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Previously on America’s Next Top Model… Fo couldn’t stop crying about her awesome hair. Jessica was a box who thought she was hotter than everyone else, and she was SENT. HOME. 11 girls remain. Who isn’t going to the top 10?

The girls come home from judging, and Teyona is THRILLED to see her picture. She smiles the biggest friggin smile I’ve ever seen and I’ve honestly never loved her more. It’s cute to see how happy she is. She says ‘Bam’, in response to the comments on the screen, which say ‘This is a model!’ and something else that I can’t see. Bam? Did Emeril enter ANTM? Teyona’s jaw is big enough for two, if you’re interested, Emeril! Anyway, whoopee Teyona, but that first call out belonged to Creepychan. Your picture was overrated. And so are you, for that matter. Everyone on IMDb is hot for your ass, but when you win, they’ll all betray you. Happens every time.

Teyona interviews first about the competition getting harder and not wanting a friend to be eliminated, but secretly feeling glad it’s not her. Hahaha, bitch. Except I would be the same way. She then hilariously says that ‘Well, at least there’s extra space’. ROFL.

St. Aminat knows that every week someone’s gotta go home. Every week. She will now be known as aforementioned St. Aminat because of her ability to give great advice. She is smarter than Tyra’s lowermost fat jiggle. Nijah confesses that every time Tyra calls her name, she tries to grab the picture and run. Nijah, please! You know that you have to stand submissively while Tyra tells you that you’re still in the running ‘towards’ becoming America’s Next Top Model. Nijah does second confessional (Two black women in the bottom two? Not even! The bottom 2 rule doesn’t apply this episode. I’m calling it) about not being a boring person and needing to work on her intensity. She says she needs to show her personality, and that she’ll have it right this week. NIJAH, PLEASE. Your ass is so grass with a confessional like that. Haven’t we learned yet that unless you’re a burn victim, you need to already be perfect.

Speaking of imperfections, has Kortnie interviewed once this season?

Tahlia is upset by the critiques she received at judging about not being ‘on’ at the set and letting insecurity devour her ass. So many mean things I could say right now, but I won’t. I’m better than that. She’s binging on grapes. tahlia-grape-binge

I do love a girl that binges on grapes. St. Aminat tells Tahlia, ‘Don’t check yourself out until Tyra checks you out.’ Honestly, if this modeling thing doesn’t work out, Aminat needs to open a bumper sticker business, because she’s pure gold. ‘Keep it cute or put it on mute’ (Fuck you, Chris Crocker. You didn’t invent that!) was the first of many gems and I suspect that we’re in for many more. Because Tahlia is binging on grapes, I forgive her for the (soon to be broken record) statement about not having experience or knowledge in modeling. Cough, why the fuck are you here again, cough? She says it’s hard to not have confidence when she started out so strong. Cut to the burn victim in the bikini. Sigh. She really is a cute girl, but I wish she would be hilariously bitchy or something, and not wallow in self pity. She’d be so much more interesting if she did that. St. Aminat tells Tahlia that this is New York and that this is the time of her life, so she needs to be good and be interesting and if she can’t, she shouldn’t be here. Now THAT’S bam worthy.

TYRRAAAA MAAAAIIIIL.

‘Mind your Ps and Qs. And J’. Oh my god. That is seriously the lamest thing ever. Who are the writers for this show? Keep it smart, or shut the fuck up. Did Chris Crocker invent that one too? I’m not crediting him. The girls decide that it must be runway ‘class’. Has that douchebag given any constructive help since Cycle 3? I think not. He mocks the people who suck and makes weird faces at everyone else. I’m not happy with him these days. Most of the girls are happy about the supposed runway teach. Allison is like ‘Shit, runway time.’

Natalie tells us that she loves her walk and feels that she has an edge, since she’s modeled before. She feels she’s a great model. Giiirl, you better deliver with that kind of attitude. St. Aminat doesn’t like Natalie’s big head and isn’t impressed with the cockiness. She thinks that maybe Nat feels she doesn’t have to try so hard to do well and can just relax, so St. Aminat thinks maybe she should have some humble pie. To illustrate this point, we see Natalie criticizing everyone else’s walk. Hahaha, bitch.

The hideola bus drives the girls somewhere, and Allison (Chris Crocker’s ex sister… I’m sure) is insecure about her walk. She’s nervous. She’s trying not to think about it and not be consumed by her fear. Oh Allie. Just think about the pre-creepychan days when you and Chris Crocker were friends. Oh, they didn’t exist and he’s a lying piece of crap? Not surprising. Okay, then think of the creepychan days when your life consisted of turning the green hue up on photoshop and turning your bug eyed 4chan pictures into nightmare material. There there, Allison. Amanda will make it all better for you.

Everyone runs into some old Victorian mansion. Liverpool, in her loud, over-enunciated voice which I am growing to love (I’ve literally almost forgiven this girl for being a STREET. PREACHERRRR. What is the world coming to?!), LOVED THE SCENERY, BUT DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. Well doy. You just got there. Don’t be so numb, Liverpool. Out comes Miss J, dressed as a school marm. Hankie, teacup, glasses. He welcomes them to his charm school. Y’know, in spite of my feelings for him this week, I kind of like it. It’s campy without being Tyra like ‘Oh, fucking kill me’ terrible. He tells them all to ‘Simmer down’, and then remarks that they all look dreadful and need to scurry on and change into something appropriate. Does that sound stupid? It is. But it’s pretty bearable compared to some of the shit I’ve sat through. They change into some WOOOOONDERFUL ([/sarcasm]) tan pants, and we hear Nijah talking about feeling confident about her strong walk, but needing to push herself. NIJAH, PLEASE. YOU ARE SO BOTTOM 2. JUST SHUT UP ALREADY.

The walk is about pace… poise… elegance… Smooth. Uh, one of these things is not like the other. Noun… noun… noun… adjective? Celia tells us that J floats. She is blown away by his beautiful floating. I’m blown away by the fact that I’m sort of enjoying this. They all walk. Celia wants a signature walk that defines her. Her eyes need to focus. Aminat needs spirit. GUUURL, WHAT?! How soon we forget that first runway. But he’s right… She does look sort of bored. IT’S THAT MISSING FRO, I TELL YA. Fo walks too fast. Nijah has no presence and looks mad at something when she walks. NIJAH, PLEASE. What happened to pushing yourself? Kortnie made J spit his tea out. Bahahaha. Congrats pit-lizard. That’s your biggest achievement in this competition so far. Sandra has a case of the shoulder wiggly jigglies. J mocks, of course. Tahlia is too slow and she has bad posture. She needs more confidence. Shockerrr of the century. Liverpool has no poise or grace. Teyona got an ‘Oh dear’. Allison needs work. Her walk says ‘Help me’. So does the demon living in her stomach. Plus, she’s got bug eyes. Did you know? J puts a book on her head, and tells her to walk again. She’s embarrassed that everyone is watching her, and knows she’s overanalyzing everything she’s doing. J says that she needs all the help she can get. Natalie has a confident, ‘I know I’m pretty’ walk. J loves her and he loves her body. Fo likes Natalie’s walk too.

J calls for Bianca and Chantal. WAIT. Binkers and Barbie Chantal? HELL YES, IN THE FLESH. Two women more deserving of an ANTM title than Saleisha… Well, except for that whole ANTM being cursed thing, so I guess she was deserving of being a complete failure in the modeling world. T-Zone camp for the loss at life! Bianca has let her hair grow back, which looks surprisingly good. She’s gorgeous. Chantal ditched the bangs and looks very Nikki Taylor. Teyona was excited to see them in person… I wonder why they agreed to come back. Both of them have respectable modeling careers… well, compared to most of the ex contestants. They demonstrate ‘catwalk respect’ by passing each other on an imaginary runway. The Cycle 12 girls practice too.

Chantal tells them to be natural and confident. Bianca says that, for her, it’s about not overthinking it. CUT TO ALLISON. Cue end of Bianca and Chantal appearance. Ta ta, says J.

Back at the house, Liverpool informs us that they play a lot of games… especially truth or dare. She rolls her eyes at this, but laughs. I don’t know why, but I figured I’d point it out. Kortnie reads, ‘Who has the cleanest nose?’ from a ‘truth’ card and Nijah cuts in on a confessional and says ‘Our dares are crazy’… we immediately cut back to Kortnie LICKING Nijah’s nostril. KORTNIE, PLEASE. You don’t have to lick ANYONE’S boogers to justify your place in this competition! Nijah’s turn! She has to do her best Carlton dance impression. She says that her look and her personality make her stand out. Natalie’s turn. She gets a truth and it says ‘Who had the worst picture other than Jessica last week?’ Wait, who? Jessica? Oh right… Boxy McUglybitcherson. They tell her to be honest and she assures them that she will be. After a few seconds of pondering, she picks Tahlia. Tahlia gets this crushed look on her face and leaves the room. She says ‘Am I at the bottom? Yes. But I don’t have the knowledge that the others have, blah blah blah’. Cry me a river, Tahlia. Nijah rushes out and tells her to not let someone’s opinion ruin her chances at this. Tahlia doesn’t like Natalie anymore. Natalie is selfish and inconsiderate, and because of that, she’ll either win or fall hard on her face. Wait, is that how it works? It’s one or the other?

Honestly… that whole thing further proves why Tahlia has NO business being here. It was TRUTH OR DARE, and Tahlia’s picture WAS the worst one after Jessica’s. If she can’t take a harmless little game, there’s no way in hell she’d make it as a model anyway… NOT THAT SHE WOULD ANYWAY, SINCE SHE IS NOT MODELESQUE AT ALL. Seriously, McKey could loan Tahlia half of her bone structure and she’d still be more model-y. Binge on some grapes, Tahl-Tahl. And shut up.

TYRA MAIL. Take it from me, the runway is the worst place for excess baggage. Everyone thinks that they’ll have an elimination after the show. Don’t you bitches know ANYTHING? Double eliminations only happen when there’s 14 of you to start out, not 13! They all practice walking. Allison is nervous and needs to learn how to do a turn. The girls all sort of roll your eyes like, ‘That’s not all you need, bitch’. St. Aminat tells her to take longer strides. Allison is very worried that she’s toast in this competition.

Teyona comes home from getting her jheri curl fixed. It really doesn’t look that different. Sandra, who I keep calling Simone when I talk about her and so now she will be called that, of all people, is like YAY. Wait a second… where’d our HBIC go? Methinks someone was given a nasty edit! Or maybe she really does suck and is just toning it down. Teyona is ready to ‘get out there’. I assume she means to work. I see that Nik picture again and I really wish she’d won Cycle 5. Sigh.

The Hideolamobile takes them somewhere. St. Aminat is wearing glasses with no lenses. Um, what’s the point? To look stylish? Well, she does look pretty hot with them, so I’ll forgive. J tells them that they’ll be modeling Jill Stuart’s spring collection. Isn’t Jill Stuart like… almost a legit designer? What the hell was she thinking when she agreed to this? To make it interesting, they’ll be carrying bags. Liverpool thinks this is hilarious. I just noticed that Allison’s weave is a ratty mess. Why the hell don’t they do weave upkeep?! Think about it… Kahlen, Lauren, now Allison. What a bunch of half-assed douchebags. Tahlia really wants to get her walk right, and she looks friggin beautiful in the hairdo chair. Seriously, she’s never looked so good. If only she could look that stunning like… in her pictures. Natalie, who is trying to take over for Simone in the head bitch in charge role, thinks everyone is practicing too much, and that they’re gonna psych themselves out. Enter Amanda’s least favorite person ever, Ann Shoket. What a birdface. She’s so excited to see them ROCK. THE RUNWAY. She thinks they LOOK AMAAAAAZING. Stop trying to be like Tyra. It isn’t flattering, Annie.

Celia starts the show, which has a light that changes to ‘Walk’ when the doors open for her to step out onto the runway. She’s beyond excited. She thrives on eyes being all over her. Or something. She thinks the bags are uncommon, but she loves them and all the obstacles of the challenge. Her walk is awesome. Natalie likes to take risks so she can stand out. She does a twirl about halfway down the runway. It’s the most retarded thing ever. The Aswirl twins haven’t cameo-ed yet, so she has no business doing a twirl without their guidance. Jill tells J that she LOOOVED Natalie. J looks grossed out by this. Tahlia hopes she won’t fall. J is disgusted by her sad-ass excuse for a turn. Liverpool’s dress does nothing for her hips. She got really into the music and forgot all the obstacles on the runway. Birdface Shoket made an ‘ew’ face when Kortnie walked. Perhaps all Anniepoo can see is tig ole bitties, like the rest of us. Nijah is confident and excited to be walking. J doesn’t like her at all. MAYBE IF YOU TAUGHT THEM SOMETHING, THEY WOULDN’T SUCK SO MUCH, RUNWAY DIVA EXTRAORDINAIRE. Weird creepy music starts playing as Allison confesses to being afraid of narrow spaces where she can fall. St. Aminat and Simone walk and both do fine. Birdface loves Simone. Allison is backstage having a mini panic attack. She goes out and feels nervous, but tries hard not to get too anxious. Fo tried really hard to be energetic, and she loved the runway. Did I miss Teyona? Liverpool thought this was the end all. O rly? What happened to Jesus, Liverpool? She’s like NOW I CAN SAY I WALKED FOR JILL STUART. Yes, yes you can. And then God shall smite you for being a harlot.

J, Birdface and Jill Stuart come backstage to give critiques. J has a seriously ‘Doyyy’ like expression on his face. Jill was happy that Celia opened. She looked angelic and beautiful. Fo had a big personality out there. Teyona (seriously, did I miss it?) looked a little stiff. Allison was cute and quirky. J applauded her for taking his advice. She said she was very proud of herself for not sucking it up. Natalie had a beautiful walk, and she looked lovely. She was confident and strong. They hated the twirl. Showing off is fine, but only if its good. Hahahaha, and how! Tahlia had a weak walk and needed more confidence, as her discomfort was obvious. Cue the violins. This girl is going to be talking about this for weeks… if she stays that long… GOD FORBID. Nijah looked pretty and feminine, but she needed a stronger walk. Natalie and Celia did the best, but… Natalie wins. Celia goes from looking thrilled to looking seriously pissed. They kept talking about how Natalie was great, despite her stupid twirl. She wins Jill Stuart collection items. She’s thrilled that her twirl wasn’t enough to ruin her walk.

Tahlia calls her sister, Marquis. Interesting name. Tahlia and Marquis. I like it. This mom, despite leaving her baby alone with a hot coffee pot, seems like she might be cool. Tahlia says she wants to go home (!!!! Fo(licia) real?) because things aren’t going well. Marquis says that this experience will make Tahlia stronger. Tahlia wants to make the best out of the situation, but that it’s really hard for her. Ugh. WE KNOW. Time for another grape binge, babe.

TYRAMAIL.

Kortnie comes running into the room with Celia on her back. They’re both yelling and it’s quite alarming. Okay, so Kortnie’s four contributions, in four episodes, have been… 1. Defining Pit Lizard. 2. Making J spit his tea everywhere. 3. Licking Nijah’s nose. 4. Giving Celia a piggyback into a room. Hurr-ah. At least Tahlia has a story line. And she eats green grapes. What are you feeding the cans, Kortnie? The Tyramail says ‘Give it your all tomorrow or you’ll get thrown under the bus.’ Teyona does her best ‘under a bus imitation’. She looks remarkably like last week’s ‘Find your light’ #1 call out picture. ONE LOOK PONY, TEY TEY? Tahlia NEEDS to show her confidence. Uh huh. So do it. Stop talking about it and do it.

The Uglybus drives them… somewhere… One of those double decker NYC tourist buses drives up and Mr. Jay gets off of it. He tells them it’s a gorgeous, chilly day in Manhattan and that they’ll have to put their modeling skills to the test today… Wait, what? You mean they haven’t been put to the test already? Jumping around like pedophile wank material and holding light up vibrators to their faces wasn’t modeling skills? You’ve got to be kidding me. Jay says that they’ll each be telling a story. The photoshoot will be New York themed, and they’ll each have a character from a specific New York area to portray. They needed a photographer who was good at telling stories with his lens…

OH MY GOD. MIKE ROSENTHAL… Aka the best person to ever live. The man who will always secretly by the ideal father for my not yet existing children. He’s wearing a hat. I wish he was nude. He tells them to give him big energy. Oh, I’ll give him energy. He is the hottest man alive and really needs to replace Nigel on panel, because nobody likes a bald douche with three inches of Coverstick covering his wrinkles.

Sutan doesn’t think Nijah looks like a SoHo ‘artiste’ at all… Bahahaha. Way to totally insult the show, Sutan. He better not get fired.

Fo and St. Aminat are first. Fo says that they look like power bitches. St. Aminat says no way. They’re women. Bitches don’t look like they do. Fo, in what is definitely her best moment yet, says ‘Well whatever, I’m all about money’. She thinks they should look busy. Jay tells them that they’re very ‘fashion meets wall-street’. They start talking and bantering, acting like real stock brokers. They yell about money and look pissed off. It’s hilarious and cute, and Jay loved it.

SoHo time. SoHo is Jay’s favorite area to shop. Do they sell shirts with cleavage on them in SoHo? (Please tell me that someone remembers what I’m talking about) He wants them to be not just women, but an artist and her muse. Nijah immediately stands like a robot. NIJAH, PLEASE. So much for pushing yourself. She wants both of them to look good in the picture, but it ain’t happening. Kortnie is giving it. Nijah isn’t taking it ‘there’. DO WHAT MIKE SAYS, NIJAH, OR I’LL DO IT FOR YOU.

Celia doesn’t know how to hold a baby. She says that she’d probably hold it by its foot. She and Simone are meant to be overly fabulous nannies who ignore the kids. They look like sluts, but in a good way. Simone gets praise for using her hands. I wonder if she’s had lots of practice, if you know what I mean. They both did really well.

Liverpool and Allison have to be snobby, boozing socialites, or ‘Mike on a Sunday’, according to Jay. Is that what he does? Sign me up for a snobby, boozy Sunday with Rosenthal, please! Allison is excited to work with Liverpool. Ew, why? You’re so much better… Until this photoshoot, when she can’t figure out how to be snotty. Liverpool ‘looks like such a bitch, it’s fabulous!’ Allison has ‘real problems’ and can’t play a convincing bitch. She thought the creepo eyes would pull through for her, but apparently it didn’t transfer.

Tahlia, Teyona and Natalie are tourists in Times Square. Teyona is holding a soft pretzel, and takes a huge bite, and then promptly spits it out. How bizarre, and what a waste of perfectly good soft pretzel! Tahlia says that she needs to get over her dislike of Natalie so she can pull out a good shot. Jay says that Tahlia is delightful and that the other two need to feed off her energy. Natalie is ‘pantomime modeling’ because she used a fake camera when there was a real one right by her feet. What a dumbass. Jay says that Natalie looks like a model, but she isn’t giving them what she has. They all yell TIMES SQUARE. It’s queer. Tahlia continues to do better than the others. Natalie is sort of happy that Tahlia did well, and hopes that she managed a good shot herself. Awww, a redemption edit so soon? I sort of liked bitchy Natalie. At least she had a purpose.

TYRA MAIL. I feel like there’s been A LOT of Tyramail this episode. Teyona has pantyhose on her head. Is she trying to hide Jheri Curl part 2? What happened to it being so much better?! Natalie feels like she’s all set in the competition.. Liverpool is fascinated with analyzing who will be in the bottom 2. Girl, if you leave the bible at home, we can watch Cycle 13 together and figure it out in less than 5 minutes per episode. Allison is scared shitless about panel. Oh creepychan. Just think about the video your ex brother Chris Crocker would make for you if you were eliminated. LEAVE ALLIE (You guys know her as Allison?) ALONE… PLEEEEASE. Nijah doesn’t think that she’ll be in the bottom 2. NIJAH, PLEASE. Don’t be so moronic! You’ve been talking about bettering yourself all episode. That shit doesn’t fly when you’re the prom queen and Tyra wasn’t. Like I said before… you need to have burn scars to play that card. THIS IS CYCLE 12. HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING? The editing is so hilariously obvious… Every time the words ‘Bottom 2’ are mentioned, they flash to Allison and Nijah.

So, I took the time to copy down Tyra’s stupid public service announcement this time. It really is a laugh inducer. Here it is, word for word:

‘Once, there was a supermodel who wanted to guide future girls. So she broke out her rules to her owning your inner fierceness. Sometimes, getting lost is the only way to be discovered’. WHAT. THE. HELL. DOES. THAT. SHIT. MEAN?!!? First of all Ribsy, YOU’RE RETIRED. Second of all… I hate you. So, so much. And yet, I keep watching your damn show.

We’re introduced to the judges… including Paulina, who is ‘rocking the ponytail and the bang’ (She swings her head around to show it. Bahahah.) and the NOOOOOOOOOOOOTED, SEXIFIED fashion photographer, Nigel Barker. Ew. Anyway, is he really noted anymore? He’s been doing this crap since like 2003 or something… Has he done any photoshoots other than the one shoot per cycle? Guest judge is… Jill Stupid Stuart. WHERE IS MIKE ROSENTHAL? Hopefully he’ll show up for a second photoshoot like he did in Cycle 11. I just realized that both of his pictures earned Marjorie her first call-outs. I love him even more than I did before, since Marjorie is in my top 5 favorite contestants of all time and stuff. Tyra hopes judging will be as festive as her shirt. I hope it’ll look as festive once you spill barbecue sauce all over it when you devour the rack of ribs backstage after taping ends. The girls will be evaluated as a group and then BROKEN. DOWN. INDIVIDUALLY. Tyra needs to stop breaking her words up so much. She sounds even more retarded than usual.

Kortnie and Nijah are first. And…  WHAT. THE. SHIT. You cannot expect me to believe that this was the best shot when Kortnie was getting a generally good critique. It is seriously one of the worst shots in Top Model History. I’m not kidding when I say that. J doesn’t see the ‘artist muse’ thing at all. Neither does Paulina. Paulina essentially tells them that the picture is crap. Nijah, who is by far the better looking of the two in the picture, although that isn’t saying much, is apparently bringing the picture down by looking too ‘model-y’. As opposed to Kortnie, who looks like she has a stick rammed up her crack. Kortnie has intensity (she doesn’t, but what do those morons know?) and Nijah looks dead. NIJAH, PLEASE. Except you really don’t suck the most in this picture.

The picture doesn’t work. No shit, Nigel. Get out of town and get Rosenthal in your spot. You’re tired and boring to me.

Fo and Aminat both look amazing in front of the judges. And they do to normal people too. I’m even used to St Aminat’s Naomi Campbell weave.… Paulina loves the picture and calls it “Outrageously great” and says that it “makes her happy”. Aminat’s working her bone structure, and is doing the pouty thing she does without looking mean. Fo just looks awesome, and they’re happy she’s back on top of the game. Yeah, me too. Fo was in the bottom 2, but Tahlia and Kortnie haven’t been yet. What the hell. Even Simone is better than those two.

Speaking of Simone… She and Celia look GREAT in person. J asks her IF HER KNEES ARE ASHY. HOLY RACIST STATEMENT, except of course, I cracked the hell up. She’s like ‘Uh no… I put lotion on them’ and he’s all ‘Oh, okay. I guess you’re right.’ Why did editing choose to leave that in?! Perhaps for my amusement, since all I’ve heard this episode is how Tahlia needs confidence, and how Natalie has too much confidence and… blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. BLAHHHHHHHH. Their picture is editorial… They don’t look like nannies, but it works because they’re insanely awesome. Simone’s whole body screams editorial, and she steals the shot, even though her face is in full profile. She makes the shot come alive. Celia looks great, but doesn’t have as much feeling projecting from her as Simone. Jill thinks she looks a little stiff. Yeah, no one asked you, Jill. Celia looks amazing. Trust me, and not that witch.

Next we have the tourists. Paulina buys their fake smiles, because it feels real to her. Tahlia looks alive and joyous. Teyona looks like an alien. Seriously, her hairline starts at her ears. I hate her picture. Tyra comments on the pretty teeth she has way back in her head. Uh, what? I see a face that could eat me. Natalie looks pretty, but not genuine enough.

Allison’s dressed like a little girl… AGAIN. She and Liverpool are playing ‘frenemies’. Tyra is disappointed because they had the most pop culture to draw from, unlike the others. Say whatta what now? Are there not like sixteen Nanny shows on various networks? What happened to the genuine joy of the three tourists? HYPOCRISY. Tyra clears it up for me by name dropping CW show Gossip Girl… What a sell-out. Do you think Creepychan watches Gossip Girl? She then does her failure music… the “Waaaah waaah waaaawawawaaaaaa’ thing. Apparently they failed, although Liverpool looks pretty damn good to me. Allison didn’t give as much as she should have. She knows she overthought it. Paulina tells Allison that she looks like a hungover Olsen twin, which is mean, but I’m sure Allison took it as a compliment. She’s probably like, ‘Next time I want to look like the corpse of an Olsen twin!’. Nigel loves Liverpool’s condescending face. Tyra loves Liverpool’s look, even though she just bashed the entire picture. Liverpool’s panel outfit is seriously not doing her any favors. She looks so wide! It’s terrible!

Panel time! Which girl is getting on the Greyhound and leaving the New York State of Mind? Paulina says that Kortnie has a little bit of potential… More than she thought she did originally, anyway. Proof that Paulina will never be Janice. Janice would not accept Kortnie’s tig ole bitties. Janice would know that Kortnie’s picture sucks royally. Nigel wasn’t ‘a-mused’ by the muse and artist picture. Please die, Nigel. Nijah is wasting her model potential. She’s a yawn. A pretty yawn, but still a yawn. More on that later. This is the first great picture of Aminat, according to the judges. I liked her first one, but it wasn’t great, so I guess I agree. Jill Stuart says Aminat is the girl next door. WHAT?! Where the hell do you live, Jill? Fo was one of the weakest last week, but now she’s on top and she’s awesome. Yeah, her picture wasn’t weak last time, bitches. It was her incessant crying that was weak. Her picture was certainly better than TAHLIA’S, and Natalie agrees. So there. J loves Fo. Simone and Celia are the most fashionable in their picture. Tyra loves Simone’s blonde hair. I guess it’s safe to say that she ISN’T getting a new makeover, bahahaha. Celia is a model from head to toe. She has a sense of style. Paulina says she might not be a top model, but a model. Shut up Paulina. I’m at the front of Celia parade. Natalie is boring. Nigel doesn’t buy the emotion. Neither does Paulina. They all agree that she’s attractive. I think she’s pretty hot, but she’s gonna need to keep those eyebrows in check. I mean, I’ve got bionic eyebrows… They grow back like 2 hours after I pluck them, so I can dig a strong brow-line, but she’s getting a little Planet of the Ape-y. The only thing you can see from Teyona is her unflattering pose. Tahlia has never looked better… Her pose is flattering and fabulous. Lay it on thick, you pinheads. It’s not THAT good. It’s not fashion at all. It looks like a candid. You’d never see that in Vogue. Tyra, Vogue is this magazine that’s really famous and you get in it if you’re A GOOD MODEL. I KNOW YOU’RE OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY, SO IM REMINDING YOU. Also, how were these pictures edited? Nobody looks super-imposed at all. So, are you telling me that Teyona and Natalie may have had a better picture but they had to accept this meh-ness for Tahlia’s gleeful tourist picture? I. Call. Bullshit. That doesn’t seem fair at all. It explains Kortnie’s picture (sort of) but it’s still retarded. Liverpool looks good in the picture, despite the shot overall not doing anything for anyone. She has potential. Allison could have been better, and she gave the same bug eyed look as always. Well guys… Her eyes ARE buggy. She’s not doing that to be one note… Her eyes just look like that! J demonstrates. It’s actually funny. I still hate J. Paulina likes the bug eyed look. I still hate you too, Paulina.

11 beautiful wannabe New Yorkers stand in front of Tyra… But only 10 of you can continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s. Next. Top. Unemployed. Model. Simone gets first call-out, followed by Aminat, Tahlia (!??!$#?%@$# OH MY GOD), Fo, Celia, Kortnie (You have GOT to be kidding me), Liverpool, Teyona and then Natalie. Does winning the challenge count for nothing these days? Natalie was definitely better than Kortnie and Teyona. The bottom 2 is Allison and Nijah, to… NOBODY’S surprise. They’re both there for different reasons. Allison makes people go ‘Whoa, that’s interesting!’ There’s something special about her look. The photo lacked the interesting-ness. Is that a fluke or is it going to be a standard thing? It was depressing for the Rib Queen to see.

Nijah is gorgeous, but she’s pure filler… She can’t duplicate the shiny first picture that had TEN.SHUN in her body. After trying to push herself all week, Nijah is eliminated. NIJAH PLEASE. Sorry, I just wanted to say that one more time.

Allison is instructed to find her light (isn’t that from last week’s challenge?!) and is told not to rely on her eyes.

Nijah would still be around if her competition wasn’t so strong. Uh, what? Nijah is lightyears ahead of Kortnie and Tahlia. Seriously… these two just need to go. Can we please have a shocking double elimination? Tyra tells her that she has the goods, but needs to do more than rely on what mommy and daddy made. Oy. Way to make Nijah think about her parents having sex. TYRA, PLEASE. Teyona gives Nijah a big ass hug. Don’t kill the girl, Tey. She’s already eliminated. Tyra plugs TEN.SHUN once more.

Nijah is disappointed that she lost. The competition opened her eyes (Too bad you couldn’t smile with them… OH SNAP. Ugh). Her elimination speech is classy, especially compared to Jessica’s self assessment about how hot she is from last week’s episode.

Next week… Someone is getting bullied. Or something like that.

Some post show thoughts-

Why does Tyra even cast these gorgeous girls if she’s just going to eliminate them for being pretty? I’d rather look at resting on pretty than downright fug from Kortnie. Is it an inferiority complex? Jealous of Isabella’s epilpesy, Jessica’s boxiness, Nijah’s prom queen title?

Liverpool is quite possibly the least effective STREET. PREACHERR. Ever. I like her because of this.

Teyona’s teeth remind me of the Joker. I still am not on board.

I think St. Aminat’s advice is meant to be genuine. She probably responds well to pressure and so she wants to have to step it up as much as possible. If she does well, she’ll know she was against the best everyone else had to give.

If the judges like Allison’s bug eyes, why did they style her with a hat that covers half of her face? Also, she’s surprisingly nice, despite the fact that she’s the only ANTM contestant with pre-show work that makes sleeping difficult.

Simone is a way better model when she isn’t being a bitch.

Miss. J was funny as a school marm, but he’s still fired for being a horrible teacher.

I think ANTM’s suckage is rubbing off on Mike Rosenthal. He used to be the best photographer ever, and this cycle… his shots were… Okay. They really need a beauty shot or something. I’m so sick of these bluish hued group shots.

This is totally stolen from Television Without Pity, but it’s so damn accurate, so I thought I’d share it- ‘Tahlia reminds me of that old joke, “I broke my hand! Will I ever be able to play piano again?” “Yes, in a few months.” “That’s great! I couldn’t play piano before!”

Tahlia’s version is, “I got horribly burned as a child! Will I ever be able to model again?” “Sure, if you go on ANTM.” “That’s great! There’s no earthly reason why I’d be considered as a model in any other venue.”’

Please let Kortnie or Tahlia go home next week…

To see my ranking of the photos, watch the following YouTube. I’m not going to be posting the photos on here for a while because of the hyperlinkers-

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