FIRST THINGS FIRST… MIKE ROSENTHAL IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

I would normally be kind of upset that they only allowed him to take pictures and not be the guest judge, but Alek Wek is ferocious, so I’m over it. Also, is he gay now? He looks gay. It’s definitely going to put a damper on our relationship if he is.

This episode was a lot truer to form than the premiere. Any semblance of maturity was more or less evaporated when a catfight broke out about marinating chicken, affectionately referred to as ‘Marinate Gate’ by the internet. MARINATING. CHICKEN. Such idiocy hasn’t taken place since a fight over ‘REFRIGURRRATEDDDDD’ vegetables.

Basically, Alexandria had raw chicken sitting in a bowl of barbecue sauce. It was wrapped in foil and it was in the fridge. Monique, in her infinite wisdom, found this all very offensive.

She’s saying ‘This is friggin nasty’, for those that don’t read lips. And for that, Monique is a treasure. My stepmom is NOTORIOUS for saying things are ‘nasty’ when she doesn’t like them and it’s hilarious.

So then, Alexandria comes in and doesn’t get why her chicken is sitting on the counter. Dalya tells her that if something isn’t going to be consumed right away, it needs to be put in a freezer bag and ‘not in a bowl that we eat cereal out of’. Finger pointing ensues. Dalya gets called missy. Jaclyn is terrified of Alexandria whooping her butt-

I, personally, thought Dalya seemed like kind of a dick about the whole situation. A bowl that we eat cereal out of? So… wash it out before you put your damn Fruit Loops in it.

Alexandria is getting an old bitch edit and she’s looking more and more like Renee every time I look at her. Interestingly enough, her crispy ass is still around despite Nicole being ejected from the competition for looking ‘too old’. AKA Alexandria is interesting and Nicole is as dull as dishwater.

Oh, and don’t get it twisted… I love Alexandria and her bitchantics. She is definitely keeping things interesting and more trashy around the house.

And she stabbed herself in the eye while putting makeup on. Girl, you are one of us.

Following this, the girls are subjected to the kind of bullshit exploitation that we’ve grown accustomed to on ANTM. The premise was a therapy session masquerading as an acting challenge where some creepy fuck acting coach ‘plays their inner critic’ and they have to be stronger than that which bothers them.

Honestly, I don’t get my panties in a bunch over most things ANTM related these days. The show’s been on forever now, and we all know it’s going to be ridiculous. THAT BEING SAID… When a girl is crying about how she forgives her adoptive mother for giving her up and creepy fuck acting coach says ‘I could have kept you, I just didn’t’… I’m all:

That, by the way, is Sara’s only notable contribution to this episode.

So, Molly gets shit on for being adopted. Nicole is her own worst enemy. Ondrei, in a truly tragic moment, breaks down when faced with her inner critic- the person who murdered her brother just weeks before the show started. She did briefly talk to Dominique about this at the beginning of the episode and I think Dominique summed it up best

But thankfully, Jaclyn shows up and lightens the mood by yelling at herself! ‘YEW THINK THAT YEW CAN’T MODEL BAHCUZ YEW HAVE A BAYBEEFAYCE AND PEEPULL SAY YER VOICE IS TOO HAH!’ In what was starting to be a major downer of a challenge, Jaclyn and her idiocy lightened the mood exponentially.

Even Alex and her blackened soul can’t help but laugh at you.

Photoshoot time!!!

Mr. Jay makes a few bee related puns before introducing Sexxographer Mike Rosenthal and explaining that their photoshoot will be beauty shots surrounded by bees, which we all knew thanks to the cycle preview with Jaclyn asking if they were killer bees. CHILD, STOP TALKING. As it turns out, Jaclyn is allergic to them, so I guess all bees to her are killer.

Ondrei is completely unfocused and can’t stop thinking about her brother. Nicole is boring. Brittani is $000 ANTM FIERCE@!@!!

She may be a fan favorite, but she’s still mousy and overrated to me. All I see in that GIF is rodent.

Monique owns it, Mikaela starts off flat but gets stronger, Hannaleigh has a panic attack (although we don’t see her saying that like we did in the preview) and Monique makes fun of her for being a sniveling ass, but she manages to deliver.

At judging, Ondrei decides to quit the competition. She’s way too distracted by goings on in her real life. I was so happy that Tyra didn’t try and lecture her about this show being more important than dealing with tragedies.

So, the bee pictures are amazing. My call out order for them:

1. Monique

As evidenced by my previous post, I love this photo. Jizz in my pants worthy. ALT kept saying Shanghai about it and Monique was all WHATTTTT’S SHANGHAIIIII? IS THAT LIKE HIIIIIIGH??? Remember when Tyra compared Mo’ to Shalom Harlow? Yup, I see it.

Molly-

This was, somehow, in the bottom 3. Possibly one of the stupidest call outs since Angelea’s pubic couture getting a second call out. How come it’s okay for Whitney Thompson to have her yap hanging agape but when Molly does it, she’s not ‘bringing enough’? I love this. She looks Swedish or something.

Mikaela-

Now THIS is racial ambiguity. Her face is so striking that she doesn’t even need to do much to look amazing. The M-girls are the way to be this cycle.

Hannaleigh-

This POOR bitch is sobbing her head off and yet, the finished product is pretty stunning. Still not entirely clear what her problem is– it seems like she was just stressed out and started tearing up, but I applaud her for delivering something so pretty.

Brittani-

I really don’t like her but I can’t help but rank this highly.

Also, got a blog comment on this post asking me why I’m ranking her low if I don’t like her. Apparently I have to be fair. First of all, being ranked 5th is NOT low, it’s the ranking she deserves. As for being fair… I’m definitely allowed to have different favorites from you, dumb shit. Suck my balls.

Alexandria-

The full effect of this is lost because of the way it’s cut. Sure enough, it’s a beauty shot, but I can see plenty of Brittani’s scrawny body. Alexandria had sort of a Vitruvian Man thing going on during her set with her arms outstretched and it looked AWESOME. Like Mikaela, the straight on-ness of this photo is a big strength.

Kasia-

Some people said this looks sleepy and likened it to Whitney Thompson, who keeps coming up in this recap, but I think it’s beautiful. It’s serene, which is not something I’d expect to achieve with bees, killer or not, crawling all over me.

Sara-

There’s nothing explicitly wrong with it… I just think the way she’s opened her mouth is sort of unflattering… It looks like she has buck teeth and a massively large jaw.

Jaclyn-

Come on, chick. If you’re going to stick around and be the dumbass of the cycle, can you please be a good model too? It really does look like a random pair of hands is touching her and ruins what is an otherwise beautiful profile.

Ondrei-

I can definitely see hesitation on her face… She still manages to look pretty albeit a little uninteresting.

Nicole-

I think, after staring at this for a little while, that the biggest problem here is the severe looking mouth. They axed her for looking old, which is hilarious because Alexandria looks much older than her, so what they mean is useless to advancing the plot of the show. I digress. It’s just an altogether average picture.

Dalya-

Um, blah? I continue to grow more and more concerned that she’s going to completely SUCK if we see the full extent of her face. First picture was in profile, second picture has closed eyes… What is the deal here? I think I’d be more on board with the closed eyes ethereal thing if her face didn’t look so long and horsey here.

Dominique-

Dominique should just stop modeling and stick around for entertainment purposes. I know that she’s an ‘interesting’ beauty but I am not interested. Her head is too small for her neck and her tongue is bugging me. What a hater I am!

On the show, Nicole and Dalya were the bottom 2 with Nicole being eliminated. In a way, it’s for the best. She has amazing pre-show work and now her name isn’t sullied by ANTM and she can hopefully go back to actual modeling. She said herself that she felt she was focusing too much on being ‘fierce’ and that it isn’t her. Don’t worry, Nicole. It isn’t the fashion world’s thing either.

I’m really bad at predictions so instead, I’m just going to post some speculation on each girl.

In her favor- She’s one of the best when it comes to hilarity (I not-so-secretly love Monique’s dumb Barbie routine, but it’s not for everyone) because she’s not over the top. Her look is unique. She had a bottom 2 in week 1 so she’s really got nothing to do but improve. ALT seems to like her.

Against her- That same unique look doesn’t always translate into photos (see: promo photo). Despite being funny, she doesn’t have much of a storyline or ample screen time.

In her favor- The token awkward girl. Tyra loves taking a hot scruffy mess and giving her a drastic makeover.

Against her- Has she gotten more than one confessional in two episodes? Seriously… She has no storyline. Her pictures have been average-ish and her call outs from the judges reflect that.

In her favor- Photos are generally well received. She’s an instigator, which gets her plenty of bitchy confessionals. I may just be imagining this, but does she seem to narrate quite a few events?

Against her- Called third for her absolutely stunning bee photo, which is a good sign she’ll be eliminated sooner than she deserves. She provides drama, but Alexandria seems to be getting a much more prominent bitch edit.

Kasia-

In her Favor- Plus sized model with an absolutely amazing body. The judges know her from before the cycle so if there’s Saleisha-shit going on, I expect to see her approximately forever. Even when her pictures are weaker (i.e Week 1), she isn’t heavily criticized.

Against Her- People are still wary of plussies because of Whitney. Tyra may want to avoid another scandal. Her pictures are nothing wow-worthy thus far.

Dalya-

In her favor- Franca Sozzani posted on Vogue Italia’s website that she wants to see more black models in her magazine, and Dalya is it. She’s heavily featured in confessionals which will probably provide her with a redemption arc after her disastrous photo this week.

Against Her- As I’ve said before… She photographs well in profile but straight on, she is all kinds of masculine. We all know that unless you’re the pre-selected winner, that’s never a good way to win.

Jaclyn-

In her favor- Basically provides the comic relief of the cycle, but does so without resorting to bitchery. Therefore, she’s going to be a fan favorite for being ‘cute’. She also happens to have a bitching body.

Against her- Cuteness only takes you so far. Her photos have been pretty blah so far.

Molly-

In her favor- Did ANYONE expect her to be so amazing after her shitty promo picture? That’s a success story in itself! She’s adopted, which is a nice sob story. Her first photo got first call out, which almost certainly guarantees her a spot overseas. She’s also blonde and there have only been 2 blonde winners in all 15 cycles.

Against her- Her gorgeous bee photo was in the bottom 3? Are they trying to turn the audience against her so soon?

In her favor- Mr. Jay seems to love her. The obscene amounts of praise he lays on her remind me of his love affair with Kayla last cycle. The judges seem to love her. Skinny and malnourished looking, like so many models currently working.

Against Her- That mousiness isn’t going to work for every photoshoot, is it? Truthfully, I don’t see much against her right now and that scares me.

leigh

In her favor- Getting a first call out after having an emotional breakdown on set is always good because it means the judges don’t think you’re a basket case. She’s… cute. If Jaclyn’s appeal wears thin, Hannah can be her more photogenic stand in.

Against her- Analeigh wouldn’t be in my top 5 if I got to clone myself into another ANTM girl. She doesn’t seem to have much of an edit thus far.

Alexandria-

In her favor- House bitch. Freaks out over people criticizing the way she wraps chicken which equals good TV. Kicking body. Generally photogenic. I also don’t believe in theme song conspiracy theories but she *is* featured last, which generally signifies importance.

Against her- Nicole was axed for looking old… How long will Alexandria stay fresh in the judges eyes? At what point does bitchery lose out to actual modeling prowess?

In her favor- Breathtaking face and bone structure. Photogenic and generally well received for her photos. Seemed to do a lot of talking in episode 1.

Against her- I’ve heard a few people mention that her proportions make her look short. She was barely featured at all in episode 2. Is that face too strong sometimes?

And a few brief words on the eliminated/quitters-

What’s in store- She’s honestly lucky to have escaped from the jaws of ANTM so soon. She can re-adopt her modeling identity of Chloe and turn out more amazing stuff like her pre-show work.

What’s in store- I hope she gets counseling or whatever will best help her deal with the tragedies she’s faced. It would be really cool if she could somehow come back to a later cycle because she’s beautiful and I think she would do well in this competition.

What’s in store- Yuck.

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