then quickly countered that by saying that Nicole was socially inept and that she (Erin) had the more relatable personality. Boo hiss, gray eyebrowed lady. Rae, however, seems to have gotten over the Nicole hatred, as evidenced by a head banging contest between the fierce redhead and the albino twins. Rae informs us that Nicole has a cool, weird, laidback personality.

Laura informed us all that she was severely dyslexic before the challenge which was dumb, and the worst part about it was that ANN FUCKASS SUCKETT (the editor of the most high fashion magazine ever, SEVENTEEN OMGGGGZZZ) WAS THERE TO JUDGE. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Bitch was all ‘I’m so hip, I’m so cool’, and millions everywhere got up for their daily bulimia when they saw her big ass nose… The girls had to interview some chick from 90210 using a teleprompter, and during their interview, the teleprompter ’stops working’ and produces a bunch of jumbled up shit. How amazing. When it was Laura’s turn, my first thought was ‘Awww, this poor bitch is going to think that all the words on that teleprompter are just her dyslexia!’ Erin and Jennifer did well, Laura had that whole dyslexia thing against her, and Nicole was chastised for asking the 20 year old Jessica if she had children of her own. Ann SUCKett and Co. acted like she’d just asked her if she thought abortions were a reliable form of birth control. They were all like OH, THAT WAS SO INAPPROPRIATE. SUCKett is just jealous that nobody wants to have kids with her. Erin wins the challenge, and she, Rae and Jennifer get to do a beauty shoot. Results looked pretty good.

Commercial was boring too… The girls wrote their own scripts… Erin ‘obnoxiously’ (thanks for NOTHING, Sundai) finished hers in record time. On the set, Jay introduced… Nigel? Again? Give me a break. They’re definitely utilizing this creep a lot more this cycle, but leads me to believe that people actually LIKE him *shudders*. He will apparently be the commercial di-rector. Also re-introduced is Teyona, reptilian queen and the winner of Cycle 12. Girl has NOT being eating as she is about 30% clavicle and 70% forehead. She gives a sort of sad, bland speech about how lucky the girls are that they get to do a commercial about mascara, liner AND shadow. Okay, back in your corner, Tey.

Highlights of the commercial-

-Nicole, shockingly, does really well. She also looks expectedly incredible. Nigel tells her to ’smize’. Oh fuck that shit, are they actually trying to make that legit?

-Sundai emphasizes all her words strangely. Nigel thought she was amateur. Also, the way he says ‘makeup’ is really funny. He just sounds like such a priss trying to be porny.

-Jennifer, much to my chagrin, did an excellent job. Perhaps a little bouncy, but it worked for me.

-Rae is all sorts of awkward and gets the dreaded BLAND stamp.

-Brittany is literally a robot. Also, I don’t think she’s done a confessional in weeks.

-Laura is cute, but it takes her quite a while to deliver.

-Erin fucks up, majorly. She cries and has to have her makeup re-applied FOUR TIMES (THE HORROR!), and causes his prissiness to get all irritated by her weeping. Seriously, he gets all offended by her.

Yawn. Panel time. Guest judge is Kim Kardashian, who is even more irrelevant than Lauren Conrad. Tyra gives her a super flattering intro, which shocked me, seeing as how I thought her achievements were getting pissed on by Ray J and having a fat ass. But shockingly, she was actually kind of… good. She gave constructive criticism and stuff. Apparently she’s hiding a brain beneath that thick layer of bum bum!

Highlights of panel-

-Jennifer’s commercial is expectedly masturbated over. She doesn’t catch shit for her excessive head bobbing (didn’t really bother me either, but it’s annoying that Cycle 6’s Furonda was criticized for it and Jen wasn’t. Although it’s worth noting that they both received first call outs. Maybe that’s the way to get it?)

-Nicole is told that the commercial exhibited in her commercial is nothing like her, but ‘poppin’ anyway. Second call out. Work it out, bloody eyeball.

-Laura’s dyslexia is handled like a bunny or a rainbow… Cycle 8’s Brittany was bottom 2′d for having memory loss from a friggin car crash, but Laura, probably due to a likely top 3 appearance, was scott free. Bottom 3, but decidedly spared. And Tyra didn’t even say WELL I NEVER READ FROM A TELEPROMPTER AND I ALWAYS MADE UP MY SCRIPTS GIIIRL FIERCE WORK IT SMIZE. I know. I too, was shocked.

-Brittany is told she’s too mathematical. Tyra tries to tell her that 1+1=3. Don’t ask. I don’t get it either. The other judges are like OMG TYRA, YOU’RE SO SMART. Remember when I said this show had some validity? I lied.

-Sundai’s bomb of a performance is chuckled appreciatively at. I started groaning at this point, because I knew that bitch was safe, undeservedly.

-Rae and Erin are bottom 2′d, and are all sad and hugging each other as Rae gets booted.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I feel that this is a Lauren Brie elimination. Worse, even. Lauren Brie had a couple seriously weak shots to boot her ass, but Rae only had one that I didn’t like. So yes, I knew it was only a matter of time before we had a BS elimination, and HERE IT IS. And if Sundai doesn’t go next, the next one is BS too.

Farewell albino twins!

I’m sad to see her go, since she was well… hot as hell, and delivered a number of great shots.

I wish I’d said this last week, but I officially dub this the cycle of the eyes. Also, visit Fourfour.typepad.com

Ashley- Lazy Eye

Jennifer- Wonky Eye

Also, I love Laura. She has happy eyes!

Kara- Glass Eye

Nicole- Bloody Eye

Erin and Biyanka- Eye-brows. Or lack thereof.

Sundai- Eff that bitch.

Tyra- Eyebags

Anyway, check back tomorrow for updated scores with the commercials averaged in. I’m hoping to snag some screen grabs from somewhere.

Thanks for reading yet another boring ANTM episode. Love you all, especially Brian for letting me use his albino twin GIFs <3

I don’t want to get my hopes up and think that maybe Nicole will win this thing, but damn, that girl is amazing. She totally broke the ‘awkward girls suck at go-sees’ stigma and WON, and then took the best photo, by far. I said GODDAMN, I love this chick.

In fact, I love her so much that I’m going to not rag on Jennifer at all and rather, will just focus on the positive things of the episode. Most notably-

The Go-Sees Were Awesome-

The clients actually included plausible jobs for itty bitty models. A commercial, a jewelry company, etc. Awesome things that happened during said go-sees:

-Nicole was told she was beautiful, versatile, fabulous and bookable. And she was wearing black framed nerdy glasses. Oh lawd, she is beautiful. Also, BITCH WON THE GO-SEE CHALLENGE. YESSSSS.

-Rae used a Minnesota accent for her commercial audition and it was all kinds of awesome.

-A photographer told Erin to ‘not smile with her eyes’, but to give them a little more life. Oh Tyra, did you know that your ‘advice’ is being undermined by the real world?

-Brittany put her shoes on a table at one of the clients offices and I swear to god, she shot a dog too, based on their reaction. The women in charge were like I DON’T WANT THOSE SHOES NEAR MY COLLECTION.

-Kara, who I really do like, was called scruffy and greasy. Is this mean? Yes, yes it is. But that bitch had a major case of stank this episode.

So while we’re on this matter, let’s discuss the major Mean Girls mentality in the house. Seriously, Erin looked Nicole in the eye and said ‘They just wanted to give you a win’… Whoa now. That’s not Regina George, that’s Courtney Alice Shayne. Then, Kara and Sundai started bitching about how much Nicole sucks, and Kara even went on to say that she hated Nicole. Wow, overdramatic much? So ultimately, that’s why I’m glad Kara got told she was greasy and that she and Sundai were in the bottom 2 this week… Regina and Gretchen Weiners, you’ve been served a hefty dose of karma. Also, both of their pictures sucked, and Nicole’s yet another first call out worthy shot. Yeahhhh, boyyy. Oh and, Nigel, by the way, is Karen Smith. He’s always menstruating about Nicole’s stoner voice, which honestly, is the one thing that worries me, because I’m afraid they’ll dump the YOU DON’T HAVE RAINBOWS BUBBLING OUT OF YOUR ASS bullshit on her like they’ve done to so many other amazing models. Seriously, looking at the non-success of all the past winners, you’d think that spewing rainbows would no longer be a concern. OKAY, RANT OVER.

I, uh, feel like now is a great time to tell everyone that I thought Jessica White was RuPaul when I saw her on the judging panel.

Whoops.

But actually, when I look at this photo, I understand why Furonda doesn’t have much post-show work.

Other things I learned on ANTM this week-

-Rae drives like an 80 year old.

-The Wilhelmina guy has some serious sass in him… He friggin BARKED at Rae and Sundai (who were late arriving back from their go-sees) about wasting money and all this shit. Oh, it was so funny.

-You can look really modelly in pictures, but not in person but sort of actually in person and be told you’ve never had any light in your photos even though you got a first call out in week 1. I also just realized that all three of these points have been about Rae.

-Kara apparently ’showed her beautiful face’ in week 1, despite being told by Dumbtard Nigel that she was showing too much profile, and also, Tyra thought she was going to make the top 3.

-TYRA USED TO DRIVE AROUND L.A WITH NO GPS.

-Brittany is definitely getting the ‘too sexy’ edit because they friggin BLURRED HER TITS OUT DURING KARA’S ELIMINATION. OH SNAP, LIKE 10 SECONDS AFTER TYRA TOLD HER THAT HER TOP WAS TOO LOW AND WOULD LIKE PORN ON TYRA HERSELF. THEY BLURRED OUR HER ITTY BITTY TITTIES. I’M STILL LAUGHING.

-Laura tried to do a hoodrat accent, and even though I loved her, it was really bad. Also, she doesn’t know how to use a parking meter.

-Having un-pierced ears is a sin in fashion. Just ask Kara. She seriously was like 0/4 this episode.

-Praying for 1 minute in traffic will get you back to Wilhelmina on time. I won’t tell you who said this. You can guess yourself.

-Fo has done enough to garner a Top Model in Action spot. Work it out, shortest girl of Cycle 12 who would still be taller than all these girls, bahahaha.

An update on the current edits-

Nicole- A possible winners edit. She’s being hated on by everyone except Laura. It’ll be a big eff you to them if she wins. Also, Tyra seems to like her.

Jennifer- Still a very plausible winner… Modeling through her um, eye issue.

Laura- Fun and lovable, but probably not going to be taken seriously when it comes down to crunch time.

Rae- Not modelesque enough in person.

Erin- Lacking in personality.

Sundai- Bad photos, but being kept around because she fits the mold for ‘majorly overstayed welcome’ that is so common on ANTM

Brittany- Too sexy.

Also, since the photos were leaked a week early (THANKS YAHOO TV!), I’m going to rank the links in this post (they’re pretty big, so it’s better that way), along with my updated call-out scores. I’ve made some slight tweaks. Nothing majah though.

Nicole- Homegirl was on fire this week. All three of these pictures are fantastic.

Brittany- She’s got some seriously great face going on here… She’s not looking starving or anything… nice cheekbones and eyes.

Erin- I know that I always seem to have her in perma-third (check the UPDATED CALL OUT SCORES below to see some minor tweaks) but I can’t rank this higher than the other two. I mostly like the far right photo… I think the orgasm over the middle one is a little unjustified, personally, but yet again, this is a strong, intense shot.

Laura- She’s great, of course, but this doesn’t really stand out that much for me. Nothing wrong here, but just sort of cute, and not special.

Jennifer- I like the middle one. A lot. But I don’t like the ones on the left or right at all. Resisting urge to make Forrest comments. I’m being good, but only this week, since she wasn’t heinously overrated. OKAY, MOVING ON, I SWEAR…

Rae- Same thing as Jennifer, only I don’t think her middle photo is as good as Jennifer’s. Yes, gorgeous and ethereal Rae is underperforming for me this week. She looks like she wants to spear my face.

Kara- I like the middle one a lot (I’m sensing a pattern) but the ones on the left and right are actually… pretty bad. Who knows if this is really an indication of her performance, but her pictures did go a bit… downhill.

STILL, IT IS BS THAT KARA WENT WHEN SUNDAI LIVES ON-

Sundai- Reality check for this one, plz and thanks. Every shot is the same face, the same leg, bland, bland, bland. She should have gone, major stankosity and jealousy from Kara or not. And she won’t win, so why get her hopes up?

I’d just like to point out that that isn’t all that different from the actual call out order. Oh god, what is going on here?

Call Out Scores *Updated*

Nicole (2)- 1/2/2/2/4/1

Erin (3)- 4/4/1/3/3/3

Laura (3.8)- 6/1/5/6/1/4

Rae (4.1)- 2/7/7/1/2/6

Courtney (5.5)- 3/8

Brittany (5.6)- 9/3/11/4/5/2

Kara (5.8)- 5/5/3/7/8/7

Luly (6.6)- 8/6/6

Rachel- 7

Jennifer (8.1)- 10/11/4/10/9/5

Sundai (8.3)- 14/9/8/5/6/8

Ashley (9.2)- 11/10/9/9/7

Biyanka (10.7)- 13/12/10/8

Lisa- 12

In conclusion, I will not apologize for my Nicolegasm. This girl is divine. She is amazing. She is my favorite contestant since Creepychan.

Wow, I just realized that I wrote ‘Sundai’ all recap instead of Sundae. I must really be mad at her.

None of this group shit. But, just as a reference, here are the three group shots…

Laura, Ashley and Kara-

Hungry, Rae, Forrest-

Sundae, Nicole, Erin-

If I were going to choose the best group shot, I’d go with the bottom one, since everyone looks good. Each of the top two have one person that’s looking hot, but unfortunately, the rest of their respective group isn’t even coming close.

Now, individually, here’s how I’d have done it:

Laura-

Look at how hot she is! This is total and complete confidence… She’s feeling her character and allowing herself to let go and be this sexy vixen. I adore this… And if you look at the long shot, you’ll see that she’s got this great bend in her body that fits the Cirque du Soleil brief. Our little Southern bumpkin is a DIIIIIVA in front of the camera.

Rae-

This is an EXTREMELY close runner-up for best individual shot. In fact, it ALMOST justifies the first call out for her entire group. Almost. I love her heavily lidded eyes, and the angry-hot expression she has on her face (sort of reminds me of Melrose’s runway shot from Cycle 7)… Rae is totally kickass.

Erin-

This poor girl cannot get out of third place for me! The judges had the right idea… She doesn’t especially stand out and demand your attention like the top 2 photographs, but there’s something deliciously high fashion about it, like this Prada ad:

Bottom 3 worthy shot? Not even close. She’s being set up for a bullshit elimination and even though she seems stank, I am not okay with that.

Nicole-

So, a big emphasis was put on Nicole’s suckage, yet she still managed to deliver this, which I think is pretty strong overall. There’s something so dreamy about her pale skin and the garment she’s wearing, plus that contrasting hair. So, it’s not the most interesting pose… Big deal, she’s still amazing.

Hungry-

This too fits into that Prada look, except it’s significantly more unattractive. I really like her back, first and foremost. She looks like a dude, but androgyny is hot, even when it uh… isn’t. Case in point… this picture. But it’s at least got some fashion elements to it.

Sundae-

This is almost identical to the baby picture shot I ranked her last for. She’s just doing something slightly more interesting, pose wise, and she also has fellow contestants who managed to bomb this shit way worse than she did, so our little ice cream cone survives a bottom 3. I don’t buy that this is ’sensational’ or that she even did amazingly well, but this shot isn’t heinous.

Ashley-

This is all kinds of boring ass bland… And she’s managed to make her hips look about 4 yards wide with her pose, but at the same time, I find her face to be very pretty, if a bit… disconnected. It’s essentially the same shot she’s been giving us for weeks, and because of that, I’m not sad to see her go.

Kara-

Oh, my dear sweet Kara. What has become of you?! I do suspect editing, since I think Kara is the next to leave us, but still… I can’t really say anything great about this picture except ‘Forrest’s was worse’. She doesn’t stand out and when you do finally find her, you don’t really like what you see. At least in my eyes. This is the first time her endearingly wonky eyes look well… bad.

Forrest-

She just keeps outdoing herself with her suckage! She looks about 3 feet tall and like a chipmunk mixed with Whitney effing Thompson of the chronic open mouth syndrome! So, let’s see… So far Forrest has been a horny chicken, a reindeer, a chipmunk, a massive hunk of Ham… Dear god, get this bitch out of here before my head explodes. This is heinous. HEINOUS. BUT YES, LET’S GIVE IT A FIRST CALL OUT. I’m starting to think Forrest can take a steaming shit on set and Tyra would be like FIERCE!

Lazy eyed psychos. Hmph.

Never forget it.

Now, for the math-

Nicole (2.6)- 1/4/2/2/4

Laura (3)- 3/1/5/5/1

Rae (4)- 2/7/8/1/2

Rachel- 4

Erin (4.2)- 8/3/3/3/3

Kara (5.4)- 6/5/1/7/8

Brittany (6.2)- 9/2/11/4/5

Luly- 6.3

Courtney- 6.5

Sundae (8.4)- 14/9/7/6/6

Jennifer (9)- 11/11/4/10/9

Ashley (9.4)- 12/10/9/9/7

Lisa- 10

Biyanka- 10.7

FORREST!

It’s uncanny, and you know it. And when she does win (and she will, bet on it), I’m gonna post that again and again and again.

This episode, if it’s possible, was even more boring than last weeks. I’m just going to be honest and explain the problem. These girls are actually too strong. Yes, they’re short, but that’s really their only problem. The remaining crowd are all plausible (Sundae is excluded, but she at least has a personality) as models in some regard. There are no Tahlias, no Whitney Thompsons… all heinous at modelling but damn fun to blog about. I’m deciding whether or not I’m happy about this lack of interesting material to talk crap about.

Maybe it’s just me, but the whole thing just seems STALE. Miss. J will screech unintelligbly, Nigel will perv, Mr. Jay will continue to be the only one with any sense, and Tyra will be self absorbed.

I’m going to spend the vast majority of this blogette (since the photo recaps have become far more entertaining this cycle, and I’m okay with that) bitching about Forrest. If you like her, stop reading. Or don’t, but don’t bitch. It’s my blog and I’ll bitch if I want to.

A large portion of Forrest’s critique at judging was spent criticizing her performance in the photoshoot- a Cirque Du Soleil themed group thing shot by the dreamy Mike Rosenthal. Tyra specifically said that Rae was the strongest, Brittany was the middling participant and that Forrest was the weakest (they were a group). They made a point to show her hilariously awful shots, some of which had her head completely away from the camera, eyes shut, just totally bad.

And then, after hearing the other two groups (consisting of Kara, Ashley and Laura in one group and Nicole, Sundae and Erin in another) and getting the same ‘best, middling, worst’ critiques, that group gets a collective first call out. Yup, rather than giving the first call out to the person with the best look in the shot (Laura, no doubt), the retardation they call a judging panel figures out a way to dodge a bottom 2 appearance for Forrest, since she is definitely this cycle’s winner. At this point, with such special treatment thrown her way, I’d bet on it.

Two other notable things happened at judging- Nicole was criticized for not contorting her body enough. WAIT, BACK IT UP. LAST WEEK, NIGEL GAVE HER SHIT FOR ALWAYS DOING WEIRD POSES. So essentially, she posed too much, but she’s only supposed to do that in Cirque Du Soleil themed shots. Got it. EXCEPT I DON’T.

And then of course, Tyra is wanking to Sundae’s film, and we’re treated to… a remarkably average shot. Tyra says that Sundae had better shots but this one was chosen because it was the only good one of Nicole.

WAIT, WHAT?!??!! Since when does THAT happen?! If Sundae did a great job overall and Nicole did shitty, why penalize Sundae for a superior performance? Not that I’m complaining… Nicole is far superior, but still… That is some seriously effed up ANTM logic there. Then, to make things better, after Tyra tells that group (Nicole, Sundae and Erin) that Nicole was the weakest, Sundae was the best and Erin was the middling participant, she called Nicole before her two group counterparts, then Sundae, and then Erin.

Also worth noting:

Benny Ninja has become a total sourpussed douche. I cannot stand him. I miss when he was sort of a jolly elf like presence in cycles 8 and 9. Now he’s heinous. I’m not even going to acknowledge that Lil’ Mama helped explain the challenge (whoops, I just did), but I assure you, she did nothing worth noting.

Forrest’s car didn’t even cost 17,000 dollars oh my gawwwwwwd but like now she has some nice new earrings she got for winning a lame ass challenge and oh my gawd we thought Ashley’s dance routine would be great because she’s like a dancer BUT OH MY GAWWWWW LOOK AT MY NEW EARRINGS TEEHEEEEE.

Apparently this show is having an issue picking a bitch and sticking to it… At the beginning, it was Biyanka, then it was Luly, then Ashley, and this week, they made Kara seem like a total backstabbing hobag, and apparently most of the contestants are not ‘her type of people’ which was both an abrasive and cunty thing to say. She and Forrest were all giggly and twatty all episode, which just made me hate Forrest even more and feel my first twinges of dislike for Kara, since the majority of their shit-talking was about Nicole.

Mr. Jay Manuel looks funny and costume-y chic in Cirque Du Soleil fierce clown makeup. He gave some dramatic speech about ‘Miss. Banks’ wanting them to reach new heights as models. Another height joke? Really? These aren’t tired yet? Then, like ten seconds later, he was back and better than ever with his orange glow.

ACCORDING TO THE PEOPLE AT TWOP, the new stupid ‘TOOOOPPP MOOOODEELLL’ song that plays after one of the chickies is eliminated is performed by Marvin Fequiere. THAT’S STAAAAAAACCYYYY ANNNNN’S HUSBAND! OH MY GOD.

DOOO DOOOO DOOOOO TOOOOPPPP MOOOOODEELLLLLL

The updates on who is getting what edit are as follows:

Forrest- Insanely irritating winner

Erin- Cold and distant bitch

Rae- Doesn’t wow the judges in person AKA doesn’t fellate Nigel regularly.

Sundae- Completely made up critiques of average photos to justify top 6 placement

Nicole-Token odd ball and likely to choke at commercial

Laura- Loveable girl with accent.

Brittany- Possibly the old edit?

Speaking of which… is anyone else concerned about Brittany?! She’s looking seriously gaunt

AH ZE GOGGLES DO NOTHING

I know last week I said that we should call her Angela Bettis, but I’m thinking we should call her Hungry instead. Maybe we could feed her some Sundae!

… I told you this shit was boring. I’m doing the best I can, guys. On the bright side, the photos are actually quite lovely, despite the retardation of the callout order.

Even if you look like a horny chickennnnnnn or have your face obscured with floaty clooooooooooooooothhhhh.

So, the photos this week… Wear a scarf on your head and resemble Tyra before she goes to bed, apparently-

Picture this, plus a head scarf.

Don’t worry… the shots are much prettier than this. ALSO, THEY WERE SHOT BY MIZ BANKS HERSELF! Now, as much as I like to rag on Tyra for any and everything, she has proven time and time again that she can take decent pictures. So, I’d say that most of these, except for one, are all quite good. Starting with-

Rae-

I know the judges said that she could ‘put a chill on a popsicle’ (okay, Miss. J said that, as if you couldn’t already tell), but I think this shot is downright angelic. Rae looks otherworldly. And she also is rocking the high fashion cancer chic look. Stunning photo.

Nicole-

The fact that she hasn’t gotten a first call out yet seriously bugs me, because she looks amazing YET again. She is by far the most consistent contestant of the cycle, and this picture rocks. It’s not a beauty shot, but it’s so pretty… that jutting clavicle, the weird hands, the pouty lips… AND I CAN’T EVEN BE ACCUSED OF BIAS BECAUSE HER HAIR IS COVERED. AND SHE STILL LOOKS AMAZING!

Erin-

She’s getting bitchier by the day but she continues to wow me with her amazing photos. This looks like a painting… the bend in the back is perfect… not too exaggerated, and her lack of eyebrows actually works quite well in this case. I’d say it’s a really awesome combo of ‘Bitch, I was showering, why’d you walk in on me’ and demonic. Work it out, new member of the stank club.

Brittany-

A huge improvement from last week, and undoubtedly ethereal and pretty, but the scarf covering her face doesn’t really suit my taste, personally. That’s really the only thing stopping this from being higher, since all her weird Angela-ish pointiness is put to rest at this angle.

Laura-

Call me crazy but does she resemble The Girl in the Pearl Earring to anyone else? There’s something so pretty about this… it’s very innocent. I love the carefree vibe the wind brings to the shot.

Sundae-

Congratulations Sundae! You finally took a good shot! Of course, it was one where your body played no part whatsoever! This is really simple and pretty, which I like a lot. Her face reminds me of Aminat’s a bit, but an itty bitty version.

Kara-

This is a MAJAH step down for my girl Kara after last week’s example of badassery. I still don’t think there’s anything majorly wrong with it (and I don’t get the ’she looks handsome’ thing they were laying on thick when discussing her boyish girlishness)… It’s just less dynamic than the other shots, that’s all.

Biyanka-

Congratulations Biyanka! Your last shot and you aren’t in the bottom 2. The real issue is the same issue that’s been coming up involving all her photos since the original promo. Biyanka is one SEVERE looking lady. And in a shoot with the potential to be so ethereal and beautiful (and the colors look amazing, it should be noted), she just looks way too harsh. I do like the way the scarf floats around her like a colored wind… Purdy stuff.

Ashley-

I love the way the blue scarf looks like fire… It’s really a stunning color. Too bad that Ashley is bringing NOTHING to the picture. She’s literally just standing there making the same tight-lipped half smile that we saw in her horse and elongating photo. Totally blah, which sucks, cuz it could have been so good.

Forest-

AND SO IT BEGINS… The judges ranked this monstrosity SECOND. OVER RAE. OVER NICOLE. OVER EVERYONE ELSE EVER. OH MY GOD. I am so sure that this wonky eyed bitch is our winner now, because the judges are trying to trick the audience into thinking that this horrendous picture is ACTUALLY GOOD?!?! Seriously, I’m secretly glad it exists because even my photo critiques were bland this week but this picture just makes all sorts of negative feelings explode from inside. WHAT?!?!!? IS?!?!?!? THIS?!?!!??%$@?%@/ She’s pretty much scalping herself… She has a worse wind tunnel face than the Reptilian Queen Teyona. OH MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE WAS PRAISED FOR THIS PICTURE. SECOND WORST SHOT OF THE CYCLE, AFTER BIYANKA’S RUPAUL FEST ON THE HORSE. SEE, I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Updated scores:

Nicole (2.2)- 1/4/2/2

Laura (3.5)- 3/1/5/5

Rachel- 4

Erin (4.2)- 8/3/3/3

Rae (4.5)- 2/7/8/1

Kara (4.7)- 6/5/1/7

Luly- 6.3

Brittany (6.5)- 9/2/11/4

Courtney- 6.5

Sundae (9)- 14/9/7/6

Jennifer (9)- 11/11/4/10

Lisa- 10

Ashley (10)- 12/10/9/9

Biyanka (10.7)- 13/12/10/8

This episode reached all new levels of boring, so it’ll be the shortest one I’ve ever done. Sorry guys… It is what it is. I guess along with shrinking Tyra and the contestants, the producers also decided to make this show less retarded and slightly legit to compensate for the lack of height thing. Nice, but bad for sarcastic blogging.

Things we Learned on ANTM this Week-

-Loving your picture that is awesome (like you, and YOU KNOW IT) and even secretly loving your boob that is threatening to bust out is grounds for a bottom 3 appearance and a quote from a short ass model saying that you’re ‘not all there’.

'I'm awesome... AND I KNOW IT'

-Erin has totally been given the Natalie edit for this cycle… Personalityless on set, great pictures, possibly catty but possibly the victim of editing.

'How the mighty have fallen... Damn, my pictures are fierce'

She pushed people out of the way to try and win a challenge (she lost to Sundae, btw) and then when she was called out about her recent stankishness, she started crying and blamed fatigue. BITCH, PLEASE. You can’t have it both ways. At least Natalie never started bawling after being called S-T-U-P-I-D.

Biyanka doesn’t want to be in the bottom 2 again. Can you say kiss of death? I can! Of course, Biyanka was eliminated this week for basically looking like a man in her photos. Poor ‘Yank. She didn’t look so bad in this week’s shot (more on that soon), and I think that, in general, she just had some lingering abuse issues that made her seem unpleasant. But she wasn’t too terrible. Not even close to the level of our original Biyanka, that’s for sure.

'Jesus makes me hit myself'

-Putting the chill on a popsicle is a vair good thing. Also, saying ‘oh my god’ in apparent fear about a really stupid challenge is endearing when you’re the prettier, less bitchy half of the albino club.

-Now that Biyanka AND Luly are gone, we need someone with a new nickname. I vote this week’s receiver of first call out (which was a funky chicken… Tyra, who shot the photos, and Mr. Jay chose the best performance on set and that person was exempt from elimination AND got to do a photoshoot for Tyra’s website)…

'I am NOT Brittany! I'm Sundae's height!'

That’s Angela Bettis, by the way. Not Brittany. But their resemblance is sort of freaky… Brittany is probably a little less coked out, but Angela is less pointy. So… Brittany is now Angela. When I remember. Also, she did nothing else of consequence this episode, so I don’t feel guilty not finding a GIF of her.

-You can look like an ‘after shot’ of an extremely terrible face lift that mated with a reindeer and still get second call out on this show. Also, if you are the token Asian, you will be commended for screaming like a horny chicken on set and getting a shot that is not remotely ‘beauty’esque and instead makes me wretch in horror.

'YOU DID NOT PUH-SUEDE ME, JENNI-FAH'

-Being a gorgeous, flawless looking emo child guarantees you a second or fourth call out until otherwise noted-

'Bitch better have my first call out'

-If you are discovered on the Tyra Banks show, you can survive 3 wardrobe changes and be subjected to a ‘falling short’ joke.

… yeah, sorry, Ashley’s way too boring for a GIF.

-Going to Wal-Mart every five minutes is only acceptable if your name is pronounced like an ice cream product

'I am the only one left with a nickname! =('

-Wind machines benefit those with homemade clothes made by a fierce woman named Wanda Sue-

This is what I got when I googled Wanda Sue.

That was in reference to Laura, by the way. She also taught me that admitting to being a loser can be endearing, but only if you’re from the South.

-Nigel Barker is being extra utilized and it’s grossing me out. Also, his wife is pretty, but she’s a robot.

'I'm a big douche and this is my Real Doll'

-You can be second eliminated on ANTM and be acknowledged 5 cycles later in a top models in action segment. Maybe sometime this millenium, they’ll acknowledge Elyse Sewell-

'I had to be a lesbian and then a ho, and Natasha STEALS THIS GIF RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER ME'

-ANTM is totally trying to be Australia by playing ridiculous elimination music (seriously, it was like a bleating TOOOPP MOOOOODELLL type yodel thing). It almost distracted me from Biyanka’s elimination speech, was by far her most endearing moment in this competition. Also, this seems like a nice place to point out that olive green is totally that woman’s color, and she’s never looked more beautiful. EVER.

Uh, here’s the call out order!

Brittany (Chosen at the shoot and exempt from elimination)

Jennifer (One of the worst shots of the cycle and the only major faux pas in the call out order), Rae, Nicole, Erin, Laura, Sundai, Kara, Ashley, Bianca. Obviously, I’ll do my photoshoot ranking tomorrow… Tyra’s shoots are usually pretty well done and this panel was no exception.

Oh god, look what I’ve been reduced to. Complimenting Tyra. Dear lawd.

Anyway, thank you for sticking with me despite this uber-dull episode. I hope the excessive media makes up for the lack of witty text. I considered just writing BIYANKA WENT HOME and posting that, hahaha. I will be featuring a special episode on the many faces of Tyra sometime before the next episode to make up for this utter joke of a recap.

Oh, and since I stole a couple of his GIFs again, I urge you all to go to Fourfour.typepad.com.

Thank you for reading, as always <3

Seriously, who does Biyanka think she’s kidding with her recent love for Jesus? I mean, THAT’S COOL, THAT’S COOL, but Amber has already totally exhausted our need for religion, has she not?

Yes, I am still mourning her loss. Moving on to the ‘elongate yourself’ photos. There are no closeups yet, from what I can find, but honestly, the face is pretty unimportant for the brief.

The first three shots called out by the judges happen to be my favorites too. Starting with Kara-

I don’t mind that her left boob is threatening to escape. Seriously, homegirl looks long and lean and out of control. Her legs look amazing, as does the rope wrapped around her left stem. She’s doing the tension thing that gets Tyra all hot and bothered without looking too stiff. I know I just said that the face was unimportant but her face is looking purdy too.

Nicole-

As a shot, this one is my absolute favorite. She really does look about 400 feet tall. THAT BEING SAID… I think she can credit the photographer for clearly shooting her at an angle that makes her appear taller… That is to say that the stunningness of this shot doesn’t have much to do with Nicole’s posing as much as it has to do with her hotness. And even taking that into account, I have to rank it third. It’s just SO hot.

Erin-

Erin takes the albino cake from Rae again with this picture. First of all, I love her blue shoes. I wish I had the confidence to work electric blue velour pumps. Secondly, this pose is hot. She’s so tall and lean and pretty, and her ass looks amazing. I’m almost always a fan of the way she’s holding her right hand. Gaw-juss.

Jennifer-

I cannot tell a lie. Idi Amin looks great… I love the bend in her body… It’s creating such an interesting angle. Her face still looks stupid as hell, but I solemnly swore not to take the faces into account… much. The pose is fierce. I rest my case.

Laura-

Okay, so she’s not looking like an Amazonian goddess but if I can rank Nicole second for standing still, I can rank Laura fifth for looking hot in teal green. She certainly hasn’t stumpified herself, amirite?

Luly-

As stankity stank as she is, I have to admit that Luly’s photogenic-ness should have saved her from elimination for at least a few more weeks. Smizing indeed. And I bet the picture would be 10x hotter if they’d let her wrap the rope around her neck. As it stands, her right thigh bothers me, but I actually think the rest of the picture is… pretty hot.

Sundae-

Her face just… bugs. Seriously, she looks a bit like some desperate skank trying to get laid at a club or something. BUT, does she look 5′3? No suh, she does not. So for that reason, AND BECAUSE ON MY HONOR, I AM NOT COUNTING THE FACE AS HEAVILY AS I NORMALLY WOULD, she goes here.

Rae-

I’m worried for Rae. I think her first call out shield has worn off, and I can see her being eliminated for something really stupid. Which would make me sad, because she’s beautiful, and this picture isn’t as bad as the judges painted it out to be. Is she doing anything particularly special? Definitely not. But I don’t see anything BAD about the shot either.

Ashley-

Her body shape has caused the dress to cut her in an extremely unflattering way, and she’s stumpifying her legs to the max. Also, not to act like Tyra gives valuable advice but the lackluster way that she’s grasping the hoop bugs the shit out of me. Act like you give a damn, Ashley. After sitting on it, Luly was robbed. Ashley hasn’t delivered a good shot yet. All of Luly’s pictures have been at least decent.

Biyanka-

THIS is the start of the redemption edit?! THIS SHOT?! Her legs are adorable, but the pose is a joke! WHY does this girl think she is Queen Marjorie?!!? SHE’S NOT. THE HUNCH IS NOT FOR YOU, BIYANKA. Rest assured, I actually like her, despite her more than lackluster portfolio but THIS PHOTO?! Does Tyra expect the majority of viewers to buy this shot as ‘good’ and see it as a turnaround point for Biyanka? I call BULLSHIT. It’s gonna take more than that, Miz. Banks.

Brittany-

Everything about this, short of her standing on her tip toes, is a mistake. Her turned in knees look about five inches long. The dress being pulled out to the side makes her look like a human chode. Even her face is just a pointy mess. I hate this picture. Right down there with Biyanka’s travesty of a horse photo, for me.

Numbas-

Nicole (2.3)- 1/4/2

Laura (3)- 3/1/5

Kara (4)- 6/5/1

Rachel- 4

Erin (4.6)- 8/3/3

Rae (5.6)- 2/7/8

Luly (6.3)- 7/6/6

Courtney- 6.5

Brittany (7.3)- 9/2/11

Jennifer (8.6)- 11/11/4

Lisa- 10

Sundae (10)- 14/9/7

Ashley (10.3)- 12/10/9

Biyanka (11.6)- 13/12/10

Rich is your God. Fourfour.com

I didn’t know how else to start this episode, so I figured I’d pay tribute to the chick with the best photo of last week, and the cutest accent since Anya. Which leads me to my first feature of this week’s recap… Is anyone else seeing any similarities between this cycle and cycle 10? I’ll give you a hint… it has nothing to do with plus-sizedness and more to do with major, major stankosity.

Seriously, I’m going to be so bold as to say that each one of the remaining Cycle 13 contestants have something in common with at least one Cycle 10 contestant.

Laura—-> Anya, in that they both have wonderful, adorable accents. Not so much the overachiever that Anya was (didn’t Anya have like 16 first call outs by the third panel?) but the accent thing is enough

Nicole—-> Lauren, in that they both always seemed stoned. Not nearly as obnoxious as Lauren with her ‘I’m so punk rock’, though the ‘I brought a wheelbarrow to school’ thing was retarded.

Biyanka—-> Dominique, in a big way. All the other bitches are picking on her, even though she’s just annoying but generally harmless. I’d say that ‘SOME OF THESE DISHES AREN’T CLEEEEEAAANNNN’ is the new ‘I wanna be like freakin Mother Theresa, but in a diva kind of way’. So far, anyway.

Sundae—> Stacy Ann, in that they both had infectious auditions and are both bubbling balls of energy. DOOO DOOOO DOOOO DOOO DOOO.

Kara—> Also Dominique, although I think Kara is hot.

Luly and Ashley—> They possess the stankosity of both Fatima and Racist Allison, although neither of them made below the belt shots about clitorises, junk in the trunk, or eating disorders.

Rae and Erin—–> Albinoness of Anya, lack of screentime like Katarzyna.

And maybe I’m being harsh here but Jennifer —-> Whitney, in that they are both reeking of token winnings here. And also, Jennifer goes PFFFTTAHH when she’s in an argument. Whitney was more stank, but just as annoying.

Now, you may be asking when Luly and Ashley turned into stank bitches. Last we’d heard, Biyanka was the worst contestant of all time and needed to peace out like… two weeks ago. But somewhere between panel and the shorty funhouse, Luly turned into a bitcher and backstabber. That is SO real.

What would Brandy say, Luly?

So, what I gather is this… The hamsters all get home from panel, ooh and ahh over Erin’s photo, Biyanka expresses insecurity over her two consecutive bottom 2s, and editing cuts to Luly and Ashley talking shit about how much Biyanka sucks. They hate her. She’s a bitch. Her attitude sucks. Bloody Eyeball is unimpressed by this, for as you know, she was picked on in high school for her quaaludes-esque demeanor and thinks you should get to know someone before you hate them. In general, I agree with her, but some people suck and you can tell that just by looking at them. It is nice, however, to see one of the girls that I like taking the high road and not stanking it up with the rest of the crowd. Just sayin’.

Now seems like a good time to tell you that Erin’s albino-brows are totally gray and that Rae continues to win in the game of albino hotness. Also, prior to this episode, I’m pretty sure Erin never gave a single confessional. I feel like Erin’s elimination reason will be ‘you don’t stand out’.

Back to the Luly and Ashley Duo of Stankosity… Every time the setting switched, one of them was talking shit about Biyanka or Brittany, who apparently became the target of Stanky and Stankier for having piercing eyes. Bloody Eyeball said that Luly was Ashley’s sidekick, but I felt like she was the nastier of the two. She belonged in a Dr. Seuss book, ya know?

‘I will be stank inside a box. I will be stank, and don’t like cocks. I am stank, oh yes I am. AND YUM, I LOVE STANK EGGS AND HAM’.

In all seriousness, Luly fell victim to one of the classic blunders. All episode, she talked about how she was doing so much better than everyone else. During Miss J’s notteach, she was all ‘This is my signature walk and it’s going to make me famous’, even though she looked like a pony with Downs. Girl, you are NOT Camille. She told her bitch Ashley that Brittany did the worst at the photoshoot. Pretty much a bullseye to the bottom 2.

And even though Luly reached all new levels of gossiping bitch, it was over before we could even get used to the new stomping grounds of this cycle. She’s gone, which means we’re probably stuck with Ashley for a few more weeks, since she’s clearly the new house bitch.

OH AND DID I MENTION THAT ALL THIS CRAP STARTED BECAUSE OF SUNDAE?! CLEARLY THE ICE CREAM HAS SPOILED A BIT, BECAUSE SHE WAS STARTING SHIT… Biyanka explained that she missed Courtney, and Sundae was all ‘Oh, but she didn’t like you. She thought you had an attitude. Luly knew but she didn’t tell you’, which started the whole shitshow.

Moving on, lettuce discuss the runway notteach. Actually, let’s discuss this piece of work first:

What the effing crap?

Diva Davanna (No idea if this is her real name) was brought in to show that you can work a runway even at 4′1. She’s like 9, and she’s completely mastered the art of baby prostitution in her 5 years of modeling. Is anyone else freakishly reminded of ShaRaun from Cycle 11? Does anyone else think it’s hilarious that they brought a NINE YEAR OLD IN to show them that they weren’t utterly useless on a catwalk?

Basically, J did his typical broken record routine, telling the girls to give more energy, take longer strides, and to loosen up. Sounds sort of like sex coaching, to me. Betcha never wanted to think about Miss. J getting it on though, didja? The only notable part of the notteach was Laura saying that the frozen food aisle of the grocery store was her personal runway. Ohhhh, you.

At the runway show, there’s another awesome moment where Rae and Erin almost bump heads again and almost become albino siamese twinsies again, but alas, it is not to be. They are introduced to designer Kevan Hall, who reminds me of a super gay Snoop Dogg.

And then, all hell breaks loose on my television screen.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

KILL IT WITH FIRE. KILL IT WITH FIRE! AHHHHHHHHHH!

For those who have not been acquainted with the wench in the above photo, let me introduce her.

She is Ann SUCKett, editor in chief of Seventeen magazine. She is a pathetic, aging hipster with a huge eagle beak and no taste. She has participated in some of the worst eliminations in ANTM history, and she never says anything worth noting. It is your job, as a reader of Euphoria, to hate her as much as I do.

I screamed when I saw her. I literally yelled NOOOOOOOOOOO. That’s how much I despise this bitch.

The challenge? Walk next to normal sized models and don’t make an ass out of yourself. What they didn’t mention was that the normal sized models were just that… normal sized. Seriously, I think I saw stomach rolls on one of them. And on top of that, the big girls had to wear these hideous, unflattering potato sacks (Janice would not approve. If you’re wearing a potato sack, make it look like a 100,000 dollar potato sack, BITCH) while our petites got to dress in cute cocktail length dresses. Unfair playing field, I say indeed!

The entire thing was boring, since nobody fell and nobody even looked particularly bad. Laura, yet again, has the only good line when she says she’s worried about ‘looking like a midget’. Brittany won the challenge, and took Kara and Laura with her to the Seventeen spread prize win, and they got to model prom dresses.

Ugh, moving away from all things associated with SUCKett before I get hives. The photoshoot this week was pretty simple… Make interesting body shapes so you look taller. Easier said than done, right? The highlight here? Luly was all kinds of boring, prompting King Jay to start referring to everything she did as ‘ish’… as in, she was ‘decentish’. She finally got a decentish enough shotish and then Jay was like FINALLY, GUUUUURL, YOU GOT IT and he choked herish by wrapping his hands and shaking her. She was all MMMMMMMMM THAT’S WHAT I NEED and I was disturbingly informed about Luly’s sex life. Jay was all ‘Enough of this ish, we done here’.

In a very distantish second, Biyanka finally softened her face after confessing that Jesus warms her heart.

In panel, we were introduced to 5′6 supermodel Jaime Rishar, who gave perhaps the most constructive critiques since St. Clay Aiken, but because of this, made for a very uninteresting panel. At least SUCKett wasn’t there. PERHAPS THERE IS A GOD AFTER ALL. Tyra told them that they had to appear taller in photos so they would be hired for print work. Which is hilarious, seeing as how she has them wear flats to panel.

Each girl had to admit to their shortcomings (OH, I CRACK MYSELF UP) and then their photo was deemed ‘Yes, you look taller’ or ‘No bitch, you shortened yourself’. It seemed like the majority of the girls added as much height as they could while still being plausible. Like Kara? She was ‘5′6… and a half’. What editing didn’t show us was that she’s 5′6 and a half and a few centimeters and possibly a few millimeters too. GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT, KARA GUUUURL.

You’ll see the photos tomorrow, but believe me when I say that Nicole, Kara and Erin did the best. Jennifer, despite my dislike for her Forest Whitakerness, also had one of the stronger shots, and no apparently lazy-eyedness.

And now, the moment I’ve been waiting to talk about all recap. GUYS, TOP MODELS IN ACTION IS BACK. AND GUESS WHO STARTED IT OFF?!?!

Vogue Itahlia!

Tahlia has been making waves everywhere, literally. The full extent of her work can be found here, but believe us, she’s done print for such prestigous brands as First Response Pregnancy Tests and Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans! In addition, Tahlia has appeared in Pregnant Whores Volume VI. CONGRATULATIONS TAHLIA.

Uh, right. Actually, it was McKey, whose notable achievements include stomping in a runway show that was actually a prize for winning a challenge in Amsterdam and uh… not much else. Which kills me, seeing as how McKey is flawless and should be working like mad.

Back to panel… Kara gets the first call out, followed by Nicole, Erin (a worthy top 3! Who’d have thunk?!), Sundae, Jennifer, Biyanka, Laura, Ashley and Rae. The bottom 2 is Luly and her prime target all episode, Brittany. Seeing as how Ashley is totally able to cover the HBIC duties, Luly stank ass is sent packing. I’m hoping Ashley really rises to the task, hopefully reverting to calling Jennifer a lazy eyed psycho or perhaps referring to Rae and Erin as skank ass albino bitches.

The entire elimination felt very… spliced together? Like, as if Tyra forgot to narrate it and they had to film it at a completely different date? Or maybe I’m just sleepy. And to add insult to injury, Luly dropped the stankosity the second she was eliminated and didn’t give a bitchy exit speech. She was all teary and ‘this has opened doors for me’.

All I can say to that is BAI BITCH.

And with that, another boring episode has come to a close. Check back tomorrow for the photos.