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JADE!

Leftover lady
Let alone the strongest to be subdued.
If I only had the magic key
that would unlock the realms to
the plateau of the highest me.
Even though I’ve been badly bruised
livin’ in a house to become a popular muse.

No, really. How awesome would it be if Jade popped out of nowhere and was the winner? She’s 30 now, isn’t she?

The competition began with 13 sorry ass excuses for models. There has been gorgeousness and glamor (I like that they showed Aminat on the first runway) and glaring errors (They didn’t show her, but don’t lie. You thought about Tahlia. Or London’s shorts that made her ass look really fat). We got to re-visit Jay calling Tahlia’s disgustingly overrated Immigrant photo ‘really good’. We remember Fo’s ‘kinda awkward’ performance as the Glow in the Dark Dildo photoshoot, freshly shorn and bawling on Nigel’s set. Three girls have survived it all-

Aminat- ‘The stunning and outspoken girl from Union, New Jersey’. She solidified her place in this competition with a strong walk, a huge afro and a quick wit that pissed off the king of S-T-U-P-I-D himself, Chris Crocker. The fro is gone, but the kickin bod lives on.

Allison- ‘The shy girl from New Orleans with a fascinating face’. Despite her Internet fame (google creepychan… I’m not linking you to it. It haunts me) as a weirdo, this little nosebleed fetishist has turned it on week after week with great photos.

And last and certainly least, Teyona, ‘the beautiful and gifted model who has proven from the start that she can turn it out’. Her massive jaw says it all- Esquestrians are the way of the future. Can she lose this? I haven’t felt this sure about a winner since Saleisha.

TYRA MAIL. Be on point or you can KISS this competition goodbye. I guess we know what this season’s Covergirl product/scam is all about. And here I was hoping it would be eyes, since Allison is just so… suited for that. Then again, why should I expect this competition to go in favor of anyone except Teyona?

Huge tangent… I showed my mom pictures of the three finalists, and she actually thought Teyona was the most attractive AND that Allison did ‘nothing’ for her. She admittedly knows jack about modeling but STILL. WHAT A TRAITOR. I bet she secretly works for Tyra. I’m going to wallpaper her room with pictures of Creepychan.

The pressure on Aminat’s throat is beyond words. Yeah, it must be really hard knowing that you knocked off Liverpool, Natalie AND Celia, the latter two of whom are very plausible as models, and the former is quite the fan fave. I still love her too. She’s too hot for words. She knows that she’s the underdog and that she has no room to mess up. Girl, you know it. And really, you can give the best commercial ever and your ass is STILL out because I think we all know that she’s been a buffer for Teyona for WEEKS now. Aminat wants to know the commercial script like the back of her hand.

Teyona starts practicing the lines, in a very over the top and goofy way. I heard something about ‘labios’ and was like ‘male vaginas? Say what?’ until I remembered that labios= lips. Orite. This is a Covergirl ad, not um… A Penthouse pictorial. Aminat is eating a large chunk of something orange. It’s either mango or some kid’s Jack-O-Lantern, but I’ll say the latter, since I can see her snatching a pumpkin off a Brazilian stoop and being like SHUT IT. IT’S MINE.

Teyona is super pumped… She talks extremely fast about therewere13nowtheres3imHEREIMREALLYHEREOHMYGAW… and really, can’t you just picture it? I mean, I can picture it so well when I read that shitshow of a sentence that I think I’m going to type all of Teyona’s lines like that for the duration of this recap. Oh please, you love it.

Allison is nestled in the corner of the bedroom (?) while Aminat and Teyona dance in front of the mirror. She’s sort of aggravated by how loud they are. In what is probably her first moment of desire all cycle, she talks about how much of a shame it would be to lose at this point, and how she’s going to do any and everything to be #1? Does that include a controversial skin darkening session to be the requisite ‘every third cycle’ black winner? There, I said it. I won’t say it again

They’re driven to the Covergirl location. Mr. Jay is there, of course, and asks them ‘Who wants to be a Covergirl?!’ Allison sort of gives a half hearted hand raise, while the other two are much more excited. As we all know, the winner gets their ad featured in the highly sought after venue of Wal-Mart stores until the Midgets from Cycle 13 take over. Then, the winner goes back to working at her old job as a waitress, since 100,000 goes fast when you’re trying to book jobs and getting none of them thanks to your appearance on the show. Teyona could not look more pumped about the Wal-Mart thing. We’re unfortunately not shown the reactions of the other two, who are probably thinking of ways to flub this so they can lose and keep their dignity.

Out walks Cycle 11’s perfect faced winner, McKey Sullivan. She has gotten her hair chopped even shorter, which works if you have bone structure like that. She does the requisite speech about the new product, called Outlast Lipstick. She really does sound sort of robotic, and she can’t contain a laugh as she says “it won’t smudge or budge”. Bitch is awesome.

Aminat is still planning to be on her “A plus plus” game. She looks luminous, but her commercial delivery is flat. Jay gives her shit about not relaxing her eyes or her face, and being too ‘Botoxville’. On her second take, she did much better. Jay still wasn’t loving the lack of movement in her face. The photographer of the still shot said she looked beautiful and friendly.

Allison reminds us that she was the worst one in the first commercial. HOW SOON WE FORGET TAHLIA. She blinks a LOT as she forgets the entire script. Some eerie music starts playing, and I’m so pumped that maybe she’ll finally eat someone. Unfortunately, the bitch remembers her lines altogether too well and seems to pull together something moderately cute. Jay says that she’s still not ready to move on and be a real Covergirl. Yes, because TEYONAGUUUURLLLLWHATSHAPPENING is sooo articulate. I just find that Teyona is so much fun to poke fun at. Anyway, the photographer compares Allison’s look to that of Bettie Page. He loves her great face and big eyes. Me too.

Teyona(HAYYYGUUUUURLLLL) knows that if she fucks up at all, she can be sent home. She does a take and my jaw literally dropped. I couldn’t understand a damn word of it. She was talking SO fast that it was basically just ‘NEWOUTLASTLIPSTICKITSAHAYYYGUUUURLMARKERLIPSTAIN’ … I mean, WHOA. She starts babbling like Saleisha about not wanting this taken from her, only unlike Tootie, she’s actually upset. Or she’s just a way better actress. Jay tells her to sing the song that she made up so she could remember the lines. Can’t you just see it?

Tyra: Teyona, you made up a song to remember the words! Work! Fierce!

Teyona: AHDIDIMADEUHPASAHWONGTAREMEMBERTHAWORDS

Nigel: You’re so… innovative! Now get over here and sit on my face!

So, this song? Wtf? She can’t even remember the damn song, which sounds like NEWOUTLASTLIPSTAINDAAAADAAAAAHAASPITTTTHAYYY. Poor bitch starts sobbing. She knows she can do this, but her nerves are kicking her ass. Shockingly, Teyona pulls off some semblance of a commercial. It’s not good, but it’s not shit-tastic on an Analeigh level either. Girl was clearly nervousy, and let her nerves get the best of her. She appears to be wearing a different outfit for her Covergirl shoot.

Aminat feels great about her performance. She tells us that she ‘was better than good’, but rather ‘freaking phenomenal’. She’s been skating by on mediocrity for weeks now, and then decides to be freaking phenomenal? Dammit, you sexy human being!!! Why couldn’t you be phenomenal a few weeks ago?! Then the entire Interweb (minus me and like 5 other people) wouldn’t hate you! Allison is anxious. Teyona is so distraught over her performance that she can’t even talk. And that’s different from the usual Teyona… how? LIKE OMG!!! She just feels like she failed as a spokesperson and that this competition is everything to her. She is seriously crying.

And really, this is the turning point with me and Teyona. Don’t worry, I’m still going to make fun of her. But seeing this humble side of her is so damn endearing. Seeing her cry like that is horrible! Nobody deserves to be that sad!

At the first panel, Tyra tells them that this is the most gut-wrenching part of ANTUE (unemployed woman, for those who didn’t know). That’s interesting. So it’s more heart-wrenching to let go of the third placers than the lowly 2nd placers? Well, they’re generally pretty fierce, if you look back: Elyse, Yaya, Amanda, Keenyah (meh), Bre (meh), JADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Eugena (big meh), Renee, JENAH, Fatima and Analeigh (meh). Yeah, I see what she means. Most of those were pretty awful for me too. Tyra introduces us to the regular judges and then to the guest judge, designer for Rosa Cha fashion, Amir Slama. Let me tell you… That is one sexy hunk of man. No seriously, if you’re going to click any of the pictures in this recap… That’s the one you should click. Tyra, always the cunning linguist, introduces the designer as Rosa Ch-ah, even though it’s pronounced Sh-ah. What a dumbfuck.

The group commercial is sort of adorably hilarious. One of the lines is ‘It’s magic in a marker!’ Teyona gets the coveted ‘Kiss my labia’ line, and Aminat is mostly shown kicking a soccer ball at some random Brazilian kid. She probably said ‘Back up, or I’ll cut you’ too. I would die for a rough cut of this shit.

Teyona is up first for judging. Her ‘best’ commercial take is pretty shit-tastic, at best. She looks sort of pissed off throughout. Miss J resorts to ‘top model profanity– What the FSAFKSF’. You think I could make that shit up? What’s the difference between top model profanity and regular profanity? Un-fierce? Nigel is all what the hell happened? She explains her nerve issue. J tells her to let out all her tears and cry if she has to. Tyra tells her to cover up her errors in a more appropriate way. Since the client is all about being fresh and smiley, she should basically just make an ass out of herself and be like WOOO, rather than ‘Ahhhhh’ *big dramatic shake*. It’s pretty sound advice, though, as always, her demonstrations are just insane. It’s a tame critique for such a crappy commercial. Somewhere in the US of A, Analeigh and Jenah are throwing shit at their TVs for not sucking nearly as much but getting 10x the critique. Teyona’s CG ad is absolutely amazing. Her 12-head has clearly been photoshopped down, but whatevuh. Tyra says that the shot is ‘in the dictionary under ‘smiling with your eyes’. I guess they finally updated you OUT of it, Ty-Ty. Tyra also likes that the shot fits in the new, more sultry image of Covergirl, which used to be all about ‘bubbles and smiles’. And incessantly spewing rainbows.

Allison’s commercial was a little stiff. Tyra gave her shit for sounding like a robot and gave another amazing demonstration– ‘When I talk to you guys, I’m not Allison. Your. Picture. Is. Terrible… I’m like YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT’S NOT SO GOOD’. Yes, Tyra is your buddy. The principal is your pal. Paulina says that her voice was expressive and that she actually made you want to listen. They love her Covergirl shot and are convinced that she can do both high fashion and commercial modeling. I’m not nuts about it, personally, but it’s some kind of cute.

Aminat is wearing a long black dress and is heart-stoppingly beautiful. Like, seriously. Get this one a medal already. Her commercial was a lot of fun… She did a cute ‘shoulder’ shrug thing that Tyra was all hot for, saying that it was ‘how real people talk’. GUURLLYOUKNOWWHATTHISISHOWREALPEOPLE…

Yeah. I find Aminat’s CG picture to be absolutely lovely, but the judges are still not seeing her working her face muscles. Tyra gives it a ‘wahhh- wahhhhh’ sound of dismissal. Sigh.

The Rosa ‘Ch’-a guy is all like ‘mehhh’, while Tyra says LETTUCE DECIDE WHICH OF THESE GIRLS WILL STOMP IN A ROSA ‘CH’-A FASHION SHOT. Teyona is called an amazing 1 dimensional model who can’t do a commercial, but is to die for in photos. That’s grounds for elimination for many, but not this one. No way. Also, why the FUCK hasn’t her accent been brought up yet? I really miss Celia. Allison garners basically no praise and Rosa Ch-a guy thinks she’s too short for catwalk, even though Allison and Teyona are the same height. Always making sense, this bunch! Aminat is the most beautiful and you can’t help but notice her (duh). J says something retarded about ‘it’s not the want, it’s the launch’….? Whatever, bow-tie man. You’re pointless.

Allison, despite getting no real positive feedback about either her commercial or her picture during deliberation, gets first call out. Teyona, who was a mess over a possible bottom 2 last week, is dry-eyed as she and bottom 2 regular Aminat step forward for Rib Queen to give them their fate in this shitstorm. Aminat is STUUUUUNING. Tyra says that ‘the next fabulous body in fashion has arrived’. She gives the first contradictory statement of the evening by saying that Aminat’s photos started of meh and that she progressed and got better. Orly?

aminat

That’s week 7. And that… is considered an improvement over:

America's Next Top Model

That? Kay, whatevz. Trying to follow the inconsistencies in this show is impossible.

Teyona is a more edgy beauty. Read: Not beautiful at all. She has been super strong from the beginning, and if you ignore the identical horse maw in every shot, she’s quite photogenic. She has been unanimously voted best photo three times (Allison is at 4 now, suck on that, Tey), but her commercial performance made the judges nervous.

And of course, it’s Teyona that is saved. I talked myself into a surprise, and it was stupid. From day 1, it was clear that she was making it hella far. I love Aminat, but I can’t argue and say that she was more deserving than Teyona when you look at the whole package.

While saying goodbye to Aminat, Tyra tells her that she has ‘novacaine in all the wrong places’ and that she should only have it in her lips. If Aminat is as S-T-U-P-I-D as Natalie, she’ll actually inject novacaine into her lips upon leaving the show. Aminat is bummed and she cries, which is semi-moving, since she’s still gorgeous, even with a puffy face.

And to soothe the wounds from the Aminat departure? More. Of. This. Ugly. Stank. Bitch:

Doesn’t she have something better to do than make my eyes bleed every episode? Like edit a magazine? She tries to act all cool by explaining that 13 million girls will see one of them on Seventeen magazine and is all ‘let’s hit it’. Let’s hit you. In the jaw. Or babymaker.

Allison thinks it’s insane that she’s made it this far. Teyona is all IJUSTGOTTA BRINGMAHDRIVEANDTHENGITIT. SUCKett says that the competition has never been this tight. Psh, it’s not tight for me. Creepychan= Amazing, Horseface=Decent-ish. Bring on the catwalk.

Teyona, who has never revealed this side of herself before, compares the final runway to D-Day. Aha! So Aminat is a professor of English and possibly linguistics, and Teyona is a history buff! She tells us that this is ‘do or die’ and that she’s just ‘GONGOINTHEREANBECONFIDEN’. McKey has some blue gunk all over her face that reminds me of Liverpool’s blue herpes paint shot from earlier in the cycle. Allison is freaking out, since she knows that runway is her weakest area. She wants to pull it together for this. She gets this amazing, huge, skinny, ponytail that hangs to her ass. Her hair looks really great pulled back, and you can see how awesome her face really is. As much as I hated her weave at first (and it’s still scary how raggedy it is), I have to admit that the blonde really does wonders for her. It brightens her whole face up and anything is an improvement over her scraggly brown creepychan do. Tyra wishes both finalists luck, and acts like McKey isn’t even there to open the damn show. Poor McKey. Teyona is ready to work it out.

Allison is in a panicky mood. Teyona is all OKAYGURLJUSSTAYCALM and WAITTEELYOUCANCRAH. Tyra looks like she’s wearing a purple witch cape. Miss J is wearing some sort of designer bathrobe, complete with feathers. The judges have an odd seat like, directly on the catwalk. The show starts with Capoeira dancers. McKey opens the show, as is custom for the previous cycle winners. Oh man, remember Whitney running up the hill in Amsterdam’s pink monstrosity. You could see her chins wobbling and everything. SO fierce. McKey still can’t walk– rather, she lumbers. Teyona goes first and appears to look down a lot. She feels great about her walk. We see Maira Veira, the winner of C2 of Brazil’s Next Top Model. Uh, WHAT? Did I just see Ana Beatriz Barros on the damn runway? Isn’t she like a legit supermodel? What the hell is she doing here?! Allison is next, and is shockingly good to the judges.

For part 2 of the runway, there’s meant to be a Samba feel to the walk. Funny that the two who really bombed the Samba challenge are meant to perform it on a catwalk. Teyona is all about FINDINGSOULANDRHYTHYMHAYYGURL. Allison pulls some cute trick out of her creepychan hat and does a little shimmy with Miss. J, who is on his feet, making an asshole out of himself and trying to get attention. Teyona, suddenly Ms. Elitist, walks right by him.

And then… In what is perhaps the most bizarre thing I’ve seen in ANTM history, both girls are like… coated in black, oily paint. Jay is all ‘If anyone touches me, I’m going to beat you’. Instead of walking, everyone walks out to the catwalk together and just falls to the floor in a heap.

It is an orgy. Do not believe anything else you hear. It’s a complete and utter orgy. Allison felt sexy as she rolled around in other people’s sweat. She says it was like live art. And then, as if it couldn’t possibly get any better…

TEYONA’S WEAVE FALLS OUT. HAHAHAHHA. And you know what she does? She starts SWINGING IT AROUND IN THE AIR. It is, without a doubt, her best moment of the cycle. By a very large margin. She’s like some cuckoo Lady Godiva-esque creature out there, covered in gook and swinging her fake hair around her. While this is happening, Allison is all sprawled out and limb-y on the cat walk, and then they both start crawling towards the end. They both look a little sex-starved, so I’m wondering if Nigel was like… at the end, with his pants unzipped. Honestly, both of them look hot as hell. It may not have been the most modelesque thing ever, but damn. At least it was interesting.

Tyra meets them after and is proud as hell. She promises to get Teyona some new hair… YET AGAIN. Does anyone else think it’s funny that this is Teyona’s  THIRD weave?! Just give it up and let the poor girl go weave-less, jeeeez. I think maybe they don’t make weaves big enough for 12-heads.

It’s final panel time. Yes, it’s that time already. Both girls are wearing Rosa C-Ha bikinis, which strikes me as a little awkward, since like… the air conditioning might me on and there’s no hiding nippy noodles if that happens, amirite? Runway is critiqued first. Allison shocked the hell out of everyone. Even J is pretty impressed by her. Tyra was so sure that Teyona would kill our little Creepychan in the runway challenge, but it didn’t happen. They went so far as to assume that she’d be a ‘buck eyed mess’. Is that like buck tooth? What’s buck eye?

Thats a buckeye, apparently.

That's a buckeye, apparently.

Teyona’s walk is good, but her body language was robotic. I KNEW I wasn’t imagining it when I saw her look down. Tyra applauded her for really turning it around when she put her hands on her hips.

Here’s where the real fun starts… Portfolio evaluation. The childhood games shoot is skipped, which is for the best, seeing as how A) It was a complete joke and B) Tyra probably doesn’t want to remind anyone about it, seeing as how Scarsy is preggo, thus completely destroying the ‘Girls are growing up and you guys shouldn’t encourage that’ message she so desperately wanted to spread. Nope, we get to see the Glowy Dildos Shoot, where Teyona received a first call-out, even though Allison’s picture is infinitely better. Paulina is fast and loose and says that Allison’s picture is much stronger.

WAIT. Didn’t Tyra say earlier that Teyona had 3 unanimous first call outs? Paulina just completely knocked THAT to shit. I guess I know why she got fired! Paulina goes on to say that Teyona looks sad and stiff-looking. Tyra disagrees… She sees a fire in what is a very simple shot.

Mercifully, we aren’t subjected to the New York characters shot, where Teyona is seconds away from devouring my head and Allison is upstaged by Liverpool. Phew. I did not really want to revisit either shot. We also skip immigrants, which would have been the only time where I actually give Teyona credit for delivering an amazing picture. Instead, it’s time for powder paint-

The judges love Teyona’s face. She thinks she’s pretty and natural. Damn right… Has she ever worn makeup to panel before today? I forgot to mention that she has another weave, and this one is long and straight, and they’re both wearing those fierce skinny ponytails. Allison is criticized for this shot– Nigel found it startling, weird and unnatural. Paulina and J love her ‘one look’, even though they both gave her shit about it earlier in the cycle. Listen, whores. I’ve been a fan of her one look for ages. Fair-weather judges.

We move onto the crazed Ciara fans, and I really am sort of happy that Aminat is gone. I’m already sick of listening to people bitch about her, but if her portfolio was being compared, I’d never hear the end of how much she sucks. Although Teyona received the ‘unanimous first call out’, it’s Allison that is praised to the high heavens, by Nigel! This is the very shoot where he threw a fit because she liked it the best, but apparently now, it’s amazing. These poor beetches. How do they keep up?! Paulina is hot for Teyona’s picture… Her face looks amazing (even if it is in the typical 3/4 profile).

We move on to the Carmen Miranda shoot. Teyona is praised for looking her most editorial. Allison proved that she can do pretty with this shot, and is compared to a 1950s pinup.

I can’t get over Teyona’s right arm (or lack thereof) in that shot.

Finally, there’s the bird pictures-

Tyra reminds us all how to count to six when she tells Allison that the chosen shot was her ‘1-2-3-4-5-SIXTH frame!’ They have no negatives about the picture. Um, duh. Look at it? It’s amazing. Teyona’s is well-received, but Nigel doesn’t think she worked her body. Tyra wishes she had pushed Teyona harder during the shoot.

To be perfectly fair… The judges, despite their ‘unanimous first call out’ inconsistency… are being really, really genuine in their assessment. Like, how dry is the recap of this? I feel bad for going down on such a low note, but really… NOBODY sucked hard this episode!

During the final deliberation, you can tell Teyona’s got this thing. They’re both praised for being great in photos, decent on the catwalk, and unique looking. But Teyona wins the kiss of approval (and shitty TV spots for six months) when the judges say she wants it more. The girls must have to wear t-shirts that gauge how ‘bad’ they want it that get photoshopped out, because I’ve never understood that. Most notable, Tyra says that Teyona’s big ass face works for high fashion.

And then, really… Did you expect anyone but Teyona to take this shit at this point? I admit to fantasizing about an Aminat victory, but as she said from Day 1: ‘Ima be on these walls nexchear’ (about the winner walls in the house). Bring on the midgets, por favor.

Teyona’s reaction is quite endearing. I always love the reactions to the winners, and it honestly doesn’t bother me that she has this. It’s better for Allison’s career to NOT be the winner of this show. Wow, Teyona was a super cute little girl, AND…

IMLAHKESOPRODUOFMAHSELFMYHARDWURKPAIDOFF! She gets to do a photoshoot with Tyra, as is custom for the winner, and the finished product looks like MySpace photos! That is SO real. Tyra gives the final word on Wind in the Face by getting up in the camera and being all ‘It’s TEE-ON-UH, not TEE-OWN-UH’. Thanks for clearing that up, Ribsy. I’ll miss you over the summer.

One last thing… Those who are fans of Allison? Don’t worry about Creepychan. She and Fo are already signed with Nous Models, Nicole Linkletter’s agency, so hopefully everyone’s favorite will be going the way of Anya and making us proud. Keep checking in as I update everyone… I’ll be doing some Cycle 12 wrap-ups for the next week or so, including a video with my full call outs. PLEASE keep visiting… I plan on continuing to write… I just dunno what I’m going to talk about yet. And if call-outs and all that jazz aren’t your style, please come back and visit when Cycle 13 starts. I’m already calling an Asian victory. Anyway, this seems like a good time to thank those who have been faithful followers of Euphoria from the start of the cycle… It’s because of you that I’m still awake at 4:30 am doing this!

Love you all!

❤ Amanda

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