First things first… I apologize for not posting a recap last week. It was extremely hard to be inspired, plus there was major drama at my apartment over the weekend, so… yeah, I suck. And this week, I think I caught some of Ren’s H1N1 fierceness and I feel like death warmed over, so if anything seems uh… wonky? Blame that.

Part I-

I am left so damn uninspired by this episode of ANTM. Worst call out order in a long time, Tyra was wearing sausage casing again, and Anslee is a stank ho.

Ren left. Am I bummed? No, not really. She didn’t want to deal with the drama of the house but was there because her mom didn’t pay any attention to her and she thought this would propel her from unloved black sheep to moderately appreciated. In short, she’s an episode of The Tyra Show waiting to happen. First of all, I don’t buy it for a second. Maybe take a shower and your mom will like you a little more, Ren. Secondly, don’t go on fucking ANTM if you don’t want to deal with drama. It’s been full of this shit for thirteen cycles and it’s not going away.

On the plus side, we got to see her do ‘disco’ for her photoshoot (styles of dance) which is hilarious.

So, here are the hideous photos, in ranked order followed by relevant commentary about each of the girls–

Simone-

First of all.. Were you aware that Nigel knows all about hip-hop? Ghetto bitch Barker, that’s his name. Apparently this shot of Simone is ‘patently gauche’ in a good way, according to ALT. For those who aren’t up to do on pretentious French phrases, this either refers to her feet being cool or the fact that she is in fact wearing patent leather. Tyra thinks the shot is too safe and lacking in aggression. Yeah, well who asked you, Super Sausage? She advised Simone that hip-hop is all about being a spazz but catching a moment. Yes, and Move Yo Body is just the absolute pinnacle of this. ALT later said that this shot was full of bogus confidence. So it’s passively gauche but in a bogus way. I feel like if a white girl had taken this shot, it would have gotten a first call out, but in Tyra’s world, all black women should be able to do hip-hop. Can’t you just see Nnenna or Yaya kind of sucking at hip-hop? Not that this sucks, but hip hop is not like… not a pre-requisite for dark skin, Tyty. In other news, Simone would always choose modeling over an education. That is like choosing homelessness over a mansion, honestly. I mean, I’m against the rising cost of tuition, don’t get me wrong, but this show is not going to put the dollas in the bank. So, I lost a little respect for her there, but otherwise, I’m really irked by her edit. She won the challenge (a spread for bluefly.com and 2500 for the website) and was still in the bottom 4.

Alexandra-

She is FREAKISHLY Whitney Thompson here but she seems to be lacking the SKINNY BITCHES IZ EVIL mentality. Don’t knock it, Alex… you might win an Oscar some day. She showed a little attitude when she compared Brenda to Cynthia Nixon- which, by the way, is NOT a bad thing… Miranda nailed Blair Underwood, k?- but she is actually shaping up to be one of my favorite plus sized competitors. I mean, check out her stomach. That thing is flat. This pose is really interesting… Balance despite some killer shoes and lots of intensity, as is required for breakdancing, her assignment. She was pretty accurately called fourth, one of the few saving graces of this horrendous episode. She also hilariously interviewed about being inspired by Toccara (from Cycle 3, who guest starred and hosted the challenge about fashion, which Simone won) and her ‘character’, proof that this show is all about creating a persona for yourself.

Anslee-

Well, isn’t her personality just gross? I thought she was totally retarded when she jumped up Brenda’s ass but photographically… this girl is just a dream. Her bottom 3 appearance was one of many reasons that the call out this panel was absolutely bullshit. She received the ultra-smart critique of ‘You nailed your style of dancing [rhythmic dancing, for those interested] but it’s too literal’. So basically, ‘you were right on but you were wrong. Do as I say, not as I say’. In short, BULLSHIT. Her face looks totally calm, her limbs are graceful and long. It’s a beautiful shot.

Malaysia-

She had the easiest brief, and it’s such a ridiculous improvement over her other shots that I knew she’d get the first call out the second the pictures came out. But really, how hard is it to fuck up interpretative dancing? Throw your arms up, give some bend and you’ve got it. The judges positively creamed over this. It’s not that good. But I’ll give her credit where credit is due. She came to panel wearing a fucking BATHING SUIT, and not even like a one piece that you could possibly pull off on laundry day. No, this was one of those obscene monokini type things that makes you look more naked than if you wore a bikini. She was, unfortunately, pretty quiet for the majority of this episode, which leads me to believe that she’ll be around for a LOOOONG time since they’re apparently trying to make me believe that she’s a model and not just entertainment. So real.

There’s something sort of annoyingly cartoonish about her face. don’t you think? Like… hello huge eyes, huge lips, huge eyebrows! I think Raina is definitely going to win, but her face is even larger featured than Analeigh’s, who got the whole ‘You have a big ass nose’ critique from the dearly departed Paulina Porizkova.

Jessica-

Absolutely fucking hilarious that Tyra told her that she nailed the salsa but it’s too ‘on the nose’ to be fashion. So, do it wrong but right, okay? And make it fierce! Smize! Always making so much sense, this show. My problem with this shot is that it’s flamenco, not salsa. And it’s also bland, but that’s a step up from downright fugtastic, so props on that. ALT found this shot ‘patently gauche’, but unlike Simone’s, it’s in a bad way. This is not salon worthy. Jessica’s notable contribution to this episode was calling Simone ‘too pageanty’ which is really, really hilarious because Jessica is like a walking Strawberry Shortcake and easily the only one pretty enough to set foot in a pageant. If she’d said that Simone was… I dunno, the only one smart enough to wear a condom when she lost her v-card, then she might have a point.

Tatianna-

I don’t really care that this lacks energy or whatever, because it sort of reminds me of Lauren Brie and I’m always happy to have Tatianna NOT remind me of Tahlia. This shot, like Jessica’s, is bland but again, bland beats icky. Is it tap? No, not really… But why did they style her like a flapper if they wanted cute tap dancer? Tatianna continues to get no screen time, which leads me to believe that her ass is super vulnerable, but I like her a lot and hope that this isn’t the case.

Krista-

Krista, I don’t buy you as a model. K thanks.

Ren-

Seriously, what an asshole. I’m pretty grossed out by her weeping about hating drama despite the fact that the second everyone started calling Brenda ‘Chucky’ and ‘Cynthia Nixon’, she ran right out and ratted them all out. Hello Ren. You’re a shit-stirrer. You also are blessed with a face that photographs quite exquisitely even when her body looks like Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man. For this, no bottom two. For repugnant personality and general odor problems, I am not sad to see you go.

Angelea-

Uh, enough said?

No, but that ^ was how Angelea posed for the Bluefly go-see. Hilariously, the two creative directors posted a blog about their experience with ANTM… They praised Simone for her modeling prowess and maturity and more or less called Angelea a hideous goat. They, like me, thought she was kidding when she came in and ‘showed off’ her modeling poses.

But oh yes, her EXCELLENT photo-

Add another one to the ‘WTF’ bank. This was given ‘second call out’ and praised to high heaven for capturing ‘pain’. Is moshing really a style of dance? Is Angelea actually 40 years old? Why did the judges like this picture?

Brenda-

Disgusting. There’s really no way around it… This is hideous. ALT wished she would have stood tall like a giraffe in the Serengeti plains, but I wish I could Lacuna this out of my mind. Brenda really is a bit of a hot mess… She showed up at panel wearing her PTA finest, which was of course mocked by a woman dressed like a bratwurst and a man wearing wizard sleeves large enough to house the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team, but I digress… Her housemates compared her to Cynthia Nixon during this episode-

And like… is that really so terrible? She’s probably a little older than you want to be thought of, but ugly? She got to have sex with Blair Underwood on Sex and the City, for fuck’s sake!

Brenda was also compared to Chucky-

Who I personally find kind of fierce, despite my utter dislike for all things related to being possessed. I wish the girls had compared Brenda to this Chuckie-

So cute. Love him.

But anyway, on top of taking a nasty photo, Brenda was all weepy and bullshitty after ‘I hate Drama’ Ren told her that a few of the girls thought she looked like Chucky/Cynthia Nixon. Brenda flips out about this and being called ‘ugly’, Anslee is all ‘Uh, nobody called you ugly’… They fight, blah blah blah. Best part of this was Brenda saying that the girls mocking her makeover was akin to mocking Tyra since she was the one who chose the hairstyle for Brenda. Girl, Tyra has been choosing makeunders for ages now… In fact, I have been mocking Tyra since Cycle 3 for her ‘vision’ and so far, my ribs are all in tact. Nice try, but no.

So, to recap the recap… That was MY personal call out… here’s the shitshow (NAHT dreckitude… I refuse to go there) that the judges came up with-

FCO- Malaysia

Corngelea (I’ve decided I like it… I miss her ugly ass corns), Jessica, Alexandra, Krista, Raina, Tatianna, Simone, Anslee

Bottom 2- Rant and Chuckie.

Just kill me now. If Corngelea wins this shit, I may have to bleed out with a plastic butter knife.

***************************************************************************

Part II-

Hello! Just when you thought this show couldn’t get any worse… It gets worse! The current frontrunner in this competition wore this:

to panel last week and then again to an acting challenge. And the tall, slim model who was picked to represent print for Bluefly.com… eliminated. While people like Corngelea live on.

Maddd worrrrld.

The whole episode was sort of like one big period joke… Since the photoshoot involved them lying in a bathtub full of ‘blood’ (corn syrup and dye)… And then Brenda (who desperately needs a nickname that properly expresses her face that is constantly in a state of weepy bullshit) capped it all off by saying that she’d ‘never had anything in her eye before’. Bahahahaha, FANTASTIC. The girls had to wear white-out contacts, which made them completely blind and I wondered (out loud) what a contestant would do if she were deaf and therefore the cycle’s sob story… Would she basically just have to be Helen Keller on the rag?

The editing was lazy again… Brenda gave the first confessional but we all knew that she wasn’t going to get a new makeover and then be eliminated, so the bottom 2 was instantly predictable with Anslee and Simone giving the next two confessionals. Speaking of Brenda’s new makeover… Lawd, I worry that they’re just going to shave her damn head next. She doesn’t have much hair left to chop off. Last thing we need is another fucking Naduah. Maybe this is unpopular, but I thought she looked infinitely better with her long hair. I don’t understand how she looks so common when with her fiery red color, she’s more unique than someone like Jessica.

Only two real notable things took place in this episode… The girls had to take part in a Covergirl commercial, but instead of the usual butchering of lines, they just had to mug for the camera while voiceover rolled. Everyone was boring except Tatianna, who got into it by rocking it like she was on stage with nothing but a pole and a g-string. It was the first time she really showed any personality and surprisingly, she won the challenge! The second notable thing was a fight that was even better (pffffthaaaaaaaaaa) than the one between Rant and Malaysia. In short, Malaysia left a bowl of what looked like frozen peas and corn on the kitchen counter. Anslee didn’t want them to spoil by sitting out and called Malaysia ‘sweetheart’ and told her to put them in the fridge. This sounds innocent, except that Anslee is one of those patronizing little douchebags and her ‘sweetheart’ was totally condescending. I can sympathize with Malaysia there, since I used to work with this dumb bitch who used to call everyone ‘honey’ even though we were all her age. But that ended quickly when Malaysia immediately jumped back to her ‘Do not speak to me that way’ defense that she used with Rant and then brought Anslee’s parenting skills into the picture.

This, as you would imagine, did not go over with Anslee and she FLIPPED out. It probably didn’t help matters much when Malaysia got ANOTHER first call out and Anslee landed in the bottom 2, not just for a lackluster photo but also for making excuses for her shitty performance both at the challenge but also on the photoshoot. Anslee, you are NOT Jade and therefore, your excuses are worthless to everyone.

But still, it was Simone who bit the dust. I think it’s safe to say that Tyra only likes black women who are screaming banshees. Case in point? Yaya. Case in point again? Eugena. Case in point AGAIN? Simone. Danielle might be the exception, since she is awesome.

The photos-

Raina-

Y’know what? Raina is all I really have left in this cycle. As nasty as she is, Anslee is not winning, and everyone else is such a disappointment in one way or another, and Raina is the only plausible one left to root for. I love this photo… Intense pose, nice face.

Malaysia-

Surprising, yes? Well, unlike last week, this is actually a great photo. I wish her legs weren’t quite as uh… splayed open? But it’s the only flaw here. I like her face… She actually looks kind of pretty despite the whole sensory deprivation thing and she connects with the male model. I can support this first call out. She, naturally, is still getting buckets of hatred because ALT shows ridiculous favoritism towards her AND because everyone who received two simultaneous first call outs made the top 3 except Furonda in Cycle 6 so everyone is wary of that, BUT… If she can turn out photos like this, she is welcome to stay.

Moving right along…

Brenda-

I may have mentioned that I want to slap her in her weepy face. This, however, is not weepy. It’s bizarrely hot… Her hands are working it with the male model and I love her expression. Not to mention, it’s such an upgrade from last panel that I can’t help but be thrilled. I think her coloring and stuff was best suited for a shoot like this.

Jessica-

She got the ‘Too safe’ thing from ALT… But I officially could give a rat’s ass what Gummo thinks anyway. She actually bears a passing resemblance to Kristen Stewart, which, in a vampire themed shot, isn’t the worst thing you could do. I think her arms make this very interesting.

Anslee-

Don’t get me wrong… This is not a good picture, but she doesn’t have a sort of soggy, unattractive thing going on with her face nor is she mannequin chic. This is sort of like Brokeback Mountain: The True Blood version since Anslee looks like a dude here who accidentally landed in a dead chick’s extremely messy afterbirth. I can’t help but like her photographically, even though she makes it increasingly hard to defend her with that stanky personality.

Simone-

Yeah, y’know… Neither of them deserved the bottom 2. This is a little stiff, yes… But there’s a great body there and a face that is aesthetically pleasing. Her elimination sucks.

Corngelea-

I initially thought this was the worst, but I actually sort of like her face… It’s very sad, which is totally wrong for this shoot but it’s also not downright gross to look at. The failure of this shot comes in her lifeless looking feet. Perhaps her corns were especially heavy that day.

Alexandra-

She was shat on for daring to do the ‘semi profile, looking over one shoulder, lean back’ thing a whopping TWO times (just wait until you have to do a beauty shot and they choose your most semen-y one, Alex!) but they should have commented on how she looks puffy and soggy. Yes, soggy. It’s the only way to describe what’s going on with her face here. I do like her and hope that this is a fluke though.

Krista-

I LOVED how Tyra made fun of Krista’s mouth in this picture… It really is sort of dinosaur-ish. I don’t like how she’s just lying there chilling with her legs crossed. I suppose the one plus is that she looks tall and uh… not soggy.

Tatianna-

If Alexandra’s shot was soggy, Tatianna’s is drenched. There is just something so straight up disgusting about her face… Like she’s got an extra chromosome going on. Her pose is okay but it doesn’t make up for her face. I’m glad she was called so high though though, since she did win the challenge and is miles better than pretty much everyone but Raina.

Anslee (3)- 2/2/3/5

Raina (3.5)- 7/1/5/1

Simone (4.7)- 6/6/1/6

Alexandra (5.2)- 8/3/2/8

Jessica (5.7)- 5/8/6/4

Tatianna (6.5)- 4/5/7/10

Brenda (6.7)- 3/10/11/3

Ren (7.3)- 1/12/9

Alasia (7.5)- 13/11/4/2

Krista (8.2)- 11/4/9/9

Angelea (8.2)- 9/7/10/7

Naduah (9.5)- 10/9

Gabrielle- 12

Again, I apologize for the lack of witty material. They honestly didn’t give me much to work with this week and I am more than a little under the weather. To bulk part II up, I’ve decided to include the raw potential photos from the casting episode. Obviously, Rant is missing since she was hand-picked.

Malaysia-

Awww, how pretty. Who knew her ass picture was first to follow?

Makeover– About the same. I like the big hair.

Alexandra–

Lovely. Super pretty and the type of girl that people can relate to.

Makeover- She’s blonder, right? Yeah, that’s fine.

Anslee-

HAHAHAHAHA what the fuck is up with that face? It’s like she’s got a massive shit to take and can smell her farts or something. Yuck.

Makeover- A massive improvement.

Brenda-

Sigh. So much hotter like this.

Makeover- Big mistake.

Gabrielle-

You liked Freja Beha Erichsen. I miss you, and I didn’t think I would ever say that.

Makeover- I prefer the red.

Jessica-

Without a doubt, the prettiest girl this cycle.

Makeover- She looks good both ways. I think her personality is better suited for blonde though.

Krista-

I still don’t like her, but this is a good picture. She looks sassy.

Makeover- She never wears that stupid ass ponytail anyway, so who am I to judge?

Naduah-

AHHHH, BELLADONNA. DO NOT WANT DO NOT WANT DO NOT WANT… BE GONE!

Makeover- DON’T CARE, MAKE IT GO AWAY.

Raina-

She’s cute! You really notice those brows, dontcha?

Makeover- I… like the blonde.

Simone-

She still reminds me of someone… Angela Bassett, maybe? Regardless… I love her.

Makeover- Twas weird, but good.

Tatianna-

This picture is pretty crappy, but she’s a lovely girl.

Makeover- Despite giving me thoughts of She who must not be named, I do like the blonde on her.

And lastly… A peek at my original predictions:

13th- Gabrielle

12th- Simone

11th- Brenda

10th-Krista

9th- Alexandra

8th- Naduah

7th- Anslee

6th- Angelea

5th-Jessica

4th- Tatianna

3rd- Ren

2nd- Alasia

Winner- Raina

Hmmmm… These REALLY aren’t that bad. Obviously Ren in third was a mistake but I don’t think many were predicting Gabrielle and Simone out so soon! I think Raina is definitely winning. What are your thoughts? Please sound off! I appreciate all your nice comments this week… Hope this makes it up to you, readers!

Lastly… This is for a reader named Cricket who wanted to read about Bluefly’s take on the go-see. Check it out here.

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