The Cycle 13 promo pictures have been released! As far as I’m concerned, it’s officially ON SEASON. Since I’m going back to school and will need lots of new distractions to help me with my major in procrastination, I will probably be posting a lot more than I have since the reptile queen was crowned America’s Next Top Unemployed Woman.
So! THE MIDGETS ARE HERE! And you know what? I may regret saying this but they’re…. a decent looking crop. There isn’t one that is so overwhelmingly awesome that she’s bound to disappoint (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, SIMONE!) but there are no Tahlias either. In fact, I’m reminded most of Australia’s Next Top Model Cycle 5, where everyone was just… really decent. Don’t worry… I’ll still find things to rag on them about. Like, mainly how they’re ALL MIDGETS. Bahahahahaha. So, in the style of Fourfour, I’m going to start from ‘least enthused’ and work my way up to approximately 5 feet and 7 inches of awesomeness.
Bianca-
Tough call with this one… On the one hand, she’s got a little touch of Nnenna in her, and Nnenna was beautiful. But ultimately, I see someone with very little bone structure, a sourpuss face, and a mockery of the ORIGINAL Bianca’s bald makeover. How soon we forget that we already HAD a Bianca…
Yeah, I don’t care that everyone else thinks Bianca is a stankity bitch. I LOVED HER. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER BIANCA. Sorry Midget Bianca. You’re low on my list. Please be the next Spontaniouse, and then maybe we’ll talk about moving you up.
Rae-
Everyone is blowing their load over this one, and I assume it’s the hair. She’s got that long, candy floss blonde hair, which is pretty, although it looks a bit more ‘mallrat with ceramic straightener’ than it does ‘ethereal and modelicious’. No, the real problem with Rae is her proportions. At 5’6, you’ve already got more problems than most, but add in some thick thighs and essentially no chest and I disconnect. Sorry Rae. I feel like I’m looking at Liverpool’s legs all over again.
Lisa-
She’s wearing Dominique’s black spandex unitard and tights combo, which was a bad idea on the decently bodied Dominique, and a huge faux pas on the 5’5 Lisa. She reminds me of Cycle 3 and 4 plus size reject Mary, to be honest. And unlike other contestants, her problem is what appears to be a substantial upper body. Legs? Not too bad, except for their stumpiness. But overall, being compared to Dominique and plus size reject doesn’t bode too well for Lisa.
Ashley-
I’m most likely to forget about her before the show starts, although that could wind up working in her favor, since I was constantly forgetting Natalie in Cycle 12 and she ended up being one of my absolute favorites. I’m hoping she’s a real pretentious Williamsburg cunt, although her saggy elephant skin jeans would suggest lower east side public school grad. Yeah, I guess her body isn’t bad but I remember her top more than I remember her. Ashley WHO?
Jennifer-
If I had to guess, I’d say that we’re looking at our probable winner in Jennifer. Seriously, Tyra has ALWAYS wanted an Asian and they’re always… lacking. Well, April wasn’t, but that was like 11 cycles ago and I’m almost willing to let it go. She’s got a cute face, but her legs are seriously not what I wanted them to be. Was this the best Asian they could find? Come on, there are zillions of beautiful Asian girls without thunder thighs out there! I’m disappointed in the Asian Picking Brigade.
Lulu-
Everyone loves Lulu because she’s gay. I like Lulu’s skin color. I like that her legs aren’t fat. I hate that her name is Lulu, because every time I type her name, I type ‘Luly’, so that is officially her name from now on. Also, I hate that Luly’s face looks photoshopped onto a different body. Does anyone else notice this? Maybe I’m in for a surprise, and she’ll be like this cycle’s Ambreal, but with actual modeling prowess. She seems fun, so hopefully this will be the case.
Courtney-
ANOTHER Courtney?! Only this one actually spells her name properly! Problem is, this one is the second shortest of a bunch of short ass models. It’s too bad, because she appears to have a decent stomach and great, albeit short, legs. Perhaps she’s a little pedestrian, but let’s be real here… These girls are not going to work when the show concludes, so I can give kudos to pedestrian when they’re all doomed. At least she’s pretty. There. Also, I hope her hair is short and not pulled back.
Sundai-
Okay, until we’re told that her name isn’t pronounced like ‘Sunday’, that’s her name. It’s probably Soon-Die or something like that, but for now, and hell, who am I kidding, probably the rest of the cycle, she shall be Sunday. Sunday’s biggest problem is that she’s 5’3. Now, if this were a typical cycle of ANTM, she should just put on her Adrianne Curry mask and show up because she’d be out on her short ass faster than Allison Harvard at a Bloodlust Addiction meeting. BUT! This is the MIDGET CYCLE (god, I love saying that) and Sunday is seriously cute. I love that long sheet of black hair… And lemme just go there and say AT LEAST SHE’S NOT AS FAT AS FUCKING ANCHAL.
Kara-
Kara reminds me of Allison Janney in the face, and while Allison Janney is adorable and stuff, I don’t really think that a 19 year old should look like her. She’s in the 5’7 club, which is an automatic upgrade, but she’s wearing those stupid folded over ankle boots with some sort of tennis dress, and therefore, I’m pissed at her, because she’s totally stubbying her midget legs! I mean, come on! I am hoping that this is the girl I’m underestimating most, because I could see her working almost any haircut and not sucking much at all throughout the cycle.
Brittany-
Oh dear lord. Another Brittany to add to the repetoire. Did these girls lose their hilariously bad names along with their heights? Brittany has a vague scent of skank residing in her cleavage, but she also has a nice pair of stubby legs that make her appear taller than her 5’5. Also, I love a girl with some bounce in her hair. I think she could actually be much prettier than this shot.
Rachel-
I am not crazy about Rachel’s face, as I feel reminded of this obnoxious bitch with squinty eyes from my New Jersey middle school who always tried to hang out with the ‘cool girls’ and didn’t realize that nobody actually wanted her around. I do, however, really like the stems on this one. She’s also smart… She wore flat, gladiator sandals, but stood on her toes to lengthen her limbs! Actually, she probably could have just worn heels, but at least she didn’t just accept defeat and stand flat footed. She definitely looks longer than her suggested 5’5. Rachel can stay. As long as she doesn’t turn out to be the cousin of that stupid bitch from NJ.
Laura-
I can’t quite pinpoint why, but I am LOVING this one. I love the playful little tip of her right foot… Maybe I’m just hallucinating but doesn’t she appear to be taller than most as well? Her face has that sort of waifish, underfed appeal to it that’s so common in fashion right now, so she would actually have an ounce of relevance if she weren’t so short.
Erin-
The other one that everyone is splooging over, except I actually GET IT here. This girl is seriously hot, and she looks taller than her 5 feet and 6 inches. Perhaps we can thank the toned calves for that, which seems to be the ‘problem area’ for most of the midgets. If anyone is going to be the ‘letdown’ this cycle, it’s Erin, but as of now, I have my eye on her.
Nicole-
Okay, first of all… This one apparently was born with a ‘bloody eyeball’. Hello, do you think she knows Creepychan? I already loved her for being like a midget version of Cintia Dicker, and knowing that ruching over the midsection does wonders for the body. Then I find out that her nickname was (is?) bloody eyeball, and I’m just completely enamored. I hope that her red hair is natural. I hope they let her keep it curly. Oh, she is SO cute. It’s probably no coincidence that she is one of the tallest girls there. Hahaha.
So, if I had to make some extremely early predictions, here’s what I’d go on
Winner- Jennifer
Runner-Up- Erin
3rd- Rachel/Kara
4th- Nicole
5th- Rachel/Kara
6th- Luly
7th- Brittany
8th- Sunday
9th- Bianca
10th- Laura (Hopefully I’m wrong)
11th- Rae
12th- Ashley
13th- Lisa
14th- Courtney (I like her, but if there’s a shoot requiring edge, she’s fucked)
So, totally off base? HERE’S HOPING! How boring would it be to know the winner from day 1 AGAIN?!
COMMENTS? PLEASE LEAVE THEM! Can’t wait to start recapping again!
My ANTM Addiction Starts Here 
First of all just let me say, WOOP WOOP! It’s gooooooood to have Euphoria back in business.
This Bianca really DOES sort of look like the other Bianca…well, in so much as they’re both bald anyway…this one doesn’t seem to have any great sort of bone structure or anything (I can’t believe I just said that 😦 ) she just looks like a regular chick.
Rae reminds me of Claire Danes…a chunky legged Claire Danes…I normally don’t even notice chunky legs in these things, but I’m definitely noticing chunky’s chunkiness in this one. If you stood her on her head she’d look like the Manhattan skyline pre-2001…she also looks a little old in the face to me.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. LOOK HOW CUTE THE LITTLE PIXIE IS! I COULD JUST PICK HER UP AND CARRY HER AROUND IN MY POCKET! AND WHY’S SHE MAKING SUCH A FUNNY FACE?! HOW IS SHE NOT BOTTOM?!
“I’m hoping she’s a real pretentious Williamsburg cunt, ”
Bahahaha. She seems to have a nice body, but I find something really off putting about her face and hair…seems to be a recurring theme here.
Okay Jennifer, if that’s your real name, nice legs, I have no problem with the legs, but once again, BIIIIIIIIIIIIG problem with the face. WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?! AND CAN WE HAVE THEM ALL WEAR MASKS?!
LULY’S A FRICKIN’ LESBO?! I notice no photoshopped face, I really, really do love her skin colour and her shape seems cute, and she actually has a cute face! However, she also looks pretty stupid to me, and I’m betting she’s another “I know, riiiiiight? I didn’t!” I dunno…just something about the way she’s standing.
Um, Courtney is HOT! “but let’s be real here… These girls are not going to work when the show concludes,” 😦 😦 😦 I really do love her look from top to bottom, and yes, her hair is a strange one, I too hope it is short, but I’m not liking our chances.
“she’d be out on her short ass faster than Allison Harvard at a Bloodlust Addiction meeting.”
lolololololol
KARA IS 19?! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IN WHAT DECADE WERE YOU 19, SWEETHEART?! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hopefully being a 5 foot 7 inch giant will have her towering so far over everyone else that they won’t notice her 50 year old woman face. Has there EVER been an older looking ANTM contestant than this?
Ummmmmmmmm, Brittany is hot and you are a hater! I don’t like her clenched, nervous looking right hand, but otherwise I think she looks wonderful 😦
“I feel reminded of this obnoxious bitch with squinty eyes from my New Jersey middle school who always tried to hang out with the ‘cool girls’ and didn’t realize that nobody actually wanted her around.”
😦 Did you push her in a puddle and pull her pigtails?
This chick is so cute! She sort of reminds me a little of Rosario Dawson in the face, and I love her strong confident pose, she reminds me of Mighty Mouse. Bob bless you, Rachel, may you go far.
Laura – Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooring. And are you just TOTALLY going to overlook her rather obvious (though well hidden) thunder thighs?!
Erin has a hot face and hot legs, but her face, though naturally emotive, also looks sort of bored here, and she really doesn’t look tall to me, I think it’s obvious she’s pretty short.
Uh, yes, Nicole looks to me in a totally different league to everyone else, she looks tall, she looks in the right sort of shape, she has an incredibly interesting and unique face, GORGEOUS hair, she’s just perfect. If she doesn’t go very, very far I shall eat my hat.
For now, all I’ll say is that I like Ashley, Lulu, and everyone from Sundai down on your list. I haven’t given them a terribly close look… but it appears we may have the second girl to approach being a natural redhead! And her name’s Nicole, too!
They may all be short, but it kinda of adds credence to the notion that anyone who ever tried to argue about real modeling potential (in anyone other than Mollie, Elyse, Kat, or Anya) was a fucking retard. If this show were about modeling, how do you explain 14 midgets?
I’m glad to see that this blog is up and running again! Let me start with my OMG SO IMPORTANT CRITIQUE OF EACH GIRL.
Tanya Dziahileva and Cassi van den Dungen have had a child, and her name is Rachel. This girl is going to either take unbelievable photos, or flop. She’s the midget Lauren Brie. Also, if I were a girl, I’d jack her outfit.
Lulu = MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE! Tell me she doesn’t channel a baby Chanel Iman. And if you still think she doesn’t, I suggest you see this:
http://www.rtvgames.com/showpost.php?p=940519&postcount=1
She’s on your favorites list now, right? *crosses fingers and hopes* Anyway, she seems to be the only good black girl this cycle, which is great, because it’s Lulu, but disappointing, because this looks like it’s going to be another Cycle 11 incident. Sigh…
Bianca = BAI, BITCH! This girl is no good, at all. I hope she’s a bitch, because otherwise, there would be no reason to keep her. She’s out in my book.
Ashley and Lisa are pedestrians. Filler girls, much? Let them be the first out, PLEASE! They probably won’t be, knowing Tyra.
There’s something about Laura that I’m not too keen on. Yeah, she DOES have a waif-like look, but her legs (and her leggings) bother the hell out of me. Her legs look uncannily thick, and like it doesn’t belong on her body. Mama needs to check her thighs in the mirrah’…and speak of that…
…Jennifer. She’s the Asian Eugena. She’s pretty, and she has nice skin, and GORGEOUS hair, but her legs are really unfortunate. I also laughed for ages at her occupation, “Model.” Honey, we’re in a depression, don’t be afraid to say “unemployed.”
Erin looks really good in her promo shot, but she’s not one of my very favorites, like most others. She’s up top, but I think she’s just a *little* overrated. I honestly see too much an actress in her. Selena Gomez and Jessica Alba mix, anyone? Her movement is nice in the pre-show photo, but I keep seeing Jessica Alba. Pretty, but not working.
I know people are going to be coming at me with pitchforks and harpoons for saying this, but I decided not to give a fuck: Nicole looks like a more high-fashion Claire Unabia. There. I said it. I compared the two. She also gives me a slight Saffron Burrows vibe. I really like her, and I’m hoping she performs well. She’s going to make it overseas, without a doubt.
When I see Kara, I only see Kelli from The Real Housewives of New York. If Kelli weren’t so pretty, it would honestly bother the hell out of me. AND HOW THE HELL CAN SHE BE 19 LOOKING LIKE THAT!? She looks like a grown, mature woman. The angle’s weird, but we may have another case of the Eastern European hard look and nose (Anya and Natasha). I expect her to be cut pretty early, but I do think she’s pretty. She just doesn’t look all that youthful.
Rae’s just a mature AusNTM5’s Clare. Her body is a bit too muscular for modeling, but her face is pretty. So is her hair. That’s about it, though. Next.
LOVE Courtney! She’s got a great body, and although the posing in the photo is a bit amateur, she’s able to look 100% commercial and friendly. Stick that face in an ad for any product, and the mass will give in. A shame she’s only 5’4″.
The thing about Sundai is that I sort of don’t get her. And I’m actually hoping that her name will be pronounced “Sun-die,” by the way. Anyway, she does give a slight Ebony Morgan vibe in the face, but her 5’3″ height is working against her, and I honestly don’t think she’ll be that good. She looks like she some 6-foot boyfriend’s pants, by the way. She’s just not working for me, really.
Brittany reminds me of this one girl who went to my school, Donna. Now, Donna is an unbelievably intelligent and GORGEOUS, GORGEOUS girl. I barely have an opinion on Brittany because I see too much Donna. And I’m kind of disappointed, because Donna has a body that’s better than even Aminat’s. In fact, I’m forgetting that Brittany exists. Her clothes are great, though.
I think I’ve touched on every girl, right? Anyway, this is a pretty good cast, I think. First of all, Lulu’s in it, so there’s justice in the world. That bitch better make it overseas. In fact, if she just won, I’d be happy. Right now, I’m only accepting these winners:
Lulu, Nicole (although, she probably won’t win BECAUSE her name is Nicole…), Courtney, Erin, Jennifer (she’s going to win, who are we kidding?), or Rachel. Maybe Laura. Maybe.
Please, please, PLEASE just don’t let Lulu go home first! PLEASE!
(They probably won’t, since they’ll try to milk her sexuality for all it’s worth. Which I’m totally okay with. The Jays are going to LOVE her.)
It’s good to be back! I almost left a long response like the people above me, but then I looked at the girls and just felt like…sleeping. It’s all sort of dull, since I will never be as enamored with anyone as I was with Creepychan/Allison. I feel like crying. These girls better prove me wrong!
I like none of them. Im sorry. But, I gotta say, I LOVE your recapping style!
Love ya Amanda!
Nat