Yo bitch, where you been?!

Amanda, you alive?! Giiiirl, I'm shocked!

I owe all of my faithful readers the biggest apology ever. I can’t really blame anything for my absence other than lack of inspiration. I’m not defeated like I was last cycle– the only girl I disliked was Kacey and she’s not like a Tahlia or a Trangelea– but I sit down to write about this show and then I think of ALT reading his imaginary Vogue where Malaysia’s ass picture is editorial and I feel nauseous, and then much side tracking takes place. I also started a new job, which is a nice change, but it still takes up a lot of time. SO… This is going to be the longest fucking entry ever… WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON!

First things first… I know I mentioned her on my brief Diane entry but I love this GIF so let’s talk about Anamaria some more-

Robbed. And accused of having an eating disorder. By Diane Von Fursternberg, no less! The same Diane Von Furstenberg who has cast models Sigrid Agren and Olga Sherer in her shows THIS VERY RUNWAY SEASON, both of whom make Anamaria look like Whitney Cunningham. Is she thin? Yes, but not uncomfortably so and damn if the point of fashion isn’t to be thin. 71 year old Veruschka just recently walked in a fashion show, but you can bet your Botox that if Veruschka had turned into Marlon Brando, the only place she’d be walking was to the refrigerator. Embrace it. Thin is quintessential to fashion.

And telling someone to eat an avocado and some bread with butter is probably the worst advice I’ve ever heard. Not to mention a waste of an avocado when it gets puked up.

Back to Diane for a moment– I know I called her a hypocrite above but damn if she isn’t the cutest. She gave all sorts of inspirational commentary about how being free will allow you to fly all while not sounding like a pretentious douche who makes up words to sound cool (glares at ALT), plus this, of course:

Bahahaha, no ‘We are the world and are single-handedly going to stop bullying’ circle for Von Fabulous. No sir. Perhaps she saw how well Tyra’s quest to maintain childhood innocence worked out when Cycle 12’s Tahlia got knocked up at the end of the cycle and refuses to be part of such a dismal joke of a cause.

Hey guys, did you know that Esther has 30Gs?!

(I know I posted that one before too… This was initially going to replace the Diane von Fabulous entry but I hate deleting posts with comments so here it is again, in case you forgot what a sick fuck Nigel is)

Yes Nigel. I was serious. Now, you’ve had your pervy moment and I’m the only one who is allowed to talk about Esther’s funbags from now on.

Also in episode 1, we learned that Ann’s ideal man is a 60 year old, fire spitting hobo/warlock who likes to eat sushi and that Kacey looks really fucking stupid on an elevated runway-

Oh hell yes... Put on that party dress.

Sarah managed to psych everyone out and have us believe that maybe she was sticking around because she looked like Claudia Schiffer’s CLONE in the runway show-

But of course, Tyra bleached her eyebrows off and turned her into a Neanderthal, so that was not to be.

Onto the photoshoot… Bullying. The girls had to hone in on something that they’d been made fun of for and have it scrawled all over them in red. To counteract this sheer smackdown of ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’, they had to take their bully word and make it into something positive.

I loved the assumption that every single one of these girls was picked on. Hey, most of these bitches are hotter than I am and I can honestly say that I’ve got nothing for a bully word. ‘Shops at Old Navy while the rest of us baby prostitutes are at Delias’ doesn’t really have a great ring to it but it’s the best I’ve got. I think my ‘positive spin’ to that would be ‘Isn’t a drunk whore’.

I’ll do a formal ranking of the photos in a separate post because if I do them now, this will literally stretch on for days. Photos to follow. Got it? Cool!

In retrospect, only three of the bullying photos were anything special, so I’ll talk about those 3 girls here and hopefully find a way to talk about the others over the course of the other photoshoots. Wee, format changes a go go!

Everyone knows by now that Ann the Marfan Giant had a monopoly over the first five photoshoots– receiving first call outs for all of them and, of course, she faced major backlash for that. I personally thought she deserved it for the first two and didn’t dislike the other 3 that she was lauded for. Her glory days ended with a still-good third call out at the famous designers photoshoot (unpopular opinion was that I actually liked the results of that) and then she came crashing down, literally:

I crack me up.

With the commercial. Ouch. My tailbone hurts whenever I watch that GIF.

The jury is out on Ann… Her backlash has gone down exponentially now that the judges aren’t automatically showering her in FCOs, but a lot of people don’t see how she can lose this. It would be SO like the judges to lather her with praise and then break her down in the double elimination…

Oh, what are you pouting about? I was wrong!

Awwww, Ann… I love you! She gets called Annwardus Supremus on one of my forums and I can’t help but think of her as that… and sometimes I call her ANN!!!!!!!!!#!@#@%@#@!@!!! as a way of showing my appreciation for her. Also in Ann news… This bitch went to the Versace go-see and was deemed bookable. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE! It also helps that her statue photo is my favorite of the cycle. Final consensus on the gentle giant- Yes, you may win this, even though you do sound like you’re weeping in every fucking confessional.

And, if Ann wins, it means that Tyra had to do media damage control before the cycle even started for her winner! That makes Ann even more exponentially awesome in my eyes! Causing controversy before this shit even starts!

So now, we move onto Kayla, who is the muff diver of the cycle. She’s hoping to use this to gain a place on Tyra’s Diverse Wall of Winners. Of course, the sob story ALWAYS has backlash, and I’m usually down but I actually am aboard the Kayla train. Call me crazy, but I actually find her endearing when she’s worrying about interacting with boys. I much prefer it to her insulting people for not looking ‘high feshun’ when she herself has short legs… and, I hate to say it, a decidedly pedestrian face.

With that being said… Kayla has taken some great pictures this cycle.  She’s gotten something like three second call outs from me, as well as two (undeserved) first call outs from the judges, and on top of that… SHE KNOWS THIS GAME. During the commercial, she broke down to Mr. Jay about being sexually abused when she was 11 and living with a deep fear of the opposite sex, present company excluded I guess since he’s glowing orange and silver-

She tearfully told him that she’d never told anybody and that he was the only one who knew. NOT ANYMORE HE ISN’T! Bam, Kayla just converted thousands with her tears. Now, like I said… Kayla’s sob story doesn’t have the usual effect on me, so I like her in spite of it. Plus-

If she takes a shot like that, she can be teary eyed about having an unprotected gangbang at a Redbull ranked school for all I care.

At the time of this entry, Kayla is in the top 4, and she’s easily the least deserving for me, but I’m not sad she made it as far as she did. I won’t be quite as happy if she wins.

(!!!!!!!!!! SQUEE, SHE’S OUT!)

Last in the ‘great bullying photos’, we have Chelsey, whose bullying picture is positively ghoulish and a great piece of evidence that greatness can be achieved by doing little more than standing still (see: Marjorie’s windmill shot, Teyona’s Immigrant). Chelsey’s makeover still makes me cringe– she had her two front teeth shaved down to widen the gap she already had-

Squick.

This does make her more fashionably appealing considering that top models Lara Stone and (ew) Lindsay Wixon have gaps, but it also seems like a fucking IDIOTIC procedure to even suggest considering how short a shelf life an actual supermodel has, let alone a contestant on ANTM. Also worth noting– Chelsey has been edited to be jealous of Ann and disdainful of Liz, but I don’t think I buy it… Ever since Kacey’s departure, the editors have been scrambling for a bitch edit and it’s hard to find.

My favorite part about Chelsey is how red-faced she gets every time they find out they’re going to meet a famous designer. As for her modeling prowess… Wellll, my interest in Chelsey has waned considerably. She still has some die-hard fans who have wanted her to win from the beginning, but she’s doing a consistently average job week by week for me, plus her bleached blonde hair is starting to look hella brassy and I’m not seeing this ‘freshness’ thing everyone else is still talking about.

Chelsey is also in the top 4, and I don’t want her to win, but if she did, it wouldn’t be a huge injustice or anything. I just currently have more love for Ann and Jane.

Yeah, well same to you… bitch.

With week 2, we had a bizarre photoshoot that, when leaked, made everyone think that the shots were perhaps just well edited out-takes since they looked so damned amateurish, plus an out of panel elimination that separated the sister brigade. So, Terra left and Chris went on to become my favorite personality this show has had since Cycle 6’s Danielle Evans. I know, shocker… I was SO not on the Chris train when this all started but bitch had something. We’ll get there in just a second, I promise.

At panel, Tyra called out four names– Ann, Kayla, Chelsey and Chris. They were the only 4 who had taken even decent shots and were safe from elimination, in that order. Also, it’s worth noting that Ann, Kayla and Chelsey were called first, second and third, respectively, for the bullying shoot too.

I didn’t know this at the time, but Rhianna was being set up for elimination the following week, so despite taking a shot that I personally prefer to Chelsey’s and Chris’, she was the first called out of the ‘good group’, aka the best of the worst.

Rhianna’s elimination, the following week, was a weird one… People acted like it was one of the great injustices in ANTM history, and sure… she didn’t deserve it (Kacey did… Holy fuck, if you haven’t seen her picture yet, get ready to laugh your balls off), but for me… Rhianna wasn’t going too far anyway. She was given a filler edit, just like we’ve seen countless times. Sucks, but it has to happen, and I wouldn’t have taken her overseas anyway, so it was all a matter of time. But her fallen angel photo? Lovely. And deserving of that top 4 call-out. I wish I had a GIF or even an interesting picture of her, but I don’t so let’s move onto amazingness-

CHRIS… CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS. LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THIS BITCH. I really was expecting some sort of horrible combination of Malaysia and Trangelea when she showed up at the auditions, but she quickly proved herself to me. She was able to give confessionals that accurately described what was going on without being a twatty ho and even more surprisingly… she took some DAMN fine pictures during her stay, finishing in a shocking fifth place. She crashed and burned in Italy, to the surprise of no one, but while they were still in California, she did an amazing job, especially during the Patrick Demarchelier photoshoot. It was almost like Terra’s presence was dead weight, holding her back… because once Terra was gone, Chris blossomed.

Chris at the conveyor belt runway challenge.

Oh, and Sara was eliminated. I guess I should mention that here since um… her ass is gone after this episode. Yup, she took that gorgeous runway photo but otherwise, she did nothing exciting for me. Ever.

With that, we’re at week 3 aka Swollen Potato. Since I hate Kacey and she never took a great picture, we’ll switch format briefly AGAIN and I’ll talk about her here, despite her taking the worst photo of the cycle for this week. In perhaps the second dumbest decision of the cycle, after letting Anamaria leave first, the judges actually PRAISED her for this monstrosity:

I know I said I was going to save the pictures for another entry, but REALLY?! You have to see that to believe it.

The most offensive part about the photo is that it was called second. Now, I can’t blame Kacey for that, just like Ann can’t be blamed for her five first call outs, but I can blame Kacey for being a dumb ho and screeching so loud that she shattered mine and the entire world’s ear drums when she won a runway challenge– WHICH, by the way, totally was Lexie’s victory. Hmph.

The Scream Heard Round the Planet

Pretty much everyone in the house hated Kacey, and it was made a major plot point, thanks to her messiness and general idiocy, which, if Cycle 11 was any indication of how she is now, was probably intolerable. She should have left this week over Rhianna, but I was sadly forced to look at her for two more panels. Aaaand, to cap off her uselessness, she pretty much lost her shit ENTIRELY when she was eliminated, as though her life was over. Your life must have been pretty damn shitty if your ANTM elimination is the most devastating thing to ever happen to you. It’s called perspective, eyebags, and you need some.

As for the good shots in this particular photoshoot, which is essentially a beauty shot surrounded by ocean matter and shot behind glass that gives the illusion of water, we had Annwardus Supremus, queen Chris, Kayla, Lexie and Esther.

Esther is… Esther. She has the infamous huge rack, but she ended up being pretty much a massive disappointment, providing me with little material for tit jokes! Her work ranged from stellar (this beauty shot, and the Patrick Demarchelier one) to hot mess (pretty much everything else), so it baffles me when I see people taking her further than Ann or even Kayla, who, despite her terrible body, has a much stronger body of work than Esther. She took a deserving place of 7th for a terrible commercial, but easily could have gone the week before, for me. Pretty girl, terribly uninteresting, and not the strongest model… Although I can see her doing great things post-show, as long as there’s no ANTM kitsch element involved.

Taking a distant second to Chris in the personality department… we have LEXIE. Lexie is awesome, not only because she takes the time to talk to all her fans, even the ones who comment on her statuses about her life to ask her questions about the show, but she also had zero tolerance for Kacey’s bullshit and has made it very clear, post-show, that Kacey sucks. I think she’ll be the tell-all worth reading when ANTM is over, since she seems like she’s itching to spill dirt on the whole thing.

Lexie wasn’t the best model on the show, but I love her underwater shot, even though some say she looks like she’s choking herself. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

Lexie’s crowning moment of awesome was planting a false makeover list to shake things up in the house, with the help of cohorts Rhianna and Ann. In an Academy Award winning performance, Lexie mustered up actual tears so as not to incriminate herself when she saw that she was to get a strawberry blonde afro for a makeover. There are quite a few chops out there, but this one my favorite-

Courtesy of Rich, of course.

Another great thing about Lexie is that she was always opening her mouth obscenely wide to fit food into it, resulting in a number of pornographic looking screenshots that she herself is happy about.

and

What a minx.

Her presence, after elimination in the following photoshoot, was missed, simply because nobody else even took the time to argue with Kacey, and the editors had to turn Chelsey into this bizarre not-bitch otherwise the catty factor would have been at an all-time low.

Final thought on Week 3- Although Kendal didn’t take a particularly strong shot for me, she did give the best quote of the cycle since her ‘I don’t like semen on my hand’, when she said that their impending photoshoot was scary because, ‘For one, I don’t like seafood’.

Moving on-

Week 4- Lucha va Voom. Also referred to as ‘the wrestling shoot’, or ‘the biggest fucking tranny mess I’ve ever seen’, for some of the more candid ANTM fans.

Not a big week to report on… Best shot was Chelsey’s, by far, because she managed to embrace how camp the whole brief was and deliver something that was so wrong that it was AWESOME.

It was this week that Jane’s cult (which I wasn’t yet a member of), really took a huge hit to their egos. Their princess, who had taken ‘the best shot of the week!!@!’ when the photos leaked, was slapped in the bottom 2 for looking pornographic. My TV cut out during most of panel, but apparently Nigel did some obscene imitation of Jane’s spread-eagled pose. Squick.

Week 5- Rodeo Drive. A great week, because we got to be rid of Kacey and the girls were shot by Patrick Demarchelier, who is a pretty bad-ass old pervert-

For me, he took some of the cycle’s best shots with Jane and Chris, and Kendal delivered too. So, ❤ for Chris and… onto the two hottest girls of the cycle!

Kendal impressed me early on with her dislike of semen. I knew she had no chance in hell at this, thanks to looking like a less prehistoric version of Krista, but when Tyra gave her that Naomi Campbell weave, Kendal transformed into Krista Jr and became Babe Central. She’s truly one of the most stunning creatures this show has ever seen. When the designer photos were leaked (the following panel), I knew her elimination was inevitable (her picture simply isn’t ANTM fierce), but it still saddened me that someone so stunning would be axed. The overseas group could have swapped out Liz for Kendal, and it would have been perfect, for me.

She was, sadly, not given much screen time, but she gave us a few ‘blink and you’ll miss them’ gems, such as her agitated expression and slight cower at Kacey’s ear-piercing challenge win scream-

Seriously, she’s priceless there. She’s just like ‘Bitch, outta my face’.

Now also seems like a good time to mention that Raina, from Cycle 14, recently wrote this obnoxious blog post about the Cycle 15 girls, all of whom pretty much wipe the floor with her boxy frame, and she said that Kendal needed to buy a bag of energy and she would ‘have it’. If Kendal bought a bag of energy, Raina wouldn’t ever be booked for anything again because Kendal is hot… and Raina looks like a box.

Erm, right. Sorry. Side rant– Fake bitchery is perhaps the most annoying thing on the planet. If you have a problem with someone or something, just say it rather than blinking your big eyes and acting simperingly sweet. You’re doing nobody any favors. Yes, Amanda no longer likes Raina.

Time to get THAT bad taste out of my mouth and move onto the stunning Jane.

Ahhhhhhhhh, my love.

I know I said I was going to wait to upload the photos, but you can deal with seeing that twice. Seriously… cutest makeover photo of all time.

I was hesitant to get aboard her love train, because they are an OBSESSED bunch, but I figured that I already had high hopes for her (see my first blog post about cycle 15, where she was my 2nd favorite from the start) and I may as well hop on. Seriously, Jane is this beautiful combination of Natasha Poly and Magdalena Frackowiak which immediately makes her bookable considering the bounty of work those two are getting… but unlike Chelsey, Jane is a blank canvas and her look will translate through multiple seasons.

She’s been criticized by the judges for having no personality, which is generally the kiss of death on ANTM, but it’s the top 4 and she’s still kicking. If miracles can happen, Jane will pull a Nicole Linkletter on us, get the first call out in the penultimate episode, and win the whole thing. Farfetched? Maybe. Can I dream? Yes, I can.

(Sad. But hey, it was a nice thought)

Now, a cycle 15 unpopular opinion: The fashion designers photoshoot (in week 6, which we’re at now) was a great idea, and well executed. They could have chosen some better designers, since bouncy Betsey Johnson is a lot easier than Christophe Decarnin, but… I still like it, overall. None of the girls had anything on Iris Strubegger who did an entire editorial based on this very concept:

Iris as Karl Lagerfeld.

… but most of the shots were pretty good. It also helps that they were shot by cute as a button Francesco Carrozzini, Franca Sozzani’s hot son:

And that leaves us with just one contestant… Liz. This bitch… Bah. I knew I’d have problems with her because of the whole ‘I don’t have any money, but I’m going to go on ANTM’ thing, but I didn’t realize what a whiner she’d be. Her designer photo is stellar though… easily the best of the week, although playing John Galliano shouldn’t be too hard since Liz isn’t all that feminine-

Whenever I looked at her, I kind of expected her to smell sweaty, or maybe like a really nasty floral deodorant. It’s quite telling that she didn’t take a photo even worth mentioning until the top 8.

And then, even yuckier, she was all immature in her post-show interview and acted like she’d been edited wrong when the whole damn interview REEKED of making up excuses for your piss-poor performance. TAKE RESPONSBILITY FOR YO SELF, LIZ.

So, that’s all the girls in a nutshell… Did anyone else notice that nobody got a nickname this cycle? What the fuck… I guess my procrastination really did hurt the quality of my writing. The photoshoots, to be honest, have been relatively uneventful. No appearances by Super Smize or anything, probably to try and retain an iota of credibility for this ‘elevated’ cycle. Pushing on with the rest-

The commercial came, as usual, in the top 7, casting out Tits McGee Esther and landing Ann her first bottom 2. Rather than the usual Covergirl abomination, they did a commercial on ROLLERSKATES for something Tyra made up called H2T water. Remember when I said they were trying to remain credible? I may have lied.

I would have sucked BALLS at this seeing as how I could never do much good on skates and generally just camped out by the CD player. The results were, as expected, pretty ridiculous… with only Chris excelling and Jane saying ‘eep’ a lot. She’s so cute.

Onto Italy they went!

One of my favorite GIFs ever came in this episode when Tyra told the girls that they were going to Venice:

That, coupled with Miss. J’s ‘Damn, it smells like ass up in here‘, courtesy of fourfour, had me audibly snorting for like 5 minutes, legit.

The photoshoot was a group shot in a gondola, and it was hilariously divided up into ‘Plausible models’ and ‘Hot messes’ consisting of Ann/Chelsey/Jane and Kayla/Chris/Liz, respectively.

Jane's hotness

Kayla snagged the first call out and complaining ass Liz went home.

Also strange– The girls were swathed in Missoni designs from the winter collection:

These were CLEARLY made of heavy materials seeing as how Chelsey almost keeled over and died during judging. Still not sure what the point of that was, since, although Margherita Missoni was guest judging but probably wouldn’t have cared if they showed up in regular clothes since half of the girls have a better shot of hell freezing over than walking in a Missoni show.

The next week… GO SEES!

What a mess those ended up being, since Chelsey was the only one who could make it to more than one, but still only ended up getting booked by one client. You could tell that Tyra was ITCHING to be like I CAN MAKE IT TO 504384 GO-SEES, WEARING A PEG LEG IN 4 HOURS, but to keep up appearances, she kept her yap shut. The most exciting part of the whole episode was Annwardus being told she was suitable for both runway and print for Versace. Yes, VERSACE. I like to affectionately refer to Ann and Versace as friends; for example:

‘Versace, Raina said I wasn’t confident enough to be a model,’ Ann said, nearly bursting into tears, as usual.

‘Raina is a box and nobody cares about her.’ Versace patted Ann’s head affectionately. ‘She probably pronounces my name like Ver-Sayce.’

Coupled with my favorite photo of the cycle, and suddenly, I was all aboard the Ann train, since it was clear that my hottie Jane wasn’t taking this thanks to a bottom 2 about her lack of personality. Piss on that.

Despite my euphoria about Ann, Chris went home this episode too, which sucked.

AND NOW, WE ARE FINALLY CURRENT. It took a long time, but we made it. As is now the norm for ANTM… a dreaded double elimination took place in the top 4. I really do hate this because the 4th place eliminations have cut dead weight on numerous occasions– think Cycles 1, 3, 6, 9 and 10, but because they’re literally chopping the contenders in half, someone amazing usually gets the cut along the way. See: Erin, Cycle 13 and Alexandra, Cycle 14. We can now add Jane to the list, sadly. In a shocking twist though, Jane is so hot that she actually made Tyra make sense. The elimination of her and Kayla essentially went like this-

‘Kayla, you should try acting. Bye. Jane, you have such amazing bone structure and I think you should get an agency and test, test, test and you’ll make so much money!’

As for the brief… This week, Tyra added ‘director’ to her resume and did this kinky motion editorial of the girls whippin they hair back and forth, moving seductively around a ballroom and garden and then erotically whispering their name at the camera. Most found it cheesy… I thought it was amazing. Jane looked every bit the part of a model:

She makes me question my sexuality.

Kayla looked like Zoe from Zoom:

Come on and Zoom!

Chelsey looked a little bit like a drug addict:

Requiem for a Chelsey

and the Annwardus actually managed to pull off sexy, despite being all gawky and angular:

No personality, my ass

As for Franca… I had high hopes that she’d show up and be like CHELSEY, YOUR GAP IS TOO BIG… KAYLA, YOU ARE LIKE DINOSAUR… ANN AND JANE, YOU COME WITH ZE FRANCA AND MEISEL WILL TAKE PICTURES but sadly, she was polite and her best comment was what appeared to be a mumbled ‘creepy’ about Kayla.

Awww, love Franca… even if she did say that Jane’s face didn’t have enough character.

SO!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations (!!!!!!) if you actually sat through this whole thing. I really wish I had a better reason for not recapping week by week, but I don’t, and I feel bad about that so I hope this is a captivating enough consolation prize for those who have checked up every week on me. The photos will probably be up sometime next week (It’s my birthday on Saturday, so I won’t be able to do them then!) and I look forward to sassing over them for you all.

And really… does anyone totally not delusional think Chelsey can actually win this over Ann? Chelsey has the far superior runway walk but you’d think they’d have thrown her the first call out for the motion editorial if she was to win this. Nope, instead… Ann breaks ANTM history again with a sixth first call out. Take it home, mama.

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My wonderful, fabulous readers–

I HATE that I haven’t been present this entire cycle! I also hate when I log in and I see a bunch of comments from fantastic people who miss me because it makes me feel like a horrible bitch!

Please rest assured that an epic post is coming your way ASAP.

Diane Von Fabulous

I was, overall, quite impressed by this episode. Maybe not as much as Nigel was by Esther’s tig ole bitties, but still impressed.

HOWEVER… HQ versions of the faux-tos are nowhere to be found and what is the fucking point of recapping without them?!

First things first-

This bitch was robbed. And she doesn’t have an eating disorder just because she’s on a calorie restricted diet. Who the hell are we to judge her when all we see is selective editing? Skinny? Fuck yes. But not necessarily suffering from a problem. And Tyra telling her to eat some bread and butter and avocado was pretty ridiculous.

Love her. She didn’t need to throw out a bunch of pretentious sounding made up French bullshit– I’m still not sold on ALT who brought back ‘gauche’ when describing Jane– because she was able to effortlessly class up the panel without even trying. And when Tyra couldn’t hold back any longer and splooged about ‘inspiring young girls’, Diane quickly moved her hand out of the WE ARE THE WORLD prayer circle that Tyra, ALT and Nigel were making. I love that despite being on the show, she knows she’s above it.

HOWEVER… Her whole song and dance to Anamaria about beauty being health was bullshit because both Olga Sherer and Sigrid Agren have walked for Diane’s runway shows despite making Anamaria look like Whitney Thompson. Although I suppose rabid hypocrisy is to be expected even from fashion elite. This IS ANTM, after all.

Anyway, I really do want to recap this episode, but without the photos… it feels very bare bones. Plus, I worked all weekend and my brain is fried!

I am nothing but a jelous blogger.

*Sorry about the delay on this… I was hit by a major bout of self consciousness because of my piss poor coverage of Cycle 14, so I hope this was worth the wait… I’ll try and work more diligently for the rest of the cycle*

Cycle 15 literally came out of nowhere! I was in the middle of writing a post about Australia’s and found out that the premiere was on in four hours! Color me surprised.

Maybe it’s because I wasn’t invested in those bizarrely cropped pre-show photos but now I finally feel like I can give at least SOME witty banter about each of the girls thanks to auditions and all of that.

Before I go there though… Can I just say that I find it really hilarious that after 14 cycles, ANTM is finally trying to legitimize itself? It’s like ‘Uh, we’re sorry about pretending that Seventeen and a Covergirl shot that was put in roughly zero stores nationwide would launch a career, so we’re changing shit up!’ Although, finally, the winner of this show has something more than handful of cheesy prizes to look forward to. Whoever wins may not be the next Sasha Pivovarova, but not everyone can say they had a spread in Vogue Italia.

So, I’m going to recap the girls, starting with my least favorite and working up-

Sara-

Uh yeah, no I don’t. The title of this entry is dedicated to Sara and her only notable contribution to my ANTM life as of yet– Posting an angry Facebook status about ‘jelous bloggers’ hating on her for pursuing her dream. I often wonder, when people use the whole ‘I’m following my dream’ thing, what the fuck show these girls are watching. They didn’t know that this cycle was actually going to have decent prizes when they signed up! Yes, following the dream of being, for the most part, unemployed? How ambitious of you!

On top of her poor spelling skills, Sara seems like one of those people who doesn’t know when too much is enough. She came in to her audition with this scary, thundering voice to deliver a rap that literally just meshed together and sounded like roaring. She will either be out first for being as boring as dry toast or she’ll make it way too far.

She gets the slightest props for choosing Diet Coke as her survival item on a desert island.

Kacey-

This bitch was back for all of five minutes and she started stirring shit up, talking about how Jordan (the most repulsive semi-finalist of all time, btw) didn’t want to be there and then pinning the very concept on Lexie. Hating on Lexie is a sin punishable by death, first of all… but I do like drama, so it wasn’t necessarily the way this all went down that turned me off but REALLY?! YOU SAY YOU’VE MATURED AND THIS IS HOW WE START THINGS?

I see Kacey as a video hoe with nice cheekbones. She’s attractive, but she’s not special. The judges have already sealed her fate by talking about her massive eye bags (not to be confused with Esther’s funbags!) and how aged she looks, and usually that shit is saved for a few episodes in. Can’t say I’ll miss her when she’s gone!

Final thoughts on this bitch– We didn’t want her in Cycle 11 when she was making comments about Isis’ penis (LOVED when Miss. J saw her and was all ‘Your boyfriend just texted me… He’s out with Isis!’ By far his funniest joke in legit years) so why would we want her in a Vogue cycle? Don’t let the door hit you on the eyebag, Kacey.

Hoo child.

Terra-

She’s the older and more jank of the sister gimmick. They collectively remind me a bit of Jack’ee Harvey, the mom from Sister, Sister. Color me stone faced, but I’m over their whole act already. You can’t tell me that there aren’t some funny sisters out there that actually look like models.

I just look at this and see a cousin of ShaRaun… Gross. She was called last into the house at the semi-finals and when her name was finally called, she and her sister about shit the bed freaking out. Wait, didn’t you both say that it didn’t matter if you both made it? So much drama. So over it.

Lastly, whenever I look at pictures of Terra, I think of Tyra mimicking Krista’s vampire picture and saying ‘I smell dookie’. I think that says it all when it comes to Terra.

Chris-

Hardly an upgrade from her sister, but I can see her being stronger in the inevitable side by side comparisons that will come fast and loose until their eliminations. Is it bad that I am DYING to see them in a double elimination together? Preferably with Rhianna: ‘Chris, you may have beaten Rhianna….. *long pause* at the challenge, but you and your sister are eliminated’.

I didn’t follow that whole ‘tick tick flash’ thing or whatever she was going on about in their audition and would be hard pressed to tell you what it all meant because I was pretty much already cross eyed from the whole ordeal. Boo hiss, Amanda’s a hater.

Also, check this hot picture out!

GIVE HER THE PRIZE ALREADY, Y’ALL!

Liz-

HUGE problems with this one right from the start. To all my welfare receiving fans out there, stop reading this shit and get a job because you’re going to hate me by the time I’m done dissecting Liz.

She admits to receiving food stamps and government assistance, which I take huge offense to, kid or not, because she COULD stop getting piercings and buying gladiator sandals AND GOING ON A CRAPPY REALITY TV SHOW and then she wouldn’t need to take freebies from tax payers. WORST OF ALL… Tyra tells her that admitting she’s a mooching slug is ‘noble’. This is the same woman who practically sneers at anyone with an education. Oh, piss on you for going to an Ivy League school but GO FOOD STAMPS. I work at a shitty fast food job too and it pisses me off to know that my deductions are going to people like Liz.

Plus, she looks like Prince.

Rhianna-

So, she was my ultimate dead last pick because she reminds me of this bitch that my former roommate used to bang and said bitch was effing disgusting… We all called her Slut Tits behind her back because she was just dough faced and repugnant to boot. A few things have boosted Rhianna in my opinion though…

1. She registered on RTVGames as ‘Antmdirtysanchez’… That is so boldly profane and disgusting that I can’t help but admire her for it.

2. This chick can pose… Tyra told her to pose like a weeping willow and she sunk into this fantastic representation without having to be like IS DIS FIERCE?!

3. Her body is as great as her face is gross. I still don’t like her ill attempt at Blossom what with all those hats but I’m almost willing to forgive it because she is tall and thin.

Tyra wants to call her ‘Willow’ thanks to that aforementioned imitation of a willow tree that she did. Since I doubt I’m going to get any Rhianna/Chris jokes out of this cycle, I will potentially be embracing this. Either that or she’s Dirty Sanchez.

Lexie-

After reading her posts on RTVGames and formspring, I can safely say that this is one cool chick. I would love to put her higher but I can’t embrace her look just yet. She’s still a little too long faced, although she does appear to have all of her chromosomes– what a pleasant surprise!

I dig that she’s gracious to fans… In the above GIF, that middle finger is to Cycle 7’s Melrose for being a snot nosed fuck face to ANTM worshippers. I love this.

Lexie got kind of a stealth bitch edit in the first episode, but I wasn’t too perturbed by this. So she hated that blockhead semi finalist Jordan? Dude, so did everyone with a brain. I’m anxious to see where she goes from here for me.

Ann-

Ann both terrifies and annoys me, but I do have some hope for her. She is one of those quintessential weird girls– All dreary, stoned sounding voice, kind of like Nicole Fox only about 40938492304 times less hot. I suspect that she has Marfan syndrome, actually. No offense intended.

Ann caused controversy because Tyra ‘Kiss my fat ass!’ Banks was all googly eyed over Ann’s tiny waist (reportedly the smallest in the world?), which caused all the ‘Obese is beautiful too!’ people to get up on their high horses and act disgraced by the very notion that someone tall and thin was trying to be a model. The horror.

For real though… Ann needs a lot of work. And 6’2 is hella tall– I know that Karlie Kloss is 6’0, and Tiiu Kuik is 6’1 but I can’t think of any models that are 6’2. When you’re already a giant, that one inch makes a difference.

Kayla-

I can already see my love for her rising exponentially (especially after seeing the preview for episode 2… She makes my heart flutter a little bit). I loved that she came into the audition with ramen noodle hair. The fact that she couldn’t walk in the room without making a wrong turn plus her white blonde hair kind of reminded me of Anya, which is ALWAYS a wonderful thing.

And, she also is the first sob story of the cycle! I totally stole this from RTVGames but it’s so funny that I had to-

Apparently our curly haired little pumpkin slept in a sleeping bag until she was 13 because her mom was poor. She should have taken a page out of Liz’s book and stolen my tax dollars. Oh wait, fuck everyone who does that.

Esther-

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS!

BOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBSBOOBS

What else is there to say about her except that she’s super pretty and owns amazing bras? My guess right now is that she’ll be praised initially for keeping the puppies under control but will then be eliminated for being too busty. As if her tits grew four cup sizes during the show.

Kendal-

She has probably the smallest chance of winning thanks to looking like a less prehistoric version of Krista from last cycle.

They really are alike– Krista voiced her disdain with white penises in her audition and Kendal hates semen. No, really. Tyra asked her why, at 23, she was still a virgin, and here I am expecting this religious answer and then she says she hates splooge. And she likes cuddlin’.

Simple solution is to a) stop giving handjobs and have sex with a condom or b) consider lesbianism.

Anamaria-

Thanks to her invisi-edit… I can’t find a GIF of her ANYWHERE so here’s a closeup of her shot with Chelsey during the semi-finals

I am seriously hoping that she doesn’t die on the elevated runway seen on the preview for next episode and that she is a stealthy bitch. I am crazy about her face and she is one of the thinnest girls there (rest assured, that’s a good thing coming from me and I have no intentions of shunning her for that). She, for some reason, was practically invisible during the first episode though, so we can only hope that this isn’t a sign of a no personality edit.

I also asked her about her favorite models and she mentioned Karina Gubanova which is a sure sign that this chick actually follows fashion. Rather than the standard ‘Gisele/Adriana/OMG TYRA BANKZZZZ’ answer, she gave someone who isn’t even on Models.com

Jane-

Erm, another one that is GIF-less. Interesting that my top 3 (because the same is true for Chelsey) didn’t have any GIF moments.

Doomed before the show has even begun. Despite sporting an absolutely beautiful jaw and rock hard abdominal muscles… Tyra hates her for going to Princeton and having a barn with horses. Check it out– Food stamps are noble, but going to Princeton is worth curling your lip at. Total bullshit. This is the same edit as Victoria, Katarzyna and Natalie. It sucks, because she’s gorgeous (although hugely overrated by my forum– The sun does NOT shine out of her ass!) and I hope she makes it far.

Also, it’s worth mentioning that Jane (and Kendal!) were both scouted via Tyra.Com, which just might work in Jane’s favor since Tyra will be all I FOUND YOU ON MY WEBSITE AND I AM DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SUCCESS YOU HAVE. Don’t think it will work with Kendal because of the whole Krista’s little sister thing I mentioned above!

Chelsey-

If there is any justice on this planet… Here’s our winner.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s address some shit stains on this premiere episode-

-The opening. Tyra is dressed up like a school girl and is re-enacting her model voyage, all while talking about Italian Vogue as though she was one of Franca’s regulars. I promise to never make fun of this show again if there’s a conversation like this one:

Tyra- This isn’t Italian Vogue at all…

Hamster- HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?!

Also, I am taking bets now about whether Tyra will appear in the Vogue Italia spread, like she does in the winner photos. It’ll be her way of saying LOOK Y’ALL, I WAS IN VOGUE ITALIA.

-The diary debacle. This was so irrelevant seeing as how it involved two girls who didn’t even make it into the house. Basically, this bumpkin named Emily gave the requisite confessional about being from a small town and therefore sheltered. Can you say racist edit?! Surprise surprise… Another reject named De’Yana (I wonder if she and Spontaniouse knew each other!) totally broke one of the cardinal rules and read Emily’s diary which apparently contained a blurb about ‘having to share a room with a black girl. Ew’.

Oh, give me a fucking break. First of all… Don’t read someone’s diary. Kind of like don’t read someone’s text messages because they might be talking about what a fuck you are. But really… both of them suck. Don’t say ‘ew’ when talking about someone’s race, even if you’re not racist and just an idiot.

-Vanessa and Jordan. Vanessa, to me (and Tyra!), looked like Megan Fox. She was about as helpful to this episode as Megan is to the film industry.

Jordan, however, makes Vanessa look like Mother Theresa, possibly even in a diva kind of way. She is, without question, the most utterly repulsive semi-finalist they’ve ever had. One of my ultimate least favorite things on this planet is hipster emo bitches who shun anything mainstream and whinge incessantly about how different they are. YET HERE YOU ARE ON A FUCKING CW SHOW, CRYING YOUR EYES OUT WHEN YOU’RE REJECTED AFTER COMPLAINING ALL CYCLE ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU DON’T WANT THIS AND HOW EVERYONE IS SOO INFLUENCED BY POP CULTURE. I WISH YOU WOULD BE INFLUENCED BY THE RULES OF HYGIENE AND TAKE A SHOWER.

Beyond heinous.

And I loved that Lexie and Jordan had to be partners for the ‘direct competition’ part of the episode. (POSE WITH THE PERSON MOST LIKELY TO BE YOUR COMPETITION AND OUTSHINE THEM!) Whoa, poor Lexie. Being likened to Jordan is just offensive. I did think it was great when Mr. Jay was like ‘Jordan is trying to be sexy with you, and you’re not having it!’ to Lexie. Uh, kudos Lex. I wouldn’t touch that scabby bitch with a twenty one and a half foot pole.

And there you have it. Cycle 15 is upon us and I already like it more than Cycle 14! Here’s hoping to more excellence for the rest of the cycle!

There are no words…

Kathryn is gone.

I am dead.

Oooh, whatcha say?!

I’m getting that uneasy feeling that I started to get when Tahnee was in the top 5 of the competition despite taking some hilariously bad pictures. That festering uneasiness in my stomach has a name and it is called Sophie.

I mean, seriously… How uncool is it for the judges to try and tell me that this girl:

is a model and somehow capable of taking a shot worthy of Italian Vogue? It doesn’t matter how prettily dressed she is… She can’t change her face and is an unfresh sore amongst a sea of pretty models.

She’s already taken the spot of one girl that’s far superior to her and I fear, after this week’s orgasm over her picture, that she’s going to take another. And people actually seem to be BUYING this chick now. I don’t see how taking a picture that is only slightly less mediocre than your previous ones makes you a contender for a prize when your competitors have been consistently strong. In related news, I am not speaking to Alex Perry until Sophie is eliminated or loses this competition because he seems to be her most passionate supporter. What happened to looking expinsive, Perry? Sophie is leathery and aged. She is cheap to the max.

Rant over. For now. The photoshoot was some sort of wintery styled thing where the girls were swaddled in fur and meant to look soft and hot, but not slutty.

Jessica-

The body is really necessary for this-

She’s such an edgy beauty and this is so soft and romantic… Plus that subtle angle of her legs looks amazing. Unfortunately, she has no chance in hell at winning this thing because Sarah and Jez, who I KNEW I hated, were going on and on about how she wasn’t ‘modern’ and looked too classically beautiful… What about her is classic? Half of the time, she looks like a character from a Tim Burton movie. Also, it seems that Alex “I ❤ Fake Tans” Perry hates Jess too and Wifey is the only one giving her the respect she deserves. She fought pretty hard for Jess in this episode, and she was called third.

Kathryn-

Well, her top call out streak finally ends, but not by much. This shot just drags emotion out of me– I literally want to cry if I look at it too long, no melodrama intended. It’s just so soft and beautiful. So if I’m all choked up about this, why did I rank it second? Eh, this is only a tiny nit pick but it’s not all that different from most of her previous shots. I’m a big believer in “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”– Kathryn is gorgeous and doesn’t have to do much to take a flawless picture but I do appreciate the variation from Jess just ever so slightly this week.

Kelsey-

WHY does everyone hate this picture?

Seriously, I’ve actually heard people compare her to Trangelea here. WHAT?!?!?!?! I think she looks beautiful… entranced by something and ever so slightly sad about it. There are lots of complaints about her looking old, which is okay but not if you like Sophie’s picture seeing as how she looks about 35 in hers. I digress. This is great, and better than her alligator picture from last week.

Joanna-

Okay, so her face looks like she has an itchy nose and the pose is a little bit slutty looking but I’ve actually decided that I like it. To say that she looks anything other than crazy expinsive is totally bullshit, ALEX PERRY. In a way, I’m relieved that she’s gone (although she didn’t deserve it) because I was starting to think she could win based on how orgasmic the judges got over some of her pictures.

Amanda-

Her worst picture, by a longshot… Her not being bottom 2 for the same tense lipped, blank stared photo is just more proof that this competition is hers to lose. Her body alone will get her to the finale, but being excused from a picture this bland makes it quite obvious to me– this was her competition from day 1. I love this girl but not this picture.

Leatherface-

I would love this picture if Sophie had no face. Wifey Dawson mentioned there being very little market for headless models at one point in the cycle, but I think Sophie has a real future in faceless modeling. Because really.. It doesn’t matter how beautiful the surroundings are, or how expinsive the clothes are… If your face is aged and not fresh… The picture doesn’t work. It’s not Vogue Italia. It’s not even Vogue Knitting. It’s just another exercise in mediocrity by Sophie and a wrongful elimination for someone else.

And with that, I’m basically spent.

Fight to the death, Australia and Britain 😉

Addressing 2 things–

I started this entry last week and didn’t post it, so I’m just going to add the animal photos and leave last week’s text the way it was.

First things first… The primary focus of this blog is ANTM. The ranking of Australia is just a good distraction. This, however, has been halted slightly thanks to Foxtel throwing a tantrum and deleting all accounts that post episodes of Australia’s Next Top Model. Not just the current cycle. ALL OF THEM. Needless to say, this girl is NOT happy because really, it’s their dumbass fault that the photos were spoiled in the first place, so yes, just punish all the fans by not letting them watch the show AT ALL.

In spite of this… The photos are still available and assuming they get rid of Brittney (YES!) and Sophie, it’ll be one hell of a group, so I’m going to keep recapping. I won’t be able to rely on my dear Alex Perry or Charlotte Dawson for sass though, so I’ll have to compensate by adding some of my own.

As for ANTM Cycle 15… Yes, the girls have been released, but the only thing we have are decidedly awkward promo photos, albeit not outfitted in leotards so it’s an improvement. I’ll be posting a separate entry all about that sometime this week.

Anyway, on to the Australia photos-

The goal here was a sort of thematic deal for Impulse Body Spray… Each girl had an aura that they were going for (I don’t know what they were… Kimberly’s was like young love, I think?) and so that may have had something to do with the judges rankings. I’m more concerned with the overall look of the shot than such a stupid brief. Favorite, for the third time in a row, is–

Kathryn-

This girl is trying her luck at a top call out score EVER from me. Seriously, three consecutive first call outs is not too shabby. I think the quality of the shot is a little cheap but everything about her modeling is right. This is pretty enough to sell fragrance, to me, and I like the way she’s cocking her head back while keeping her body straight.

Jessica-

She’s back at the top, where she belongs, with this shot. Yes, this dress might widen her frame a little bit but it’s not as if she’s sporting extra baggage so it’s not a bad thing… I think the whole thing looks romantic and a little whimsical. She looks so strong and in tune with the camera.

Amanda-

This is really, really, really gorgeous… And identical to last week’s shot. The angle, the swing of the hair… The only difference is that she’s wearing a flowy dress here as opposed to a bathing suit. Amanda is a good case of ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’, so while her shots are starting to blend together, they can’t be classified as bad by any stretch.

Kimberly-

So, Kimberly takes her best picture since her lovely 50s style one and then gets eliminated for it? Say what? I think she actually owns her haircut here, embodying a funky street chic vibe. Apparently she’s supposed to be young love, which I don’t see AT ALL but the picture is awesome… She looks like McKey. I’m not sad to see her go, but I do wish she’d been eliminated for one of her lesser pictures.

Kelsey-

This has grown on me and then waned and then grown again… There’s something a little teeny bopper-ish about it… Like, vaguely reminiscent of Miley Cyrus here, but I still like it… it’s fresh and modern. And, since Impulse body spray is kind of inexpensive, I’m okay with the fact that she’s not looking uber ‘expinsive’ in this picture.

Sophie-

Finally, someone styled Sophie’s hair in a cute way! Alert the media! It’s still kind of unfresh… She looks kind of like Meg Ryan here but I do love me some cupcakes and she is fitting in moderately well with that whole sort of cute bakery chick motif they’ve got going on here. One of Sophie’s better shots.

Joanna-

This is really the first time that I’ve not understood the hype of  one of Joanna’s pictures. She looks so… sweaty and disheveled, vaguely teenage prostitute-y. I think her face looks tense and she doesn’t do anything to propel her miserable outfit from common trashy teenager to hot model.

Brittney-

Ugh, can we please get her out of here?! If Joanna’s shot is like farmgirl in the city selling blowjobs, this is straight up streetwalker. Brittney took a hot photo last panel and then this abomination shows up on my computer screen… but KIM got eliminated? What a ridiculous load of crap… This is seriously so gross… Sweaty, aged and cheap.

Week 6- Posing with Animals

Um, duh. What does it sound like?

Kathryn-

Yup, read ’em and weep… Kathryn delivers my favorite shot… AGAIN. I don’t believe that any other contestant has a consecutive winning streak under their belt, and I’m so happy for her… I don’t think she’s going to win though, and despite my adoration for her photos, I don’t know if I think she should. In addition to not being chosen AGAIN for a casting type situation (this time it was a commercial), she also has bad skin, so not a whole let of presence in person.

BUT BACK TO THIS PHOTO… It’s absolute magic. Send it to Vogue. Here it is uncropped-

Amanda-

This suffers from the worthless Australia cropping thing that goes on quite often… You can’t even see the animal which is…

A piggy! I was surprised to see him too… I thought for sure it was a dog.

Anyway, Amanda looks SMOKING hot… Her fabulous body is really on display here. It’s almost as good as Kathryn’s.

From here, it’s another one of those scenarios where the pictures are hard to rank because they’re all at least decent but they don’t particularly stand out over the others, much like the bathing suit shoot two weeks prior-

Joanna-

This looks much hotter without the stupid cropping… With it, this is probably one of the weakest thanks to a slightly dopey expression, but when you see the whole shot, the snake looks absolutely awesome. I love the eye contact here but I think she does look a little apprehensive facially despite a strong front.

Jessica-

The cropping doesn’t have a terrible effect on this shot so I won’t bother to post a smaller version. Anyway, the dog is adorable and it’s a cute picture overall but it doesn’t exactly have a fashion edge to me. Also, is it just me or does Jessica look a little um… special?

Sophie-

I’m not wowed by this in any way and think that it could be so much more thanks to the creepy little alligator… Basically, she looks scared shitless. The only thing propelling this above Sophie’s is the fact that Kelsey looks like a model and not someone’s mom.

Sophie-

She has a pretty awesome body… I only wish that her face was less old and unfresh and that people could learn to style her hair. Seriously, it’s just looking ridiculous here. Also, a goldfish? Random. The composition of the shot is okay but I’m forced to put her in the bottom two because I find her face genuinely unpleasant to look at.

Brittney-

Yawn, worst. What else is new? I never once spelled her name correctly on the first try. Will not miss.

So, we now have a pretty amazing group in the top 6.

Amanda- Still thinking she’s the winner.

Kathryn- The best in photos but she never gets chosen for anything. I think that’ll be her downfall.

Kelsey- Beautiful but will Alex Perry eventually turn his back on her because she’s short?

Joanna and Jessica- Both beautiful and photogenic, but they did better at the beginning, for me

Sophie- The weakest left, by far… But she is improving in her pictures. A little bit.