Rich is your God. Fourfour.com

Rich is your God. Fourfour.com

I didn’t know how else to start this episode, so I figured I’d pay tribute to the chick with the best photo of last week, and the cutest accent since Anya. Which leads me to my first feature of this week’s recap… Is anyone else seeing any similarities between this cycle and cycle 10? I’ll give you a hint… it has nothing to do with plus-sizedness and more to do with major, major stankosity.

Seriously, I’m going to be so bold as to say that each one of the remaining Cycle 13 contestants have something in common with at least one Cycle 10 contestant.

Laura—-> Anya, in that they both have wonderful, adorable accents. Not so much the overachiever that Anya was (didn’t Anya have like 16 first call outs by the third panel?) but the accent thing is enough

Nicole—-> Lauren, in that they both always seemed stoned. Not nearly as obnoxious as Lauren with her ‘I’m so punk rock’, though the ‘I brought a wheelbarrow to school’ thing was retarded.

Biyanka—-> Dominique, in a big way. All the other bitches are picking on her, even though she’s just annoying but generally harmless. I’d say that ‘SOME OF THESE DISHES AREN’T CLEEEEEAAANNNN’ is the new ‘I wanna be like freakin Mother Theresa, but in a diva kind of way’. So far, anyway.

Sundae—> Stacy Ann, in that they both had infectious auditions and are both bubbling balls of energy. DOOO DOOOO DOOOO DOOO DOOO.

Kara—> Also Dominique, although I think Kara is hot.

Luly and Ashley—> They possess the stankosity of both Fatima and Racist Allison, although neither of them made below the belt shots about clitorises, junk in the trunk, or eating disorders.

Rae and Erin—–> Albinoness of Anya, lack of screentime like Katarzyna.

And maybe I’m being harsh here but Jennifer —-> Whitney, in that they are both reeking of token winnings here. And also, Jennifer goes PFFFTTAHH when she’s in an argument. Whitney was more stank, but just as annoying.

Now, you may be asking when Luly and Ashley turned into stank bitches. Last we’d heard, Biyanka was the worst contestant of all time and needed to peace out like… two weeks ago. But somewhere between panel and the shorty funhouse, Luly turned into a bitcher and backstabber. That is SO real.

What would Brandy say, Luly?

What would Brandy say, Luly?

So, what I gather is this… The hamsters all get home from panel, ooh and ahh over Erin’s photo, Biyanka expresses insecurity over her two consecutive bottom 2s, and editing cuts to Luly and Ashley talking shit about how much Biyanka sucks. They hate her. She’s a bitch. Her attitude sucks. Bloody Eyeball is unimpressed by this, for as you know, she was picked on in high school for her quaaludes-esque demeanor and thinks you should get to know someone before you hate them. In general, I agree with her, but some people suck and you can tell that just by looking at them. It is nice, however, to see one of the girls that I like taking the high road and not stanking it up with the rest of the crowd. Just sayin’.

Now seems like a good time to tell you that Erin’s albino-brows are totally gray and that Rae continues to win in the game of albino hotness. Also, prior to this episode, I’m pretty sure Erin never gave a single confessional. I feel like Erin’s elimination reason will be ‘you don’t stand out’.

Back to the Luly and Ashley Duo of Stankosity… Every time the setting switched, one of them was talking shit about Biyanka or Brittany, who apparently became the target of Stanky and Stankier for having piercing eyes. Bloody Eyeball said that Luly was Ashley’s sidekick, but I felt like she was the nastier of the two. She belonged in a Dr. Seuss book, ya know?

‘I will be stank inside a box. I will be stank, and don’t like cocks. I am stank, oh yes I am. AND YUM, I LOVE STANK EGGS AND HAM’.

In all seriousness, Luly fell victim to one of the classic blunders. All episode, she talked about how she was doing so much better than everyone else. During Miss J’s notteach, she was all ‘This is my signature walk and it’s going to make me famous’, even though she looked like a pony with Downs. Girl, you are NOT Camille. She told her bitch Ashley that Brittany did the worst at the photoshoot. Pretty much a bullseye to the bottom 2.

And even though Luly reached all new levels of gossiping bitch, it was over before we could even get used to the new stomping grounds of this cycle. She’s gone, which means we’re probably stuck with Ashley for a few more weeks, since she’s clearly the new house bitch.

OH AND DID I MENTION THAT ALL THIS CRAP STARTED BECAUSE OF SUNDAE?! CLEARLY THE ICE CREAM HAS SPOILED A BIT, BECAUSE SHE WAS STARTING SHIT… Biyanka explained that she missed Courtney, and Sundae was all ‘Oh, but she didn’t like you. She thought you had an attitude. Luly knew but she didn’t tell you’, which started the whole shitshow.

Moving on, lettuce discuss the runway notteach. Actually, let’s discuss this piece of work first:

What the effing crap?

What the effing crap?

Diva Davanna (No idea if this is her real name) was brought in to show that you can work a runway even at 4’1. She’s like 9, and she’s completely mastered the art of baby prostitution in her 5 years of modeling. Is anyone else freakishly reminded of ShaRaun from Cycle 11? Does anyone else think it’s hilarious that they brought a NINE YEAR OLD IN to show them that they weren’t utterly useless on a catwalk?

Basically, J did his typical broken record routine, telling the girls to give more energy, take longer strides, and to loosen up. Sounds sort of like sex coaching, to me. Betcha never wanted to think about Miss. J getting it on though, didja? The only notable part of the notteach was Laura saying that the frozen food aisle of the grocery store was her personal runway. Ohhhh, you.

At the runway show, there’s another awesome moment where Rae and Erin almost bump heads again and almost become albino siamese twinsies again, but alas, it is not to be. They are introduced to designer Kevan Hall, who reminds me of a super gay Snoop Dogg.

And then, all hell breaks loose on my television screen.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

KILL IT WITH FIRE. KILL IT WITH FIRE! AHHHHHHHHHH!

For those who have not been acquainted with the wench in the above photo, let me introduce her.

She is Ann SUCKett, editor in chief of Seventeen magazine. She is a pathetic, aging hipster with a huge eagle beak and no taste. She has participated in some of the worst eliminations in ANTM history, and she never says anything worth noting. It is your job, as a reader of Euphoria, to hate her as much as I do.

I screamed when I saw her. I literally yelled NOOOOOOOOOOO. That’s how much I despise this bitch.

The challenge? Walk next to normal sized models and don’t make an ass out of yourself. What they didn’t mention was that the normal sized models were just that… normal sized. Seriously, I think I saw stomach rolls on one of them. And on top of that, the big girls had to wear these hideous, unflattering potato sacks (Janice would not approve. If you’re wearing a potato sack, make it look like a 100,000 dollar potato sack, BITCH) while our petites got to dress in cute cocktail length dresses. Unfair playing field, I say indeed!

The entire thing was boring, since nobody fell and nobody even looked particularly bad. Laura, yet again, has the only good line when she says she’s worried about ‘looking like a midget’. Brittany won the challenge, and took Kara and Laura with her to the Seventeen spread prize win, and they got to model prom dresses.

Ugh, moving away from all things associated with SUCKett before I get hives. The photoshoot this week was pretty simple… Make interesting body shapes so you look taller. Easier said than done, right? The highlight here? Luly was all kinds of boring, prompting King Jay to start referring to everything she did as ‘ish’… as in, she was ‘decentish’. She finally got a decentish enough shotish and then Jay was like FINALLY, GUUUUURL, YOU GOT IT and he choked herish by wrapping his hands and shaking her. She was all MMMMMMMMM THAT’S WHAT I NEED and I was disturbingly informed about Luly’s sex life. Jay was all ‘Enough of this ish, we done here’.

In a very distantish second, Biyanka finally softened her face after confessing that Jesus warms her heart.

In panel, we were introduced to 5’6 supermodel Jaime Rishar, who gave perhaps the most constructive critiques since St. Clay Aiken, but because of this, made for a very uninteresting panel. At least SUCKett wasn’t there. PERHAPS THERE IS A GOD AFTER ALL. Tyra told them that they had to appear taller in photos so they would be hired for print work. Which is hilarious, seeing as how she has them wear flats to panel.

Each girl had to admit to their shortcomings (OH, I CRACK MYSELF UP) and then their photo was deemed ‘Yes, you look taller’ or ‘No bitch, you shortened yourself’. It seemed like the majority of the girls added as much height as they could while still being plausible. Like Kara? She was ‘5’6… and a half’. What editing didn’t show us was that she’s 5’6 and a half and a few centimeters and possibly a few millimeters too. GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT, KARA GUUUURL.

You’ll see the photos tomorrow, but believe me when I say that Nicole, Kara and Erin did the best. Jennifer, despite my dislike for her Forest Whitakerness, also had one of the stronger shots, and no apparently lazy-eyedness.

And now, the moment I’ve been waiting to talk about all recap. GUYS, TOP MODELS IN ACTION IS BACK. AND GUESS WHO STARTED IT OFF?!?!

Vogue Itahlia!

Vogue Itahlia!

Tahlia has been making waves everywhere, literally. The full extent of her work can be found here, but believe us, she’s done print for such prestigous brands as First Response Pregnancy Tests and Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans! In addition, Tahlia has appeared in Pregnant Whores Volume VI. CONGRATULATIONS TAHLIA.

Uh, right. Actually, it was McKey, whose notable achievements include stomping in a runway show that was actually a prize for winning a challenge in Amsterdam and uh… not much else. Which kills me, seeing as how McKey is flawless and should be working like mad.

Back to panel… Kara gets the first call out, followed by Nicole, Erin (a worthy top 3! Who’d have thunk?!), Sundae, Jennifer, Biyanka, Laura, Ashley and Rae. The bottom 2 is Luly and her prime target all episode, Brittany. Seeing as how Ashley is totally able to cover the HBIC duties, Luly stank ass is sent packing. I’m hoping Ashley really rises to the task, hopefully reverting to calling Jennifer a lazy eyed psycho or perhaps referring to Rae and Erin as skank ass albino bitches.

The entire elimination felt very… spliced together? Like, as if Tyra forgot to narrate it and they had to film it at a completely different date? Or maybe I’m just sleepy. And to add insult to injury, Luly dropped the stankosity the second she was eliminated and didn’t give a bitchy exit speech. She was all teary and ‘this has opened doors for me’.

All I can say to that is BAI BITCH.

And with that, another boring episode has come to a close. Check back tomorrow for the photos.

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