I hadn’t made up my mind about blogging ANTM until one of the models got into a plastic bubble, fell on her ass and rolled around in the water for about 10 seconds. And really, at that moment, my mission was clear.
Due to the initial WTF-ness of the promo pictures, I had hilariously low expectations for the cycle and just expected it to be a mess. There weren’t any Tahlias to be seen, but nobody really seemed above average either. While I’m not about to blow my load over anyone just yet, I don’t think this is Cycle 14 either.
Since the photos are out, I’ll start with them. To put it simply, each girl was photographed getting ready for a runway show. The concept sounded a little bizarre initially but they were shot by Russell James, who is more than competent, and they’ve all grown on me.
Mikaela-
She was my initial pre-show favorite, but after seeing various media of her looking like she was going to try and embalm me, I was a little concerned about her. I think she looks kind of weird in person– her eyebrows and bone structure are so exaggerated, but it completely translates in this picture. It’s a caught moment, but she knew that the camera was on her.
Alexandria-
So close to first call out. She kind of reminds me of Nicole Sullivan from Mad TV. She’s getting this bitch edit but… She can be bossy and twatty all she wants if she turns out shots like this. Is this pose-y? Hell yes… But it’s HOT– those cheekbones, the sultry hand in the hair. I love it.
Molly-
A perfectly acceptable first call out and a massive surprise from someone whose face looked like it was lopsided in her pre-show shot. There’s something about this that reminds me of a working model but I can’t think of who it is. It’s more pose-y than some of them, but… I’m okay with that. The point of the shoot wasn’t to look good in a candid, some of them just ended up being like that.
Brittani-
Not into this girl at all, but I have to admit that this picture pretty much exemplifies exactly what the shoot was about. If I saw this on The Fashion Spot or something, I would think it was a fresh faced up-and-comer getting ready for a show. And I have to give her kudos for looking relaxed despite a pencil getting ready to impale her.
Monique-
The only fault in this picture is the obstruction in the front! What’s up with that? It makes it harder to see Monique’s gorgeous face. I’m pretty much obsessed with this girl because everything she does is sexy. Even her voice, which sounds sort of like a stoned Malibu Barbie, is weirdly hot. And I love this picture. She looks excited about getting ready.
Dalya-
I think she completely nailed the candid aspect of the shot… almost too well, actually. If she had been a little bit more present, this would be like Mikaela’s and probably be up top with her… because, seriously? Dalya is STUNNING. She looks like Jourdan Dunn and Sessilee Lopez mutated and created something marvelous.
Ondrei-
This seems stupid, but her hands majorly bug, especially the left one. It’s like she’s clawing onto the chair, which I suppose is quite candid, but it bugs me. Maybe I’m holding onto resentment because my chosen senior picture for the yearbook is gorgeous except for my right hand being balled into a fist. What was I thinking? I digress… Ondrei’s face is lovely, but those hands. I can’t get past them.
Hannah-
Hannah looks hot in this picture. No doubt. She, unfortunately, is right next to the stunningly gorgeous Molly and because of that, some of the focus is taken off of her. Also, how gross is Angelia in this picture? Her face is so dumpy looking. Do not miss.
Kasia-
The general consensus on the Internet is that she looks like she’s playing with her boobs. That may be so, but I’m so pleasantly surprised by her lovely face that I’ll forgive her for nipple tweaking.
Jaclyn-
Is this blurry-ish to anyone else? She looks pretty, and she’s downplaying her baby features, which is nice, but this, like some of the others, doesn’t seem present enough for a legitimate photoshoot. And it’s blurry.
Dominique-
Exponentially better than what I expected from her. I actually just got my ass handed to me on a forum for saying that she looked gross in some promotional pictures I’d seen, and that somehow translated into me being a racist… You can tell it’s ANTM season when THAT word starts getting thrown around. Anyway, this is pretty, but boring. She doesn’t seem aware at all that there’s a camera on her.
Nicole-
Everyone’s pre-show favorite delivers this snooze-fest, and the fandom mourns. I think the composition is largely to blame, as she does appear to look pretty behind the half dozen things that are distracting me from looking at her. But really, her film either sucked ass or there’s some sabotage going on behind the scenes… why would they choose this shot?
Sara-
She’s completely clueless and she has a rat tail. Her face shows some promise, but the picture is just completely average.
Angelia-
Um, biggest disappointment ever? This is, at best, a pretty Facebook picture.
The episode started with Tyra letting us know that the casting episode isn’t happening this cycle. She, being the queen of behind on her pop culture references (seriously, remember how she had the MyFierce pages despite MySpace being dead?), decided to be Ashton Kutcher and ‘punk’ her actual chosen 14 and tell them that they were the ones going home.
These bitches got all weepy and sad JUST LIKE IN REGULAR CASTING WEEK.

She has nothing to live for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then, Tyra was all PSYCHE, and they found out that she was just kidding. And that ended that.
In the house, Dominique established herself as abrasive and obnoxious right off the bat. Mikaela and her monstrous eyebrows were not too impressed. Also stepping up to the bitch plate is Alexandria, who is not nearly as Olsen Twin-y as I thought and looks more like a MILF. She’s bossy to Jaclyn, who is perhaps number than a pounded thumb. Everything she says sounds retarded. Of course, she’s an immediate fan favorite. I think she’s cute but I’m disappointed that she doesn’t look as much like Fran Drescher as she does in her pre-show shot. Brittani is from a trailer park and looks like every mousy little girl from the trailer parks in Maine, my place of residence. Everything she does is awkward and when she cries, which is often, she looks like she’s leaking. I just want to give her a tissue or something so she can wipe the snot off of her.
The girls get to meet Erin Wasson, who is pretty much perfection with hair. Their mission is pure ANTM… Get inside some plastic bubbles and walk on a 12 inch wide runway without falling. Jaclyn is worried that she’ll get stuck in the ball for the rest of her life. Seriously, get this girl a government job. Bonus! They get their pictures taken while they get ready, as shown above.
When showtime rolls around, the results are about what you’d expect. Everyone sort of skulks along, except for Brittani, who gallops as if she isn’t even on water.

Alexandria as a real life hamster.
Ondrei is the first to fall on her ass. This is her only notable contribution to the cycle, thus far. Dominique’s, however, is the type of moment that we ANTM addicts live for. She crashes and burns and then can’t get up, so she basically rolls around in the ball for a while and then gets up and does a big ta-da thing.

A truly stunning performance.
Angelia fell too. Am I the only one who noticed how fucking dumpy she is?!? She looked like such an exotic babe in her pre-show shot but she looks like a drunk hummingbird in person. I can’t stand looking at her for too long because she looks doughy or something. What a disappointment. I don’t really remember much about her falling except that it happened. So over you, Angelia.
Panel is my favorite part of the show, especially during the more low-key cycles in the house, because you know the stupidity will always be at an all-time high over there! Especially with Nigel Barker and Andre Leon Talley on panel! Tyra is hot again this cycle, although she’s wearing a shirt with ALT’S jowly face on it and can’t seem to stop touching herself:
I apologize in advance for that GIF being the size of Thumbelina.
Erin Wasson is the guest judge and she is both helpful and well-spoken. Best guest judge since Marisa Miller, y/y? Seriously, fire Nigel and get a supermodel back on the panel.
The judges are up to some of their old tricks, naturally. For example, Nigel thinks Nicole’s mouth looks like a ‘cat’s bottom’ in her shot… He demonstrates and what he means is duck face
Perhaps there’s a language barrier since he’s from some bizarre planet where a fake tan and a sleazy British accent equal valued opinion. Andre is wearing some sort of makeup brush on his hat
He then has the nerve to criticize Brittani for wearing a tacky dragonfly ornament in her hair. Ahhh, hypocrisy. I’ve missed you so. Nigel finds that Angelia’s face is BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. He may be right on this one, but if I had the opportunity to wax philosophical about Angelia’s messy face, I’d come up with something better than that. I mean, really. The possibilities are endless.
Their call out order doesn’t differentiate all that much from mine: Molly, Brittani, Alexandria, Mikaela, Dalya, Hannah, Ondrei, Monique, Nicole, Kasia, Jaclyn, Sara. Bottom 2 is Dominique and Angelia, and thankfully, her royal let-down goes home. If Dominique falls on her ass every episode, I may be willing to accept her into my life.
I’m trying to come up with innovative ways to incorporate media into this blog and until someone can teach me how to make GIFs, there will be A LOT of still frames. I know, it sucks. So, to bulk up this decidedly uneventful episode, feast your eyes on my revised rankings of the girls overall. Also, I wrote this like 3 days after I ranked the photos so if I contradict myself, whoops. I change my mind a lot.
1. Monique (Up from 6th)
She is so sexy that it hurts my heterosexuality. Every shot of her was like upskirting because they wanted to make her look as trampy as possible… and I loved every single second of it. For the love of God, let her stay around longer.

Perfection.
2. Molly (Up from 11th)
I knew that revolting pre-show shot had to be a fluke… there was just no way in hell anyone could actually look like that. There’s ‘unique’ and then there’s melting face, and Molly’s promo shot was the latter. So, good news! She’s totally hot and will more than likely go overseas because her first photo received first call out!
3. Mikaela (Down from 1st)
I gave her picture first call out but she’s a little harsher in person than I generally go for. Photogenic as helllll, but her eyebrows look like they’re consuming her face, generally speaking. The above picture purposely does not highlight this.
4. Alexandria (Up from 12th)
So, she may have leathery skin and be potentially skanktastic but I love a good bitch and I especially love one who photographs like a dream. So for now, she is allowed in my top tier, if she continues to look sexy in her photos. Also, she looks less like a cracked out Olsen twin and more like Nicole Sullivan from Mad TV.
5. Hannah (Up from 9th)
We didn’t see any H-H-HAVING A P-P-PANIC ATTACK Hannah that was on the preview in episode 1, but she was seen continuously sporting some baby prostitute-esque pigtails, so I suppose there is hope yet for her to be just a complete blubbering mess. So far, that void seems to be filled by Jaclyn, and Hannah is more of our pedophile dream girl. Just look at that blowjob face!
6. Kasia (Up from 13th)
I KNOW, RIGHT!!?!?! I was so sure she was going to look like a fat bug but she really surprised me. I’m one of about 2 that actually thinks her backstage photo is acceptable. Not a stand out, but not the abomination some people are comparing it to. And she seems nice. Her runway walk is balls though.
7. Dalya (Up from 8th)
My biggest reservation with Dalya is the fact that she seems to photograph exquisitely in profile and…. hella masculine straight on, as seen above. I dunno if it’s the picture but yikes. As we know from this show, you just can’t make it exclusively in profile (3/4 if you’re Teyona, but she was an exception). Bottom line is that I’m not getting too attached.
8. Jaclyn (Down from 7th)
I wasn’t big on her picture, nor am I particularly on board with her bordering on mental retardation personality, but at the same time, I have to like her for being entertaining. She’s clearly dumb, but she’s also weirdly endearing.
9. Ondrei (Down from 5th)
She’s really adorable but I know nothing about her except that she’s the bittiest of the bunch, her picture was acceptable and she fell on her ass during the runway show.
10. Nicole (Down from 2nd)
Ouch, how the mighty have fallen. While I did like her promo shot, I knew that there was no way she could live up to the high expectations set for her by the majority of the fans. She’s pretty, yes, and that pre-show work is a force to be reckoned with… BUT! Her picture this week was blah, and she’s forgettable.
11. Dominique (Up from 14th)
I don’t think I will ever like her, to be honest. Her freckles sort of look like acne and pockmark scars. It’s… not so cute. But I have to give her some kudos for the infamous disaster at the runway show. Favorite moment of the episode, for sure.
12. Brittani (Down from 4th)
Ooooh, unpopular opinion time! Brittani, to me, looks like any other trailer trash in this country. She’s constantly crying and it’s annoying. Her picture was great but it’s hardly dynamic modeling skills.
13. Sara (Down from 10th)
I wanted her to be a whole lot weirder than she was. Her edit for this episode was basically ‘Dumbass with a rat tail’.
14. Angelia (Down from 3rd)
WHATTTTTTTTT A LETTTTT DOWNNNNNNNNNNN.
So, that wraps up the premiere of ANTM. Next week, beauty shots with bees! They’re traiiiiiined, rooooight?
Due to the Oscars being doneskies, I plan on havingย blogs up on Mondays from here on out. That probably won’t happen, but look for them anyway.
Good to have you back! We have to count on you for our ANTM recapping, now that Rich has abandoned us.
That being said, I’d love to see your thoughts on the Oscars sometime
ITA on Angelia… she didn’t even have an accent! That bitch. I’m afraid this will be a second coming of cycle 14 to me, where my pre show faves all leave early and I end rooting for someone just by the second half of the cycle. And this time I don’t have Angelea to make me laugh. Shucks.
Well, now that Nicole has no chance in hell… MONIQUE FTW!
๐ Yay!
I’ll comment in your order:
Monique – SEXY. Will Tyra ever allow someone so goddamn sexy go far? Not likely. But I approve ๐
Molly – EHHHHHH. She’s one of, like, four bland blondes this cycle that I am not on board with. Seriously, anyone else noticed this?
Mikaela – Love this girl! Her face is damn startling, but shit that picture is fucking awesome…Forget Raina’s brows. Hope she stays.
Alexandria – WHO DOES SHE REMIND ME OF? Some actress, ’80s or ’90s, it’s UNCANNY and I can’t think of it. God, this will bother me…
Hannah – I’m inclined to call her “Hannaleigh”…she looks SO much like Analeigh.
Kasia – Sort of hot. But she’s not so impressive to me.
Dalya – I was thinking the same thing! Her profile is gorgeous! Otherwise…hoo child. Good luck.
Jaclyn – Kinda pretty, very stupid. I like her big lips, big hair thing. I dig the look, but wooooow what a moron. In the preview she was, like, yelling at a drawing of herself for having a baby face…and it was supposed to be emotional but I was just like…headdesk.
Ondrei – I only remember who she is because she is SO gorgeous. Hope she does more.
Nicole – One of those boring blondes.
Dominique – Ew, fuck no. But she’s racially ambiguous enough for the judges to jizz over.
Brittani – Do people like her? She looks so boring. I like her picture, but ugh. Some actress…the brunette on Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants?
Sara – Sometimes she’s kind of a pretty dude. Others, just a “dumbass with a rat tail”.
Angelia – ๐ฆ Disappointed. My initial favorite. Boo.
So, basically, if you need a nickname…Hannah = Hannaleigh.
If it wasn’t for this recap, I wouldn’t even have known the cycle had started! (I’m European and apparently didn’t check the airing dates.) First of all, I like how you didn’t even have to get over how much Dalya sounds like Tahlia, especially some of the times that Tyra says it. About Molly, I think that in some pictures at least she’s a little Suvi Koponen-esque maybe. When I look at Hannah’s shot, all I can think of is Avril Lavigne. Also I think it’s bullshit to praise you for “popping out” in a photo where you are located on the middle and the camera’s focus is on you and the rest of the picture is slightly blurred.
I must second the previous comment, too. We need you now that Rich has retired, not that I don’t understand the decision. We need vagina arm gifs. Please world.
OH Hey, Amanda!
I love Monique too!!! It’s kind of disconcerting how sexy she is…
HI AMANDA!
Poor Nicole. She looked great in her pre show pics ๐ฆ
Dominique – EW. Plus she looks like this girl I really dislike irl.
Jaclyn – So annoying!!
Brittani – Is she a fan fave? She looks so ratty.
Mikaela – I think she’s gorgeous! Though yes, a little harsh looking ~ I wonder if they will change her eyebrows.
Monique – Heehee ๐ A much better version of that other Megan Fox lookalike from last season (who didnt make it into the house)
Sara – She reminds me of Kristen Schaal, lol.
Dalya, Hannah & Kasia – Much prettier than I thought they would be! I wonder how remarkable Kasia would be if she wasn’t a plussie though… Still, better than Whitney *shudders*
Will there still be vag-arm gifs with Tyra being hot again and all?
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
See Mikaela’s picture I do like, because when you’re kind of scary and harsh looking like she is, the best way to be photographed is FROM A DISTANCE! That said, she’s really little in the frame, and at first when I looked at the picture I thought Mikaela must be the blonde one close to us with her back to the camera ๐ THEN I noticed eyebrows and thought the picture was a little better…even if she doesn’t really own it.
WHY is Alexandria’s not first?! It’s SO hot…Like you say, cheekbones, the hand in the hair, hot, hot, hot. The hair itself too, I wish she was a little further back so we could get her heaving bosom in the frame, and it’d be all like, “WOMAN!”, but nevermind…
See, Molly’s is nice, but unlike Alexandria, it looks pose-y in a forced and unnatural way, and that sucks, plus her face reminds me of Julia Stiles here, so that loses major points too. Plus, it’s kind of boring.
Brittani’s is a nice picture, no doubt, but I was already to get at it on account of the scary, shiverings induced by seeing that thing about to get stuck right near her eye, but I agree with what you said, she looks calm in spite of it, and that works in her favour big time. She also looks pretty and everything in spite of her eyelid being pried open, which takes mad skills.
Monique does look very good and everything, but it’s another kind of…boring picture, and what IS with that obstruction in the front? How unprofessional Most of all it obstructs the hand of the make up person so the picture is just like Monique’s face, and then this random brush just poking her in the side of the face. WHATEVER THE HELL THAT STUPID THING IS HAS RUINED THIS PICTURE.
Dalya’s IS amazing! Simple, and very candid looking, her eyes are what make it so special, that they’re just looking off somewhere. I get what you mean about her not being that PRESENT, but it doesn’t bother me at all when it all looks this good. Easily one of my top 2 so far.
With Ondrei, I look at her face, and I’m like…GREAT, but then it’s like she has no idea what to do with the rest of her body to make this interesting…I mean it’s like a dead on shot, so it IS difficult, I’m not sure what else she could have done without looking fake as hell, but the hands ARE stupid, there is no doubt about it. That’s exactly what I thought before I read what you wrote. They’re major distractions. I also kind of wish she was looking at the camera or something, the stare is intense and everything…but seems a little…silly.
Awwwwwwww, Hannah does look nice and everything, but when there’s 4 other chicks in the frame with you it is tough to own the whole shot even when you’re slap bang in the middle, and she doesn’t. This also reminds me of like…a chick at a rock concert. Or rather, a music video set at a concert with the guy notices this girl in the audience, and the camera zooms in on her highlighted out from everyone around her. LOL
Kasia DOES look like she’s playing with her boobs, but…that’s all part of getting ready, isn’t it?! I mean it’s a little full on and unsubtle, I agree, you can’t look at it and not snicker, but I really like this one. It totally nails the GETTING READY feeling. I love it.
Jaclyn’s is definitely blurry, and she may be trying to look sultry or something, but I think she’s overdoing it and comes off all divatastic. There’s also way too much of old hair lady in the background. It’s okay, she does look basically nice.
Hmmmmmm, I would be inclined to really like Dominique’s, I really like the simplicity of it, and the way she looks kind of intensely in command in spite of the simple, bareness of the picture, and I love the background of the shot too, adds to it without stealing attention from her. But you know what…I CAN’T STAND THOSE FRECKLES! AS SOON AS I SAW HER FACE I THOUGHT “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!” A make up brush or something might have covered some of that up ๐ฆ
Ummmmmmmmm, I really like Nicole’s :$ It’s like…all busy in the foreground, and then there’s the darkness all around her, but then her eyes and blondieness totally GRAB my attention, it’s like…STARE! I SEE YOU! Okay, you ca barely make out half her face, but you CAN see it. I think this is really great, maybe more because of the set up of it all, but hey, she has to gaze just right, and I think she does. HMPH.
SARA, ummmmm, where are you, some stage hand just wondered right in to the middle of your frame?!
LOL, I did kind of like Angelia’s at first, it’s certainly better than the one above it, but yeah, I see what you mean, pretty facebook picture indeed. It reminds me of a certain whore…if you know what I mean. Anyway, it’s way better than Sara’s. LOL
“decided to be Ashton Kutcher and โpunkโ her actual chosen 14 and tell them that they were the ones going home.”
๐ ๐ ๐ Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…what a nice thing to do… ๐
“Then, Tyra was all PSYCHE, and they found out that she was just kidding. And that ended that.”
๐ …
“Dominique established herself as abrasive and obnoxious right off the bat”
Ugh, like that girl on YouTube.
” Mikaela and her monstrous eyebrows were not too impressed”
I bet it’s a sight when she raises her eyebrows.
“Iโm disappointed that she doesnโt look as much like Fran Drescher as she does in her pre-show shot.”
๐ฆ
“and when she cries, which is often, she looks like sheโs leaking”
๐ … This I must see.
” Jaclyn is worried that sheโll get stuck in the ball for the rest of her life”
LOL
“She crashes and burns and then canโt get up, so she basically rolls around in the ball for a while and then gets up and does a big ta-da thing.”
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! ๐
“Best guest judge since Marisa Miller, y/y”
They’re no Kim Kardashian, am I right, folks?!
That Nigel gif is one of the most hideous things I’ve ever seen…and how the hell does he know what a cat’s ass looks like? tookus lingus?
“He then has the nerve to criticize Brittani for wearing a tacky dragonfly ornament in her hair.”
LOL! What a TOOL!
HOW DID SARA NOT GO HOME?!
That Monique gif is amaaaaaaaazing ๐
LOL, yes…that Molly picture is terrifying… ๐
AMANDA HAD MIKAELA FIRST! Mwahahahaha… I actually really like this picture of her, she looks awesome in profile…in spit of her protruding brow…you’re right though, we can only see one eyebrow. LEAVE HER EYEBROWS ALONE, YOU EYEBROW NAZI!
What the HELL is with Alexandria’s promo shot? :S she seriously looks like some kind of addict, rock star chick. NASTY, just nasty.
LOL, Hannah does look like a little kid…pedophile dream blow job face indeed, and pigtails? That’s just making it worse. She’s the Analeigh one, right?
C’mon, that Kasia picture is HIDEOUS. She looks all dumpy and stuff…STAND UP STRAIGHT!
“My biggest reservation with Dalya is the fact that she seems to photograph exquisitely in profile andโฆ. hella masculine straight on”
LOL, no joke ๐ Comparing this one to the one of her above is…hard to believe it’s the same person. I actually really like this picture from the neck down, she’s got it going on, but…she looks like Candyman in the face.
Bahahahahaha, you can TELL Jaclyn is dumb from this image of her. She looks hideous too, AND she reminds me of a certain whore…if you know what I mean.
I like this picture of Ondrei much more! Make it black and white and use it instead of the Edward Scissorhands one! Also, I love her jacket!
I like Nicole’s picture here, it’s cute! But hell…yeah, what a fall.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY EYES! MY EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. This woman makes Cintia Dicker look clear skinned. And how can you have liked the runway thing so much and still say you will never like her?!
I love Brittani’s picture here, but yeah, constantly crying is not nice. Who the hell does she think she is? The ANTM quota for constantly sobbing Brittany’s has already been filled! BACK OFF, BITCH!
Sara looks like a man in this picture…she also looks like she’s about to get punched in the head, and frankly, I fully support this. That’s two pictures I’ve seen of her now, and they’re both so bad they make me LOL. Why is she still here?!
I don’t like Angelia’s face. Down from third! OUCH!
WOOP WOOP! Good to have you back! ๐