I cannot stand this prick. I say we kick him out and replace him with any of the following- Mike Rosenthal. Jay Manuel. Clay Aiken. A rabid dog. A bucket of ribs. SOMETHING. He has quickly surpassed Uhhhh as the lamest asshole on this show… It’s almost an achivement, and yet… he shouldn’t be proud. He should be ASHAMED. As Dame Janice Dickinson would say…. ‘You’re dead in my book’. Everything he says shall be laughed at, even if it’s smart. Okay, thanks.

First of all, I just want to take this time out and say that my friend Cigarette Salesman owes me a cookie because I predicted that friggin bottom 2 WITHOUT SPOILER HELP… and I also wrote out the call-out order before they even announced it. I mean, how hard was it to know that Teyona would be overrated and Allison would be underrated? Also, I need new nicknames, seeing as how I suddenly have none except for the judges… This just simply won’t do. So, if you have suggestions… send em. No, seriously. I get like 400 views on Thursdays and I get no comments. I WANT TO HEAR YOUR PRAISES, BITCHES.

So, we finally begin our recap. Previously, on America’s Next Top Model… Amanda’s CW wasn’t working… So, I’m left to determine what was said. It was probably something like ‘Tahlia’s razor sharp teeth and jiggly body just couldn’t bring it during the commercial, so she was sent out on her scarred bum. Allison continued to be one note, even though that one note is fucking awesome, and Celia looked like someone’s Auntie. Teyona was overrated and Liverpool got ‘a lot larger’ and wore the shorts to prove it. Seven remain… Who will not be going to the International location?’

(I plan on using that sound clip at least 10 more times and I strongly suggest playing it on loop. Thanks, as always, to Fourfour for being so awesome)

Allison greets us and says ‘I HAVE A PROBLEM’. Girl, you don’t have to tell me twice. I’ve seen your Fo-tos, and that is the shit nightmares are made of. You have to be demented to look at that and say ‘Hmmm, I think I’ll put that online’. She tells us that she doesn’t know how to look different, and we’re treated (NOT) to Uhhh whinging about Allison’s one-look model thing. Again, I stress this… If the one look is awesome… Then who cares? Well, I guess a horse jaw > big ass eyes, since Teyona can do NO wrong for these judges. Celia, who is Allison’s best buddy, as we learned in last week’s recap episode, knows that Allison is having a hard time distorting her face because she has such distinctive features. Celia is envious of Allison’s ‘naturally expressive eyes.’ All Allison has to do is ‘use an eye muscle’. If Celia wants to convey emotion, she has to ‘think of sex’. SAY WHATTA WHAT NOW?!?!? As if I couldn’t love this girl more… She’s supposedly thinking of sex during her photos!!! SCREAM! I doubt that’s what Uhhhh had in mind when she wanted the girls to portray ‘childlike innocence’ in the first photoshoot! Celia was imagining herself on someone’s light vibrator! Can I get a hell yes for this bitch?

So, Teyona said that last panel was scary cuz it wasn’t like the judges said that ‘any of y’all did real well’. Um, what? I’m accused by one specific rabid Teyona fan on my forum of hating her for no reason which is false because 1) I don’t hate her, I simply don’t jerk off about her jheri curl weave every night and 2) She gives me plenty of reasons…. Such as ‘Any of y’all did real well’. How hard is it to say ‘None of us did a good job?’ This must be the cycle of ‘Accents are okay’. Danielle and Anya were reamed out for having accents, but deaf voiced Jaslene and Michigan and proud of it CariDee never heard a damn word. Teyona sort of has a country bumpkin thing going for her, much like Danielle. Well, whatever.

Aminat knows that she needs to step it up. She totally just cemented herself in the bottom 2… Has that bitch had a confessional since her S-T-U-P-I-D fight with Natalie? And now she’s second to do one? Yeah, okay. Subtle editing by the good folks at the CW, as always. They show us a little montage of the judges mocking the way she talks. So, she’s not allowed to have an accent but Teyona can? Ew. Aminat assures us that she CAN say ‘choose’, and she isn’t saying it like ‘tchews’. Except she sort of is. But she ‘can say it’. She knows that she has ‘it’, but she didn’t show ‘it’ when it was needed. Way to go, Aminat. Be awesome when nobody is watching, and then suck when it counts the most.

UHHHH MAIL. ‘A top model knows how to be direct’. Teyona is like “Direct? Plane? GET IT?’ I do. I get it. Overseas location. Give it time, girl. You know that only six make it overseas, and this episode just started! She has her ‘cheeks crossed’ that they’re going abroad. I hearing you collectry, Teyrona? You keeding lite now, right? (That was supposed to be Christmas Eve from Avenue Q… Shut up, I’m tired) How exactly does one cross their cheeks? I know she’s got some monster face on her, but… cross them? I’m almost inclined to call her Cheeks, except that was my ex roommate’s name and he’s the most nauseatingly gross person on Planet Earth, so I’ll have to come up with something else. Ugh, cheeks crossed?

Celia and Allison (who are like a pair… Sort of like Marjoleigh from last cycle, only there hasn’t been any vajayjay shaving parties yet… Allia? Sounds way too much like Tahlia for me. Celison? I like that!) are hanging out with Liverpool. Celia is like ‘You’re a street preacher, right?’ (Remember the GIF? REMEMBER HOW CUTE IT IS?!) Celia wants to know how the whole thing works… ‘Do you go up to random people and just talk to them’. Uh, yes. Haven’t you lived in NYC for like 2 years, Celia? You’ve never encountered one of those people who just stands on the streets and talks until they go hoarse? You have to admire their devotion, at least. Liverpool talks about how rough the past week has been for her, and about how she’s ‘very serene because God put that in her’. She’s kept up her ‘relationship with God and had confidence in Him; it’s because of Him that I’m here’. It’s the first we’ve heard of her God since episode 2, and it screams closing eulogy to me… Like, MAY AS WELL GET THE JESUS FREAKING OUT WHILE I STILL HAVE SCREENTIME. I wish she’d exorcised Tahlia weeks ago. It’s been like 11 cycles since we’ve had a prayer for someone’s sins. I hate to say this, but Liverpool’s haircut, which I initially hated and then loved, is now looking pretty damn bad. It hits her right at the widest part of her face. Agyness Deyn, she is not. But then again… who is? Nobody, except Agyness Deyn.

We get to see this HILARIOUS cut of the girls walking while Fo puts her signature pink hat on. Because of this, it takes a good 5-6 seconds for her to place the hat atop her head, WHILST walking forward with the hat already on. Oh, fuck you editors. You’re fooling nobody with your clever tricks. Mr. Jay is there for him. You may recall that last week, I said something about him faking the gay thing. Hoo boy, was I wrong. It’s actually MISS J that is probably heterosexual, and Mr Jay is definitely a ‘dickslut’, as one of my fellow forum users said. Jay reminds us all what a creative director is– The person in charge of ‘the creative umbrella- hair, makeup, clothes, lighting’. He tells them that if they can understand his job, they will ultimately be better models. I think his job would be fun, to be honest. All he has to do is tell certain people that they suck and tell others that they’re working it. And then he gets a check. Their challenge is to emulate Jay himself and be creative directors for each other. Helping him judge is… Ugh. BLECH. Ann SUCKet. I cannot stand this bird-like bitch. She gives me Avian flu. Ugh, ugh, ugh. YUCK. Haven’t I already seen enough of her this cycle? They’re modeling Southpole Juniors, which is an ‘important streetwear industry’. I mean, hell yes… Dolce and What? Southpole Juniors, bitch. I mean, really… SUCKet talks about this company so self righteously that you’d swear they paid for her eyebrow lift! Aminat loves Southpole Juniors…. She wears it all the time, so it’s important for her to do well. The winner gets to be in the June issue of Seventeen magazine. Fo is gushing about how awesome this is, and how exciting it will be to get a blurb in Seventeen. She comes off a little moronic, and it’ll prove to ring through for the whole episode. I still love her and her little shit spatter freckles, but she’s clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed. Which is fine, as long as she can model.

Sutan tells Liverpool and Fo that he’s knitting himself a blanket in case the shoot is boring. Bahahaha, okay…. He can also replace Nigel on the panel. Any time. Allison is going to be styling Aminat– She wants her hair to be curly, but flat on the top. It looks amazing on her. Natalie has Teyona, and wants to give her big, sexy hair and ‘dewy skin’. Natalie calls herself a visionary and knows exactly what she wants. It just dawned on me… She resembles a more modelesque Sasha Grey. For those of you who dunno who that is… Google her, but turn your safe search on. I know Natalie is proving to be a snubber of all things less than six figures in value, but dammit, I LIKE her. She’s just… hot as hell. And she wants Teyona to walk in all the pictures ‘with purpose’. I might start calling her Sasha, just to confuse everyone. People are always asking me who Simone is. Since she’s gone, maybe we’ll have to start calling Natalie ‘Sasha’. Jay says that the styling for Teyona was good, but that the photos just ended up looking awkward.

Allison wants something edgy for Aminat… Jay can’t believe how much she’s talking. She says that she’s more into this project than any other she’s had to do so far. She’s ‘very creative and wants to showcase that’. Seriously, check out her inventive bent at the waist in the baby prostitute-esque pink frock with the shit smudged around her eyes. Not literal shit, but like… eye shit. Yeah. It’s scary. She tells us that she’s ‘not always hiding under her hair’. I love the idea of Allison being like Cousin It or something, just smothered in frizzy blonde weave. And why is it that she always looks so weirdly different in her confessionals? Did they tighten her braids and just not tell us? Anyway, Allison does a great job making Aminat look hotter than ever before, and Jay loves the styling.

Fo has London, and she’s worried about what Liverpool is going to wear. Wow, bitch. I mean, I’m not off her train or anything, but that was sort of a catty thing to say! Liverpool feels ‘fat as a freak’. Y’know, not all freaks are fat. And not all fatties are freaks. Seriously, Liverpool…. You’re not even the freakiest fatty they’ve had. But we’re NOT getting Tahlia back. No way. Liverpool says that she’s gained something like ’10 to 15 pounds’. And when you aren’t the skinniest gal to begin with, it does show. She’s not fat for the real world by any stretch, but to model? Listen, the thighs weren’t in the best shape to begin with. Ugh, weeks ago, I would be cackling at her misfortunate, but now I just FEEL BAD. Fo wants Liverpool to be flirty and fun. Jay reduces the photos to a holiday Gap ad. Ouch.

Aminat has to style Natalie, which I’m sure is a coincidence (NOTTTT). Aminat doesn’t like Natalie. Ah yes, Natalie. That S-T-U-P-I-D girl. Aminat wants to ‘put her professional face on’. She spends way too much lollygagging in wardrobe, and Jay suddenly tells her that she has about 15 minutes to get frames done, even though Natalie is like… balls to the wall with curlers in her hair. Aminat feels shitty, of course, and Natalie is like ‘You have to play by the rules in these challenges’. And she totally gloats. Hahaha, what an awesome bitch. She’s much more watchable than Simone was anyway, and all these clams about Aminat being the new head bitch? Pfft, false. Flailing your arms around doesn’t equal personality. I think I stole that from a blog. If I did, I’m sorry. Anyway, Aminat hustles Natalie out of hair and tells her to convey ‘urban chic’. She gets all pissed off when Jay tells her that she took too long getting Natalie ready, and says that it wasn’t her fault that their hair took forfuckingever. Right, except, it sort of was. Ugh, I hate that I hate Aminat. I used to love her! But Natalie’s picture is still hot as hell. Well done team.

Teyona wants Celia to be some sort of hood diva walking out of her house in the projects on a sunny morning. The most disturbing thing about that statement is that I got what she meant. I think Celia looks sort of look a sophisticated horse back riding teacher, but she looks cool. Jay loves the look, and is surprised that Teyona directed it, since it sort of has Celia’s personal flair written all over it.

Allison isn’t ‘street anything’, according to Liverpool (and definitely not street.preacher. Street satanic worshipper, maybe…), so she’s going to go for a more ‘rocker chic’ thing. Jay loves the makeup (which rocks… It emphasizes Allison’s huge eyes) but he hates the headband. It’s very reminiscent of Liverpool in the first episode when I still hated her guts. Jay doesn’t like that Allison is styled that way. Her picture is friggin phenomenal.

Celia says that they’re going to give Fo a ‘Fo-hawk’. She puts a huge emphasis on the word ‘FO’. I hope it was intentional. She wants a really masculine hairdo, and feminine makeup. How soon we forget how Fo was bawling about looking butch just a few short weeks ago. Celia found a dress in wardrobe immediately that ‘spoke to her’. She picked a shot of Fo that cut off at the shoes. As someone who obsessively plays Jojo’s Fashion Show, let me tell you… That’s a major faux pas.

Time for critiques from Jay and SUCKet. Allison’s chatty demeanor was brought up again. Jay loved that, and her creativity. He didn’t think she was mindful of the time, and was essentially all over the place. Liverpool gave ‘Liverpool on Allison’, not ‘Streetwear with attitude’, but she did pick the best picture for the final shot. Teyona did a great job styling, but she ‘totally passed by’ the shot that Jay and Sucky McSuckersuck liked the best. Aminat was the worst at time management, but wrangled a perfect pose from Natalie… Something that was ‘so Seventeen’. Shut up, SUCKet. Nobody likes you. I mean NOBODY. If people want that ice queen Atoosa Rubenstein back, you know you’re crap.

The winner of the challenge is… TAHLIA. Hah, just wanted to make sure everyone was still awake. No, Teyona wins, of course. She’s like ‘Y’all don’t understand how big this is for me’. Except we all do. We get that it’s not big at all, seeing as how Seventeen is hardly the pinacle of high fashion. And why the fuck did she just say y’all again. Can she not just say ‘you’? It touches Teyona’s heart, this win. Well, that’s very sweet. She gets to choose two people, so she chooses her model, Celia, and Aminat, to the surprise of nobody except Fo, who thought she was Teyona’s ‘homie’, and would be chosen since ‘Teyona and Celia aren’t the best of friends’. Yes, but Teyona doesn’t think Celia is S-T-U-P-I-D either, and now that Scars is gone… It’s okay to fraternize with the enemy. Fo says that being snubbed was a slap in the face.

We get to see three of the least commercial looking girls do an uber comercial spread for Seventeen. All three of them pull out decent pictures.

Natalie thinks that Allison should have won the challenge. I agree. Who knew that bouncy curls looked so damn sexy on Aminat? Oh wait… WE ALL DID. WHEN THEY WERE AN AFRO ON TOP OF HER DAMN HEAD. Allison is sad that she didn’t win. She now knows that she can be more direct about what she’s feeling.

UHHH MAIL. ‘Less R&R, and more R&B’. Or something. Seriously, who cares? Those things are so fucking stupid anyway, and it’s not like anyone guesses correctly on their meaning. Seconds later, Jay Manuel is entering the house at what appears to be the wee hours of the morning. He’s all chipper and ‘Get up, Allison!’ She looks like she’d rather die a slow, lingering death. Liverpool looks a little out of it too. Allison can’t believe that ‘Jay is in the house’. She thinks she ‘looked like a woodland creature crawling out of the woods’. Yeah, she’s not far off. That weave is such a problem! Jay starts simpering about how they’re doing their makeup ‘top model style’, and how they’ll get it all done in their very own living room. Fo thinks this is pretty much on par with a million bucks, and can’t believe what a luxury it is! Am I missing something here? Makeup in your house. Big friggin whoop, you know?

So then, the doorbell rings. Teyona scampers to get it. SOMEONE’S a morning person. And OMG, ‘IT’S CIARA, IT’S CIARA!’ Aminat literally says ‘Oh shit!’ You know who I miss? Dionne! She swore all the time and it was so cute… Aminat has got some big shoes to fill if she wants to start being the potty mouth of the cycle. Aminat goes to hug Ciara, and she can’t believe that she’s ‘touching her’. Aminat likes to um… touch, doesn’t she? She had that lezzie crush on McKey last week and now she’s pawing Ciara. Although, I heard Ciara used to be a dude. Was that just quoted as fact or something? Jay starts tonguing Ciara’s career ass, as if she’s some groundbreaking sensation, and talks about how she’s ‘done everything’. Including horses and hamsters, folks! Ya gotta get into the industry SOMEHOW. Their photoshoot will be with Ciara today… Celia is excited (like…. smiling with your eyes, thinking about sex excited??!?) because Ciara is ‘an icon’ and she’s been a fan of hers for some time. I get the feeling that Ken Mok made her say that. She doesn’t seem like the Ciara type. Speaking of the probable he-she, Ciara says to ‘give it your all and have fun’. If only it were that easy for the ones who aren’t Teyona.  Jay says they’ll all be climbing into the ‘fancy dancy limo’ to the photoshoot location. It’s more ‘ugly fugly’ to me, but whatevs. Aminat thinks it’ll be a fun ass shoot, so she’ll probably suck.

They meet their photographer, Mike Ruiz, who photographed the hot air balloon shots from Cycle 11 and the superhero pictures from Cycle 5. The outfit is basically a bikini, wrapped up in wire that is meant to be Ciara’s ‘microphone’ wire… and the girls have to emulate obsessed fans. Oh, gag me. Did I mention that Ciara has a new album coming out soon? And that Ciara is the stupidest way to spell a name since ‘Kortnie’? Celia talks about how you have to be ‘long and lean’ in this shoot, since there’s no hiding anything in microphone wire. Liverpool, OF COURSE, is standing about a foot away, and looks uncomfortable. She tells us how nervous she is.

Jay loves Celia’s look in her frames. He applauds her for ‘birds of paradise’ fingers. Celia is trying her best to show Ciara up, even though they’re not ‘on the same plain’– Celia is below her. Ciara felt like they ‘vibed off each other’s energy’ and though that Celia ‘gave good stuff’. Great, so she’s as eloquent as everyone else on this show… Read: Not eloquent at all.

Liverpool felt uneasy… She said that this photoshoot was very overwhelming and scary. Ugh, way to fill the void in the insecure gap now that Scars is gone. She’s still hyper enunciating though, which is good. She hasn’t lost that which makes her endearing… yet. Natalie says that Liverpool is insecure about her weight, but that she needs to get past it, because it’s bringing her down. Liverpool says that it was mostly the outfit she was worrying about, and that she just ‘NEEDED. TO. BREATHE’. The God angle randomly gets brought up again– She asked Him for confidence so that she could push through her outer insecurities. Y’know, that’ll never be me, but I like that she’s got such a strong faith and that she doesn’t appear to throttle others with it. I can get with that. She basically looks stiff and uncomfortable when she’s doing the shoot. Jay asks the stylist to tell him honestly if Liverpool has put on weight. The stylist, who tries to be diplomatic but comes off as sort of hilarious, is like ‘She’s gotten very big’. Yeah, she’s massive. Slap a ‘Goodyear’ label on her and she’s the new blimp. COME. ON. She’s not that much bigger than she was before! Jay says that Liverpool did the best that she COULD do, and ‘it’s not that her weight gain is a problem as much as the fact that as a model, you need to treat your body like a temple’. What happened to a temple that likes cheesecake? How soon we forget Kortnie and her tig ole bitties. That’s the second time I mentioned Kortnie in this recap, which is approximately two times more than I mentioned her per recap when she was still in the competition. And also, what Jay said is exactly the same as saying her weight gain is a problem. LASTLY (wow, what a stupid statement, if I can find 3 things wrong with it!), if the body is a temple, why are all these bitches always lounging around, chowing down? What about fitness? UGH.

Jay calls Liverpool back and talks about her ‘huge physical change’. She agreed with him, in confessional, but didn’t know what to say. It’s clearly one confessional, but it’s been spliced about 18 times, and we see all the parts over the next couple of minutes. Jay talks about everyone dealing with stress differently, but he’s worried about how she’ll fare in the ‘real world of modeling’ (there he goes again, basically calling this show a fucking joke. Love this skank!) She tells him that she doesn’t feel confident or beautiful at this size, and that she wants to lose the weight in a healthy way. Side note– I heard she had an eating disorder, which just makes me sad. This show is so tactless when it comes to that kind of thing… Remember ‘I’m not bulimic except I’ve thrown up after meals a few times’ Cassie from Cycle 3? They went to go-sees where a director told her that her hips were 4 inches too large for his clothes. Now, I’m a fan of girls being thin for modeling, but I hate the idea of anyone thinking modeling is so important that you should be puking after every meal. It’s not. It’s such a ticking time bomb anyway, and if you’re not skinny, you just shouldn’t do it. Case closed. Back to Liverpool… Jay tells her that she needs to stick to a balanced diet, because she’s way too tiny to be plus-sized, even by this show’s loose definition of plus-size. She was hurt, but was glad she had God with her. I’m glad that that’s become a new theme, because I’m already pretty tired of it.

Teyona was caught in Ciara’s web, or something. She was really excited. Blah, blah, blah…Teyona can do no wrong.

Natalie gets a huge ‘fro for the shoot. She says she wants to do her hair like that every day. She knows that she struggles with emoting expression in her face, so she tries to focus on that. Jay and Mike want to get more ‘mean tigress’ out of her, so she starts snarling, and they love that.

Fo basically gave good face. That’s basically what Fo does, since she’s short as hell and all. She said she wasn’t nervous at all, and was having a blast.

Allison wanted to channel her chatty, creative director self. She tries not to feel pressure so that she can focus her energy on giving more than just the bug eyed stare. Jay says that she’s trying to smile, but she’s too afraid to go for it. He calls her a big frustration, because she has the look, but she never gives it all the way. It pisses her off, and she starts to nail the shots. Oh god, if creepychan turns into fucking Ann from Cycle 3, I swear to god, I will jump onto 100% Team Celia so fast it’ll make her head spin. Jay had to insult Ann every week to get a good picture from her. She’s still one of the hottest girls to ever be on the show, but UGH, her shoots were PAINFUL. DON’T DO THIS TO ME, ALLISON.

Aminat immediately starts off her shoot with suckage maximus. She actually turns her BACK to the camera. Um, duh. Jay called her a fish out of water. She must be another disappointment, because he loves her face, her body and especially her personality, but thinks she struggled. He called her the worst of the day. Ouch. Bottom 2, anyone? And wasn’t I right from the beginning?

Back at home, Aminat confesses to Teyona and Fo that she’s never felt so shitty about the competition. Fo basically agreed that Aminat sucked. Hahaha, OH SHIT. Fo, you’re going to be S-T-U-P-I-D if you don’t watch it. Back in the Celison group, Allison says that she felt everyone did well. Liverpool said that Jay called her back after her shoot to essentially say ‘Blah, blah, blah… you’re fat.’ Well, that’s my quote of the cycle. It’s not Dominique, but it’s one of my faves so far, just because that’s not what he said at all. Liverpool knows that God put her there for a reason, and she can tell that he’s testing her right now. It’s one of the hardest experiences of her young life.

OH JOY, THE RULES TO OWNING YOUR INNER FIERCENESS ARE BACK. ‘Music always helps a model find her own rhythym’ Oh god, please drown yourself immediately, Uhhhh. First of all, Ciara is BARELY music. And just… UGH. So, Uhhh is wearing some sort of jumper sweater combo that looks like one of the teenager outfits from The Sims 2… She actually looks kind of nice… but it looks EXACTLY like the game outfit.  She makes some odd statement about ‘Seven being a lucky number… for six of them’. Which would mean that six is the lucky number, right? Liverpool’s eyes look extremely puffy and swollen. Maybe she was crying… although, to her credit, we never saw her shed an actual tear during that painful fat-fessional. Quavery voice, maybe, but no tears. Uhhh introduces the judges, including the FUCKTARD Nigel Barker, the luminous (but ultimately sucky) Paulina, and the irrelevant J Alexander. Oh, and Mike Ruiz. Before judging can continue, some odd looking, shirtless man approaches from behind the girls. Uhhhh acts surprised by this as he approaches her, carrying a box. He speaks Spanish, and Uhhh is all hot-mess fabulous, acting all ‘Huhhhh? You want me to WUTTT?’. Apparently the contents of the box are a gift from his country, and they want her to join them there. The box holds nuts, and not the kind that Uhhh is unfamiliar with (testicles are NOT fierce), but instead, the kind that she knows VERY well. She takes one and chomps unattractively on it… ‘Is this a pee-cannn?’. Shirtless man looks offended. ‘Is a bigass PEE-NUTT?’ She takes another chew and a lightbulb clicks on inside her five head. ‘IT’S A BRAZIL NUT. WE’RE GOING TO

BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL

YAY, DOMINIQUE’S CLASSIC LINE HAS FINALLY BEEN PUT TO GOOD USE. Chaos ensues, much like last cycle’s ‘WE’RE GOING TO AMSTERDAM’. Maracas, a fruit hat for Miss. J, and lots of dancing. No Aswirl twins though. Maybe they got fired?  Uhhh says ‘AND…. SCENE’ and then, less than a second later (literally), is sitting. Confetti is gone. After all, seven is only a lucky number for six of them… So one person will NOT be going to BRAZIL.

Natalie’s picture with ‘CEEEE-AIRRR-UHHHH’ is first. The judges love that she’s standing out over Ciara, despite being lower than her. Paulina thinks she looks a little scared in her face. Uhhh loves the shot, and thinks it’s fabulous. She is harped on some more for needing more presence in her face. Ugh, isn’t that what she was praised for doing at the shoot? PLEASE get Jay on the panel.

Aminat ‘looks cute today’. Sort of, in a primary colors kind of way. She looks bewildered in her shot. One of the judges says that she looks like she just fell over. Ouch. Paulina starts babbling about Aminat looking like some diva on the couch who is demanding that a servant bring her some grapes. First of all, if anyone gets fed anything around here, it’s Uhhh, and it’s not grapes… It’s ribs. She needed to look more insane. so that the judges could tell her that she forgot to model and looked crazy, of course. She seemed lost, and didn’t relate to the camera. Uhhh compared her performance to a contestant who had been eliminated weeks before. I wonder if she was talking about some specific, or if she just meant that Aminat had stepped back? I hope she was talking about Simone, since Simone is hilarious. And a ‘gaw-dess’ in her own little mind.

Celia is dressed very ‘simple chic’ that day. Black tank top, jeans, heels. She looks as awesome as ever though. She loves her photo, which Fucktard (that is officially Nigel’s name) loves. He says that ‘loving a picture before the judges comment on it hasn’t happened in a long time’. She admits that she really, really wants to go to BRAZIL. Uhhhh says that she looks like she wants fame, and it works.

Next up are Teyona’s ‘goodies’. Apparently that means her picture, although immediately after, one of the judges says something about her ‘goodies popping out’. Yup, the breasticles are on full display in this shot. Paulina says that Teyona looked ‘uh… fee… What’s the word, Uhhh? Fierce?’. Oh Paulina, Paulina, Paulina. If you’re going to take over for Uhhhh, you need to learn the word FIERCE. Uhhh says that Teyona related to the environment better than anyone else did and rocked the ‘rabid fan thing’.

Next up is Liverpool, who is wearing ripped up tights under what appears to be the demon shorts from last week. Nothing great about the look, but it goes unmentioned, probably because they have enough shit to give her. Paulina, who has been consistent in her dislike of Liverpool, says that the photo is over the top. Uhhh thinks she tried too hard. Apparently Liverpool’s eyes already smile on their own (they sort of do… I never really noticed it before!) so when she tries to do it more, they look squinty and cartoonish. Oh, so your ass is fat and your eyes look like a cartoon. I’m still sore over them not saying anything about Tahlia’s jiggle and Liverpool taking so much shit for her body. The judges think that she needs a better understanding over what angles look good for her, and harp on the ‘strange tension’ in her face. She takes it very well, and thanks them. Pure class.

J loves Fo’s outfit. The judges collectively love her Fo-to. She ‘managed to have tension in her face without looking tense’. How the fuck does that work? Oh what the fuck ever… I just recap. I don’t pretend to understand this shit.

‘Sweet Little Allison’ has a ferocious face in her picture. Ferociously AWESOME is more like it. She has ‘good tension’ in her mouth and in her eyes. They’re glad she’s not a one look wonder. J thinks the body is lacking a little bit. Mike comments on how Jay had to ‘provoke her’ to get that look. She talks about how this has been her favorite photoshoot and OH. MY. GOD. Fucktard gets all tight lipped and offended and Uhhh is all ‘Oh, but there are two photographers that you’ve shot with in the room’. Allison tries to explain that ‘No, I just learned the most from this one’. Fucktard is visibly annoyed that Allison isn’t sitting on his face about the moronic anal probe photoshoot that he shot. Seriously, Fucktard? Get over yourself. Go scrub some of the pancake makeup off your smug, asshole face and shut the fuck up. ‘Noted’ fashion photographer, my ass. Uhhh accuses Allison of digging herself into a hole and acts like this situation will greatly affect Allison’s changes at going to BRAZIL. Although, it might, since this show has nothing to do with modeling. Ugh, FUCK YOU, FUCKTARD.

The Covergirl in Action is Bre. Is Bre really working? Nearly all the clips they show are from her stint in Cycle 5.

DELIBERATION TIME. Natalie’s shot is great, all around. Apparently she looks like she’s in a wedding. Mike jumps to her defense, and says that the contrast between sex kitten in the photoshoot and demure in person worked for him. I bet she swallowed for him. I mean, you don’t just get that kind of compliment without sexual favors.

Paulina wants Aminat to be better than she really is. Mike sees her as a runway model, not a print model. There’s a general moment of appreciation for Aminat’s runway walk, which has been the most solid part of her performance on the show, besides her spelling skills. Uhhh comments on Aminat’s lack of potential at conveying a message in a photo. They love her height, her eyes and her body and see so much potential in her. And how.

Apparently Celia looks like June Cleaver in front of them and is a perfect stylist. They decide to keep her around just to see what other clothes she has.

Teyona’s shot is great, blah blah blah. We know.

Liverpool has a great face that she doesn’t know how to work. Great face is the standard issue compliment if your body sucks. All the plussies have had ‘great face’. Mike doesn’t see her doing much print or runway work. Uhhh sees something unique about her. J says that ‘her weight gain is unique’. What a fucking douche. Get back to your wife and kids, you fake homo. Fucktard wisely keeps his dirty mouth shut.

Fo’s face and body are great. Yawn.

Allison has a fantastic face, but Paulina is annoyed that basically every photographer yawns at her. Fucktard starts talking about how you want to put your own spin on Allison (spin. heh. Someone is thinking about Creepychan spinning on their insanely small JUNK), but then it falls back into that same one look. Huh, okay. Uhhhh explains that she’s basically not reinventable.

For the record, I typed the call out order before they even announced it. That’s how obvious it was to me. Teyona gets first call out, to the surprise of fucking NOBODY. Overrated, yet again. And let me just make it clear… I’m consistent in my ‘meh’ for her. She was towards the bottom of my pre-show thoughts and she’s still at the bottom. Most of her fans are okay, but some (okay, just one) need to be put down ASAP. This week’s picture? Really good, but not even close to the best of the week. The rest of the order is Fo, Natalie, Celia and Allison. Come on, did you really think she’d be in the bottom 2 again? Not even. Fucktard is just offended that he doesn’t have any of her womanly scent on his face, and goes back to burying his face in Uhhhh’s ass. Actually, maybe he buries it in J’s ass, since they’re made for each other– Irrelevant and totally pointless.

So, the bottom 2 is Aminat and Liverpool. Aminat has a strong body, beautiful skin and a beautiful face, but maybe she’s only suited for runway. Liverpool, although they won’t say it, is basically too fat to model. Aminat is safe, but her mediocre photos won’t cut it in BRAZIL. She’s visibly thrilled, as is Teyona, and it’s pretty sweet… But I feel bad that Liverpool’s elimination was so obvious… it’s like the whole viewerhood was waiting for her to trip over her thighs… It’s annoying to me that Tyra didn’t just say what was made blindingly clear… Liverpool’s body doesn’t work. For once, they actually made a logical decision, but are in complete denial about it.

Liverpool isn’t upset with God about her elimination… She thought she might be, but it didn’t happen. The competition was hard for her, but she knows she can lose the weight. She promises that we’ll see her face somewhere. Girl, I already saw it on all-antm.net. Keep producing shit like that and everyone will love you like Samantha Francis from C8.

Next week- Trouble in BRAZIL when her ‘homies’ call Fo a child. Will Teyona’s clear road to ANTM victory be troubled or is it still a straight path towards nothing of note?

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