The Cycle 13 promo pictures have been released! As far as I’m concerned, it’s officially ON SEASON. Since I’m going back to school and will need lots of new distractions to help me with my major in procrastination, I will probably be posting a lot more than I have since the reptile queen was crowned America’s Next Top Unemployed Woman.

So! THE MIDGETS ARE HERE! And you know what? I may regret saying this but they’re…. a decent looking crop. There isn’t one that is so overwhelmingly awesome that she’s bound to disappoint (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, SIMONE!) but there are no Tahlias either. In fact, I’m reminded most of Australia’s Next Top Model Cycle 5, where everyone was just… really decent. Don’t worry… I’ll still find things to rag on them about. Like, mainly how they’re ALL MIDGETS. Bahahahahaha. So, in the style of Fourfour, I’m going to start from ‘least enthused’ and work my way up to approximately 5 feet and 7 inches of awesomeness.

Bianca-

Tough call with this one… On the one hand, she’s got a little touch of Nnenna in her, and Nnenna was beautiful. But ultimately, I see someone with very little bone structure, a sourpuss face, and a mockery of the ORIGINAL Bianca’s bald makeover. How soon we forget that we already HAD a Bianca…

Yeah, I don’t care that everyone else thinks Bianca is a stankity bitch. I LOVED HER. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER BIANCA. Sorry Midget Bianca. You’re low on my list. Please be the next Spontaniouse, and then maybe we’ll talk about moving you up.

Rae-

Everyone is blowing their load over this one, and I assume it’s the hair. She’s got that long, candy floss blonde hair, which is pretty, although it looks a bit more ‘mallrat with ceramic straightener’ than it does ‘ethereal and modelicious’. No, the real problem with Rae is her proportions. At 5’6, you’ve already got more problems than most, but add in some thick thighs and essentially no chest and I disconnect. Sorry Rae. I feel like I’m looking at Liverpool’s legs all over again.

Lisa-

She’s wearing Dominique’s black spandex unitard and tights combo, which was a bad idea on the decently bodied Dominique, and a huge faux pas on the 5’5 Lisa. She reminds me of Cycle 3 and 4 plus size reject Mary, to be honest. And unlike other contestants, her problem is what appears to be a substantial upper body. Legs? Not too bad, except for their stumpiness. But overall, being compared to Dominique and plus size reject doesn’t bode too well for Lisa.

Ashley-

I’m most likely to forget about her before the show starts, although that could wind up working in her favor, since I was constantly forgetting Natalie in Cycle 12 and she ended up being one of my absolute favorites. I’m hoping she’s a real pretentious Williamsburg cunt, although her saggy elephant skin jeans would suggest lower east side public school grad. Yeah, I guess her body isn’t bad but I remember her top more than I remember her. Ashley WHO?

Jennifer-

If I had to guess, I’d say that we’re looking at our probable winner in Jennifer. Seriously, Tyra has ALWAYS wanted an Asian and they’re always… lacking. Well, April wasn’t, but that was like 11 cycles ago and I’m almost willing to let it go. She’s got a cute face, but her legs are seriously not what I wanted them to be. Was this the best Asian they could find? Come on, there are zillions of beautiful Asian girls without thunder thighs out there! I’m disappointed in the Asian Picking Brigade.

Lulu-

Everyone loves Lulu because she’s gay. I like Lulu’s skin color. I like that her legs aren’t fat. I hate that her name is Lulu, because every time I type her name, I type ‘Luly’, so that is officially her name from now on. Also, I hate that Luly’s face looks photoshopped onto a different body. Does anyone else notice this? Maybe I’m in for a surprise, and she’ll be like this cycle’s Ambreal, but with actual modeling prowess. She seems fun, so hopefully this will be the case.

Courtney-

ANOTHER Courtney?! Only this one actually spells her name properly! Problem is, this one is the second shortest of a bunch of short ass models. It’s too bad, because she appears to have a decent stomach and great, albeit short, legs. Perhaps she’s a little pedestrian, but let’s be real here… These girls are not going to work when the show concludes, so I can give kudos to pedestrian when they’re all doomed. At least she’s pretty. There. Also, I hope her hair is short and not pulled back.

Sundai-

Okay, until we’re told that her name isn’t pronounced like ‘Sunday’, that’s her name. It’s probably Soon-Die or something like that, but for now, and hell, who am I kidding, probably the rest of the cycle, she shall be Sunday. Sunday’s biggest problem is that she’s 5’3. Now, if this were a typical cycle of ANTM, she should just put on her Adrianne Curry mask and show up because she’d be out on her short ass faster than Allison Harvard at a Bloodlust Addiction meeting. BUT! This is the MIDGET CYCLE (god, I love saying that) and Sunday is seriously cute. I love that long sheet of black hair… And lemme just go there and say AT LEAST SHE’S NOT AS FAT AS FUCKING ANCHAL.

Kara-

Kara reminds me of Allison Janney in the face, and while Allison Janney is adorable and stuff, I don’t really think that a 19 year old should look like her. She’s in the 5’7 club, which is an automatic upgrade, but she’s wearing those stupid folded over ankle boots with some sort of tennis dress, and therefore, I’m pissed at her, because she’s totally stubbying her midget legs! I mean, come on! I am hoping that this is the girl I’m underestimating most, because I could see her working almost any haircut and not sucking much at all throughout the cycle.

Brittany-

Oh dear lord. Another Brittany to add to the repetoire. Did these girls lose their hilariously bad names along with their heights? Brittany has a vague scent of skank residing in her cleavage, but she also has a nice pair of stubby legs that make her appear taller than her 5’5. Also, I love a girl with some bounce in her hair. I think she could actually be much prettier than this shot.

Rachel-

I am not crazy about Rachel’s face, as I feel reminded of this obnoxious bitch with squinty eyes from my New Jersey middle school who always tried to hang out with the ‘cool girls’ and didn’t realize that nobody actually wanted her around. I do, however, really like the stems on this one. She’s also smart… She wore flat, gladiator sandals, but stood on her toes to lengthen her limbs! Actually, she probably could have just worn heels, but at least she didn’t just accept defeat and stand flat footed. She definitely looks longer than her suggested 5’5. Rachel can stay. As long as she doesn’t turn out to be the cousin of that stupid bitch from NJ.

Laura-

I can’t quite pinpoint why, but I am LOVING this one. I love the playful little tip of her right foot… Maybe I’m just hallucinating but doesn’t she appear to be taller than most as well? Her face has that sort of waifish, underfed appeal to it that’s so common in fashion right now, so she would actually have an ounce of relevance if she weren’t so short.

Erin-

The other one that everyone is splooging over, except I actually GET IT here. This girl is seriously hot, and she looks taller than her 5 feet and 6 inches. Perhaps we can thank the toned calves for that, which seems to be the ‘problem area’ for most of the midgets. If anyone is going to be the ‘letdown’ this cycle, it’s Erin, but as of now, I have my eye on her.

Nicole-

Okay, first of all… This one apparently was born with a ‘bloody eyeball’. Hello, do you think she knows Creepychan? I already loved her for being like a midget version of Cintia Dicker, and knowing that ruching over the midsection does wonders for the body. Then I find out that her nickname was (is?) bloody eyeball, and I’m just completely enamored. I hope that her red hair is natural. I hope they let her keep it curly. Oh, she is SO cute. It’s probably no coincidence that she is one of the tallest girls there. Hahaha.

So, if I had to make some extremely early predictions, here’s what I’d go on

Winner- Jennifer

Runner-Up- Erin

3rd- Rachel/Kara

4th- Nicole

5th- Rachel/Kara

6th- Luly

7th- Brittany

8th- Sunday

9th- Bianca

10th- Laura (Hopefully I’m wrong)

11th- Rae

12th- Ashley

13th- Lisa

14th- Courtney (I like her, but if there’s a shoot requiring edge, she’s fucked)

So, totally off base? HERE’S HOPING! How boring would it be to know the winner from day 1 AGAIN?!

COMMENTS? PLEASE LEAVE THEM! Can’t wait to start recapping again!

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