Once upon a time, before there was a supermodel who wanted to guide future girls, there lived a girl named Tahlia.
She had suffered a horrible tragedy at a young age– Her mother, that evil wench, had left her alone in a room. Being a curious little rascal, young Tahlia made her way over to the always-exciting cord connected to the full to the brim coffee pot.
And of course, the coffee pot came down upon her young body.
Young Tahlia suffered immensely… She struggled through several surgeries and then had scars to show for it. Meanwhile, her evil mother was allowed to bear another child, named Marquis. Marquis was the favorite though, and was not left alone in a room with a coffee pot. Tahlia vowed to exploit her mother someday, but nobody took any stock in her vows.
As Tahlia grew up, she was the continued target of bullies at her school. You see, her scars had stretched along with her skin, giving her the appearance of very large and unattractive stretch marks all over her body-
All of this was fine and good UNTIL Tahlia decided that, in order to exploit her wretched mother, she was going to stop at nothing and would end up on popular trash television show ‘America’s Next Top Model’. At the time, the show was still taken moderately seriously as a modeling competition, so Tahlia had no shot in hell at ever making it, but she vowed to get there somehow.
She befriended Britney Spears-
She sent Tyra Banks some of her favorite flowers- Blahlias:
She tried to research real fashion but was always thrown in the crappy seats of fashion shows-
To pay for her expensive habits, all paid for by her own money, seeing as how her mother was too busy showering Marquis with gifts while Tahlia dragged her scarred ass all over the country, she took up a job as a wedding caterer-
The kids at school continued to taunt her, saying ‘YOU’LL NEVER BE A MODEL. YOU’RE TOO JIGGLY AND YOU HAVE NO BONE STRUCTURE’:
But Tahlia just scoffed at them-
‘Y’all don’t even know what I’m capable of. That is SO REAL!’ She exclaimed. Because, what they didn’t know was, America’s Next Top Model had become a farce. It was refered to in some circles at ‘America’s Next Top Unemployed Woman’ and nobody took Tyra Banks seriously. Tahlia had knocked down all the security guards in Cycle 9 by using her hair puff and had managed to get into the fade-out promo:
She had, of course, been thrown out and photoshopped invisible… But she managed to make it back, one more time, for the finale, just in time to see Saleisha take the crown-
As the security guards were about to punt her back to her hometown, a merciful voice stopped them. ‘I know this girl. She has sent me the most BEAUTIFUL Blahlias. I would recognize that heinous face anywhere. Listen to me, everyone. America’s Next Top Model is about to lose all credibility,’ she said. ‘Even this girl, this heinous girl, with the burns and the cellulite and the fat face, CAN BE A MODEL AFTER TONIGHT’S WINNER IS ANNOUNCED. Saleisha, you ARE America’s Next Top Model’. Tyra advised Tahlia to audition in a few cycles, because she needed to award a plus-size girl and then someone else who actually had model prowess but would not to get take advantage of that due to her unfortunate title. Tahlia was thrilled by the news-
The world was shocked by this human being. Never before had they seen a girl with less model potential. She took terrible photos-
And she complained week after week about being insecure about her burns. At the end of every panel, Tyra approached her and told her to keep laying the sob story on as thick as Tyra’s thunder thighs themselves. She told Tahlia that SOMEONE would eventually fall for the charade. Whenever Tahlia had the chance, she exploited her mother, the evil one, forgetting that without her mom’s carelessness, she would be completely ordinary.
And then, all hell broke loose:
Tyra had pre-selected Celia as her ‘old edit’ for the Covergirl shoot and knew that there wasn’t room in the house for both of them. A heated debate followed, and many tears were shed. At one point, Celia was the predetermined eliminee-
But Allison ‘Creepychan’ Harvard protested. And when it was discussed that Tahlia would be next to go-
Some people were not open to the idea.
But in the end, old age was more attractive then scars, and Tahlia was eliminated-
But she was quick to dismiss the show. After all, Tyra had not promised her eighth place. She had promised her AMERICA’S. NEXT. TOP. MAW-DELL.
Because no legitimate magazine or company wanted the likes of Tahlia representing them, she found she had a lot of spare time on her hands. She went back to her old hobby of volleyball-
But found that all that undeserving praise had made her head swell. She got hit in the face with balls a lot. Something that never happened to her in her personal life, since she was, ultimately, still an untoned, razor toothed buffoon of a person.
Oh, but Tahlia didn’t give up on ANTM right away… Oh no. She vowed to haunt the person who had ruined her chances at the title, still believing she’d had a snowball’s chance in hell. Tahlia was very big on revenge fantasies.
Her very presence at Celia’s Brazilian photoshoot made Celia so uncomfortable that she landed in the bottom 2. Twice, Celia had been in the bottom 2 because of Tahlia. TWICE.
But, as was planned by Tyra from day 1, Celia was sent home for looking old in person, and Tahlia needed a new hobby. She went to McDonalds with ANTM’s Most Popular Winner, Whitney-
They discussed future goals. Whitney had failed viciously at everything she’d ever tried, so she wasn’t much help, but Tahlia decided to submit herself to a very prestigious product brand-
She called it ‘Win a Tahlia’-
Unfortunately, when word got out about the potential Tahlia lurking in bags, people stopped buying them. The Tahlias started to go rancid and made the bags disintegrate. Frito-Lay eventually won a multimillion dollar lawsuit against Tahlia. To try and dig herself out of the financial hardship, she tried one last thing. She harvested her scarred up skin to produce a serum that would eliminate smugness and elicit feelings of extreme whining and complaining.
‘Just pour a few drops into your coffee cup and you’ll be whining and bitching in no time!’ But the project was a failure… despite copious amounts of flabby, scarred skin, nobody wanted to be like Tahlia. NO ONE.
Tahlia was stuck!
So, to end her suffering, rather than dumping a pot of hot coffee onto her head, she dipped herself in Cheeto dust and was promptly eaten by a bird-
The moral of the story is– if you look like a jiggly, untoned soccer mom, and the only person who thinks you can model is Tyra Banks, become a camp counselor. Or you will get eaten by a bird.
(Thank you to Antonia, David and Curdledsauce from All-ANTM for making ‘Tahlia, Where U At’ possible)