I owe all of my faithful readers the biggest apology ever. I can’t really blame anything for my absence other than lack of inspiration. I’m not defeated like I was last cycle– the only girl I disliked was Kacey and she’s not like a Tahlia or a Trangelea– but I sit down to write about this show and then I think of ALT reading his imaginary Vogue where Malaysia’s ass picture is editorial and I feel nauseous, and then much side tracking takes place. I also started a new job, which is a nice change, but it still takes up a lot of time. SO… This is going to be the longest fucking entry ever… WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON!
First things first… I know I mentioned her on my brief Diane entry but I love this GIF so let’s talk about Anamaria some more-
Robbed. And accused of having an eating disorder. By Diane Von Fursternberg, no less! The same Diane Von Furstenberg who has cast models Sigrid Agren and Olga Sherer in her shows THIS VERY RUNWAY SEASON, both of whom make Anamaria look like Whitney Cunningham. Is she thin? Yes, but not uncomfortably so and damn if the point of fashion isn’t to be thin. 71 year old Veruschka just recently walked in a fashion show, but you can bet your Botox that if Veruschka had turned into Marlon Brando, the only place she’d be walking was to the refrigerator. Embrace it. Thin is quintessential to fashion.
And telling someone to eat an avocado and some bread with butter is probably the worst advice I’ve ever heard. Not to mention a waste of an avocado when it gets puked up.
Back to Diane for a moment– I know I called her a hypocrite above but damn if she isn’t the cutest. She gave all sorts of inspirational commentary about how being free will allow you to fly all while not sounding like a pretentious douche who makes up words to sound cool (glares at ALT), plus this, of course:
Bahahaha, no ‘We are the world and are single-handedly going to stop bullying’ circle for Von Fabulous. No sir. Perhaps she saw how well Tyra’s quest to maintain childhood innocence worked out when Cycle 12’s Tahlia got knocked up at the end of the cycle and refuses to be part of such a dismal joke of a cause.
Hey guys, did you know that Esther has 30Gs?!
(I know I posted that one before too… This was initially going to replace the Diane von Fabulous entry but I hate deleting posts with comments so here it is again, in case you forgot what a sick fuck Nigel is)
Yes Nigel. I was serious. Now, you’ve had your pervy moment and I’m the only one who is allowed to talk about Esther’s funbags from now on.
Also in episode 1, we learned that Ann’s ideal man is a 60 year old, fire spitting hobo/warlock who likes to eat sushi and that Kacey looks really fucking stupid on an elevated runway-
Sarah managed to psych everyone out and have us believe that maybe she was sticking around because she looked like Claudia Schiffer’s CLONE in the runway show-
But of course, Tyra bleached her eyebrows off and turned her into a Neanderthal, so that was not to be.
Onto the photoshoot… Bullying. The girls had to hone in on something that they’d been made fun of for and have it scrawled all over them in red. To counteract this sheer smackdown of ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’, they had to take their bully word and make it into something positive.
I loved the assumption that every single one of these girls was picked on. Hey, most of these bitches are hotter than I am and I can honestly say that I’ve got nothing for a bully word. ‘Shops at Old Navy while the rest of us baby prostitutes are at Delias’ doesn’t really have a great ring to it but it’s the best I’ve got. I think my ‘positive spin’ to that would be ‘Isn’t a drunk whore’.
I’ll do a formal ranking of the photos in a separate post because if I do them now, this will literally stretch on for days. Photos to follow. Got it? Cool!
In retrospect, only three of the bullying photos were anything special, so I’ll talk about those 3 girls here and hopefully find a way to talk about the others over the course of the other photoshoots. Wee, format changes a go go!
Everyone knows by now that Ann the Marfan Giant had a monopoly over the first five photoshoots– receiving first call outs for all of them and, of course, she faced major backlash for that. I personally thought she deserved it for the first two and didn’t dislike the other 3 that she was lauded for. Her glory days ended with a still-good third call out at the famous designers photoshoot (unpopular opinion was that I actually liked the results of that) and then she came crashing down, literally:
With the commercial. Ouch. My tailbone hurts whenever I watch that GIF.
The jury is out on Ann… Her backlash has gone down exponentially now that the judges aren’t automatically showering her in FCOs, but a lot of people don’t see how she can lose this. It would be SO like the judges to lather her with praise and then break her down in the double elimination…
Oh, what are you pouting about? I was wrong!
Awwww, Ann… I love you! She gets called Annwardus Supremus on one of my forums and I can’t help but think of her as that… and sometimes I call her ANN!!!!!!!!!#!@#@%@#@!@!!! as a way of showing my appreciation for her. Also in Ann news… This bitch went to the Versace go-see and was deemed bookable. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE! It also helps that her statue photo is my favorite of the cycle. Final consensus on the gentle giant- Yes, you may win this, even though you do sound like you’re weeping in every fucking confessional.
And, if Ann wins, it means that Tyra had to do media damage control before the cycle even started for her winner! That makes Ann even more exponentially awesome in my eyes! Causing controversy before this shit even starts!
So now, we move onto Kayla, who is the muff diver of the cycle. She’s hoping to use this to gain a place on Tyra’s Diverse Wall of Winners. Of course, the sob story ALWAYS has backlash, and I’m usually down but I actually am aboard the Kayla train. Call me crazy, but I actually find her endearing when she’s worrying about interacting with boys. I much prefer it to her insulting people for not looking ‘high feshun’ when she herself has short legs… and, I hate to say it, a decidedly pedestrian face.
With that being said… Kayla has taken some great pictures this cycle. She’s gotten something like three second call outs from me, as well as two (undeserved) first call outs from the judges, and on top of that… SHE KNOWS THIS GAME. During the commercial, she broke down to Mr. Jay about being sexually abused when she was 11 and living with a deep fear of the opposite sex, present company excluded I guess since he’s glowing orange and silver-
She tearfully told him that she’d never told anybody and that he was the only one who knew. NOT ANYMORE HE ISN’T! Bam, Kayla just converted thousands with her tears. Now, like I said… Kayla’s sob story doesn’t have the usual effect on me, so I like her in spite of it. Plus-
If she takes a shot like that, she can be teary eyed about having an unprotected gangbang at a Redbull ranked school for all I care.
At the time of this entry, Kayla is in the top 4, and she’s easily the least deserving for me, but I’m not sad she made it as far as she did. I won’t be quite as happy if she wins.
(!!!!!!!!!! SQUEE, SHE’S OUT!)
Last in the ‘great bullying photos’, we have Chelsey, whose bullying picture is positively ghoulish and a great piece of evidence that greatness can be achieved by doing little more than standing still (see: Marjorie’s windmill shot, Teyona’s Immigrant). Chelsey’s makeover still makes me cringe– she had her two front teeth shaved down to widen the gap she already had-
This does make her more fashionably appealing considering that top models Lara Stone and (ew) Lindsay Wixon have gaps, but it also seems like a fucking IDIOTIC procedure to even suggest considering how short a shelf life an actual supermodel has, let alone a contestant on ANTM. Also worth noting– Chelsey has been edited to be jealous of Ann and disdainful of Liz, but I don’t think I buy it… Ever since Kacey’s departure, the editors have been scrambling for a bitch edit and it’s hard to find.
My favorite part about Chelsey is how red-faced she gets every time they find out they’re going to meet a famous designer. As for her modeling prowess… Wellll, my interest in Chelsey has waned considerably. She still has some die-hard fans who have wanted her to win from the beginning, but she’s doing a consistently average job week by week for me, plus her bleached blonde hair is starting to look hella brassy and I’m not seeing this ‘freshness’ thing everyone else is still talking about.
Chelsey is also in the top 4, and I don’t want her to win, but if she did, it wouldn’t be a huge injustice or anything. I just currently have more love for Ann and Jane.
Yeah, well same to you… bitch.
With week 2, we had a bizarre photoshoot that, when leaked, made everyone think that the shots were perhaps just well edited out-takes since they looked so damned amateurish, plus an out of panel elimination that separated the sister brigade. So, Terra left and Chris went on to become my favorite personality this show has had since Cycle 6’s Danielle Evans. I know, shocker… I was SO not on the Chris train when this all started but bitch had something. We’ll get there in just a second, I promise.
At panel, Tyra called out four names– Ann, Kayla, Chelsey and Chris. They were the only 4 who had taken even decent shots and were safe from elimination, in that order. Also, it’s worth noting that Ann, Kayla and Chelsey were called first, second and third, respectively, for the bullying shoot too.
I didn’t know this at the time, but Rhianna was being set up for elimination the following week, so despite taking a shot that I personally prefer to Chelsey’s and Chris’, she was the first called out of the ‘good group’, aka the best of the worst.
Rhianna’s elimination, the following week, was a weird one… People acted like it was one of the great injustices in ANTM history, and sure… she didn’t deserve it (Kacey did… Holy fuck, if you haven’t seen her picture yet, get ready to laugh your balls off), but for me… Rhianna wasn’t going too far anyway. She was given a filler edit, just like we’ve seen countless times. Sucks, but it has to happen, and I wouldn’t have taken her overseas anyway, so it was all a matter of time. But her fallen angel photo? Lovely. And deserving of that top 4 call-out. I wish I had a GIF or even an interesting picture of her, but I don’t so let’s move onto amazingness-
CHRIS… CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS. LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THIS BITCH. I really was expecting some sort of horrible combination of Malaysia and Trangelea when she showed up at the auditions, but she quickly proved herself to me. She was able to give confessionals that accurately described what was going on without being a twatty ho and even more surprisingly… she took some DAMN fine pictures during her stay, finishing in a shocking fifth place. She crashed and burned in Italy, to the surprise of no one, but while they were still in California, she did an amazing job, especially during the Patrick Demarchelier photoshoot. It was almost like Terra’s presence was dead weight, holding her back… because once Terra was gone, Chris blossomed.
Oh, and Sara was eliminated. I guess I should mention that here since um… her ass is gone after this episode. Yup, she took that gorgeous runway photo but otherwise, she did nothing exciting for me. Ever.
With that, we’re at week 3 aka Swollen Potato. Since I hate Kacey and she never took a great picture, we’ll switch format briefly AGAIN and I’ll talk about her here, despite her taking the worst photo of the cycle for this week. In perhaps the second dumbest decision of the cycle, after letting Anamaria leave first, the judges actually PRAISED her for this monstrosity:
I know I said I was going to save the pictures for another entry, but REALLY?! You have to see that to believe it.
The most offensive part about the photo is that it was called second. Now, I can’t blame Kacey for that, just like Ann can’t be blamed for her five first call outs, but I can blame Kacey for being a dumb ho and screeching so loud that she shattered mine and the entire world’s ear drums when she won a runway challenge– WHICH, by the way, totally was Lexie’s victory. Hmph.
Pretty much everyone in the house hated Kacey, and it was made a major plot point, thanks to her messiness and general idiocy, which, if Cycle 11 was any indication of how she is now, was probably intolerable. She should have left this week over Rhianna, but I was sadly forced to look at her for two more panels. Aaaand, to cap off her uselessness, she pretty much lost her shit ENTIRELY when she was eliminated, as though her life was over. Your life must have been pretty damn shitty if your ANTM elimination is the most devastating thing to ever happen to you. It’s called perspective, eyebags, and you need some.
As for the good shots in this particular photoshoot, which is essentially a beauty shot surrounded by ocean matter and shot behind glass that gives the illusion of water, we had Annwardus Supremus, queen Chris, Kayla, Lexie and Esther.
Esther is… Esther. She has the infamous huge rack, but she ended up being pretty much a massive disappointment, providing me with little material for tit jokes! Her work ranged from stellar (this beauty shot, and the Patrick Demarchelier one) to hot mess (pretty much everything else), so it baffles me when I see people taking her further than Ann or even Kayla, who, despite her terrible body, has a much stronger body of work than Esther. She took a deserving place of 7th for a terrible commercial, but easily could have gone the week before, for me. Pretty girl, terribly uninteresting, and not the strongest model… Although I can see her doing great things post-show, as long as there’s no ANTM kitsch element involved.
Taking a distant second to Chris in the personality department… we have LEXIE. Lexie is awesome, not only because she takes the time to talk to all her fans, even the ones who comment on her statuses about her life to ask her questions about the show, but she also had zero tolerance for Kacey’s bullshit and has made it very clear, post-show, that Kacey sucks. I think she’ll be the tell-all worth reading when ANTM is over, since she seems like she’s itching to spill dirt on the whole thing.
Lexie wasn’t the best model on the show, but I love her underwater shot, even though some say she looks like she’s choking herself. Hey, whatever floats your boat.
Lexie’s crowning moment of awesome was planting a false makeover list to shake things up in the house, with the help of cohorts Rhianna and Ann. In an Academy Award winning performance, Lexie mustered up actual tears so as not to incriminate herself when she saw that she was to get a strawberry blonde afro for a makeover. There are quite a few chops out there, but this one my favorite-
Courtesy of Rich, of course.
Another great thing about Lexie is that she was always opening her mouth obscenely wide to fit food into it, resulting in a number of pornographic looking screenshots that she herself is happy about.
What a minx.
Her presence, after elimination in the following photoshoot, was missed, simply because nobody else even took the time to argue with Kacey, and the editors had to turn Chelsey into this bizarre not-bitch otherwise the catty factor would have been at an all-time low.
Final thought on Week 3- Although Kendal didn’t take a particularly strong shot for me, she did give the best quote of the cycle since her ‘I don’t like semen on my hand’, when she said that their impending photoshoot was scary because, ‘For one, I don’t like seafood’.
Week 4- Lucha va Voom. Also referred to as ‘the wrestling shoot’, or ‘the biggest fucking tranny mess I’ve ever seen’, for some of the more candid ANTM fans.
Not a big week to report on… Best shot was Chelsey’s, by far, because she managed to embrace how camp the whole brief was and deliver something that was so wrong that it was AWESOME.
It was this week that Jane’s cult (which I wasn’t yet a member of), really took a huge hit to their egos. Their princess, who had taken ‘the best shot of the week!!@!’ when the photos leaked, was slapped in the bottom 2 for looking pornographic. My TV cut out during most of panel, but apparently Nigel did some obscene imitation of Jane’s spread-eagled pose. Squick.
Week 5- Rodeo Drive. A great week, because we got to be rid of Kacey and the girls were shot by Patrick Demarchelier, who is a pretty bad-ass old pervert-
For me, he took some of the cycle’s best shots with Jane and Chris, and Kendal delivered too. So, ❤ for Chris and… onto the two hottest girls of the cycle!
Kendal impressed me early on with her dislike of semen. I knew she had no chance in hell at this, thanks to looking like a less prehistoric version of Krista, but when Tyra gave her that Naomi Campbell weave, Kendal transformed into Krista Jr and became Babe Central. She’s truly one of the most stunning creatures this show has ever seen. When the designer photos were leaked (the following panel), I knew her elimination was inevitable (her picture simply isn’t ANTM fierce), but it still saddened me that someone so stunning would be axed. The overseas group could have swapped out Liz for Kendal, and it would have been perfect, for me.
She was, sadly, not given much screen time, but she gave us a few ‘blink and you’ll miss them’ gems, such as her agitated expression and slight cower at Kacey’s ear-piercing challenge win scream-
Seriously, she’s priceless there. She’s just like ‘Bitch, outta my face’.
Now also seems like a good time to mention that Raina, from Cycle 14, recently wrote this obnoxious blog post about the Cycle 15 girls, all of whom pretty much wipe the floor with her boxy frame, and she said that Kendal needed to buy a bag of energy and she would ‘have it’. If Kendal bought a bag of energy, Raina wouldn’t ever be booked for anything again because Kendal is hot… and Raina looks like a box.
Erm, right. Sorry. Side rant– Fake bitchery is perhaps the most annoying thing on the planet. If you have a problem with someone or something, just say it rather than blinking your big eyes and acting simperingly sweet. You’re doing nobody any favors. Yes, Amanda no longer likes Raina.
Time to get THAT bad taste out of my mouth and move onto the stunning Jane.
Ahhhhhhhhh, my love.
I know I said I was going to wait to upload the photos, but you can deal with seeing that twice. Seriously… cutest makeover photo of all time.
I was hesitant to get aboard her love train, because they are an OBSESSED bunch, but I figured that I already had high hopes for her (see my first blog post about cycle 15, where she was my 2nd favorite from the start) and I may as well hop on. Seriously, Jane is this beautiful combination of Natasha Poly and Magdalena Frackowiak which immediately makes her bookable considering the bounty of work those two are getting… but unlike Chelsey, Jane is a blank canvas and her look will translate through multiple seasons.
She’s been criticized by the judges for having no personality, which is generally the kiss of death on ANTM, but it’s the top 4 and she’s still kicking. If miracles can happen, Jane will pull a Nicole Linkletter on us, get the first call out in the penultimate episode, and win the whole thing. Farfetched? Maybe. Can I dream? Yes, I can.
(Sad. But hey, it was a nice thought)
Now, a cycle 15 unpopular opinion: The fashion designers photoshoot (in week 6, which we’re at now) was a great idea, and well executed. They could have chosen some better designers, since bouncy Betsey Johnson is a lot easier than Christophe Decarnin, but… I still like it, overall. None of the girls had anything on Iris Strubegger who did an entire editorial based on this very concept:
… but most of the shots were pretty good. It also helps that they were shot by cute as a button Francesco Carrozzini, Franca Sozzani’s hot son:
And that leaves us with just one contestant… Liz. This bitch… Bah. I knew I’d have problems with her because of the whole ‘I don’t have any money, but I’m going to go on ANTM’ thing, but I didn’t realize what a whiner she’d be. Her designer photo is stellar though… easily the best of the week, although playing John Galliano shouldn’t be too hard since Liz isn’t all that feminine-
Whenever I looked at her, I kind of expected her to smell sweaty, or maybe like a really nasty floral deodorant. It’s quite telling that she didn’t take a photo even worth mentioning until the top 8.
And then, even yuckier, she was all immature in her post-show interview and acted like she’d been edited wrong when the whole damn interview REEKED of making up excuses for your piss-poor performance. TAKE RESPONSBILITY FOR YO SELF, LIZ.
So, that’s all the girls in a nutshell… Did anyone else notice that nobody got a nickname this cycle? What the fuck… I guess my procrastination really did hurt the quality of my writing. The photoshoots, to be honest, have been relatively uneventful. No appearances by Super Smize or anything, probably to try and retain an iota of credibility for this ‘elevated’ cycle. Pushing on with the rest-
The commercial came, as usual, in the top 7, casting out Tits McGee Esther and landing Ann her first bottom 2. Rather than the usual Covergirl abomination, they did a commercial on ROLLERSKATES for something Tyra made up called H2T water. Remember when I said they were trying to remain credible? I may have lied.
I would have sucked BALLS at this seeing as how I could never do much good on skates and generally just camped out by the CD player. The results were, as expected, pretty ridiculous… with only Chris excelling and Jane saying ‘eep’ a lot. She’s so cute.
Onto Italy they went!
One of my favorite GIFs ever came in this episode when Tyra told the girls that they were going to Venice:
That, coupled with Miss. J’s ‘Damn, it smells like ass up in here‘, courtesy of fourfour, had me audibly snorting for like 5 minutes, legit.
The photoshoot was a group shot in a gondola, and it was hilariously divided up into ‘Plausible models’ and ‘Hot messes’ consisting of Ann/Chelsey/Jane and Kayla/Chris/Liz, respectively.
Kayla snagged the first call out and complaining ass Liz went home.
Also strange– The girls were swathed in Missoni designs from the winter collection:
These were CLEARLY made of heavy materials seeing as how Chelsey almost keeled over and died during judging. Still not sure what the point of that was, since, although Margherita Missoni was guest judging but probably wouldn’t have cared if they showed up in regular clothes since half of the girls have a better shot of hell freezing over than walking in a Missoni show.
The next week… GO SEES!
What a mess those ended up being, since Chelsey was the only one who could make it to more than one, but still only ended up getting booked by one client. You could tell that Tyra was ITCHING to be like I CAN MAKE IT TO 504384 GO-SEES, WEARING A PEG LEG IN 4 HOURS, but to keep up appearances, she kept her yap shut. The most exciting part of the whole episode was Annwardus being told she was suitable for both runway and print for Versace. Yes, VERSACE. I like to affectionately refer to Ann and Versace as friends; for example:
‘Versace, Raina said I wasn’t confident enough to be a model,’ Ann said, nearly bursting into tears, as usual.
‘Raina is a box and nobody cares about her.’ Versace patted Ann’s head affectionately. ‘She probably pronounces my name like Ver-Sayce.’
Coupled with my favorite photo of the cycle, and suddenly, I was all aboard the Ann train, since it was clear that my hottie Jane wasn’t taking this thanks to a bottom 2 about her lack of personality. Piss on that.
Despite my euphoria about Ann, Chris went home this episode too, which sucked.
AND NOW, WE ARE FINALLY CURRENT. It took a long time, but we made it. As is now the norm for ANTM… a dreaded double elimination took place in the top 4. I really do hate this because the 4th place eliminations have cut dead weight on numerous occasions– think Cycles 1, 3, 6, 9 and 10, but because they’re literally chopping the contenders in half, someone amazing usually gets the cut along the way. See: Erin, Cycle 13 and Alexandra, Cycle 14. We can now add Jane to the list, sadly. In a shocking twist though, Jane is so hot that she actually made Tyra make sense. The elimination of her and Kayla essentially went like this-
‘Kayla, you should try acting. Bye. Jane, you have such amazing bone structure and I think you should get an agency and test, test, test and you’ll make so much money!’
As for the brief… This week, Tyra added ‘director’ to her resume and did this kinky motion editorial of the girls whippin they hair back and forth, moving seductively around a ballroom and garden and then erotically whispering their name at the camera. Most found it cheesy… I thought it was amazing. Jane looked every bit the part of a model:
Kayla looked like Zoe from Zoom:
Chelsey looked a little bit like a drug addict:
and the Annwardus actually managed to pull off sexy, despite being all gawky and angular:
As for Franca… I had high hopes that she’d show up and be like CHELSEY, YOUR GAP IS TOO BIG… KAYLA, YOU ARE LIKE DINOSAUR… ANN AND JANE, YOU COME WITH ZE FRANCA AND MEISEL WILL TAKE PICTURES but sadly, she was polite and her best comment was what appeared to be a mumbled ‘creepy’ about Kayla.
Awww, love Franca… even if she did say that Jane’s face didn’t have enough character.
Congratulations (!!!!!!) if you actually sat through this whole thing. I really wish I had a better reason for not recapping week by week, but I don’t, and I feel bad about that so I hope this is a captivating enough consolation prize for those who have checked up every week on me. The photos will probably be up sometime next week (It’s my birthday on Saturday, so I won’t be able to do them then!) and I look forward to sassing over them for you all.
And really… does anyone totally not delusional think Chelsey can actually win this over Ann? Chelsey has the far superior runway walk but you’d think they’d have thrown her the first call out for the motion editorial if she was to win this. Nope, instead… Ann breaks ANTM history again with a sixth first call out. Take it home, mama.