My ANTM Addiction Starts Here

I get the concept they were going for (it’s a rip-off of something from Britain’s Next Top Model), but considering that Russell James was the photographer, I’d expect way more. He’s responsible for my FAVORITE shot from a NTM show… Cassi van den Dungen’s (Australia- Cycle 5) Desert Lingerie:

So, what I got last night? Meh. At best. In fact, I’m still deciding how to rank them, because I don’t particularly like any of them, but here we are, for your viewing pleasure, in order from favorite to least favorite girl. There are no closeups as of right now, but very little emphasis was placed on the face during panel anyway.

Nicole-

There’s sort of a funky, Kristen McMenamy thing going on with her face (and I don’t really like Kristen McMenamy, so take that with a grain of salt). I like that her body is graceful, and I don’t really get the shitstorm Nigel had over her legs and feet… They look fine and LONG. Get over it, perv boy.

Erin-

This is definitely not my second favorite shot and figured I’d just clarify and say that this is in order from favorite CONTESTANT to least favorite contestant. This is pretty bad, yeah. I don’t agree with either of Erin’s previous bottom 2s, and I’m glad she’s still in the competition, but yeesh, yeah. Not a fan. From what you can see of her face, she looks like she’s blowing bubbles, and all her floaty fabric stuff is behind her and looks like golf clubs.

Laura-

Laura’s shot is especially mermaid-esque, because she’s way down in the water. Unfortunately, I don’t really like much else about the shot. I like the sort of ‘ooooh’ thing she’s doing with her lips but if you look too quickly, the bluish hues of the lighting are making her look a little bloated, and the positioning of her legs distorts her body a little bit.

Jennifer-

She’s doing the infamous Barbie toe thing, which would totally be Marisa Miller’s equivalent to smize if she ever got to host a NTM show. Speaking of which, she should definitely replace Tyra. Back to Jen… I actually do like this shot. I think it’s hilarious that some of the most deluded Jennifer fans say she has a perfect body as this shot clearly showcases that that is in fact, utter bullshit, but it’s a cute shot, and I actually sort of like the straight legs.

Sundai-

First of all, this little peanut broke my heart when she was eliminated. I knew she’d be devastated, and I was right. I think this is probably one of her better shots. She looks far taller than her 5′3, and yes, she lost the face, but come on, so did Erin and Laura, so it’s not like it wasn’t a common theme here.

So, the call-out scores will remain the same and I will work on figuring out my thoughts regarding these mediocre shots. Also, this photo recap is longer than my full recap was yesterday. Thought you should know! =)

<3

This entire episode was a massive sexual innuendo. Marisa Miller, famous for being a Victoria’s Secret angel, is one cheeky bitch.

She was pretty active in the episode, probably to pique the interest of straight guys forced to watch the show with their girlfriends (Hi Andrew!) Basically, she taught the girls how to roll around in the sand and be all sexual. Mind-boggling. But, amongst this enthralling lesson was her EXCELLENT critiques.

‘DON’T BE LITTLE PUSSY…. CATS (she truly waited like three seconds before saying cats). GET YOURSELVES ALLLL WET. NOW THAT YOU’RE ALL NICE AND WET, GET ALL SANDY.’

Sandy vagina? Ewwww.

‘DON’T RUB YOUR BOOBS, LAURA. I WANT TO SEE YOUR BUTT. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO CATCH IN THERE? SUNDAI, STOP SPITTING’

The ‘close your mouth’ comment was to Jennifer. So, in conclusion, Marisa Miller is the best challenge director/guest panelist EVER.

Nigel tried to join the fun by telling Nicole that she’d won a ‘beautiful pearl necklace’, but eeeeewww, put it away, perv boy.

And speaking of perv boy, he would not shut up about how bad Nicole’s feet were in her photo. He then reassured everyone that he ‘loved feet’, just not hers. Aaaand the always modest Tyra stuck her shoe in his face. Then Marisa did. Aaaand then Miss. J did. Ew again.

Back to the sexual innuendo… the saucy Miss. Miller was the guest panelist, as I mentioned before, and she said she didn’t like how ‘erect’ Jennifer looked in her shot. OH MY GOD, GIVE THIS BITCH A MEDAL. NAAAAOOWWWW. Miss. J had to ruin it by being like ‘It’s NEVA too erect’. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. AGAIIIIIIIIN.

I have nothing else to say, except that wow, these pictures sucked, Happy Birthday Laura and THANK GOD SUNDAI IS GONE.

I have no qualms with the photoshoot whatsoever… I think people are overreacting about this bi-racial thing being offensive. But does anyone else think it’s hilarious that Erin’s only knowledge of Tibet was that it ‘needed to be freed’ and that all Tyra could tell her about Tibet was that the Dalai Lama was from Tibet. Forget blackface… These contestants/host are the real racial stereotype.

So, let’s rank these. Gorgeous shots all around. And just in case anyone was wondering, Nicole is now in contention to get my top callout score of all time.

Nicole-

She was meant to be Japanese and Madagascan, which I dunno if I really see, but good god, this picture is just more perfection from Nicole. People are starting to hop on the overrated train, but honestly, she’s deserved all the praise she’s gotten. This is so graceful and strong, and although I think the ‘you need neck’ thing is overused, how sexy does her neck look here? If this bitch doesn’t win, there is some serious injustice in the world. Watch her go next week =(

Erin-

The more I look at this, the more I love it. I don’t care that Tyra said she was lost… She looks stunning. There’s something so dreamy and serene about her face… You don’t need to be squinting (fuck smizing) your face off to deliver a great shot.

Brittany-

WHAT?!?! ELIMINATED?! I think the right (her left) side is divine… but I’ll admit that she does get a little overwhelmed by the styling. That’s the only negative though, because honestly, the whole regal and stoic thing she went for is perfect for this particular combination. I think it’s gorgeous, and easily the best picture to get an elimination this cycle.

Jennifer-

First of all, major kudos to her for finally closing her damn mouth. I’ve heard some people say that her mouth actually looks a little too tense, but it doesn’t bother me. No, I just find the body pose to be a little underwhelming. It’s still one of Jennifer’s stronger photos, but she was the one who deserved the ‘You could have pushed this’ critique, not Brittany.

Laura-

Everyone knows that I find Laura delicious, and this certainly isn’t bad, but it’s just not as strong as the others. I think that as Greek/Mexican, she had two of the more recognizable races and her styling lets her down a bit. I like the broken down pose, but the face is a little goofy.

Sundai-

It’s cute, but does anyone else suspect that she’s like 3 feet tall and walking around on stilts the rest of the time? Seriously, the twelve year old thing is so insanely true… and it’s not like a high fashion Jac Jagaciak fifteen, it’s total Baby Gap. Oh wait, didn’t the judges say all of these things, in addition to saying she’s a one look wonder? OH AND SHE WASN’T BOTTOM 2′D FOR THIS SHOT?!?! OH MY GOD. I mean, it’s not even close to the worst of the cycle, nor is it Sundai’s worst shot by any means but it’s easily the weakest of the panel and Sundai is definitely the weakest link of the remaining girls.

Observe:

This is the best one… The site I get my closeups from has three different closeups for each girl for the Ninja shot, but only one for Sundai-

Same. Pursed. Lip. In. Every. Shot.

I rest my case.

Call-Out Scores:

Nicole (1.7)- 1/2/2/2/4/1/1/1

Erin (3.3)- 4/4/1/3/3/3/7/2

Laura (4)- 6/1/5/6/1/4/4/5

Rae – 4.2

Brittany (5)- 9/3/11/4/5/2/3/3

Courtney- 5.5

Kara- 5.8

Luly- 6.6

Jennifer (6.8)- 10/11/4/10/9/5/2/4

Rachel- 7

Sundai (7.7)- 14/9/8/5/6/8/6/6

Ashley- 9.2

Biyanka- 10.7

Lisa- 12

And here’s all the shots in a collage form =)

The most notable moment of this episode was Erin’s ’song’ about the remaining girls:

‘MY NAME IS NICOLE AND I LIKE ART

MY NAME IS JENNIFER AND I LOVE TO FART

MY NAME IS LAURA AND I’VE HAIR LIKE A POODLE

MY NAME IS SUNDAI AND I LOVE NOODLES

MY NAME IS BRITTANY AND I LIKE MATH

MY NAME IS ERIN AND I KICK ASS’

This brings to light some interesting concepts. Are we being denied some serious Jennifer fartage? Why was Sundai so thrilled to be told she likes noodles? This isn’t the first time she and noodles have been put together, so I’m wondering if there’s some sort of sexual relationship going on? Also, Erin, you are such a poignant lyricist. Just sayin.

It’s all, honestly, downhill from here. I know I say that every week but this week was boring in addition to having a bullshit elimination. The girls went to Hawaii, because apparently they’re not special enough to go to a foreign country. Erin won the challenge, which was some mundane surfing thing, and she got a tour of Hawaii but bitched that it wasn’t as good as jewelry. Sundai was called out on her ‘one look’, which by the way, isn’t even cute, but then was praised for looking like a ‘fierce twelve year old’. I invite you all to look back at the uber-amazing Allison ‘Creepychan’ Harvard from the previous cycle, who was bottom 2′d for looking the same in every photo. Unlike Sundai, whose hair looked randomly different this episode, and better, Allison’s look was actually relevant and fashion-forward. BULLSHIT. She delivered another sub-par shot while Brittany and Erin, who took the second and third best shots of the panel, respectively, were bottom 2′d.

Ew.

So, that leaves us with Nicole, Jennifer, Laura, Erin and Sundai. Considering that people were convinced Brittany could pull a surprising win, the possible winner is now up in the air. Jay Manuel recently said that the winner was ’surprising’. So, since there’s really nothing of coincidence to report about, I’ll speculate a bit-

Why each girl would be a surprising winner-

Nicole- An actual deserving winner. Consistently hot pictures, tallest girl which goes against the purpose of a ’short cycle’ ultimately.

Jennifer- Wouldn’t really be surprising. Only thing I can come up with is that she’d be the first one to get a first call out at the first commercial week, which hasn’t happened yet.

Erin- Getting a major bitch edit on top of a brat edit.

Sundai- Is heinously mediocre and her call out reflects this

Laura- Country bumpkin to the max. Goes beyond having an accent and stuff.

Likewise, why each girl could win-

Nicole- For the same reason that she’d be a surprising choice. She’s ridiculously kickass. Also, I feel as though we’re getting prepped for a repeat of last cycle, with the first call outs alternating between her and Jennifer (like they were with Allison and Teyona).

Jennifer- She’d be a nice addition to Tyra’s multi-cultural winners collection. As much as she has irritated me, her win wouldn’t be totally heinous.

Erin- She’s a bit of a Melrose… Overachiever, ridiculously hard on herself. Also, Tyra clearly likes her seeing as how Erin literally looked Tyra in the eye and called her out on bullshit (which was cool. In short, Tyra was the photographer again this week and said that Erin was so dynamic and awesome the first time she shot her, and that she was meh this week. Erin was all ‘UH, YOU SAID I HAD NO PERSONALITY THE FIRST TIME, SO I WAS DIFFERENT’. So kickass) and didn’t get eliminated.

Sundai- As the shortest girl, her win would be the most appropriate if Tyra is serious about embracing shortness.

Laura- Would easily be one of the most lovable winners.

In conclusion, Sundai needs to get the fuck out. Being kept around because you’re the shortest and you look like a Baby gap model= NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I guess we know which girl is up Nigel’s ass this week. Sundai, apparently, can give a hell of a beej.

The photoshoot was, as I said before, shot by Tyra. Guess budget cuts are really getting the best out of them. Laura was sunburned from the surfing challenge the day before, Erin knew nothing about Tibet except that it ‘needs to be freed’ and the concept was, as most have been so far this cycle, pretty kickass. The girls had to portray ‘Hapa’, which is the Hawaiian word for ‘half’, or bi-racial beauties.

The original bi-racial butterfly is NOT impressed.

I’m too lazy to go through and legit morph all these races together, so I took some artistic liberties here and showed you what each girl was going for:

Laura’s Mexi-Greek:

Antonio Banderas and Uma Thurman. Hot.

Erin’s Tibetan-Egyptian-

Brad Pitt and Aishwarya Rai. Oh come on, remember Seven Years in Tibet. Best I could do.

Sundai’s Moroccan-Russian:

YOU DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS MOROCCAN Alicia Keys and the always fierce Vladimir Putin

Brittany’s East Indian/Native American-

Jessica Alba, the picture of multi-culturalism and Al Pacino, who is obviously Native American (or because Kevin Costner, Emile Hirsch, Sean Penn and Marlon Brando weren’t on Morphthing)

Jennifer’s Botswanan/Polynesian-

Rachel ‘I’m not from Botswana, I just helped them in The Constant Gardener’ Weisz and Alfonso ‘My middle name is Lincoln’ Ribeiro

Nicole’s Japanese/Madagascan-

The legit Japanese Mao Zedong and the most absurd submission of all Megan Fox!

Obviously, the photos aren’t quite on this level of awesomeness, but they’re all pretty decent.

And if anyone takes this as some sort of racial thing, blow me. Multiple times. The jury is already out about this shoot, but I loved it. Stop making mountains out of mole-hills, drama queens. K thnx.

And ultimately, two great lines that I just remembered after looking at my notes:

Tyra (to Erin, after telling her she’s survived a second bottom 2, despite acting all insecure and intimidated around Tyra on set): Just imagine me in my underwear!

Erin: That would intimidate me even more!

*****

Laura (in regards to being out in the Hawaiian sun): I’m like a lil piglet roastin in a skillet!

Next week… We can only hope Sundai’s ass is gone. But, expect major revising of ANTM history: ‘Sundai, your photo have been incredible! Nicole, you have consistently sucked! Go home!’ I’ll die. Or vomit.

Pictures will be up tomorrow <3

Apologies on the delay of this post… I couldn’t find any screengrabs until today and Youtube continues to be unhelpful by deleting everything. As of 1:31 pm EST, these clips all work:

Rae-

Jennifer-

Sundai-

Brittany-

Nicole-

Erin-

Laura-

Based on these clips, here are my rankings:

Nicole-

Okay, so listen… She and Jennifer both did an awesome job. Seriously, by far the best of the bunch. But after several rewatches, I felt like Nicole’s, despite ‘not being her real personality’ (which, by the way, C9’s Jenah was chastised for acting too much like her real self and not some bubbly, rainbow spewing mushroom like Saleisha), was REALLY cute and just slightly better than Jennifer, who, if you watch closely, looks a little stiff at places. It’s an extremely close race, but Nicole > Jennifer, and when did a little bias ever hurt anyone? =)

Jennifer-

Rest assured, Jennifer fanboys… She really did do a great job. And she’s never looked more beautiful. I thought the head bobbing (which I’m sure Nigel loved, bahahahahah) was a little over the top after I watched the commercials again. Still, first call out for this commercial is fine by me.

Brittany-

So, she’s a little stiff and lacking in the personality, but she actually looks sweet and youthful, and she has a nice presence. Most importantly, she doesn’t have any awkward gaps in her speech at all.

Laura-

I love, love, love how cute she is… She looks like this picture of Southern adorability, with her hair all wavy and billowing around her shoulders. Unfortunately, she definitely had some awkward pauses, so I can’t rank her any higher, despite thinking that the finished product was pretty good.

Rae-

She looks sort of manic in this screenshot, hahahaha. Overall, I didn’t think she did THAT bad. She sold the product well, probably because she’s so gorgeous, and yes, she had some awkward pauses, but ugh. I’m pissed she left. Her photos should have saved her. Which is more than I can say about the shitshow that is-

Sundai-

I just felt like I was watching some horrible Covergirl salesperson who will eventually need like sixteen facelifts or something. I know Sundai is young and naive and stuff, but she really bugs me… To save her ass from being elimination worthy, she needed to deliver something better than this.

Erin-

There’s really no way around it… This was bad. She’s been this high fashion darling throughout the competition and then she gets slapped with a commercial challenge and realllyyyy fucks it up badly. It makes me sad. I’m glad she wasn’t eliminated, seeing as how she didn’t deserve to go based on one slipup (though, neither did Rae) but yeah, this was shitty. Poor Erin.

New call-out scores-

Nicole (1.8)- 1/2/2/2/4/1/1

Erin (3.5)- 4/4/1/3/3/3/7

Laura (3.8)- 6/1/5/6/1/4/4

Rae (4.2)- 2/7/7/1/2/6/5

Brittany (5.2)- 9/3/11/4/5/2/3

Courtney- 5.5

Kara- 5.8

Luly- 6.6

Rachel- 7

Jennifer (7.2)- 10/11/4/10/9/5/2

Sundai (8)- 14/9/8/5/6/8/6

Ashley- 9.2

Biyanka- 10.7

Lisa- 12

=(

This episode was super boring, in true Cycle 13 fashion. So, allow me to take this time and tell you that you honestly missed nothing special if you missed the episode. Rae was eliminated, and Erin was in the bottom 2 with her- I predicted this, by the way, go me! It was truly infuriating to see two of the strongest models in the competition for not doing well on a Covergirl commercial while the all kinds of meh Sundai (yes, Sundai. Bitch is curdled and is no longer a Sundae. Seriously, all she does is talk shit about the others. In this episode, Erin was ‘obnoxious’. Giiiirl, take a look at yourself!) bounced over to the safe zone with a 4th call out. Seriously, Sundai is supposed to be a ‘commercial model’, yet she keeps failing at these commercial tests… Horrid commercial performance– she sounded like a car salesman– and she booked zero clients at the go-sees. Add in her mediocre photos and ugh, her being there just bugs. After all, she has had a bottom two appearance and no first call out, whereas Erin and Rae have both had first call outs and no bottom two appearances. I’m hoping she’s GONE next, and not dragged to the top 4 like Dominique was in Cycle 10, at the expense of a much stronger girl.

Rant over… for now, at least. Until Sundai gets booted, she will probably be the target of my wrath and Forrest can be spared. We’ll get to her in a moment.

THE HIIIIIILLLLSSS ARE ALLLLIIIIIIVVEEEE

The show really resorted back to its old tactics by having Rae tell us literally at the start of the show that she missed her daughter but knew that being here was the best thing for her. Hello, insta-bottom 2? Erin gave the second confessional and essentially admitted to being jealous of Nicole’s photos, but then quickly countered that by saying that Nicole was socially inept and that she (Erin) had the more relatable personality. Boo hiss, gray eyebrowed lady. Rae, however, seems to have gotten over the Nicole hatred, as evidenced by a head banging contest between the fierce redhead and the albino twins. Rae informs us that Nicole has a cool, weird, laidback personality.

Laura informed us all that she was severely dyslexic before the challenge which was dumb, and the worst part about it was that ANN FUCKASS SUCKETT (the editor of the most high fashion magazine ever, SEVENTEEN OMGGGGZZZ) WAS THERE TO JUDGE. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Bitch was all ‘I’m so hip, I’m so cool’, and millions everywhere got up for their daily bulimia when they saw her big ass nose… The girls had to interview some chick from 90210 using a teleprompter, and during their interview, the teleprompter ’stops working’ and produces a bunch of jumbled up shit. How amazing. When it was Laura’s turn, my first thought was ‘Awww, this poor bitch is going to think that all the words on that teleprompter are just her dyslexia!’ Erin and Jennifer did well, Laura had that whole dyslexia thing against her, and Nicole was chastised for asking the 20 year old Jessica if she had children of her own. Ann SUCKett and Co. acted like she’d just asked her if she thought abortions were a reliable form of birth control. They were all like OH, THAT WAS SO INAPPROPRIATE. SUCKett is just jealous that nobody wants to have kids with her. Erin wins the challenge, and she, Rae and Jennifer get to do a beauty shoot. Results looked pretty good.

Commercial was boring too… The girls wrote their own scripts… Erin ‘obnoxiously’ (thanks for NOTHING, Sundai) finished hers in record time. On the set, Jay introduced… Nigel? Again? Give me a break. They’re definitely utilizing this creep a lot more this cycle, but leads me to believe that people actually LIKE him *shudders*. He will apparently be the commercial di-rector. Also re-introduced is Teyona, reptilian queen and the winner of Cycle 12. Girl has NOT being eating as she is about 30% clavicle and 70% forehead. She gives a sort of sad, bland speech about how lucky the girls are that they get to do a commercial about mascara, liner AND shadow. Okay, back in your corner, Tey.

Highlights of the commercial-

-Nicole, shockingly, does really well. She also looks expectedly incredible. Nigel tells her to ’smize’. Oh fuck that shit, are they actually trying to make that legit?

-Sundai emphasizes all her words strangely. Nigel thought she was amateur. Also, the way he says ‘makeup’ is really funny. He just sounds like such a priss trying to be porny.

-Jennifer, much to my chagrin, did an excellent job. Perhaps a little bouncy, but it worked for me.

-Rae is all sorts of awkward and gets the dreaded BLAND stamp.

-Brittany is literally a robot. Also, I don’t think she’s done a confessional in weeks.

-Laura is cute, but it takes her quite a while to deliver.

-Erin fucks up, majorly. She cries and has to have her makeup re-applied FOUR TIMES (THE HORROR!), and causes his prissiness to get all irritated by her weeping. Seriously, he gets all offended by her.

Yawn. Panel time. Guest judge is Kim Kardashian, who is even more irrelevant than Lauren Conrad. Tyra gives her a super flattering intro, which shocked me, seeing as how I thought her achievements were getting pissed on by Ray J and having a fat ass. But shockingly, she was actually kind of… good. She gave constructive criticism and stuff. Apparently she’s hiding a brain beneath that thick layer of bum bum!

Highlights of panel-

-Jennifer’s commercial is expectedly masturbated over. She doesn’t catch shit for her excessive head bobbing (didn’t really bother me either, but it’s annoying that Cycle 6’s Furonda was criticized for it and Jen wasn’t. Although it’s worth noting that they both received first call outs. Maybe that’s the way to get it?)

-Nicole is told that the commercial exhibited in her commercial is nothing like her, but ‘poppin’ anyway. Second call out. Work it out, bloody eyeball.

-Laura’s dyslexia is handled like a bunny or a rainbow… Cycle 8’s Brittany was bottom 2′d for having memory loss from a friggin car crash, but Laura, probably due to a likely top 3 appearance, was scott free. Bottom 3, but decidedly spared. And Tyra didn’t even say WELL I NEVER READ FROM A TELEPROMPTER AND I ALWAYS MADE UP MY SCRIPTS GIIIRL FIERCE WORK IT SMIZE. I know. I too, was shocked.

-Brittany is told she’s too mathematical. Tyra tries to tell her that 1+1=3. Don’t ask. I don’t get it either. The other judges are like OMG TYRA, YOU’RE SO SMART. Remember when I said this show had some validity? I lied.

-Sundai’s bomb of a performance is chuckled appreciatively at. I started groaning at this point, because I knew that bitch was safe, undeservedly.

-Rae and Erin are bottom 2′d, and are all sad and hugging each other as Rae gets booted.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I feel that this is a Lauren Brie elimination. Worse, even. Lauren Brie had a couple seriously weak shots to boot her ass, but Rae only had one that I didn’t like. So yes, I knew it was only a matter of time before we had a BS elimination, and HERE IT IS. And if Sundai doesn’t go next, the next one is BS too.

Farewell albino twins!

I’m sad to see her go, since she was well… hot as hell, and delivered a number of great shots.

I wish I’d said this last week, but I officially dub this the cycle of the eyes. Also, visit Fourfour.typepad.com

Ashley- Lazy Eye

Jennifer- Wonky Eye

Also, I love Laura. She has happy eyes!

Kara- Glass Eye

Nicole- Bloody Eye

Erin and Biyanka- Eye-brows. Or lack thereof.

Sundai- Eff that bitch.

Tyra- Eyebags

Anyway, check back tomorrow for updated scores with the commercials averaged in. I’m hoping to snag some screen grabs from somewhere.

Thanks for reading yet another boring ANTM episode. Love you all, especially Brian for letting me use his albino twin GIFs <3

I don’t want to get my hopes up and think that maybe Nicole will win this thing, but damn, that girl is amazing. She totally broke the ‘awkward girls suck at go-sees’ stigma and WON, and then took the best photo, by far. I said GODDAMN, I love this chick.

In fact, I love her so much that I’m going to not rag on Jennifer at all and rather, will just focus on the positive things of the episode. Most notably-

The Go-Sees Were Awesome-

The clients actually included plausible jobs for itty bitty models. A commercial, a jewelry company, etc. Awesome things that happened during said go-sees:

-Nicole was told she was beautiful, versatile, fabulous and bookable. And she was wearing black framed nerdy glasses. Oh lawd, she is beautiful. Also, BITCH WON THE GO-SEE CHALLENGE. YESSSSS.

-Rae used a Minnesota accent for her commercial audition and it was all kinds of awesome.

-A photographer told Erin to ‘not smile with her eyes’, but to give them a little more life. Oh Tyra, did you know that your ‘advice’ is being undermined by the real world?

-Brittany put her shoes on a table at one of the clients offices and I swear to god, she shot a dog too, based on their reaction. The women in charge were like I DON’T WANT THOSE SHOES NEAR MY COLLECTION.

-Kara, who I really do like, was called scruffy and greasy. Is this mean? Yes, yes it is. But that bitch had a major case of stank this episode.

So while we’re on this matter, let’s discuss the major Mean Girls mentality in the house. Seriously, Erin looked Nicole in the eye and said ‘They just wanted to give you a win’… Whoa now. That’s not Regina George, that’s Courtney Alice Shayne. Then, Kara and Sundai started bitching about how much Nicole sucks, and Kara even went on to say that she hated Nicole. Wow, overdramatic much? So ultimately, that’s why I’m glad Kara got told she was greasy and that she and Sundai were in the bottom 2 this week… Regina and Gretchen Weiners, you’ve been served a hefty dose of karma. Also, both of their pictures sucked, and Nicole’s yet another first call out worthy shot. Yeahhhh, boyyy. Oh and, Nigel, by the way, is Karen Smith. He’s always menstruating about Nicole’s stoner voice, which honestly, is the one thing that worries me, because I’m afraid they’ll dump the YOU DON’T HAVE RAINBOWS BUBBLING OUT OF YOUR ASS bullshit on her like they’ve done to so many other amazing models. Seriously, looking at the non-success of all the past winners, you’d think that spewing rainbows would no longer be a concern. OKAY, RANT OVER.

I, uh, feel like now is a great time to tell everyone that I thought Jessica White was RuPaul when I saw her on the judging panel.

Whoops.

But actually, when I look at this photo, I understand why Furonda doesn’t have much post-show work.

Other things I learned on ANTM this week-

-Rae drives like an 80 year old.

-The Wilhelmina guy has some serious sass in him… He friggin BARKED at Rae and Sundai (who were late arriving back from their go-sees) about wasting money and all this shit. Oh, it was so funny.

-You can look really modelly in pictures, but not in person but sort of actually in person and be told you’ve never had any light in your photos even though you got a first call out in week 1. I also just realized that all three of these points have been about Rae.

-Kara apparently ’showed her beautiful face’ in week 1, despite being told by Dumbtard Nigel that she was showing too much profile, and also, Tyra thought she was going to make the top 3.

-TYRA USED TO DRIVE AROUND L.A WITH NO GPS.

-Brittany is definitely getting the ‘too sexy’ edit because they friggin BLURRED HER TITS OUT DURING KARA’S ELIMINATION. OH SNAP, LIKE 10 SECONDS AFTER TYRA TOLD HER THAT HER TOP WAS TOO LOW AND WOULD LIKE PORN ON TYRA HERSELF. THEY BLURRED OUR HER ITTY BITTY TITTIES. I’M STILL LAUGHING.

-Laura tried to do a hoodrat accent, and even though I loved her, it was really bad. Also, she doesn’t know how to use a parking meter.

-Having un-pierced ears is a sin in fashion. Just ask Kara. She seriously was like 0/4 this episode.

-Praying for 1 minute in traffic will get you back to Wilhelmina on time. I won’t tell you who said this. You can guess yourself.

-Fo has done enough to garner a Top Model in Action spot. Work it out, shortest girl of Cycle 12 who would still be taller than all these girls, bahahaha.

An update on the current edits-

Nicole- A possible winners edit. She’s being hated on by everyone except Laura. It’ll be a big eff you to them if she wins. Also, Tyra seems to like her.

Jennifer- Still a very plausible winner… Modeling through her um, eye issue.

Laura- Fun and lovable, but probably not going to be taken seriously when it comes down to crunch time.

Rae- Not modelesque enough in person.

Erin- Lacking in personality.

Sundai- Bad photos, but being kept around because she fits the mold for ‘majorly overstayed welcome’ that is so common on ANTM

Brittany- Too sexy.

Also, since the photos were leaked a week early (THANKS YAHOO TV!), I’m going to rank the links in this post (they’re pretty big, so it’s better that way), along with my updated call-out scores. I’ve made some slight tweaks. Nothing majah though.

Nicole- Homegirl was on fire this week. All three of these pictures are fantastic.

Brittany- She’s got some seriously great face going on here… She’s not looking starving or anything… nice cheekbones and eyes.

Erin- I know that I always seem to have her in perma-third (check the UPDATED CALL OUT SCORES below to see some minor tweaks) but I can’t rank this higher than the other two. I mostly like the far right photo… I think the orgasm over the middle one is a little unjustified, personally, but yet again, this is a strong, intense shot.

Laura- She’s great, of course, but this doesn’t really stand out that much for me. Nothing wrong here, but just sort of cute, and not special.

Jennifer- I like the middle one. A lot. But I don’t like the ones on the left or right at all. Resisting urge to make Forrest comments. I’m being good, but only this week, since she wasn’t heinously overrated. OKAY, MOVING ON, I SWEAR…

Rae- Same thing as Jennifer, only I don’t think her middle photo is as good as Jennifer’s. Yes, gorgeous and ethereal Rae is underperforming for me this week. She looks like she wants to spear my face.

Kara- I like the middle one a lot (I’m sensing a pattern) but the ones on the left and right are actually… pretty bad. Who knows if this is really an indication of her performance, but her pictures did go a bit… downhill.

STILL, IT IS BS THAT KARA WENT WHEN SUNDAI LIVES ON-

Sundai- Reality check for this one, plz and thanks. Every shot is the same face, the same leg, bland, bland, bland. She should have gone, major stankosity and jealousy from Kara or not. And she won’t win, so why get her hopes up?

I’d just like to point out that that isn’t all that different from the actual call out order. Oh god, what is going on here?

Call Out Scores *Updated*

Nicole (2)- 1/2/2/2/4/1

Erin (3)- 4/4/1/3/3/3

Laura (3.8)- 6/1/5/6/1/4

Rae (4.1)- 2/7/7/1/2/6

Courtney (5.5)- 3/8

Brittany (5.6)- 9/3/11/4/5/2

Kara (5.8)- 5/5/3/7/8/7

Luly (6.6)- 8/6/6

Rachel- 7

Jennifer (8.1)- 10/11/4/10/9/5

Sundai (8.3)- 14/9/8/5/6/8

Ashley (9.2)- 11/10/9/9/7

Biyanka (10.7)- 13/12/10/8

Lisa- 12

In conclusion, I will not apologize for my Nicolegasm. This girl is divine. She is amazing. She is my favorite contestant since Creepychan.

Wow, I just realized that I wrote ‘Sundai’ all recap instead of Sundae. I must really be mad at her.

None of this group shit. But, just as a reference, here are the three group shots…

Laura, Ashley and Kara-

Hungry, Rae, Forrest-

Sundae, Nicole, Erin-

If I were going to choose the best group shot, I’d go with the bottom one, since everyone looks good. Each of the top two have one person that’s looking hot, but unfortunately, the rest of their respective group isn’t even coming close.

Now, individually, here’s how I’d have done it:

Laura-

Look at how hot she is! This is total and complete confidence… She’s feeling her character and allowing herself to let go and be this sexy vixen. I adore this… And if you look at the long shot, you’ll see that she’s got this great bend in her body that fits the Cirque du Soleil brief. Our little Southern bumpkin is a DIIIIIVA in front of the camera.

Rae-

This is an EXTREMELY close runner-up for best individual shot. In fact, it ALMOST justifies the first call out for her entire group. Almost. I love her heavily lidded eyes, and the angry-hot expression she has on her face (sort of reminds me of Melrose’s runway shot from Cycle 7)… Rae is totally kickass.

Erin-

This poor girl cannot get out of third place for me! The judges had the right idea… She doesn’t especially stand out and demand your attention like the top 2 photographs, but there’s something deliciously high fashion about it, like this Prada ad:

Bottom 3 worthy shot? Not even close. She’s being set up for a bullshit elimination and even though she seems stank, I am not okay with that.

Nicole-

So, a big emphasis was put on Nicole’s suckage, yet she still managed to deliver this, which I think is pretty strong overall. There’s something so dreamy about her pale skin and the garment she’s wearing, plus that contrasting hair. So, it’s not the most interesting pose… Big deal, she’s still amazing.

Hungry-

This too fits into that Prada look, except it’s significantly more unattractive. I really like her back, first and foremost. She looks like a dude, but androgyny is hot, even when it uh… isn’t. Case in point… this picture. But it’s at least got some fashion elements to it.

Sundae-

This is almost identical to the baby picture shot I ranked her last for. She’s just doing something slightly more interesting, pose wise, and she also has fellow contestants who managed to bomb this shit way worse than she did, so our little ice cream cone survives a bottom 3. I don’t buy that this is ’sensational’ or that she even did amazingly well, but this shot isn’t heinous.

Ashley-

This is all kinds of boring ass bland… And she’s managed to make her hips look about 4 yards wide with her pose, but at the same time, I find her face to be very pretty, if a bit… disconnected. It’s essentially the same shot she’s been giving us for weeks, and because of that, I’m not sad to see her go.

Kara-

Oh, my dear sweet Kara. What has become of you?! I do suspect editing, since I think Kara is the next to leave us, but still… I can’t really say anything great about this picture except ‘Forrest’s was worse’. She doesn’t stand out and when you do finally find her, you don’t really like what you see. At least in my eyes. This is the first time her endearingly wonky eyes look well… bad.

Forrest-

She just keeps outdoing herself with her suckage! She looks about 3 feet tall and like a chipmunk mixed with Whitney effing Thompson of the chronic open mouth syndrome! So, let’s see… So far Forrest has been a horny chicken, a reindeer, a chipmunk, a massive hunk of Ham… Dear god, get this bitch out of here before my head explodes. This is heinous. HEINOUS. BUT YES, LET’S GIVE IT A FIRST CALL OUT. I’m starting to think Forrest can take a steaming shit on set and Tyra would be like FIERCE!

Lazy eyed psychos. Hmph.

Never forget it.

Now, for the math-

Nicole (2.6)- 1/4/2/2/4

Laura (3)- 3/1/5/5/1

Rae (4)- 2/7/8/1/2

Rachel- 4

Erin (4.2)- 8/3/3/3/3

Kara (5.4)- 6/5/1/7/8

Brittany (6.2)- 9/2/11/4/5

Luly- 6.3

Courtney- 6.5

Sundae (8.4)- 14/9/7/6/6

Jennifer (9)- 11/11/4/10/9

Ashley (9.4)- 12/10/9/9/7

Lisa- 10

Biyanka- 10.7

FORREST!

It’s uncanny, and you know it. And when she does win (and she will, bet on it), I’m gonna post that again and again and again.

This episode, if it’s possible, was even more boring than last weeks. I’m just going to be honest and explain the problem. These girls are actually too strong. Yes, they’re short, but that’s really their only problem. The remaining crowd are all plausible (Sundae is excluded, but she at least has a personality) as models in some regard. There are no Tahlias, no Whitney Thompsons… all heinous at modelling but damn fun to blog about. I’m deciding whether or not I’m happy about this lack of interesting material to talk crap about.

Maybe it’s just me, but the whole thing just seems STALE. Miss. J will screech unintelligbly, Nigel will perv, Mr. Jay will continue to be the only one with any sense, and Tyra will be self absorbed.

I’m going to spend the vast majority of this blogette (since the photo recaps have become far more entertaining this cycle, and I’m okay with that) bitching about Forrest. If you like her, stop reading. Or don’t, but don’t bitch. It’s my blog and I’ll bitch if I want to.

A large portion of Forrest’s critique at judging was spent criticizing her performance in the photoshoot- a Cirque Du Soleil themed group thing shot by the dreamy Mike Rosenthal. Tyra specifically said that Rae was the strongest, Brittany was the middling participant and that Forrest was the weakest (they were a group). They made a point to show her hilariously awful shots, some of which had her head completely away from the camera, eyes shut, just totally bad.

And then, after hearing the other two groups (consisting of Kara, Ashley and Laura in one group and Nicole, Sundae and Erin in another) and getting the same ‘best, middling, worst’ critiques, that group gets a collective first call out. Yup, rather than giving the first call out to the person with the best look in the shot (Laura, no doubt), the retardation they call a judging panel figures out a way to dodge a bottom 2 appearance for Forrest, since she is definitely this cycle’s winner. At this point, with such special treatment thrown her way, I’d bet on it.

Two other notable things happened at judging- Nicole was criticized for not contorting her body enough. WAIT, BACK IT UP. LAST WEEK, NIGEL GAVE HER SHIT FOR ALWAYS DOING WEIRD POSES. So essentially, she posed too much, but she’s only supposed to do that in Cirque Du Soleil themed shots. Got it. EXCEPT I DON’T.

And then of course, Tyra is wanking to Sundae’s film, and we’re treated to… a remarkably average shot. Tyra says that Sundae had better shots but this one was chosen because it was the only good one of Nicole.

WAIT, WHAT?!??!! Since when does THAT happen?! If Sundae did a great job overall and Nicole did shitty, why penalize Sundae for a superior performance? Not that I’m complaining… Nicole is far superior, but still… That is some seriously effed up ANTM logic there. Then, to make things better, after Tyra tells that group (Nicole, Sundae and Erin) that Nicole was the weakest, Sundae was the best and Erin was the middling participant, she called Nicole before her two group counterparts, then Sundae, and then Erin.

Also worth noting:

Benny Ninja has become a total sourpussed douche. I cannot stand him. I miss when he was sort of a jolly elf like presence in cycles 8 and 9. Now he’s heinous. I’m not even going to acknowledge that Lil’ Mama helped explain the challenge (whoops, I just did), but I assure you, she did nothing worth noting.

Forrest’s car didn’t even cost 17,000 dollars oh my gawwwwwwd but like now she has some nice new earrings she got for winning a lame ass challenge and oh my gawd we thought Ashley’s dance routine would be great because she’s like a dancer BUT OH MY GAWWWWW LOOK AT MY NEW EARRINGS TEEHEEEEE.

Apparently this show is having an issue picking a bitch and sticking to it… At the beginning, it was Biyanka, then it was Luly, then Ashley, and this week, they made Kara seem like a total backstabbing hobag, and apparently most of the contestants are not ‘her type of people’ which was both an abrasive and cunty thing to say. She and Forrest were all giggly and twatty all episode, which just made me hate Forrest even more and feel my first twinges of dislike for Kara, since the majority of their shit-talking was about Nicole.

Mr. Jay Manuel looks funny and costume-y chic in Cirque Du Soleil fierce clown makeup. He gave some dramatic speech about ‘Miss. Banks’ wanting them to reach new heights as models. Another height joke? Really? These aren’t tired yet? Then, like ten seconds later, he was back and better than ever with his orange glow.

ACCORDING TO THE PEOPLE AT TWOP, the new stupid ‘TOOOOPPP MOOOODEELLL’ song that plays after one of the chickies is eliminated is performed by Marvin Fequiere. THAT’S STAAAAAAACCYYYY ANNNNN’S HUSBAND! OH MY GOD.

DOOO DOOOO DOOOOO TOOOOPPPP MOOOOODEELLLLLL

The updates on who is getting what edit are as follows:

Forrest- Insanely irritating winner

Erin- Cold and distant bitch

Rae- Doesn’t wow the judges in person AKA doesn’t fellate Nigel regularly.

Sundae- Completely made up critiques of average photos to justify top 6 placement

Nicole-Token odd ball and likely to choke at commercial

Laura- Loveable girl with accent.

Brittany- Possibly the old edit?

Speaking of which… is anyone else concerned about Brittany?! She’s looking seriously gaunt

AH ZE GOGGLES DO NOTHING

I know last week I said that we should call her Angela Bettis, but I’m thinking we should call her Hungry instead. Maybe we could feed her some Sundae!

… I told you this shit was boring. I’m doing the best I can, guys. On the bright side, the photos are actually quite lovely, despite the retardation of the callout order.

Even if you look like a horny chickennnnnnn or have your face obscured with floaty clooooooooooooooothhhhh.

So, the photos this week… Wear a scarf on your head and resemble Tyra before she goes to bed, apparently-

Picture this, plus a head scarf.

Don’t worry… the shots are much prettier than this. ALSO, THEY WERE SHOT BY MIZ BANKS HERSELF! Now, as much as I like to rag on Tyra for any and everything, she has proven time and time again that she can take decent pictures. So, I’d say that most of these, except for one, are all quite good. Starting with-

Rae-

I know the judges said that she could ‘put a chill on a popsicle’ (okay, Miss. J said that, as if you couldn’t already tell), but I think this shot is downright angelic. Rae looks otherworldly. And she also is rocking the high fashion cancer chic look. Stunning photo.

Nicole-

The fact that she hasn’t gotten a first call out yet seriously bugs me, because she looks amazing YET again. She is by far the most consistent contestant of the cycle, and this picture rocks. It’s not a beauty shot, but it’s so pretty… that jutting clavicle, the weird hands, the pouty lips… AND I CAN’T EVEN BE ACCUSED OF BIAS BECAUSE HER HAIR IS COVERED. AND SHE STILL LOOKS AMAZING!

Erin-

She’s getting bitchier by the day but she continues to wow me with her amazing photos. This looks like a painting… the bend in the back is perfect… not too exaggerated, and her lack of eyebrows actually works quite well in this case. I’d say it’s a really awesome combo of ‘Bitch, I was showering, why’d you walk in on me’ and demonic. Work it out, new member of the stank club.

Brittany-

A huge improvement from last week, and undoubtedly ethereal and pretty, but the scarf covering her face doesn’t really suit my taste, personally. That’s really the only thing stopping this from being higher, since all her weird Angela-ish pointiness is put to rest at this angle.

Laura-

Call me crazy but does she resemble The Girl in the Pearl Earring to anyone else? There’s something so pretty about this… it’s very innocent. I love the carefree vibe the wind brings to the shot.

Sundae-

Congratulations Sundae! You finally took a good shot! Of course, it was one where your body played no part whatsoever! This is really simple and pretty, which I like a lot. Her face reminds me of Aminat’s a bit, but an itty bitty version.

Kara-

This is a MAJAH step down for my girl Kara after last week’s example of badassery. I still don’t think there’s anything majorly wrong with it (and I don’t get the ’she looks handsome’ thing they were laying on thick when discussing her boyish girlishness)… It’s just less dynamic than the other shots, that’s all.

Biyanka-

Congratulations Biyanka! Your last shot and you aren’t in the bottom 2. The real issue is the same issue that’s been coming up involving all her photos since the original promo. Biyanka is one SEVERE looking lady. And in a shoot with the potential to be so ethereal and beautiful (and the colors look amazing, it should be noted), she just looks way too harsh. I do like the way the scarf floats around her like a colored wind… Purdy stuff.

Ashley-

I love the way the blue scarf looks like fire… It’s really a stunning color. Too bad that Ashley is bringing NOTHING to the picture. She’s literally just standing there making the same tight-lipped half smile that we saw in her horse and elongating photo. Totally blah, which sucks, cuz it could have been so good.

Forest-

AND SO IT BEGINS… The judges ranked this monstrosity SECOND. OVER RAE. OVER NICOLE. OVER EVERYONE ELSE EVER. OH MY GOD. I am so sure that this wonky eyed bitch is our winner now, because the judges are trying to trick the audience into thinking that this horrendous picture is ACTUALLY GOOD?!?! Seriously, I’m secretly glad it exists because even my photo critiques were bland this week but this picture just makes all sorts of negative feelings explode from inside. WHAT?!?!!? IS?!?!?!? THIS?!?!!??%$@?%@/ She’s pretty much scalping herself… She has a worse wind tunnel face than the Reptilian Queen Teyona. OH MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE WAS PRAISED FOR THIS PICTURE. SECOND WORST SHOT OF THE CYCLE, AFTER BIYANKA’S RUPAUL FEST ON THE HORSE. SEE, I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Updated scores:

Nicole (2.2)- 1/4/2/2

Laura (3.5)- 3/1/5/5

Rachel- 4

Erin (4.2)- 8/3/3/3

Rae (4.5)- 2/7/8/1

Kara (4.7)- 6/5/1/7

Luly- 6.3

Brittany (6.5)- 9/2/11/4

Courtney- 6.5

Sundae (9)- 14/9/7/6

Jennifer (9)- 11/11/4/10

Lisa- 10

Ashley (10)- 12/10/9/9

Biyanka (10.7)- 13/12/10/8