(Told you she had huge eyes!)

So, the photos have been released on the CW’s website, which basically makes them fair game for me to rank. They’ll be posted in order of preference, with witty commentary by me. Also, I’ll post the makeovers directly following the pictures from the photoshoot. The brief was decidedly ambiguous- They had to modernize a baby picture of themselves. Sweet. It’s worth noting that Jennifer, the token Asian, got third call out. Why is this note worthy? Cycle 11 and 12 winners McKey and Teyona were called third at the first photoshoot. Just sayin’

All bias aside, the best photo of the week belongs to-

NICOLE! HELLO GORGEOUS! Seriously, look at that pose. She’s all broken down like a rag doll… I love the placement of her hands… I agree with Tyra (don’t expect me to ever say that again)– if she’d done a LITTLE more with her face, the picture would have been even better, but it’s still seriously hot. Work it, by redheaded muse. You are divine.

Next, the bitch that got the FCO, and honestly, I’m okay with it-

Rae-

First of all, look at her shoes. She’s wearing EIGHT INCH HEELS. I think Rae is like 5’5, which puts her at a staggering 6’1, which uh, is a bit overkill, no? Also, Rae looks exactly like Anya in closeup, and Anya is the best contestant ever, so this is a good thing. I’d even go so far as to say that Rae rocks the no eyebrow thing, which is NOT easy. Just ask the Givenchy girls. Seriously, Adriana Lima can’t pull off being eyebrowless. I love how ethereal this picture is. I do not love that Chanel Iman was like ‘Girl. Awesome. Girl. Wow. Girl.’

Laura-

I think the face absolutely rocks in this picture. In her baby photo, she was hugging her sister and she had her eyes squeezed shut. To modernize it, she’s carrying the baby doll like a purse, but her face is so soft and motherly and sweet… I LOVE it. Ties the whole thing together. Not nearly as editorial as the two above her, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s conveying an emotion, and it works.

Rachel-

You can tell that homegirl is itty bitty in this picture. It’s sort of endearing… She’s rocking the busted up pose and she’s looking elegant, and then… she’s little. It’s so quirky… Almost like something I could see from supermodel Siri Tollerod. My ANTM forum friends are going to hate me for associating Siri with shorties, but suck it, I do what I want =D

Courtney-

Okay, so I’m not nuts about her big man arm either, but her FAAAACE! Hello lovely! It’s nice to see you! I might be giving Courtney too much credit for a dress here, but daaayum, that thing looks amazing on her! It’s so gorgeously draped over her body… I love it.

Kara-

First of all, Nigel Barker can die in a fire. Ahhh, it feels nice to say that. It’s odd to be jumping to the defense of a contestant who did nothing other than talk about organic sheep, but you know what? I like Kara. I love that her face is bizarre. And damn, she has one stunning profile! Nigel is all OH BOO HOO, YOU CAN’T DO STRAIGHT ON… Well Nigel, guess what, buttface? You can’t do ANYTHING without six inches of pancake makeup.

Hi, Im Nigel. I suck at life.

Hi, I'm Nigel. I suck at life.

So yes, I like this shot. Like I said, she’s Lisa D’Amato without the need for Intervention.

Luly-

So, at first, I had Luly down a few spots. I really dislike her… First her head looked photoshopped on and then I saw her stank ass tattoo, and I was just like Giiirl, why ya gotta be the token lesbian? But you know what? This shot is sort of cute, in a boring, pedophile wank material sort of way. She doesn’t look stubby, which is cool, and she’s wearing the sort of odd wardrobe pretty well, actually. I think her eyes look a little beady, but I’m going to blame Tyra and her need for weave over that.

Erin-

This picture is sort of boring, and Erin didn’t really do anything except sit there and look like an albino in a ruffly shirt, but at least it’s interesting to look at. The rest of the shots, from here on out, will warrant some sort of nasty, bitch commentary from me for being either A) ugly or B) hilarious. Or both. I love both.

Brittany-

This is the shoot that was pornographic about 2/3 of the time. Take one look at the prop in Brittany’s right hand and figure out why. Okay, so I said that Erin’s picture was the last one that wasn’t ugly or hilarious. I lied. This one isn’t ugly or hilarious, but it’s boring. I would have liked to see one where she was fellating the pixy stick, personally. Or, even better! I wish she had dumped the powder all over her nose, like crack and was staring, all strung out, at the camera. That’d be modern! Kate Moss would LOVE IT. AWWW SHAAAAAZAAAM.

Lisa-

The legs are downright gaw-juss, but the expression really holds this picture back. It’s not even CLOSE to worst of the week though, although I don’t consider Lisa’s elimination to be a big loss. Maybe I’m just too obssessed with legit editorial, but when I think clown, I think chance to be fun and carefree, not pissed off. Must say though… Her baby picture was just too cute for words.

Jennifer-

Um, ew? Are people seriously blowing their load over this one? UM, EW?! Seriously, she looks like she’s got perpetual open mouth syndrome and can’t take a deep breath. Also, I don’t care how nice your damn jawline is… I see too much of it. Her left hand looks stupid. Seriously, being Asian is not synonymous with awesome. And don’t even get me going on her lazy eye.

Ashley-

Longshot? Super nice. She doesn’t look stumpy, although she may want to check her thighs out in the mirrah a bit. CLOSEUP? WHAT THE FUCK, CHILD?! YOUR EYES ARE OPEN! AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING?! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!! I DONT SLEEP WITH MY EYES OPEN. DOES ANYONE ELSE? WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!

Biyanka- (Yeah, you know what? That’s her name)

GURL, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? YOU ARE *NOT* MARJORIE. NUH UH. HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME WAS OWNED AND RETIRED IN CYCLE 11 BY THE GODDESS OF AWESOME, MISS. MARJORIE CONRAD. Also, doesn’t she look less like Nnenner and a bit more like Ebony Haith and a big scary man’s offspring? For serious, this is just not working for me. BACK TO THE HUNCHBACK FAIL… YOU ARE NOT TALL ENOUGH TO HUNCH. YOU ARE LITERALLY COMPRESSING YOURSELF. UGH, I AM SO PISSED AT THIS PICTURE.

Sundae-

Ugh, you don’t understand how badly I want to love this little peanut. She is so cute, and in the close up, I am briefly reminded of Fatima. This is very good news for our little scoop of ice cream. UNFORTUNATELY, this whole thing screams bad MySpace photo. Her hands are like these really unfortunate, lifeless mitts and the lips are just way too ‘I’m sexy, I am!’. Doesn’t work. Another good thing– She doesn’t look 5’3 in this picture. Really, I have no complaints about her pint-sizedness.

Okay, so unless you’re stupid, you see what my call out scores are thus far. We move on to a quick recap of the makeovers, in alphabetical order, since none of them were particularly disgusting.

Ashley-

Upgrade. Everyone, especially Tyra, loves a Naomi weave.

Biyanka-

Downgrade. Her eyebrows looked fine before. I don’t care if Givenchy is doing it… At 5’whateversheis, she’s not going to be in Givenchy.

Brittany-

Upgrade. The brown makes her infinitely more interesting, and apparently sluttier.

Courtney-

Neither upgrade nor downgrade. She looked fine before, but this new thing is pretty cute, in a Kim Stoltz lesbian way!

Erin-

Massive downgrade. This is one of two makeovers that just doesn’t work for me. Sure, she’s a little ordinary in the before shot, but at least she looks like she has pigment. Also, sorry Erin, but Givenchy is not in your future. Your eyebrows miss you.

Jennifer-

Don’t care. Can’t stand her.

Kara-

Upgrade, I guess. It’s certainly bigger, and it doesn’t look WORSE. Does she remind anyone else of Kimmy from Full House? Hot damn, I just noticed it and it won’t go away now.

Laura-

Teeheehee, she is SO cute. I’d say it’s neither an upgrade or a downgrade… It’s just bigger.

Lisa-

Hot damn, these makeovers are boring. I’ll say upgrade simply because she looks a bit more polished in the after shot, although that rope-kini (what the hell is up with those things anyway?) is struggling to contain her rack.

Luly-

Upgrade, by default. No photoshopped head for Luly anymore. See what I mean about Brandy, though? You totally see it, right? Also, look at her nasty tattoo in the before picture. Anyway, I like her makeover, though I don’t know if I get the orgasm over her eyes. She and Jennifer could be lazy buddies, if you catch my drift, if I’m being honest.

Nicole-

Everything she does is perfect, go die if you disagree. But seriously, UPGRADE. REDDER AND FLUFFIER?! WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?!

Rachel-

Loooooooooooove! Seriously, I just think the darker brown is LUSH on this one. And I am totally crazy about her lemur eyes.

Rae-

Shockingingly enough, upgrade! She really works the no eyebrows look! And maybe, with some 8 inch heels, she can do Givenchy! I think the candy floss blonde really works on her.

Sundae-

Sadly, a downgrade. This wasn’t her week, unfortunately. I’m basically just seeing uber ghetto, and I thought her weave, despite being ratty, looked cute on her. The Rihanna look doesn’t work on someone so damn little.

Uh, so before you leave me, I decided to bring up some things I totally forgot to mention last night-

-Tyra’s ‘Rules To Owning Your Inner Fierceness’ appear to be on hiatus. Thank god for that.

-All the girls were wearing flats at panel last night. Now, in a normal cycle, this is grounds for elimination. But, I s’pose they’re meant to be owning their inner shortness. Even more hilariously, Tyra’s little perch at panel seemed even higher than usual, so when the hamsters received their photos, they were like a foot below her. Guys, Tyra isn’t giving you a chance to model. She’s mocking you.

-The panel is out on Nicole. Some people think she’s ridiculous and needs some uppers… Some people love her. Unfortunately, I think the emo population of America will identify with her, which sucks, because she’s not RELATABLE… she’s just awesome. I read something awesome about her on TWOP today– She’s essentially America’s shorter answer to Australia’s Next Top Model Cycle 3 Winner Alice Burdeu, who has achieved actual success after her win. People are constantly bringing up Alice– wondering if she would have won on ANTM because she had little to no personality. Will we see the same thing happen to Nicole, who is almost ridiculously high fashion compared to the rest of the girls and plausible in the modeling world at 5’7? Time will tell.

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