So, I was all on top of part 2 of Cycle 15’s photos… I mean, except for the fact that the cycle ended like a bajillion years ago BUT I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN… and then all of a sudden, it’s like OH HEY, CYCLE 16 PROMOS ARE OUT.

What the WHAAAAAAAAT?! Didn’t the paint just dry on Cycle 15? Or am I really that behind?

So, onto Cycle 16. If these promos are any indication… this cycle is going to be an absolute blast, because EVERYONE is disgusting.

EEEEEEVERYOOOOONE

There’s really no point in ranking them because they’re all embarrassingly bad. There is, of course, the slight possibility that these are just sucky promos, but I hope they aren’t. I will have tons more fun.

Starting with the absolute dregs-

Dominique-

WHAT THE FUCK?! There’s no way in hell anyone can convince me that that’s a female. ‘She’ is just standing there, clueless, trying to keep her dick between her legs and looking stankity stank while she does it. She makes Cycle 10’s Dominique look like Sasha Pivovarova! WHAT IS THIS?!!?!?!

I don’t even want to consider her as anything but first out, but someone on my forum was all ‘I hope she’s like Mahatma Gandhi, but in a diva kind of way’… And I couldn’t have put it better myself. If she has to stay around, please let her actually be decent, otherwise I’m going to burn out my retinas.

Kasia-

How can I… just… what…. no. I can’t. I just can’t.

Okay, yes I can. If Gemma Ward got smashed in the face with a frying pan and then was force fed sixteen thousand cheese toasties and poured into a glittery condom with arms… she’d still look better than Kasia.

Alexandria-

I suspect that she was smoking crack with her long lost sisters, the Olsen twins, before taking this picture. They all got high and Mary Kate tried to get her to wear a sack and Alexandria was like NO, I WANT TO HAVE MY OWN STYLE and proceeded to wear as many sparkles as possible, hoping they would detract from her sweaty body and crunchy hair.

Molly-

Is her face… completely lopsided? I’m immediately reminded of this:

I mean, hello Attack of the Wonky Eyes Part II! She looks like she’s winking!

EDIT- HAHAHAHAHA, just saw her pre-show work. She’s HOT. I suck.

Sara-

She appears to have a plausibly modelesque body. If I could just cut off her head, she’d be one of my favorites.

Hannah-

Completely confused by this one. Sometimes I look at this picture and think ‘Why is Analeigh’s cousin trying to melt the camera with her laser beam eyes? AND FOR GOD’S SAKE, TAKE AN ADVIL IF YOU HAVE A HEADACHE’… but it’s possible that she’s actually cute with a… nice body? whaaaaat? we’ll stick with the former, for now.

Dalya-

I think she and Dominique both use the men’s bathroom, but Dalya is blessed with long, willowy limbs that make her look taller than 5’9, despite a retarded pose. Sadly, the longer I stare at her, the more she resembles Wesley Snipes.

Jaclyn-

This is Fran Drescher after a spin cycle in a Benjamin Button machine. Nobody can convince me otherwise.

Monique-

Despite hoping that this cycle is a complete mess from head to toe, I’m also hoping that Monique’s thighs aren’t this big. Remember Celia’s promo shot? Everyone thought she was plus and she had an awesome body… so there’s hope. Because God knows Kasia is more than enough plus sized model for this cycle. Fuck me dead.

Ondrei-

Of course, the prettiest girl is the shortest. She’s 5’7, which means she was eligible for the midget cycle. Whyyyyy meeeeee?! I mean, THAT FACE. She looks like Rose Cordero mated with a Strawberry Shortcake doll. I just want to hug her. WHY YOU BITTY?!

Brittani-

Stank faced and malnourished… We’ve got ourselves a fan favorite, everyone!

Angelia-

When I saw that there was an Angelia this cycle, I immediately though of Angelea and then of Anjelica Pickles. I’m kind of bummed that she doesn’t look like a Rugrats character… but I’m told she’s originally from Germany. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE HAVE AN ACCENT. I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Nicole-

In case Alexandria wasn’t enough cracked out blonde for you, we have Nicole to curb your enthusiasm! According to her stats, she’s 5’11, which begs the question… Why the hell is she posing like that? Still, in spite of wanting to do so, I think she could be one to watch.

Mikaela-

Surprised? I think she may be the result of an Iekeliene Stange and Idina Menzel sexperiment… and when everyone looks like shit, I may as well root for someone with cheekbones that could cut butter. If she’s first out, hahahahahaha.

For prediction purposes, I’ll just reverse my order and predict Dominique as the winner.

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