I’m bummed that I don’t have pictures, but I also don’t want to rip off the fourfour idea, so I’ll just do these rambles instead. When I get the pictures, I’ll rank them… so each episode will basically have 2 parts… A recap and a photoshoot. And predictions and stuff, because that’s what I do. Hopefully someone will read these, cuz I have the worst friggin headache from trying to type a bunch of shit and watch the show.

EPISODE 2-

Typically, the first two people to talk are the bottom 2… In this episode, they were London and Isabella. Life would be too perfect if London went home. Sandra and Celia are next. The girls go to the empire state building and see Nigel and Paulina. Paulina may not be Janice, but she is one stunning bitch. Celia randomly gets the key, which means she gets to choose her bed first. They go to the house, and London immediately claims that she ‘haaaaytes Tyra’ because of how gorgeous all the photos of her are. They show other parts of the house featuring the winners, and I swear to God… I think I saw a picture of Nik. IF ONLY SHE HAD WON. Teyona gets a suspicious winners edit when she says ‘IMA BE THE ONE ON THESE WALLS NEXT YEAR’. Hmmm. I’m not getting slapped upside the head with her potential like I was with McKey, but she IS pretty, and she got the term ‘wind in her face’ coined just for her. Go Vulcan!

Isabella immediately stakes her claim in the bottom 2 by talking about how she’s from a small town and how this is amazing. Sandra puts her purse onto a small bed in the center… because SHE’S NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. I really wish she’d start ranting about Furonda’s fakeass crown with the fake diamonds. That would make me really happy. Alas, it is not to be. Celia wants Sandra’s bed, and since she gets to choose, Sandra’s purse gets put on the floor. UH OHHHHH.

We know, of course, that the drama is about to begin. Sandra, to her credit, doesn’t spit blood at Celia, but she is not giving up that bed. Celia is cool, and she’s all ‘Well, we’ll figure it out tonight.’ Then, Sandra brings it up again like 5 minutes later. She suggests that they share the bed. Okay, I’ve shared a twin bed before and that shit ain’t comfortable. London, with God on her side, is all ‘I’ll just sleep on the floor. I’m doing it for Jesus’. I kid you not. I mean, I guess that’s cool, but why not just be like ‘Hey, I’m a good sport’.

Isabella has a huge bag stuffed to brim with drugs. London starts this HIIIILARIOUS rant about ‘I saw you at the casting call and I saw that you had so many pills and I was like wow what is going on that is a lot of medication and oh my god I hope her life is okay because that is so many pills and I wonder why she’s taking them.’ LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF. SHE’S TAKING THEM BECAUSE JESUS WANTS HER TO, LONDON. Isabella talks about being epileptic and dealing with it really well. Dammit, that means no random keel overs in judging like Cycle 4’s Rebecca. I was really looking forward to that too.

The girls go outside and are told they’re going to be walking in some sort of naughty or nice fashion show. Everyone cheers, except Allison, who is kind of like ‘Fuck’. There, there, creepychan. Your walk isn’t THAT bad. And even though she isn’t winning, she does have a character arc for when she walks in the final fashion show.

Highlights from the show-

Miss J(ay) really can strut like a diva. He’s grossing me out these days, but he’s impressive.

Sandra walked about halfway down the runway, wiggled her hips, and then left. Everyone was like ‘Uhhh’.

Tahlia was pissed that she was going to be all covered up (BURN SURVIVOR BURN SURVIVOR DID SHE MENTION SHE’S A BURN SURVIVOR?!)… which, seriously, kind of pissed me off. Not every designer is going to want the scars on display. If we’re going to have to listen to this shit every episode, I’m going to break the TV. I’m glad she’s strong and she’s being influential and stuff, but jesu christe… Hasn’t Tyrant taught you anything? ‘THIS IS THE MONEY’ (boxes face)… not your friggin scars. End rant. Paulina rolled her eyes when Tahlia walked. I dunno why.

Aminat’s walk was the best one.

Allison’s walk actually sort of worked… She looked side to side and didn’t shuffle as much as she did originally. It wasn’t great, but it didn’t totally suck.

Isabella noticed that there were strobe lights in the show and immediately worried about having a seizure. Oh come on… that was totally planned.

Miss J(ay) threatens them all with judging.

I don’t really remember when this happened, but it was retarded anyway… Some of the girls were talking and joking and Sandra told them to take their stupid conversation to the living room. They were all like ‘Ew’, and proceeded to move their conversation to the living room and promptly began talking shit about Sandra and what a bitch she was. Lololol.

PHOTOSHOOT TIME. Omg… IT IS LIKE, SO IMPORTANT TO TYRA THAT GIRLS DON’T LOSE THEIR INNOCENCE SO EARLY… SO WE’RE GOING TO DRESS YOU ALL UP AS LITTLE GIRLS PLAYING CHILDHOOD GAMES.

Oh. my. god. Dumbest photoshoot ever. The girls were all dressed up in pedophilia wank material, complete with stupid bows. Allison’s eyes briefly flashed on the screen and I grimaced in reminder of her creepychan photos. One of the extras, playing a ‘bad girl’ is preggo and drinking from a brown paper bag. I thought that was super classy. You know that’s the one girl everyone is going to remember… She’ll probably be brought back next cycle a la Isis or something.

Highlights from the photoshoot-

Tahlia is one big question mark and she’s incredibly insecure… BURNSURVIVORBURNSURVIVOR.

Sandra’s shoulders do this weird tense thing.

Allison can’t do double dutch for shit, but she poses like a model.

Isabella put her hand in front of her face a lot.

London fell in the mud.

Pre-Judging Predictions-

Bottom 2- Isabella and Sandra. Sandra will get saved for her potential. Tahlia’s photo will suck, but she’ll be called out earlier than she deserves for her story.

You all know our judges… Blah blah blah. Paulina is still hot. DID YOU KNOW THAT TYRA DID A SURVEY ON HER SHOW ABOUT YOUNG GIRLS AND A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF THEM WANT TO BE TEEN MOMS?! INNOCENCE IS LOST EARLY, AND YOU GUYS, YOU SOON TO UNEMPLOYED MODELS, NEED TO BE ROLE MODELS FOR THEM. Pshhh, okay. I aspire to be like the preggo extra. That bitch was fierce.

JUDGING.

Sandra looked nervous, and her runway walk was perplexing. Her picture wows no-one (Her aside, the quality sucks balls. I know the economy is bad, but can we take decent pictures? Please?)

Celia looks good in her picture and in front of them. She’s good at faking it, because she sucks at hula hooping.

Fo looks cute, but she doesn’t look like a model. Hiiilarious, since J(ay) was all ‘Oh Fo, that’s pretty.’

Aminat’s face looks weird (Assholes. Aminat is FIERCE)

London is soo greasy that I feel like showering. She’s called out on looking a mess. Her picture looks like a bundle of fun.

Jessica’s picture shows off good angles, but doesn’t relate to the theme at all.

Teyona’s head is too high (she has one HELLLLLL OF A CHIN. Did I say that already?) but her body is at a cool angle.

Isabella’s film was a mess and she missed out on so many good opportunities by being unsure. SMALLTOWNSMALLTOWNOMG.

Nijah looks sparkly and happy in her picture… Which translates in human language as ‘great face’.

Kortnie looks like she escaped a parade. Seriously, wtf? How is that supposed to help someone? You look like you escaped a parade. Work on not looking like you were in a parade next time. Ugh. Kortnie, you should just go back to sitting on Earnhardt’s face or something.

Allison’s deer in headlights thing works. And it does. It looks fashion-y.

I have to cut in here with what fourfour calls the ‘Tyraism of the Week’. I hope to God (JESUS. LONDON, CALL JESUS FOR ME) that he gets a sound clip of this shit.

‘If your extras aren’t really helping, don’t be afraid to say something and, you know, tell them to just fake it, swing the ropes around a little bit more! Come on, please!’

Okay, I guess the advice in and of itself isn’t THAT bad… but can you picture creepychan approaching a preggo alcoholic extra and being like YO BITCH. MOVE THE ROPE. It wouldn’t happen. She’d be more inclined to laser them all to death with her Carrie-eyes. Moving on…

Tahlia IS A BURN SURVIVOR. DID YOU KNOW!? Tyra actually gives her some good advice and says essentially what I said above about not expecting every designer to showcase the scar. Yeah, so stfu Tahlia. Don’t piss me off. Apparently she needs to run around in circles in her picture? So much for good advice, Tyty.

Natalie’s picture is loved by Tyra, and hated by Paulina. I actually like it.

Pre-Call-Out Predictions-

First Call-Out: Celia

Eliminee- Isabella.

During the deliberation… Nigel talked about London’s horrible proportions. Yeah, no kidding. Get her out of here! They loved Teyona’s Vulcan look. Isabella didn’t stand out. Tyra proved why she should never have children when discussing that the way Nijah was holding her dress was cute– ‘Little girls hold their dresses like that. And then they pull them up and flash and you’re supposed to say ‘Babyyy, put your dress down’. Someone tie this woman’s tubes or she is going to make a baby with the rack of ribs waiting in her dressing room. They don’t love Fo’s picture, and worry that Aminat is one-note.

Call-out order:

-CREEPYCHAN… Hahahahaha. She walks BACK to the lineup and it is the single greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Tyra’s all ‘Giiiirl, don’t you watch Top Model?’ Oh, I love Allison so much. She stands there awkwardly, eyes a-buggin, while she waits for everyone else.

-Fo. FO REAL?! They didn’t even like her picture. Laaaame. I do like her freckles though.

-Teyona. Interesting stat- McKey was called third at first judging. So was Whitney. Hmmmmm.

-London. UGH. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

-Celia. About friggin’ time.

-Nijah

-Kortnie

-Natalie

-Aminat. Phew. Was getting worried.

Three names left.

-Tahlia. What’d I tell ya? Jessica looks pissed.

-Jessica

Bottom two… Sandra and Isabella. God, I’m good.

Sandra, you screwed up on the runway and in your picture, but you’re a bitch, so you’re amazing TV. Isabella, you screwed up in your photoshoot, but you were actually pretty cute on the runway. You seem to have your epilepsy under control, so what’s the point of keeping you? Sandra, congratulations. You’re still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model. Tyra tells Isabella to go practice or something. Isabella nods, and London slathers on this fake sadness bullshit. Seriously, Jesus doesn’t smile open fake-ass bitches, London. Isabella’s confessional post-cut was hiiilarious. She did a ‘cut’ sign and sort of rolled her eyes… like ‘Ugh, fuck this’. I think they made the wrong decision. Jessica screams boring to me, and she’s a box. So, I’m hoping she gets eliminated next.

NEXT WEEK ON AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL- Makeoversssss! I think we see Kortnie being like ‘Ugh, don’t cut my hair’, and then we see Fo bawling her eyes out about being so ugly or something. She’s probably been given a red afro like Elina… Since Fo is so racially amibiguous. If she does get one, I’ll stop calling her Fo-Licia and refer to her as Raggedy Ann. Because I’m a bitch. Anyway, makeovers are totally overdramatic. Like oh god. I mean, I can totally sympathize… Tyra’s been giving these women the most wretched makeovers lately, but for God’s sake… Just dye it back when you’re done.

I don’t have full numerical predictions, but I will say that either Jessica or Kortnie will go next and that I think Teyona is in it to win it. If I could choose, I’d pick Aminat, no questions asked. Yeah, her picture was pretty meh this week… But she has an amazing personality without the stankitude of Sandra. I think it depends on makeovers. The girl that goes bald is gonna take it. The girl with the weave is that other one in the overseas spoiler photos.

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