Okay, so maybe not. I mean, really. It’s just ANTM. But really…

Could I possibly be any happier?!?! I’ve been gunning for Nicole since Day 1. I never faltered. She officially has the best call out score of any ANTM contestant, both on the show and from me personally. I honestly believe that Tyra’s neurons may be working again… When’s the last time she actually chose the most deserving contestant??! You can possibly make a case for McKey but she wasn’t the total package like Nicole.

Now here’s hoping our Bloody Eyeball breaks the ANTM curse and works. I am still ridiculously happy about her victory, some 16 hours later.

Some interesting facts about our girl:

~She is the youngest winner at age 18. Unless the age requirement changes to 16, she will always be tied for youngest winner or hold the dubious distinction of being the only 18 year old to win

~Sundai, Jennifer and Erin both wanted Laura to win. YEAH, WELL WHO ASKED YOU?!

~Nicole, despite winning the petite cycle, is not the shortest winner the show has ever known. Eva Pigford, of cycle 3, won and she was only 5’6. According to her agency listing, she is now 5’8 and contributes this to yoga. Someone sign Nicole up and make her 5’9.

~Speaking of her height, does she look way taller than 5’7 to anyone? I’d laugh if it turned out that she was like 5’10 or something and just a plant to make the show look legit.

~At the beginning of the episode, when Tyra does the ‘But can S0-And-So overcome their *insert struggle* and become America’s Next Top Model?!’, the only thing said about Nicole was that she had a monotonous commercial voice. Uh… what? Didn’t she get called second for her commercial?

Moving on… The finale definitely lacked that first elimination oomph, especially since that first elimination usually gets rid of someone semi-awesome. With so much extra time, there was really nothing to do but bitch about each other, right? Laura (who’s a total nympho, btw, but more on that later) got all shit-talkin and stuff… It was so odd to hear someone with this super sweet cupcake voice being like ‘Ah don’t see Nicole ahs competishun. Mah walk is better’n hurrrs’.

Speaking of Nicole’s walk… Oh lawd, I can’t possibly describe it accurately. It really was truly bad, something like a spindly Hulk dressed in an 80s prom dress, with a touch of Hannah (who was eliminated for her shit-tastic runway performance!) And the best part? SHE WAS PRAISED FOR IT. BAHAHAHAHAH. Nigel and Tyra were all ‘Oh, signature walk! Waheeeyy!’ I thought the editing really did go in favor of Laura, what with the AHM FROM A SMALL TOWN and AH HEV DYSLEXIA every five seconds, but when Nicole’s she-hulk runway performance wasn’t shat upon, I knew she had it in the bag.

did I mention that I’m happy about that? Cuz I am.

But back to Bitchy ass Laura… it really made me uncomfortable. She’s supposed to be the sweetest contestant of all time, and there she is, insulting my Nicole. And I’m not saying Nicole didn’t serve it up back, but we didn’t see much of it.

So, let’s talk about Covergirl.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIND BOGGLINGLY HOT, Y/Y? I love both of them and would say they easily make the top 10 Covergirl shots of all time. There’s something so cooly sophisticated about both shots… Easy breezy, sure, but also supah sexy. I think the photoshopper was probably a bit heavy handed, especially with Laura’s picture, but fuck it, it looks good, I can deal. also, it should be noted that when pervy mcNigel was like ‘Laura, what are you thinking about?’ she immediately replied ‘MILKSHAKES!’ with the gusto of a 5 year old.

Mmmmmmmmm. , If she can turn out a shot that’s that pretty while thinking of milkshakes, more power to her. I don’t buy it though. During some excellent never before seen footage, Nicole was all ‘I’m awkward. I don’t think about sex.’ and Laura explained it to her: ‘It’s lahk mountin-bahkin, you know? You git all switty goin to the top of the mountain and all hot and stuff and when you git to the top you’re like YES YES YES!’.

UH, HELLO NYMPHO?!?!? I truly did love her for that. I’ve never felt the need to be like YES YES YES at the top of a mountain, but maybe I’m just not doing it right =(

But hahahaha, pervy was NOT too thrilled about Laura’s mind being full of milkshakes. He clearly wanted her to be like OH NIGEL, YOUR ASS IS ON MY MIND. SHOW ME YOUR JUNK. Not even, Pervy.

The commercials were a big snooze… Both girls didn’t go anything special enough to note but since it was a pretty low-pressure situation (since there was no elimination resting on the commercials), I couldn’t really care less. I’d say that Nicole’s supposed ‘snooty’ attitude is better for selling products than Laura’s country bumpkin accent (because honestly? Models ARE better than me, so I can deal with bitchitis. I’m good with it. You should be too)

Speaking of selling products… Teyona was HILARIOUS in this episode. She was like a completely empty reptilian woodland creature… She came out of the shadows, and fucked her one line about ‘lash blasht’ mascara. Oh Teyona. All I can say to you is BAI BITCH.

The runway pre-show provided one of the episode’s funniest moments for me. Jay made a big ta-da about having the other overseas girls participating in the fashion show- ‘THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE’RE HAVING THE ELIMINATED GIRLS COME BACK TO WALK IN THE FINAL RUNWAY!’.

Pffft, riiiight. Which is why Cycle 10’s Lauren, who possessed a truly embarrassing runway walk, told audiences that she and the rest of the top 6 in Titney’s cycle all walked? and that’s why Marjorie and Sheena were seen in Cycle 11’s trip uphill? Riiiiight.

To his credit though, the final runway was UH-MAZ-ING. Jay Manuel is one inventive fucker, you know? It dealt with elements… including a rehash to the scarf beauty shots where the girls were covered in fabric and forcing their way down a windy runway, and then some sort of water-logged orgy at the end. it was totally hot and a definite 10/10.

But on the opposite end of the spectrum…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AGAIN?!?!?!?? She showed up at the front door of the model house, big nose a’gleamin and rather than run away in horror, the girls were all like HIIIIII!!! MAKE IT STOP. In some disturbing related news… For those who remember vintage cycles of ANTM, the old prize used to include ‘a spread in Elle magazine, shot by world renknowned photographer Gilles Bensimon’, who is actually quite legit. After the prizes changed in Cycle 7, I assumed that Gilles went back to Elle to wash the ANTM stench off of himself, but LO AND BEHOLD, THERE HE WAS, SHOOTING FOR SEVENTEEN.

HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN.

Awww.

Tyra also did a house call, and she did her traditional ‘try and make the top 2 contestants talk about struggles and cry’. Laura, of course, fell for the bait, and started sobbing about her dyslexia (were you aware that she suffered from this affliction?!). Nicole, to her credit, didn’t cry, but she did sort of sadly admit to eating lunch by herself in a bathroom stall. That reminds me of that scene in Mean Girls…

Although I don’t think this is really the same thing… And really, she probably had no friends because she was hotter than everyone else combined and everyone felt threatened by her. Sort of like on this cycle of ANTM.

Side note– I’m starting to think Nicole is a robot.

She had no baby pictures during the reveal of her ANTM portfolio, and when she was on The Tyra Show the other day, she had her fifth grade teacher show up as a means of support. Uhhh, you couldn’t have brought in her parents? Or some other art nerd? Nope, fifth grade teacher. sooo, this leads me to believe that she is some sort of quirky hot-bot who only went to school for a year and has since lived in some vessel, painting and getting sexier. Let’s hope her body doesn’t malfunction when she has to do photoshotos.

The final judging was actually pretty relaxed too. The only real inconsistency was the hoopla (HOOPLA! HOOPLA!) over Laura’s beauty shot with the scarves, which was sort of given a big ‘meh’ during its respective panel (and called sixth).

Maccauley Culkin?

It’s pretty standard for the judges to either turn massively on a photo (I think back to cycle 4’s Naima, whose 7 Deadly Sin photo of envy was jerked off to in panel but hated at the final deliberation) or to suddenly think the sun shines out of its ass, but this was really the only case where it happened.

When Nigel, J (whose ever growing shoulder pads looked like balls, just sayin’) and Tyra had to do the deliberation for who deserved it, I actually saw a glimmer of hope in Tyra.

Well, hello gorgeous!

She was adamant about wanting a model who actually possessed modeling prowess. Maybe this has always happened, but she asked J and Pervy where they could see each girl working. It actually felt like a well thought out decision, and that was extremely refreshing. I loved that J saw Nicole as a Milan girl (read: High fashion diva) and Laura as someone America would love (read: commercial, which isn’t bad by any stretch, but it says a lot) I do suspect that Wilhelmina was like “Listen, Banks. You’re going to choose Nicole, who is hardly petite and has a great, skinny body for fashion”, in which case, GO WILHELMINA. This is all speculation of course, but after Elite got stuck with Whitney and Saleisha, I could see the agency flexing their muscles a little bit.

Of course, the haters were let out of their cages last night to start attacking Nicole for being lame and typical looking. Yeah, okay. Suck it, haters.

Bloody Eyeball has won. She beat out threaded eyebrows, bug eyes, a busted foot, a choking fetish, an abusive relationship, a plant spotted at The Tyra Show, a glass eye, an albino mom, a math geek, a midget with parent issues, a token asian, another albino and a dyslexic. The odds were not on her side but guess what, bitches?

NICOLE IS AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.

Thank you, my adorable readers, for being so supportive of me this cycle. It means the world to me. Stay posted for my top and bottom 10 photos of the cycle (sometime later today) and a bonus post about Tyra and her many personalities.

<3!

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