I hadn’t made up my mind about blogging ANTM until one of the models got into a plastic bubble, fell on her ass and rolled around in the water for about 10 seconds. And really, at that moment, my mission was clear.

Due to the initial WTF-ness of the promo pictures, I had hilariously low expectations for the cycle and just expected it to be a mess. There weren’t any Tahlias to be seen, but nobody really seemed above average either. While I’m not about to blow my load over anyone just yet, I don’t think this is Cycle 14 either.

Since the photos are out, I’ll start with them. To put it simply, each girl was photographed getting ready for a runway show. The concept sounded a little bizarre initially but they were shot by Russell James, who is more than competent, and they’ve all grown on me.

Mikaela-

She was my initial pre-show favorite, but after seeing various media of her looking like she was going to try and embalm me, I was a little concerned about her. I think she looks kind of weird in person– her eyebrows and bone structure are so exaggerated, but it completely translates in this picture. It’s a caught moment, but she knew that the camera was on her.

Alexandria-

So close to first call out. She kind of reminds me of Nicole Sullivan from Mad TV. She’s getting this bitch edit but… She can be bossy and twatty all she wants if she turns out shots like this. Is this pose-y? Hell yes… But it’s HOT– those cheekbones, the sultry hand in the hair. I love it.

Molly-

A perfectly acceptable first call out and a massive surprise from someone whose face looked like it was lopsided in her pre-show shot. There’s something about this that reminds me of a working model but I can’t think of who it is. It’s more pose-y than some of them, but… I’m okay with that. The point of the shoot wasn’t to look good in a candid, some of them just ended up being like that.

Brittani-

Not into this girl at all, but I have to admit that this picture pretty much exemplifies exactly what the shoot was about. If I saw this on The Fashion Spot or something, I would think it was a fresh faced up-and-comer getting ready for a show. And I have to give her kudos for looking relaxed despite a pencil getting ready to impale her.

Monique-

The only fault in this picture is the obstruction in the front! What’s up with that? It makes it harder to see Monique’s gorgeous face. I’m pretty much obsessed with this girl because everything she does is sexy. Even her voice, which sounds sort of like a stoned Malibu Barbie, is weirdly hot. And I love this picture. She looks excited about getting ready.

Dalya-

I think she completely nailed the candid aspect of the shot… almost too well, actually. If she had been a little bit more present, this would be like Mikaela’s and probably be up top with her… because, seriously? Dalya is STUNNING. She looks like Jourdan Dunn and Sessilee Lopez mutated and created something marvelous.

Ondrei-

This seems stupid, but her hands majorly bug, especially the left one. It’s like she’s clawing onto the chair, which I suppose is quite candid, but it bugs me. Maybe I’m holding onto resentment because my chosen senior picture for the yearbook is gorgeous except for my right hand being balled into a fist. What was I thinking? I digress… Ondrei’s face is lovely, but those hands. I can’t get past them.

Hannah-

Hannah looks hot in this picture. No doubt. She, unfortunately, is right next to the stunningly gorgeous Molly and because of that, some of the focus is taken off of her. Also, how gross is Angelia in this picture? Her face is so dumpy looking. Do not miss.

Kasia-

The general consensus on the Internet is that she looks like she’s playing with her boobs. That may be so, but I’m so pleasantly surprised by her lovely face that I’ll forgive her for nipple tweaking.

Jaclyn-

Is this blurry-ish to anyone else? She looks pretty, and she’s downplaying her baby features, which is nice, but this, like some of the others, doesn’t seem present enough for a legitimate photoshoot. And it’s blurry.

Dominique-

Exponentially better than what I expected from her. I actually just got my ass handed to me on a forum for saying that she looked gross in some promotional pictures I’d seen, and that somehow translated into me being a racist… You can tell it’s ANTM season when THAT word starts getting thrown around. Anyway, this is pretty, but boring. She doesn’t seem aware at all that there’s a camera on her.

Nicole-

Everyone’s pre-show favorite delivers this snooze-fest, and the fandom mourns. I think the composition is largely to blame, as she does appear to look pretty behind the half dozen things that are distracting me from looking at her. But really, her film either sucked ass or there’s some sabotage going on behind the scenes… why would they choose this shot?

Sara-

She’s completely clueless and she has a rat tail. Her face shows some promise, but the picture is just completely average.

Angelia-

Um, biggest disappointment ever? This is, at best, a pretty Facebook picture.

The episode started with Tyra letting us know that the casting episode isn’t happening this cycle. She, being the queen of behind on her pop culture references (seriously, remember how she had the MyFierce pages despite MySpace being dead?), decided to be Ashton Kutcher and ‘punk’ her actual chosen 14 and tell them that they were the ones going home.

These bitches got all weepy and sad JUST LIKE IN REGULAR CASTING WEEK.

She has nothing to live for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then, Tyra was all PSYCHE, and they found out that she was just kidding. And that ended that.

In the house, Dominique established herself as abrasive and obnoxious right off the bat. Mikaela and her monstrous eyebrows were not too impressed. Also stepping up to the bitch plate is Alexandria, who is not nearly as Olsen Twin-y as I thought and looks more like a MILF. She’s bossy to Jaclyn, who is perhaps number than a pounded thumb. Everything she says sounds retarded. Of course, she’s an immediate fan favorite. I think she’s cute but I’m disappointed that she doesn’t look as much like Fran Drescher as she does in her pre-show shot. Brittani is from a trailer park and looks like every mousy little girl from the trailer parks in Maine, my place of residence. Everything she does is awkward and when she cries, which is often, she looks like she’s leaking. I just want to give her a tissue or something so she can wipe the snot off of her.

The girls get to meet Erin Wasson, who is pretty much perfection with hair. Their mission is pure ANTM… Get inside some plastic bubbles and walk on a 12 inch wide runway without falling. Jaclyn is worried that she’ll get stuck in the ball for the rest of her life. Seriously, get this girl a government job. Bonus! They get their pictures taken while they get ready, as shown above.

When showtime rolls around, the results are about what you’d expect. Everyone sort of skulks along, except for Brittani, who gallops as if she isn’t even on water.

Alexandria as a real life hamster.

Ondrei is the first to fall on her ass. This is her only notable contribution to the cycle, thus far. Dominique’s, however, is the type of moment that we ANTM addicts live for. She crashes and burns and then can’t get up, so she basically rolls around in the ball for a while and then gets up and does a big ta-da thing.

A truly stunning performance.

Angelia fell too. Am I the only one who noticed how fucking dumpy she is?!? She looked like such an exotic babe in her pre-show shot but she looks like a drunk hummingbird in person. I can’t stand looking at her for too long because she looks doughy or something. What a disappointment. I don’t really remember much about her falling except that it happened. So over you, Angelia.

Panel is my favorite part of the show, especially during the more low-key cycles in the house, because you know the stupidity will always be at an all-time high over there! Especially with Nigel Barker and Andre Leon Talley on panel! Tyra is hot again this cycle, although she’s wearing a shirt with ALT’S jowly face on it and can’t seem to stop touching herself:

I apologize in advance for that GIF being the size of Thumbelina.

Erin Wasson is the guest judge and she is both helpful and well-spoken. Best guest judge since Marisa Miller, y/y? Seriously, fire Nigel and get a supermodel back on the panel.

The judges are up to some of their old tricks, naturally. For example, Nigel thinks Nicole’s mouth looks like a ‘cat’s bottom’ in her shot… He demonstrates and what he means is duck face

Perhaps there’s a language barrier since he’s from some bizarre planet where a fake tan and a sleazy British accent equal valued opinion. Andre is wearing some sort of makeup brush on his hat

He then has the nerve to criticize Brittani for wearing a tacky dragonfly ornament in her hair. Ahhh, hypocrisy. I’ve missed you so. Nigel finds that Angelia’s face is BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. He may be right on this one, but if I had the opportunity to wax philosophical about Angelia’s messy face, I’d come up with something better than that. I mean, really. The possibilities are endless.

Their call out order doesn’t differentiate all that much from mine: Molly, Brittani, Alexandria, Mikaela, Dalya, Hannah, Ondrei, Monique, Nicole, Kasia, Jaclyn, Sara. Bottom 2 is Dominique and Angelia, and thankfully, her royal let-down goes home. If Dominique falls on her ass every episode, I may be willing to accept her into my life.

I’m trying to come up with innovative ways to incorporate media into this blog and until someone can teach me how to make GIFs, there will be A LOT of still frames. I know, it sucks. So, to bulk up this decidedly uneventful episode, feast your eyes on my revised rankings of the girls overall. Also, I wrote this like 3 days after I ranked the photos so if I contradict myself, whoops. I change my mind a lot.

1. Monique (Up from 6th)

She is so sexy that it hurts my heterosexuality. Every shot of her was like upskirting because they wanted to make her look as trampy as possible… and I loved every single second of it. For the love of God, let her stay around longer.

Perfection.

2. Molly (Up from 11th)

I knew that revolting pre-show shot had to be a fluke… there was just no way in hell anyone could actually look like that. There’s ‘unique’ and then there’s melting face, and Molly’s promo shot was the latter. So, good news! She’s totally hot and will more than likely go overseas because her first photo received first call out!

3. Mikaela (Down from 1st)

I gave her picture first call out but she’s a little harsher in person than I generally go for. Photogenic as helllll, but her eyebrows look like they’re consuming her face, generally speaking. The above picture purposely does not highlight this.

4. Alexandria (Up from 12th)

So, she may have leathery skin and be potentially skanktastic but I love a good bitch and I especially love one who photographs like a dream. So for now, she is allowed in my top tier, if she continues to look sexy in her photos. Also, she looks less like a cracked out Olsen twin and more like Nicole Sullivan from Mad TV.

5. Hannah (Up from 9th)

We didn’t see any H-H-HAVING A P-P-PANIC ATTACK Hannah that was on the preview in episode 1, but she was seen continuously sporting some baby prostitute-esque pigtails, so I suppose there is hope yet for her to be just a complete blubbering mess. So far, that void seems to be filled by Jaclyn, and Hannah is more of our pedophile dream girl. Just look at that blowjob face!

6. Kasia (Up from 13th)

I KNOW, RIGHT!!?!?! I was so sure she was going to look like a fat bug but she really surprised me. I’m one of about 2 that actually thinks her backstage photo is acceptable. Not a stand out, but not the abomination some people are comparing it to. And she seems nice. Her runway walk is balls though.

7. Dalya (Up from 8th)

My biggest reservation with Dalya is the fact that she seems to photograph exquisitely in profile and…. hella masculine straight on, as seen above. I dunno if it’s the picture but yikes. As we know from this show, you just can’t make it exclusively in profile (3/4 if you’re Teyona, but she was an exception). Bottom line is that I’m not getting too attached.

8. Jaclyn (Down from 7th)

I wasn’t big on her picture, nor am I particularly on board with her bordering on mental retardation personality, but at the same time, I have to like her for being entertaining. She’s clearly dumb, but she’s also weirdly endearing.

9. Ondrei (Down from 5th)

She’s really adorable but I know nothing about her except that she’s the bittiest of the bunch, her picture was acceptable and she fell on her ass during the runway show.

10. Nicole (Down from 2nd)

Ouch, how the mighty have fallen. While I did like her promo shot, I knew that there was no way she could live up to the high expectations set for her by the majority of the fans. She’s pretty, yes, and that pre-show work is a force to be reckoned with… BUT! Her picture this week was blah, and she’s forgettable.

11. Dominique (Up from 14th)

I don’t think I will ever like her, to be honest. Her freckles sort of look like acne and pockmark scars. It’s… not so cute. But I have to give her some kudos for the infamous disaster at the runway show. Favorite moment of the episode, for sure.

12. Brittani (Down from 4th)

Ooooh, unpopular opinion time! Brittani, to me, looks like any other trailer trash in this country. She’s constantly crying and it’s annoying. Her picture was great but it’s hardly dynamic modeling skills.

13. Sara (Down from 10th)

I wanted her to be a whole lot weirder than she was. Her edit for this episode was basically ‘Dumbass with a rat tail’.

14. Angelia (Down from 3rd)

WHATTTTTTTTT A LETTTTT DOWNNNNNNNNNNN.

So, that wraps up the premiere of ANTM. Next week, beauty shots with bees! They’re traiiiiiined, rooooight?

Due to the Oscars being doneskies, I plan on havingΒ  blogs up on Mondays from here on out. That probably won’t happen, but look for them anyway.

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