*Sorry about the delay on this… I was hit by a major bout of self consciousness because of my piss poor coverage of Cycle 14, so I hope this was worth the wait… I’ll try and work more diligently for the rest of the cycle*

Cycle 15 literally came out of nowhere! I was in the middle of writing a post about Australia’s and found out that the premiere was on in four hours! Color me surprised.

Maybe it’s because I wasn’t invested in those bizarrely cropped pre-show photos but now I finally feel like I can give at least SOME witty banter about each of the girls thanks to auditions and all of that.

Before I go there though… Can I just say that I find it really hilarious that after 14 cycles, ANTM is finally trying to legitimize itself? It’s like ‘Uh, we’re sorry about pretending that Seventeen and a Covergirl shot that was put in roughly zero stores nationwide would launch a career, so we’re changing shit up!’ Although, finally, the winner of this show has something more than handful of cheesy prizes to look forward to. Whoever wins may not be the next Sasha Pivovarova, but not everyone can say they had a spread in Vogue Italia.

So, I’m going to recap the girls, starting with my least favorite and working up-

Sara-

Uh yeah, no I don’t. The title of this entry is dedicated to Sara and her only notable contribution to my ANTM life as of yet– Posting an angry Facebook status about ‘jelous bloggers’ hating on her for pursuing her dream. I often wonder, when people use the whole ‘I’m following my dream’ thing, what the fuck show these girls are watching. They didn’t know that this cycle was actually going to have decent prizes when they signed up! Yes, following the dream of being, for the most part, unemployed? How ambitious of you!

On top of her poor spelling skills, Sara seems like one of those people who doesn’t know when too much is enough. She came in to her audition with this scary, thundering voice to deliver a rap that literally just meshed together and sounded like roaring. She will either be out first for being as boring as dry toast or she’ll make it way too far.

She gets the slightest props for choosing Diet Coke as her survival item on a desert island.

Kacey-

This bitch was back for all of five minutes and she started stirring shit up, talking about how Jordan (the most repulsive semi-finalist of all time, btw) didn’t want to be there and then pinning the very concept on Lexie. Hating on Lexie is a sin punishable by death, first of all… but I do like drama, so it wasn’t necessarily the way this all went down that turned me off but REALLY?! YOU SAY YOU’VE MATURED AND THIS IS HOW WE START THINGS?

I see Kacey as a video hoe with nice cheekbones. She’s attractive, but she’s not special. The judges have already sealed her fate by talking about her massive eye bags (not to be confused with Esther’s funbags!) and how aged she looks, and usually that shit is saved for a few episodes in. Can’t say I’ll miss her when she’s gone!

Final thoughts on this bitch– We didn’t want her in Cycle 11 when she was making comments about Isis’ penis (LOVED when Miss. J saw her and was all ‘Your boyfriend just texted me… He’s out with Isis!’ By far his funniest joke in legit years) so why would we want her in a Vogue cycle? Don’t let the door hit you on the eyebag, Kacey.

Hoo child.

Terra-

She’s the older and more jank of the sister gimmick. They collectively remind me a bit of Jack’ee Harvey, the mom from Sister, Sister. Color me stone faced, but I’m over their whole act already. You can’t tell me that there aren’t some funny sisters out there that actually look like models.

I just look at this and see a cousin of ShaRaun… Gross. She was called last into the house at the semi-finals and when her name was finally called, she and her sister about shit the bed freaking out. Wait, didn’t you both say that it didn’t matter if you both made it? So much drama. So over it.

Lastly, whenever I look at pictures of Terra, I think of Tyra mimicking Krista’s vampire picture and saying ‘I smell dookie’. I think that says it all when it comes to Terra.

Chris-

Hardly an upgrade from her sister, but I can see her being stronger in the inevitable side by side comparisons that will come fast and loose until their eliminations. Is it bad that I am DYING to see them in a double elimination together? Preferably with Rhianna: ‘Chris, you may have beaten Rhianna….. *long pause* at the challenge, but you and your sister are eliminated’.

I didn’t follow that whole ‘tick tick flash’ thing or whatever she was going on about in their audition and would be hard pressed to tell you what it all meant because I was pretty much already cross eyed from the whole ordeal. Boo hiss, Amanda’s a hater.

Also, check this hot picture out!

GIVE HER THE PRIZE ALREADY, Y’ALL!

Liz-

HUGE problems with this one right from the start. To all my welfare receiving fans out there, stop reading this shit and get a job because you’re going to hate me by the time I’m done dissecting Liz.

She admits to receiving food stamps and government assistance, which I take huge offense to, kid or not, because she COULD stop getting piercings and buying gladiator sandals AND GOING ON A CRAPPY REALITY TV SHOW and then she wouldn’t need to take freebies from tax payers. WORST OF ALL… Tyra tells her that admitting she’s a mooching slug is ‘noble’. This is the same woman who practically sneers at anyone with an education. Oh, piss on you for going to an Ivy League school but GO FOOD STAMPS. I work at a shitty fast food job too and it pisses me off to know that my deductions are going to people like Liz.

Plus, she looks like Prince.

Rhianna-

So, she was my ultimate dead last pick because she reminds me of this bitch that my former roommate used to bang and said bitch was effing disgusting… We all called her Slut Tits behind her back because she was just dough faced and repugnant to boot. A few things have boosted Rhianna in my opinion though…

1. She registered on RTVGames as ‘Antmdirtysanchez’… That is so boldly profane and disgusting that I can’t help but admire her for it.

2. This chick can pose… Tyra told her to pose like a weeping willow and she sunk into this fantastic representation without having to be like IS DIS FIERCE?!

3. Her body is as great as her face is gross. I still don’t like her ill attempt at Blossom what with all those hats but I’m almost willing to forgive it because she is tall and thin.

Tyra wants to call her ‘Willow’ thanks to that aforementioned imitation of a willow tree that she did. Since I doubt I’m going to get any Rhianna/Chris jokes out of this cycle, I will potentially be embracing this. Either that or she’s Dirty Sanchez.

Lexie-

After reading her posts on RTVGames and formspring, I can safely say that this is one cool chick. I would love to put her higher but I can’t embrace her look just yet. She’s still a little too long faced, although she does appear to have all of her chromosomes– what a pleasant surprise!

I dig that she’s gracious to fans… In the above GIF, that middle finger is to Cycle 7’s Melrose for being a snot nosed fuck face to ANTM worshippers. I love this.

Lexie got kind of a stealth bitch edit in the first episode, but I wasn’t too perturbed by this. So she hated that blockhead semi finalist Jordan? Dude, so did everyone with a brain. I’m anxious to see where she goes from here for me.

Ann-

Ann both terrifies and annoys me, but I do have some hope for her. She is one of those quintessential weird girls– All dreary, stoned sounding voice, kind of like Nicole Fox only about 40938492304 times less hot. I suspect that she has Marfan syndrome, actually. No offense intended.

Ann caused controversy because Tyra ‘Kiss my fat ass!’ Banks was all googly eyed over Ann’s tiny waist (reportedly the smallest in the world?), which caused all the ‘Obese is beautiful too!’ people to get up on their high horses and act disgraced by the very notion that someone tall and thin was trying to be a model. The horror.

For real though… Ann needs a lot of work. And 6’2 is hella tall– I know that Karlie Kloss is 6’0, and Tiiu Kuik is 6’1 but I can’t think of any models that are 6’2. When you’re already a giant, that one inch makes a difference.

Kayla-

I can already see my love for her rising exponentially (especially after seeing the preview for episode 2… She makes my heart flutter a little bit). I loved that she came into the audition with ramen noodle hair. The fact that she couldn’t walk in the room without making a wrong turn plus her white blonde hair kind of reminded me of Anya, which is ALWAYS a wonderful thing.

And, she also is the first sob story of the cycle! I totally stole this from RTVGames but it’s so funny that I had to-

Apparently our curly haired little pumpkin slept in a sleeping bag until she was 13 because her mom was poor. She should have taken a page out of Liz’s book and stolen my tax dollars. Oh wait, fuck everyone who does that.

Esther-

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS!

BOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBS

What else is there to say about her except that she’s super pretty and owns amazing bras? My guess right now is that she’ll be praised initially for keeping the puppies under control but will then be eliminated for being too busty. As if her tits grew four cup sizes during the show.

Kendal-

She has probably the smallest chance of winning thanks to looking like a less prehistoric version of Krista from last cycle.

They really are alike– Krista voiced her disdain with white penises in her audition and Kendal hates semen. No, really. Tyra asked her why, at 23, she was still a virgin, and here I am expecting this religious answer and then she says she hates splooge. And she likes cuddlin’.

Simple solution is to a) stop giving handjobs and have sex with a condom or b) consider lesbianism.

Anamaria-

Thanks to her invisi-edit… I can’t find a GIF of her ANYWHERE so here’s a closeup of her shot with Chelsey during the semi-finals

I am seriously hoping that she doesn’t die on the elevated runway seen on the preview for next episode and that she is a stealthy bitch. I am crazy about her face and she is one of the thinnest girls there (rest assured, that’s a good thing coming from me and I have no intentions of shunning her for that). She, for some reason, was practically invisible during the first episode though, so we can only hope that this isn’t a sign of a no personality edit.

I also asked her about her favorite models and she mentioned Karina Gubanova which is a sure sign that this chick actually follows fashion. Rather than the standard ‘Gisele/Adriana/OMG TYRA BANKZZZZ’ answer, she gave someone who isn’t even on Models.com

Jane-

Erm, another one that is GIF-less. Interesting that my top 3 (because the same is true for Chelsey) didn’t have any GIF moments.

Doomed before the show has even begun. Despite sporting an absolutely beautiful jaw and rock hard abdominal muscles… Tyra hates her for going to Princeton and having a barn with horses. Check it out– Food stamps are noble, but going to Princeton is worth curling your lip at. Total bullshit. This is the same edit as Victoria, Katarzyna and Natalie. It sucks, because she’s gorgeous (although hugely overrated by my forum– The sun does NOT shine out of her ass!) and I hope she makes it far.

Also, it’s worth mentioning that Jane (and Kendal!) were both scouted via Tyra.Com, which just might work in Jane’s favor since Tyra will be all I FOUND YOU ON MY WEBSITE AND I AM DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SUCCESS YOU HAVE. Don’t think it will work with Kendal because of the whole Krista’s little sister thing I mentioned above!

Chelsey-

If there is any justice on this planet… Here’s our winner.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s address some shit stains on this premiere episode-

-The opening. Tyra is dressed up like a school girl and is re-enacting her model voyage, all while talking about Italian Vogue as though she was one of Franca’s regulars. I promise to never make fun of this show again if there’s a conversation like this one:

Tyra- This isn’t Italian Vogue at all…

Hamster- HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?!

Also, I am taking bets now about whether Tyra will appear in the Vogue Italia spread, like she does in the winner photos. It’ll be her way of saying LOOK Y’ALL, I WAS IN VOGUE ITALIA.

-The diary debacle. This was so irrelevant seeing as how it involved two girls who didn’t even make it into the house. Basically, this bumpkin named Emily gave the requisite confessional about being from a small town and therefore sheltered. Can you say racist edit?! Surprise surprise… Another reject named De’Yana (I wonder if she and Spontaniouse knew each other!) totally broke one of the cardinal rules and read Emily’s diary which apparently contained a blurb about ‘having to share a room with a black girl. Ew’.

Oh, give me a fucking break. First of all… Don’t read someone’s diary. Kind of like don’t read someone’s text messages because they might be talking about what a fuck you are. But really… both of them suck. Don’t say ‘ew’ when talking about someone’s race, even if you’re not racist and just an idiot.

-Vanessa and Jordan. Vanessa, to me (and Tyra!), looked like Megan Fox. She was about as helpful to this episode as Megan is to the film industry.

Jordan, however, makes Vanessa look like Mother Theresa, possibly even in a diva kind of way. She is, without question, the most utterly repulsive semi-finalist they’ve ever had. One of my ultimate least favorite things on this planet is hipster emo bitches who shun anything mainstream and whinge incessantly about how different they are. YET HERE YOU ARE ON A FUCKING CW SHOW, CRYING YOUR EYES OUT WHEN YOU’RE REJECTED AFTER COMPLAINING ALL CYCLE ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU DON’T WANT THIS AND HOW EVERYONE IS SOO INFLUENCED BY POP CULTURE. I WISH YOU WOULD BE INFLUENCED BY THE RULES OF HYGIENE AND TAKE A SHOWER.

Beyond heinous.

And I loved that Lexie and Jordan had to be partners for the ‘direct competition’ part of the episode. (POSE WITH THE PERSON MOST LIKELY TO BE YOUR COMPETITION AND OUTSHINE THEM!) Whoa, poor Lexie. Being likened to Jordan is just offensive. I did think it was great when Mr. Jay was like ‘Jordan is trying to be sexy with you, and you’re not having it!’ to Lexie. Uh, kudos Lex. I wouldn’t touch that scabby bitch with a twenty one and a half foot pole.

And there you have it. Cycle 15 is upon us and I already like it more than Cycle 14! Here’s hoping to more excellence for the rest of the cycle!

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