Before I get ahead of myself, let’s just say that I consider the loss of Amber to be a major one. Homegirl was even more over the top than Tyra. Perhaps that was the problem. See, folks, this premiere episode of ANTM was… relatively normal.

I KNO, RITE?! (Thank you, as always, to Rich for being so damn fucking amazing)

So, for those of you who didn’t get a chance to meet Amber-

The quality of the screenshot sucks, but it tells you all you need to know… She’s wearing a hat that resembles Big Edie Beale and she was modeling for Jesus. She rapped and danced with the homeless on Friday nights. She. was. insane. And we can’t even blame Tyra for not being blessed with more Amber (well, maybe we can, but the jury isn’t out yet) because I suspect she failed the psych screening they give each girl before thrusting them into a house without much sleep. More on Amber later… Right now, let me just take this time to say WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BAAAAAAAAACK. It feels like absolutely no time has passed since the Reptilian Queen was crowned America’s Next Top Unemployed Bitch. I mean, the promo shots came out and I was like ‘Shit, midgets? Already?’

So, I’ve decided to retire the not so flattering term ‘midget’. Wait, WHAT?! AM I GOING SOFT?! No, but the thing is, these girls are actually pretty. There are no Tahlias in site… Every single one of these girls is at least plausible as a model, save for their shortness. So, they’re all at an equal disadvantage, since A) They’re on ANTM and B) they’re all short. So, we’ll move on from their vertical challenges and address their other issues every week. In grave detail.

I’ve decided to condense the recap style a tiny bit this cycle just because I was staying up until 3:30 am painstakingly recapping each detail, and most of it didn’t work out of context anyway. Don’t worry, you won’t miss much.

Now, since I can barely contain my love for her, let’s get to Nicole:

nicole fox

I’m pretty confident that despite her generally stoned demeanor (hey, I know what junkies act like, okay?!?) and the fact that she uh, carries a rusty wheelbarrow to school, she is going to remain the absolute star of this competition in my heart.  Seriously, she’s like a combination of Cintia Dicker and Alice Burdeu, she’s a natural redhead, and she wears a necklace with an eyeball charm on it, to remind her of her bloody eyeball. I mentioned this in my pre-show thoughts– Is anyone else reminded of Creepychan? Or Marjorie? Or Lauren? Perhaps Autistic Heather? Seriously, the weirdos are always amazing! These girls better watch the fuck out. And really, she’s about 500000x more beautiful than this picture reflects. When the weird-pedophile-esque-but-still-kinda-awesome photos from the episode come out tomorrow, you’ll see. I have never been so right about the awesomeness of a contestant.

OH AND GUESS WHAT?! SHE’S 5’7. HUZZZZZZZZZZZZAH. Tallest one in the bunch, mmmmhmmm!

My Nicolgasm is almost over, I swear. It’s very important to note that the picture of heterosexuality, Miss. J Alexander himself, said that she was both expensive (EXPINSIVE! stolen from Petra Starke, the hottest Austrayan on the planet:)

and EXQURZHIT. That’s his made up cum gobbling word for exquisite. It is ALWAYS a compliment. Nicole got a big, fluffy lions mane of fiery red hair for her makeover. Delicious.

Moving on, let’s talk about the overrated annoyance of the cycle. She is the pesky fly on the CW screen. I don’t think she uttered one inteligible word the entire time she spoke.

YEAH, AND TAKE YOUR LAZY EYE WITH YOU, YOU ANNOYING ASIAN. She makes me long for Gina, because at least Gina was funny. And where there was Gina, there was Jade. She got her split ends cut off. Yawn.

Like I said, I’m not going to go through the entire two hours, because frankly, there really wasn’t enough entertaining stuff to keep either of us awake. After hearing the 409585th quote about how Tyra is so generous to give short girls a chance to model, you’ll want to castrate a cow. SPEAKING OF WHICH, HERE’S LAURA!

Sorry, I can’t find a picture of her that isn’t the promo shot that everyone’s seen of her, so I figured a cow was a good bet. Laura, is quite adorable. She castrates cows for a living, and when she described ‘cutting their sack’, I wasn’t repulsed. On the contrary– I find pretty much everything she does to be cute. She can stay. At least for now. Laura got what Tyra called some ‘highlightnessness’ which is uh, a fancy word for highlights?

Allison ‘Creepychan’ Harvard, a lemur-type thing and Rachel all have something in common. If you don’t guess right away, you’re a retard. Rachel got dark brown hair for a makeover, and it looked great. Ugh, WHAT THE FUCK. Now is the perfect time to say WHERE IS THE DENNIS RODMAN SCALP, TYRA?! WHERE ARE THE CHOCOLATE RAMEN WEAVES?! it’s almost like she sat down and decided ‘Hey, we won’t make this cycle a joke because people are expecting it to suck’. With the economy being so bad, I’m going to be out of a job if this shit doesn’t get absurd quickly.

If, for some reason, you missed Cycle 6’s Nnenna, fear not! She returns in condensed form!

That shot pretty much sums up Bianca in a nutshell- Major stankosity. She’s a Harvard girl who shaved her head after an abusive relationship but shiiiit- Homegirl complained about EVERYTHING– First, she didn’t like having her eyebrows bleached (that was her entire makeover). Fair enough. I mean, we know what Tyra can do with bleach. Then, she didn’t like the makeup she had to wear in her picture. Child, this is the THIRTEENTH CYCLE. You should know by now that complaining= kiss. of. death. Anyway, the most important thing about Bianca is that she makes me miss Twiggy… Remember how she called the original Bianca ‘Biyanka’? Oh Twiglegs. I hope you’re well.

Next, we have Luly, who will be indeed continue to be called Luly because I typed that every single time I wrote her name down while I took notes.

Luly, who was previously compared to Chanel Iman (who coincidentally, was the guest judge and she seemed like a mega-bitch), looks more like Brandy, especially after her makeover, which consisted of major weavage and bangs-

notchanel

yesbrandy

When the makeover pictures are released, it’ll be easier to see what I mean.

There is literally nothing to say about Ashley except that she reminds me of a softer Coryn-

And that she was spotted in the audience of The Tyra Banks show by Tyra’s hairdresser Oscar. In totally related news, Ashley looked like Tyra in her photo. Leave it to Tyra to spot a girl at her own show that resembles her. Fucking kill me now. Also, Ashley got the ever popular Naomi Campbell weave that we most recently saw on Aminat but probably remember best on Tiffany. We can only hope that Tyra freaks out on Ashley like she did nine long ass cycles ago.

Lastly-

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is a ball of energy, and at 5’3, by far the shortest mid- erm, contestant, it’s a good thing too. Because she doesn’t have much else going for her. She had a rough life… Abusive mom, foster care, the whole she-bang, but damn, her energy was infectious. She will be referred to as Sundae, not Sunday, because she is just so sweet. Her ‘weave that looks like 10 of Tyra’s old weaves’ (You think I’m making this shit up? I don’t do nearly enough drugs for that) was discarded in place of a Rihanna style crop.

And honestly? The rest of the girls are pretty damn boring and didn’t do enough to warrant photo comparisons. I’ll just give you the lowdown on them uh… quickly-

Rae- She’s stunning. I was wrong about her– She’s beautiful and her makeover (described below) is great. She was abducted and raped, and she has a 20 month old baby. So, she’s pretty much the sob story of the cycle, but unlike ewtahlia, she’s actually photogenic. She got the pissed on blonde looked, complete with invisible eyebrows and…. she works it. It takes one hell of a hamster to rock invisible eyebrows.

Kara- I… love her. Most people, including my boyfriend, are going to be like WTF IS UP WITH HER FACE?! but I absolutely dig the weirdness of her bone structure. I see Lisa D’Amato, without the alcoholism. And although I predicted stank bitch, I may have spoken too soon. She gets some beachy highlights that lighten her up a bit.

Brittany- She’s a math nerd and knows all the planes of her face. Yeah, that’s not weird or anything. She’s extremely boring and her photoshoot was hilariously porn like. WARNING BRITTANY– BRITTANYS THAT ACT LIKE PORNSTARS WILL BE TOLD TO CHANNEL THEIR ENERGY AND THEN WILL BE ELIMINATED FOR HAVING NO PERSONALITY. DON’T SAY I DIDN’T TRY AND FILL YOU IN, HOMEGIRL. Also, her candy floss blonde is replaced with dark brown. It’s sexy.

Erin- She sounds like Nicole Linkletter, and is completely boring. She gets pissed on blonde and looks albino.

Courtney- She’s actually pretty adorable. Her notable contributions to the cycle were A) saying that Nicole acted dumb but wasn’t: minus 3 for you, stubby and B) walking down the runway with crutches: plus 2 for actually getting PRAISED FOR IT. Also, her makeover was fierce… She got a spiky, Kim Stolz-ish red crop. Major improvement.

Lisa- Honestly, this poor girl. They showed her strong, threaded brow line for like 2 seconds, then didn’t cast her, then brought her back to replace Amber, and then eliminated her. Why don’t you just stick a dunce cap on her while you’re at it? I don’t consider her elimination to be much of a loss though, to be honest. She got her split ends chopped off as a makeover, so clearly Tyra didn’t care much either.

And now, for something completely different-

Each girl has a different reaction upon finding out that they’re going to be a part of the top 14. I expect that the noises they make while orgasming are pretty similar. So, feast your eyes on this handy dandy list I made, and next time you look at these girls, you know what they cum like-

Jennifer- OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Erin- FUCK YES! (I kid you not… It was by far her best moment all episode)

Rachel- Oh my god, that’s my name! That is SO me!

Kara- OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD OKAYYYYYYYYY YESSSS

Luly- YAYAYAYAYYA (Also, did I mention that she has her girlfriend’s name tattooed on her chest? Fucking weak, dude)

Rae- OH MY GOD!

Ashley- OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWSH! I think I’m going to pass out!

Bianca- *Tribal dance*

Courtney- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Nicole- *Blank stare* Wait, what? Me? Oh my god. (All monotone. Seriously, she is such a drug addict. I love her)

Amber- THANK YOU JESUS CHRIST. THANK YOU JESUS. I LOVE YOU. I WOULD LOVE HIM EVEN IF HE DIDN’T CALL MY NAME. I NEED TO SAVE THE WORLD (She’s ambitious, amirite?)

Laura- *wordless uninteligble yelp*

Sundae- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (Give her a break, she’s only 18!)

Tyra, of course, being Tyra, said that their reactions made her cry because they were going to be pioneers. Wait, what? Short girls have never been unemployed before? Also, Tyra used to make it to all 420495 of her scheduled go-sees while using horse and buggy travel. Suck on that, would-be models.

Because the casting episode wouldn’t be the casting episode without them, we need to do a tribute to the girls that didn’t make it-

Amanda- She lives in a pop-up trailer in New Orleans and she has to go to a gas station to take a shit. She walked like a linebacker.

Raven- Also known as Marvita Jr and That’s So Raven came into her audition doing back-flips. Whatever bitch, this isn’t the Olympics.

Simone- She wore huge ass sunglasses with the lenses popped out, and was way too reminiscent of Cycle 8’s Jael for comfort.

Ciara- A blonde wench with cat eyes that honestly, probably should have made it.

Allison- Some bizarre robot chick that ‘taught modeling’ and was brutally made fun of by the Jays for her odd style of walking.

Hmmm, thanks for playing shorties! Until next time!

Jennifer told the audience that this is the biggest high she’s ever felt in her life. She’s clearly never been high before.

And lastly, what would this recap be without at least a brief ode to Tyra’s psychosis?!

Tyra-

-Looks like she didn’t eat ribs all summer. Seriously, bitch was hot. She was sporting some darker shade of hair that’s completely plausible on a woman of her color

-Spoke in a stupid, corny French accent during the casting episode. Oy vey.

-Actually chose the best photo of the week as digital art for the house. Go Rae!

-Seemed less cunty than Chanel Iman, who acted like she was Coco Fucking Rocha, despite being a pretty sub-par model, in the scheme of things. And when Tyra seems less cunty than you, you probably suck. BYE CHANEL. I WON’T MISS YOU.

-Invented a photoshoot theme that didn’t suck! Seriously, modernizing baby photos is actually editorially plausible. IM NOT BEING SARCASTIC.

-Acted like the reject shorties could get work doing ‘face modeling’… Also known as beauty.

-Tried to convince the audience that the reason the winner gets representation with Wilhelmina Models, not Elite is because Wilhelmina is so welcoming, when really, it’s because Elite hates being associated with ANTM.

Last, but not certainly not least, I think that Amber deserves a little bit more of our time, since we, unfortunately, shall see no more from her. When the topic of virginity came up, Amber raised her hand and said she was because she hadn’t had sex in 2 years. Um. Then she told the rest of the girls that the burning desire they felt should be saved for Jesus, not another man. UM.

She flounced into her audition and when questioned about what the fuck was up with her walk, she answered ‘That was my catwalk. MEOW’. UM.

After hearing the instructions of ‘You have 5 minutes to put makeup on!’ she said she was already perfect and sat down on a chair, ready to go. UM.

Like I said, I consider her absence to be a major, major, MAJOR loss.

To Amber!

Until I have a GIF of Nicole saying ‘bloody eyeball’, this one will have to do:

My exasperation is at an all time low… But fear not, my dears! There is plenty of time for me to want to punch small children out of anger. Please stay tuned for next week’s recap!

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