You gave the same face that you always give, but suddenly, it works for us. CAN YOU SEE REDEMPTION EDIT? Fo, you posed like Carmen Miranda, but actually, you were too much like her, Natalie, you look like a model and have yet to take a bad picture but YOU’RE OUT, and Aminat, you’re safe despite delivering the goods in screencaps far better than in any of your pictures. Respect the top model folks… It obviously knows what it’s talking about.

Rather than subjecting you all to the in depth recap of the most boring episode of ANTM ever, I’ll just sidle through the muck and try and pick out the most notable things… The stuff that you should know. There will be a lot of Tyra bashing. If you like Tyra Banks, you will probably think I’m a bitch.

SO, last week on America’s Next Top Unemployed Woman, the real reason for Liverpool’s elimination wasn’t brought up by the panel. Apparently, she wasn’t connecting with her film. Too bad they didn’t just say ‘Liverpool was too fat to model’, because it’s the truth. She grew on me, that little STREET. PREACHER, but reality bites, and apparently, so did she. On high calorie treats. Not that I particularly blame her… I’m a stress eater myself. Teyona was praised for something that I must be missing, because she got first call out for a picture that is just jaw-rific. Allison wounded Nigel’s ego and Tyra had to calm him down by sitting on his face for a week straight. Six remain, who is going home tonight?

So, the girls are all pumped for BRAZILIA. Teyona says something about ‘Hatorade’. That sounds like a worthy business investment. Basically, Fo is still pissed that Teyona chose Celia over her for last week’s challenge win. It is sort of funny that the three least ‘Seventeen’ girls won the challenge, whereas Fo epitomizes Seventeen. Have I mentioned recently that I love her haircut? Because I do. Natalie is excited for Brazil, because she hates cold weather. 

So then… Cheesy plane animation that takes the girls (in their makeover shots) to Sao Paulo, BRAZILIA. Aminat needs to be mind-blowing in Brazil. Eh, she may as well save her energy, seeing as how everyone and their mother hates her because Liverpool got eliminated over her. Well, I don’t hate her. I’m still in complete awe of how gorgeous she looks at panel… I just really wish she could translate that into a photo. 

They’re met by Fernanda Motta, who is the host of Brazil’s Next Top Model. She’s hot. They have this really dumb challenge that involves running around Brazil to try and find the favorite flowers of the The Girl from Ipanema. Most notable part of this? Natalie running through a botanical garden with her boobs bouncing like crazy. Probably the only moment in the whole episode worth revisiting. In between everyone talking about the challenge, Aminat manages to talk shit about all the girls except for Teyona, who apparently runs track. Man, she is shaping up like one of those teachers pet cunts that is good at everything. Except being hot, of course. Oh, I kill me. Fo and Natalie win and get a special prize back at their new place.

At the house, the girls are greeted to a McKey shrine. Not the worst thing to look at when you go to bed. Natalie and Fo won sandals with Swarovski crystals on them. It takes Fo like 30 seconds to spit out the word Swarovski. Aminat is in awe of the flowers everywhere. Natalie is unimpressed…. She doesn’t want to share a bed (Oh my god, that reminds me of Cycle 9 when Saleisha said she would only share a bed with a boy… What a whore), and she’s thoroughly unimpressed by Brazil so far. Aminat thinks Natalie is arrogant. Natalie just wants a tan. And a pool. Or some ocean. She’s obviously going to take it in the teeth for these comments, but honestly… I know that when I go somewhere on vacation and it sort of sucks, I act bratty too. Maybe Natalie and I are cut from the same cloth. And really… Does it matter if she’s spoiled? Can she deliver the photos? Why YES, she can! So I’m so over this Natalie-Brat edit. It’s boring as fuck.

Aminat wants to win this shit more than a fat kid wants cake. Uhhh, your quoteability is like, in the toilet, dearest. That line wasn’t even that funny when 50 Cent said it five years ago. We get to see gorgeous Aminat in panel again. Always nice.

Their challenge involves mimicking the work of some Capoeira artists… Which Aminat describes as martial arts with a break-dancing feel. Natalie was crappy at it. Aminat and Celia had to face off against each other in a mini Capoeira battle, which Teyona found funny, since Celia and Aminat apparently have some drama between them. Did I miss that? I thought Natalie was the S-T-U-P-I-D one… Celia was relatively unharmed in the battle concerning Freddy Krueger’s motives in the competition. Anyway, the point is… Celia kicked Aminat in the side of the head. She said it was an accident, but admitted that when she did it, she felt sort of like ‘Teehee’. Oh, I love Celia. I really want her to extract herself from this shit and just become a designer. Aminat wasn’t mad about being roundhouse kicked in the side of the head, but said that if Celia did it again, she’d break her legs. She says it in a very good natured way, but something tells me that she isn’t kidding.

So then, we’re met by Dickslut and his faux Dickslut counterpart… And they have to take pictures using the Capoeira as their inspiration. There’s a really awkward moment where their photographer gives Miss. J some eyesex and blatantly checks out his crotch. Did you hear that he has hairy, ashy balls? No, seriously. Someone wrote to Fourfour and said that they used to work for ANTM and that he would randomly drop trough and scratch his balls, which are apparently hairy and ashy. Good luck sleeping tonight folks.

Teyona sucked in the challenge… She gave profile and forgot about the camera. I like her a lot better when they aren’t masturbating ferociously to her gargantuan jaw. She’s shown some personality this episode too, so I’m like… temporarily okay with Teyona. But don’t worry… it won’t last. Allison thought about modeling first and really delivered, pose-wise. Celia hid her face in most of her pictures. Fo was a shocker, because her body was awesome, but her face looked like both a pug dog’s and a question mark. Uh, right. Very sensible statement, J(ay)s. Aminat’s moves were strong, but her face was a hot mess. J tells Fo that she won, and calls her ‘Fo-Sho’. Allison is robbed of yet another challenge win. For her prize, she gets to choose one person and cut the number of frames that they get at the photoshoot in half. She chooses Teyona, cuz she’s still pissed about Teyona snubbing her at the challenge last week. 

The Tyra Mail says something about fruit. Natalie wonders if people are going to feed them grapes. Yup, I’m sure they’ll photograph some dudes feeding you grapes. I love her, but she needs to get some sleep, because she’s retarded without it. Teyona and Fo banter a little bit… Teyona is like ‘Whatever, bitch’ about the whole thing. She knows she’s going to win anyway, so what does she care?

For the photoshoot, they have to embody Carmen Miranda. Nobody knows who that is until Mr. Jay talks about Chiquita bananas. Oy vey. Get these girls some books. Natalie is excited to be portraying someone so sexy. Sutan, who is the least boring person left on this shitshow, does a Carmen Miranda dance for them and talks about how she died a horrible, gruesome death… But he says it in such a chipper way that you’re kind of smiling about it. 

Celia failed to be cutting edge. She looked beautiful and moved well with the staircase next to her, but her frames were pretty unremarkable. Teyona and Aminat talk some more shit about Fo. Allison’s face finally came alive and she looked kind of sexy. CREEPYCHAN FOR THE REDEMPTION EDIT. A dog walks into Natalie’s set and Jay loves it. She’s sitting the whole time, but Jay gushes about the pose and the face being beautiful. She remarks that the shoot is in a very poor area, and thinks it’s sort of a weird place for a photoshoot. She thinks she did incredible. Aminat steps on set and shuts off, and never brings her personality to her pictures. Teyona gets the typical tongue bath… Jay mentions that her smile doesn’t look like an ad for denture cream anymore. Not that it matters, since Tyra will just pick a different shot and say that it reeks of hope and change for the future. Yeah, a picture of a girl covered in yellow shit really inspires hope and change. Fo gets the most baffling critique ever… She comes on set and starts doing a little dance… She smiles and looks sexy and sweet, but apparently looks like Carmen Miranda as a drag queen on crack. She lost her fashion edge, but then was told she was too pose-y when she brought it back a little bit. She admits to being completely confused.

Natalie thinks it’ll be hard to find a bad shot of her. Aminat felt like she improved. Fo feels nervous.

The rule to owning your inner fierceness this week: ‘Once you plant seeds of success, your dreams will bear fierce fruit’. Wow. WOW. I hope she chokes to death on a rib. I cannot believe people are actually falling for this shit. Seriously, I noticed it the other day on YouTube… Lots of people on YouTube do these Fantasy Model competitions, myself included, where they pick some past contestants and then select themes and then judge the shots… People dismiss pictures because of the things Tyra says, as if Tyra has any credibility at all. If you send in a gorgeous, editorial photo, you’ll get eliminated because you ‘didn’t show your neck’. I want to see the rule book that says neck= required. OH THAT’S RIGHT. THERE IS NO SUCH RULE.

Of note in the panel… Tyra sort of moans Nigel’s name, and Paulina has been hanging out in the sun. She’s ORANGE. Fernanda Motta is the guest judge. DID YOU KNOW THAT TOP MODEL IS IN OVER 120 COUNTRIES? WELL GIVE TYRA THE CHANCE TO TELL YOU. TOP MODEL IS IN OVER 120 COUNTRIES, INCLUDING BRAZILIA. Then Tyra sambas over to her place in panel… And looks like an asshole. She’s dressed in some sort of wearable sausage encasing that’s been dyed blue, and her weave is seriously ratty. Not as ratty as Allison’s, but ratty.

Aminat is up first… Tyra tries to be Oprah and tells her to stay out of the sun because of health reasons. Wasn’t Natalie bitching about there being no pool? Perhaps the sun was beating down on her DURING THE PHOTOSHOOT?! EH? Seriously, I bet she’s cheap. “SPF 30? HELL NO. I NEED MORE RIBS.” I heard that they don’t even get food catered to the house… They have to pay for any of the shit that’s eaten in the house with their own money. They make fun of her picture and call it Black Girl Modeling 101. Paulina tells her that she’s beautiful and boring. Aminat is all BITCH, YOU’RE S-T-U-P-I-D. Actually no, she didn’t say that…. But I wish she had because it would have been funny to see Paulina’s eyes roll back into her crispy head. Paulina clarifies and says that she’s a boring model, not a boring person. Well, aight. So much for rocking Brazil, Aminat.

Natalie is giving the same sultry, sexy look she always gives. Yup, and last week you told her that her snarl was ugly (it wasn’t) so she changed it and what does she get? A negative critique! Yahoo! In what is probably the most notable part of this episode, Natalie stands up for herself. YUP. A contestant spoke up against the Rib Queen. Natalie said that Jay loved her pose, and when she tried to switch it up, he wanted her to go back to doing what she was doing. Rib Queen is all ‘You only did two poses… You need to switch it up’. Right, so that the judges can tell her that none of her shit worked. Natalie is adamant… She did lots of things. Tyra, in probably her cuntiest display of condescension yet, is all ‘Nooo you didn’t =D’ Toothy grin and all. Ugh, WHATEVER. This is why they need Jay on panel… So that he can vouch for the contestants. And then we can kill Nigel! Yusss.

Celia praises her pictures before the judges can. Nigel likes this. I like it because it reminds me of Natasha, when she was like ‘I love this picture because it is so much better than my other ones! I feel myself American!’ Her sparkle is also missing. Maybe because Jay reigned them all in and told them not to literally emulate Carmen Miranda? It gets worse with Fo’s critique. But next…

Allison’s picture looks adorable. They all gush over her face, even though it looks the same as all the shots they’ve been bitching about. I can’t complain… I love Allison and I love her one look. 

Fo is the only girl not wearing a dress… J thinks she looks too casual, Nigel thinks she looks great. Methinks Nigel fancies Fo… Which isn’t surprising, considering the trainwreck looks of the girls from this cycle. I mean, really. Teyona’s chompers could swallow his tiny little knob in 2 seconds, Aminat’s got vacuum cleaner lips, Allison’s got demons in her eyes, and Celia sort of resembles Jerri Blank. Oh, and Natalie is smoking, but she’s so obviously toast, so he can’t be bothered with her. I think it’s weird that Fo is wearing about 4 tank tops, all layered on top of each other. Her picture is very Carmen Miranda, but it isn’t model-y enough. So, she did what was asked of her, but it’s bad? And the other girls didn’t have any sparkle, but if they had had sparkle… their pictures would have been too literal? Teyona, fix this for us!

OF COURSE, TEYONA’S PICTURE IS JUST GAW-JUSS. AND OMG, SHE HAD HALF THE FRAMES. BUT HER PICTURE IS JUST TO DIE FOR. TEYONA, YOU CAN DO NO WRONG. YOU GOT THE PERFECT BALANCE BY NOT LOOKING LIKE CARMEN MIRANDA AT ALL AND SLUMPING AGAINST THE SIDE OF A HOUSE. OMG, 10 POINTS. 5 STARS. 15 OSCARS. 

Now seems like a good time to point out that Teyona is wearing a nightgown to panel. Tyra says she would sleep in it, except she wouldn’t be able to fit one ass cheek into Teyona’s itty bitty dress. So, is this Teyona’s story arc? She wears nightgowns to panel? 

The judges deliberate… Natalie isn’t sexy at all in this picture, and that’s bad. It’s also bad when she’s sexy in her pictures, because then she gets called out for giving the same face. Side note… Apparently Natalie is already signed with LA Models? I am so thrilled about this. Hopefully she can cut ties with the show as best as possible. Paulina thinks Natalie is boring. I think Paulina is a crispy bitch.

Allison has apparently turned it up a notch… She epitomized what the shoot was about and stuff. Suddenly, they love her ‘look’ and talk about how it drags you in. God, could these asswipes be any more inconsistent?! 

Fo’s picture is sort of a ‘Fo-pas’, according to the hairy, ashy balls. They curse Fo into the ‘Actress, not model’ category. 

Celia’s old age thing is brought up yet again. Oooh, so soon? They really want to set us up for her elimination early. Tyra says that Celia is 25 (and Paulina looks shocked by this) but that she looks Tyra’s age in closeups. Right… So, why the fuck did you assholes choose her for the show, if she’s so old looking? TEYONA, SHOW THEM HOW IT’S DONE.

OMG. TEYONA’S PICTURE IS SO EDITORIAL. IT’S JUST SO GREAT. AND SHE HAD FEWER FRAMES. AND SHE’S A TRACK STAR. AND IF SHE TAKES HER TEETH OUT, SHE CAN SUCK A MEAN DICK. SHE IS SO MODEL BEAUTIFUL AND NOT STANDARD PRETTY, WHICH TYRA LOVES, EVEN THOUGH SHE MADE HER CAREER OUT OF BEING A TITTY MODEL. TEYONA BEACH, HAHAHA MIS J YOU’RE SOO FUNNEH.

Panel time.

Even though Teyona’s picture was OBVIOUSLY THE BEST HAVEN’T YOU HEARD TEYONA IS AMAZING, Allison gets first call-out. This is happy news. Teyona gets second, since she obviously can’t be lower than that. Next is Fo, then Celia, the old woman. Bottom 2 is Natalie and Aminat, to the surprise of nobody. I just want to say that I predicted the call-out order AGAIN before it was announced, and I also predicted that Natalie and Aminat would be in the bottom 2 together before one of them was eliminated. I wish I could say that that makes me smart, but it really just shows how stupid this show is, and how transparent it all has become. 

Aminat looks like a model. She’s got all the materials, but she can’t deliver. Natalie is hot as hell, but of course, pretty isn’t everything. Natalie gets eliminated. She looks truly pissed, and stands stiffly while Tyra hugs her and tells her to push past pretty. Yes, listen to the advice of Tyra Banks, the high fashion couture diva… Oh, wait. Tyra wasn’t a couture diva? Oh, THAT’S RIGHT. She was a commercial GLAMOR MODEL. WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE. So, Natalie goes back to the home in Brazil that thoroughly unimpressed her and comments on how stupid this elimination was… And how she had never been in the bottom 2 before and thought it was dumb that Aminat got to stay despite being in the bottom 2 twice in a row. She doesn’t cry, she doesn’t even really act catty… She’s just genuinely like ‘Fuck this’. I like Aminat more than most, but even I have to admit that she deserved to go tonight. 

So, another thoroughly retarded episode of a show that pretends to be about modeling. The winner is so crystal clear that it’s not even funny… I really, really wish that Natalie had spit in Tyra’s face or something, or asked if she could take along the sausage shirt for munchies on the ride back to the house. The person who makes a big scene in panel will automatically become my #1 contestant EVER. 

Allison has no chance of winning, but she’s the only one left that I care about. I love Celia, but she’s going to get so torn apart at the go-sees and the old edit that I hope she just turns into a designer. And Fo is… Well, she’s sort of a moron. I think my opinion on Teyona is pretty clear. 

Sorry for the chintzy recap, but it’s all the enthusiasm I could muster for such a crappy episode. Love you all, and I’ve loved the comments! Keep em coming!

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