Congrats on getting the title GIF yet again, my big eyed friend.

NO CHARISMA, MY ASS. Seriously, eliminating Rachel outside of panel because she CAN’T SING A MUSICAL THEATER TUNE ON THE SPOT has to be one of the worst eliminations in the history of this shitshow. And trust me, there are plenty of ’em. But this just takes the cake. First of all, she didn’t say she was Idina Menzel. She just said she does musical theater. MAYBE SHE’S IN THE CHORUS. MAYBE SHE DOES STAGE CREW. Either way, it’s ridiculous for a MODELING agent to ask a girl to sing a song and expect them to just open their mouth and be Susan Boyle.

Now, about the title of this entry? Right in the middle of the photoshoot, we have a damn fire drill. How do I know it’s a drill? Because I saw another dorm getting the spiel about an hour prior. DOES THIS SCHOOL KNOW NOTHING?!?! IT’S WEDNESDAY NIGHT, FOLKS. DO A FIRE DRILL ANOTHER NIGHT. Because of this, I missed the beginning of panel and therefore, you will be subjected to my made-up details.

Tyra: Hello short asses! You’re all looking so fierce in your flats today! But not as fierce as me! Several people have mentioned how svelte I am looking… You know about our prizes… You will receive a contract with Wilhelmina Models, the agency responsible for inexplicably kicking Rachel out earlier… A cover and 6 page spread in the quintessential fashion rag, Seventeen… and a 100,000 contract with Covergirl, which sounds legit but involves one picture that is shown nowhere! Work it out! And of course, you know the judges… The noted and pervy master of pancake makeup himself, Mr. Nigel Barker. Luly, you became acquainted with Nigel’s massive ego, which compensates for his lack of genitalia, earlier in the episode when you were asked who your favorite photographer was and you DIDN’T say his hiney-ness. There’s Miss. J, who is on payroll and nobody is sure why… and our special guest judge this week knows about as much about fashion as a piece of plastic, which coincidentally, she herself resembles… Please welcome, Miss. Junior Famous for Doing Nothing… Lauren ‘LC’ Conrad!

My contributions to society include talking like a moron and crabs!

My contributions to society include talking like a moron and crabs!

LC- Uh, heyy. Modeling? Fierce. Hay gurl?

Tyra- Perfect. You fit right in.

That’s accurate, right?

We’ll start with the inoffensive and work our way up to the unbearable parts of the episode… As with last week’s recap, I won’t go through every single tiny detail because I read some of my recaps from last cycle, and they were way too bloated.

First things first… Let’s address the ‘new’ theme song. It’s actually the same theme ‘You wanna be on top’ and then excessive dirty pillows from Tyra, but there’s some added text about Tyra being a pioneer and then everyone’s height is listed along with their name. It’s… fine, I guess. If not a little lazy.

Okay… now that we’ve gotten that out of the way… It’s time to make fun of Jennifer and her kooky eye. Much of her screen time was spent explaining that she has some condition that stretches the muscle in her eye, causing the wonky effect.

Gah, get Jennifer away from me!

Gah, get Jennifer away from me!

Jennifer’s two contributions to ANTM are 1) her Asianness and 2) her lazy eye. Seriously, she’s not even interesting when she’s being stanky. At some point in the episode, Biyanka put some dirty dishes into a clean load of dishes… Rather than a lot of GIRL, YOU STANK HO WHATCHU DOIN THAT IS DIRTY, Jennifer just started ‘pfft’ing and rolling her eyes. At the fight’s climax, she retorted ‘I don’t have a problem with the dishes… I have a problem with YOU’. Ooh, damn Idi Amin. Thems fighting words. Like, really? Isn’t this cycle 13? You gotta do better than that. Now, don’t get me wrong… Biyanka is seriously stank… I called her suckage from day 1 (look back a few posts!), but at least she was all ‘Jennifer is all mad about the dishes… SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM’. Indeed, just like your apparent gum disease, ‘Yanka:

Oooh jaysus.

I mean, don’t get me wrong… Biyanka is all kinds of stank, but at least she knows that fighting on ANTM is more than just blowing raspberries. Which leads me back to my original glee over Jennifer’s wonky eye being brought up both at the Wilhelmina agency– In fact, that buttplug dude even said that she couldn’t ‘work and squint all the time’, hahahaha and also at panel– Tyra, of course, was all ‘Just ask the makeup artists to hide it’… And then poof, goodbye story line! Gawd Tyra, didn’t Tahlia’s incessant whining teach you anything?!

I can’t wait to get a screenshot of this, and there’s no other place to mention it, but after Rachel’s elimination at Wilhelmina, Erin and Rae were leaning against each other and they looked like some bizarre two headed albino thing. Two heads, zero eyebrows. FIERCE.

The photoshoot- The girls had to pose nude next to/on top of a horse while ‘smizing’ (more about that later). They all were adorned in epic, huge extensions that covered their girly bits (or in Biyanka’s case, her schlong)… Laura, who is easily the most watchable person in the house, said that she ‘just loved nudity’ while gyrating all over a horse. GIRL, WORK. But ultimately, the quote of the episode relating to the photoshoot came from Miss. J about Biyanka’s photo– ‘Biyanka looks less feminine than Isis did in Cycle 11’.

For those of you who aren’t well versed in Cycle 11… Isis was a pre-op transgender. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

OH, EXCUSE ME. I’M STILL PISSING MY PANTS AT THIS.

But in all seriousness, they clearly put a stick up Biyanka’s ass before this photoshoot and then stuck a long, tranny, blonde wig on her royal baldness. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU, TY TY?! BLONDE AND COCOA DO NOT MIX. It really was a shitshow. When the pictures come out tomorrow, I will have great fun ragging on it. It’s a horrible picture.

Okay, its not THAT bad... but I didnt know what else to put.

Okay, it's not THAT bad... but I didn't know what else to put.

So, was her royal stankosity eliminated? PUH-LEEZE. House bitch doesn’t bite the dust this early! Instead, Biyanka survived her second consecutive bottom 2 (a feat managed by a handful of people, but the only person to get bottom 2 in the first two panels and survive is CNTM 2’s Steff) and Courtney, the cheerleader with the busted foot, was booted for ‘giving up’? Legit? I’ll give you my take…

Basically, Courtney was pissed because she had to wear the stupid constrictive boot thingie on her foot while doing the photoshoot. She felt limited in her ability to pose, and essentially gave up. Previous cycles would show that giving up= massive no-no. Moral of this story? Don’t be a cheerleader, and then you won’t bust your foot while tumbling. Even smarter, perhaps? Don’t go on this show and give up on things that are more important.

Moving our way up the totem pole on our trip towards grotesque… Let’s pause briefly at the odd, cancer chic motif that keeps occuring during the confessionals. Fourfour’s Rich brought it up in his recap of last week, but it’s very much alive and well… Why? Is this some sort of bizarre fashion trend among short people? I myself am 5’5 and don’t even own a bandana. I must be missing out on a major thing here. Observe-

Shit, Rae. When I first saw that picture, I actually felt kind of bad for her until I realized that SHE DOESN’T HAVE CANCER. WHAT THE FUCK.

Now, we’ve reached a part of the recap that makes me extraordinarily happy… It’s called ‘Let’s rag on Nigel Barker’

Nigel met the girls at Wilhelmina for their impromptu go-see that led to the downfall of Rachel… Any extra Nigel time is bittersweet, as it provides me with the opportunity to rag on him, but at the same time… I’m forced to look at his douchey face. His most notable moment of douche was mentioned earlier in my makeshift introduction of the judges… Yes, our dear Nigel was offended when Luly didn’t cite him as her favorite fashion photographer (for the record, she didn’t name ANYONE… She was just like ‘Duhhh’)… Yes Nigel, your career is just SO illustrious. Your last job? Teaching some ANTM how to hold glow in the dark dildos.

You could tell that Nigel was hard when he got to do the Tyra-esque ‘The girl who is eliminated must bag their bags and go home’ line when the elimination was announced. He’s been sitting next to Tyra for like, 9 or 10 cycles now? And he’s just now getting to say that? I bet the room smelled horrible… He was probably sweating and farting up a storm, all worried he’d mess up his big moment. Back behind the desk, Nigel.

By the way guys… Did you know that Tyra went to six agencies in LA before she was signed? AND SHE’S 5’10. YOU AREN’T.

And now, we’ve reached the top of the mountain… the essential moment of tonight’s episode… The smize.

Remember last week how I said the show seemed far more legit and less ridiculous? I take it all back. ANTM reached a new low this week with Super Smize.

The girls were greeted by a weird, short little fellow who started barking at them to get in front of his camera and get a good picture in one take. Laura yet again steals the show by saying that ‘this petite man is SO rude!’ Then, Tyra, barely recognizable (naht) in thick glasses and a trenchcoat, bumbles in and tries to satisfy this man’s impossible task. After barking at Nottyra for sucking, he mocks her and the ‘itty bitty models’ behind him, referencing Munchkinland.

What ensues is best described as mix between Cycle 4’s infamous WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HOW DARE YOU STOP IT TIFFANY I HAVE NEVER YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE and Hurricane Katrina. Tyra busts out of the coat and the glasses and is adorned in a glittery cape… She stomps her feet and the entire screen shakes. She starts talking about the power of super smize, and the little petite man cowers and runs away. Presumably to go kill himself.

Smizing is Tyra’s new term for ‘smiling with your eyes’. Luly is all orgasmic over the things Tyra can do with her eyes. Tyra tells them to think about something delicious to envoke smizing. Tyra, of course, thinks of ribs. And not the new fat free kind.

Highlights include Jennifer ‘Forest Whitaker’ McLazyEye not even being able to open her eyes properly, let alone be able to smize. Sundae says she’s thinking about noodles, and it becomes clear that she means 15 cent Ramen as soon as Tyra asks her what flavor and she says ‘Beef!’. If anyone else was trying to smize to beef noodles, I’d be grossed out, but Sundae is so damn cute that I let it slide. Courtney is thinking of pepperoni pizza, and makes a pointed, unimpressed face at Tyra when Tyra is all ‘Girl, you can’t smize’.

In a bizarre turn of events, the girls are suddenly outfitted in bodysuits that cover their whole body except their eyes and they have a ‘smize off’ that results in Courtney ousting Erin, Luly beating Rae, Laura beating Sundae, Kara beating Bloody Eyeball, Brittany beating Ashley and Biyanka beating Idi Amin. The winners get to nosh with Wilhelmina Douche and the losers have to wash dishes.

In case you were wondering, Kara, Ashley, Brittany and Nicole literally do nothing in this episode.

OH… AND OF COURSE… I CAN’T BELIEVE I ALMOST FORGOT TO MENTION THIS… Upon ‘reaching the decision’, Tyra pretty much crawled onto Nigel’s erection and started smizing. Homeboy PULLS OUT A DIGITAL CAMERA and starts snapping pictures of Tyra smizing her cooter off all over him. It was so uncomfortable for me… I felt like I was watching two people who’d had sex like three years ago and STILL don’t really know how to act around each other. IT WAS SO AWFUL.

And honestly… that was about it. It was seriously bland. A huge letdown after a promising premiere. I honestly feel like this is my worst blog ever, but I think I did okay when you consider the boring material I was given. Granted, the whole smize thing made me want to assassinate a bunch of people, but the rest of the episode was just made of yawn.

The upside? Most of the photos from the horse shoot, like I said, weren’t bad. The judging, of course, was hilariously inconsistent. I’ll touch upon that tomorrow when I rank the photos. Yes, this is my shameless attempt to make everyone check back tomorrow. DEAL WITH IT. 🙂

Thanks for reading, lovely fans! Hopefully the next episode is less retarded.

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