I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to do this yet… I’m not really technologically advanced enough to do pictures… I’ll probably just sum up the episodes with my own witty banter and then rank the photoshoots like I always do.

So, we begin with a montage of our 11 eleven winners. FIRST ISSUE- Cycle 1: ELYSE SEWELL?! Now, correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t Adrianne Curry win Cycle 1? Yes, TyTy dismissed the high fashion queen Elyse and she left to be more successful than all the winners COMBINED. You can’t change history just cuz someone posed in Playboy, Tyra 😉

OMG YAY GIRLS! OMG! Celia looks vaguely cross-eyed, but I like it, and her. She’s cute. Her pre-show pictures were misleading… this girl is adorable. Allison apparently creeps everyone else out (including me), but she’s used to that. Homegirl really does have some big eyes. I’m haunted by her creepychan pictures. Allison also says that she’s really awkward. No kidding.

I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS… says Angelea. Ah, I’m instantly reminded of Jade and I feel at home again. Angelea looks ridiculous with huge talons, a head scarf and a sort of Kelle-esque snout. London comes on the screen and I immediately want to throw something at her. She overenunciates her words and sounds like she’s trying waaaaayyy too hard. I am 100% sure that everyone except me will love her and her stupid hippie clothes.

Fo cries when she sees Mr and Miss J(ay). This is the beginning of a pattern. The J(ay)s inform us that Caesars Palace is the Temple of Tyra, and I throw up in my mouth a little bit. I’m sure the city of Las Vegas is calling up Ken Mok and being like WTF, THAT WASN’T IN THE DEAL. TEMPLE OF TYRA MY ASS. The girls dress up in togas, or something. Sandra calls herself an African queen. Ah, Nnenna. Except Sandra makes Nnenna look like friggin’ Analeigh. She’s only just begun.

Fo has freckles. I like them. She hugs Mr. J(ay) before getting a picture of her profile taken and I’m like GIRL, WIPE OFF THE SELF TANNER BEFORE IT GETS IN YOUR BLOOD STREAM. I like her profile picture.

Sandra’s profile is pretty. Isabella looks identical to that Kherington person from So You Think You Can Dance. She’s much prettier in person than in her picture. Aminat struts up to the camera and is immediately complimented for having nice lips. I love her. Tahlia looks sort of sleepy in her profile. She hasn’t mentioned her burns yet, but DON’T WORRY. THEY’RE COMING. I’m immediately reminded of someone else when I see Kathryn’s eyes, but I still can’t figure out whose. Teyona’s got one beast of a jaw. Her face is huge. I still think she’s part Vulcan.

YAY TIME FOR GODDESS WALKS. The girls have to walk through clouds… Sandra is sort of jiggly when she struts, but not in a sexy Nik Pace kind of way. Angelea’s walk is pretty bad, and Sandra doesn’t hesitate to say so. Random reject Alex swings her arms all over the place and you can practically smell Miss J(ay) pissing his pants at how crap it is. Allison’s walk is bad, but it’s not Shandi or Lauren bad… just tentative. London is quick to say how bad it is, and how pretty much everyone sucks at runway. Shut up London. Jessica does her thing and says ‘This is how a goddess walks’ and I suddenly want London back. That’s how bad Jessica is. Seriously, Jess? You look like a box.

The J(ay)s talk to the girls and suddenly we see Spartans and hear FIERCE. FIERCE over and over again. Everyone acts surprised and we see Tyra in some hilarious Greek getup. Fo and London CRY. Oyyyy. Celia calls Tyra extra-terrestial. Hahaha.  Tyra proclaims herself ‘The Goddess of Fierce’ and I suddenly want Jessica back. That’s how bad Tyra is. Seriously, Tyra? She says she is SOOO tired after 4005504905954 years of being fierce. Well, okay. I’m tired of you. She needs her chariot of fire lit, which sounds sort of sexual to me. Can someone light Tyra’s fire, please? She then says she’s hungry, which doesn’t surprise me, since she walked all of 10 feet. She wants grapes, but we all know she wants ribs.

AUDITION TIIIIIIME. Sandra is first and she immediately starts bawling when she enters the room. She moved to ‘the America’ from Kenya and didn’t have any friends because she was different and ‘dark’. The word dark gets used about 15 times and Tyra gives Sandra a stamp of approval for looking like a fashion show straight from London (the country, not the midget contestant). Sandra mentions Kenya again like 1400 times. She’s sort of a basket case.

London is a ‘street. preacher’, and she’s dressed like a street walker. She’s not as short as I thought, but she still bothers me. She’s like a slightly more focused Amis. She’s modeling with a mission, and loves Jesus. Do not want.

Jessica has never been called ugly a day in her life. Yeah, well I called you a box earlier. Mmmhmmmm.

Tahlia has taken a year off from college to pursue modeling. Aaaand, cue the violins. Tahlia is modeling because she has a story to tell. She’s a burn survivor. You’ll want to make note of those 2 words because they get brought up a whole friggin’ lot. She’s actually a lot cuter than she looked in her promo picture, but she’s decidedly untoned. Forget the burns on the thighs… look at the wiggle in them! Bianca would not be impressed. I’m sure she’s safe this week. There’s no way Tyra is giving this girl the ax.

We cut awkwardly to some redhead who looks at least 55 spouting about the ELITES and how THE WORLD IS GOING TO HELL AND IM NOT BRINGING A CHILD INTO IT. Monique is a conspiracy theorist and says that all governments are corrupt but ours is the worst. Apparently Pearl Harbor was a setup. It was also like 60 years ago. Move the fuck on. She says she’s a killer poser, but I hate her and think she looks ridiculous.

Tyra manages to plug 2 CW shows during Natalie’s audition. Natalie is spoiled, but hot, and has a great rack.

Aminat squealed when she walked in, and I immediately fell in love. That bitch is tall, and I am praying to Tyra that they don’t chop her fro off and ruin her life. She’s STUNNING, and she’s funny. FAVE FAVE FAVE.

Kathryn is having a really hard day and she has anxiety… Omg. Bitch, nothing happened yet. Why are you so friggin upset? They cut to her audition where she’s showing off her pen collection. Tyra cunt punches her and asks her to name 5 models, and when she can’t, Tyra is like PENS WONT GET YOU IN THIS INDUSTRY. No, but going to Tyty’s T-Zone camp will! Awww ZIIIING. Kathryn comes out in a bathing suit and starts spouting the names of fashion designers and Tyra is like ‘There we go. I like that’. Or something. I tuned her out because Kathryn doesn’t make it anyway.

Alex is ghetto. I don’t really remember anything else, and it doesnt matter anyway cuz that bitch is so cut.

Isabella has epilepsy and is as sweet as sugar.

OMG TYRA ANTECDOTE… ‘I thought I won prom queen and my boyfriend had to like, LITERALLY PUSH ME BACK CUZ I THOUGHT I WON’. Whoa, Ty. That is DEEP. I thought you were booking Vogue with your ‘busted’ photos at age 17? YOU LYING BITCH. Nijah actually was the prom queen, and Tyra makes a mental note to eliminate her soon for doing something that she, the Goddess of Fierce, has not done… She’s very pretty and sweet, but she scowls when she poses and dances with her mouth hanging open. Which is cool, but they pointed it out and I didn’t forget it.

Fo has freckles… They’re friggin’ adorable, and she calls herself Blacxican. I guess that’s the best way to spell that. She didn’t know she was half black until she was 9, when she met her dad. I’m proud of her for not crying while she says this.

McKey’s Life as a Covergirl commercial is mostly past winners and then her saying something about huge shoes to fill. I love her so much, and I hope she actually gets some fame as a top model winner.

We’re back with Angelea… Tyra tells her to take off her hairpiece, or something, and apparently it’s much better, but I still see hoodrat. She apparently slept in Port Authority, and Tyra starts saying something about being safe… Bitch, Port Authority isn’t in the Bronx. If you’re that worried, go to friggin Penn Station or go to JFK and hang out in one of the food courts. I’m not kidding when I say that. We listen to Angelea bitch about being from Buffalo and hating it. Waaahhh waahhhhh.

ALL Y’ALL BITCHES WERE WRONG ABOUT CELIA. She’s adorable… She looks sort of like a cross-eyed Kirsten Dunst and I LOOOOOOOOVE ITTT. She does a twirl and we’re treated to photos of her as a gawky young’un. She is running close second favorite to Aminat.

The body is a temple, and Kortnie’s temple likes cheesecake. She is the least plus-sized plussie I’ve ever seen on the show– She just has tig ole bitties. She dated Dale Earnhardt Jr in her past life and was a pit lizard. I thought she said ‘Pillanger’ and I googled that and got some Vatican controversy about the abortion pill. Heavy stuff… Back to the fluff, pleae. And no, I didn’t just say that because it’s the ‘plus size’ girl. Gorgeous face. I think I was wrong about her being a bitch. Dammit.

Allison’s eyes scare me… I just keep waiting to see goldfish swimming in them or something. She loves nosebleeds (TYRA USED TO GET THEM ALL THE TIME), but the weirdness seems to be an act. It’s all spread a little thick. She is visually interesting though. Good job, creepychan. I sat through your audition without worrying about a phone call hissing ‘7 days’.

Teyona grew up in ‘the country’… but she’s from New Jersey. Ehh, what? Her life consisted of chickens and cows and all boy relatives. They immediately call her ‘Wind tunnel face’. I prefer Vulcan.

OMG LIKE 21 OF YOU GET CROWNS… Y’ALL SO FIERCE OMG. FO CRIES AGAIN OMG YAYYYYY. Alex and Monique don’t get them. They’re both like ‘Ugh’, and they both cry. BYE BYE FILLER.

They do a photoshoot posing as goddesses. Sandra goes first and Angelea apparently isn’t too impressed by what she sees… which causes Sandra to step down and be like WHY ARE YOU ROLLING YOUR EYES AT ME?! YOU GOT AN EYE PROBLEM? Bahahahaha. This girl is a biiitch. They start fighting, and it’s pretty stupid… ‘You got long ass toes.’ ‘You got ugly ass corns’. Oh, burn. Angelea is visibly upset when Mr. J(ay) reprimands her and Sandra is like Pfft. She’s like pfft a lot though. It’s like, her perma-facial expression.

The Godess of Ribs discusses the semifinalists with the J(ay)s. She says something about someone having her old waistline, and I’m like BAHAHAHAHA. YEAH, LIKE IN 1998. They love the bone above Sandra’s head. Tyra loves Allison’s creepy eyes (I wonder if she’s seen creepychan’s photos yet!) and thinks she’s ‘gonna get a lot of mail about her asking if she’s lost her mind’. Are you kidding, Ty? She’s already overrated by everyone, including me! Everyone’s seen creepychan!!

Let it be known that I predicted the last person to be called into the house…

The 13 girls in the running to become America’s. Next. Top. Mo.Del. Are:

Aminat (And she squeals again. LOOOOVE), Natalie, Fo (Cries. Again. Bitch, dry it up), Allison (Her eyes bug out even more than usual), Tahlia, Celia, Nijah, London (She thanks Jesus and cries. I spit at her. Not really), Teyona (Cries), Kortnie (Squeals, but it’s a poor imitation of Aminat), Isabella, Jessica aaaaaaaaaaaand SANDRA! Sandra bumps Angelea on the way down, but it was definitely an accident and overdramatized by the editors.

OMG TOP 13 OMG YAYAYAYAYAYA OMG YAY.

Episode 1 ends here. But, since it was a two part episode, I’ll be gracing you all with another recap in the next entry. Woot!

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