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This episode was super boring, in true Cycle 13 fashion. So, allow me to take this time and tell you that you honestly missed nothing special if you missed the episode. Rae was eliminated, and Erin was in the bottom 2 with her- I predicted this, by the way, go me! It was truly infuriating to see two of the strongest models in the competition for not doing well on a Covergirl commercial while the all kinds of meh Sundai (yes, Sundai. Bitch is curdled and is no longer a Sundae. Seriously, all she does is talk shit about the others. In this episode, Erin was ‘obnoxious’. Giiiirl, take a look at yourself!) bounced over to the safe zone with a 4th call out. Seriously, Sundai is supposed to be a ‘commercial model’, yet she keeps failing at these commercial tests… Horrid commercial performance– she sounded like a car salesman– and she booked zero clients at the go-sees. Add in her mediocre photos and ugh, her being there just bugs. After all, she has had a bottom two appearance and no first call out, whereas Erin and Rae have both had first call outs and no bottom two appearances. I’m hoping she’s GONE next, and not dragged to the top 4 like Dominique was in Cycle 10, at the expense of a much stronger girl.

Rant over… for now, at least. Until Sundai gets booted, she will probably be the target of my wrath and Forrest can be spared. We’ll get to her in a moment.

THE HIIIIIILLLLSSS ARE ALLLLIIIIIIVVEEEE

The show really resorted back to its old tactics by having Rae tell us literally at the start of the show that she missed her daughter but knew that being here was the best thing for her. Hello, insta-bottom 2? Erin gave the second confessional and essentially admitted to being jealous of Nicole’s photos, but then quickly countered that by saying that Nicole was socially inept and that she (Erin) had the more relatable personality. Boo hiss, gray eyebrowed lady. Rae, however, seems to have gotten over the Nicole hatred, as evidenced by a head banging contest between the fierce redhead and the albino twins. Rae informs us that Nicole has a cool, weird, laidback personality.

Laura informed us all that she was severely dyslexic before the challenge which was dumb, and the worst part about it was that ANN FUCKASS SUCKETT (the editor of the most high fashion magazine ever, SEVENTEEN OMGGGGZZZ) WAS THERE TO JUDGE. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Bitch was all ‘I’m so hip, I’m so cool’, and millions everywhere got up for their daily bulimia when they saw her big ass nose… The girls had to interview some chick from 90210 using a teleprompter, and during their interview, the teleprompter ‘stops working’ and produces a bunch of jumbled up shit. How amazing. When it was Laura’s turn, my first thought was ‘Awww, this poor bitch is going to think that all the words on that teleprompter are just her dyslexia!’ Erin and Jennifer did well, Laura had that whole dyslexia thing against her, and Nicole was chastised for asking the 20 year old Jessica if she had children of her own. Ann SUCKett and Co. acted like she’d just asked her if she thought abortions were a reliable form of birth control. They were all like OH, THAT WAS SO INAPPROPRIATE. SUCKett is just jealous that nobody wants to have kids with her. Erin wins the challenge, and she, Rae and Jennifer get to do a beauty shoot. Results looked pretty good.

Commercial was boring too… The girls wrote their own scripts… Erin ‘obnoxiously’ (thanks for NOTHING, Sundai) finished hers in record time. On the set, Jay introduced… Nigel? Again? Give me a break. They’re definitely utilizing this creep a lot more this cycle, but leads me to believe that people actually LIKE him *shudders*. He will apparently be the commercial di-rector. Also re-introduced is Teyona, reptilian queen and the winner of Cycle 12. Girl has NOT being eating as she is about 30% clavicle and 70% forehead. She gives a sort of sad, bland speech about how lucky the girls are that they get to do a commercial about mascara, liner AND shadow. Okay, back in your corner, Tey.

Highlights of the commercial-

-Nicole, shockingly, does really well. She also looks expectedly incredible. Nigel tells her to ‘smize’. Oh fuck that shit, are they actually trying to make that legit?

-Sundai emphasizes all her words strangely. Nigel thought she was amateur. Also, the way he says ‘makeup’ is really funny. He just sounds like such a priss trying to be porny.

-Jennifer, much to my chagrin, did an excellent job. Perhaps a little bouncy, but it worked for me.

-Rae is all sorts of awkward and gets the dreaded BLAND stamp.

-Brittany is literally a robot. Also, I don’t think she’s done a confessional in weeks.

-Laura is cute, but it takes her quite a while to deliver.

-Erin fucks up, majorly. She cries and has to have her makeup re-applied FOUR TIMES (THE HORROR!), and causes his prissiness to get all irritated by her weeping. Seriously, he gets all offended by her.

Yawn. Panel time. Guest judge is Kim Kardashian, who is even more irrelevant than Lauren Conrad. Tyra gives her a super flattering intro, which shocked me, seeing as how I thought her achievements were getting pissed on by Ray J and having a fat ass. But shockingly, she was actually kind of… good. She gave constructive criticism and stuff. Apparently she’s hiding a brain beneath that thick layer of bum bum!

Highlights of panel-

-Jennifer’s commercial is expectedly masturbated over. She doesn’t catch shit for her excessive head bobbing (didn’t really bother me either, but it’s annoying that Cycle 6’s Furonda was criticized for it and Jen wasn’t. Although it’s worth noting that they both received first call outs. Maybe that’s the way to get it?)

-Nicole is told that the commercial exhibited in her commercial is nothing like her, but ‘poppin’ anyway. Second call out. Work it out, bloody eyeball.

-Laura’s dyslexia is handled like a bunny or a rainbow… Cycle 8’s Brittany was bottom 2’d for having memory loss from a friggin car crash, but Laura, probably due to a likely top 3 appearance, was scott free. Bottom 3, but decidedly spared. And Tyra didn’t even say WELL I NEVER READ FROM A TELEPROMPTER AND I ALWAYS MADE UP MY SCRIPTS GIIIRL FIERCE WORK IT SMIZE. I know. I too, was shocked.

-Brittany is told she’s too mathematical. Tyra tries to tell her that 1+1=3. Don’t ask. I don’t get it either. The other judges are like OMG TYRA, YOU’RE SO SMART. Remember when I said this show had some validity? I lied.

-Sundai’s bomb of a performance is chuckled appreciatively at. I started groaning at this point, because I knew that bitch was safe, undeservedly.

-Rae and Erin are bottom 2’d, and are all sad and hugging each other as Rae gets booted.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I feel that this is a Lauren Brie elimination. Worse, even. Lauren Brie had a couple seriously weak shots to boot her ass, but Rae only had one that I didn’t like. So yes, I knew it was only a matter of time before we had a BS elimination, and HERE IT IS. And if Sundai doesn’t go next, the next one is BS too.

Farewell albino twins!

Farewell albino twins!

I’m sad to see her go, since she was well… hot as hell, and delivered a number of great shots.

I wish I’d said this last week, but I officially dub this the cycle of the eyes. Also, visit Fourfour.typepad.com

Ashley- Lazy Eye

Jennifer- Wonky Eye

Also, I love Laura. She has happy eyes!

Kara- Glass Eye

Nicole- Bloody Eye

Erin and Biyanka- Eye-brows. Or lack thereof.

Sundai- Eff that bitch.

Tyra- Eyebags

Anyway, check back tomorrow for updated scores with the commercials averaged in. I’m hoping to snag some screen grabs from somewhere.

Thanks for reading yet another boring ANTM episode. Love you all, especially Brian for letting me use his albino twin GIFs ❤

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