OH WELL HELLO THERE… ANTM has already made things difficult for me… Serving up the makeover shots as promo pictures, doing a stupid 90 minute premiere with no photoshoot and elimination and making Tyra hot as hell. I dunno if I mentioned this in my pre-show thoughts, but these girls are back to having weird names too, so the good thing is that giving them nicknames is easier.

Since I literally have no photos to share (you’ve seen their makeovers), I’ll just post unflattering screenshots from their interviews as a reference point. Aaaand, for something different, I’m going to post them in order from my favorite to least favorite, like I did pre-show… Except it’s vair different.

Naduah-

This really isn’t that unattractive because, honestly… Homegirl is straight up beautiful. She had a very hard, Holocaust chic thing going on in her makeover picture but that isn’t the case… She has a feminine, beautiful face and the most stunning voice… She’s half European (I have no idea what country) and half Mexican so she’s all interestingly exotic. She also has the advantage of being the sob story of the cycle– She was raised in a cult setting where she lived with 100 other children who were sexually molested and forced to do Little Oprah Annie-esque jobs like clean a floor with a toothbrush.

Fuck people.

But anyway… At the final preliminary photoshoot, the girls had to channel supermodels… Naduah did Kate Moss because she was ‘small and powerful’. Please keep her around forever.

Jessica-

She is SO cute… I couldn’t really do a gross screenshot of her because she just looked adorable in all of them. She’s one of TWO girls who got knocked up upon their first time having sex… Okay, holy shit. Have these retards ever heard of condoms? Seriously… I don’t care if you’re Fertile Myrtle… You should NAHT be preggo after one go at doing the nasty.

Sorry Mom.

Regardless, Jessica rocks. She’s from Arkansas and she loves sweet tea. She was blonde and commercial cute pre-makeover and then she was ‘sexified’ (her words, not mine)

Anslee-

She’s sort of a stanky bitch… And she looked a little Renee-ish in her makeover photoshoot, but I really want to be able to be like HAHAHA, TOLD YOU SO if she does well. And if she sucks, well… then I can rag on her for being a massive disappointment and stuff. She has one of the coolest faces… Razor sharp facial structure and she looked like she was smelling hardcore shit in all of her preliminary photos, which is always hot. She got weepy at the makeovers (she got a major chop) but couldn’t deny that it looked pretty hot and was an improvement over her long hair.

Brenda-

Obviously loving the ginger… Some things never change. She got a lot of flack for looking old with long hair but she doesn’t have the cute European-ish Marjorie appeal and so I consider her short haircut to be a downgrade. Still, red is red… But let’s focus on the fact that this is the other dumbwad who got pregnant after having sex ONCE. I will still never get over that. I feel like a fucking sex ed teacher… ‘If you’re not comfortable buying condoms, you shouldn’t be having sex’. Brenda did, it must be noted, have the BEST reaction to making it into the house (mentioned later on in the recap)

Simone-

She’s easily the prettiest of the black girls and the only one who didn’t immediately stereotype herself negatively, although she did sort of come off as disdainful of being black… I mean, jesus, she referred to herself as an Oreo. I’ve always thought that was super-racist ever since I read this Babysitters Club book where a girl called someone that and everyone lost their shit. But still, sorority slut and annoying voice aside, Simone is smiling about having her head shorn bald on the sides. This bitch is cool.

Raina-

I think I’m going to start calling her Coryleigh because she has Coryn eyebrows and Analeigh’s personality, JUST LIKE I EXPECTED. She seems very earnest and sweet, but also genuine, so I like her a lot.  She chose Adriana Lima as her supermodel that she wanted to embody, but didn’t point at random contestants. Insta-Fail. Still, with the rest of the contestants being stank ass bitches/ugly/unwashed, I’ll begrudgingly admit that I was too hard on Bionic Brow woman.

Gabrielle-

Surprised? I still think she’s kind of terrifyingly fishy in the face, but she had a unique presence about her… Most notably, she almost immediately quoted Jade Cole (I’m bi-racial!) and then got served up an Eva Pigford edit (Intimidating bitch to other girls, break down in panel). When channeling supermodels, she chose Freja Beha Erichsen and was all smug about it, and then Jay had a Frejagasm about it to Tyra, praising Gabrielle for knowing an ‘obscure’ part of fashion. Um, hello… Freja has had a Calvin campaign and is like #3 on Models.Com. Oooooohhhh right, NAHT a Victoria’s Secret model.

Alasia-

Her new name is now Malaysia. She went fucking fetal for ANTM twice in 60 minutes… Once upon seeing Tyra, and then again when she made it into the house. The first one was baffling… I didn’t even chuckle nervously or anything… I just sort of typed and felt weird. She fell to the ground and then pulled off a wig and out tumbled like sixteen feet of hair. Uh, what? Malaysia is a reformed bad ass who has found God. She started quoting a verse and then forgot where in the Bible it was from, and then conveniently forgot how many fingers she had. She’s already gotten into a fight with Angelea. This one is in it for the drah-ma. I love her for her personality, but she’s JANK in her photos. Oh and don’t forget, she channeled Naomi Campbell as her supermodel and then couldn’t think of a single Naomi photo. Like seriously… Just be like THIS IS VOGUE and stare straight ahead. Chances are that Naomi did that at least once:

Alexandra-

I put her towards the bottom because she is truly terrifyingly reminiscent of Whitney fucking Thompson and that is just not okay with me. She’s actually pretty (although dumb as fuck… She drew a nickel sized mole on her face to channel Cindy Crawford and looked more like Fred Savage in Goldmember) but she’s got one of those disdainful ‘I’m a size 10 and my size 0 friends bitch about their bodies more than I do’ attitudes. Adorable. Not.

Tatianna-

I chose this screenshot because Tatianna is a freaky deaky mortuary student and probably would love this. She’s not nearly as bad as I originally anticipated– Far from Tahlia although that makeover picture gives me the chills in an extremely bad way– but she too is pretty fucking stupid. When embodying a supermodel, she chose Megan Fox. Yup, as in the mega dick-slut Transformers ho. Super. Model. Not STD factory.

Angelea-

Um, okay… So she came in to her audition all smiling and glowing and I was like ‘Oh look, potential’ but she got her makeover and looks like a drag version of Cycle 9’s Chantal and her stankosity is still present. I can’t wait for a GIF of her in confessional giving the ‘displeased’ face versus a scowl. Crank up the fucking sass, why dontcha? But really… I just want to type out everything she says verbatim, even if it means being called racist, because the things Angelea says are so much better when you don’t make them grammatically correct-

-(While looking at pictures of Tyra on the wall of the house) ‘She got one where she all like innocent and she got another one where she all like mmmhmmm *pretends to sip from a cup*. She get the job done. That’s why she Tyra Banks’

-(While fighting with Malaysia) ‘I don’t like that you already got a opinion of me.’

-(During a tiff with Anslee) ‘Yeah wuteva you didn’t say that but yeah’

It needs to be mentioned that during aforementioned fight with her, Malaysia totally busted out major profanity and totally ruined her Jesus is my Homeboy impression. And even though I just dedicated a section to Angelea (I’m still deciding on a nickname for her… Corngelea, in regards to Cycle 12’s YOU GOT SOME UGLY ASS CORNS is my favorite so far but throw out any suggestions you have), I think Malaysia is the best in terms of entertainment value. Bar none.

Ren-

This picture accurately describes how I felt when I saw Ren for the first time… How the mighty have FALLEN. She is gross… First of all, she got to bypass the bullshit retardation of casting because apparently everyone sucked and they only chose 12, so they found Ren elsewhere… But it’s like… really? She has scary ‘I do coke’ eye-bags, not to mention HER HAIRY ASS ARMPITS. Yes, no joke, she doesn’t shave. I mean, Academy Award winner Mo’Nique doesn’t shave her legs but A) that is legs, not armpits and B) Mo’ is not likely to be doing any jobs that require her to show off her legs any time soon. I mean CHRIST… I could smell Ren from here the second she appeared on my TV and scarred me with her soul-sucking face of doom. Did I mention her Jael-esque personality? Bitch is past burnt out… She just sounds mostly vacant. I am horrified by my initial pre-show love for her… THOUGH it must be said that I wasn’t just out of my mind… That makeover photo is the best one even after all this coming down to earth.

Krista-

Another picture that accurately describes my feelings on a girl! So many things to dislike about her… There’s her jaundice yellow eyes, her inability to pronounce the word ‘express’ (seriously, she said ‘espress’), her disdain over getting a removable ponytail as a makeover (homegirl, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY), the fact that she wears heels to the grocery store, her siding with Angelea over Malaysia in the Stereotypical Ghetto Bullshit fight in the house. She’s just a mess… Even that nice skin can’t hide that bitch looks at least 30. One thing that almost had me believing was the sheer absurdity of her saying that she didn’t date white guys because pink penises reminded her of raw meat. Um. WHAT. Don’t google ‘penis raw meat’, by the way.

Back by popular demand… I decided to post the girls reactions to making it in the house as a direct correlation to their orgasm noises. So, in the order they were called into the house-

Naduah- YES! YES! (We’ve got a screamer!)

Jessica-Oh my god! (Don’t worry Jess… I wore a condom)

(Oh and Angelea is already like puffy and red faced at this point… Just sayin’)

Simone- Oh my god! (DON’T BE BORING… JESSICA ALREADY COVERED THAT)

Raina- That’s my name! Yes! Yes!

Tatianna- *Eyes get huge* (Silent, sullen bitch)

Alexandra- OH MY GOD! NO MORE MOLES! (This might actually be my favorite reaction of all time… Can you imagine if someone was orgasming and they were just like NO MORE MOLES?)

Krista-Ahhh! Wooot!

Brenda- *Smiles weakly* I don’t have the best body, but I’m happy to be here (Okay, sorry Alexandra, but Brenda just took the crown from you. I’M SO HAPPY TO BE ON THE RECEIVING END OF YOUR O-GIVING SKILLS. PARDON MY PAUNCH)

Malaysia- AWWWW YEAHHH OH MY GAWWWWW THANK YOU THANK YOU SOOOO SOSOSOSOSO MUCH *Goes fetal* (And you wonder why I love this bitch)

Anslee- THANK YOU SO MUCH, THANK YOU (Grateful type)

Gabrielle- *Snort* (Seriously, all I could hear was a fucking snort. Like, are we kidding?)

And of course, Angelea gets called last… I could have seen that shit coming a mile away… Her reaction?

‘I’m sorry, it’s ugly. Thank you so much’.

SO. MUCH. WIN. I mean, she was talking about her snotty nose and puffy eyes, but CAN YOU IMAGINE?! Sorry, ‘it’s’ ugly (That ‘it’ could be so many things…), but thank you so much.

One other thing I really liked was this banter with Biyanka (Cycle 9) and Laura (Cycle 13) about makeovers… Sassy Corngelea (trying it out) was all ‘Brenda is like sobbin cuz she’s getting her hair cut off… I wonder if she can even handle this competition’ or something equally eloquent and then it cuts to commercial and Biyanka is all ‘IT’S EASY TO SAY THAT WHEN YOU’RE GETTING A WEAAAAAAVE SEWN IN’ with all her trademark sass. Laura was just like ‘Well, ah din’t git mah hairs cut, but ah woulda cried!’

The rejects from this cycle ranged from the stunning Nida, who was Pakistani and deserved to make it into the house, some stank bitch who is Cybil Shepherd’s goddaughter named Hallie who looked about 45, a Patti Labelle drag queen named Jeanna and this tattooed ratchet named Danielle who got all sad when she didn’t make it and put her legs up, causing her snatch to blur out. Whoops, you forgot to wear panties!

Addressing the Angelea/Malaysia fight– Can I get a whatwhaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. I don’t even know what the hell got Angelea’s panties all in a bunch but she was unimpressed with Malaysia and it turned into a pissing match that involved Krista too. Moving the fuck on.

Perez Hilton was on the show, banking on Tyra’s promise to let him appear on the show if he stopped calling Suri Cruise a flat chested bitch. I don’t know why that fucktard has the audacity to call ANYONE a mess when he looks the way he does.

And unfortunately, dear readers, that’s all I’ve got for you this week. I really have no idea who is going next week so I can’t hint on spoilers and I have no photoshoot to judge either! I’m glad to have all of you back though! Hope you enjoyed the recap… Please leave comments and stay posted!

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