I’m pretty much over apologizing for the delay in my posts. I’ve made it quite clear by now that I love to blog but I do have other things that occupy my time, plus WordPress likes to randomly stop working for like 24 hours at a time every time I want to blog. But, I’m back and trying to be better than ever—

Week 1- Bullying- Essentially, pick a hurtful word that people used to call you. Have it scrawled over your body. Take that insult and make it into something positive. Scrawl that all over you too.

For some bizarre reason, these shots were never released in decent quality, except for Ann’s. Various photoshoppers have made the faces look decent, but the bodies are still blurry. I’ve included the best possible versions I could find, which have the bully/power words right on them (except for Ann’s)

Ann-

Bullying Word- Giant

Power Word- Amazon

The gentle giant begins her reign of terror (or awesomeness, depending on who you ask) over this cycle. I think this is gorgeous, probably because she strikes me as the type who actually *was* bullied so she was able to pull genuine emotion into the shot. Her mega-tallness only helps here… All those spindly limbs look amazing when she’s contorting herself.

Kayla-

This was originally my favorite but it basically comes down to thinking Ann is, in general, more awesome than Kayla. Kayla looks pretty awesome in this picture though… I wish they’d just straightened her hair and kept it blonde. Based on her crying, and her straight up admittance of being scared of the opposite sex, I think that she too was bullied in school and therefore is giving a genuine emotion here.

Either that or I’ve totally bought into Tyra’s bullshit about people actually ‘drawing emotion’ into their kitschy photoshoots. Maybe Kayla didn’t give a shit and she just looks pretty. I dunno.

Chelsey-

I look at this and literally think ‘ghoulish’. I LOVE it. Chelsey got compared to Lara Stone a few times this cycle (I suspect it’s the gap in her teeth when really, Lara’s more famous just for having kind of awesomely bad teeth in general) but this is the only time I saw a resemblance. Lara would definitely stand all slack jawed, covered in paint and look amazing. Perfect example of how doing nothing can be a good approach.

Lexie-

I’ve talked to Lexie a few times and I get the feeling that she was NEVER picked on. She just seems way too like… ‘Oh, fuck you… Whatever’ about people in general. Like, let’s just talk briefly about that bizarre hate group she had briefly on Facebook that called her a racist Satan worshipper. What did Lexie do? She made a video about it laughing at them. So was she really mocked for having elf ears? If so, she probably just threw her ear wax at her attackers.

Also, I love this picture.

Kendal-

I love how the eyeshadow contrasts with her skin… Normally I’m sort of ‘ummm, ewww?’ about such mod-style eyeshadow but Kendal likes to turn things upside for me. Like, for example… my sexuality? Her body is ridiculous. If anyone ever picked on her, it was because they were jealous. She’s GORGEOUS.

Anamaria-

No doubt about it… home girl is skin and bones… I’m about 99% sure that if she had told Tyra that she had a problem, she would have stayed, because she just has a natural ability about her. She does bear a resemblance to Lady Gaga… although minus the tranny and meat dresses.

Jane-

I love that big square is a powerful word for Jane. Between this and being a huge Demi Lovato fan, I would have assumed she went to a Redbook school, not Princeton. Awww, just kidding Janey! I love you! Seriously, she’s so hot it hurts. But… it is a boring picture. It’s only pretty because SHE is pretty.

Liz-

This is the prettiest she looked for the entire competition… Her eyes are absolutely gorgeous and I love the way she’s staring down the lens. No coy eye batting from this broad. Her body doesn’t live up to her face, but it’s a decent picture.

Kacey-

I wish she didn’t look so… aloof. This would work so much more if she was giving even an iota of emotion. Her body looks great, her hair looks great… but the face. Bah. Boring.

This is where the shots cross into bad territory for me-

Sara-

Her hair looks like a ratty Barbie doll and I don’t know why she would emphasize her stomach like that… Whenever someone cups their belly like that, I immediately think preggers. The saving graces of this picture are A) her face is pretty and B) her left arm… The way it’s flexed totally represents ‘athletic’.

Chris-

She looks like Aretha Franklin minus 300 pounds, but I blame the styling for that more than I blame her. I do have to shit on my girl Chris for cupping the belly preggo style… She hasn’t even had a kid so what’s the deal? The eye contact is pretty… she looks amazing with her eyes heavily lined like that… but love her though I do, it’s a weak start.

Esther-

I know she can’t help her knockers but she didn’t have to thrust them out like that. They just look cartoonishly huge… Like she’s about to fall over or some shit. Also… the expression is bland.

Rhianna-

Love her choice of words… Seriously. Unfortunately, it’s like the only good thing about the shot. She has those amazing willowy limbs but she made her body look so… trunk-like with that pose. And her face looks like she’s rolling her eyes back in her head.

Terra-

Poor soup cooler! You can tell she’s pretty… Look at her eyes. But you can only look at them so long before you notice the utter cluelessness going on. She’s like ‘Amidoinitrite?’ No, sweets. You’re not.

Week 2 Part A- Makeovers

I don’t usually judge the makeovers, but considering that there was an elimination that directly correlated to them, I did this time. They didn’t do a call out order, but it was actually pretty fun since the girls this cycle are attractive and all look nice in these pictures, for the most part-

Jane-

Favorite makeover picture of all time. Not even kidding. This is where I really picked up on the Magdalena Frackowiak/Natasha Poly attributes and decided that Jane was actually as hot as people were saying. Seriously, beyond precious.

Kendal-

I do need to comment on the complete hilarity of the two girls from Tyra.com actually being the two hottest girls of the cycle. Tyty is always like ‘Resting on pretty, what mama and daddy gave you’ and then these two sex goddesses emerge. The Naomi Campbell has been done many a time in ANTM history and Kendal wore it best.

Rhianna-

Her makeover made her look less like a hybrid of Slut Tits/Blossom and a lot sexier. I think the long waves actually suit her personality, which is a stupid Banks-y type thing to say but fuck it, it’s true.

Kacey-

Can’t stand this bitch, but she looks awesome in this picture. Almost babe material.

Chris-

Love her expression! This is the beginning of the love train for Chris, probably thanks in large part to them axing her far less amazing sister.

Ann-

Awkward turtle which may as well be the name of Ann’s signature fragrance or something. I love what a spindly and long-limbed mess she is, yet she still looks cool.

Esther-

Like a less STD be-ridden Megan Fox who doesn’t suck dick in the sewer. Like, don’t love.

Chelsey-

Sigh. The newly shorn teeth and the hideous blonde hair that looked good at first but later turned Chelsey into a brassy mess. I think this picture looks a little drag, but it’s okay.

Kayla-

This is SUCH a bizarre makeover photo. There really never has been one so completely unlike the rest before. I mean, she’s not even looking at the camera straight on. That aside, her haircut looks like a red version of the Saleisha Tootie haircut. Do not want.

Liz-

Is it just me or does she look like she’s sniffing her own armpit? I think she does the short hair thing better than most, but the armpit thing really detracts from what is an otherwise decent picture.

Terra-

Cute, but forgettable. She doesn’t look engaging at all.

Lexie-

What on god’s green earth were they thinking when they dyed her hair mousy brown? Since the show ended, Lexie has dyed her hair black and platinum blonde and both look infinitely better. Lexie said she was hopped up on Flexeril during this photoshoot and well… it kind of shows. Sorry Lexie. Love you.

Sara-

What Tyra was thinking when she did this- Let’s take a relatively ordinary but pretty girl and give her luscious, chocolate-y brown hair. We’ll turn her from bimbo blond to brainy brunette, even though she can’t spell jealous correctly. OH WAIT, I KNOW HOW TO REALLY ‘ELEVATE’ HER LOOK SINCE THIS IS THE ELEVATED CYCLE AND ALL. WE’LL BLEACH HER EYEBROWS BUT NOT ALL THAT WELL SO YOU CAN SEE WEIRD GRAYISH PATCHES OF FUZZ OVER HER EYES. IT’S SO PERFECT.

Week 2 Part B Fallen Angels.

Like I said in my epic recap… These shots came out and everyone assumed that they were well edited outtakes since some of them are REALLY terrible. Each girl chose an attitude to convey in their shot, which consisted of them writhing around in a harness. In the finished product, the harness was airbrushed out. Their words are in the closeups, but I’m not really judging them since almost everyone did a horrible job portraying their word well.

Ann

Is it just me or is Ann… pretty damn hot in this picture? I actually buy her emotion here and I find her expression captivating. For those keeping score… This was her second consecutive first call out for Ann from both me and the judges. Get it, Annie.

Kayla-

Another shot where the emotion is actually convincing and the shot doesn’t suffer because of it. Her Tootie haircut must have softened a little bit because it’s kind of mussed up and frankly, pretty hot.

Rhianna-

This perhaps isn’t worthy of some of the wankage I’ve seen over it, but the fact that it was excluded from that top tier group of 5 is pretty lame and a douchey way to make her upcoming elimination seem justified. I think she looks effortless and nothing like her promo shot.

Chelsey-

She looks terrifyingly like CariDee, which doesn’t sit right with me. Otherwise, it’s a pretty great shot… She looks focused and intense.

Chris-

Her awkward hand kind of bugs me, but I love her expression in this too… Bitch worked in this week. Also, her picture is one of the ones that is totally impossible (thanks harnesses) but doesn’t look like she was emulating a ballerina.

Kendal-

She could just as easily be balanced on his erection since there’s no sense or airborne like all the others… But I like how they’re having a moment.

Kacey-

She looks like she’s about to propel herself at him and karate kick his ass. Either that or they’re in ANTM on Ice. I don’t hate it but I don’t think there’s anything genuine about the emotion nor anything especially interesting about the pose, hence the average rating.

Jane-

This is hideous, but Jane is so beautiful that it escapes the bottom tier. Her head looks like Giada De Laurentiis’… It’s so massively large compared to the rest of her body. Also, the shoot is absurd and everything but can you imagine being that guy if a girl was resting all her weight sans harness on your hand like she’s doing?

Liz-

So ugly… It’s all BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I’M WALKING ON AIR and she has ZERO connection with her model. Her hands look awkward, her feet are weird. It’s a big Lizmess.

Lexie-

I actually think her pose is okay… But they captured her face right before she was about to sneeze or something, because she looks sweaty, disheveled and cursed with an itchy nose. Deaditorial, hahahahha. THAT ISN’T EVEN A WORD, TYRA.

Sara-

I want to know why some of the girls got to wear their hair down and why they insisted on giving Sara a lunch lady hair do for this shoot. You’ve already bleached her eyebrows and she needs all the help she can get! The resulting look is Soccer Mom doing Ballet.

Esther-

Absolutely frightening. She looks like she’s about to hurtle herself through the screen and give me the Dementor’s Kiss. And what in God’s name are you pointing at, child?!

Week 3- Matthew Rolston ‘Seafood’ Beauty Shots

Esther-

From the bottom to the top. Bitch is GORGEOUS.

Ann-

Awwww, record broken. The judges gave her a first call out for this and I’m not violently opposed to that since she looks effortlessly stunning but still so… Ann. Someone on one of the forums photoshopped this picture into a V cover, and it looks right at home.

Kayla-

She was bizarrely compared to both Ariel from The Little Mermaid and a country singer. Strange. This picture emphasizes how hideous her makeover really is, since that’s the actual color of it and these pictures are purposely over the top bright and Matthew Rolston apparently didn’t use Photoshop to edit them. Nevertheless, this is cute as hell. I love her hand.

Chris-

I’ve been trying and trying to think of something sarcastic and twatty to say about this picture but I REALLY can’t except that the bubble effect in her picture is the most noticeable and makes me wonder if perhaps she farted. I still like it though.

Lexie-

Lexie’s picture appeals to the ‘Pro-Choking’ crowd and she looks beautiful while asphyxiating herself.

Rhianna-

I love the serene expression but I just really can’t embrace her face. She’s not ugly like I originally thought but her look just isn’t all that appealing. Completely undeserved elimination but I’ve seen some people rank this picture first.

Jane-

This is so obviously Katie Couric and not Jane that I refuse to comment further on it.

Kendal-

It’s not surprising that she looks a little spooked by something because she don’t like seafood.

Liz-

I think the seafood in Liz’s picture was rotting because bitch has major case of stank face going on. I don’t think this picture is the hot mess that a lot of people do, but it’s definitely bad.

Chelsey-

Absolute tranny mess. I really don’t understand how anyone can say Chelsey is ‘fresh’ after this picture. She looks like they took the makeup gun and set it to ‘drag queen hooker’. It’s really abysmal.

Kacey-

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This honestly looks like a retarded, swollen potato abortion. Do potatoes have abortions? Ask Kacey’s head. And while Lexie shows us how choking can be a wonderful thing, Kacey looks like she’s throttling herself. Probably the worst shot of the cycle.

Week 4- Lucha Va Voom Wrestling-

Chelsey-

THIS is how you do tranny hooker! The shoot brief is completely campy and she took it and ran with it… It’s oversexed, sort of unattractive and I LOVE IT. Her best (minus her flawless Covergirl) of the cycle.

Chris-

Take note Analeigh and Saleisha– THIS is how you do a jumping shot. She doesn’t look like she’s about to take a dump on someone’s head or go Village of the Damned on an innocent bystander. She’s jumping in a shoot that is perfectly appropriate for a jump and kept her face cute. Love.

Liz-

She looks like she is simultaneously possessed by a demon and about to shit herself but again, for a shoot so campy, that’s almost acceptable. I appreciate that she gave some energy.

Kayla-

This is hideous. Her arm is only slightly longer than that of a T-Rex and she looks like she’s passing a kidney stone, but again… Kudos must be given for having energy and actually embracing the camp appeal of such a stupid photoshoot.

Jane-

She was criticized for looking pornographic but my favorite part of the picture is how she’s got her legs splayed open like it ain’t no thing. REJOICE said the fandom. I think her face is kind of like ‘Oh, I’m pretty, don’t you think?’ Which is totally WRONG for this, but whatever. Can you believe this shit was bottom 2? Wait till you see Kacey’s disgusting picture.

Ann-

From a concept standpoint, her picture is one of the strongest. I love that she totally made this chicken man her bitch and stuff, but I think she looks way too sad. Plus, the other guy is blocking the weeping chicken man, so it’s kind of boring overall. This is her only first call out that I’m vehemently opposed to.

Esther-

She looks clueless and stupid and her pose is… awkward, at best… But Esther has the body for leather wrestling gear. It’s really the only thing putting this above the last three.

Kendal-

I really want to like this more because Kendal is so hot and my picture rankings don’t really reflect my love for her, but she looks sweaty and cross eyed. If she borrowed like 1/10th of Kayla’s over the top pose, she’d be much higher.

Lexie-

I read a photo critique that likened this picture to a drunk country music star in a wrestling ring, and I couldn’t really put it better myself.

Kacey-

She’s wearing these awesome shoes and did something almost cool with her body, and then I’m forced to look at her ridiculous expression. Revenge of the swollen potato abortion! I mean, her lips look like sausages. On what planet is that a wise choice? It’s not even tranny fierce like Chelsey’s picture… It’s just foul.

Since this post is now nearing 3000 words, I’m going to make it Part I of the pictures and work busily on part 2.

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