So, I’ve been on a huge writing kick lately. I don’t know what it is… But I just feel like writing even when there’s potentially better things to be doing. I went back, out of boredom, and read my old cycle 10 entries back before anyone read this blog and they’re a snooze and a half. Not nearly enough snark, and my opinions have changed drastically. I’m obviously going to leave the old entries up (if anyone wants to see what non bitchy AKA boring Amanda writing is like, check them out) but I’m going to do new entries in addition to Austraya. Also, some people have asked if I’m ever going to finish Cycles 4 and 9 and the answer is yes. I just don’t know when. But eventually, every single ANTM contestant will have been snarked about.

Kicking things off… We have the homeless chic photoshoot featuring everyone’s favorite tranny– Isis– before she was humiliated on ANTM and forced to do several photoshoots requiring swimwear. Guys, have you ever tried to tuck your member into a tiny little bikini bottom? Brief wearers represent, now put your hands up!

The concept was pretty simple… Wear baggy, drab colored clothes but make it fierce. Of course.

Pretty awesome… Not gonna lie. If you don’t mind the fact that it totally exploits the actual issue of homelessness. Way to bring awareness to the issue, TyTy… Did everyone know that Tyra pretended to be homeless for one day on her talk show? One fucking day? That’s like going out without showering and hitting the bars and not making it back until like 5 am. And dude, she probably had Starbucks before being homeless for one day. What a hack.

MOVING ALONG…

My favorite shot of the week easily goes to-

Aimee-

That pose, that pose, THAT POSE! The hands in the pockets thing is just quintessential high fashion runway 101 and it makes her hideous outfit look like couture. I love the slightly pissed off expression, especially on her, since she’s such an apple pie girl. The beret looks great too. Beautiful start.

My girlfriend, Anya-

Anya’s greatest asset throughout the cycle is her ability to create interesting body shapes without looking stupid in the face. We’ve all seen it… So and so bends her body into a pretzel but the face is all IS THIS HOT?! It’s not even patently gauche, darling. Whatever the fuck that means. Back to Anya. Like before, I still have a huge crush on her… I think the closeup is downright lovely and the aforementioned body shape is excellent.

Katarzyna-

After much consideration… Katarzyna is pretty overrated on the show because of her illustrious post show career, but this shot is awesome. The dumpy clothes actually flatter her body, which is a testament to her figure, and I love the hands in her hair. They draw attention to what is a lovely facial expression– serene and pretty.

Claire-

I think it’s pretty obvious that Claire is a man. But I am loving every boyish inch of this, from the quirky pose in the board shorts to the intensity in the facial expression. She doesn’t look contrived, which I appreciate, although it could work in this particular scenario (see: Fatima) and not be seen as cheesy.

Fatima-

So, I just praised Claire for not looking contrived and then put Fatima’s sad homeless person shot right under it but fuck it, I do what I want. Fatima, despite a fluffy orange mop, has a beautiful enough face to pull off this emo homelessness thing and it looks real, not just for like a day. She looks cold and sad, but it works.

Whitney-

I am not a fan of the Almighty Gasping Pear… She was not legitimately plus sized and her win is a farce BUT! I shall give her credit where it’s due and this is pretty good. Her slightly agape mouth doesn’t hinder anything here and I do appreciate that the pose emphasizes some curves despite such baggy clothing. This is also a great time to point out how her hair looked about 2493483948x better brown and the blonde only made her look like Anna Nicole Smith minus the pill addiction.

Marvita-

Marvita is just the cutest! I have a newfound love for just about everything about her thanks to numerous rewatches of the cycle. Her eyebrows are perhaps needing a pluck, but giiiirl, I suffer from that constantly so I ain’t gonna fault you there. I love how she’s just sort of standing there obviously… Something that wouldn’t necessarily work for everyone but thanks to her tough expression, it just comes together.

Kimberly-

Bless her little heart… For those who didn’t ever hear what the real deal on her was– She went on ANTM after her boyfriend committed suicide as a means of distraction, hoping to pull out of the depression she was obviously dealing with. A week went by and she realized it wasn’t going to help but she didn’t want to display her dirty laundry on ANTM so she just made up some bullshit excuse and quit. At first I was like hmmm, BS? but despite the whole dumb blonde thing she displayed extraordinarily well on the show, she presented this all quite eloquently on Tyra’s talk show after she had sought out some therapy and stuff. Anyway, to the photo… Love the pose… It’s interesting without falling into that IS THIS FIERCE?! IS THIS HOT?! thing that I love so much. The face, however, is one of those possessed, staring at bright lights kind of things. I would have loved for her to stay but if her heart wasn’t in it, I am glad she left for her sanity’s sake.

Stacy Ann-

DOOO DOOOO DOOOO DOOOO DOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Her audition remains one of the best of all time, and so I find myself constantly wishing for that level of excitement from her photos. This is average… Decent pose, decent face but nothing about it stands out as great or enthralling for me. I hate the automatic dismissal of Modeling 101 but she really does sort of embody that here with that HAYYYY GUUUUURLLL pose.

Lauren-

D-D-D-DOWNGRADE. You’ll see a lot of that in regards to me and Lauren and it’s not entirely because of her disgusting personality. What really happened is that I realized that I’d fallen victim to one of ANTM’s classics… Thinking the weird awkward girl is automatically the best because instead of delivering some painful and bumbling mess of a picture, she delivered something adequate and thus must be given extra praise! No way, jose! (<3 Amis) Autism, 4chan icon, bloody eyeball, Bride of Frankenstein… All held on the same standard. So, Lauren’s skin is actually the best part of this shot for me. She has nice bone structure but I mostly just see an oddly positioned neck and an expression that borders on cross eyed. The pose doesn’t do much for me.

Allison-

This is totally proof that I’ve mended some of my old ways because when I originally did Cycle 10, I put her dead last for both of her photoshoots. Hmmm, could this have to do with the fact that she’s a total twatbitch racist? PERHAPS! But alas, this a modeling competition and while her shot looks like a cold and pathetic Sarah Silverman, I can’t, in good conscience, say it’s the worst. Isis, penis and all, looks more interesting than her though.

Atalya-

Wait, who the fuck was this again? This picture is about as interesting and memorable as she was. She looks okay… The face is okay… The pose is okay… It’s not particularly pretty, flattering, interesting or worth talking about.

Moving onto the bottom two-

Dominique-

Rouuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhh start for this one. It’s ultimately just a showcase of bad stuff about Dominique… Tranny face, pose that completely shortens her body… Yuck. I mean, don’t get me wrong, her tranny babbling about being Mother Theresa but in a diva kind of way makes my life but this shot has been airbrushed for hours and she still looks about 5’6. If I was Designer L’Homeless, I’d be pissed as fuck about the way she’s wearing my homeless chic garments. I’d say that she’s actually least effective as a model.

BUT, HERE COMES OUT LAST PLACE SHOT-

Amis-

First of all… I really want to refer to her as Anus from now on. I see a slight fluttering of hope from this shot, which is great seeing as how I think Anus is so damn adorable and I just want to hug her, even if she does smell like butt. See, that weird possessed looking in the light face just doesn’t work even if you do have a great face. It just reeks of unfocused-ness. Also, as much as I love a girl who can rock rain boots… The pose is bland. The hands in the pockets worked for Aimee because she’s giving shape and depth to the clothes she’s wearing but Anus isn’t doing that. The plus side (not to be confused with plus size!) is that she doesn’t look short so it’s really her expression that’s brought her down to last place.

Elimination- I’d definitely axe Atalya, just like on the show… Dominique and Anus had the worst shots, without question, but they brought something to the table… Personalities that didn’t make me want to take a midday nap.

I’ve decided to discontinue the call out averages until the end of the cycle just because it’s altogether too much math for my English oriented brain. I hope everyone enjoys this trip down Nostalgia Lane. Second installment will be sometime after my Australia recap goes up!

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