Seriously… Fire whoever told these girls to wear their rubber tights… I suspect Tyra is to blame. I guess my obsessive letters requesting that Tyra gtfo to make room for Marisa Miller didn’t work (just kidding. I didn’t do that)

Anyway… the height problems are gone and the hideola is back with a fiery vengeance. And the names are ridiculous again… At this rate, I won’t have to make up nicknames and I can just call everyone Stripper 1, Stripper 2, Pole Dancer Extraordinaire, etc. Although that’d be kind of confusing.

Right right, the gals… Let’s see them… Starting with my favorite-

Ren-

Oh HAI Shalom Harlow/Elyse Sewell hybrid. She is so stunningly hot… European chic with that haircut, great lips… Pretty much everyone looks retarded in the leotards so saying that her body is maybe not a perfect 10 is hardly an insult. The best news about her, besides her undeniable hotness, is that she put ‘living’ as her occupation’. Bahahahah. If that’s not Elyse levels of sarcasm, it’s utter retardation. I’m hoping for the former. The worst news about her? Apparently her Facebook suggests that she’s at a Lauren Utter level of disdain for this show, which is fine… if you’re not on it. If you think it’s a stupid concept, don’t go on it. If you’re going to be on ANTM, suck it up and deal with its bullshit. Do not want wannabe badass chick acting too cool for school. But, we’ll give her a chance…. She’s hot enough. Not Nicole Fox levels of fantastic, but I dig her.

Jessica-

Jessica is one of the only ones giving something really interesting to look at in her pose, and her body is easily one of the best. Take it from someone who inexplicably rocks shades of mustard yellow… Not everyone can do gold tights. Jessica pulls it off. In this picture, she’s looking maybe a little generic but there are two things perfectly acceptable with this– A) Generic is better than stupidly hideous and B) her name is one of the few that doesn’t sound like a stripper name. So, generic is fine. by. me. I’ll be ecstatic if she can bring it in photos.

Brenda-

If she brings it in photos, I’ll be on board. I get the slightest hint of Marjorie from her, and she, like Jessica, is almost working the ghastly leotard. Maybe it’s the teal… Maybe it’s an adequate body. With this crop, I can get on board with some Marjorie and a decent looking bod. I’m praying that she is not a Sarah Von. How depressing is this shit? My third favorite girl is ‘adequate’.

Alasia-

There’s someone every cycle that inexplicably looks like about sixteen different ANTM contestants, and Alasia is it this cycle. She’s part ShaRaun minus the Cheshire cat smile (and hopefully minus the social disease), part Aminat, part Monique (also hopefully minus the social disease) and part Stacy Ann without the Patti LaBelle drag imitator thing. She appears to have great skin, and GREAT legs. There is that minor fear of repetitive duck face (see: Aminat and Stacy Ann) but when I assume, I make an ass out of myself.

Anslee-

Face-wise, she is one of my favorites. She’s sporting the Britain’s Next Top Model cut, more commonly seen on Cycle 9’s Sarah. She has delicate little features but a less than impressive body. Again, one can only hope that this is due to being stuffed into a leotard. Real-size is nothing new for ANTM and if she can deliver photographically, I’ll be quick to bump her up (think Samantha Potter from Cycle 11)

Naduah-

She has a little boy body and well… she’s bald. Those are two legs that generally pretty wrong in terms of what I find beautiful or even modelesque (I’m in the club that believes that you basically need to be Sinead O’Connor to be bald otherwise, don’t bother) but Naduah… almost works. She looks competent! Look at the way she’s tilting her right foot up to create more length… it works! The baldness is a bit Holocaust chic but they could have picked a way worse person to do this to (since I’m told that these are the makeover shots, in which case, HAHAHAHAHAH WHAT THE FUCK), since Naduah has bone structure… and a nice face.

Krista-

LOL 26! Why do they even bother doing this? They’re just going to tell her that she looks like the cryptkeeper in every photo and then eliminate her for being old as dirt. Although, the more I look at her, the prettier I think she is. Is it just me or is she REALLY tall? I feel like I’m looking at a slightly more competent Xiomara… Hopefully she’s significantly more competent, since Xiomara, despite being adorable, was clueless in front of a camera. She has a lot to prove, being OLD AS FUCK and all.

Raina-

Y’know how there’s one girl that everyone is batshit crazy for pre-show that I can never really get on board with? Most recent examples include Rae, Liverpool, Anyway… Well, meet Raina. EVERYONE (and I literally mean EVERYONE) is ejaculating over this girl and I just. don’t. get. it. I mean, yes, she’s not the worst, by any means, but these ecstatic cries of joy over Raina are not making sense with me. I love a strong browline, but this is Cycle 5’s Coryn meets Analeigh. Yo! Not really the best combination. The pose suggests competent knowledge on how to work her angles, but she better work if she expects me to join her massive circle jerk.

Simone-

Are we sure that Krista is 26 and not her? I was originally ready to bottom 3 her, but upon further inspection, she’s actually got a decent body. Or maybe it’s just the fact that her leotard abomination is one of the less offensive ones. There’s something sort of weirdly severe about her… She reminds me of one of those judges on Law and Order that means no nonsense and will eat you for lunch if you fuck with her, and yet, she’s kind of attractive. And fuck her for being named Simone, seriously. That means I can’t call Sandra Simone anymore cuz everyone will get confused thanks to Angelea being back. More on that shit later.

Alexandra-

She is supposedly the plussie of the cycle… And while I do get a sort of eerie Whitney Thompson vibe from her- maybe it’s the ever so slightly ajar mouth, maybe it’s just my general disdain for Whitney and the bad taste she’s left in my mouth for plus sized models ever since she stole Anyway’s win– I also really, really, REALLY love that body. Is it a true plus sized body? No. But she’s not a ridiculous pear shape… More of an hourglass. She also appears to have nice hair. But there’s something bland about her. I can get behind the plus size girl not being shoved in my face as the best personality EVERRRRR, but I just sense blandness from her.

Angelea-

Remember this chick?

Wait, wait… maybe you’ll be more familiar with this:

HAHAHAHAHA, SHE’S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. Honestly, I prefer the twelve inch talons and the my little pony piece she was sporting back in Cycle 12 when she graced us with her presence for the pre-show episode and helped begin Simone’s (read: Sandra, NOT this cycle’s Simone) bitch edit. So, the question is… Is she a Jaslene or a Marvita? I’m more inclined to go with Marvita, except less awesome. I just see manly man man man in this photo. And you better believe she still has long, ugly ass toes. Simone wouldn’t lie about that shit.

In the dregs now… Yikes.

Gabrielle-

Kay, so what is the deal? First of all… What is her ethnicity? Is she albino? She has big, curly Nik hair but she looks… white. And it’s pretty much bullshit that I just used Nik’s name in the same sentence as this chick. She looks like Lluvy in her Aliens in Manhattan picture, except I suspect that her face just always looks like this. Compared to her shoulders and chest, her ass is gigantic… although that could be the angle, but since I am on the vicious hate train, I will just assume that it is another flaw with this highly flawed being. OH AND SHE IS NOTTTTTTTTTTT FURONDA. NAHT NAHT NAHT FURONDA. I resent all the comparisons. Furonda is FIERCE.

So, what could I possibly like less than THIS?!?!?!?

Tatianna-

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay, confession time… When I first looked at this one, I truly and honestly believed it was Tahlia. So, you can understand why I had to rank her dead last. The last fucking thing I need is another fucking Tahlia. In reality, her body is actually pretty strong, but she is like, making love to her weave via her hands. Regardless of her apparent nice body, she is still on my radar and the second she whines, bitches, complains, she’s DEAD to me. She also appears to have stolen Lauren Brie’s eyes. THIEF. COMPLAINING ASS THIEF. BE GONE WITH YOU.

As is custom, I’m going to do some preliminary predictions, plus some preemptive superlatives…

Most Likely to Prove Me Wrong- Brenda could easily go the route of unfierce short pixie cut people and on the flip side, I’m probably underrating Raina.

Most Likely to be Overrated- Hard to say at this point, but I’ll say Angelea. Unless she truly fucks up, she’ll probably go overseas.

Most Likely to be Underrated- I feel like Anslee will get no screentime and be eliminated for having no personality.

Most Likely to be a Bitch- I hope Ren is a fun bitch, and I predict that Alasia or Tatianna are bitchy bitches.

Most Likely to be a Sweetheart- If it’s Raina, I’m just gonna refer to her as Analeigh. Jessica seems nice.

Predictions-

13th- Gabrielle (God willing)

12th- Simone

11th- Brenda

10th-Krista

9th- Alexandra

8th- Naduah

7th- Anslee

6th- Angelea

5th-Jessica

4th- Tatianna

3rd- Ren

2nd- Alasia

Winner- Raina

All speculation, obviously. Probably horribly wrong. We’ll see. WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE!

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