The original plan was to go through and recap cycle 9 just like I do with the new cycles. But, after much consideration… I decided that A) having a heart attack over Saleisha winning wasn’t worth it and B) I can just do the photos and add as much snark as I want. This way, I’m spared hours of Saleisha’s bullshit personality but I can still rag on her endlessly for being mediocre as fuck. It’s PERFECT…

I’ll just do raw potential to get the ball rolling. Love it up, kids! Starting with the best-

Sarah-

THAT is what a gorgeous plus-sized girl looks like. Take note Whitney. Take note new Alexandra person. Take note EVERYONE. See how her mouth is not catching food? See how she’s got her hand on her hip which implies sass without looking stupid? I think it was Rich that said that she was so damn perfect that she must have been a plant. Too bad Tyra was all ‘Oh, you’re the size you were when we cast you… TOO SMALL’ and eliminated her just so she could crown the almighty gasping pear a season later. Fuck that.

Ebony-

I love how bitchy she looks… She just has this major eyebrow attitude going on that’s like ‘Yeah… AND?’ So hilarious. But really, could that yellow shirt look any better on her? As I mentioned in my cycle 14 post… I can inexplicably rock mustard yellow but Ebony is all about the lemon sorbet yellow, y/y? The pictures I’m using are cropped so you can’t see her sick nasty legs, but I assure you that they are well… sick nasty.

Heather-

She is SO hot in this picture… I mean, if I had to guess which one has Assburgers, it would NOT be Heather, whose stance does not suggest social awkwardness but rather, total acceptance of hottie status. Everything about her just works… The pale skin, blue shirt, dark hair… Love this bitch.

Jenah-

Tough call, but I love my wittle wabbit Jenah with her auburn hair… And since it was essentially between her and Saleisha for the next spot (I know, right? THE HORROR), the decision was clear. Always choose Jenah. Because ultimately… Pissed on blonde beats Dora the Explorer. Berry splash beats tangerine. High fashion versus commercial wasteland. Oh and this picture of Jenah is cute.

Saleisha-

Here’s the deal, y’all. She really is almost likable with this hairdo. It’s when they gave her the hair don’t and justified keeping her around for that masturbating tulip picture that she went down the shitter. Check yo thighs out in the mirrah, Saleisha. But in this picture… Cute as a button, in a downright naughty way! Look at the gleam in her eyes… She’s imagining someone naked!

Victoria-

Victoria makes bodysuits look fierce… Everyone that goes to Yale, like Victoria, knows that a bodysuit is risky, as it is made of major amounts of spandex and will stick to your every flaw. Other than cone shaped tits, Victoria doesn’t appear to be sporting any major flaws, body wise. Personality? Well, time will tell.

Lisa-

This picture doesn’t emphasize that Lisa is a whopping 6’1, tying her with Aminat and… maybe someone else? For tallest contestants to ever appear on the show. She’s got great skin too, so that works for her. The bad? Her smile photographs really weird. This will become a bit of a pattern. And I’m not really a fan of her afro hair. It could be worse though, right? Like a Pigford poodle? Oh lawd, foreshadowing. All this being said… 6’1 is 6’1.

Biyanka the First-

The purple weave counts against her, obviously, since it’s straight up fug and the best thing that could have happened to her is getting that shit shaved off… but I stand by the fact that I really like Biyanka’s (and this is the original Biyanka… Don’t let Cycle 13’s Jesus freak convince you otherwise) face. Great lips, nice eyes. But yeah, homegirl needs to be bald.

Kimberly-

One of my favorite bodies, but some seriously odd eyes, in this picture anyway. Does anyone remember her audition where she was like GAHHHHHHH FREAAAAAAK OUTTTTTTTTT? I never would have expected that of her from this picture, seeing as how she looks like a combination of sleepy and perhaps a little uh… slow? Also, she appears to be suffering from that unfortunate shaggy stage of side bangs where they’re just past cute but not long enough to fully tuck behind your ear?

Mila-

Did anyone ever have one of those rotten egg toys? You had to record your name into it and then it yelled the names out and if you were holding it and it was like ROTTEN EGG, you basically sucked. Well, Mila looks like an egg. A pretty egg, but she’s still an egg.

Ambreal-

She has the best skin, but given that I’ve turned into a total snob about model potential and all that, I just can’t rank her higher than bottom 3… And her shirt sort of makes my eyes hurt. I liked when she came into her audition wearing leg warmer type things and then KEPT THEM ON when she walked out in her swimsuit. Not modelesque or not… It takes a strong woman to rock swimwear with leg warmers, amirite?

Chantal-

She looks like a gaunt, flat faced, lazy eyed bitch in this picture. See, I don’t just say this shit about Asian people! In a bizarre turn of events, Chantal is my choice for prettiest of Cycle 9, but THIS PICTURE… AHHHH. MY EYES.

Janet-

If this was America’s Next Top Soccer Mom, Janet would be the best… By far. All these young whippersnappers ain’t got nothing on her. Don’t get me wrong… Her face is cute and she actually works that short hair but model? Don’t see it.

I did promise my biggest fan that I would post a picture of her ass though…

There it is.

So really… If Chantal, the flat faced fish, is my second worst… This is the start of a pretty decent cycle, right? ZOMG, A GOOD WINNER? Pffft, HAHAHAHA… This is ANTM we’re talking about. Naht gonna happen.

Also, mourning the fact that Spontaniouse didn’t make it into the house-

Next up on Euphoria… Stillborn babies, gaping jelly holes and partial balding.

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