Previously on America’s Next Top Maw-Dell… The girls sailed to Ellis Island for a ‘fierce photoshoot’ where everyone was sabotaged to make Tahlia’s first call-out more plausible. Jay reminds us that Scarsy McBurns was ‘REALLY GOOD’. Kortnie and Simone failed most of all, but the judges saw more in Simone. Celia shocked everyone in panel by ‘putting her own spin on judging’ and securing herself a spot in my favorite ANTM contestants ever. Tahlia watched sheepishly while Celia was smited by Tyra. Nine are left… who will be eliminated tonight?

Jennifer Garner is the face of Neutrogena now? Seriously, models aren’t even the ‘face’ of cosmetic companies anymore… It’s all about the actresses.

Back to America’s Next Top Unemployed Woman… Tahlia is angry and hurt about what happened… ‘It was so backstabbing’. Oh man, this girl just keeps getting better and better. Yes, Celia just pulled the concept of you quitting out of her ass. It was soooo backstabbing for your wishy-washy bullshit to be called out, and yes, so hurtful that Tyra totally took your side. Tahlia says that her first callout was a shot of excitement and confidence, and then Celia threw her under the bus. Seriously, are we supposed to look up to this whiny bitch? I want to slap her mouth off her face so she never talks again.

Celia didn’t think that it was fair that Kortnie, who ‘wanted it so bad’ was eliminated while Tahlia didn’t. She wanted Tyra to know, she doesn’t regret what she did and if she’s sent home for it… so be it. Seriously, this girl is class. She didn’t make a big deal out of it… She just said her shit, stood her ground, and that was it. No ‘Oh, I’m the victim… Tyra was mean to me!’ Celia for fucking president, folks.

Simone, in a moment of antagonistic glee, goes into the room where Tahlia, Teyona and Aminat are and says ‘I heard them talking about ‘it’ the day of panel’. We flash back to last week’s Celia suggesting that they say something at panel if Tahlia doesn’t. Simone doesn’t think that it was right of Celia to tell Tyra, because it wasn’t her business… It was Tahlia’s. ‘Celia should be worried’. I personally think Simone has to be worried. She’s being given the first non fight related confessional. Methinks this doesn’t bode well for our bleached scalp maw-dell.

Tahlia doesn’t want to go downstairs because she’ll ‘explode’ at Celia. Aminat says that she needs to say what’s on her mind. Tahlia is all ‘Naw, naw, I’ll wait’ and Aminat goes ‘Well, mind if I go down there then?’ Tahlia does sort of an unflattering GO AHEAD type thing and I see some stomach jiggle. Yikes. Aminat interviews that Celia made herself look ‘hella low’.

And okay… I’m not racist, and I hate to separate this into a racial thing, but what happens next is really just the most ghetto trash thing yet this cycle, and that includes Angelea bitching about sleeping in Port Authority. I obviously couldn’t type as fast as they were barking, but I did the best I can. Please understand that these recounts aren’t 100% perfect, but you’ll get the general essence.

Teyona, proving that she isn’t all sweetness, addresses Natalie and Allison seemingly… seeing as how Celia is standing on the stairs above her… and asks them ‘DON’T Y’ALL FEEL LIKE A FOOL? DON’T SAY SOMETHING TO TYRA. SAY SOMETHING TO HER. ALL Y’ALL IS FAKE AS HELL. Aminat accuses them of plotting. Allison is like ‘Uhhhhh… Nobody was plotting!’ Aminat is not having this… ‘DON’T ACT SHY. YOU WERE CONSPIRING. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS AND YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT.’ Allison interviews that she feels verbally attacked and and is reminded of why she hated high school. Hahaha, I agree, although I’m sure that my reasons for hating high school had nothing to do with my big, creepy eyed stare. Aminat continues on… ‘Your girl got sent home. YOU’RE DISGUSTING!’ Allison is like ‘… I didn’t do anything!’ Celia thinks it’s funny that all these people are shouting at each other while she and Tahlia are just standing on the stairs. She motions to Allison to ‘not talk’ and Aminat isn’t having that either. She’s like ‘THIS IS YOUR FAULT’. Tahlia begins this speech where she ‘admits that home might be the best place for me and yes, I had to question my motives’. It basically sounds like BLAH BLAH BLAH for me. Allison mocks her in interview saying that it’s all ‘too chicken soup for the teenage soul’ for her. I would only love that statement for if she’d said ‘chicken soup for the burned soul’. Tahlia continues that it’s ‘great to see her picture up on the wall and know that she belongs her’. Natalie chimes in, and is like ‘BRAVO. BRAH.VO.’ She brings up last week’s brilliant point about Tahlia being inconsistent– wanting to be there when she’s doing well and wanting to leave when she sucks ass. For those of us who have forgotten Tahlia’s up and down bullshit from last week, I recommend visiting fourfour and checking out his ups and downs of Tahlia last week. I still think Natalie is right on in saying that. She says that if ‘you don’t want to be here, they’ll try and send you home’. Aminat, who is not having any of this (Way to let everyone do your dirty work, Tahlia! Now I don’t even like Aminat), spins onto Natalie and is like YOU’RE PART OF THIS TOO? They babble so quickly that I can’t really understand, but I catch Aminat saying ‘I DON’T FREAKING LIKE YOU… AND IF I KNEW I WAS GETTING SENT HOME… I’D WIPE YOUR FACE ON THE FLOOR’. Or something. So then, we’re treated to the most intelligent argument since ‘I’m European and you’re not:

Natalie- Uh, go ahead and wipe my face on the floor then…

Aminat- You’re stupid. Stupid

Natalie- Okay. Okay… Continue…

Aminat- You’re STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. Let me spell it out for you: S-T-U-P-I-D.

(She keeps saying this)

Natalie- Keep going! Please, go on.

(This is not said in a self-loathing way, but more of a ‘You’re a really dumb bitch and you sound immature, so please continue way)

Aminat- You’re worth NOTHING. You’re phony.

Fin.

Natalie interviews that Aminat is insanely immature, and that she’s never had anyone disrespect her like that before in her life. I like Natalie, and I think I would probably most resemble her on the show for being conceived as a bitch when I’m really just honest… But that whole ‘nobody’s disrespected me like that before’ thing is funny… When would anyone have done that? When she was counting the money Daddy gave her? Oh Nat.

Tahlia concludes this brilliant rubbing of neurons by adding to the ghetto chic and saying that ‘Y’ALL GIVE NEW MEANING TO BITCHES AND BACKSTABBERS. SOO REAL.’ Okay, now go flush your head down the toilet, Tahlia. This is your fault. You should have quit and then nobody would be having this argument. Although, it’s the second interesting thing to happen this cycle… So, I guess I’m okay with it. I’m just pissed that the woman formerly known as St. Aminat looks like trash now. Seriously, why pick on Allison? She’s obviously an easier target than Celia, who seems very put together, as opposed to Allison, who was obviously picked on for being a freak in high school.

TYRA MAIL.

‘Cut it out. I don’t want to see any more blank faces’. Oh Aminat, I miss thee. They all assume that it’s going to be an acting challenge. Teyona says ‘Y’KNOW, LIKE CUT?! SILLY FACES AND SERIOUS FACES!’ She’s so utterly inoffensive, despite her little bitch moment earlier. I feel like I’m getting another McKey edit… Are we really going to have two bland winners in a row?

I must have missed the Hideolamobile driving them to the challenge spot but… Hayyy gurls… Jay is in the house. He’s standing in front of some mannequins that are dressed in loudly patterned clothes. He asks the girls ‘what’s missing?’ They’re all like ‘Uh… faces?’ Jay says that being dubbed a ‘clothes hanger’ is the ‘kiss of death’. It is? I thought it meant that your body was right for high fashion (read: nobody from ANTM) and that you would fit in on runways? Then again, what does ANTM know about modeling? He knocks a mannequin down. ‘To become an icon… it’s all about the face. You need more than that one smile, because it’s only going to get you so far’. We’re treated to four artistic cuts of the knocked down mannequin. How avant garde of you, CW.

Jay continues that you need to ‘walk in with SOME OF THIS’. He, of course, is gesturing to his face when he says this. ‘You gotta give some face!’ He introduces their guest is ‘someone who knows about giving face… Beth Stern!!!’

Am I supposed to know who that is? Apparently she’s Howard Stern’s wife and has been on Hamptons magazine six times. Looks like a golddigger with Botox to me. Jay explains that if you can book the same client six times, you must have some serious variety in your faa…zzzzz. Oh sorry. The euphoria [/selfpromotion] of the excellent fight has already dissipated because of how boring this is. I mean, really? Beth Stern? Were all the models busy working, unlike Saleisha and Whitney? Beth tells them that the best way to nail a scraggly haired pervert is to stick your tongue out as far as you can when you’re licking the balls. JUST KIDDING. Wanted to make sure that you were paying attention! She says that you always(!) have to practice(!) in the mirror(!) Seriously, she adds the exclamations to every other word or so. How annoying. Howard must paperbag her when they’re doing the nasty so he can’t hear her orgasmic exclamations. That is, if Howard Stern can get a woman off. Yikes, I’ve gone off topic.

Their ‘teach’ (WHICH ISN’T A NOUN AND THEY SHOULD JUST CALL THEM LESSONS) will involve them standing in front of a mirror and getting different emotional scenarios and having to show the scenario in their face.

Allison has to do sensual. Her sensuality makes Beth want to cry because it’s so sad. Allison needs to be extreme because her features are so exaggerated. Allison is sick of hearing about her eyes. She says that ‘yes, they’re on my face… they’re big… and they’re not going anywhere!’ Awww, poor creepychan. Teyona needs to relax her mouth. Celia is good at doing ‘mysterious’. She looks like she’s brooding. Tahlia scowls when Celia gets a good critique. Bitch. Tahlia is next, of course. She looks a little Downs Syndrome-y at first, but I’ll admit that she gets into it. She has to remind us that her confidence level used to be low, but now you can just see the confidence in her eyes. She’s thinking about guys (that don’t want to date her). But she has a cool eyebrow thing going on. How sad… I have to praise her eyebrows… That’s the only good thing I can say about her. Fo looks alluring. Simone thinks that this is nerve-wracking… This is? This means jack shit! Simone wants to be the last one ‘standin’. She ‘deserves to stay here till the very end’. Hello bottom 2 edit! Jay tells Natalie that she looks very Victoria’s Secret. Aminat is all ‘pfft’ in response to this. I guess we don’t get to see Liverpool or Aminat.

Icons need to give expressions. Tahlia makes that weird, unattractive toothy face. Jay unveils the most moronic challenge prop I’ve ever seen. I’m not kidding when I say that. We get five of those stand up cut out things, but they’re all famous Tyra Banks photos with the face cut out. Oh. My. Jaysus. Liverpool is literally smirking at this. Looks like she buys into this shit as much as I do. How wrong was I about Liverpool?! Jay talks about how ‘oh, I shot one of these pictures with Tyra and I know exactly what she was doing, so you have to give the right expression to fit Tyra’s body’. Yeah, her old hot body, which probably only took about an hour or so of photoshopping. These days, they have to use Oprah’s fat-cam for Tyra.

Celia feels that she’s going home. She needs to work hard and rock it even though she’s at a disadvantage. She pretty much sucks at the challenge. Jay and Beth say that she needs to connect her face with her body. Jay gestures to his ‘faaaaace’ again.

Fo and Teyona both sucked. Simone thought it was easy, but she sucked. Jay thinks that Sandra is falling into the background. Aminat was clueless. Allison was too sad… She wasn’t giving anything and Beth thinks she ‘might have a problem in this competition’. Oh bitch, get back under Howard’s radio chair. I don’t like you. Natalie ‘got it’. She was adorable, and she went for it. Liverpool also got it. Tahlia comes in skipping and hopping. Ugh, I thought emo Tahlia was the most annoying presence to ever exist, but cocky Tahlia might be worse. Just remember, Scarsy… You still jiggle. You’re not a model just because the totally irrelevant Tyra Banks likes your picture.

I really wish someone had stood in the cut-out and made a completely heinous face and then indignantly explained that ‘That’s what Tyra looks like!’

Jay and Beth give brief notes…  Celia focused too much on her body and not on her expression. Simone didn’t focus on making it real. Wait, so Tyra looked real in her bullshit photos? Aha! Allison is like a little bird. She lacks confidence, but if she can get it, she’ll skyrocket in this competition. Natalie committed to it… She was great.

Natalie wins the challenge and gets fifty exra frames for the photoshoot. All the black girls are like ‘Bitch’.

I’m seriously so bored. The things I do for you people.

TYRA MAIL. You’re all looking a little pale. I think you need some color. Someone, maybe Liverpool, screeches about BODY PAINT! Aminat thinks that it’ll be a photoshoot involving ‘facial expressions… and paint’. How astute of you, Aminat. Oh god, hating her just doesn’t feel right. You know… I’m going to blame Tyra for this one too. I bet Aminat never would have been this much of a loser bitch if Tyra had let her keep her afro.

Celia is chilling in the hallway… Tahlia comes out, presumably to speak to her. She sits down and makes a really endearing constipated sound when she does so, and then immediately digs into a bag of Cheetos It’s actually my favorite Tahlia moment so far. I’m not kidding when I say that. And really, when the judges have nothing to say about your body that is clearly plus-size, you may as well chow-down. But fear not, I’ll just wait for her to speak before I hate her again. She interviews that ‘rather than attacking her, I’m going to try and be an adult’. Hahahaha, I like that too. DON’T YOU DARE MAKE ME LIKE YOU, SCARS.

Tahlia explains that she was humiliated in front of the judges… in front of Tyra… in front of the girls… Okay, what? First of all, Tyra took your side. Most of the girls have taken your side. Is Tyra not a judge? Holy odd statement, Tahl. Celia says that the whole thing wasn’t meant to hurt her… It was for Tyra to know what happened. Tahlia says that she HAD been questioning her place in the competition but realized that she was wrong to say it like that. Uh, saying that you want to go home doesn’t seem like a brilliant concept to me, no. Celia continues on about not meaning to humilate Tahlia… She wanted Tyra to know what had been said, and now Tyra is pissed at her. She’s prepared to go home. She’s 100% sure of that, but if she is to go, she wants to know that everyone wants it as much as her.

Y’know, I really dig Celia. I think she’s mature. Way more mature than me. Tahlia continues to play the victim here… Acting like she was affected by the stupid situation at panel. Gag me with a spoon. And no, I don’t credit her for sitting down and talking to Celia ‘like an adult’. She let Aminat and Teyona do her screaming dirty work for her and THEN she talks to Celia? What. a. fucking. child.

The Hideolamobile drives them to some unidentified photoshoot spot. Allison thinks it’ll be an intimate portrait shot, since they haven’t done one yet. Yeah, you’re telling us. We’re so friggin sick of the group shots.

Jay is back, and I’m happy to report that he isn’t wearing a skirt coat today! He introduces them to Keith Major, their photographer. He and Keith ‘go way back’. Keith apparently shot Tyra’s Ebony cover.

Oh my god, you can almost see her vagina arms! And how much do you think was spent on THAT retouching?! We’ll start the bidding at 50K. Can anyone beat 50K?

Jay explains that their job will be to give ‘faaaace’ (gestures to his face AGAIN. Okay, that’s tired!) while being adorned in colored powder ‘all artistic like’. They’ll have to emote the color that is chosen for them.

Sutan tries to start drama by asking if they’re all getting along. There’s like, two full seconds of dead air, before they all sort of reluctantly say ‘… Yeahhh’. Bahaha, way to go girls!

Allison tries not to think about getting eliminated. She tries to emote hot pink. She thinks about girlishness, not the bunny sacrifices she thought about when she took the creepychan pictures. Jay tells her to keep thinking girly and to keep that thought alive in her head, but he can tell that she’s holding back. He’s right (again! Seriously… Jay is the man! He was right about Liverpool looking like Kate Winslet last week too!)… because she’s ‘thinking’ and looks like a rabbit in headlights, and the second she stops ‘posing’, she looks doe-eyed and adorable and… girly! He tells us that she’s too afraid of genuine emotion, and he isn’t sure if she can go much further. You know, as much as I disagree with him about her time left in the competition, I just can’t believe how reasonable he sounds. There was a time when he was just as ridiculous as Tyra and Co, and now he’s like… the voice of reason. I still think that her big eyed stare is relevant in fashion, so he’s reasonable, but also a retard.

Aminat is green and she’s thinking about the earth. She looks pretty. Tahlia ‘knows her body posing isn’t great’, but she’s ‘confident with her face no matter what’. Except when she wasn’t and had to tell us every five seconds. Perhaps she’s over it. Watch her get awesome now. I’ll know that we’ve hit rock bottom when that happens. She has less colored stuff on her face than anyone so far.  Jay asks her what she’s thinking about. She says that she’s pretending that Keith Major is her boyfriend. Jay doesn’t know what that has to do with purple but ‘okayyy’. Her photos got better toward the end, but she can’t always be sexy and sensual. Teyona is sunny yellow. Jay tells her that she looks like an ad for denture cream. Hahahhahaha. LOVE him. He says ‘Girl, you’re not yellow’ and grimaces. I’m sure this picture will get first call-out, because Jay hates it. He says that smiling is Teyona’s weakness. Fo was on fire. She was fabuloussss. She says that she’ll do ‘any color’ and she’ll be ‘fiiiiierce’. Awww. Fo-licia, I love you. Liverpool looks cool in her blue. Jay tells her that she’s genius and that she did great. Natalie is orange. She tells Jay that she’s using him as an inspiration for her photo… Just kidding… Jay wanted throbbing passion from her and didn’t get it. She actually needed her extra frames because she was so stiff and awkward. Jay can’t believe it’s the same girl that won the challenge. Simone knew how she was going to pose– She was just going to work her eyes.  She tried thinking angelic and peaceful… Jay sort of rolled his eyes when she said that. Simone feels confident and wants to get first call out again. Pfffft, Simone, you’ll be lucky if you get past panel tonight. Celia knows that she needs to wow Jay, because Tyra is upset with her. She hopes that impressing Jay= Impressing Tyra. Except it doesn’t work that way…. Ask Liverpool… Jay loved her last week, and the judges spat all over her picture. Jay says that she looked like Linda Evangelista on Harpers Bazaar. Let’s not overreact, Jay. I love Celia, but she ain’t no Linda Evangelista. Apparently this is Celia’s best facial expression in a shoot. She’s ‘feeling it’ now. She feels confident.

TYRA MAIL. Blah blah blah, only 9 will go on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top ‘Maw-Dell’. Fo totally just made fun of the way Simone talks! YOU AN EVIL BITCH. Just kidding… Fo is friggin adorable. Fo sure. And she’s wearing her pink hat.

Celia interviews that this is the closest she’s felt to elimination ‘for obvious reasons’. Seriously, if she’s eliminated because of this… I’ll be pissed. She wants to leave twirling, so she’s taking extra time to pick out her outfit for panel. She tells Allison that she feels a little bit like she’s choosing her burial outfit. Way to make this competition seem way more important than it is. But, as always, she looks amazing. She really needs to work in fashion… Not as a model, but as a trendsetter.

Tyra’s PSA starts, only the inspirational message this time is ‘paint on your game face and show the industry your true colors’. I seriously do not get this woman. Does she think she’s making a difference? Tyra, for the last time… You are NOT Oprah. You inspire nobody but Barbecue restaurants. And really…. you are just making these ‘rules’, Miz Banks. They cleverly coincide with your photoshoots every week. This is one paltry guide to inner fierceness.

‘And then there were nueve’. How multi-cultural of you, Tyra. Did you know that Tyra has never been on a go-see in Asia? Just a random tidbit. We’re reminded of the ‘fabulous’ prizes and introduced to the judges, most notably the ‘lovely, sexy, fine ass, noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker’ Um, ew. Tyra, HE’S MARRIED. We get to hear AND SEE about how Keith Major shot Tyra’s Ebony cover. Ughhhh. It’s NOT Vogue, Tyra. I don’t care!

Time for judging!

Aminat looks really pretty. Tyra asks her what ‘col-ah’ she was. The green looks sort of pukey, but maybe it’s my TV. Nigel tells her that it’s a modern take on green. How can you modernize green? It’s still green no matter what it is. They all love her lips. It’s a really hot picture.

Natalie is ‘Miss Long Legs’. Nigel mutters creepily about how ‘yessss’ she has ‘such long legs’. Oh my god. How disgusting! He is NOT sexy. J says that she looks more dynamic in front of them. Her face looks too round… Apparently it ‘falls off’… She needs to ‘find her bones’. Hahahahahhahaha. HER FACE FALLS OFF?! FIND BONES?! Yes, just go to the face store and ask for some cheeks, Natalie!

Tahlia is still wearing her hair in a devil horn thingie. Tyra thinks it’s a ‘safety thing’. Tahlia says that she wears her hair like that for volleyball. Tyra is all ‘Volleyball and modeling aren’t the same’. Anyone else would be dropkicked for that. Tahlia’s picture is really pretty. She has cool eyebrows, like I said before. I dunno how she pulled it off, seeing as how she looks like Goofy pretty much every time the camera goes to her. Her face catches the light really well, according to Paulina (I think). Apparently, a models job is to look better in pictures than in front of you. O rly? Then how come girls are reprimanded all the time for not looking like models? Nigel wants to ‘chase her’. Yeah, chase her tail, you perv. Tyra demonstrates by doing one of her BAM BAM UH UH type things. Of course, it’s retarded. Tahlia is asked how she felt after last week’s judging debacle. As if she’s the one affected by it… I bet she’ll get first fucking call out again. Tahlia says that she was embarrassed… She says she didn’t feel comfortable being she didn’t see what the judges saw in her. I’m still wondering what it is they’re seeing, exactly. Jiggle central? Just cuz Tyra works the jiggle, doesn’t make it high fashion. Tahlia says that doing well ignited a spark. Way to play yourself off as someone who has grown. World class manipulator, that one is. Tyra is probably even more in love with her than ever. The judges tell her that it’s okay to question yourself so that you have a place to grow. Ugh, PLUCK OUT MINE EYES. I AM SO SICK OF THIS. MOVING ALONG.

Celia looks fabulous in front of them, as always. She’s really embodied practicality, maturity and wisdom in her picture. Sounds like the beginning of a ‘You look too old’ edit. Keith says she was fun to shoot, and Paulina applauds her for that. She is also working the neck, which has becoming the stupidest requirement for a good photo. You don’t ALWAYS need ten feet of neck. But it does work in this shot.

Teyona’s picture looks nothing like her, but in a good way. She’s a chameleon. I think she looks like she has radiation poisoning. The judges slather her with compliments– Great skin, takes the light well, fun to shoot. Tyra says that Teyona’s picture is full of hope and optimism and she hopes that the Obamas hang it in their kitchen. Why the FUCK would the Obamas want an ANTM photo in their kitchen? And what happened to Teyona’s weakness being a smile? Must be nice to get a good shot chosen for you, Tey.

Speaking of sabotage…. Liverpool is next. Apparently she looks adorable. I think this is the first time that she’s looked pretty bad. Her skirt hits her at a really unflattering angle. She has no emotion in her eyes. Paulina sees the same face as last week… The one that they hated but I loved. It’s a strong look, but it’s only one look.

SPEAKING OF ONE LOOK… Allison is next, dressed as Bo Peep, as always. Her picture is very modern. Her neck looks great. She’s criticized for having no range. Good lord, if you can take your one look all the way to the bank, you should RUN WITH IT. She needs to ‘break it up’ with ‘personality and angles’.

Sandra had lots of great profile pictures to choose from, but Nigel wanted to see her straight on and the result is… blah. It’s interesting, but not powerful. It’s ‘too present, but not in a good way’.

Fo gets a ‘woooork’ from Tyra. She reminds Paulina of Janice. She’s fire. lust. desire. HOT. I actually agree. It’s hot as hell.

Whitney is this week’s Top Model in Action. Hahahaha, Anya was featured last cycle. She’s the face of some Fashion Bug line that nobody cares about.

Now, the judges shall deliberate… And I shall mock them.

Aminat is loved by J. He loves the environmentally healthy story. It doesn’t make Paulina ‘green with envy’, but ‘almost’.

Natalie is undeniably beautiful, but her face doesn’t look good in this shot. J says that her face could easily be contorted. Tyra says that she was at the top of the Pack (that’s her last name, hence the capitalization) and now she’s (turns photo 180 degrees)

Tahlia was one of the best, according to Nigel. She sucks in person, and they’re not sure about her personality. Tyra says her picture is like the Mona Lisa. Uh huh, right. Tahlia’s picture is on the level of one of the most famous works of art ever. Tahlia could literally show up on set with a paper bag over her head and Tyra would find artistic merit in it. It’s a good picture, but for the love of God… the Mona Lisa??!

Celia has the best sense of style in the group. Paulina loves that. She doesn’t love the tattletale thing. I am still missing the tattletale element of what she said… It’s not like she made anything up. Nigel finds it ‘hard to deal with Celia’. Wasn’t he praising her up the wazoo a couple of weeks ago for being so awesome? So now she just sucks as a person cuz she made fun of Scars? Oy. And really, what does that incident have to do with her modeling skills? Yes guys, this is a modeling show, not Flavor of Love. Lemme spell it out for you. M-O-D-E-L-I-N-G. The judges aren’t sure if Celia can survive this industry. Well, the difference between this industry and this show? Girls like Tahlia don’t work in ‘this industry’ because ‘this industry’ don’t like jiggle.

Teyona is photogenic. She’s appealing, with her smooth brown skin. Tyra keeps talking about her picture as if it’s some message for tomorrow. I’m reminded of Teyona nodding as if she understood what the fuck Tyra was talking about. What a brown-noser. Teyona is in it to win it. I don’t like the picture at all.

Liverpool’s picture is unattractive. Paulina thinks that she looks like she vomited blue and then died. I honestly think Liverpool is being sabotaged. She has more makeup than anyone else and it’s not her fault that it looks like blue cold sores. I don’t see how a different pose would have fixed that.

Nigel thinks Allison is extraordinary looking. He comments on her big, blue eyes, her lips and her ‘little teeth like a bunny’. He loves the shot. They all do, but they agree that she’s becoming extremely one note. We get a really funny montage of all her pictures, and she does look awfully similar in all the pictures. Hey, if it looks good, it looks good, right?

Speaking of one note… Simone’s picture is not good. Tyra explains that she had a lot of gorgeous profile shots, but no good straight on pictures. They want to see something different.

The judges have nothing bad to say about Fo’s picture. Tyra says that she’s ‘one of Mama’s people because she’s SMIIIIILING WITH HER EYYYYEES’. Paulina smirks at this. She’s probably thinking ‘God, I am a legit model. Why the fuck am I doing this?’ I actually heard that the CW is ‘training’ Paulina to take over for Tyra. Training her? To be a more delusional ‘fierce’ bitch?

There are nine beautiful girls standing in front of the rib queen, but she only has eight photos in her hand. Tahlia makes her unattractive Goofy face. This girl is proof that the ‘best shots’ are photoshopped to hell and back. You can’t take a face like that and translate it into photos like that.

The best picture of the week is… Well, Fo, obviously. Tyra’s all ‘You knew it, girl!’ We all knew it. She smiled with her eyes. Fo wants to go overseas. She bows. See? She’s even got the submissive hamster thing down.

Second picture… FUCKING TEYONA. Oh my god… Tyra actually convinced herself that the Obamas are going to hang that picture up in their house. This means that the only time Teyona hasn’t been in the top three was the hideous New York character picture. Hello overrated?!

Third… Tahlia. Oh my god. Well, at least this picture is kind of awesome. But that means that she has been top three for three weeks in a row. The rest of the call-out order is as follows: Aminat, Allison, Natalie, Liverpool.

The two ‘short haired blondes’ are the bottom 2 this week: Celia and Simone. Simone is considered ‘haired’? I’d call her the ‘blonde scalp’. They are in front of Tyra for very different reasons.

Simone is ‘lovely and beautiful… to the side.’ Ouch. Straight on shots are not Simone’s strength. The judges aren’t sure if Simone can do a straight on shot and wonder if she’s a ‘one look model’. Is that like a one trick pony in the field so happy and free? Let Simone be one look, if that’s the case.

Celia is in front of them for nothing to do with modeling. In fact, she’s pretty much got the whole package. She has gorgeous style. What she did last week, though, was one of the most ‘non beautiful’ things in the history. of. America’s. Next. Top. Maw. Dell. Non beautiful? Ugly is a word… Use it! Tyra continues…. ‘Girls have quit… at their own will.’ Celia threw Tahlia under the bus. Nothing is said about her picture.

Celia, of course, is safe… Because now Tyra can play God forgiving Celia for her sins against the Jiggle club. And while Simone’s picture probably is the worst one… the reason for eliminating her is bullshit. ‘Okay Simone… we picked your worst picture because Nigel was sick of seeing your profile… And then we’re going to eliminate you based on said worst shot vs everyone else’s best shot’. Honestly… If she sucked so much… why not just show another profile picture and then eliminate her for being too one note, rather than this heinously unfair elimination tactic?

Simone’s elimination doesn’t surprise me… Seeing as how she’s a really boring bitch… She’s lost all her evil spark from the first episode…. They’ve moved on and she’s no longer needed.

sandra

And are we sure that Simone can’t pose straight on? I personally think that that’s one of the best promo pictures ever. I know that many of us were predicting a win from day 1. I’m sure lots of people are happy to see her go, but I’m… not. If they were going to eliminate her, it should have been for a good reason. I think she’s going places… Her skin is flawless. And Tyra Banks is the only person this planet that thinks that inner beauty = modeling skills.

SPEAKING OF WHICH…

Tyra gives Celia a condescending speech about not trying to sabotage the chances of the other girls. Tyra has personal problems with people ‘messing with her money’ and doesn’t want to see one of her ‘top models doing that to one of her girls’. Okay, first of all… Tyra needs to get over her drama with Naomi fucking Campbell already. Naomi was a bitch to everyone, not just you, Tyra. secondly…. Did Tyra just allude to Tahlia being a ‘girl’ while Celia is a ‘top model’? You’re finally making sense, Tyrant! Celia’s picture ‘saved her’. Ugh, hopefully this retardation will end.

Tyrant asks Simone what she needs to work on. Simone is like ‘… Posing?’ as if she didn’t just listen to them bitch about how much her straight on face sucks. Tyra clarifies ‘Posing STRAIGHT. ON’. Simone hugs everyone, which I’m surprised about…. seeing as how she ‘wasn’t there to make friends’. She’s ‘pissed off and mad’. She ‘didn’t deserve to go.’ She’s ‘the best. They’re crazy.’ She ‘has potential and personality and she looks the part’. She’s also pretty delusional. I mean, I agree that she’s one of the prettiest girls there, even with a blonde scalp, but shut up already! You’re better off getting kicked off this stupid show anyway. She promises that she is never going to stop ‘maw-delling’. Fare thee well, Simone. I hope to see more of you.

Next week on America’s Next Top Model…. CLAY AIKEN OMG OMG OMG.

So, in conclusion… we can learn from this show-

-How to spell stupid! Thank you Aminat!

-Standing up for what you believe in is wrong and will be misconstrued as sabotage

-Skipping and hopping = confidence

-Howard Stern’s wife is an inspiration to gold-diggers everywhere.

-Paint on your face= a rule to owning your inner fierceness

Ugh. My guess for next week? Liverpool is so toast.

Advertisements