I promised to come back and write something if Trangelea didn’t win. Well, she didn’t win. Unfortunately, the winner isn’t really that much better. Andre Leon Fucktard can tell me over and over again that Krista is the picture of high fashion perfection, but uh…

THIS BITCH IS OLD AS DIRT. She looks like Bill Cosby.

So, as expected… there was really no shot at redeeming this shitshow of a cycle. Raina was our only hope, but ALF (yeah, you read that right. Talley this, Fucktard) solidified what we already knew was coming when he got all crybaby bullshit over Krista’s ugly-pretty photo, which earned her her FOURTH first call out in a row.

So, we’ll work backwards… Here are the Covergirl photos–

Fucking stunning. She’s like the 21st century answer to Brooke Shields. I want her eyes. I don’t see the annoying six year old that was so overused during the two hour waste of my life. ALF wasn’t wowed. Want to see what wows the caped crusader?

Uh, right. It’s a nice picture, I guess. Delicious skin, as always. But Covergirl? People are saying that the cold, ‘Ima cut you’ thing makes this the worst CG picture of all time, which I passionately disagree with but how is this shot something to universally praise while the shot that does perfectly embody the brand gets your shit all over it. Vogue or not… ALF and I are not speaking, and he makes me wish the dragalicious J Alexander.

But in all seriousness, ALT’s raging favoritism was pretty evident last night. I’m not saying it was a racial thing, because hey, Twiggy was probably a white supremacist under all that ‘the camera loves you’ bullshit, but like it or not, he was up Krista’s ass last night. My favorite part of the whole judges bantering was him tagging Krista as appropriate for international work and then saying that Raina would have success in an English market.

Uh, and is Europe not international?

So blah blah blah, Krista won, thus breaking the whole ‘every 3 cycles, a black girl wins’ pattern and also bringing back the ‘runner up is better than the winner’ trend that ANTM was so fond of in cycles 9 and 10. Is Krista as bad as Tootie or Titney? Fuck no. Raina isn’t exactly Anya either, so the win isn’t as insulting, but this finale just left me wildly… indifferent. I felt no urge to talk bitchily with my fellow obsessed friends, nor did I want to have a party like I did last cycle. Krista can feel special in that she’s now the token old person in Tyra’s china cabinet of diverse winners. Somewhere, Renee, Melrose and Celia are spitting nails.

But the best part of the episode?!

THIS BITCH LOST!

And you know who played a huge hand in it?

Jay Manuel, that’s who. I know I loved that orange fucker.

The disappointing thing is that she wasn’t eliminated for one of the most truly hilarious photos in ANTM history, but rather because the judges thought she ‘needed’ this competition too much and wouldn’t do anything without it. So… they eliminated her? Seems weird, but it took care of my problem. The best part, besides the actual realization that this bitch was gone, baby gone, was when Tyra did some weird tangent about ANTM jumpstarting the careers of girls that didn’t win. In rapid succession, she praised the post-show work of Fatima, Anya and Katarzyna… all from Cycle 10. Wait, what… are we questioning the staying power of your favorite ham, Tyra?

But back to Trangelea… As soon as she was gone, I instantly loved her . Really, once they stopped trying to insist that she was a model, she became instantly cooler. She had perhaps the line of the night to Krista about Raina’s walk–

‘She walk like a linebacker, bitch’

Truer words were never spoken, Trangelea.

As with last cycle, there was a useless double elimination at the final 4… thus only giving us only 2 Covergirl photos and not serving any other purpose. The lovely and amazing Alexandra, who deserved to be in the final 2 after completely OWNING last panel, was of course eliminated because she did not inspire or something else from the bag of ANTM tricks.

All I can say is that I’m thrilled that this cycle is over. My pre-show favorite turned out to be unwashed and whiny… Belladonna tried to warm her way into hearts with that fucked up accent of hers… Gorgeous contenders like Simone were dropped for Trangelea… and then someone older than my grandma won.

Bring on Cycle 15.

One last thing before I get to ranking three weeks of photos… An Anna Sui fashion show… Really? Anna must have owed ALT a favor because what well established designer would want these hot messes walking in their show? National exposure or not… Being on ANTM isn’t exactly the best way to jump-start any career.

And in case anyone is interested, here is where Krista ranks among the winners, for me:

1. Nicole Foxy- Cycle 13

2. McKey Sullivan- Cycle 11

3. Danielle Evans- Cycle 6

4. Nicole Linkletter- Cycle 5

5. Adrianne Curry- Cycle 1

6. Jaslene Gonzalez- Cycle 8

7. Yoanna House- Cycle 2

8. Teyona Anderson- Cycle 12

9. Naima Mora- Cycle 4

10. Eva Pigford- Cycle 3

11. Krista White- Cycle 14

12. CariDee English-Cycle 7

13. Saleisha Stowers- Cycle 9

14. Whitney Thompson- Cycle 10

So, the photos, starting with the final 4 doing ‘ugly pretty’-

Ew.

Ew.

Ew.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I mean, I’m almost psyched by this picture… She didn’t win, after all, so I’m grateful that she delivered something so mind-bogglingly terrible. It was the best comic relief of the night. I mean, why is it so weirdly blurry?

So, why the ‘ews’ after all of the others? Because this just didn’t work… They dressed the girls up in these weird outfits with this hideous makeup and then told them to purposely try and look gross? Raina was actually criticized for looking too pretty, even though all I see is wonky eyes, and not in a Cycle 13 way. In terms of fucking ugly, Trangelea nailed it…. But it’s such a ridiculous picture that I can’t actually praise it, can I? Unlike the ANTM judges… I have dignity. So yeah, fuck that. If I had to choose a favorite, it’d probably be Alexandra, for semi-channeling Lara Stone. Not doppelganger or anything, but at least evoking a similar feel. And yes, the shot of Krista is the one that had ALF all choked up and claiming that she could book Jean Paul Gaultier campaigns or something? I guess I’m not fierce enough to see that.

Moving right along… Shadow-y hobbit pictures:

This is STUNNING… Nothing negative to say… I have it as my desktop background. Easily the best shot by a plussie since Sarah H’s flower picture, but I might actually like this one better.

This was bottom 2, but I find it supremely creepy and cold… Raina looks like a wolf.

She is apparently ‘inhaling a secret’ and thusly, this shot explained to Tyra how a virgin made a baby. Yeah. Someone needs to sit that girl down and tell her how babies are made. Anyway, despite all the distracting shadows, I find this beautiful. Someone from my forum colorized it and it’s even prettier-

This got first call out, and while there’s nothing WRONG with it, by any stretch of the imagination, I just don’t find it as aesthetically pleasing as the other three. She looks like Omahyra Mota, who is one of my least favorite models working today.

And of course, down in the dregs, we have-

Looking like a manly ghost, EH BUBBA?! In all fairness, this is a huge step up from her usual shots, but it’s still ugly because… Trangelea is a mess. But it’s nothing compared to some of her other messes.

And then, before these shadowy pictures… We had some sheep fetish bullshit, in which Raina was robbed of yet another first call out.

I know that I said I didn’t get her appeal at the beginning, but that face is undeniably gorgeous. Body issues aside, this picture is an editorial waiting to happen.

Eeeeeeew, man face. But that pose and the volume of the dress… Meeee-ow. I dig that. This, like all her other New Zealand shots, got a first call out among the judges. It’s pretty good, but not as good as Raina’s.

Face is lacking, although not the way the judges said… They really did shit on her for being commercial, despite that she delivered some of the most high fashion shots of the cycle. The movement in her dress is lovely.

This sheepgasm has grown on me… I originally found it to be utterly bizarre that she’s apparently moaning while grasping at the sheep, but it works, in an utterly bizarre kind of way.

Again, this is only bad because Trangelea is a mess… Her movement is actually pretty good but her face is lots of nothingness. And I don’t care how many go-sees that bitch booked, she is still no model.

And sadly…

Poor Malaysia. She’d just started growing on me and stuff but then she delivers this… Meh face, shapeless body underneath the massive dress. These shots have actually all gotten better with time, so I’m not grossed out by this or anything, but it’s the worst of the bunch. See, I didn’t put Trangelea last! I’m so nice.

Call-Out Averages for the Cycle-

Raina (2.6)- 5/1/5/2/3/3/2/1/2/2
Jessica (4.3)- 6/7/6/4/1/5/4/3/3
Anslee (4.4)- 2/2/4/5/5/8/5
Alexandra (4.5)- 8/3/1/8/6/7/6/4/1/1
Malaysia (5.1)- 13/11/3/1/2/4/1/6
Krista (5.4)- 11/4/8/9/8/2/3/2/4/3
Simone (5.5)- 7/6/2/7
Brenda (6.1)- 3/10/11/3/4/6
Trangelea (6.2)- 9/8/10/6/7/1/7/5/5/4
Tatianna (7)- 4/5/7/10/9
Rant (7.3)- 1/12/9
Naduah (9.5)- 10/9
Gabrielle- 12

No, no Covergirl shots… They weren’t judged at panel, so I won’t either. Raina pwns. Yes, some of these callouts are different from what I’ve posted previously. I almost always change my mind in retrospect. Yeah, so what a mess that is… Only Raina did exceptional, but compared to last cycle’s Foxy average, that’s kid stuff.

And also, just for kicks… my elimination order-

13th- Gabrielle- Malaysia has the worst photo by far, but Malaysia more then earned her place with her later photos. Gabrielle’s fish face didn’t impress me pre-show, and it wouldn’t in the photoshoots either.

12th- Naduah- That bitch creeped me out. Rant had the worst photo by far, but she also had the best one the week before.

11th- Ren- Not to agree with Tyra or anything here, but there’s that whole ‘I don’t want to be here’ plus two shitty photos in a row. The attitude is the only thing that cans her over Brenda or Trangelea

10th- Trangelea- Tatianna has the worst photo and Trangelea has yet to impress. I’d miss the Covergirl, but I’m big on eliminating the problem before it’s an epidemic.

9th- Krista- She didn’t start to do well until New Zealand and at this point, she delivers a mediocre shot after… a bunch of other mediocre shots. Not enough to keep her over Tatianna, who at least had a strong start

8th- Brenda- I don’t hate her photo but her weepy shit and her inconsistent photos would be her downfall, even over Anslee, who was slipping fast.

7th- Tatianna- She really lost it after a strong start… Was it the stupid photoshoots or her general cluelessness? Hard to say… As is evidenced by the failure of her faux fashion shot, something like this might have really been terrible. I like her, but this is as far as she goes.

6th- Anslee- I, like Tyra, am a fan of her face. But she never really got quite back on track after her bottom 2 in the vampire photoshoot.

5th- Malaysia- Talk about improvement… I never would have thought she’d get this far, but I find her straight up hilarious and her pictures were great. Still, worst photo the week before, we know that Jess, Raina and Alexandra had great shadow photos and then a general love for Simone put Malaysia at 5th.

4th- Simone- She looked the most like a model, but some of the stupid claims about her being ‘too safe’ may have rang true in this ugly pretty stupid photoshoot.

4th- Jessica- Basically, same thing as Simone. Alexandra’s tremendous combat of New Zealand makes her deserving of the top 2.

Runner-Up- Alexandra- Without question, the best plussie the show has ever seen. Face and body that doesn’t quit. Beautiful photos. Love this bitch.

Winner- Raina- The most consistent, stunning face, fashion forward appeal. Love her too.

So, this is it for Cycle 14… Thank god. I’m glad it’s over. Looking forward to Cycle 15.

Simone, Anslee, Jessica, Alasia, Raina, Alexandra

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