I knew I loved him… I’ve loved him since the days of American Idol with the ‘Aw shucks’ head nod when he was safe from the bottom 2, and even during ‘Invisible’. My greatest regret is that I never saw him in Spamalot. 

Previously, on America’s Next Top Unemployed Model… Celia tattled on Tahlia. Tahlia still smiles like Goofy and sucks. The house was divided… and Teyona did indeed say “All y’all fake as hell”. Everyone’s face was front and center for the last photoshoot, although there was no armpit hair to be found. The girls had to show their ‘true colors’… Simone was thinking ‘angelic’, which Jay questioned. In the end, Simone’s drama had run its course, and the judges picked a godawful straight on shot to eliminate her. Will Scars finally leave us tonight? We can only hope so.

Natalie hopes they have a Covergirl commercial soon. Me too, because you know Tahlia will suck at that. There’s a moment in tribute to Fo’s fanfuckingtastic picture from last week, but it’s not long enough. Allison interviews that she’s worried about her ‘one look’ critique. Who can blame her? What’s she supposed to do? If she squints, she’ll be bitched out for that. I’m still hoping for her to pull out the creepychan shit and just eat Tyra’s fleshy vagina arm. I would die of happiness. She tells Natalie and Celia, who is cooking what looks like a mean omelette, that she needs to change her look. They start talking about how she covers her mouth when she smiles, but it’s all very good natured. I get the feeling that these gals are bosom buddies. Celia then either mocks Allison or demonstrates ‘another’ smile and it’s truly horrifying. Her neck juts out and she ‘looks like a horse’. I cannot wait for the screenshot of it, because it’s going to be my desktop background. God, I love Celia.



She. IS. LOVE.

Natalie tells us that they’re having a big feast of a dinner, and are feeling relaxed for a minute… Without any drama. Aminat’s spidey sense goes off and decides that no matter what, drama will be caused within the next five minutes. Teyona wants everyone to wash their own dishes, including Natalie, who is in the sitting area, sprawled out on a chair. She says ‘Nice job cleaning’ lazily. Teyona is piiiissed and tells Aminat that Natalie acts like she is her maid. Aminat, who as we know thinks Natalie is S-T-U-P-I-D, is not having this. She thinks Natalie’s so snobby, and calls her a bitch. She doesn’t attempt to keep her voice down. It’s catty as hell, but I’ve come to expect it from Aminat, and at least it’s separating her from Danielle… Right? Danielle was pretty nice! Natalie comes in at this point and starts talking to Fo about how lame it was for Aminat to call her a bitch. She’s sorry that she ‘lives in a nice community and you don’t.’ She ‘can’t help where she’s from’. Oh, that is TO die. Seriously, that is some classic Paris Hilton shit. In spite of it, I sort of love Natalie, because she’s actually pretty hot, and she assessed Tahlia perfectly weeks ago. She continues on about how normal she is and how ‘these girls are wack’, and how she’s ‘never been rude. Or mean.’ So don’t call her a bitch. And if you’re going to, do it behind her back, mmmkay? And then she brings up comprehension skills, giving the whole thing a distinctly nasty aftertaste, and Aminat comes RUNNING into the kitchen and is like ‘What don’t I comprehend?!’ S-T-U-P-I-D, Part 2? Alas, it is not to be… Aminat says that there’s no point in talking to Natalie and thinks she shouldn’t run her mouth. Nat can’t understand why Aminat called her a bitch in the first place, since she was only out in the other room because she was disgustingly full and was clearly joking about the ‘good job cleaning’ comment anyway. Aminat has made up her mind about Nat, in case you didn’t know. She thinks she’s a bitch. And that she’s boring. She tells her to ‘GO WALK UP THE STAIRS AND GO AWAY’. Apparently Natalie thinks that she’s better than everyone- ‘Better, taller, skinnier, prettier.’ In between this interview, Aminat barks ‘YEAH GO TO BED’. And then she decides that arrogant is the perfect word to describe Natalie.

So many funny things about this… First of all, Natalie’s initial comment was totally harmless, and Teyona is an instigator. I can understand being annoyed with some girl not cleaning her shit, but why tell friggin AMINAT, of all people?! Aminat is kind of amazing, but she’s not exactly um… brimming with tact. And what is this business about Natalie being taller? Isn’t Aminat like 6’1, even without her ‘fro (RIP)? There’s no way that Natalie is over 6’1. MAKE SENSE, AMINAT.

So basically, I still like both of them, and I don’t really care that they’re still fighting. They’re keeping me from bashing my head against the wall from the excessive boring-ness. Plus, it sets up a wonderful edit for Natalie, so nobody can scream KATARZYNA when she’s inevitably booted. Rather than ‘You have no personality’, they can accuse her of being a snob. Which she probably is. But at least she’s hot.

TYRUH-RUH-UHHHHHH MAIIIIIL. I’m not kidding… That’s how it was announced. I think I shall start to refer to the Rib Queen as Uhhhhhh, since Simone is gone and Liverpool is probably going soon and we need more nicknames. The Uhhhhh mail says that they are going to be ‘molded into a fine piece of Clay’. Liverpool thinks that they’re going to be ‘sculpted’. I’m not sure what that entails, but apparently everyone agrees with her. Fo does a little dance. Not sure why.

Duh, bitches. It’s obviously going to be

And yes, I know he’s gayer than a 2 dollar bill. Yeah, SO? It’s not like you never had a stupid crush when you were younger! Someone, maybe Celia, is like ‘Well, WE’LL SEE!’. You will, indeed.

Seconds later, the girls are met by ‘legendary supermodel’ Paulina Porizkova at the Harlem State Theater. As top models, they’re going to have to show people what they can do… Something about stage acting with a partner? Um, why is Paulina leading this shit?  Does she have a secret extensive resume of films that I dunno about? I’m starting to believe these rumors about Paulina taking over for Uhhhh, since she actually sees them outside of panel while Uhhhh is busy trying to be Oprah/eating ribs. Basically, Paulina will give each girl a line and a way to deliver it, and they’re to use conviction and be as convincing as possible. God, you know who I miss right now?

Her name is Jade... the ace of spades...

She would be so off the wall during this thing. But, we’re stuck with these burnt toasts… Yawwwwn.

Celia and Aminat have to say ‘I have never said that to anyone’. Celia feels a little guilty about the Tahlia thing and says it a little too forcefully and then Tahlia rips her weave out and spits on her. Oh wait, that’s Flavor of Love. Celia has to say it ‘pitifully’ and Aminat has to say it ‘bossily’. Well, that shouldn’t be too hard for Aminat… except it is. She says it like she’s going to cut someone. Celia does pitiful pretty well. Must be all those late night ‘So real’ chats over Cheetos with Tahlia. 

Nat and Teyona have to say ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’ Teyona was to say it ‘shockingly’ and Natalie was threatening. They both kind of suck, and Paulina decides that they’re all going to be ‘beauty models’, and not the seasoned actresses that she is.

Fo and Liverpool have to say ‘You have got to be kidding me’. Liverpool is to be pitiful, and Fo is to be threatening. Fo answers my prayers and changes the line. Almost like Jade Lite. I want her to start talking about elephants being like ancient dinosaurs. Nothing would make me happier. 

Finally, the ‘two soft spoken girls’, Allison and Tahlia, have to say ‘You need to get out of here’. Allison is arrogant, Tahlia is ecstatic. Paulina tells Allison that she’s too scared to be arrogant. Tahlia goofies through it, and Paulina is like ‘Ew’. She’s zapped by the probe that Uhhhh put up her ass that zaps every time Tahlia doesn’t get a glowing review, since the pet project who can do no wrong. Instead of further telling Tahlia how shit she was, she tells her that she needs to get more into it. Paulina wants Tahlia to jump up and down. Tahlia sort of bumbles north and it reminds me of that carnival ride that sucks you to the wall and makes you feel like you weigh 50000 pounds. Tahlia is back to being Whiny McWhinerson and says that she ‘knows she’s letting her (Paulina) down. She wants more out of me, and I’m not giving it.’ Ugh. You’re letting the whole world down by pretending to be a model. Please. LEAVE. Paulina tells them that they all did moderately well, and that Tahlia had the most issues. It’s too late to go back, but Paulina’s bumhole regrets the decision to not tell Tahlia that she was the third best or better. Essentially, Tahlia needs to be more ridiculous. If I were giving her advice, I’d tell her to channel her ridiculous whining into some ridiculous other-career-goal.

It was a great, useless lesson, and they’re immediately given their challenge. They get a script, and are told to memorize it. Celia is ready to apply what Paulina said during the challenge, because acting comes naturally to her. We get to see Liverpool mouthing the lines, and it’s awesome. Her brow is furrowed, almost cartoonishly. It’s just adorable. She says that they’ll need to utilize the lesson… and that there’s places in the direction that say that they need to act shocked, and crazed. Or maybe Allison says that. Whatever, one of them says it… And you know that it’s going to be funny.

Paulina tells them that they’re going to be working with a ‘real actor’, and out walks fucking Jack Nicholson. PSYCHE. Yeah right? He probably doesn’t even know what this shit is… He sits at home and is like ‘Tyra WHO? Have I fucked her?’ Oh no, it’s much better than Jack… It’s someone who has sold ‘billions’ of records (I want to see proof of THAT) and has appeared on Broadway… A close personal friend of Uhhhh’s… OMG. IT’S…

He is definitely hitting the eyebrow dye… They almost look painted on. But um, could they possibly have picked a more low-budget celebrity? Clay Aiken stopped being relevant once he came out publicly, though we all always suspected. I love him and all, but wtf? Fo is literally squealing about Clay Aiken… She’s like ‘How lucky are we?! Clay is a genius!’ I bet she voted for him on American Idol back when we were wee ones. Smart girl. I voted for him too, Fo. 

So then, they have the most awesome skit ever. EVER. It involves each girl playing some washed up model and Clay is some fashion queen. I have to admit that listening to Clay be so overtly gay kind of turned me on a little bit, but his voice is identical to this guy I used to talk to all the time. So it was a little scary as well.

Most notably, the girls say ‘Do you know who I am?!’ and Clay replies with ‘DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?’ Shiver. Such conviction. Apparently they are at the House of Aiken de la Clay, and they aren’t at a fitting… They’re at a GO SEE. Double shiver. What a bad ass. Each model is all ‘I’ve had more covers than Tyra Banks’. Slightly less awesome.

Clay tells us that Natalie has a little bit of an attitude. We cut back to him saying ‘You will do what I say, SO WALK’. I wonder if he talks to his boyfriends like this… I bet he’s a total slut. And listen, I know some of you don’t want to think about Clay being intimate, but I think he’s fabulous, so suck it. He proves this awesomeness when he says that Tahlia is all laziness and insecurity. BINGO. This guy has seen her smiling toothily for all of 2 minutes and he has her figured out. WHY CAN’T UHHHH BE THIS SENSIBLE?! He also says that Celia had a natural comedic flair… Which is great. She was sort of over the top during her skit, but Celia= Love, and so I dig this. Paulina ruins this and says that she wishes Celia could bring this to her photos. Bring a natural comedic flair? So that you skanks can say she isn’t taking it seriously? I think not. 

Celia feels confident that she won the challenge…. So of course, Liverpool wins. I guess all that weekend work has really come in handy! She wins 5000 dollars for Joe’s Jeans. Natalie is jealous as hell, because she loves Joe’s jeans. She probably has a closet like in Clueless where she can match her clothes up on a computer and a separate rack for Joe’s Jeans. I’m kind of white trash and shop exclusively at Old Navy, so I dunno what this Joe’s Jeans stuff is. Liverpool is excited because there’s some already waiting for her at home, and she gets to order whatever else she wants from a catalog… But then she says that the ones that are already at home don’t fit her, and she doesn’t even bother to put them on. She says that she’s struggling with her weight, and that it’s affecting her modeling. She says that she feels less confident, because she’s ‘a lot larger’. Okay, so as everyone knows… I hated Liverpool at first, but this has to be the meanest edit ever. Yes, she’s always been a little beefier than a realistic model, but since when does that matter on this show? I mean, seriously… This is just cruel. If they eliminate her for being too fat and never say a word to Tahlia about being jiggly, that’ll just be low. These samples must be seriously tiny, because Natalie puts them on and struggles to zip them up. Natalie probably has the best body there, so what are these? Negative 4s?  Aminat talks about Liverpool’s weight gain, but it seems pretty sympathetic, not cunty.

UHHHHHH MAIL. ‘Do you play well with others? Time to find out’.

Allison assumes that there will be some man meat joining them. I wonder if Allison will do a good job keeping her extras alive, as Uhhh instructed in the first photoshoot. Perhaps she should threaten to give them nosebleeds. They all sort of squeal like bitches in heat, which leads Allison (?) to comment about how they all have boyfriends at home. Tahlia has a boyfriend? Wasn’t she trying to get into Keith Major’s pants last week? OMG, YOU HAD PHOTOSHOOTSEX?!!?!?! And why the hell haven’t we talked to these friggin boyfriends yet? Does anyone remember Nnenna’s boyfriend John? He was so clingy. And don’t get me started on Shandi’s pansy ass man. 

Allison really wants to do well tomorrow and redeem herself, since she hasn’t been showing any variety. Allison, you’re getting as boring as Tahlia, only I’m not ready to beat your ass because A) You look like a model B) I might wake up and find you trying to bite me and C) I generally kind of like you. This seems like a bottom 2 edit if I’ve ever seen one, so I’m guessing she fails at her mission, but whatevs. We’ll see.

The Hideolamobile seems to be on hiatus, and the girls show up at a studio and start squealing, thus ruining McKey’s Life as  Covergirl segment. Mr. Jay is like ‘OMG, YOU GUYS ALL RUINED IT’. Off topic, but did you hear that supposedly he isn’t gay? He’s just flamboyant and has made a name for himself acting that way, and everyone assumes he is? I say we sic Aiken on him and get him converted. McKey, who is so unfairly gorgeous, introduces Covergirl TruBlend MicroMineral foundation, which won’t clog pores. 

They’ll be working in (GASP) groups for the commercial, and will have a teleprompter, but they shouldn’t rely on it and should try to learn the lines. I love that they’re working in groups again. How fucking boring. They’ve had exactly ONE shot so far with just themselves. 

The two groups are basically legitimate contenders and girls with no shot at winning. Group 1 is Allison, Teyona, Aminat and Celia. Group 2 is Natalie, Tahlia, Fo and Liverpool. Guess which group is which?! Allison hopes to do exceptionally well, which means that she probably won’t. McKey (Seriously, could she be any hotter? Her hair has grown out a little bit and her makeup is perfect) asks them all where they’re from. Celia is all ‘Kentucky!’ and Natalie is like ‘California’, and then calls all the other girls ‘little hicks’. Teyona is like ‘Whore’, and McKey gives sort of an uncomfortable smile. How fabulous. Whatever, everyone else is all offended by this, but Natalie was being generally good natured in her delivery, so it’s all good. Teyona says that Natalie thinks she’s better than everyone else and she acts like everyone should bow down to her.

They each get a few takes to deliver the ‘main’ lines and then they rotate. Basically, one of them talks about the product and how it has different levels of coverage… and then her three counterparts says that they ‘like it sheer’, ‘like a little more’, or ‘like full coverage’. Celia starts. She does pretty well, and gets a curt bob of the head from the Covergirl representative. Teyona’s voice was fine, but she turned her head to the side too much. In general, it seems like she turned it out. Aminat struggled to get the lines out and looked pissy while delivering them. Jay says that when she walks on set, she has a Covergirl personality and that she’d be cast, but when she has to deliver, she falters and forgets all of the stuff that makes her awesome. 

We cut away for a few minutes so that Tahlia can remind us that she’s timid and insecure. She asks McKey if there was a quiet girl in the house. It’s funny looking at the cuts between McKey and Tahlia, because McKey is so friggin hot and Tahlia is um… not. McKey is like ‘Well, I was sort of the quiet one… I was in my own little bubble, but you need to forget that whole thing and let go.’ Pretty valid, if not a bit pointless, advice, seeing as how Tahlia loses her storyline if she stops bitching, since nobody buys her as a confident hot chick. She knows that she has to be more confident and step it up. Same as always. I swear to god, my carpal tunnel muscles start seizing up when I go to type that.

We go back to Allison’s take on the commercial. At the beginning, the girls are supposed to do a few poses and then step into the commercial mode… and she does the posing a little bit too long. Jay can tell that she wishes it was a photoshoot. She wasn’t a total disaster, but she was flat, and ended with the ‘same question mark’ she always has on her face. She says that it’s frustrating to hear this, since she can’t warp her face. Seriously, I bet it takes her like 10 minutes just to blink… You can’t just change weepy doe eyes like that. She hopes that her performance is enough.

Her group is done… and they get to go backstage and eat salad. Aminat says she’s on Cloud 9… She wants Allison to be on the same level as she is. Allison is like ‘You don’t think I’ll go home?’. Aminat is like ‘Well, we don’t know how the other 4 will do’, but she is apparently over the bitchfest she had at Allison last week, and wants Allison to be happy. Allison can’t stop talking about manipulating her face. 

The other 4 is practicing the ‘infamous Covergirl commercial’, as Liverpool calls it. They practice the “Easy, breezy” thing and Fo gropes Natalie. I wonder if it’s on purpose. Clay must have got their endorphins flowing. Meow. Natalie wants to impress Covergirl, because that’s what she wants to do when she models. Seriously, the mental image of Natalie’s Covergirl shot is pretty much stunning. She goes first, and Jay says that she gave a pretty average performance– It wasn’t genius, and it wasn’t terrible. Sounds sort of like Natalie’s inevitable elimination edit. 

Tahlia needs more happiness in her delivery. And a new face. Jay says that she looks like she’s going to beat someone with a stick. She’s tripping over her tongue, and Jay tells her that she is lacking spirit. She knows that she ‘let herself down big time’. Don’t worry, Scars. Uhhhh will probably tell you that you were great just for attempting the commercial, and then eliminate someone else for doing better than you. Jay knows that the competition is hard, and that this is hard for her, but he says that it’s NOTHING compared to the real world. I love that he basically just said that this show is a joke. I love him.

Liverpool acted like a door to door salesman. Or maybe a:

Rather than giving her some ideas on how to fix it, Jay mocks her for the rest of her takes. I don’t love him anymore. Also, Liverpool’s tank top sort of cuts right under her boobs and looks bad. If I find out that she’s making sausage for breakfast, I’m going to be pissed at her. She knows that she has a tendency to overact, and thinks she maybe ‘spiced it up too much’. She says this with her trademark over-enunciation, thus proving her point, but it’s endearing. Please don’t send her home, judges!

Fo goes, and Fo is cute. Pretty standard. Nobody really seemed to nail it. 

UHHHH MAIL. Obviously, someone is going home. Celia feels confident, and thinks she did the best.

The biggest treat of this week? NO RULE TO OWNING YOUR INNER FIERCENESS. I guess it’s hard to make ‘Get a contract with Covergirl cosmetics and let your little light SHIIIINE’ into an attainable goal. Or maybe the CW axed the segments since everyone thinks they’re retarded. We’re introduced to our judges… Nigel is just the ‘lovely’ noted fashion photographer this week, as opposed to the sexy, bonerific pervert from England… Paulina is wearing extremely huge and trashy earrings. The guest judge is Clay Aiken. Oh, thank god. I was afraid it was going to be that snooty Covergirl robot who didn’t say a word. Apparently Clay’s debut album was the highest selling solo album in 10 years… Really? I mean, I obviously bought it, but I didn’t think that many people did. 

Celia is first, and she looks amazing, as always. Her commercial is really fluid, although her neck is sort of scarily strained. Nigel commends her for looking natural, and Clay applauds her comedic ability. Was the commercial funny? Did I miss something? Uhhhh, being a stupid whore, has to rain on Celia’s parade by saying that Celia looked like an auntie hanging with her nieces (the other girls) and tells her that she needs to remember the youthful, bright client that she’s doing a commercial for. And thus, the old edit begins. Third place, most definitely. Just ask Renee.

Teyona is next…. and Uhhhh, who has been relatively stupidity free so far, is like ‘LET’S SEE HOW YOU DID GIIIIIIIIIIIIRLLLLLLLLLLL’. She’s like a Furby, only she speaks English. Nigel gives Teyona quite possibly her first negative critique in the competition. He says that her eyes are too squinty and that she’s got to be as ‘telegenic’ as she is ‘photogenic’. Tyra says that her poses at the beginning were a little weird. Yikes. What happened to hope and change shining in her eyes? I s’pose it’s just as well, since she’s winning and all… Probably best not to make it TOO obvious.

Allison is next, and she’s reprimanded for wearing the same outfit that she wore the first week to judging. Okay… STOP. Are we for real here? 


Say WHAT?!

It gets better…



(I know the first two look similar, but I assure you… they’re different. Also, how awesome is Anya in that picture?)

So… The past winners can wear the same clothes but creepychan can’t? WHAT IF SHE’S POOR AND CAN’T AFFORD TO BUY A TANK TOP FROM OLD NAVY, UHHHH? HMMMM?! SHE HAS A VERY COSTLY EYELINER BUDGET FOR CREEPYCHAN, ALL RIGHT?! The judges tell her that it’s okay to wear a tank top and jeans more than once, since it’s sort of basic, but you can’t wear a fashion piece twice, because then it’s ‘like Groundhog’s Day’. Um, okay. And wait…. Hasn’t Celia worn the military style jacket twice to judging? How come that wasn’t an issue? Allison apparently needs to put something over the dress to make it look different. Like Whitney did, as shown above. Mmmhmmm. During the judges deliberation, Uhhhhh wants Allison and Teyona to switch clothes. Teyona is wearing bright yellow, which looks amazing with her skin, but it is going to seriously clash with that pissed on blonde weave Allison has.

She looked like she was being punished in her commercial, but Clay said he was pleased that it was the loudest he’d heard her speak so far. Uhhhh thought she would look morbid, but was surprised that she looked cute. Do you think Uhhhh had been googling creepychan or does she just think Allison looks morbid all the time? She, of course, is scolded for not looking different. And really, I can understand trying to look different in a photo… but how is she supposed to look different in a commercial? Is she expected to wear a bag over her head?!

Aminat was overshadowed by Teyona in her commercial. She chopped up words and made them sound funny…. Apparently it’s okay for actresses to chop words, but models are expected to speak clearly. Um, what? Thanks Uhhhh for that brilliant and blatantly wrong advice. Also, I love that Jaslene and Natasha were the top 2 in Cycle 8 and they could barely speak English, but Aminat and Danielle (C6) are reprimanded for having a little Southern Belle. Bullshit.

Liverpool is wearing a headband like the one that Tyra hated on Natalie in week 1. Nigel says that her commercial is slouchy and sloppy. J says she acted too ‘hard’. Uhhhh agrees and does a piss poor imitation of Liverpool’s over-enunciation. They’re totally exaggerating…. It’s perfectly adequate, and she looks sort of confused by the harsh critique. After they verbally abuse her, Paulina rudely tells her to ‘not wear those shorts again’ because ‘they’re not becoming on you’. OUCH. AND THEN… The camera fucking ZOOMS IN on her (admittedly kind of jiggly) upper thighs… OH MY GOD! How horribly mean! If I were Liverpool, I would have been like “Nice earrings Paulina… Can I accompany you to the dollar store next time?”… I mean, ouch. Yes, Liverpool shouldn’t accentuate her flaws, but for them to say something to her that RUDELY just sort of hurt my heart a little bit. The poor dear.

Natalie looks great in front of them… Liverpool upstaged her in the commercial, and was much flirtier and more relatable. Natalie looked great, but she wasn’t memorable. J says he’ll remember her insanely stiff shoulders. It’s also funny that she showed each of the other girls when they did their ‘I like full coverage’ or ‘I like a little more’ line. Liverpool looked embarrassed every time they panned to her.

Fo had a hard time spitting the words out. Uhhhh tells her that she sounded like a DJ scratching, because that’s how choppy she was at first. She’s heinously wrong, as usual. It wasn’t even close to that bad. Tahlia, who hasn’t received a compliment yet, and is obviously going to combust without one, is told that she looked amazing in Fo’s commercial.

Finally, we get to Scars herself. She’s wearing a sundress, and Uhhhh tells her that she looks like she’s dressed for a spring wedding. Forgetting her own anal probe that Nigel inserted with his tongue, she gets zapped for not slathering Tahlia with compliments, and immediately adds ‘You look cute’. She would look okay if I didn’t have to see her face. They ask her how she did, and she says that she knows she struggled. Fo was awesome in Tahlia’s take. Tahlia looked angry and old. Tyra says that she has the most Covergirl look out of them all? O rly? I’d like to see a Covergirl ad with protruding Goofy teeth, please and thank you. Her energy level were high enough, but misdirected. Clay enjoys the anal probing and doesn’t mind saying that she was still clearly uncomfortable.


Celia has great fashion sense, and she gave the best commercial. Seems like a no brainer for a first call out. Clay really loves her and says that she took risks. They also liked that she didn’t seem to be reading off the teleprompter. Uhhhh tells us that in her 5 years as a Covergirl, she never had to read off a teleprompter. Oh my god, WHATEVER, you WHORE. You probably had more than 30 seconds to learn your lines too. Go choke on some ribs. Paulina says that she never read anything, because of her accent. WAIT WHAT?! So why the hell was this BEEYOTCH leading the acting challenge?! What a skank.

Teyona has been the most photogenic girl so far, according to Nigel. But she’s a good example of photogenic not necessarily being telegenic. In person, Nigel doesn’t get it. Paulina throws a major barb at him and says that he ‘finally said something that made some sense’, and she agrees. I hate to agree with these hacks, but I agree too. Except for the part about her being the most photogenic. She’s one of them, but not my absolute favorite. 

Allison is adorable, and she looked the best in the commercial. Clay says she has no personality. She’s quiet and meek, but the camera loves her. Wow, Clay is so… logical! He’s everything the judges aren’t… How refreshing and also sort of scary… Paulina says that she looks like an adorable doll, but says that she also has the personality of a doll too.

Fo was apparently bested by nerves. I don’t know if I saw that. Nigel sees her as more of an actress than a model, and says that she kind of disappeared in her take. Clay loves her faces, and mentions that she stood out in the background of Tahlia’s commercial.

Tahlia gets a weird tongue bath again… They talk about how beautiful she is, and how the camera loves her… and how she knows her angles. Yeah, whatever. They can’t avoid her self esteem issues, and Uhhhh gets to work at disconnecting the anal probes, since the Tahlia lovefest ceases here. Nigel says that she’s good enough at all the things they want, but that she needs to step up to the plate. 

Apparently, the judges never noticed that Liverpool was pear-shaped. Were they wearing blinders or something? She’s never been skin and bones. They love her face though.

Aminat had shitty pronunciation, but it was the least of her problems. She also looked pissed. Covergirl is NOT her medium.








Seriously, if Celia, Allison and Aminat are our top 3, what the SHIT are we going to have for CG pictures?! Celia is too old, Allison is too one note and Aminat isn’t a Covergirl… I love the idea of all three of them bombing it!






Natalie was surprising. She looked fabulous, but she needs more oomph. Nigel thinks she looked more like a Bond girl doing a Covergirl commercial than an actual Covergirl would.

The girls are all called back. Teyona and Allison have switched clothes. It looks sort of weird, but not terrible. Uhhhh tells them that overall, they all sucked hard and that the judges deliberation was really dreadful. One girl didn’t suck though… and that girl is…

CELIA. Hurrah! Redemption edit. I haven’t jumped off of Team Allison yet, but Celia is so awesome, and I’m glad that they’re over this Celia hatred.

The rest of the girls are called out in the following order: Natalie, Teyona (Another top 3 call out. Dayyumm), Fo, Liverpool, Aminat. This means the bottom 2 is Allison and Tahlia. About fucking time we saw Tahlia here. Uhhhh tells Allison that she’s the most editorial and high fashion girl in the group. She takes great pictures, but she isn’t versatile. 

Tahlia has a strong Covergirl look (Again, what? I want some of the crack Uhhhh smokes. Seriously. That shit must be crazy). She has an easy, breezy, beautiful face. If by easy and breezy, you mean toothy and goofy, then hell to the yes. The camera loves her… The STILL PHOTOGRAPHY  camera. Oooh, sick burn. OOOOH, I JUST MADE A BURN JOKE. I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL. They aren’t sure that she loves the camera as much as it loves her.

And then, Allison gets eliminated and Tyra gives Tahlia the crown for winning America’s Next Top Model. Yup, they get a crown now.

I’m kidding, of course. 


She held back, but that’s who she is. She’s shocked to have made it this far (and believe me, so are we!)… She hopes she inspired at least one person. She’s ‘a role model’. It’s ‘a big deal to be here as a burn survivor.’ The whole thing has ‘been amazing’ and has opened her eyes. It’s classier than I expected, although the ‘burn survivor’ thing was a little cheesy. Especially since any other burn survivors won’t make it on this show, since she filled the quota and all. But oh well, it could have been worse. And now I don’t have to see her anymore. 

And the bitch IS fierce, right?


Yeah, try and tell me you aren’t hard/wet right now. 

Also can you believe that THAT (^^^) got cut in the same place as this?


God, that is just wack. 

And I didn’t bother recapping the recap… Not that it was very interesting anyway… But apparently Celia and Allison are in love, Allison’s artwork is creepy, and Simone pronounces goddess like ‘goe-DESS’. Next week, the girls will act as creative directors for each other. Can you say CREEPYCHAN?!