Sorry about the title… Special two photoshoot episode plus the addition of a new batshit judge and I’m going to start combining words to make my own language, since apparently that’s how the fashion-centric do it. I need practice though.

First things first… Everyone is losing their shit about the eliminations. Gabrielle (for the first shoot) and Naduah (for the second). As a initially disdainful and then reluctant supporter and adamant follower, respectively, of those two, I can honestly say… Meh, wuteva. Gabrielle had knowledge about the industry and looked better in person but she photographed sort of like a weird hybrid of a fish, Shakira and Amanda Seyfried. So odd. Naduah, well… She was really pretty and stuff and she was my favorite after the casting episode but she really seemed like a weirdo after the second episode. Plus, she looks like Belladonna:

Two in the pink and one in the stink!

Told you so.

So, just because I’m seriously lacking in visual aids, let’s do something fun and check out the shots from the first panel, since they were leaked yesterday. The premise- A poor, defenseless mannequin had 13 items on and the girls had to tackle it and stake claim on one of the items. They were to sell that item and nothing else. Butt. Ass. Naked.

Starting with the best photo-

Ren-

So, this photoshoot rolls around and I’m in love with Ren, just like I was pre-show Put makeup on her and airbrush the crap out of those eyebags and she had me believing in her all over again. Angelea summed it up pretty well with ‘I dun like Ren’s personality but she did like a bomb ass job on her photoshoot so I dunno’. Second part of the episode, and Ren is pulling some Lauren Utter ‘I’m too good for ANTM’ bullshit, just as I feared. She’s all whinge, whinge, fucking whiiiiiinge, about how Malaysia never shuts up and how she’s so much smarter than them. Hilariously, she told Anslee that she loved her pre-ANTM life, which was drama-free, and despite that she was poor, she was happy. Too poor for a Gillette but hairy and proud, that’s our Ren. So, after the most brilliant fight with Malaysia (which I will explain further when we get to her abortion of a photo) and countless weepy confessionals, which has led me to determine that she is now to be called Rant, Ren lands in the bottom 2 for a photo described by Nigel as an ad for the H1N1 virus.

Pause please.

Seriously Nigel. When did you get funny? An ad for H1N1? The idea is so preposterous and I think you’re just the noted fashion photographer to shoot it for us. And really, when I post the photos, you’ll see that Tanny McPervertson isn’t too far off base… Ren is completely cross-eyed and looks like a walking disease in her photo… It’s quite the contrast from her first stunning one posted above.

So anyway, I kept expecting Ren to quit and save Naduah, but she is still here and still SOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU, so deal with it. Ugh, bitch.

Anslee-

MWAHAHAHAHAHA, SUCK IT COLLECTIVE POPULATION. Everyone was all ‘Oh, Anslee is fat. She has a yucky face. BLAH BLAH BLAH’ when the pre-show shots came out and I’m all ‘No, look at her bone structure! Anslee is awesome!’ ‘NO, SHE’S JUST A STANK HO WHO MAKES WEIRD FACES. OUT FIRST, YOU’RE WRONG.’

So, so, SO delicious. I love that ALT (That’s Andre Leon Talley to you, and he’s the new judge. More on him when we get to Malaysia) said that Anslee’s photo was an almost telescopic view into her nether regions, but done stylishly. Yes, because nothing screams style like beef curtains. Seriously, Anslee is a mama. And another really cool thing about Anslee is that she nailed the second photoshoot too, evoking ‘jutting chin’ which is apparently ‘all right to do’. Yeah, that’s another ALT original. Anslee seems to be rocking that sort of undercover bitch thing… Malaysia is clearly the unhinged one in the house, but Anslee seems like a bit of a shit-stirrer… During a debate between Raina and Naduah, Raina seemed to assess it all rationally and then Anslee was just like “Naduah is PATHETIC”. Well, DAMN. Roasted. Aaaand, based on the previews for next week, she gets into it with Brenda too. Can’t wait.

Brenda-

Speaking of Brenda… I’m pretty sure I was the first person to say something nice about this photo when they were leaked. Everyone else was all ‘No neck monster’ which is stupid… I’ve seen many a high fashion photo sans neck and this one works. The judges were on my side though, it seemed, as they loved the alluring look in her eyes. I mostly love all the spindly muscles in her back. Brenda’s most notable contribution to this episode was the challenge win… A truly hilarious fashion show involving swinging pendulums that the girls had to avoid while strutting Rachel Roy fashions. She was pretty wretched in the second photoshoot, delivering one of the worst shots.

Tatianna-

I dunno if she gave a single confessional in the entire 90 minutes, but damn if this girl can’t model! Sure, she knows jack shit about the industry (Uh durr, Megan Fox is my favorite supermodel) but when the camera is on, she rocks it. Her other photo is great… Very different from this one. I’m just thrilled that she isn’t the Tahlia lookalike she appeared to be pre-show. I don’t know if I could handle that.

Jessica-

Jessica got first call out for this shot, which I am more than okay with. The more I look at this shot, the more I like it, so maybe by tomorrow, I’ll have it higher than I do now. I think some of the appeal comes from that wind in her big hair-do, but it’s definitely pretty. In her second shot, the wind is pretty much the only good thing going on, as it made her wardrobe swoosh up around her a la Abbey Lee Kershaw’s Flora ad:

Except not Gucci, of course. Jessica, of course, was worried about doing a nude shoot, since she is full of modest Southern pride and her grandma is friends with the pastor. The pastor at the same church that ex-communicated you for getting knocked up after your first time? Who cares what that Fred Phelps wannabe thinks anyway, Jess? Let it hang out. Tyra made a new rule that allowed the recipient of the first call out from the previous panel to partake in the challenge win, no matter how shitty their performance, so Jessica got to keep her Rachel Roy dress from the fashion show too, as well as Brenda. In what is probably not a coincidence, she had the cheapest looking dress of the bunch.

Simone-

Simone literally did nothing all episode except get smashed by a pendulum and feel embarrassed. The judges complimented her skin and gave her the first ‘Resting on pretty’ of the cycle. I love her, and am requesting more screentime.

Raina-

There’s something unapologetically boobalicious about this shot, which I can dig, and she is certainly selling the ring and giving decent face, but this shot pales in comparison to her second one. Raina was the only girl to absolutely nail the wind-blown perfume ad… It’s reminiscent of one of my favorite NTM shots ever, Cassi ‘Boganista’ Van Den Dungen’s Desert Lingerie ad:

Raina was all sassy pants at the photoshoot, offering snide commentary about Malaysia (She looks preggers!) and Krista (She’s going home!) and then she served up some more sass at the start of part 2 about thinking Naduah was full of shit. Still, she never really took anything to a ‘bitch’ level… Whether that’s favorable editing or genuinely decent human being, we’ll probably never know. All I know is that after that second shot, I finally ‘get’ Raina.

Alexandra-

The judges sort of shat on her for being quick to fall back on modeling 101 and they also stamped her with a ‘retro’ vibe reminiscent of 70s supers. I still see Whitney Thompson over both of those things, but I like this shot and I don’t have any qualms with the second one either. They’re both middle of the pack for me, which is better than woefully inconsistent (looking at you, Rant!)

Alexandra had a ROUGH part 2… She fell before even getting down the steps at the pendulum shitshow and then tried to focus and ended up looking like a pudgy Lara Stone with a death stare-

Imagine that hurling down a runway at you... </3

Then, to make matters worse, she literally got slammed off the runway by a pendulum and ripped her yellow Rachel Roy dress! Like, huge ass tear. Rachel was all ‘Whatever, you can keep it’ when they gave runway critiques which was supposed to be the prize but I guess Alex’s ripped up dress was a booby prize of sorts. She, naturally, felt like shit about it but was seemingly forgiven by the judges thanks to a decent photo.

Angelea-

The judges went absolutely APESHIT for this, calling it second and declaring it ‘tear it out and hang it on the wall’ worthy. I personally think her eyes look dead and that the pose is a bit ‘Pose for your Rock of Love laminate’ but I guess I don’t work for Vogue so I have no idea what I’m talking about =)

Angelea didn’t bring the drama or the quotes this episode, which is terrible to report, seeing as how she is so much fun. She talked about her ‘hoo-ha’ showing and putting on a show for the girls because they don’t think she can do this, but that was about as far as it went. I think her comeback kid edit is going more the way of Jaslene than Marvita since this terribly average shot was so praised. I’d say her second shot was called about accurately though.

Naduah-

I kind of liked this at first, but there are lots of little flaws that bring it down for me– the Fred Flinstone toes, the sleepy eyes, the baseball mitt hands… There’s not much energy going on here. Plus, if she had hair, this would be really fug. Basically, I should have seen Naduah’s elimination coming what with the nasty edit she received right at the start of part 2– She was telling the girls about her modeling experience, how she’d walked for international fashion shows on numerous occasions and how she’d turned down Playboy but was on the streets a lot of the time, strapped for cash. Raina and Anslee didn’t buy it and basically said she was exaggerating and full of shit (dis)respectively. Silly me for believing that her cult upbringing would keep her around longer. As for her second picture… It’s really terrible. She has some sort of weird, tense mouth expression going on and she acted all twatty about how great she was going to do. And for some inexplicable reason, she was wearing a purple Mardi Gras mask in most of her confessionals after the photoshoot, which is both irrelevant and tacky, even by ANTM’s standards. Despite my love for her last week, I wasn’t too sad to see her go.

Krista-

Krista is another one that’s sort of annoyingly inconsistent… This picture is balls, but her second one was great. I think she sort of looks like Teyona but maybe after Teyona got her features scrambled around a little bit, and while Tey has grown on me, she can not afford to have her face pulled any tighter, if you know what I’m saying. Tyra thought she looked like a 1960s mannequin and that she didn’t pull off the ultra modern styling with any cool poses. One thing that improved Krista for me though was her personality about her makeover– Tyra asked her why she didn’t like it and she admitted to finding it boring but understanding that it emphasized her cheekbones. She then went on to take Tyra’s suggestion by wearing it up in a bun for the rest of the panel and the subsequent one after. When the house consists of a screaming banshee, a stinky stoner with a superiority complex, a shit-stirring, razor sharp faced mama, serious eyebrows and a bunch of quiet bitches, I’ll take mature wherever I can get it.

Gabrielle-

So, I feel kind of sad about this one but I’m not gonna lie and say it was a total shock. I actually did predict her to be out first when I saw the pre-show shots and though she improved quite a bit for me after the casting episode, she still didn’t have the potential to go much further for me. And really… This shot is bad. She looks short and unprepared for the camera. The judges made a big deal over her lack of neck, which is one of the dumbest ANTM complaints ever, and it leads to a bunch of boring Youtube users to be all ‘I don’t like this shot of *insert disgustingly fantastic high fashion model* because there’s no neck’. Yeah, you smart. Not. ALT reduced the shot to boring and catalog and ‘not the right catalog’.

And the shit-tastic prize for this week goes to…

Malaysia-

This one is SO in it for the lulz… She struck this pose and when the photographer asked her where it came from, Mr. Jay said ‘the zoo’. Then, she comes to panel wearing a huge pearl necklace, which NATURALLY made Pervy McTantan all hot and bothered which he cleverly disguised by telling her that it ‘wasn’t like a model’. More like specialty porn, amirite?! THEN, after molesting her in his mind, PT starts audibly laughing at her shot which causes her to burst into tears. Tyra hates it too.

Now seems like the perfect time to introduce ALT.

So, Andre Leon Talley is the editor at large for Vogue. Basically, he can go to whatever fashion shows he wants and give them a Miranda Priestly pursing of the lips if he so chooses and he doesn’t have to answer to Anna ‘A Dubbs’ Wintour on a daily basis. He’s also responsible for the abominable bolero that Jennifer Hudson wore when she collected her supporting actress Oscar for Dreamgirls-

UFO-Itude

Tyra introduces him, in all his gummy glory, with an over the top introduction about how influential and important he is to fashion. I stress, yet again, that Tyra cracks me up when she talks about high fashion because she had ONE Vogue cover, it was for Vogue Espana and it sucked, so she clearly knows very little about the high fashion world BUT I DIGRESS… ALT immediately secured himself a spot as most batshit judge since Janice Dickinson when he referred to Rant’s picture as a ‘woodland fantasy nymph’… Yes, because nothing screams forest friendly like a sparkly hat, ALT! He also uses the word ‘Joosh’ with a straight face.

So, back to Malaysia. The shot is being audibly laughed at by Nigel and Tyra and then ALT steps in and goes on this 30 second rant about how he’d hang this shot in his salon because it’s incredibly innovative and how he’d have a discussion about the fabulous derriere and the fabulous girl it belongs to and how he finds the shot excellent, blah blah blah. Nigel and Tyra are STILL laughing because they can’t believe someone, let alone of the big wigs at Vogue, actually likes this hideous photo. In the bottom 2, Malaysia is safe (while Gabrielle is eliminated) and Tyra specifically cites ALT’s salon as the reason for her still being here.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m glad Malaysia didn’t go. Rant bitched and moaned all episode about how loud Malaysia was and finally told her, straight up, to shut the fuck up. Malaysia went LITERALLY insane… Screaming about how Rant was overreacting and how she better never talk to her that way… I sometimes wish I typed fast enough to recount this arguments verbatim because it went something like this:

Rant- Malaysia, shut the fuck up.

Malaysia- WHAT’D YOU SAY TO ME?! WHAT?!?!?!?!??! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT. I WASN’T EVEN TALKING TO YOU. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? NOBODY TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT.

R- :/

M- WHY YOU OVERREACTING? WHY YOU YELLING?!??!?!?!

R- :/

M- BITCH, I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP. DO NOT EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, OKAY?

R- :/ I need a hit.

Since Angelea was lacking in quotes this time around, Malaysia picked up the slack for us, not just with the above ‘conversation’ but also with ‘BABY GURL, SHE FAIL TWIIIIIIIIIIIIICE’ (about Alexandra’s pair of falls at the Rachel Roy show), ‘OH DAYUM, IMBOUT TO BE IN TRUUUUUUUUUUULEEEEEEEE’ (also about the runway show, right before she goes) and ‘OH MY GAW, I THINK I GOT WATER IN MAH BRAIN’ (during the perfume photoshoot). ALT stamps Alasia’s second panel outfit as ‘dreckitude’ (he also declared Naduah to be dreckitude for being edgy looking in person but completely standard in photos, which was cited as the reason for her elimination), which is ‘dreadful with attitude’, I guess– It’s clearly his signature phrase and I’m already bored with it– but thanks to his inexplicable love for her first shot, Tyra came to her defense in her second shot which isn’t as bad as the above one but does sort of look like high fashion drooling. I also think it’s worth noting that when I type shit out, I put all of Alasia’s quotes in caps.

For those of you who follow the call outs and stuff like that, here they were:

Episode 1- Jessica, Angelea, Rant, Brenda, Simone, Tatianna, Anslee, Raina, Naduah, Alexandra, Krista.

Bottom 2- Malaysia and Gabrielle.

Eliminated- Gabrielle

Episode 2- Raina, Krista, Anslee, Tatianna, Simone, Alexandra, Angelea, Alasia, Brenda, Jessica

Bottom 2- Naduah and Ren

Eliminated- Naduah

Oh and lest I forget that apparently the Biyanka and Laura commentary in the ‘Covergirl lounge’ will be an ongoing thing to replace ‘Top Models in Action’ (since they were pretty much out of them anyway)… They let them talk right before the girls did the pendulum fashion show and Biyanka literally spoke non-stop for 9/10 of the commercial before allowing Laura to spit out five words-

THAT’LL BE WUN TUFF RUNWAY.

I know I’m not alone when I say that it was one of the most entertaining episodes in a long time.

Check back late tomorrow night for the perfume photos.

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