Fuck ‘The Rules to Owning Your Inner Fierceness’… I say we purchase the bestseller entitled ‘The Guidelines for Casting Girls So We Can Eliminate Them Later’. An excerpt:

‘Cast at least one short girl whose body is all wrong for modeling. Give them a first call out for a shoot where said body flaw is not accented. Eliminate later for not being able to change their body. Cast at least one girl that looks too old to model. Say nothing about this for weeks, and then suddenly never shut up about it. Eliminate in the finale. Cast one girl who is ghastly and/or isn’t much of a model and/or is one note. Praise them to high heaven. They win (make exception for Cycle 11, because McKey is fiiierce)

Last week, on America’s Next Top Unemployed Bitch, Natalie was sent home for looking like a model and taking a great shot. Aminat stayed despite being frighteningly mediocre. Five are left… Who will be unjustifiably eliminated so Teyona can get closer to winning?

Back in the Brazilian hotel, Teyona and Aminat have plenty to say about Natalie. She was always talking (I thought she was more of a sleeper than a talker) about how she was better than everyone else. Teyona’s smile is still fucking scary. I don’t care what Jay says. It pains Celia that Natalie didn’t appreciate the experience of Brazil. She interviews, in a very obvious bottom 2 edit, that she has more inside than any of the other girls. She also knows that she’s about 10 years older than a lot of girls who start in the industry. Yeah, Tyra knows that too. She cast you knowing that, but it’s suddenly a bad thing. Hah. Get used to a lot of that tonight.

Ty-Ty Mail! ‘You need to hit the ground running if you want to fly’. Teyona is 100% sure that they’ll be using hangglider things. Allison’s photo appears on the screen… She’s happy to see it but feels nervous because now she needs to live up to that standard. Fo can’t believe she’s made it this far. Prior to this half assed attempt at a modeling show, everything in Fo’s life was… well, half assed. But I guess this shit has proven to her that she can accomplish things in her life. She vows to pose like she’s 6 feet tall. Fo is such a fierce bitch, she can defy her height. Give this girl a crappy spread in Seventeen and 1 Covergirl ad. Hell to the yes!

They’re brought to the Brazilian Fashion Week Headquarters. As is custom in the top 5 of ANTM, they go on go-sees. The whole concept of this makes Allison ‘want to die’. Is it just me or is she starting to morph back into Creepychan a bit? The lighting on her is getting a little grainier and DO NOT get me started on that damn weave. That thing is about to fall apart. The Brazilian designers are looking for ‘style, personality, and soul’. Hmm, sounds sort of like Teyona, if I’m being honest. I bet Tyra rigged this shit so she would do well, yet again. I mean, if they were looking for ‘pretty’, homegirl would be fucked. They go into taxis, and Aminat automatically comments on the ‘redonkulous’ traffic. Celia decides to start from the destination furthest away (of the 5 locations) so she can work backwards and be as close to the headquarters as possible before the time runs out. She makes it to the first go-see with relative ease. Apparently Teyona had the same idea, because she gets to the same designer as Celia did about 5 seconds later. Rather than wait it out, Teyona just leaves and goes onto the next go-see. And she swears her ass off. I thought Covergirls weren’t allowed to talk like that? Somewhere, Jade is cursing this show off.

Basically, every designer says the same thing. Fo is commercial, looks good in photos and is way too short. Teyona keeps showing up somewhere while another girl is already there. But when she does actually go in to meet a designer, they love her. The guy whose design was essentially a piece of green cellophane with arm holes was especially drooly over her Majesty Queen Overration. Aminat’s walk is to die for… Her pictures are not. Allison’s walk is shit… Her pictures are great, she needs more confidence and presence. She is more of a campaign girl than a runway girl. Celia is OLD, in case no one told you recently. Go-sees tell us absolutely nothing that we didn’t already know.

Most notably: Fo seems to be struggling the most with her transportation, and is bummed because she has ‘more go-sees to go see’. Hahaha, YES. Also, Teyona is apparently chic. And she stops in the middle of the road to remember which side of the street has odd numbers and which side has even numbers. Girl, that’s dangerous! Aminat wants Celia to go home because she’s old and her face isn’t fresh. Guys, Celia has always looked like that, but despite this, she appears to be getting a good reaction from the designers. Teyona goes to 3 go-sees and makes it back to HQ with 10 minutes to spare. Aminat follows her about 5 minutes later, with 3 go-sees in pocket, and calls Teyona ‘boo’. Allison returns with about 2 minutes left. Celia is late by a whopping 30 seconds and is disqualified from the challenge, despite being in the actual building, just not in the room, at the necessary time. And Fo is just a mess… She’s way late and is upset about this. The three girls who made it on time are carted off to meet with the Paolo guy to talk about their go-sees in a helicopter. You’d swear it was a pack of horny men with ‘I passed my STD screening’ certificates in hand. Celia and Fo are left atop the heli-pad and Celia’s fierce yellow skirt flies up.

So, the real reason Celia was disqualified? So Teyona could win, DUH. I mean, this girl is CLEARLY better than everyone else despite the fact that she gives the same 3/4 profile shit that Simone was eliminated for and looks like a gigantic horse in person. Aminat calls the helicopter crew ‘birds’… a direct nod to next week’s photoshoot, maybe? But yes, Teyona won the go-see challenge, even though the designers liked Aminat’s walk. Ugh. Her prize is a piece from all 5 designers. When they go back to the hotel, she acts like some sort of screeching banshee when the other girls try to LOOK at her stuff. Not steal it… Not wear it… Just look. She’s all DONT TOUCH DONT TOUCH DONT TOUCH. Fo looks like she wants to euthanize her, and really… I would send Fo a card thanking her. Teyona was annoying enough when she was getting overpraised and not speaking, but now that she’s a hyena (with the teeth to prove it) and overpraised to high heaven… She’s insufferable. I mean, really. She’s been getting top 3 call outs 89% of the show. I think the highest top 3 call-out percentage, at this point, prior to Cycle 12, was like… 67% or so… From someone like Anya or Joanie. Is Teyona really that superior? Fuck no. She’s not even the best in this joke of a cycle.

But moving on… Ty-Ty Mail. Top Models can maximum exposure. They all predict swimsuits. Aha! It’s time to acknowledge the infamous spoiler photos that have been circulating for months and months.

It would appear that that 4/5 of the group has been right in front of us for a while now, since there were photos of ‘two black girls’ (both had long black hair, eliminating Sandra and eliminating Nijah pretty early on in the cycle), the pissed off looking blonde with the skanky extensions and the short haired blonde. We all tried to pretend that there were decoys, yadda yadda yadda… But here they are! The only one missing from these? Fo! But, as you’ll see from her photo (TOMORROW, WHEN YOU READ MY NEWEST POST), you’ll wish she wasn’t there at all.

So, they show up at a Brazilian beach with tons of locals, many of whom are fat and icky looking. Nigel, in an ode to the Rib Queen, acts like a retard and comes up with his face buried in a map. He asks them ‘IF THEY KNOW WHERE THE BEACH IS?!?!’. Everyone sort of chuckles nervously. The brief? Stand out amongst a crowd of extras and stuff while wearing an itsy bitsy teenie weeny BRAZILIA bikini. Fo and Celia both want to show Nigel their shit.

Aminat looks stunning in a little bitty yellow bikini. She LOOKS like a swimsuit model, but can’t connect with how amazing she looks. Fo is too safe… She gives ‘Pose, and back, and OOH, and eyebrow raise’, according to Jay. The sad thing is that I can totally understand what he means, and that’s frightening to me. Like, I think I’m going to go flush my head down the toilet. Fo gets compared to Gollum, and is also called a remedial model.

Allison says she does better when she’s a little nervous. She’s wearing the ‘tiniest bathing suit ever’. Nigel called her a pleasant surprise. She really wasn’t afraid to touch the fat sweaty local with the zinc oxide on his nose. Maybe creepychan fucks old dudes?

Teyona scrunches up her shoulders, but it’s the only thing she does wrong. OF COURSE. Duh, bitches. Haven’t you heard? Teyona is perfect! I mean, I totally get hot when she’s giving that same face to the camera every week.

Celia wasn’t there… Her presence felt removed from set. Nigel jumps in and pretends to grope the sweaty man’s man boobies. Jay raves about how well Nigel can sell it. What the fuck ever, man. Then let him be a contestant and Celia can judge.

Back at home, Celia feels shitty. She and Allison really don’t want the bottom 2 to consist of them together. Outside the door, the Queen and Aminat are standing out, spying. Celia feels Aminat will go home since she was in the bottom 2 twice in a row. Aminat is all BITCH, IM GOING NOWHERE and reiterates that Celia should go home because SHE’S OLLDDDD. Fo feels a wee bit nervous.

This week, in the Rules to Thinking Your Advice is Valuable: Work hard, perfect your poses and life will seem like a day at the beach. Yes, I’m sure being able to smile with your eyes will just get you anything you want in life. It may get you a discount at Famous Dave’s Barbecue, if you’re Tyra, but that’s hardly a career. And speaking of the Rib Queen… What is with her hair? It’s like she stood in Teyona’s wind tunnel of a face for half an hour. You know, I wouldn’t doubt that Teyona’s face is near SOMETHING of Tyra’s. How else do you explain this weekly tongue bath? Tyra is practically strapped into her outfit, which is very um… winterish? But she looks nicer than usual.

Teyona, being perfect, looks amazing in one of the outfits from her challenge win. She booked 3/3 of her go-sees. Nobody comments on her only making 3, something that’s very intriguing. I guess when you’re Teyona, even your shits are fierce. Teyona’s trademark is ‘moving her body’. Yes, moving your ass is so revolutionary. Her picture is more of the same horsey expression.

Celia’s outfit is amazing, as usual. TOO BAD SHE’S OLD. OLD OLD OLD OLD. OLDDDDD. OLDIE OLD OLD OLDIE OLD OLDDDDD. She booked 3/4 of her go-sees, but obviously was disqualified. The fact that she practiced before her shoot? Vair bad. Although Tyra is constantly encouraging practice of smiling with your eyes and working that massive smile that haunts my dreams more than Creepychan…. General practice is very good. Paulina the Philosophical says that modeling is like quicksand, and the more you try, the more you’ll sink. So stop trying so hard, and then get eliminated for not ‘wanting it enough’. And being OLD.

Aminat’s pose in her shot is identical to last week’s Carmen Miranda shoot. Except it works better here. She was booked for 2 out of 3 of her go-sees. The judges rave Aminat’s body. Tyra neutralizes the earlier comments about ‘some girl messin with my money’ by saying that Naomi Campbell’s body is one of the best in model history, but that Aminat’s body rivals Naomi’s. They all agree that she is wasting her incredible bod. Tiiiits and asssss.

Fo couldn’t find any length for herself in her shot. Her picture is really appalling. Tyra does a demonstration on how to pose… and most notably, points to parts of her body and occasionally says UHH! to replace their correct anatomical name. The best part? ‘Push them… Shadows… Boobies… Legs!’. Fo booked 0/5 ofher go-sees… Not that it mattered, since she was late. Obviously, this is because she’s short. Tyra remarks on all the remaining girls having ‘something’ that works against them…. Celia- OLD OLDIE OLD. Fo- SHORT SHORT ASS SHORT BITCH. Aminat and Teyona are black, but Teyona is perfect so whatevuh, bye bitch. Allison is quirky. Tell us something we don’t know already. No, seriously.

Tyra expected Allison’s shot to be very *assumes wide eyed face* ‘HI, IM CUTE AND I HAVE CREEPY EYES!’. Bahahaha, SOMEONE has been doing some googling! Allison’s picture is like a sexual mermaid on the shores of Brazil. She only books 1/4 of her go-sees.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. This week’s Top Model in Action? Cycle 11’s Samantha Potter, who’s notably achievements include stomping in a runway fashion show for some Dutch designer. HAHAHAHA WHAAAT?! Didn’t she WIN that challenge with McKey? yes, getting to march in a reward challenge fashion show is SOOO top model. Oh boy, I’m still laughing at this shit.

Teyona, of course, was perfect. Celia, who used to be praised for being focused and attentive, gets the Elina-esque edit for being too structured and studied. Next they’ll eliminate girls for actually fitting the theme of each photoshoot. Aminat is unnatural and needs a ballet teacher/drill seargant to bitch her out every time she messes up. Fo’s picture is a ‘fo-pas’. OH, ROFL. J, YOU ARE JUST TOO FUNNEH, hairy ashy balls and all! Tyra, who hasn’t spoken about herself in just a few minutes, mentions that shooting with top photographers is nerve wracking. During her first shoot with Steven Meisel, he sent her off the set to chill the fuck out. Except Nigel Barker isn’t Steven Meisel. Nigel is a loser on a panel for this stupid show. Allison worked it.

But of course… only one can get first call out and that’s CLEARLY Teyona. DUH. Who’d you expect?!?! Allison and Aminat follow Teyona. Allison does a hilarious robot thing when Tyra tells her to relax her arms.

The bottom 2 are the old fart and the midge. Both of them have to work twice as hard to overcome the stigmas they carry over them– Old age and shortness. Fo’s proportions are too short and she is NO Kate Moss, and she is eliminated.

Tyra tells her to not grow her hair out because it looks stunning as it. They all seemed very sad to see Fo go. She did her signature little bow once more, and got Tyra to bow back. Or maybe Tyra had heartburn from all those chili cheese fries she eats and just sort of keeled over from the discomfort. Either way, Tyra acted like a human about Fo’s elimination. She tells Fo to ‘not grow THIS out or sew tracks into it’… And she, of course, is talking about Fo’s pixie, which caused so many tears at the start of this. If Fo is wise, she will keep it short. This is one makeover that really does work.

Fo cries a lot about her elimination. The end.

Honestly, this show is just painful to watch. I watched 1 episode of Australia’s Next Top Model last night and it’s so much better… Even the least modelesque girl is better than any of these 4 slags (and I actually like Allison and Celia!)

So, is Teyona going to go down as the most predictable winner ever? Leave comments, my dears!